The SURPRISING SIGNS Someone Is "GASLIGHTING" You! | Dr Ramani

you know big way you win other than getting good cards is learning the other players tells tells are their little Twitches non-verbal movements the way they react to their cards can give you a lot of information narcissists are no different their ultimate tell is blame shifting just gaslighting and the answer is yes and no we're not done but let's break this down because yes it is now as many of you know from your own experiences one of the most maddening patterns of the narcissistic relationship is the blame shifting even when they get caught in something a lie a betrayal or some other form of bad behavior instead of taking responsibility or owning up to it they will deflect blame and say everything from people out to get them this is a Witch Hunt or that it's your fault that they cheated because you weren't affectionate enough or didn't make them feel special enough or that they lied to you to protect your feelings because you're sensitive in fact let's use the comments here drop into the comments the creative ways that the narcissist in your life deflected blame and managed to blame you for their bad behavior I'm sure there's going to be some doozies now I get lots of questions about blame shifting because it is such an angering part of this relationship Dynamic and it happens in all narcissistic relationships romantic family workplace friendship honestly it's as though narcissistic people are allergic to taking responsibility but it can help to see blame shifting from the perspective of gaslighting because ultimately that is what it is so let's break it down in the most basic way a person lies a primary way that we try to debunk a lie is to present the evidence to the contrary or that you know that it's literally a misrepresentation then the liar either has to cop to the lie or double down on the LIE and break down the evidence bringer so they'll do things like call the person names or call them Petty or tell them that there's something wrong with them or cast doubt on the evidence they're bringing blaming the evidence bringer the person who's trying to debunk the LIE the person who is in essence telling them that they are wrong is a way to break down the person who's calling them out gaslighting as you all know is denying someone's reality then telling that person that there's something wrong with them and to keep doing this repeatedly until the gaslighted person is so broken down that they just go along with a gaslighter without even having to be asked blame shifting is a part of that part pattern if someone has done something wrong and then asserts that you are the one to blame that is gaslighting it also may be a little bit of projection and as a reminder in case you've forgotten gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse it's for this reason that blame shifting feels so awful it's not just that they are trying to get away with something but in order to do that they are manipulating your reality but people who have experienced repeated narcissistic abuse and gaslighting unfortunately because of years of grooming and conditioning they're really often willing to accept the blame and that's why blame shifting works and once the narcissistic person recognizes that you are fertile ground in which to plant blame they will keep doing it if you have been experiencing blame shifting on since childhood then your tendency for self-blame is pretty potent and every time the blame is shifted there is a major risk that you will accept it and over time to keep accepting blame for things you didn't do wears you down obviously the best way to break down a gaslighter or a blame shifter is to hold on to your reality not to try to present evidence or try to prove your point but just hold on to your reality don't defend your reality or fight for your reality because they aren't listening just hold on to it so when they blame you for example they tell you that the reason they cheated was because you're never around ultimately the issue at hand is they're cheating not the reason for the cheating they cheated that's the reality that's all the reality you got if they won't take responsibility for that behavior the fact is then you're sunk no change whatsoever can happen in the relationship and I promise you this they will keep cheating blame shifting works because we get so lost in trying to defend the blame shifted part oh I treated because you're never around that we lose the focus on the original behavior in question which is the lying or the Betrayal or the bad behavior got to put the lens back right this even applies in a simple issue let me give you an example a person goes to the grocery store a narcissistic person goes to grocery so they get the wrong food they come home and you say hey I'm looking through the bag you forgot the milk I had written milk down on the list then they say you ask me to do too much there's too much on this list it's your fault for being so demanding and asking me to get groceries on a day when I'm so busy the issue is that they forgot the milk that hasn't changed there's no need to get into it with them but they didn't mention the part about forgetting the milk the fact is all you can do is plan on going back out or take them off of grocery Patrol the blame shifting is obviously a way for the narcissistic person to hold on to their grandiose view of themselves to regulate against the shame and the discomfort of inadequacy well if it's your fault then there's nothing wrong with them right and their singular goal is to hold on to a pristine version of themselves even if it means destroying the mental health of everyone around them as long as they look good nothing else matters there is no point in having the fight about the Forgotten milk lots of people will have it but there's no point because here's the bottom line they didn't get the milk there's no milk so you either going to make life work without that milk right now or you go get it yourself the challenge is that people get into the argument about the Forgotten milk and that never gets up in a good place ends up in a good place because they're blaming you for giving a long grocery list you're having the wrong argument radical acceptance they don't care enough to do the groceries right so if something is high stakes I gotta recognize I got to do it myself it's exhausting but it beats the hell out of a 30-minute fight about how demanding you are in that much time it was a pointless argument you could have gotten the Damned milk yourself it's useful to see blame shifting as gaslighting because then you see what is designed to do it's designed to protect them devalue you and break you down and leave you more confused than when you began it does mean intentionally and mindfully not allowing yourself to lose the plot the original issue never does get resolved whether it's their cheating or forgetting the milk but not getting confused by the blame shifting is an important tool for not getting more confused on the daily by these relationships so again there is a lie that's the issue there's bad behavior that's what happens right and then they turn it into you're too demanding you did this you did that and then you the risk is like no I didn't write that it wasn't that much or you've been not working you're then you're having an argument about the grocery list and them going to the store they forgot the milk or about the cheating well I yeah okay sure whatever yeah I hung out with someone else hung out that's nice hung out with someone else because you were never around you never being around is not the issue they're cheating is the issue always move the lens the spotlight in your mind not in the argument because that's pointless to the original issue and say this person cheated this person didn't get the milk the rest of it not even relevant So today we're going to take on what is and what isn't gaslighting so let's try some of these phrases on my sister told me that I look matronly and a little bit chubby in this dress is she gaslighting me my partner denied having feelings for a person he spends a lot of time with at work is he gaslighting me my uncle says racist and other biased stuff at Family get-togethers knowing full well that it makes me uncomfortable is he gaslighting me which of those statements I read which one of those seemed like gaslighting to you drop that in the comments now in our ongoing series of what is and what isn't we're going to take on gaslighting today with the hope that once you know what it's not you'll learn what it is now gaslighting is one of those words that lots of people are using but many are not using the word correctly gaslighting is a process of psychological abuse and manipulation which entails denying the reality or another person's experience beliefs or perceptions and then subsequently undercutting their mental capabilities or their mental health of the gaslighted person so in regular speak it would be things like I never said that you must have memory problems or just be paranoid if you think I did and they did you have the recording but they still say it gaslighting is not a one-off it's a systematic process it's a grooming process once a person establishes trust with you or expertise then they will they'll also create this willingness in you to question yourself you'll start saying things like maybe you're right maybe you didn't say that and they keep going and keep doing it until you're completely under their control so let's go through a list of what gaslighting is first it is manipulation doubt yourself only believe me when they do that the gaslighter gets what they want number two it's emotional abuse because they're playing with a person's mind and with a person's reality number three it's meant to leave you feeling impaired and mentally unwell maybe I need therapy maybe I am developing memory problems I need to stop being so sensitive number four it's a it's a tool with which to control you the more you mistrust yourself and believe that they're right then you start giving in and going along and capitulating to them number five it's the minimizing and pathologizing of your emotion oh you're too sensitive you need some help number six it often results in them doubting your commitment at a time when you know you're deeply committed to the relationship and they say things like well if you think that I'm being dishonest maybe you don't really want to be in this relationship number seven it's acting as judge and jury on your emotions and saying things like you have no right to feel that way number eight it may be a denial of a real societal phenomenon or hold or maintaining a dehumanizing belief system like denying racism denying classism denying other biases and then calling you brainwashed if you believe otherwise that too is gaslighting okay so those are all sort of key pillars of gaslighting here's where it gets interesting and where I think a lot of the confusion lies let's talk about what gaslighting is not it is not the same thing as narcissism tempting as it is to think of gaslighting and narcissism is synonymous gaslighting is a tool of every narcissist but they're not the same thing there are some gaslighters out there who are not narcissistic however all narcissists do Gaslight second gaslighting is not just lying if you say to someone hey did you end up going to happy hour with that guy you work with and then you show them a social and they say no no I didn't go there but then you showed them a social media imagine they clearly were and they are like okay you got me yeah sorry and they look embarrassed that's lying Liars may get defensive Liars may get embarrassed Liars typically lie to protect themselves but a liar will not go on to cut you down now if the person had said what kind of paranoid stalker weirdo looks at social media to find pictures of what I'm doing when you showed them the evidence that they lied that's gaslighting okay so Lying by itself is not gaslighting third gaslighting is not just sharing an opinion if you say XYZ Pizza is the best pizza in town and they say no it's not the best pizzas ABC Pizza they're not gaslighting you they just like different Pizza a difference of opinion is not gaslighting denying your reality is fourth it's not anger if a person gets angry at you for something you come home late you express an opinion and they get angry it may be uncomfortable but that's a reaction it's not gaslighting it may not be the reaction you expected it may not be a reaction you like you may not even be a reaction you think is appropriate but it's a reaction anger does not mean necessarily someone's gaslighting you next let's say a person keeps looking at your social media maybe there's somebody you don't know well okay and you then say something like they ask you a question hey have you ever been to Hawaii and you're like you know I don't remember going there because you don't and then the social media stalker person says yes you have that's not gaslighting that may be obsessiveness it may be poor boundaries it may be intrusiveness may even be straight up stalking but it's not gaslighting it's not a difference in beliefs okay gaslighting is not a difference in beliefs if a person holds totally different beliefs than you even beliefs that you find reprehensible that's not gaslighting now if they say their beliefs are the only right way and that you are a fool for believing what you believe and that you're wrong then that is gaslighting but if a person supports a political candidate or political Viewpoint or even a hateful Viewpoint that is in fact just a difference in belief systems it can feel gaslighting I understand that if they're I don't know really advocating for a political candidate you find awful but it is ultimately just a difference in opinion and beliefs doesn't mean you have to hang out with them it sure as hell doesn't mean you have to agree with them but in those circumstances it's really important that all of us use the word gaslighting right so it retains its power in a world as polarized as ours lots of people are labeling disagreement as gaslighting the word is a lot more powerful than that it's much more than a disagreement gaslighting is the dismantling of a person leaving them confused self-blaming and increasingly reliant on the gaslighter it's a good word folks use it use it well but use it right because when people just use gaslighting to talk about differences in opinion and lying then what ends up happening is the word does lose its power in all circles and then people may even be reluctant to use it because they're like oh that's not gaslighting some things aren't it's important to be clear because when you know it it's not you're a hell of a lot more clear on what it is in 1938 there play called Gaslight in 1944 there was a film and the basic premise of the play in the film is that there was a man basically trying to make his wife go mad and back then it was based at a time when instead of electric lights there were these gas powered lights and you could turn them up and down and he kept playing with the lights in these gas lamps and she would say he would turn the light down and she'd say who turned the light down he said light's not any lower than it was before and slowly but surely she started losing her grip with reality because she kept denying that he was manipulating the lights so that's where that term gaslighting comes from and we retain the same meaning it basically means to manipulate someone else's reality with techniques like denial misdirection contradiction and lying anyone who's ever experienced gaslighting knows how confusing it can be because it's designed to make you doubt your own reality and any break from reality is actually defined as psychosis we can rather quickly find ourselves feeling like we're losing our minds and we can't imagine that somebody who loves us would ever doubt our reality let me give you a sort of classical example of gaslighting you're having a conversation with someone and maybe it's over and over about the same about um your partner is sort of that's that's kind of inappropriate relationship with someone he or she works with and and then he says something to you like you know like he or she they dress you kind of they were just really cute at work why don't you like why don't you start dressing like that or wearing your hair like that and as you can imagine someone would be like that doesn't feel good to hear that and then the gaslighter will say don't be so be so soon now all of a sudden you've done nothing more than merely expressed a very real feeling in a situation and someone's doubting your reality by saying don't be so sensitive or other classic gaslighting lines include you have no right to feel that way or that never happened or or are you okay are you doing okay because you keep saying weird stuff I'm starting to worry about you all of these things are designed to make you doubt yourself gaslighting in that way is a tool of psychological control the more you can question someone's reality the more control you have over them something else you know we would see is that for example you might make plans with someone like and you'll say very specifically okay just so we're clear I just want to make sure you said that you're good with us going to dinner at that restaurant at seven o'clock because I'm calling other people to make a reservation okay yeah sure yeah whatever because narcissists ever listen they often you know sort of blindly go and do their own thing or they may have something better come up and so they don't want to do dinner so then the next day and you say hey it's time to go and they'll say what are you doing and it's like I made that reservation you said everyone's getting together and they'll say I never said I'd do that I never said we were gonna go to dinner and that's when you're like you start rocking and saying I don't understand I don't understand what's happening a combination of factors in a narcissist make them classical gaslighters if you will obviously their lack of empathy because they don't care who they hurt they don't care that they're fooling with your mind their tendency to want to control people that also makes it very much a key gaslighting dynamic narcissists are very manipulative and by definition gaslighting is a tool of manipulation all of these things sort of come together and conspire to make it that the narcissist is a classic gaslighter over time the gaslighting if it's chronic can literally make a person feel as though they're losing their group with reality it'll lead them to be full of self-doubt they'll often start doubting themselves in other relationships at work they may feel like they're not good parents anymore I always say though the ringer on whether you're being gaslit it's a very simple test if you've ever been in a relationship of any kind not intimate partner relationship you can either be with your mother parents can Gaslight you your siblings can Gaslight you anyone can test your reality in this way or boss anyone like that ever felt the need to record a conversation because you want to play it back for that person or even play it back for yourself so you can be sure you heard it right you're being gaslighted I I can guarantee it because that's the only reason you would feel the need to record a conversation people who are in narcissistic relationships even when they're not supposed to record their conversations will like I said for no other reason to play it back to themselves and say okay I am not losing my mind that is truly and really what they said here's where it gets interesting when you play one of those recordings back for your gaslighting narcissist I can all but guarantee they will get extremely extremely rageful and angry because the one thing they don't like is to be called out on their manipulative tricks and when you have evidence they'll turn around and get outside you again I told you you're a crazy person you need to record everything you know what you make me sick and you'll get that kind of really toxic cruel pushback at the core of it and I think it's really important for all of you watching this gaslighting is emotional abuse okay let me say that again gaslighting is emotional abuse the abort abuse is a strong word and it hits here because when you manipulate someone's reality you are in essence stealing from them you are in essence abusing and playing with their mind in a way that is nothing short of cool as far as I'm concerned that qualifies as abuse so when this is being done to you take a really good look at it and here's what's interesting gaslighting isn't just an individual phenomenon I've observed something that I call gaslighting by tribe something I've written about what I mean by that is that other people in your family system might contribute like that never happened in our family that dad never said that what are you saying come on stop being so hard on Dad it is a it's a very triangulated Dynamic it's where one person is all scapegoated in a family very very common in narcissistic families this can even happen to groups of friends like oh come on he's not such a bad guy you know you feel as though how how is it and then when it's a gaslighting by tribe you start to feel like I've got to be wrong because everyone else is saying the same thing in the most tragic toxic and dangerous examples of gaslighting by tribe is when abuse is denied in a family that kind of denial can have devastated consequences for a person well into adulthood and finally let's take it all the way up let's talk about societal gaslighting lighting when we're like something doesn't quite feel right about what's going on in the world and people say no everything's great everything's normal everything's fine in the world and if you're on the wrong end of the stick on that one and things don't feel like they're going right and everyone's like sign you do start feeling like you've walked into a party where everyone's been brainwashed but in fact the problem is most people feel like they're the ones who got it wrong and everyone else has it right there was once a famous test that was done by a psychologist called Solomon Ash and in essence in this research they showed people three different line lengths you know they were very different ones talking and what they found was that even when clearly people chose the longest lines on a piece of paper when they went into a group there would be one other person in that group that was planted there by the research and when that one other person said picked a shorter line as the longest one a significant number of other people in the group went along with that they conformed to that and while that's not classically a form of gaslighting it really speaks to how much Conformity plays a role in our lives and makes it hard sometimes to speak out societal gaslighting is so powerful because I believe it's the reason why narcissism seems to be growing exponentially in our society no one seems to be able to stop it if I had a dime for every person who said nobody believes me they don't believe this narcissism abuse thing is real as though the only kind of abuse that counts is a black eye and not a bruised soul and the number of people have said yeah all he does is yell at me all he does is yell at you and when people say Ah that's not abuse or that doesn't seem that bad or how bad can it be or get over it those are forms of gaslighting the one thing none of us should ever let another person steal from us is our reality gaslighting is where that happens pay attention to it it's a classical number one tool in a narcissist tool belt and I don't want you to fall for it so narcissist Warriors get out there pay attention to the gaslighting and cut it off before it happens somebody gaslights with you don't engage and never doubt your own reality so what's a narcissistic trap it's something you fall into because you are trying to do all the workarounds and the narcissistic relationship that may look like things like appeasing reassuring basically anything that helps you avoid the narcissistic person's rage keep them happy or sometimes sometimes things that you do to force yourself into radical acceptance not all of these things are healthy either each Topic in this series are things that people do in good faith believing that it may help help them get out help them stay in but these things often back you into an impossible situation kind of like getting stuck in the mud so let's start with the simplest trap of all self gaslighting so let's just do a brief review of gaslighting in general terms so we're all on the same page it's a five-step process step one the relationship has some sort of trust or expertise built into it could be a partner it could be a new person you want to win over for some reason it could be a family member maybe some kind of person with expertise that you need to work with or a boss as a result you are willing to believe them and trust them step two they start to steal your reality the that never happened I never said that are you sure that really happened I never got your text I never sent that email all of that can confuse you and leave you with lots of self-doubt in step three they paint you out as having something wrong with you you are too sensitive you must be mentally ill is your memory okay have you been taking your medications you need help your anxieties out of control step four they keep repeating this process to the point where you become reliant on their version of reality because you have so doubted your own you pretty much completely abandon yourself and your reality and you become indoctrinated into the cult of them step five you have lost your sense of you and what you are and who you are and to the world because you just go along with everything the narcissist is doing now it looks like you're in agreement with a narcissistic person and part of a united front but we could add a step six to this and it is something that people in narcissistic relationships do the person in the relationship gaslights themselves maybe I'm too sensitive my anxiety is probably really hard to live with oh I'm so dumb it's amazing I get anything done uh let me double and triple and quadruple check that my mind isn't that sharp anymore that's what self-gas sliding looks like now self-gaslighting is clearly a byproduct of being in a narcissistic relationship where you experience the gaslighting and it becomes part of your language but we also need to be aware that there is another Dynamic present in self-gaslighting which is that it is a way to appease The Narcissist in some ways keep the relationship going in a way that they get to keep their power and you may avoid their rage self gaslighting delivers a sense of superiority to the narcissistic person to their sense that they are the ones who have it together and that you are the one who is the weak Link in the relationship most people do not consciously self-gaslight for this goal they self Gaslight because it has been done to them so many times that pretty much we kind of internalize the dynamic but the self-gas sliding also gives a sort of secondary I don't know benefit if you will of protecting a person who is in a narcissistic relationship in a way self-gaslighting is a way of getting ahead of the abuse if you are already saying out loud that you are the one who is too sensitive or slow-witted or losing your mind or your memory then other than agreeing with it there isn't much more but the narcissist can bring to the table at that point perhaps it's a way for us to maintain control if we are the ones harming ourselves then it's a bit more controlled and predictable than when the narcissistic person does it to us the sad part is whether we are gaslighting ourselves or the other person is gaslighting us it is harming us it is shaping our sense of selves and our identity so the irony of self-gaslighting is that the Trap becomes a tactic the Trap is that you are talking about yourself in a way that actually holds you back that impedes healing and growth the tactic is that by self-gaslighting you may be dialing down the amount of abuse that is happening in the relationship because you are getting ahead of them and gaslighting yourself before they can guess like you for many people stuck in narcissistic relationships the sense of helplessness and powerlessness and just generally feeling out of control of what is happening to them is such an overwhelming feeling self-gaslighting sadly may just create something called congruent in the relationship that basically means that For Better or Worse the pieces fit you're doubting yourself they're doubting you it sort of knocks the dissonance out of place and when the pieces fit even when it harms us it also releases some tension but while self-gaslighting is a sort of workaround it is a deeply unhealthy one and Echoes of self-gaslighting can persist for a lifetime the challenge is to catch it and correct it but while you are in the narcissistic relationship it's really very difficult because even if you find a way to dial down the self-gaslighting the narcissist is there making sure that you get gaslighted one way or another like I said it's a trap that's a tactic that goes back to being a trap today I'm going to be offering you some tips 10 ways actually 10 ways to become more resistant to narcissists my goal in doing this work obviously is to help people recover but a bigger goal would be to help whenever possible keep people from getting these into these relationships in the first place and if they're in them at least help them from getting sucked in too much deeper now I'm offering 10 ways as you listen to this video If there are tips you have for becoming more resistant to narcissists that work for you could you because again please subscribe to this channel because it is honestly this community often gives a tremendous amount of useful feedback in the comments becomes its own sort of piece of guidance on these videos but let's take this on 10 what are 10 ways that you can become more resistant to narcissists in all areas of your life for me working with people all these years on managing the narcissists in their lives one thing I've learned is one simple truth in an Ideal World you don't let them in in the first place but I know that guidance is a day late and a dollar short for lots of you who are already deeply in these messes and this that guidance is useless if this is a narcissistic parent or sibling in which you had no choice in the situation however if you could learn some of these strategies for how to become more resistant you may be able to shut the gate on future narcissists and perhaps also learn to keep yourself a little bit more sane with the ones who are already in your life number one please learn to own your truth and own your reality if you can do this then you simply put have Gaslight repellent the reason gaslighting works is because we give the other person too much credit and we don't give ourselves enough this may happen because we perceive the other person to be smart or for some reason you believe they're credible and because you don't value your own opinion enough the first time the first time your reality is questioned by someone step back pay attention and seriously considering consider cutting bait number two stop falling for Charisma and charm somewhere along the line we were told that charismatic and Charming people are somehow valuable or interesting and maybe that's because the charismatic and Charming people get to make the rules as far as I'm concerned Charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don't take a shower it's probably covering something else tread very carefully when someone is larger than life or intoxicating or seductive or oh so silver tongued I know this is the opposite of everything you have ever been taught but and most people tell me though sadly they fell for the charm and the Charisma we've been programmed to do this but don't fall for it if you encounter a charming and charismatic person you really need to make an effort to pay attention to what they are saying remember number three remember that just being smart or educated is not a virtue listen I am educated I worked hard for it I also think I'm a nice person but my education is not what made me a nice person I know plenty of really educated and really smart people out there who are very toxic and cruel and unkind do not fall into the Trap of thinking that someone who is smart or intellectually gifted or educated that somehow those things are virtues being smart is just a trick it means you know stuff if you're smart think good for you but all of us need to remember that far more important is kindness and compassion that those are virtues being smart is not a virtue keep that straight so you keep your guard up and get to know someone before giving them the benefit of the doubt just because they're smart many of us don't always feel comfortable with our intellects so it's very easy to get snowed by a smart person number four speaking of that don't get snowed by Rich and successful people now this is a riff on that smart one there is a belief that people who are rich and who are successful are somehow doing something right and maybe they are or maybe they're just lucky or maybe they inherited it or maybe they did something Shady to get it the risk becomes that the assumption is that they are somehow better better than you better than me which can set up a power imbalance into which it is easier for them to Gaslight you the same mistake can be made around fame or celebrity Halos can be drawn around people who are toxic just because they are famous or fancy don't fall for it whether a person is a prince or a popper pay attention to their words and their actions and don't imbue them with virtue just because they're successful number five watch how they treat other people this can be tricky because narcissists are so two-faced they are masterful at putting on a great public face and treating those close to them very badly behind closed doors but if you pay attention to how they treat who they would consider to be I don't know lower status people or people who make mistakes where they're concerned for example the unfortunate server who may make an error in their order or somebody who calls them out watch how they treat those people and watch how they talk about other people odds are that before too long they're going to be talking about you in the same way number six learn the narcissists tells if you're a poker player you know big way you win other than getting good cards is learning the other players tells tells are their little Twitches non-verbal movements the way they react to their cards can give you a lot of information narcissists are no different their ultimate tell is to watch how they behave under conditions of frustration or disappointment that's where you usually see it they're usually Charming facade will fade to anger rage and contempt when things don't go their way don't write excuses for them number seven become okay with setting boundaries no is a complete sentence it's okay to say no to not succumb to what feels like intrusive Behavior just because someone wants what they want entitled people are more than willing to take their half out of the middle boundaries are your way of saying no too many people who are vulnerable to narcissists are generally people Pleasers and one thing that people Pleasers are not good at is at setting boundaries set those boundaries hold those boundaries is the narcissist going to get mad you better believe it learn to tolerate their discomfort instead of succumbing by constantly being the one who compromises for them number eight dump the enablers the narcissists are only part of your problem the enablers are the rest of the issue you may be able to start nudging the narcissist out but the enablers are yet another Vector of toxicity they the Nar the I'm sorry the enablers are often the ones who continue to Gaslight you and second guess you if you are distancing and disengaging from The Narcissist you need to do the same thing with the enablers and this isn't easy because the enablers are quite often they're actually not toxic themselves but they live in a big cloud a cloud of denial and not wanting to face down the toxic truth and sadly it's in this way that intergenerational patterns get passed down and persist Number Nine stop giving Second Chances Second Chances Are what give narcissists their power in essence it is you signing off on their behavior and the orchestra of voices that's around you that want you to give them Second Chances include their enablers now yes I know it can seem abrupt to cut a person off after just one mistake but after they make one mistake just at least be on watch after someone gaslights you once be on watch after someone is contemptuous and dismisses dismissive of you be on watch after a person is rageful and then tries to excuse it on the basis of a bad day be on watch being on watch means that you pay attention to determine if this is a pattern rather than just excusing and erasing it Second Chances turn into ten thousandth chances and a lifetime lost to the psychological abuse seen in narcissistic relationships number 10 surround yourself with good people I mean it seems like such basic guidance right but once narcissists start getting into your life they are like invasive weeds that choke out the good stuff in your garden narcissists as a rule demand all of your time and they get jealous when you give it to others they often prefer to isolate and control people so they can get steady supply and as a result you might find yourself giving 90 of yourself to the toxic person or people in your life giving you no bandwidth or time for the healthy people and that's not going to be good for you the healthy people are the ones who validate you who are sounding boards who do not Gaslight you who have your back who encourage you to pursue your dreams who have empathy compassion and kindness and listen to you and you do the same for them if you have just some of these good people in your life then you have one of the ultimate narcissist antidotes and often a way that now you have a way to find the strength to set the boundaries and cut off from the toxic people in your life if your garden is choked with narcissists and enablers we'd whack that out of there and start planting the healthy good people who have your back just as you have theirs and here's a bonus number 11. start getting comfortable with taking the less popular path it can be very lonely to be the one who sees the narcissist for who they are you may get called out for being judgmental or demanding or even difficult it may sometimes mean that you forego going to events or get-togethers so you do not need to over engage with the narcissist this is ultimately good for you even if you master the Fine Art of narcissistic repellents not engaging setting boundaries I got to tell you just being with them it's not good for you now learning how to gray rock is an important part of this and gray rocking with new narcissists that you meet works like a charm because they will become disinterested in you pretty quickly if you aren't providing them with validation the first time you meet them and I'm going to tell you it stinks it doesn't feel good to feel like you need to miss out from the dinner party because you because the narcissist is there but this all goes back to cultivating those healthier spaces those people out there who are calling you judgmental for not just going with the narcissistic flow they may very well be enablers sometimes you may you may need to go along and be with a toxic person it may be a dear friend's wedding or a close friend or family's birthday party or work event that you cannot skip out of but then you can do the usual work of boundaries however in general trust your gut going with the flow is how many people have lost lifetimes in these relationships I'm convinced that if you could even follow some of the things on this list you not only can become more resistant to The Narcissist in your life you may actually be able to close or at least tighten the gate against new toxic or difficult or narcissistic people getting in this is no joke these patterns appear to be on the rise out there and you need strong walls to protect yourself and to give yourself the time and space back that you need to invite healthy people and healthy experiences into your life you deserve that now listen I'm going I'm going to keep going with this here's a number 12 okay and here's number 12. one of the ultimate narcissist repellents is to have meaning and purpose in your life because even in the midst of the most dire awful narcissistic relationship if you have something that's meaningful and purposeful whatever it is and please promise me you will not share that with the narcissist because they will dismantle it and mock it and make fun of it and minimize it but whatever that meaning and purpose it is it might be through your work it might be through your children it could be volunteering it could be your spiritual life it could be a garden you plant it could be animals you rescue I don't know what gives you meaning and purpose but you better find it because I have to say when you have that even when you're stuck in something like this because some people can't get out of their narcissistic relationships somehow that gives more texture to your life that you can actually find a little bit of meaning not only in your life but even perhaps in the suffering that might be one of the the higher order things that you can achieve and a lot of people say I don't know how to find my meaning and purpose trust the process give yourself time and space to figure that out

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 569,573

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Id: I-f5NAIX2Mk

Length: 49min 29sec (2969 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 30 2022