Chris Traeger Is The Bionic Man | Parks and Recreation

Oh Leslie Leslie welcome welcome welcome I have a lot of bottles there oh yeah would you like a vitamin b12 evening primrose oil willow bark magnesium no thank you sure really good for hangovers okay I'll take one I take care of my body above all else diet exercise supplements positive thinking scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born I believe I am that human being you wanted to see me good God what the hell are you doing upside-down situps great exercise and it literally lets me see the world from a different perspective isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that the world's my gymnasium Ron but I will stop it makes you feel uncomfortable could you hold me well I just spent thanks so much Leslie I have loved your book I read it cover to cover oh I just gave it to you an hour ago I'm a speed reader I can read over 3,000 words a minute with total comprehension one time I read all of Siddhartha at a traffic stop pawnees most notorious businessman in the building I brought some entertainment720 pillowcases for your pillow never stop dreaming Tom Haverford I never do Chris Traeger respect game recognize game perfect hey how was your run ended with a five and a half a minute and my oh my personal low I think the pavement in this town is soft what's with the mask flu prevention my body is finely tuned like a microchip and the flu is like a grain of sand it gets literally shut down the entire system my body's like a chip - potato chip no speaking potato chips you and I are on for dinner tomorrow yes yes definitely I'm super super excited looking forward to it excellent way to go buddy way to go we've been on a couple of dates I really like him the problem is he's like a perfect human man I can't find one flaw there was one time I thought he farted but it was me drinking meister you made it yeah I got your email We Need to Talk first off though try a little snake juice it's a hundred and forty proof which means it's 70% alcohol but don't worry there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake I believe and ounce of that would literally kill me hey Anne what happened I just saw you a few hours ago and you were fine not like damn you're fine but fine health-wise my body has no fat to protect itself from disease things happen very quickly listen to me it's very important that you replenish my body with electrolytes after every involuntary loss of bodily fluids my body since losing a lot of fluids when it's sick my brain is on fire I'm dying mm-hmm well you definitely have the flu don't my god the microchip has been compromised you seem like you can use a beer it's gonna be R well oh oh don't keep him too long I need someone to be here when I take my multivitamin there's choking hazard okay can we go diabetes fight it not quite but I like the energy are we still rolling yep diabetes okay can we take a break I think that's a great idea I think we almost have it and I'm very excited at that prospect I'll cancel my four o'clock and my five o'clock and my six o'clock appointments I vomited somewhere in this room I don't remember where though wait you might want to check that drawer stop pooping you have to get up off the floor now this farce my friends nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating I love the flu this is weird we're on Chris's couch yeah we are and I'm wearing his clothes well well sorry I keep myself very well hydrated and my bladders the size of a thimble I urinate roughly 12 times a night can I ask you a question why am I so positive all the time yes that's exactly the question I was born with a blood disorder and my parents were told that I had three weeks to live and here I still AM some two thousand five weeks later and I have enjoyed every one of them every time I cleanse I can literally feel the toxins leaving my body I know I feel so much healthier I've still got a full week to go before the broth stage hmm free broth is an amazing stage it's when you're most alert hey whatever happened to you and the bionic man Chris he broke up with me but he did it so nicely that I didn't even realize he did it I've done that to multiple men well good news is this is just tendonitis how is that good news the other option with shoulder cancer really no look you exercise a lot you're in great shape little things like this happen with men of your age men of my age how old do you think I am 42 huh I am 44 and I plan to live to be 150 okay so what's the cure get a time machine go back to being 20 dr. Harris you are literally the meanest person I've ever met so you're saying that I intimidated you no not exactly more about that tension workshop guy went to I was so into you okay and you basically turned me into a female version of yourself and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself huh I mean I was jogging I hate jogging jogging is the worst Chris snowing outside isn't that great you seem like you're in a good mood actually I'm quite miserable I admire and respect you and dragging you through an ethics trial yes Fellini was sadness I have never felt so low well you're radiating pure joy I went to my herbalist and got two b12 shots and then I ate an unreasonable amount of st. John's wort and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums and now my mouth feels like a spaceship this is stressful and stress leads to depression and if I don't maintain an extremely high dosage of herbal remedies I will get very depressed oh god it's happening right now we are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope viola oMG Leslie I read that same article the history of the latter it's utterly fascinating Ben you're gonna love this do you know that the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia Spain drawn over ten thousand years oh my god how about some music [Music] it's amazing what is this [Music] why does the call call themselves the reasonable lists well they figure if people criticize them and I'll seem like they're attacking something very reasonable that's weirdly brilliant there's nothing to worry about they've said that the world's gonna end 15 times and the only bad thing that's ever happened on any of those dates is Lance Armstrong dumping Sheryl Crow that was a tragic day mm-hmm LIVESTRONG in any rate I think Ben and I should accompany you tonight oh I don't think we have to do that no no I insist these people live on planet nut brain I live on planet got bran randon nuts are very helpful for your colon mr. fantastic yeah I worked really hard I did every pair that I could I didn't know what to do with these I think they're gloves no no no those are sports sandals they are for adventure racing they perfectly contour to the human foot and the human foot is the ultimate technology dude that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk somebody say my name Chris swivel what is Jerry you told me to say your name and you did a great job superstar someone else say something you look like a freak swivel April that is not a very good attitude I will keep my eye on you from my circular desk where I can see everything tiny swivel see how it works come on come on come on Leslie Knope hey Chris why is that new jogging shirt it is it's an experimental fabric called bumble flex it's made out of synthetic bees wings it's cool anyway you're not supposed to be here you're suspended I totally understand that I'm just gonna take my flash drive and I'll do some work from home and oh you're specifically prohibited from doing your job oh I'm not gonna do my job I'm just gonna oversee the department and check in on the parks and attend any meetings that are required at the deputy director it's like go home and to give me the flash drive this is a nasal spray give me the flash drive give me the nasal spray on three one two three okay now in two weeks lastly No [Music]

Channel: Parks and Recreation

Views: 1,041,017

Keywords: Parks And Rec, Parks and Recreation, Pawnee, NBC, Leslie Knope, Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Ann Perkins, Aziz Ansari, Tom Haverford, Nick Offerman, Ron Swanson, Aubrey Plaza, April Ludgate, Chris Pratt, Andy Dwyer, Ben Wyatt, Jerry Gergich, Donna Meagle, Official Channel, adam scott, Rob Lowe, Chris Traeger, Bionic Man, Chris Traeger Best Moments, Chris Traeger Funny Moments, Parks and Recreation Stop Pooping, Parks and Recreation Compilation

Id: nfqp3ocLIus

Length: 10min 9sec (609 seconds)

Published: Wed Dec 04 2019