CLEARING UP the myths about narcissism

the enablers still want to take the role of cheerful camp counselor who makes everybody get along and that means the enabler saying oh no don't say that they're not narcissistic they're not abusive they're just extra these little linguistic tricks leave people feeling worse only the enablers and the narcissists feel better so let's start with basics let's just I'm just going to go a quick overview I don't think we can ever overview this enough but let's do a quick overview on what narcissism is I already know some of you your eyes are glazing over but just listen it's that lack of empathy or the variable empathy grandiosity arrogance Envy validation seeking need for control entitlement superficiality egocentricity dysregulated emotions like rage and poor frustration tolerance you know the drill right narcissistic folks are also quite insecure which is why folks with this personality style we see that they're quite thin skinned and reactive and then sometimes they apologize after they scream at you and then they hope it all goes away in part that's because narcissistic folks carry a lot of Shame and that list of stuff the lack of empathy entitlement all of that that's the defense against the shame but they project that shame onto other people like you and that's where behaviors like gaslighting and manipulation come from so that's what narcissism is let's talk though about what is not necessarily narcissism number one is confidence confidence doesn't mean someone's narcissistic lots of confident people are not narcissistic just being confident and voicing that confidence is not narcissistic but being self-reflective with that confidence is what makes it healthy for example somebody's saying I know how to do that that's confident saying I know how to do that and none of you idiots could do this as well as me so please get out of my way and stop dropping my IQ by making me talk to you maybe that might be confident but it sounds a little narcissistic number two thing that's not narcissism is anger not all anger is bad anger is a normal human emotion we feel it at times of Injustice unfairness helplessness and powerlessness we often pathologize anger in certain people for example in women dysregulated anger now that's another issue anger that comes up really suddenly that manifests in a personal attack that scares other people now that may be narcissism appropriate expression of anger not narcissistic the third thing that's typically not narcissism is sometimes putting your needs first selfishness has a bad brand because we assume it is about always putting your needs in front of others sometimes selfishness is on point skipping out on something to get some rest scheduling something at a time it works for you and being clear about that ahead of time honoring your bedtime honoring your meal time now if you're inflexible and always it has to be your way and never make space for other people's needs that's not going to work that's what we see in narcissism but your needs first not necessarily narcissism number four thing that's not narcissist is a miscarrying about your appearance sometimes people will call folks out on social media for posting a really attractive picture of themselves or calling them out if they get cosmetic surgery or spend time and focus on fashion or Cosmetics those folks may be called narcissistic those interests do not necessarily make a person narcissistic if a person does those things cares about their appearance and all of that but they still have good empathy and self-awareness then that's just a person who cares about their appearance if they are doing it if they're obsessed with their appearance to the exclusion of other things or people or dissing other people about their appearance or doing it solely for validation that's when it becomes a problem number five thing that's not narcissism is being ambitious shout out to all my Capricorns out there everyone thinks we're narcissistic December 30th here right ambition whether it's due to our star sign or behavior or personality style it's not a bad thing having goals pursuing them with passion and focus and assiduousness all of that's great being grandiose and expecting other people to fall into line with what you want that may not work talking about big goals and never doing anything to achieve them not so healthy being ambitious and contemptuous no way but ambition by itself does not a narcissist make number six is being extroverted not all extroverts are narcissistic narcissists in general are actually more likely to be extroverted they need other people however by itself extroversion is simply a personality style and a preference healthy extroverts know that they enjoy being around other people and flourish when they are do they need them they don't know us about need and it's not because they need an audience a healthy extrovert somebody knows that it's a preference number seven thing that's not necessarily narcissism is being charismatic and I know what you're thinking Dr Romney you said that charismatic people should make us a little nervous and yes they should because Charisma is so conflated with love bombing and narcissism we do need to be on a little bit of alert when we witness Charisma but there are non-narcissistic charismatic people out there if the charismatic person is just that person who Sparkles and is engaging and connects and has empathy and goodness and kindness and is self-aware keep that person around because that is rare number eight thing that's not narcissism necessarily is being Charming same drill not all Charming people are narcissistic charm by itself is not a signifier of narcissism some people are just just skilled conversationalists or they just notice other people my warnings around charm and Charisma are that you can't let charm and Charisma be the perfume that covers the other stink of problems like lack of empathy or issues like narcissism you can't excuse that just because someone's Charming number nine thing that's not narcissism is people who love themselves I think there are about three people on the planet who actually genuinely love themselves and listen if everyone truly loved themselves I'd be out of a job there would be no Wars I don't even think there'd be religion insecurity is what mobilizes our economies our politics and our Commerce but if someone actually loved themselves and is also empathic and self-aware then that is a human unicorn the myth of narcissus has confused everyone leaving them thinking oh narcissus fell in love with this reflection no he was cursed to stare at himself and be able to love and admire only himself and then he ended up killing himself that's not so pretty I have never met someone who truly loves themselves remember love is the opposite of narcissism number 10 thing that is not narcissism are people who cheat many many cheaters are narcissistics or but not all I think in the moment that they're cheating that's a narcissistic moment yes because they aren't accounting for the other person yes the vast majority of cheaters may be but I think some cheaters are desperate simply insecure immature some are slow-witted and some are drunk or high none of these are excuses for the cheating by the way that's unacceptable Behavior but some cheaters actually are not narcissistic number 11 thing that's not necessarily narcissism is people who talk about themselves speaking about yourself is not always indicative of conceit some people are actually interesting some people tell a good story and some people don't get out much and are excited to have a chance to share about themselves if the person talking about themselves is able to hold space for another person's talking and sharing it's a real back and forth then nope not narcissism someone who entirely hijacks a conversation and only talks about themselves possibly number 12 thing that's not necessarily narcissism are people who Gaslight yep there are actually some non-narcissistic gaslighters out there some gaslighters just kind of need to win or maybe insecure but they may not be completely unempathic or entitled or arrogant and may snap out of it if someone points it out to them some gaslighters are really anxious in social situations and so they Gaslight to be able to hold ground by and large gaslighting is a tool of manipulation so it's never healthy but not all players in this space are necessarily narcissistic A good rule to remember is that all narcissists are gaslighters not all gaslighters are narcissistic most are but not all and everyone did I miss any because if I did drop us an email I can take them on it's important for you to know this so you can understand the pattern called narcissism or maybe not just sort of think that this label fits someone incorrectly you need the key ingredients to make it narcissism I'll give you an example pepperoni isn't a pizza it's pepperoni now you add it in there with some dough and cheese and sauce that's a pizza the stuff that isn't narcissism by themselves like the being confident that's the pepperoni you need all the other stuff the lack of empathy the entitlement the arrogance etc for it to be narcissism what's the difference between a narcissist and a jerk I must say that I think on this channel we have circled the drain on this question in more than a few videos but the question keeps coming up in emails and comments and all that so I think we might just need to make the answer a little more explicit like I said the questions coming up more and more I have a suspicion though I know why so many people are asking this question I think sometimes people are afraid of making a big decision about their difficult relationship especially a decision that may have far reaching ramifications and they just want to be confident that they're making their decision about this narcissistic or maybe not narcissistic person in an informed way the thinking is maybe if this person's just a jerk then maybe this relationship may be more manageable than if you are dealing with someone who is narcissistic right big word but people may feel that if they leave a relationship or a job with a jerk maybe they're being a little bit too reactive but if they're leaving a relationship or a job with a narcissist they might feel a bit more resolved and have more conviction about that kind of a decision so let's ask the question what's the difference I'm going to start us off with a very easy sort of easy way to think about this an easy rule all narcissists are jerks not all jerks are narcissistic so how does that work it comes down to some very basic structural issues that differentiate narcissism and jerkism things called pervasiveness stability consistency severity and impact big smarty words for such a distinction but it's true so let's break this down narcissism is a personality style and our personalities are stable agreeable people personality style right agreeable people tend to be agreeable everywhere as an example they're agreeable with their family with friends a clerk in the store at work they're just agreeable things tend to flow off an agreeable person's back they tend to be friendly and warm and flexible and kind in all situations it's stable it's pervasive right maybe if somebody really cornered them or they were really sleep deprived maybe then they'd get a little grumped out but on average agreeable people are nice so that gets at this idea of what's when something's pervasive and stable on the other hand narcissistic people kind of the opposite of agreeable narcissistic people are narcissistic across situations and they're always like this they're always invalidating they're always superficial they're always validation seeking and they're always manipulative but you're saying no no no Dr Romney no they're not they're able to put on a mask and look good to the world or to the people that they want to look good to and they're awful to me or to other people that they don't value yeah they may be able to be sort of different how they present themselves but their personalities are stable the core of narcissism is validation seeking and validation seeking happens by winning over other people that they need or that they value narcissistic people are often out to get the easy superficial validation of people that are new and that they want to win over or people who have power or fame or whatever cachet and the folks that are already in their lives like their family members or their Partners narcissists tend to be a little bit dismissive of them that's why they probably treat you so badly but if those new shiny people honestly if those new shiny people they're trying to get their admiration if they stuck around long enough they'd be treated badly too so that's why a narcissistic person is able to go to a party or an event and just be charming and charismatic and people think they're just so great they're able to do that because they're getting a lot of quick validation by that group another form of validation for them is domination that's why they yell at you and insult you so they the different kind of validation but that's the domination piece all of that being charming and stuff well that's pretty exhausting for them so how do they manage that they regulate by yelling at you to my point they are pervasively and stably always seeking validation and always using other people to regulate themselves narcissism may feel inconsistent but it is actually pretty consistent the narcissistic person's end game typically is domination and validation it's the same their end game never changes they just use people in different ways to get to that end game now being a jerk or jerkiness without narcissism is not as pervasive and it's not as stable pure jerkiness tends to be a bit more kind of circumscribed or you know cordoned off jerkiness is often a manifestation of emotional immaturity low grade oppositionality um and inappropriate and mean spirited sense of humor or practical jokes as a way to get attention and at times public rudeness like just being rude to people out in the world jerks invariably have a certain social awkwardness to them so their jokes barbs tantrums and immature Shenanigans are an expression of that awkwardness or they're a defense against their social awkwardness but I get it you're still thinking I can see you at home thinking this you're saying this still sounds similar to narcissism Dr Romney jerks know their different spaces jerks may be a jerk at the bar at the pub about a football game a jerk in one space but they can actually be relatively functional people who play by the rules in other places a pure jerk without any of the narcissism may not be driven by power or domination or validation in all spaces but in certain spaces their adolescent self is always on I don't know the long-standing college or high school football rivalry or the pool table or in a large group when they want attention and in those settings you may look at the jerk and you may say he's a total ass about his football team or the game or it's just such a sore loser but he's actually a good guy really empathic it's consistent good parent actually a really good partner has a good person to work for so jerks can be ungracious winners ungracious losers but when for example the game isn't on they're little immature space isn't there they can actually be normal and decent people so this takes us to another distinction between jerks and narcissists jerks typically will respond in a normal manner to feedback so for example if someone were to take a jerk aside and say yo it's not cool that stuff you're saying and doing it's not so good you're kind of hurting people or buddy we lost business and it's making those other people uncomfortable interestingly jerks when they get that feedback they'll be kind of contrite and they'll sort of feel bad and sort of own it they might apologize or know that they went too far and they'll be like Oh I'm sorry and a jerk has a pretty good likelihood of changing their behavior they may not tell the jokes anymore they may genuinely apologize they may still be a little socially awkward but you really see that they're making an Earnest effort at cleaning up their act and apologizing if they get it wrong a narcissist forget about it you give them feedback you better have some sort of shield on you because you're going to get a reactive shame-driven adult tantrum rage Fest and then you'll get some gaslighting some contempt and then more rage if you do get that long shot of getting an apology from them it will be for them to save face and not out of a general genuine sense of Contrition or feeling like they did the wrong thing and they will almost never ever change their behavior now the next issue about this difference between jerks and narcissists comes down to severity and to impact the narcissistic person's bad behavior is not only more pervasive and consistent but it's also more damaging and hurtful narcissistic people tend to lie to coerce to menace to manipulate to Gaslight to control people through rage to cheat to betray this is Big Ticket hurtful stuff jerks not always so mean they may tell a mean joke but jerks don't tend to be menacing or scary or even that manipulative jerks are childish and they say stupid things they may even be rude to a server like for example in a restaurant or a service person but it's more of an inappropriate demanding immature thing but not as scary mean thing again with that jerk you take the jerk aside and tell them lighten up you're making everyone uncomfortable with your behavior they will often look like a chastened child and may even apologize the narcissistic person when they are taken aside will rage act scary rage yell rage insult you get it you've been there now this whole narcissism jerk thing is a bit of a Venn diagram they sort of partially overlapping circles personally I think really high-end maybe more severe jerkiness looks like low end narcissism annoying immature sort of transiently harassy and even hurtful jerks no doubt they're unpleasant to be around I am by no means a jerk Advocate however they can be consistently empathic in certain situations their jerkiness can be pretty time and situation limited and they do respond to feedback if you are experiencing the angry reactivity gaslighting manipulation eggshell walking betrayals that's probably a narcissist if it's immature stunted childish I won't empty the dishwasher acting like a teenager and tell stupid jokes and snap your finger at the at the server or the bartender that's a jerk but at other times especially private times one-on-one or you know a real important moment they're just nice people and you're never scared of them if you can take the jerk aside and have a chat with them and they actually make a good faith effort to switch their behavior up then that's your jerk confirmation they're probably not a narcissist now the word jerk is dangerous because it is often used by enablers to soft pedal on the narcissists jerks are a nuisance and they're not easy to work with or to be in a relationship with but they don't do damage to your mental health but when a narcissist is mistakenly framed as just being a jerk we are more likely to justify their behavior get stuck in relationships with them make excuses for them and then not set the boundaries or take the action that we need to protect ourselves just remember the Golden Rule all narcissists are jerks but not all jerks are narcissists none of this behavior is pleasant but I do think it's important to understand the distinction between someone who's a narcissist versus someone who's a jerk so you can understand that somebody's engaging in foul mouth ridiculous jokes maybe annoying but can't do sort of the psychological number on you that a narcissist can do so I'm going to ask you a question have you ever had a difficult person come up to you after behaving badly and saying ugh you'll get used to me I'm an acquired taste I bet some of you have and the the point of this series is again so many people hear so many excuses from narcissists for their behavior that once you hear them I can teach you about them you might know that kind of like red flags because let's face it the narcissists know that their behavior isn't always on point and so they'll sometimes try to make light of their own behavior or downplay it or justify it so one way they try to do this to kind of get away with it is to say I'm just an acquired taste well I don't care how varied any of your palettes are most healthy people haven't have a pretty strong taste diversion to gaslighting manipulation invalidation dismissiveness rage rudeness arrogance entitlement and contempt what is interesting is that despite their lack of empathy narcissistic people are actually really keyed in to what is happening around them they are very aware that people notice their behavior and not necessarily in a positive light now while they may not pick up on the idea that you are actually hurt they may pick up on the idea that people around them are pretty disgusted or angry because those emotions on other people's faces may represent more of a threat to them because that means they're not being liked right so they notice these negative emotions on other people's faces and because those negative reactions May activate things like their shame their inadequacy their insecurity or even the sense that they're not liked they will attempt to justify their behavior not only internally but also to other people a common way to do this is to say something ridiculous like I'm just an acquired taste this statement carries a lot of meaning it's the idea that if you get used to me then it might Behavior me I won't bother you anymore and I can actually see why narcissistic people think that way if anyone sticks around long enough if you're sticking around them long enough then you're either enabling them or you've habituated or become used to their behavior and you've just decided to stick around nonetheless despite their behavior or you don't understand that their behavior is unhealthy so you just stick around and make up whatever excuses you make for their bad behavior but the bottom line is that the majority of narcissistic people do have people that stick around them so that must mean to them that the people who stick around aren't bothered by their behavior even though the people around them may actually be bothered by their behavior but there's nothing they can do to fix it so they get used to their behavior so they assume you will too after all they're an acquired taste right this excuse that narcissists use that they are an acquired taste often applies to narcissistic behaviors such as impulsivity disinhibition entitlement rudeness they'll sometimes say I'm unfiltered and perhaps they believed that if you stick around them long enough and you will kind of get them understand them and be okay with it you'll just let them be them what's interesting is that they will often try to compensate for their bad bits of behavior through other behaviors such as for example selective generosity picking up the check at a bar or a restaurant when there are lots of people around to see it's happening for example and then those kinds of moments coupled with their idea that they're an acquired taste means that the narcissist attempts to sort of purchase indulgences by giving expensive gifts or inviting you maybe on a nice vacation or picking up the check or and then though and then engaging in their typically rude and antagonistic behaviors which they Pawn off as them being an acquired taste after all I did all these other nice things when people step away from the narcissist whether they end relationships whether they drop out of their lives go no contact fire them leave jobs where they have to work with them the narcissistic person's framing on that is always to blame the other person labeling the people who leave them so narcissist is labeled the people who leave them as bad Partners as ghosters as not up to the job as disloyal as dishonest and often as narcissistic right the narcissistic folks then create a series of justifications rationalizations and explanations about the people who leave them or set boundaries and they label them things as bad morally weak or of bad character as the narcissistic person sees it some people are actually willing to stick around them no matter what they do and narcissistic people must believe that these people who stick around them have figured out the acquired taste of it all and they think that that loyalty should be expected from everyone regardless of their behavior it's interesting I have worked with many many narcissistic clients over the years and the only word that comes to mind for as I hear many of the stories is that it's very sad um not enabling them just feel sad for them some of them have been a handful since they were children and I sometimes wonder if this acquired taste hypothesis is just an adult revision on recognizing that when they were children when they were children they recognized that their parents had had it with them and they were frequently scolded but the idea that their parents didn't actually physically get up and leave though maybe in a few cases because of divorces or whatever a parent may have seemingly left parents aren't so supposed to leave so the child may have assumed that the parents at some level adjusted to sort of be okay with their bad childhood Behavior and they may have also made the jump that hey my parents figured it out the parents my parents learned how to to be with me I remember so well a person who many many years ago a person I knew it was very narcissistic telling me that he was a real Troublemaker as a kid he never sat still he was always getting into trouble he was always up to something and he said I knew my mother hated me because I was twice or three times as much work as my siblings but she had to figure it out and let me tell you now I'm a multi-millionaire so you better believe they like me now and I remember so well hearing his story because it really really made me sad when he was telling it I really did sort of see that sad little boy whose mother who had simply had it with him and his adult life had turned into an endless narcissistic Journey for supply and he kept having these very transactional relationships and maybe his only goal was actually to not just not be viewed as a handful but when as an adult he was called out for how badly he treated others and he treated them badly he would keep falling back on this idea like I'm not a bad guy I'm just an acquired taste but he wouldn't attempt to change his difficult Behavior I can easily see a child not knowing how or what to change when they're a child but for an adult this idea of I can behave badly and you have to put up with it because you're just going to get used to it that's a tougher sell so I gotta tell you narcissism is not likely to be a taste that anyone wants to acquire for most of us who have had to endure and navigate these difficult relationships it becomes more of a choking it down than a taste we ever really acquire ultimately all any of us want is for the narcissistic person to take responsibility for their behavior but until then their excuses really just feel like a bad exercise in creative writing so keep your ear out for that excuse when you hear that somebody behaves real badly and says I guess I'm just in acquired taste and then fall back on other behaviors to make themselves look good when in fact they're actually really behaving in a hurtful way I'm not so sure that anyone ever acquires a taste for being treated badly in human relationship so one thing that narcissistic enablers say quite a bit they like to say that narcissists are such a little extra now enablers are Masters at using milder language or even slang to soft pedal on the psychological and emotional abuse that happens in a narcissistic relationship saying things like ah these just a handful or they're just difficult they just don't have a filter all of these are examples of how people you know enable these relationships this soft almost silly language can leave survivors feeling gaslighted confused and having their experience minimized it goes just beyond dealing with someone who is just a handful this is about experiencing psychologically being turned inside out in a way that can result in significant cognitive emotional and behavioral shifts self-doubt anxiety depression post-traumatic symptoms and just a whole host of physical discomfort this isn't just being a handful but the enablers just want to keep things nice and easy so they will fall back on the slang of the time I have to say it's probably this slang has probably already passed when someone is old and is unhip as me knows a slang saying that I know it's no longer slang I think it's either been fully absorbed into the language it's certainly no longer hit but I've actually heard a few people say this referring to people I know to be quite narcissistic and it gave me pause this term extra to be extra actually means to be a bit over the top excessively dramatic too much have sort of having this exaggerated emotionality in short it's just too much I have to say I remember having to Once work in a building in which there were also High School classrooms and in between classes I would notice there'd be lots of shrieking and running and very loud laughing and they'd sort of be chasing each other and recognizing that they were high school students I thought okay it's age appropriate it's adolescence it was definitely disruptive and I wasn't necessarily a fan but it was age-appropriate that kind of behavior doesn't play as well in adults and perhaps adults behaving like excessively emotional adolescence is being extra I have heard this term used many times when people were describing people who had narcissistic qualities now not all narcissistic people are theatrical and dramatic we tend to see these patterns most often only in the grandiose narcissist even the malignant narcissists don't tend to be so dramatic they tend to Veer more into the cold callus exploitative look in fact the malignant narcissist can almost be eerily cold we can also see it in the more superficial designer label vain vapid narcissistic folks they will see the dramatic shows of emotion there that's where you'll see the dramatic emotion displays including emotion dramatic rage that a narcissistic person may be demonstrating or the over-the-top consumption or party that they have put together and people might just write it off as extra or when a person is describing the painful emotionally demanding and volatile interactions they are having with the person other people might say oh come on now don't let it bother you they're just a little extra the core of this enabling series is the idea that enablers often use softening slang or minimizing terminology when they're describing difficult and toxic people which ultimately takes a toll on survivors calling someone extra leaves a person who is a Survivor thinking really I am just letting a drama queen drama king or other drama ruling figure get to me in such a deep psychological way trust me it's not the dramatic over the top too much Behavior that's taking such a toll on you it's the invalidation the constant blame Shifting the gaslighting the manipulation that is what is taking the toll that's not extra that's abusive with an attention-seeking dramatic narcissistic person other people may not see or feel the invalidation and manipulation if they don't get close enough they just see the drama it's easy then to make it about someone being extra also remember a tricky bit with narcissism is that many of them are actually can be quite fun to be around when they're on and you're in the mood as a result many people were hanging out with narcissistic folks want to keep the party going it's like your parents told you when you were a kid it's all fun until someone gets hurt and that is really sort of the Mantra of the narcissistic relationship it's just grandiose fun isn't it maybe just a little extra until someone gets hurt and somebody always gets hurt it's actually quite notable the world has become such a mean-spirited place of late so much polarization and insulting and name calling and online harassment yet the enablers still want to take the role of cheerful camp counselor who makes everybody get along and that means the enabler saying oh no don't say that they're not narcissistic they're not abusive they're just extra these little linguistic tricks leave people feeling worse only the enablers and the narcissists feel better extra people may Annoy Us they may even entertain us but mostly we can see what extra is it's for the attention seeking and the immature fluff that it is extra people may not be the stuff that makes long-term deep relationships but the extra stuff is also not what is causing the harm and the psychological toll of toxic relationships the one of the most perilous parts of enabling is the ability to use language that makes it seem like the person who is harmed by the narcissism is overreacting to a situation don't fall up for it it's not just extra it was just extra probably wouldn't bother you might annoy you but that's very different than being invalidated raged at and psychologically hurt so have you ever heard anyone say this about a narcissistic person that they just don't have a filter come on it's not that big deal you should have a filter well that's a big myth about narcissism and this sort of series I'm doing is taking on a lot of these myths about narcissism which actually can be quite dangerous now if we were to think about it many times there are other words that are used to talk about narcissism that fuel the idea that it's really not that big a deal and not anything more than just arrogance or entitlement or just being grandiose sometimes you'll hear people say oh stop it it's not narcissism they just don't have a filter well this idea of narcissism just being someone not having a filter is a very problematic one we do I have to say sadly live in rather unfiltered times and in fact the more unfiltered people are these days it seems like the more viral they become the more inflammatory they become the more they get traffic to their posts now we are also living in interesting times with regard to people who are now taking a stand against unfiltered talk and speaking with their wallets and demanding sponsorships be ended and the like but ultimately what I am seeing is that people can achieve notoriety and subsequently maybe even wealth or fame through being unfiltered and even as one group may try to eradicate them in their message they will definitely find a committed audience in others now the part of our brain that subserves being filtered is something called our frontal lobe it's a killer piece of cerebral Hardware because of everything that it's able to do it allows us to plan and test hypotheses and divide our attention between two things and solve problems and it allows us to inhibit or stop our Behavior the frontal lobe if it's working properly is how we are able to catch and stop ourselves from doing something we shouldn't we're saying something we shouldn't if it's working properly it results in less behavioral impulsivity less acting out less doing things that are impetuous or dangerous now there's something around narcissism and the frontal lobe not quite functioning right some folks are studying or have studied it in research for example below and Brunell at Ohio State Baumeister at Florida State but because narcissism is so difficult to measure the findings from this research hasn't haven't been consistent and whether This research translates to actual central nervous system and structure and function it isn't clear but the fact is narcissistic people are very impulsive and tend to say and do whatever they want without regard for the consequences narcissistic personality overall is very much characterized by dysregulation and a lack of ability to regulate themselves in any number of settings and this this dysregulation coupled with things like lack of empathy and entitlement as you can imagine this all gets really messy really fast so someone says this is a narcissism they just don't have a filter yeah frankly at some level they're synonymous but just calling it not having a filter is pretty limiting narcissistic people tend to say cruel things first and maybe just maybe issue apologies later if they have to save face and avoid shame all narcissistic people lack a filter but not not all low filter people are narcissistic the challenge as with all of these myths about narcissism is that when we soft pedal it and make it about one thing about just a lack of a filter or play into the other myths we may miss the red flags and they're really the larger holistic presentation that is narcissism by understanding the entire pattern we are in a better place to protect ourselves set boundaries and not blame ourselves unless a person has had a head injury a central nervous system disease such as maybe a tumor dementia or another direct injury or severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or a manic episode or acute intoxication like someone's drunk or high when I observe unfiltered Behavior that's not occurring any of those under any of those sort of disease circumstances I pay attention to the other narcissistic stuff that's almost always going to be right there with their impulsive behavior when we try to subdivide and say well this isn't narcissism but instead we focus on misassumptions like well this is a disease it's not or it's only found in some groups like only in some genders not true or focus on only a slice of behavior such as impulsivity we could easily call narcissism just not having a filter but if we do that we miss something really important more and more people out there are saying about narcissism I'm seeing these toxic patterns everywhere maybe I'm overblowing this in my head you're actually really not whether through societal enabling social media celebration of these narcissistic behaviors and leaders and public figures of all kinds the focus on viral behaviors instead of human decency this pattern called narcissism is actually seemingly becoming more normalized and yet more and more people are being harmed by it this is a rare bird a maladaptive personality and behavioral pattern that does more harm to the people around it than the people who have it the world of mental health tends to be client focused and not Fallout focused but narcissism is sort of causing its own mental health Blast Zone around it people who are more harmed by being around this pattern and being around the people who actually have this personality Style than in having it themselves and we need to understand this if we are going to help individuals businesses institutions families and the mental health of the World At Large and that means clearing up the myths so if anyone's ever tried to write off a narcissist in your life saying ah come on they're not that bad they just don't have a filter they've got the other toxic stuff along for the ride at least call it what it is so I bet some of you have encountered this have you ever had someone around you talking about a narcissistic person and they say uh don't say that like I just you know what they use say instead is they say no I think this is just their Shadow side or their dark side so that's how they'll describe the person and say I think this is you're seeing their Shadow I think we're just seeing their dark side I guess the assumption is if there's a dark side or a shadow that's somewhere there must be a light side now the concept of the Shadow sort of traditionally has jungian Origins as in Carl Jung and without giving you the long and dull lecture that I would typically give my undergraduates on this topic suffice it to say that in Jung's personality model the shadow is a part of the personality it's typically a hidden part of the personality riddled by guilt it has very Primal ancient almost species specific Origins and that has both really evil parts to it and some normal elements to it the shadow takes in negative emotions that we don't want to express and so we squash them and then we resent that having to squash those interestingly Jung once wrote no tree it is said can grow to Heaven unless it's Roots reach down to Hell I suppose those hell roots are the shadow now in Carl Jung's model we all have a shadow and the repression of that shadow and the projection of it onto people and situations is really what the issue is and in simplest terms in order to get kind of cool and psychologically comfortable with our shadow requires us to see ourselves holistically jungian analytic models and therapies explore this and for those of you who really want to do the Deep dive into jungian Concepts in the shadow there are lots of wonderful books out there on this model and really describing the shadow now when you really really do the Deep dive and really read Jung's model it is worth noting that the shadow can really seem like a dark sort of shame-filled projection oriented personality Style that when you really read between the lines yeah sure it feels like it's congruent with narcissism but here's the thing most people out there talking about shadows and dark sides are not jungian analysts they may have read a Blog someone wrote or maybe just some quick little something or other but the tendency is to talk about narcissism as the darkness or the shadow that lurks in all of us so then the enabling finish on all of that is that well if all of us have a shadow then we need to learn to become more accepting of it and this is where it becomes a problem I am not a jungian analyst I was not trained in this model well I just did the reading I I've done and I can see how it may be the case that this Shadow idea would be put out there as a way to frame narcissism not as narcissism but when lack of empathy entitlement grandiosity arrogance control contempt and validation manipulation and rage are all neatly packaged into the idea of a person living in their Shadow Self well unless that so-called Shadow is lying on an analyst couch three times a week and really doing the psychological work it actually feels more to me like a very tidy way to not take on the real toxicity harm damage and hurt raised by this personality style and simplify it to be some ephemeral interesting intellectual idea the people having to deal with this Shadow Self in their lives may feel a little Solace but also may feel that well Jung says we all have shadows so maybe I have no right to be mad and hurt for the verbal abuse since I now that means I have a dark side too in fact narcissistic people often try to soften their bad behavior by saying well I think we both behaved badly it's not a zero-sum game they behaved in an awful abusive way and the other person on the in this interaction might have been a little less than graceful no we didn't both behave badly in essence with the narcissistic person is trying to do is swallow you up into their Shadow don't walk into the darkness walk into the light now calling it a dark side or a Shadow Self also in a sort of Twisted way kind of romanticizes all of this too a sort of brooding bad but yet alluring person who has that mysterious dark side and for every person out there who had the bad boy bad girl bad person predilection wanted that sort of bad person to date this concept can sometimes take narcissism into a territory that almost fetishizes it and makes it kind of seductive and dangerous instead of something that is actually frankly mentally unhealthy for everyone involved so when I hear people tell me the narcissists themselves or people who are close to them about their dark sides and their Shadow selves I'm sort of struck by the rather slick branding trying to humanize behavior that is anything but so keep in mind what the series is about it's the words people say instead of using the word narcissism so when you hear someone talking about what they're going through in a relationship or they're getting treated really badly in a relationship and they're not getting out and people say well you know I know it's their Shadow that's coming out well let me tell you that shadow is going to make them miserable and you'll see the longer you stay in that relationship the more the shadow moves all of its boxes into the house just be aware thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 27,147

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Id: a_5i4JlMMLE

Length: 52min 53sec (3173 seconds)

Published: Sun May 21 2023