Carol Burnett Show 26March1977

ergo [Music] [Applause] this evening along with Pete Matt's in the orchestra and Harvey harvey korman Vicki Lawrence and Tim Conway as our guest the wonderful mr. ken berry [Applause] yes guy that designed your dress is the same guy that designed chairs why don't they look the same is that what you're gonna ask pardon me show your belly button how come I don't show my belly button I don't have one I'm from Mars have you ever had your kids on the show no no I won't put them on the show even if they would want to go on which they I don't think do let me tell you my old lady didn't have a television show of her own so let them get there [Music] [Applause] [Music] with harming carbon [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's the biggest waste of time yet and mr. Perkins academ in her act not poster yeah did you want me to come in there right now that's right get in here Jimmy quick Therese bang right now okay but do I need a pencil or paper laughs unless you're gonna write down the address on how to get here [Music] no I don't need directions I've been in your office dozens of times [Music] there he is alleged and gentlemen the last survivor in the cavity of deep the great the tribe known as the Speedos they used to roam the plains by the thousands meth eventually they slowed themselves to death the Harkey here comes right now we'll hear her speak Oh oh we're in luck it's the mating season what's the matter with you I don't know I'm just so tired it's all this Christmas hubbub you know Christmas I got the real Walter Cronkite before you kid Christmas isn't the further nine two months yet oh I know that no it's just that I like to do all of my shopping now so that I won't be tired then that makes a lot of sense that's like eating a jar of jelly in case somebody asked you to the peanut butter prom that little piece of information into my time capsule that's very good can I go now I have presents to wrap hands gonna I got the leather here from the insurance company in instead quite the concern here they say that we don't have a fire safety programmer for this office that they're gonna raise my insurance rates here so so well they're sending than adjuster over here this afternoon and we're gonna run through our fire safety program for him so when he gets here we can show it to him showing what we don't have a fire safety program I know we don't that's we're going to have one now I got this thing all worked out so by golly plus the rate won't go in the higher that's already hair all right little a plan of the office here need your attention so that we can see this a plan that did now the first thing in the case of a fire and what would you do I'd leave know that you'd leave but where would you leave it - well Wow I think I would just jump out of the window and go onto the fire escape yeah well you would you dummy we don't have the fire escape and more up here I'm the fifth floor if you jump out the window you'd give you by golly it's home worse the worth to setting a torture to the old friends don't jump out of the window for crying out loud all right here on the start this appropriate when today's that's going to be our new a fire whistle if you see a fire anywhere here in the office you just to blow that the whistle like this we all know that that's a fire that's time to get out try that yeah give us a now get any sound out of it mr. tudball I'm just too tired it's Christmas and all the hubbub well let's hope that it's a smaller fire all right now look after you blow the whistle and then you know what you have to do then yeah I go to the ladies room with regard to the ladies room blowing this whistle makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna be sick he had down to golf and the ladies room the next thing you do is you get down onto the floor on all of [ __ ] that's in case there's a lad they smoke in here you're gonna need some oxygen and believe me your brain needs all docs for you in the kindig-it so we get down there onto the floor you crawl it through this door and through this door and you go out into the hall and down there to the fire escape you got that yeah I gotta buy some mistletoe you know wonderful put it in your hair will have an opportunity to kiss a toad I'm gonna run through this a fire-prevention hanging here and let's see how this works so when that guy gets here we got it down to pat you got that all right now everybody down the fire [Music] [Music] hey Bambi this guy is going to be time in this thing with a stop not not there with the calendar I'm really getting lightheaded her er should be with that the head the pull of helium now look I want you to study discipline the real good so another guy gets here that we got it down there really good yeah all right jingle hey to riding in one hello hi mr. Goodman from the Dalton insurance company I have an appointment to see mr. tudball oh I have to mount you attention mr. Dalton from the Goodman insurance company is here all right thank you very much Cameron no no that's mr. Goodman from the Dalton Insurance Company no no no that's mr. Goodman from the Dalton insurance company that's the time to send him right injured then the patient doesn't say this is the day visit to mr. Davis from the insurance company that's Goodman dear Davis is the president Oh fine that's Goodman dear mr. Davis is the president mr. Goodman from the Dalton Insurance Company as mr. Davis who is the president thank you I'll sign them all in here he said she can all go in thank you that's a nice tie you have my word you get it this time it was a Christmas present I couldn't wait to open it huh what oh never mind I'm just too tired to talk you came [Music] hello there good afternoon there mister Dalton though I'm mr. Goodman from the dolphin insurance up I are mr. Davis the president oh good earned your Weintraub is our controller mr. Wyckoff is our sales director don't suppose you have any comment the insurance down there do you [Applause] right on right should they collect on that last disaster that's right well I think the way got the real good the news before you here in the office you see we got the new fire safety program here that I think is gonna keep our rates all right to where they are right now it dirac the bottom well as long as you have the proper alarm system and the proper exercise I'm sure we can work something out where I see that form I ask you mr. lovely for the separate over one-time offer [Music] mr. tudball didn't is your secretary feeling all right just gets a little Wiggy around the holidays hi mrs. Wiggins we're not there ready to run through the fire escape the fire is up it is yeah you can stand up now Sean they're all Claire oh cool yeah I've never seen people react to an emergency quite like that but thank you very much we've have been rehearsed oh I hadn't been here that little fire there could have gotten completely out of control yeah that doesn't to mean you got the race at the raves and that's a desert no no I'm not good yeah Tony that no I'm cancelling your policy goodbye oh by the way uh Happy New Year thank you nice you going I don't have any insurance all on this office here you better not cry you better [Music] [Applause] [Music] yeah yeah okay hey can't I can't go anymore I can't take anywhere I do that so - you've got to ah I can't who give up out here death becomes a nightmare voice you like having horrible huh it's horrible ah the desert heat comes swooping down on you like a relentless diamond gouges a chest skin enough skin and you blister you your eyes pop ah your hair swells to four times its natural size and you just collapse oh I hate sand in my clothes oh I gotta warn our troops will be hisses ha hang in there [Music] sitting here all us ah there's nothing here don't you see ignore it it's a desert play tricks with your eyes to ignore it this is simply a mirage are you kidding doesn't feel private that's simply a desert rock formation Formica everything table look see there's gum under that table [Music] I must be there I know your delirium captain don't let the desert play tricks haha don't that is not about what you think you see if you'd give in to this pretty soon you'll start hearing the desert calling to you take it easy that's impossible what do you call a private ah I beg you this is strictly a desert phenomenon this is the desert of the heat driving you crazy with a mirage now I know what you think you see there uh-huh you think you see a beautiful girl oh ha ha well it's not it's just a cactus [Music] [Laughter] that cactus is really put together ah zooming huh hey yeah captain I wear this in practice do you suppose that the Legion would approve of a mixed marriage what kind private I was thinking of a Protestant in a cactus such thing please come around don't detect you drive you crazy oh that's nothing it come around then come around right relief we'll be there soon well I'm sorry but uh I guess I won't be see in here you're just a cactus [Music] I don't see any activity out there so we'll have to fight that you look terrible ah you know worse often I thought you were here you better have a cap full of water no you better have something to drink huh I'll have a Tom Collins is here how about a cap full of water right okay fill her up yeah yeah here's a careful right here here you go no don't look away from it you can't it's time to fight it at the police I thank you Jesus yeah I'd rather have the okay that's it good that's good I'm gonna wash it down with this tom cop there's nothing here with a chariot baño you poke it up to a cold sweat something like this I'm gonna have to put you out of your misery okay oh no you're right it's all just a mirage that's not it that's our table that's just rock it and that thing innit are the big heels there with them just a cactus yeah I saw LeBron glad you snapped out of it I'm glad you stopped all these things happen the police will be here so just hang in there right I hope any sign of a legend yet captain not yet oh good good I'll up to the lips over the gums like a mirage here I come moving around with my wife your wife I don't know how I talk let me talk about this little later oh you don't have to I can see by the lipstick on your face oh god are you stay away from her or I'll bust your skull oh I'll break you in a little pieces do you understand yeah I want you understand [Music] yeah don't think so let's go meet them Claude yeah here we are let me take a look Holly I know troops off there sir that's just tactus let me see what's sure that's funny they look like our troops oh they're just cactus it just like this is a cactus private ah now I'm breaking out in the clothes sweat huh well it's coming here sir I better put you out of your [Music] Wow now he's gone honey I guess you and I can just sit here and talk for awhile say yeah free from [Music] Oh pops mom's I sold a song I finally sold a song Fox aren't you happy about it you bring us ease and geometry and geography if you want to make your mother and me happy look over there no dear don't take it out on spunky hey what's going on the finance company thinks they're entitled to our furniture just because we're behind the payment or tool is we're going to have to move out because we can't pay mortgage oh that's okay pops money don't you fret devout it'll suck you and I'll be making our comeback and vaudeville any day now no let's face it sweetheart we haven't worked in over 20 years oh listen pops and Flossie McGillicuddy perform again okay you'll see it hit it [Music] will be my chicken Feeny I will be your you will be my puppy wuppy [Music] and [Music] I tell you we're as good as we have to work mr. McGillicuddy it looks like it's from a New York theatrical agent I wrote our own agent in New York telling him to buca get lost your husband [Music] not too encouraging is it huh that's okay I'll take care of you wait I'll go into showbiz no show business for you son you belong in school I don't want to show biz to kick you around the way it's kick me around well we have no choice leather I have to pack up and move to the wrong side of the tracks I got a job as an elevator operator oh no pops not bad I got no time for silly small talk now Jody [Music] love thy neighbor my neighbor [Music] I wish my Oh [Music] nice nice [Music] he keeps his blind up is always wine his bed 20 [Music] but the guy next door but he can't leave me [Music] every hair [Music] I've seen it [Music] [Applause] very good his beard [Music] my [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh why do people have to be so darn me hey spunky how come you didn't want me home from school oh I had to stop by the music publishers and play my song for him they bought it hey Dad she don't sound very happy about it don't need him they're repossessing all of our furniture and we're being kicked out of our house oh gosh well listen spunky you can't let old man gloom get you down I mean when adversity pops his ugly head up while you're just kicking right in the pants why don't you play your song for me huh huh maybe you're right yeah piano on the porch [Music] I'm old enough to know what a girl is for [Music] we're old enough to know about my magical teeth don't we're still in our teens we know where to rumble seat me I know enough to know what your lips are for we've gone beyond the simple baby see where PA we're old enough to know I think we all [Music] happy you make people don't you realize the power you have so what it's not gonna get my folks on a hunk oh there are other ways to get people out hock could you help us please get his folks out of hock I've got an idea let's put on a show to set this whole town on us here oh isn't it wonderful honey you're gonna produce and direct and do a Broadway will be on Broadway and everything and all that you're saying starring oh but hey right now kids we've got to do a show right here in Pleasant corner oh how you gonna put on a show the only theater in town has burned down holy smokes you're right spiffy what can we put on our show [Music] why didn't I think of it before the barn is perfect but there aren't any seats and it's full of hay and chickens oh we haven't got it you just do it how old are you anyway spiffy eighteen okay now you see you've forgotten what it's like to be young in all of us the grown-ups are one absolutely detested defeatist we can do it right we can pull this show together right way our paintbrush and a broom a little elbow grease and it will do wonders for this place now go get some brains and we'll start sweeping and go get some fabric and needle and friend you start sewing and we got to put some seats out here iö and you go clean up the fight pit pit and you go oh boy [Music] guys are all nuts where you gonna get the money to put on a show with funky oh gosh darnit spiffy you're gonna be an old sad sack for the rest of your life go ahead back away from every challenge put your tail between your legs and where are we gonna get the money yeah he's got plenty of dough what about your dad EDD well I don't think my daddy will back to the show unless I can beat the storm what can you say no no kids what's our show gonna be about we'll do the history of mankind can you take it dish it out Dee Dee's gonna star in the show not you that's swell spunky oh you're the top oh and get those stairs bill pronto right boss all right all I have to do is buy your hair [Music] not the mush [Music] I don't care I want to talk directly to mr. Li hey mr. Lane and this is you mr. tudball here I want to make a complaint here oh hi yeah I bought the one that knows the new Japanese or hairpieces from you and I want to complain about that I don't know I think it was at the Yokohama Sportster right well it said there that if there was there supposed to be real a hair well I don't think it is I think it suggests the pieces of a thread well in the wintertime I get the dandruff and in the summertime I get the silkworms for me I could return them hey you busy bee this is your keeper speaking what are you trying to do in there come up with the thought this is Riggins logger mrs. Supergirl don't [Music] yeah watch the gun I've been there I'm ready to go to lunch like you're in the trance trying to contact the chili dog now I have the date for lunch and I was trying to think of a restaurant he could take me to well why don't you get a nice official launch that's supposed to be brain the food in New York that you'd have to order a whale [Music] Shaima to sacrifice Charlie the duty for Wiggy de Looney [Applause] don't you get the nice decide the portion of the poor pie horrify isn't that olive oyl's boyfriend I don't you and your date just today dick you mean they got the date so what happened to your des husband we split up a couple of weeks ago mm-hmm that's a shame what happened did you have an argument over the theory of relativity I just decided it would be better for us if I didn't see him or even speak to him for a month mm-hmm some guys have all the luck and I just hope you know what you're doing oh sure I do I file my nails lots of times where did you meet the dis party anyway there's a hardware store figures we're worried in the nuts and the bolts a section I was in appliances I was looking for a new kitchen clock Monstar you shouldn't have it looked at it [Music] sneaking that big clock it's not the quite the time to go to lunch here yes we got some time so before you go on that we're really waiting to lunch why the tradition gets to market down here okay I could sharpen some pencils we got the 15 minutes maybe you can get to at least the one of them [Music] [Music] [Applause] like an aerial view of the Black Sea [Music] yes Arnold I told you not to pick me up until noon you're too early oh I'm sorry darling forgive me I just couldn't wait any longer to be by your side to see your beautiful eyes I've been waiting outside since 10:30 all right I'll go please now I have a lot of work to do I have these pencils to sharpen go away go outside and come back at noon okay you know noon that's when the little hand and the big hand are both pointing straight up like straight up oh my darling you are so funny please don't make me go away I won't be in the way at all it's awfully cold out in the hall I promise I won't be a nuisance well you cross your heart and hope to die there you go again darling you are so funny all right you can stay but just stand in the corner oh thank you darling may I please oh I'm sorry I Cleopatra about the ruin you barge into the office here [Music] that's for your date yeah I know oh he's a pretty and I should look in the guy yeah he's okay okay I'd like to borrow that head and go to the beach here for a couple hours I'll tell you well how are you gonna get in there work it done there with old octopus arms all over you like that and just won't go home you don't just tell a guy like that to leave when they get the big palooka like that you got to really know how to handle him you should toss him right out on it oh thank you well you two sure make a nice a couple I hope excuse me sir if you don't take your arm off her shoulder I'm gonna take your arm off your shoulder [Music] ah yes sir well it's almost lunchtime why don't you two just around along and go to life oh well that's awfully nice of you who could use the extra time we're having lunch on my yacht and your yacht I thought you worked in the hardware store well no not exactly I I Oh Linette you see yeah in fact I own a chain of them 120 of them I don't want to have lunch on any old boat boats make me sick I want to have lunch at the chili schnitzel torch diving anything you want my chauffeur will drive us okay that's okay cuz after a hot dog my dogs are just too tired to walk I'm too tired to walk oh darling you are so funny I'll go wash up Arnold I'll count the seconds just look at that figure I've never seen anything quite like it evidently you didn't see the movie the Hindenburg Arnold that well don't you just they said that down here for a minute there maybe we can then thank you as for dead she went away got here yeah no that's a nicer suit you got on there I don't care what thank you thank you what's that made out the crabgrass can the fuse here Arnold you see mrs. Oh Wiggins has worked for me for all of us to two years yes well it's been too long in two years I met her when I was in the hospital as you might know she was in there for some of my brain Tess I think they finally just gave her a loaner damn I've been with her five days a week eight hours a day except of course deferred the holidays you don't have to say anymore you want to know what a wonderful beautiful girl like bun-buns possibly see this wobbling you're not even in the same ballpark Arnold I don't know the answer I only know that my life was not complete until I met that beautiful hunk of woman we're talking about the same a hunk pardon me um what I'm trying to say is have you ever been the married oh yes many times my last wife was Sophie LaRue you know the actress you mean the boom boom LaRue yeah oh yeah she's a song the girls he been compiling to be in Japan I know I got to death calendar of her the one with that the picture of her on there boy that is a good one there yeah I remember she's there just to hold another little poodle dog up in the Wonder Dam does that dog get trained or did he just have a natural smile [Music] no trading wiggins in there though or your wife that's like a trading a fur coat of horror Fonzie t-shirt wow this is so agency that's a telephone hurry you hear that right not to tie that up too long hello yeah yeah yeah yeah well I want to talk to mr. tudball goes down the corner I was my husband he wants to get back together what's the matter somebody hit him in the head [Music] you know would you do me a favor would you tell Arnold that our relationship is over and I'm not gonna have lunch with him well tell him yourself no my husband doesn't want me to talk to strange men anybody would thank you out the lunch would fall into that category that's all I can tell in the King Kong to let the go of his retreat oh hello Arnold why don't you come back in here we have a news update - for you Dallas Arnold this is something that I think I better tell you eyeball it to eyeball me and missus awakens here I don't want to see you no more oh no you can't be serious I can't go on without you I just a minute Arnold there are other fish in the sea you know are you kidding what fish could compare to this you can start the with the largemouth bass lonely empty hours without you I've been cast adrift in the sea of loneliness say something to ease my pain of this party Arnold that's the way the cookie crumbles there you go again the cookie crumbles you're so funny [Music] no absolutely no now will you knock it off and leave me alone there's nothing left for me anymore I've lost the one thing that comes but once in a lifetime if this mr. Nelson's office man oh that's it down the floor oh thanks I never know what floor I'm on what floor I'm on ha ha now that's funny wait for me I'll go with you say bun bun do you like fish food well hot lips it looks like you blew your lunch a date I'm going to drive down to the jack-in-the-box myself you can come along and help me if you want to help you how I needed somebody who can talk it through the clown [Music] [Applause] here you might as well lockdown huh minute I thought you had dandruff but it looks like silkworms and lock that the off gets my hat [Music] not yet dummy [Music] [Applause] [Music] hi made it just in time we're on in ten seconds honey don't you honey me buster [Applause] good evening and welcome to up-to-the-minute news with America's favorite anchor couple the mr. and mrs. of TV news casting Steve and Linda Bradshaw from the mountains to the prairies to the oceans white with foam a gracious good evening that a big communication of a breakdown at the phone company is tonight's top story a spokesperson for the company has stated as soon as I find out what is causing our problem I can better determine how to solve it good dad thank you Steve I have no intention of discussing the matter at this time stated Senate investigator Ralph Jason I will do whatever is necessary to see that the filthy liar gets what he deserves storm warnings and an icy front and those sailing into choppy waters are advised to use extreme caution stick it in your ear this year's theme at the hearing aid manufacturer and sponsoring free hearing test to make the public more aware of all the things that been going on behind their backs for much too long in court today immoral conduct charges against councilman Peterson were dropped due to insufficient evidence support the accusations made back to you Linda thank you Steve national secretary week has started and all over the nation secretaries are being kept hopping from luncheon satisfied bosses shower them with gifts as a way of saying thanks for all those little extras they perform all year long any comment on that Steve I always say there's nothing like a good secretary to keep a man's affairs in order [Music] is love me what divorce rates are up 18% five percent increase over last year's been attributed to unfaithful middle-aged husbands who are insecure about their masculinity Steve I'm just as good as I ever was I'm just as good as I ever was proclaimed sixty-year-old rocky gravel on OLX Olympic weightlifting champ to celebrate his birthday gravel on oppressed 650 pounds proving that a man is as virile as he is allowed to be [Music] there was a lot of hot air around the annual upstate balloon races were held the festivities got off to a hopeful start but failed miserably when poor air circulation forced many to land due to loss of momentum holes in your court nasty psychologists at Northwestern University have determined that aggressive women who insist on competing for men's jobs tend to suffer from an acute lack of femininity grace wit and general loss of sex appeal a scandal that could ruin a career rocked Hollywood today an actress Buffy star announced that she was suing her longtime husband for divorce her hired detectives uncovered a hotbed of information that could lay waste to an otherwise impeccable reputation she was quoted as saying I will stop at nothing to make sure he never works in this town again guilty on all charges was the plea Taylor city planner indicted for conflict of interests today as City Hall the truly remorseful Taylor threw himself on the mercy of the court screaming I swear I'll never do that again Linda come home darling all is forgiven reads the message on a prominent billboard in the downtown area the man who ran the ad and he offers a new meat coat and a diamond ring his estranged wife is proof of his sincerity that really is hard to resist all your demands will be met said management workers strike was settled today well Linda that's all I've got that concludes this season evenings news please stay tuned later this evening when I'll be hosting for housewives only tonight's topic will be infidelity making his guilt your game this is Steve and then Bradshaw wishing you a triumph that's good evening [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] tow away zone can you imagine pocket a getaway car natal [Laughter] when two girls live with one guy mom can't spend the night but it is my bed and I'm going back I'm going to undress I'm gonna climb into my bed if anybody else is in there that's her problem and you're not stopping me either an hour of comedy Three's Company right after Barney Miller beginning next year on ABC action and adventure on Sunday it's the Hardy Boys to the rescue hood a rockstars life is threatened Rick Nelson guest stars followed by a special two-hour showing of the return of Bigfoot on the Six Million Dollar Man for Sunday starting at 7 6 central mountain Oscar night the Academy Awards Monday at 10:00 9:00 central 8 mountain on ABC Friday a special to our future cop has the top secret Android after a would-be bomber a walking time bomb listen Ernest Borgnine and John Amos are amazed by the world's first computerized cop future cop tomorrow on ABC people liked our warm human reporting so much we knew

Channel: W Mackey

Views: 1,085,234

Rating: 4.6585145 out of 5

Keywords: Mrs. Wiggins, Mr. Tudball

Id: _8uI2CzQzAI

Length: 60min 13sec (3613 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 16 2018