Carol Burnett Show 10SEP1977 Guest: Jim Nabors

channel 2 Chicago [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] to our first show of our 11th season it's so good to have you all with us and I'd like to tell you we have tonight along with Pete Max and our wonderful orchestra we have with us Vicki Lawrence [Applause] I have loved for many many years and he's going to be part of our rep company every single week this season or the one and the only and that's a cliche ridden phrase but it really applies to him mr. Dick Van Dyke and also since this is the first show we kind of have a lucky charm with us for the first show of the past ten seasons now the amount of time our first guest is my very good friend mr. Jim Nabors summer vacation anybody have anything you want to say gar what everybody first time nobody's ever yes what happens to my costumes well I give I'm gonna give this to Cher and she'll wear it do I have avoid going into public restaurant no not since I've learned to use a fork and a knife how is the kid doing fine fact I got a little surprise for you later look those of you who have watched our show over the years and those of you who haven't but know oh sorry Dick Van Dyke [Music] [Applause] [Music] with Vicki Lawrence [Music] and also starring Tim Conway [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] can we eat now just because that can't get home on time like an ordinary husband doesn't mean you got to starve me to death all right all right feed the boys early so they can go out feed you now cuz you're starving to death be dead later cuz he home yet Lauren I feel like a glorified zoo keeper no I'm a dreamer but I was hoping that my two grandsons would sit down at the table when gam-gam came over for dinner oh no they're out somewhere playing in the traffic they are not playing the boys are over doing their homework with their friend Buford will you obviously believe that Yunus so enough said [Laughter] but don't just go opening the door to anybody Eunice you don't know who it's liable to be in this neighborhood hi hey wait a minute you can't be Eunice what huh I know world in an old grizzly bear like it they can snag a cute little pic like you Oh Lord where are my manners I'm sorry I'm Dan Fogarty and they're in the Army together oh you are unison yes I am you know I'm afraid it isn't home yet oh I'm sorry look I'll wait on subside I'll sit on your nose or something just make yourself right at home up mr. Fogarty dan hey Dana all right Dan this is my mother mrs. Harper your mother well this is my day two charming ladies in one fell swoop hi [Music] then why don't you make yourself at home just sit right down there that's a beautiful chair Laura I'm so sorry the house is in such a mantis it's not up to snuff oh I think this nice the whole effect is nice it's cozy Charmin clean as a whistle hey I'm not interrupting anything am I mom nope just eat hey I am so sorry please go ahead you too and eat I'll sit over here and read a matchbook croutons Wow does that smell good well they said you were a good cook sit right down and join us I could I couldn't do that I would well if you're gonna twist my arm okay get you plate default Oh that'd be nice Judas so your name is Paul Gerty that's right but I sure wish you'd call me Dad well I'm not as free and easy as it at the drop of a hat as my daughter here so if you don't mind I'll just call you mr. Fogarty well I always think of my father is mr. Fogarty he's just what my mama told me well anyway I must have been a couple of years ago I guess huh and I run into each other in this uh [Music] in Denver I think it was and I you know we got that kitten around and laughing her darn head soften it always does seem to have a good time when he's away from home yeah well I'm we weren't having all that good time you know we I mean we're just sitting there sort of smile and then and it said to me Danny says what the heck is if you ever down Raytown way why don't just drop by and stay awhile so well uh gee Dan I can recommend a real nice little motel that's right on the outskirts of town uh some of our relatives stayed there last year when my aunt ain't died and uh they said it was real clean and real cheap then they got free soap and the glasses are wrapped and then in the bathroom they got them little paper ribbons around the seat mom that's great to know I'd have I mean I wouldn't dream of imposing on you and add in your own house even though I'm a quiet kind of a guy you know I'm comfortable honest Sofer or even a mat on the floor so anyhoo i got kind of a bit of a gypsy in my soul saturday I said to myself what the heck dan why don't you go on down to raid town you know maybe you could help ed out with his chain of hardware stores or something he's changed it's got one dinky little story you came hard to turn around in it without knocking something over sneaky son of a gun yeah but you know ed could use a little free help down at the store Dan cuz all he's got down there is this nitwit assistant by the name of Mickey Hart and all he does is just mess things up and he goes around getting paid for it Yunis I don't imagine mr. Fogerty here was planning on helping out for free go get it that might be ask yellow oh dear you realize what time it is know what just a minute dad let me say something please do there's somebody here to see you I don't tell him who it is well never you mind that that's a surprise uh-huh and you got another surprise when you get home - uh-huh your dinner know what you're gonna have spaghetti ice cold spaghetti you think I'm gonna heat that sucker up again for you you go racket out here and where are you are you in a bar the airport and what what you what is the matter with you if this is a joke this is in very poor taste you're drunk you are drunk well if you ain't drunk mister you had better be I'm sitting here waiting for a ride home you must be completely yeah your mother will you get back here this mister this minute mister you regret the day you were born what who do you think you are talking to what [Laughter] [Music] Yunis what is it [Laughter] your dinners getting cold I should spaghetti dance oh very very tasty good you know you never did tell us where you're from well originally from Cedar Rapids Rapids Oh Luminos will you try to look sensible you're looking at goofy way you look that time you fell off the swing at kiddie land what was that conversation about oh it was a Lulu mama but what it did say oh nothing much he just mentioned something about getting on an airplane and flying away with the woman he loves and leaving me forever ain't that funny well that's just plain impossible you know uh I can't remember the name of the movie where uh this exact same situation happened to Irene Dunne and uh and she just had to laugh it off and that's exactly what I am gonna do listen you know what you know what I'll bet old ed was kidding you know what a great hitter he is after all he slept on bunk over me all those years I remember one night Yunis I want you to think real hard darling now we're those ads words exactly because you know you don't ever get anything straight those were his exact words mama she shook every give me credit for remembering anything nor Dean when I was a little girl dad she she used to make me write it down on a piece of paper if she sent me for just one fight at the grocery store just one fighting game at unist one time you went Frank James whole-wheat bread and you came home with a you know there was a couple of pictures where Irene Dunne had to laugh things off Eunice what were ads words exactly here is the whole conversation mama and I'm only gonna give it to you once so you better get it I picked up that phone and I said hello Edie we have been waiting patiently for you and he said I am at the airport and I just called to say so long toots and I said you are drunk and he said drunk with happiness Eunice and then you started shooting off your mouth about something and then he said I am flying off to Mexico with cherlene because I feel I must grab love well I can and I'll get me a lawyer or as soon as I get where I'm going and I'll call you and don't worry I will always support my boy and I said you must be completely out of your mind and he said I am thinking real clear for the first time in my life too and I said just who do you think you are talking to and he said you can work at the hardware store Eunice with Mickey Hart even you can learn how to use a cash register and I said would teach my boys to be tough little scrappers and think real good thoughts about their daddy and I said would and he said oh and by the way be sure and tell that mama yours I'm gonna be real happy never to look at her rotten miserable face again he said so long to that he hung up well his last remark just proves he's never appreciated a single thing I've ever done for him all I've ever tried to do was help that hopeless case and what thanks do I get for did it ever occur to you that my whole life me being deserted by my husband might be a little bit more important than an insult to you I mean do you believe this banner sheets it's taken center stage oh no I thought my mama couldn't see past a tip of her own oh damn [Music] doesn't in the Army when we got dizzy we always put her head between your legs just me did you mind if I help myself to a beer the first thing we have to do here is to just stay calm now are you sure you heard ad correctly because you know you never get anything right not really meetings at unis that doesn't mean he won't be coming back you didn't hear his voice mama you say ran off with a woman well what the hell else would he run off with well I don't know I wouldn't have been surprised with it to Ben that Mickey Hart he'll kill them cop teams on TV [Applause] a woman mama or she must be some prize package watch how you ed must have a screw loose why would a man want to leave a lovely wife a little hole like this I betcha she's all doped up like everybody is today oh mama what am I gonna do I don't go to work in Eddy Cue breezy old hardware store I'm gonna raise my boys without a daddy I don't have any skills I can't tap I can't rent a switchboard I've only made this world I'm good for housework everything's gonna work out alright it always does of course it will darling and mama knows best doesn't she oh yeah wouldn't it mama who told you not to marry it in the first place who told you he was gonna bring you nothing but grief I knew it I knew it I've been waiting for it I've been waiting for it not one minute after I have been dumped into a life of poverty and starvation and here you go with I told you so boy you sure like to kick a person when they're down don't you mama very much a real pretty picture you painted me in front of this stranger here all I'd like is for my judgment to be respected once in a while that's all you know something Eunice who you are right now and today I can laugh about it I don't have one bitter thought about my ex-wife even though she was a vicious backstabbing snake before another door can open for you are you gonna find parts of yourself that were buried you're gonna blossom you're gonna become the wonderful free creature that you ought to be just a minute here bright eyes you came in here telling her she's going to blossom she's been trying to block him for years and shame done he shut up he's just trying to talk to me as one human being to another which is something you never thought I'd doing Dan Fogarty is a man of vision if that's an and if this has been some kind of joke oh boy Oh is he gonna get us [Applause] [Music] Fogerty and folded Kuya Mickey Hart Mickey will you snap to and tell us what the hell's going on here he went down to Mexico to get a divorce you gonna start a whole new life all over again with that miss Shirley Shirley in person hmm well she's had the waitress the cocktail waitress down there it's the Silver Slipper kind of a big tall soft pale looking lady got great big long violations I don't like a great big hairdo about that is she a dope addict Mickey how long have you known about this little plot it adds just found out yesterday came to me said it needs some money so he sold me have her hardware store dad sold you half our hardware store yeah why didn't you call me lay off the little stamp Eunice II dunno D better hey Eunice listen up attractive woman like you oughtn't to be left all alone you know that now don't you think with that gone you feel just a little bit safer with me sacking out on that couch at night no she wouldn't I'm not talking to you mama not pulling your claws Mickey will you please drive this man somewhere you don't live here do you know in that case I'll see you soon Eunice I'll see you real soon now you keep your chin up here thank you thank you I'm gonna go now chin up Parker where do you want to go well I don't care buddy oh I should get buying a chair and a pill at your house tonight mr. maker within going I could help at the hardware store I'm awful big but money maybe I can help with the Brooke what am I gonna do Eunice darling I don't know what to say to make you feel better I just want you to know you've always got me baby [Music] [Music] [Applause] in every major city there is that handful of courageous men who spend their lives fighting crime this is the story of one of those men Danny draft private eye [Music] [Music] hello Danny draft private eye hello operator I highlight for a part of poem is out order [Applause] [Music] [Applause] ah I'm a dead woman Oh probably won't the Morris explains you well then you're cured are you Danny dressed as Ryan yes sure sure I have something to say and no one else can hear oh well I didn't Avon you must talk pretty fast oh they're after me I know how you feel gal they were after me Sunday young little green things a bunch of legs on they're all trying to kill me I need your help well what why I want to help him kill you I already ever do you oh you're a famous private eye I saw your name in the Yellow Pages but I want to hire you to protect me you know well I don't work cheap oh we have a thousand dollars oh well I will take care of the first year by blooded killer after me oh well then maybe a better pay in advance there are a lot of other things worth more than money when is the last time you saw a body like this when I went from bottles to cans I suppose you've forgotten what it's like to be with a woman no not yet but I'm working on it I guess you can't a beard I consider the habit disgusting violent repulsive yeah well don't beat around the bush you won't wandering out lady last night last night the killer tried to fly through my bedroom window [Applause] [Music] is it loaded meant for me sorry I just cry out let's relax and have a beer we know the killer probably followed me here and he's lurking somewhere outside just waiting to attack me we can't let him know we're in here I'll look around and see bees here but there's nobody down here did you look over there buddy [Applause] no wait a minute I had a full beer I hear where does it go I didn't take it [Music] a beer I only got three bears left all right maybe it's my imagination but I tell you I know someone is after me oh look more proof ah this came for me in the mail this morning and I didn't open it because it was ticking huh this could be a bomb I'll tell you what I'll go into the bomb room carefully you remain here and [Applause] [Music] [Applause] well dinner a bomb or a clock with an SD cuckoo [Music] Oh [Applause] [Music] huh oh you probably want the Morris next funny turn your right you saved my life oh you're the greatest detective in the world don't dress well here you now that back now how old are you laughs OH for the first time in months I feel safe I won't be needing this either here you take it because you have a hole right through this bag and let it go belong yeah yeah no more calls [Music] let you kids and gentlemen the wonderful mr. Steve Lawrence be hey this show is so slick man it's gonna slide right off your screen ade [Music] Nashville's babe rod not Gail miss Polly dark [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Wow [Music] [Applause] and here we [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ha [Music] for y'all there's blind masterji the way [Music] three or it makes me [Music] make me high [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] it is my open letter to the United States of America [Laughter] please forgive me I'm an overnight sensation I can't help it I'm the one that you adore my windswept hair has swept the nation but I'm not going to be an angel anymore [Music] what will happen what will happen to the country will the country can the country survive [Music] the poster maker the t-shirt makers the reporters the photographer magazines and the beauty salon cosmetic companies and natural organic th ballast shampoos alive [Music] what is stock market collapses and Wall Street falls apart when unemployment lines get longer and little bread lines to turn Oh forgive me please please forgive me if you don't you'll break my heart but I'm not going to be an angel I will never be an angel anymore [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah [Music] [Applause] he you've just been a terrific audience be sure be with us next week and Jimmy come here would you sign my book for the 11th time the first chef I love you so much thank you and before we say good night I would like to know thank you Tim I think I have yours I wouldn't yeah come on in come on I'd like to just show you what Vicky did on her summer vacation baby Garrett would you sing with us Garrett okay Pete you got a bottle baby [Music] [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] you're pulling my hair [Music] [Applause] [Music] sixty minutes takes you on a stakeout as government agents move in on the mob this and other stories tomorrow evening Tuesday Lou Grant is under the gun as a young terrorist invades the newsroom it Isner stars as Lou Grant Tuesday [Applause] [Music] [Applause] preceding program was recorded before a live audience [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] every year it seems more and more stars hit television shows are holding out for more money or better working conditions or better parts some of them actually wind up leaving the show let's take a look at some of this season's TV holdouts [Music] get this Norman you'll meet these demands or I am walking off the show oh let me take a look at this 250,000 episode Rolls Royce you want a dressing room with a waterbed in it come on twelve and a half percent of the profits are you kidding I'm tired of being exploited Norman take it or leave it yeah well I guess we're just gonna have to replace you how do you like that are you kidding no way you can't possibly replace me my picture is on all the t-shirts on all the posters and all all the lunchboxes you try to replace me the public will drop this show like a lead balloon well yeah well I kind of thought you're gonna quit the show so uh we're holding auditions for your part today yeah he's right out there in the waiting room you're kidding me ha ha ha this I gotta see [Laughter] I want to get me a refill on that yes sir right away let me have these back by three o'clock [Music] all right I think you know about glad I am that we walked off our show me too if they're not willing to pay a person what he or she is worth then I just say tough noogies you see that girl that took your place yeah I mean she's the piss oh honey don't be cruel really honey I mean bulging hips skinny legs is just awful when she runs boy I gotta tell you honey nobody bounces the way you boss they made their bed so I just say let them sleep in it I mean what do they want from me anyway I was on the show for a whole season how about my show huh I mean after I left they had to take it off the air all those poor little people thrown out of work because the producer just wouldn't listen to reason you know Network people really don't understand quality hmm sure glad to get away from those jerks I'll tell you that that's right inside there are other things besides show business you said it baby well I think we better get going huh I think so too sweetheart I don't want to be late honey I'll drop you off at the diner okay maybe you can have a hot dog [Music] okay all right gang let's rehearse this thing as we open father seated in his easy-chair mom is vacuuming and Susie enters okay go I'm walking off the show what you heard me either I get my $2,000 a week raise or I am walking oh the ship Oh Madeline please honey will you be reasonable I am being reasonable I'm the only one on the show with her own comic book I don't need to show us sunk all right okay you've got it you've got what you want now can we just go ahead now good to be here self huh go I'm walking off the show what all right she gets a raise I get a raise I'm looking a thing here it says here father doesn't it I'm the father aren't I yes right there makes sense doctor all right bill you're right you're right you get the raise all right all right all right please would you go all right no are you pushing me hi Susie Mildred it's your line I knew it I do it alright before we go any further you've got your raise okay can you go Mildred no you see I want to be paid one dollar more than anyone else please be reasonable after all the show is called here's father Ryan and Madeline here is a teenage idol honey but I'm the only one here with any previous acting experience alright honey you've got your dollar can we go now all right go please whoa if she is now the highest paid person on the show I think the least you can do is get me a dressing room with my own soda fountain oh wait three can play this what I Ram to the door to-door limo no one will mind if I have a sauna in my dressing room trailer certainly not as long as I get my free trip to Hawaii are you okay class that's it for today now tomorrow we're gonna teach you how to storm off a set throw a tantrum and lock yourself your dressing room [Music] [Applause] [Music] for the second half of it [Music] put your OB Georgia could you kiss me good job if you gotta say why future [Music] excuse me I'm looking for a job as a singer uh talk to whitey Morton he's the boss thank you I guess you're nobody [Music] you mean mr. Morton I'm looking for a job as a singer I'm really quite good hey baby are you crazy can't you see I'm rehearsing a number here can't you see I've already got a girl singer alrighty I'll get along in my other foot [Applause] looks like you may have a job after all let me see your legs well no one has ever seen my legs sir floor I don't think your word for did it got good legs I don't know I've never seen them either uh alright why don't you look over these lyrics and you can go through it with me thank you thank us of the girls eight bars Harry anything you say whitey don't get excited sweetheart I always saw people I like why sure sweetheart 7:30 she must mean a great deal see she's a sweetheart okay take the girls eight bars are you a little higher please Harry just a little higher please [Music] excuse me baby uh there is no way to sing the only way yeah well nobody's things like that for whitey Morton they've got to give it pep and drive an energy day over the top airy card you hold me but you won't you kiss me what you're gonna say twice good job but good job [Music] it's not would you it would yeah what yeah what yeah what yeah what you would yeah quick jump would you would you would you're right [Music] did you just cast me to fire you Mike [Music] [Music] mr. Martin well that was good honey you know something's gonna take a little bit of time but one of these days you're gonna make it big I just know that your name's gonna be up there in big lights over this city what is your name anyway baby Fran San Cisco good there's already up there we'll just switch a few letters around oh no no one has ever kissed me and I don't hug either can we shake not tonight I have a hand a what baby nobody brush it off why do you Martin baby I want to kiss you like you've never been kissed before and nobody's gonna come between us you understand hello it's father melon the singing priest how are you well actually we grew up together two boys two different ways of life one took up the claw and the other opened a nightclub they had gambling and booze wicked women hmm how'd I get in the wrong habits a mood ease I'd like you to meet France and Sysco father hello father hey whitey could I check something with you sure thing Harry listen you two get acquainted be right back he certainly is an unusual man isn't he fun well there's something that you really ought to know about him well you see under that rotten exterior is even a rotten ERK interior [Music] and something really confidential don't ever get involved with him and whatever you do don't ever kiss him there's something dangerous and awful will happen to you well have fun yeah I suppose father melon was telling you what an awful person I am uh yes and I find it very hard to believe after all the nice things you've done for me mm-hmm I don't know how I'm ever going to thank you my dear Oh whitey I want to go all the way to the top of the music I wanna be friends sancisco the toast of San Francisco but mr. Hong I want you to help me get there now let me tell you what I want I want an election you understand Oh Fran can't you understand this I'm crazy about you and I'm crazy about you too you mean it yes I do Oh baby hey I said no kissing [Music] Bigfoot here big link with the pets like this there's the riffraff here is refreshingly quaint baby quite a step down for us though I mean all the way from Nob Hill to sloppy all right thank you thank you very much I know when all you bozos to hold it down out there a little special treat for you tonight my latest and greatest discovery making her nightclub debut here tonight would you say hello to miss Fran San Cisco [Music] one [Music] if one family [Music] [Applause] [Music] you got a body baby use it Aryan hot it up we love [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] baby you were sensational you're gonna be the hit of this town baby I told you no you told your they'll be up in like yes I believe this is only a beginning Fran baby yes I'm just trying to get into this design why there seems to be a note here for me let me see that if someone wants me to come to their tea yeah Robert snob one of the swells from up on Nob Hill without I came to people baby stay away from him whatever you say whitey yeah those hotsy-totsy class in all those phony years yes all that dirt even uphill money just to tell him I don't want to see you hello my dear you are absolutely wonderful I enjoyed your performance but you should be thinking here no no you should be singing Grand Opera yes I've just been discussing it with my chums here their Opera buffs like me oh yeah they're in tangent like you kinda like your Italian disco this is Vangelis Co Sam Nabisco event for disco where are you from upper mount kisco 5u i have that wonderful news for you you see I've just written this new opera yes of course I'll be starring in this opera but there's a marvelous role for a lead tenor oh but I sing soprano well so do I always been my biggest dream mr. snob but you see whitey Morton says I can go places here laddie boy yes that's making a grab good give me give me whitey that that boon thing womanizer that two-timing in horse gamble oh you know him yeah we've never been but I hate that terrible if I think the bad Heidi I've had so many wonderful things about you how are you whitey I'm so happy to hear yet excuse me why yeah well the answer is no snob you're not gonna sing in the Grand Opera she's got a contract with me you mean she's got a contract with you that's right but contracts were made to be broken so we're here don't hate why don't you get out of here you little creep Oh ciao come on chappie take your creepy friends with you hi don't come back Bob baby I'm sorry I know what offer means to you but I can't let you go why whitey why can't you let me go because I love you you're crazy babe you don't love me you only want to use me like you use all your women for

Channel: W Mackey

Views: 566,081

Rating: 4.6235294 out of 5

Keywords: Mr. Tudball, Mrs. Wiggins

Id: nQm22l3QAkw

Length: 62min 39sec (3759 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 25 2019