Carol Burnett Show 10th Season Opener (excerpts)

this is 11 WTTW public television for chicago the chicago presentation of the best of Ernie Kovacs therefore as is my habit I present to you my latest spinoff and I humbly think the finest hour in video history it's a soap opera for children and titled [Music] [Music] good morning no no wait wait a minute I don't know I don't know why I said that you see is you know I came to the phone I don't know if it's a good morning or not you know for all I know it could be raining outside you know it's just kind of an expression of speech you know you pick up the phone and he says good morning I mean unless of course it does the afternoon and then I might say good afternoon or evening you know but I see I don't know if it's a good morning or not I hang on why do you let me check and see if it's a good morning I'll be right back [Music] there I'd say it's a fear morning fair warning yes this is Mary Mary quite contrary yes who's this police the police oh say look now listen if it's about that dollhouse I can explain everything I was huh what my grandfather yes his name is Willie uh-huh yes sometimes they call him wee Willy yeah he's been arrested arrested for what for peekaboo e peekaboo Inge I didn't know what that mean running all through the town in his nightie oh no no really no that no I think you made some mistake no that couldn't be my Eden upstairs and downstairs let's strike down with a panda oh that does sound like him ah okay okay okay okay okay okay I'll be right over all right okay thank you my grandfather a peekaboo er [Applause] come on you look upset I don't know what I'm going to do my grandfather's been arrested for pika boy oh well at least he's working my brand daddy never had lick is long he's alive Lauretta why are you here well Mary as you know I'm in the habit of eating me a big old bowl full of curds and whey's about this time every morning do you use the instant kind yeah easier well anyway I was in right in the middle of the biggest curd this morning when we didn't the biggest ugliest old spot of God ever put breath in to sit down beside me on my new couch from Sears no worry honey it's Scotch guarded well anyway I nearly met my maker when I spotted the little devil tarantula a phase called anyhow baby boy wasn't home so I was wondering if I could just set his bail with you till he comes to get me do you use the little crystals it's freeze-dried you know man I used to use the freeze-dried but them little crystals have won my heart you know I think maybe there's a song in that there were little cream [Applause] [Music] you sweet thing I kill that fern that booger head uses spoon control your flamin passion for me now there is a time and a place for everything you're right let's go home coffee Oh Mary honey I think you best sit down all right no it must be important or you wouldn't tell me to sit down I mean you know you told me to sit down and I know it's important otherwise she'd say Mary why don't you say him we now goes on my way over here in my semi state of shock from the aforementioned spider your backyard is plain today and oh man leaping around in nothing but he's knighted I just see which way he went yeah he was headed towards that funny-looking house down there you know the ones got all them young guns Charlie that is not a house I mean don't you know a house when you see half Charlie that old woman lives in a shoe don't you know that don't you know the difference charlie between a shoe and a house I mean surely that old woman is living in a shoe you know I've heard she's never been married how'd she get all those children you know Mary by winking ever changed she got they're eating as plain as the nose on your face that old woman is pure D trash I'm taking you home this is she has got enough troubles around here without us adding to him and besides I only got 20 minutes left on my look now isn't is the funniest thing I can't seem to budge my legs the least little bit that is funny then Mary I have had no formal medical education to speak up but I would be willing to bet my eyeteeth that this is a psychological paralysis that has rendered me immobile from the waist down but can you move your legs I need now my best friend was just discovered this Sheik is a mogul from the from the waist down spiders invading her home and then I'm living next door to a woman who's got a hospital of children she's raising in a two-story wedgie you know maybe I should try it [Applause] who's there pika pika whoo pika whoo peekaboo [Music] all right [Music] the cutest little naughty house that wash up yeah hands off there is some kind of pervert I am Mary how about if he and butter sandwich please you can't stay here I'm right in the middle of my own personal nervous breakdown I don't have time to peek at your panda okay there this is the police we got the place surrounded okay coppers get your panda blown off come out with your hands up or we'll hop and we'll cool [Music] [Music] [Music] you know athlete cheek on stone squirrely come on honey we've only got ten minutes let me drag me home [Music] hello humpty-dumpty hot [Music] laughs Arnall what's the stuffy always spraying in the kitchen it's Lysol you know with the windows closed owners get trapped inside and Lysol kills germs that cause odors germs we got germs relax arm even the cleanest homes have germs that's why I spray with Lysol Lysol spray disinfectant kills household germs on surfaces where they grow including germs that cause odors of course Arnold germs are the only thing that cause odors around here I'm going to show you the many ways that a woman can use Johnson's baby oil remove your makeup and mascara moisturize your complexion to move it on your body over knees and elbows and put a little in your back to feel soft all over now think of all the cosmetics you can do without with Johnson's baby oil from Johnson & Johnson you know it's one of the toughest weeds in your lawn the dandelion because dandelions have roots up to two feet long and if you don't get it all it just grows back what you need is Scotts Turf filter plus - it gets rid of the whole dandelion root at all and 40 other weeds - while it helps thicken your lawn with turf filter fertilizer so take care of your weeds as was your lawn with turf floater plus - from Scotts ladies and gentlemen for our 10th season in a row and I'm sure happy to have him with us tonight Jim Nabors [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] wherever you go wherever you may wonder your life Julian Oh [Music] and even by the kitchen and everything [Music] watching you and how I know [Music] now if there's anything special you'd like sir oh you know room service more towels I don't just kind of get to bed I been driving for two days I shouldn't have stopped I got this big business steal and pull off I gotta keep going because they're kissing will there be anything else there huh I just hit that old sack and see if I can guess [Music] ah thanks we're going [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] ah [Music] Oh [Music] [Music] oh I'm sure you'll enjoy the peace and quiet here sir it's down okay it's raw right we can iron and cook seven days a week for you and your five kids this is where you bring me for a vacation [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah Hey [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] oh I just went hang on [Applause] they film for the second half [Music] the Alamo against desperate hogs they plot the epic battle for Texas Independence John Wayne Richard Widmark and Laurence Harvey malleable tomorrow at 8/7 central on CBS the channel 2 newsroom you never know who's going to drop by [Music] the news dog they talked to Channel 2 News [Music] Harry Porterfield weekend's Channel 2 News [Music] [Applause] little reward on it class go get for $200 with my getting on Red River the whole trip but I got it [Music] it do you have to play racing car every time this little wheelbarrow for a change instead of that racing car don't want the wheelbarrow there is not flame but not because I won't be the racing car with that little flat iron won't be the top half I am the top hat I am always the top hat when we play Monopoly it is a family tradition this games going anyway feel like I've been sitting here forever oh come on mama we're just getting to the exciting part where we're getting our monopolies we're gonna build our house oh there you go now you go right around there nine that lands you on red and Railroad two one two three four five six seven eight nine lands me on red railroad to you you gotta give me $25 how come cuz I own it because I landed on it with a need only two he landed on it earlier this afternoon so why don't you just pay well all I do in this game is shell after money do it max 825 my turn oh you know I just feel you know the rain always does bring me luck come on okay here we go [Applause] kind of open I think I'm gonna buy myself some houses or here and four here and with the hotels and the houses I got here I am invincible you know if that rain lets up unis it's still not too late for us to catch that two-for-one sale bath lazy drugs in the meantime we're missing the good western all the TV what's she doing what about the game sure sure I don't know why I didn't expect it huh no Eunice is the head right Eunice has got the two prime properties on the board for the first time in her life she's about to win so that's all just quit huh I mean far be it for me to ask you all to finish a nice friendly little game of Monopoly just when I am on the verge of the greatest triumph of my life [Music] Yunis if you really want play just say so well I don't wanna play unless nobody else does no lefties I'm gonna catch that West Indies sitting on a throne okay now you're coming to my I'm gonna get you and now you have to do is throw up three or four or seven or limit had come out to five six eight ten step into my parlor said the spider to the fly here now you landed on my st. James Place which I happen to own and I got three houses on that which means you owe me five hundred and fifty dollars yes that's just a bump gonna clean me out why don't you just mortgage some of your property don't loan the mortgage of a property mortgage property hell if game is depressing and oh wait trying to make ends meet Oh can't you find it in your heart to show me little mercy you hey I wanna show you some mercy honest I do but only losers show mercy come on work it work it overhead you ought to be used to going broke hell that's the easiest thing you do no lady placing boardwalk no you can't find houses lift your turn I can buy houses anytime I want no you can't Yunus that's cheating now I'm to look up buying houses in the room do not cheat in game she's probably right in she used to play this game by the hour never did win as I recall that's because you and Philip and Ellen was always ganging up on me achievement nobody ever cheated you Eunice everybody else just had more sense that's all especially Philip your brother there wasn't anything he couldn't do let us not have another chapter on Philip come on mama you wrote three let's see that put you on chance few but one two three puts me on chance was it that well I'll get that but don't you do a thing until I get back and you just read that out loud hello hello yes this is five five five six three three four what's it say mama says advance to go oh shoot all the durm look Ella hello huh mama it's Philip he's calling all the way from Rome that's an Emily feel the best wonderful says collect $200 thirty-six Parker Brothers eight yeah line your couple mom let you go here and you get this I don't know I'm good I'm sure mom believed wrong we can get back to the game hello my sweet baby angel I have my little precious darling don't you times road there is been Network saying oh well in that wonderful unis your brothers over there in Rome writing a movie and darn if you didn't go get himself engaged to one of them Italian movie stars no kidding does she speak English this actress with all I mean is if you have any kids Phillip Jake our dad will understand a word they're saying yeah all right you told me about the movie and you've told me about getting yourself engaged so just don't waste a lot of money telling me the same thing twice do you have anything you want to say feel it before he hangs up yeah well you ask him if he knows whether you can buy houses when it's not your turn one thing Phillip can you buy houses win it can you buy my is when it's not your turn or do you have to wait well don't you use that tone of voice with me young man I thought I write you anything we're all right there all right darling angel bye-bye don't you be getting yourself into any more messes you hear all right you called getting real soon now Baba what fell say about the house I don't know it got so insolent with me drove answer right out of my head may I now thank you very much you know it is my turn so I think I'm gonna buy my house pulled off in her place I got the money right here what's wrong I want three houses only place that's $200 leave it's gonna rob you of your cash reserves any more hurt because I feel lucky great there I've got it mate [Music] st. Charles place is mine hotel on there that means you owe me seven hundred and fifty dollars you're all skin values [Music] park you know her cleans me there's not a hell of a lot heretofore achill but don't you worry about me add I don't how to play this game I'll just uh have to uh mortgage some of my property here they're all but none you just keep mama put money there from the bank enough here is the rest of us that's what I owe ya okay you sure you figured this up right shall I get an accountant in here check it a notary public and here cars I'm figured it up right oh my you cheer up Eunice you're getting further than your forehead from all that crap I had another turn it's my turn my turn I know this game I three double late for me to rebuild my empire [Music] [Music] welcome tomorrow tail I'll move all the little things could cost you thousands of $50 that's 50 not 15 50 500 final Haley you ever gonna learn to lose gracefully it is not the loosen that I mind do you think I am that small it is the way he sneers and jeers and looks about it little oh let him enjoy making a little buddy lord knows he never had that pleasure in real life there's not taken enough for you just cause you're old and your mind has gone you can't be thrown out here on your ear if I could still have a chance if you took some of my mortgage property you see and then I might have a chance of winning and making a comeback well seems to me all right [Music] [Music] [Applause] come on what do you say you and me go out in this typhoon to that sale would you like that been askin floppies big fat behind down on the couch she watches westerns yeah happy now you don't have to play Illinois happy I'm gonna bury this bozo come on from me little property years [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] tonight is a family show so we have Pete Matt's in the orchestra and Tim Conway [Applause] [Music] [Applause] yes yeah my friend and I are taking drama next semester at school we'd like to know if you give us a couple pointers on how to overcome stage fright how to overcome stage fright oh my lord that's a tough one I have you ever been on stage before one what I'll tell you what I did when I first went to New York and I had my first audition and I walked out and there was a stage there in the barrage of the stage light right there bare stage and I kind of looked out and there were the producers and the director and the whole thing and I was scared to death and a friend of mine at Tony's that just imagined the people out there sitting on the John I felt a little better you know and when they were kind of in a vulnerable position and they weren't quite as frightening you know so maybe think about that don't giggle how you keep your nice shape I keep it because nobody else was yeah hi I was wondering if you can say hello to all your fans at Grossmont High School in San Diego growth monitor bro Ruslan Rosemont no where the hell year we got the idea for the if Eunice kid I heard from you before [Music] relatives that are deeply offended you know what we're gonna do with unis in a couple of weeks she's gonna go on the gong show once you a lot heavier when you work there by a lot heavier when I worked with Gary more no television I've seen some of those old tapes not too not too long ago and I was very skinny very skinny no I came more white doing this show must have been something wrong with my telomere month then maybe it was somebody I know you got me mixed up with Raquel Welch everybody does yeah it's true them you're gonna be doing the same time next year with Nick Van Dyne it looks that way yes we're hoping to gonna do a play this spring with Dick Van Dyke at the Hartford time next year don't go away we'll be right back [Applause] [Applause] whoa who was it I don't know didn't say anything he just hung up why they hang up I had the wrong number why would someone call a wrong number at this time of night all wrong number any time I don't think they picked this number but I just know just wrong know is it a signal there's what a signal your friend that called he's not my friend he's not know what you said they didn't say anything I didn't how do you know it says he I don't she just said he's not my friend it's just a figure of speech when you say that yeah well what I should have said was whoever it was didn't say anything so why didn't you say that oh I wish I would have [Music] is that part of your plan what plan to confuse me very simple you just said it was a he when it's really a sheep but then you're saying whoever to confuse me that's confusing made she who don't ask me she's your friend there's no she that's just just a wrong number that's all pretty look there's no there's no sheep somebody just dial got the wrong number that's all throw out what was that a sickle why closing the window close the window because that was cold why didn't you close the window before you got the signal on the phone I wasn't cold before I got the signal look it's no signal see no she it's a wrong number on the phone I just closed that because I was cold that's all I go to sleep oh are you sure she saw that why the lights go on and off did who do that you tell me she's your friend Martha fine she just go to sleep it's 2:30 how did you know it's 2:30 that's what the clock says or is it because she said she was gonna call at 2:30 who the girl it's waiting outside for your signals of closing the window and turning the lights on and off look there's no girl nobody waiting or anything that was wrong number do you understand now why in your wildest imagination would I want to even mess around with another woman you know I love you crying out loud get to sleep oh yeah gosh I mean I'm sorry I guess I'm just jealous oh no reason to be I I love you now you just you just go to sleep I gotta get up early huh I love you too and I'm I'm sorry all right No [Music] you open that door now close [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] hello is this a switchboard could you connect me to apartment 408 please hello hi this is Lucille Burnside next door gee I hope I'm not disturbing you but you see I'm in a bit of a quandary here my fridge went on the blink and and I I need some ice do you think you could spare some oh oh oh thank you very much I'll be right over [Music] [Music] yeah hi hi I thought I'd save you the trip hey you know you've been so nice not to complain about the party and all the noise noise I love noise I love parties I love dancing me too ciao [Music] [Music] [Music] apartment 408 please [Music] how all this is the operator downstairs at the switchboard crisis here and we were wondering if you could help us out well you know that attractive young woman who lives next door to you an apartment 407 she just got an emergency call from her mother but her phone is out of order could we impose upon you to give her the message and let her use your phone to call her mother back I'll thank you very much oh hi again you know your mother's been trying to reach you but your phone's out of order it is yeah well it sounded pretty urgent so why don't you come next door and use my phone what a neighbor's for [Music] they was depicted you're lucky uh-huh [Music] hello hi mom no nothing's new and exciting the same as I was when you called an hour ago only this time without a paddle no nothing mom just an inside joke yeah with my luck I'll be talking to you again at exactly 11:15 [Music] whoo [Music] [Music] [Music] yeah oh I thought the noise was coming from here I'm terribly sorry I rang the wrong Bell how do you mean that well you see I was invited to the party next door myself and my date just called me at the last minute and he can't make it so naturally I didn't want to go over there by myself I think you get my drift only too well what look I was just going to that party to pick up some action and get out as fast as possible look you get my drift why we go now listen listen honey look you're here I'm here what do we need a middleman for let's have our own party we have the music we have the wine all we need is a corkscrew no but look I tell you but I like parties and I like dancing on a crowded dance floor and I don't have a corkscrew so why don't we go look you're not giving me a chance to win you over with my subtle charms I love it [Music] hey hi ball games over you wanna come to bed [Music] [Applause] [Music] I'm so glad [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] afternoon mr. Willard with the Davis vacuum cleaner company and I like to present for this little gift of my mind all right there that's a little keychain there with a flashlight on the end you use that at night trying the light right on the keyhole there and then there's makes it easier fine for the key that little fight there is guaranteed for life first of it gives out the next couple of weeks to don't think it's the end for you thank you yeah Java was worrying if you had a couple of moments perhaps I'd like to demonstrate the new Davis to you has some interesting attachment you might be interested in seen well yeah sure I guess I got a few minutes come on in great thanks very much thank you [Music] okay well why don't you just sit right over here and relax and how am I kind of set up here won't take me a bit a minute that had an outlet here can you here we go are you guys indoor electricity next thing they'll have indoor plumbing [Music] this is the Davis model 500 not that we've had 499 models before they say just that they decided to call it the 500 okay now with the Davis model of 500 we have kind of a unique feature here in the what we call the error info terminal now you don't see the air in Oh terminal because it is located within the tank of the vacuum cleaner itself so you wouldn't see it unless of course it breaks down and then even that you wouldn't see it all your repairmen would see it [Music] the Aryan flow terminal is kind of a unique saying in this new vacuum cleaner we've eliminated eliminated the filter so that means is that the air in the dirt they just go right through the vacuum cleaner you go into a disposable bag down here don't need a filter yeah you're not gonna buy one of these I understand I've been selling these things are over eight years I can tell just the way you're sitting there with that who's hanging out like that [Music] five wonderful my old don't you had old one stuff they all do that sure your old way yeah you just try to make me feel good well you just get yourself another guy really you would like to see how this one works well sure I bet you would sure because then I put on all these attachments they sweet to the rug and then I squeeze the couches we did great sure I do your whole house where you still up by one will you get yourself another sucker oh we can sit down over here we all right let's just take this thing one at a time okay well is this gonna take long [Music] all right now will you just relax okay yeah hey aren't you forgetting something what orange is supposed to give me a gift sure there you go what's this dumb cheap thing got a light on it what good is that look at that you put the light on the keychain isn't long enough to get the camera turn the light on you gotta be real quick to get around oh that stinks just forget about that will you now let's see how this thing works here look I got a lot of calls to make it's already 2:30 why did I just get on here I gotta get going please now how do you turn this thing on I don't know it's a new model this works very much I can't hear you what I can't hear you see how the thing works if I don't turn it on well that's your problem well it seems to be working just great how much is this I don't know here look it up

Channel: W Mackey

Views: 160,347

Rating: 4.5267177 out of 5

Keywords: Family, Mary Mary Quite Contrary, Carol Burnett, Jim Nabors

Id: liG5rvCsCjo

Length: 62min 44sec (3764 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 10 2019