Building Trust

well choice greetings to all of our Facebook friends it is good to have you with us on this very awesome Sunday morning and not only that we've got an awesome topic that we've been dealing with for the past couple of weeks and this is my beautiful wife I'm dr. Cindy trim Tomlinson I want to thank you for tuning in today is gonna be exceptional so make sure you call your family your friends especially with this topic that we're about to introduce to you thank you for joining us and we've been dealing with relationships and relationships in crises to be specific and the thing that we want to do right now is deal with one of the most important topics I call it the cornerstone of every relationship and that's trust absolutely so we're gonna talk about building trust and we're gonna get right into it thank you all for coming on thank you all for being a part but I want to give you at first my take on trust okay and and but it basically what it basically is now this is my part and and what I see about it so trust initially is an investment into the relationship and as time goes on it builds interests and that's what happens when we understand how we are to go about Trustee you don't initially just put all of your trust out there when it comes to a relationship it could be a marriage it could be a friendship it could be a working relationship on the job it could be a business relationship but the initial the cornerstone that every great relationship is built on it's called trust yes that's the sticky glue that's the stick that's the thing that keeps it all together yeah well what I'm gonna find out because I'm gonna interview a little bit I'm gonna join it in conversation but I'm gonna interview a little bit and we're gonna tell people how we learn to trust each other and our short gone on three years of marriage and it's working really good because there's some things that I understand about myself when it comes to and then what I understand about me it translates into you trusting me and we'll get into that a little bit later and vice-versa and vice-versa yeah so I want you to to gather everybody around that's a part of this because if you do not have a relationship based on trust it's not a strong relationship at all well let's look at our our relationship with God and it clearly says in the book of Proverbs out three and five trust in the Lord lean not to that understanding but in all of your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path now our trust in God is of the utmost importance but then after that relationship I have to ask myself this question I'm looking for someone to trust in me but the issue is can I trust myself it always starts with me I always make sure that I ask myself am i a trustworthy person and if I am a trustworthy person I am better I'm able now to pick up whether or not and discern trust in others it's very important yeah that's it um I think trust if you build trust and you could study this it starts it's like building a pyramid the base of the pyramid has to do with shared values mm-hmm and I thought about it make sure I value yeah I like that I thought about it based on a conversation we had last night mm-hmm and what I was listening to was your values it wasn't it wasn't even a circumstance or scenario that I was listening to even though that was interesting mm-hmm but it was your values I listened to my mother and I hear her values yeah when you listen I think trust the foundation the based of trust is shared values because sometimes we go in into a relationship with expectations yeah of a person and those expectations are not their values yeah and you you laid the foundation trust in the Lord and lead not to your own understanding and what you're saying what you're saying about that or what the Bible's saying is he's reliable exactly he's reliable you could count on him his words whatever he has spoken he is going to under-promise over-deliver you know these you trust god yeah because he has and this is the second one integrity yes so number one do we understand what God values and he values his word and so that's integrity that that's the second part of the pyramid so you lay the second part that's integrity the third to me and I wrote it down is concerned for others or empathy so you start with share very values integrity empathy and then the next one is competency ok competency because there's a lot of people that make promises that they cannot keep yeah because they're there they dirt and they don't have the competence and therefore if you don't have the competence you can't rely on that person but most importantly you you you cannot respect or honor that person that's because they don't they don't have the competency and then the fifth is accountability that's that that's the next level yeah and then the final one is the giving of your soul yeah because if we're talking about marriage you want to give your soul to someone for safekeeping and you know that's where you're sharing your ideas and you know you're not going to be rejected you're sharing your thoughts you're sharing your feelings you're sharing your dreams and that person is going to keep that for safekeeping yeah and encourage you at that level so that you become the best version of yourself and a lot of relationships never get to that point Wow and that's a sad state of affairs because that means that if there is no trust the relationship is just going to deteriorate over a period of time but you said a few things that I'm gonna have to go back in and cover on that list but but but here's is one of the things that I also want to add to what we're talking about you know Trust brings about expectation and and I know what to expect based on the level that I can trust the person now there comes a time when we don't know the whole story about who everybody is and what everybody is about but after a wild in relationship what you'll run into is what we call reality hmm you know we got this idea of well you know I'm trusting you based on my level of trust I'm expecting certain things to you but as time goes on and and trust or the lack thereof begins to play out now what has happened expectation meets reality and that's where now we know to the degree how much we can trust someone and then at that point now you know what it is you need to build by a way of trust now let's go back to our dating time because that's when we started building trust as far as this relationship is concerned and so give me some idea of you know you're sitting across the table observing me we're talking about what we would look like together what our issues would be you know can I beat how did you know that you can even trust me well I'm kind of an intellect and I approach things scientifically so it's got to make sense from me yeah the first thing was not to assume that just because we were both Christians that we had the same the same shared value that's right so III think assumption has destroyed most relationships you assume because a person that has the same Christian faith that they have the same value and that's not true yeah oh and a lot of it is upbringing what we had to face how we problem-solve yeah there are different kinds of strategies that we've developed life strategies that we've developed over the years and that sort of forms our our values our core value that's right and you see it over and over again I hear it when people say to someone else I thought they were a Christian what they were simply saying is if you're a Christian here's your values here's your life strategies here's how I'm expecting you to deal with business how I'm expecting you to deal in business not just with business going back to the conversation last night yeah you know you have a value that the other person didn't have mm-hmm and you expected them to handle a certain circumstance the same way but you're talking about two different values so with you and I it took a lot of conversation yeah and a lot of digging and a lot of listening I think we don't listen we we we listen from the perspective of a dream and not a reality yeah and we're still having we're still having conversation so we're continuing to build the trust factor I think also another issue is sometimes we also assume that because we've known people or person over a certain amount of time that we relax this trust building issue I think trust must continue to be built well into the relationship I mean the greater the trust the more you have a surer expectation of who it is you're living with and if who it is you are dealing with and so we're going to really have to deal with now the deep issues of trust because I guarantee you there are some people that's listening right now there's somebody that they thought they could trust their trust has been violated and now it's probably hard to trust in the relationship or maybe you've moved on to another relationship and the trust factor is still a struggle which you give people some insight on how do you overcome after Trust has been violated oh my gosh when it comes to someone making promises that they don't keep someone who misrepresents the truth or doesn't tell the total truth and you find out Trust is going to be violated it's like taking a nail and hammering it into a wooden door and you you pull that nail out what you've got you still got the door but you've got a hole in the door and you could plug it up and you could paint it so that other people don't see it but that relationship it will never be the same however you can build from that place you can say okay we know that there's this hole that's there mm-hmm where a trust had been violated but do you have enough foundation in that relationship yeah to build from that place and it depends on it really depends on your values I value honesty I value integrity tell me the truth so that I know what to do with that right and give me an opportunity at least to respond but when you don't have the truth and when you don't have integrity then you don't you can never really have trust because it's like communicating with an avatar that's not really the person who you're communicating with and I think I think when it comes to even lying that's important people lie because they're afraid of the fallout so perfect love casts out all fear so you have to ask the question do you really love that person or does that person really love you and again Trust is that sticky glue that holds it together so going back to the whole idea of shared values yeah you have to establish that at the beginning of the relationship and I wish that a lot of people that are listening had that in marriage counseling or if you had marriage counseling that would be one of the first things that you would ask so let's I really want to talk about what that feels like sure okay so going back to the whole idea of shared value you have to talk about roles duos the roles as a husband and a wife what do you what what are your expectations of me then I have to agree on that so you can't show up two years in the marriage expect to me to be something that we didn't agree on at the beginning of the marriage exact because then there's disappointment whether it's with your wife or with your husband you've got the whole idea of disappointment then if I'm disappointed I'm disappointed because an expectation wasn't met ah but did you communicate that yeah did you tell me you can shift midstream right you know you can't go into we have a non-traditional marriage it's traditional in the sense that all of the elements are there yeah but non-traditional in the sense that were both leaders right right we're both leaders I'm I'm a leader your leader were both leaders we both have our ministries we both have our businesses that's right so that makes it a relationship that really you rely on conversation you have to talk and then you have to ask questions I think it's the power of the questions yeah what do you mean when you say cuz I need to ask context it's not content its context right and where's that coming from so I want to go back through the steps and we could talk one by one short shared values yeah that means I understand you you understand me shared values the second one is integrity i esteem you you were staying me right then the third one is empathy empathy I'm walking a mile in your shoes I you know I identified yeah and then the fourth one is reliability and competence yeah that's how you build respect yeah for one another mm-hmm accountability there's a lot of people that is I like this let's stop that accountability because I'm probably gonna work from the bottom back up mm-hmm but the issue is this once a person commits a marriage relationship once you're committed to that relationship one of the major keys to building trust is accountability you know if I walk out the door and my wife says to me where are you going I can't turn around and tell her I'm grown you know like you don't even know where I'm going I'm going I'll be back when I know what I'm doing I'm actually violating trust to a great degree if it all say if if if I don't tell you well I'm going down here I'm gonna do doesn't so and some some guys and girls get offended at that because they're not they're not fully aware of the fact that it's almost like you're you know why can't I know are you what are you what are you hiding it's it becomes very suspicious when we can't be accountable to each other and when people get offended at being accountable then you know that there's something an issue a trust issue yeah that needs to be dealt with yeah and and you know the whole idea of being open is important you even way before you share your soul and your dreams and your thoughts and your ideas Trust is is gradual it is because you first start with sharing thoughts right right you share thoughts that's the that's the easiest that's the simplest mm-hmm and then you start working your way down to the deeper things exactly exactly not only is is trust gradual but it's gradual over the entire time of the relationship you know another thing that I constantly tell when we counsel married couples I constantly tell them listen there may be times of conflict in the relationship there may be times of disagreement one of the things that men tend to do is that we tend to get in a heated discussion and it's always interesting that generally men need to leave the house take a drive take a walk so and so forth now here's what people may not understand about that kind of that kind of behavior once a man starts leaving every time there's some type of disagreement they are actually practicing separation without knowing it well I'm gonna just go down to the corner I'm gonna go pick up something from the store I just need to get out of here and and and here's what is going on inside of that woman's mind your wife is thinking well what would happen if he didn't come back cuz every time we get into some type of heated discussion or maybe even a disagreement he has to take off and take a walk or take a drive where is he going what is he doing well you know to a guy you may be cooling off but to your wife something has gone on whereby you need to be in the house you can go to a different room you can go to your garage work on a project and go in your backyard but we can't always practice leaving every time things get heated because you're building up this idea that what can happen down the road is one day you could possibly leave and never come back again and you know that happens when you know there's not an understanding of a person yeah people are trying to process words when they should be processing the person mmm and that goes all the way back to the foundation of trust okay and and and that's built on shared values yeah what does your spouse value mm-hm and if you've never had that discussion at that level and it's an intellectual discussion - is not an emotional discussion it's an intellectual discussion so when there's arguments and heavy debate it's you're not arguing over something a person did right you're usually arguing over the base of the relationship and that is what a person values and I've seen it over and over again that's a good what do you value yeah and arguments explode because there's no shared value that's there and then there's no understanding of what a person values well it could be I value someone listening to me and being listened to you not as a patient not as a client but as a person a person with feelings a person with dreams but if you've never been able to share that you want you want to get to the top of that pyramid mm-hmm where you're actually sharing souls with one you you're giving your soul to a person for safekeeping right and that's where you get into the soul mate you know you're my soul mate you know me you know my strengths you know my weaknesses but you still love me you still respect me you still esteem me yeah and you know it's trusting a person with your strength is one thing mm-hmm but trusting them with your weakness is another yeah when you have a soul mate one complements the other yeah you cannot get to the top of this pyramid which is the six things that we talked about unless you know yourself you've got it you you you've got to do the work is going back into our last discussion yeah you know self care self care yeah so when you talk about self esteem self care self-worth all of those things yeah it starts with self so you've got to do the work on yourself but both of you have to agree on it exact you know look I'm gonna work on myself and then here's the beautiful beautiful part about relationships you attract to yourself who you are so we talk a lot oh you're a lot like me which is true yeah you know you're a lot you know we're not talking about in terms of personalities we both have two different personalities I'm pure fire gentle rain gentle rain yeah really refreshing rain and I'm fire and we compliment one another absolutely but we have a lot alike in terms of what we value we value order we value cleanliness value peace you know we value peace we we value respect so we we have a lot of shared values and so we value space yeah so you know you're not sitting on top of me I'm not sitting on top of you that's right you know we value one another's and respect one another's personal space yeah and even you know asking permission can I enter your special your personal space you know I think respect comes so we have shared values that's right and you attract who you are so if you do the work on your life then then whoever you're with or whether it's a family member a friend whether it is an employer/employee or your love interest you've got to get down and drill down with that person and it takes a lot of conversation yeah let it starts with let me understand you let it's not about understand me it's I want to understand you yeah and that's what it should be that's where you start right there I want to understand you what makes you tick mm-hmm what makes you happy what makes you sad I can't make you happy I can't make you sad but I can kind of contribute to it that's right right and and I don't wanna I don't want to contribute to your sadness if I know that this is not something that you value or this is going to be something that ticks you off absolutely the other thing is this we talked about self-care last week it's always applicable in every conversation and and what I've got to do is first of all can I trust me Who am I what I'm not with you Who am I when when I'm not in your presence when you know am i this same person now when as if when I am away from you and and what I'm doing is investing trust in myself now I can easily discern trust if I learn how to practice it with me alone a lot of times we have an issue trusting because we're not always trustworthy alone you know I travel you know we see hotels you know you travel I travel you know we are in different spaces and different places from time to time if I'm if I met a hotel alone and if you ever go to a hotel if the fellows know and the ladies know that there's always the opportunity to view things on television that you are not view like pornography and if I'm watching pornography behind closed doors then what that's going to do is tell me that I can't be trusted and now that if I can't be trusted I'm gonna find it difficult to trust the person that is closest then you get into blaming there you go usually you're blaming from your reality and so I I it's a blame game you know if you're lying you think the other person is lying if you're cheating you think the other person is cheating that's what I want to go back to something that you said which is very important you talked about - what can I trust yourself yeah can I trust myself so the worst deception is self-deception and here's where the heavy work comes do I trust myself what does self trust look like it looks like do I keep my word to myself so if I say I'm going to do this do I do it I'm going to phone phone so-and-so do I do it I'm going to read five chapters of a book a day do I do it I'm going to exercise every day do I do it my promise to my I walk 10,000 steps every day my husband will tell you that if it's at nine thousand three hundred and I'm ready for bed I'm gonna walk around the house to get the other seven hundred steps it starts with simple things you could start with simple things if you make a promise to yourself ask yourself the question do I keep promises to myself because if you will betray yourself you'll betray you'll betray everybody else so let's just start with something simple if you're going on a diet and you say for the next couple of months I'm not going to eat sweets don't eat sweets because if you if you will betray yourself you're going to betray others if you say I'm gonna read a book and I'm gonna read four pages a day read four it pages a day you can start with building personal integrity which is the foundation of trust you build personal integrity yeah by keeping your word to yourself yeah and you know my my husband calls me I call myself a recovering workout haha yeah work yeah a workaholic I'm a recovering workaholic but you know I make promises to myself and I keep them so that means that if I keep it for myself you can easier to keep it to you that's why I took you before you and you know some people say oh you don't have to do that yes I do why because that was my word so promises listen under-promise over-deliver that's it this is a part of trusting if you want to build trust that's it don't promise if you're not able to do it and if you make a promise if it kills you do it unless you renegotiate with a person if you make a promise and people do it to God so if they do what we got if they'll do it with God they're gonna do it with the people that are around them so my personal relationship with God is everything and that's off-limits to everybody so likewise with my relationship with my husband my relationship with my husband is off-limits to everybody so I don't discuss my business with my family that belongs with my husband so I don't have a third person here's the caveat I don't do trios with anybody I do duets there you go so my relationship with you is my relationship with you and likewise likewise with our daughters I I my relationship with Alisha's my relationship with Alicia my relationship with Lakia is my relationship with Lakia my relationship with Stephanie is my relationship with Stephanie and my relationship with my mother is my relationship with my mother my relationship with Frieda is my relationship with Frieda my relationship with Marilyn and so on and so forth is my relationship and I don't allow a third person in that relationship and a lot of people when it comes to marriages they have too many people involved in their relationship they've got the children who are making comments they're best friends who are making comments they've got their cousins their parents their sisters their siblings and before you know it the relationship has corroded because we have allowed other people in and you can see it in the book of Genesis the relationship that Adam had with Eve was perfect when it was just them and God but as soon as that third voice came into it destroyed the relationship that they had with God and they destroyed the relationship that they had with one another get people out of your relationship your best friend and get them out your family get them out yeah unless your relationship is characterized by verbal or physical abuse then you get other people involved but if there's no verbal no physical abuse then it should be a conversation that the two of you are having with one another and that's where the trust is because if I if I'm trying to solve my problems and I thank God we don't have problems but if I was attempting to sell my problem outside of this relationship yeah then I have someone else's opinion about how our relationship should run yeah and and it's not ours so if you have a healthy relationship with a healthy person to get to the top that six part of the relationship and that's when you give your soul for the safekeeping of one another and and and and and that's when you say I'm gonna be there for you that six part yeah I'm gonna be there it starts with I understand you I esteem you and then I respect you I trust you and then finally you can trust me there you go there you go you know one of the things that I've discovered about about trusting and building trust in myself is this as a as a believer as a Christian we have something called the spirit of discernment I discern others better when I begin with me I'm actually building on that gift as I understand how to be trustworthy in and of myself a lot of times there are things that we can pick up about people especially if it's a it's a romantic situation there are things that people can pick up right away but because of the romance that's involved sometimes you know they tend to ignore what they see and think that you know as the relationship grows things will eventually work out get better and they will change only to discover that over a period of time that issue was never talked about it was never dealt with say you know somebody and they have a very very bad temper well if you see that at the beginning stages you know that you can't necessarily trust them in the area of their temper and so once things are in order to begin to establish trust in that area you've got to be able to address issues like that from the initial stages of it and not wait until your your emotions are totally invested in the relationship because now you're setting yourself up for a big time disappointment so I'm gonna go back to me I'm gonna build myself up in trust I'm gonna keep my word to myself first and as I build trust in me as I can be if as I can be trusted when I am all alone by myself what I think about myself what what are my activities making sure that I'm not hiding you know because when you get into the hiding situation you're already positioning yourself that trust is going to be an issue and I called trust the cornerstone of the relationship you know we called Jesus the cornerstone the Bible calls him he is our cornerstone and that word cornerstone of construction engineers would understand that everything is tied into that cornerstone and in the natural relationship as well as the spiritual it's simply called trust and that trust issue has to be dealt with very pointedly very specifically don't overlook things in the relationship once you pick up something once you see something that thing needs to be addressed especially if you're talking about spending the rest of your life with someone you you want to make the right choice now here's an issue that I think we're going to need to look at in depth and that is what happens if a person does overlook these things makes bad choices in the relationship and then they're struggling to trust down the road as the relationship continues that's one of the things that a lot of people do some people say well you know what this time goes on they're gonna get better I'm gonna help them to change and the truth is we don't have the power to change anybody the only power I've got as far as change is concerned is I can change me my attitude but I can't change you so in order for me to attract what it is I want from you I've got the first make sure yeah that I'm doing the very thing yeah like trust in me yeah before I have to get trust from you and the other thing too I think it's important is what are you trusting when we talk about trusting are you talking about being able to trust a person's word are you able to trust them with your secrets are you able to trust that person with yourself yes are you able to trust them that they're gonna respect you when you talk about trust is such a broad topic hmm you know and you have to work at one area at a time and then the other thing is we're gonna grow in the relationship that's right so who I was five years ago I'm not that person who I was three years ago I'm not that person today and so there are some people that want you like they found you yeah they want you to remain the person that you were when they met you but we're each growing can you communicate where you are now that's important can you three years ago this is what I need it today this is what I need are you able to articulate that do you know what you need do you know what you need from that person do you know what you're prepared to give and how much of yourself you're prepared to give how much are you prepared to invest because relationships is all about investment you're investing time energy your thoughts your emotions and then finally let's look at the ability to accommodate you yeah does that person have capacity for what you're giving them there are some people's you you're trying to give them a bucket full but they can only handle a thimbleful so you know you you want to make sure in a relationship in that relationship they can handle everything that you want to give em and and and vice versa and sometimes you at the beginning of a relationship you got a spoon feed yeah you just can't bring it bring the whole label label ladle and give them this huge big spoonful start with a teaspoon full and then systematically work to see how they respond that's gonna and work on the next and the next and you grow and you talk about it but you you you don't go into a relationship just like Niagara Falls because people will run and they're gonna be afraid I just want to be honest that's all let me just sip on this relationship for a moment yeah let me sip and settle and for some people it takes a little while to to build trust at the level of the giving of the soul the other thing is which is very important never carry over stuff from an old relationship so if you if you've been hurt if you've been wounded and you're in a new relationship you've got to put a hard stop do not talk about what the other person did and expect this person to pay for it yeah absolutely you know if you're in your second relationship or your third relationship your second marriage or your third marriage do not make your next relationship responsible or your next relationship with that person don't make that person responsible yeah for stuff that did not have anything to do with them before you met them I say BC and AD oh you know okay so before this relationship and after the first date there you go you know so you make a hard stop and then you deal with that person based on what they're showing you and what they're giving you but don't carry over stuff from an old relationship don't do that your old boyfriend your old husband your old wife all women are the same all women are not the same all men are the same all men are not the same everybody's unique and if you would take the time with your wife and take the time with your husband to discover this unique relationship that you're developing with one another you've never had this relationship before it's fresh do not carry stuff over into the relationship I see your hearts I see your thumbs up keep them coming but don't don't don't do that and then some of us grew up in very dysfunctional homes yeah well you know and we carry that into the relationship absolutely and that's what we call baggage mm-hmm now the issue with wood baggage is this this is where you begin to build self trust because whatever you grew up in whatever your background issues were all of this is where you begin to work on yourself here's what I've discovered if I want you to fully completely trust me that I've got to come to a place where I fully completely trust myself if I want all all of you I've got to learn to have full trust in me you know this is the this is the great secret I believe that that every relationship must come into a reality about because when you're walking around and there is in the relationship and there is no trust factor there most likely you're struggling with something in yourself you know when we are accusing each other of things that aren't even a reality there's usually something going on at the inside and and that that means that you got to do work on authenticity I want to give you some things that you can do to trust in your relationship number one start with heart conversation part H e AR T hard conversations yeah and try to communicate your values what you value number two then work with hard conversation H AR D those hard things it's hard for you to communicate it's hard for you to deal with and you can do that little by little arms until you're able to trust a person yes thirdly with a husband and wife hold hands hold hands connect with one another physically cuddle touch one another and touch one another for more than just turning one another on touch one another just to affirm I see you I love you yeah I respect you I honor you I want you I you know I esteem you you matter to me I just want you to know that I'm here I'm with you just just touching and you do that throughout the day and and cuddle cuddle for more than just intimate relationships having an intimate moment with your your husband so so you do that then make a date with that person find out what that person likes and then once a week have a date with doing that one thing that they like you know you may not like it but they like it and then really practice their love language because they're gonna feel loved they're gonna feel esteem yes you know write messages stay open and be totally if they say something or do something you don't like tell them babe I don't like that and then tell them why don't just say I don't tell them why and if you need more of something from you from them tell them I need more of this from you yeah I'm not getting enough of this from you yeah and then if you don't feel understood just say look I don't feel understood or when you do so-and-so I feel this way on your own your emotions own your feelings and then take 100% responsibility for your actions and for your feelings and for your emotions 100% responsibility that's good because here's what I've discovered feelings if they are discussed they could be true they could be false mm-hmm but eventually feelings under discussion when you talk things out can turn into facts it's easier to deal with facts than trying to deal with just how a person feels I could feel one way but it may not be the fact of the matter and then through our conversation once we get to the facts now we're dealing with real substance and we know where a person is where they stand and the trust factor is being built because we're dealing with facts now and not simply emotions emotions are part of it and emotions and feelings stem back to the foundation of trust that's right and that's belief that's right yeah you know these are your shared values so your feelings are going to point you to shared values or values what you value so when your emotions or feelings are bubbling up to the surface then you could trace all that back to the fact and the fact is this is what I value mm-hmm you know exact concerning the circumstance it may be the facts concerning what you value and we we've never done a values assessment you need to do a values assessment in your relationship you know how do you go about doing them okay so you sit with one another and you get a blank piece of paper mm-hmm and you could Google values any I mean you know you can get anything on the Internet Google values that's what you do Google it and it will give you a list of values work ethics honesty accountability giving you no acts of kindness these are just some of the values there's a whole list hundreds of values then you identify say 12 values yeah you go through the list of hundreds of values you could possibly have and then you go down and say out of these 100 values here that my top 12 yes here's my top 12 because you'll see it in statements that people make when when I when I come to people and they're hurt about something someone did or said I'll always scale it back to values you know and I always say look this is your value obviously that person doesn't have the shared value it doesn't mean that their bet a bad person but this is not on the top of their value list for instance my mother I'll give you an example when the children command and the grandchildren come in the first thing they've got to do is say good afternoon Nene good morning Nene hello Nene why because when you address her you respect her so when she says these children she simply mean meaning that they do not value the adults they do not respect an adult so my mother values what respect and how is that displayed when you walk in the room you acknowledge that she's there to ignore that she's there by not saying good morning Nene good afternoon Nene means that you disrespect her so you know being able to listen to your spouse or listen to a person and listen for their values when they say oh you know he did so-and-so or she did so and so and that tipped me off well it's not being ticked off that you're listening to your it's not being angry that you need to solve and you need to go all the way back to be able to say Oh they disrespected them and that's what you talk about that's where you're gonna that's where you're gonna have the conversation you know you know when they said so and so how did that make you feel yeah now you're not staying at the feelings you're not trying to solve feelings feelings come and go you're drilling down so that you can identify what they value so going back to you and your husband Google values once you Google values create a list babe this is what I value and you'll find out there are some things that you have in common and some things you may not have in common exactly then you have start your conversation right there and if you start your conversation right where you value you are building the element of trust into your relationship absolutely and you've got the foundation you need to build all of the other elements yeah yeah and Trust we talked about you talked about communication we talked about just getting together and just talking this is important when you know guys generally don't say as much as ladies do generally that's how it works somebody said gods will speak what twenty five thousand words a day maybe a little bit more the ladies will speak possibly 250 thousand one of the things and that we have to be careful of is that because we are guys we can't make the excuse that I just don't talk if you're gonna be in a relationship you've got to talk you can't get around talking and if you're in a relationship it's something that you want to learn to do if that relationship is going to be satisfying and you're gonna build trust in that relationship having a conversation goes along with marriage it goes along with business it goes along with friendship the greater the communication the stronger in trust that relationship is going to be so I have to I have to talk and you know that's something that I value is communication because it gives me greater insight greater understanding on how I can go about ministering to whatever need you may have once I know how to express myself and then I'm gonna listen to you it strengthens everything and it builds trust to such a degree that it removes a lot of tension from the relationship and conflicts and a lack of understanding when you want to understand someone then talk to it and as time goes on that conversation becomes deeper that conversations become it becomes more intimate and after a while if you ever learn to talk you know you go to a nursing home and I visited people that nursing on the line and I see a lot of guys in there old men now they're old men in too many cases they're all along and some of them can be some of the meanest and seventh the nastiest you know why because all along the way they never took time to express themselves they never actually took time to talk and now that they're all alone and now that there's nobody there in a lot of cases you know the only thing that's coming out of them is anger and regret and cursing and and just being plain nasty towards people because they were the guys that had an opportunity to express themselves talk have conversation and they never had it and now they're angry they're mean they're frustrated talk while you can don't wait until don't wait until nobody else is around that cause as long as there's as you're having conversation you are relieving yourself of all of the pressures and all of the tension and all of the suspicion and all of the unanswered questions you're gaining relief just as a result of being able to talk in your relationships across the board so what happens what happens if you have some a husband or wife that's a nun talker in my in I mean when I'm home I talk for my profession so I talked and I'm hired to talk but at home I'm somewhat reserved mm-hmm you know we have a lot in common that's right so communication is something that you have to commit to you have to commit to talking so how do you get your spouse whether it's a man or woman how do you get your spouse to begin to talk to you to share their thoughts to share their feelings to share their perspective if you're married to someone that is a nun talker find out firstly what they're interested in so if they're interested in sports or they're interested in ballet or they're interested in photography find out what they're interested in yeah and start the conversation there don't start with what you're interested in start with what they're interested in and ask questions and then once you ask questions listen and acts open-ended questions an open-ended question is different from a closed-ended a closed-ended question is did you have a good day the answer is gonna be either yes or no but what was the highlight of your day today babe that's a different kind of question that's one that's open that's right you know are you gonna be watching TV today yes what are you going to be watching today and that that you know that's oh that opens the kind of conversation that you want to have so acts more open-ended questions that requires more than a yes or no and you could do it with your children you could do it with your spouse but if you've had a heated argument you know give your your spouse room to think about it and then come back without the accusations own your emotions don't say you make me feel they don't make you feel anything just say when you say so and so I feel as if and then give them an opportunity to clarify and then what we practice is that the art of clarification exactly and then the art of what do you mean when you said this what are you what are you saying when you say this because a lot of times things are lost in translation you know I'm thinking one thing you could be thinking something else and when things are clarified you know it makes a big difference the other thing that happens is this when you internalize things and you don't you don't have conversation when you don't talk it's not good for your health and it's gonna build up oh it'll start building up you know why don't you learn the art of talking and communicating until it's exhausted the issue is exhausted without the accusation that takes time yeah yeah so so and then remember nothing has to be settled today it may take a couple of weeks a couple of months but give yourself the give your relationship the respect and the honor it needs to be able to say look we're going to be in this for eternity and we've got eternity to settle this exactly you know what we want to do is we want to be able to make sure that in the relationship Trust is being built as a result of both persons being able to convey their thoughts convey their feelings convey their minds that convey their hearts that's what really this is all about it's it's great to be able just to come home to a peaceful relationship I remember working with some people years ago and you know one guy just hated the clock out and go home we did our 8 hours and he hated to punch the and go home because there was more piece on the job then there was at his house and that's that is not how life ought to be my home my marriage my intimate relationships ought to be the most peaceful but it's going to take work there things that that I'm gonna have to do as far as my personal esteem is concerned things that you would have to do when we bring those things together good things begin to happen because we're doing the self work and then we are applying the knowledge to principles that we have from the Word of God you said something earlier and I totally I totally agree is that as individuals we have to understand how to go about making sure that individually we are whole people I'm not I can't really you can't relate to me if you're a whole and I'm broken and and vice versa we've got to be whole people and the wholeness doesn't come simply something that we give each other the wholeness is a result of my relationship with God he makes me whole he makes me healed I'm on he is he is I'm trusting him he's in stealing trust in me and now the trust that God and I share it translates into our really yes yes and that's the kind of relationship you want so there's a lot of things that you could pray about when it comes to trust number one you can begin to ask God to help you to keep your word to yourself to help you to understand your spouse yeah to help you to understand the context you can you can begin to pray that God will heal if you you have a riff in your relationship that God will be able to heal that riff heal that that disappointment and then ask God to give you the right timing as well as as the right words to approach that broken area in your relationship you could pray for that and then start praying for your spouse start praying for communication act God to bless your spouse ask God to make you a dream helper that that if your your your spouse has dreams ask God God give me the capacity to be a dream helper and then if there are areas where you know that only God can intervene but you you have agreed with you and your spouse you have this agreement that we're not going to divorce we're not but we're gonna work on our relationship take a deep breath exhale and let God intervene work at one area at a time don't try to work on everything decide okay babe we're gonna work on communication then we're gonna work one understanding one another's love language then we're gonna work on one another's values then we're gonna work on there are things that you can work on and then there are a lot of games that you could play with one another where you're asking questions have a date night there's card games that are out there so that you can axons in a safe in a safe place you're in a safe environment yeah and play those card games I know there's one game for marriages that you play and it's a box of cards where you ask one another questions and you covenant that you're going to give an honest answer so you know get to let's hit a hard reset on your relationships pray tonight pray with one another tonight it doesn't have to be a long prayer and women if you're a prayer warrior intercessor if all he gets out is one line except the one line don't turn your husband into something that is not you know if you have an intercessory group you know do the long prayers with your intercessory group but if your husband can get just one line out except that one line it'll grow in two to three but except that one sentence pray pray a simple prayer god were hitting a hard reset tonight and tomorrow we'll reset our relationship and then tomorrow starting on Monday decide your date night decide what you're going to do with whip during that date night and then play those card games and it's a game of honesty and the last thing I want to say is practice honesty practice truthfulness never lie even if it's uncomfortable never ever lie just say you know babe I feel uncomfortable sharing at this level you know and here's why always say why here's why and let me just start with this amount let me see if I can trust you with this and I get it because we all can't trust one another the hardest thing for me to do was to trust anybody with my heart I know that I could keep my own heart and keep my own soul I know I could keep my own soul but the hardest thing for me to do was to give my soul to anybody because I didn't trust anybody could care for that but I was able to communicate that with my husband and he was able to understand that so with all of you that out there figure out where your challenge is and then deal with one aspect a one problem area at a time don't try to fix everything and start with communicating what you value yeah and if you if you're able to communicate that be able to go to the second being able to if you make your prompt make a promise keep the promise and then being able to fully accept your your spouse's emotions and then take it straight to the next level where you'll be able to say no matter what I'll be there for you yeah and that's the pinnacle of trust absolutely I trust you with my heart you trust me with yours we worked all of those and my thoughts and and thoughts and emotions and emotions and yeah conversation and yes we're not necessarily emotional people but we have emotions and all of this is included in the marriage relationship and if God does it for us you can do it for you so here's what we here's what we'll wrap up with it's possible you talked about the card games you can actually play and do the hard work yeah in a relationship and things will come listen folks I want to close out with this make sure you keep spirituality all Christ in the center of the relationship I usually you know demonstrate it like this this is the husband here's the wife and here's Christ in the middle sorry for court that cannot be broken more than ever before there's going to have to be a very strong relying on the Spirit of God in these in these difficult times in order to hold relationships together and our you know my personal spiritual life your personal spiritual life those those are that's the glue right there it's not that you know we love each other so much only yeah we love each other but I can't trust the love that I simply feel in order to hold this to I've got to put my trust in God you put your trust in God we come together and then God turns this marriage into something that is just beautiful powerful self self-esteem valuable it's all learning affirming all of that it's all of that so keep your marriage under your spiritual covering who is Christ my last comments that I want to want to give you a very practical when we talk about trust you're talking about trusting someone emotionally trusting someone spiritually trusting someone financially trusting someone sexually trusting someone socially trusting someone relationally yeah trusting someone if you have children parentally trusting someone so you want to break trust up in those areas and then start working on them with your spouse where you know if you if you take a couple of months to be able to say babe let's just work on our emotions yeah I want to be able to trust you emotionally yeah you know that that I can rely on you and and then start that conversation start assessing am I able to trust them if not why and then converse with your spouse have a conversation you know with your spouse those of you that are dating start comfort conversing and and and talking about these elements before you get married start talking about your expectations and once you have that level of communication when you go into that marriage relationship you've already dealt with those things and then you can grow together you can and it's a beautiful thing when you have a trusting relationship it is a beautiful well you can rely on that person that person can rely on you and you know that they will hold you to the greatest expression of your personhood that is possible where you can rely on them as your Destiny's helper as your dream helper and help you also to build character for your future they can call you out on an inconsistency and you won't you won't be defensive because you know that that you they love you enough to not allow you to undermine your own brand your own character your own integrity your own that authenticity and your future success so when you have trust a person can say something and you know what is motivating it you know the intention of it you know what is driving them and that means that you can receive it without being insulted or without feeling fearful that they don't get you at the end of the day when you have trust you are also able to say they get me amen to that we're going to come back and we're going to continue I there's just so much that we can cover you and we can't cover it all in one session but we want to take time to first of all thank you all listen you want to hear this content continually well go on all social media pages give them the information on your social at Cyndi trim and of course Facebook is dr. Cindy trim and make sure that it has high high numbers they're gonna be over three hundred thousand four hundred thousand and if you have anyone that sends you with a hundred it is definitely an imposter Russell Tomlinson period you know Twitter Facebook Instagram my personal webpage Russell Tomlinson and that's it you can find me anywhere on social media hey and thank you all for your for your time thank you for your kind words thank you just for taking time to listen to us I'm gonna ask I'm gonna ask girl of my dreams to to pray and I want you to help them to just pray folk into trust are you sure uh we we want to say a special thank you to presents gathering church for your amazing support for giving your tithe your offering continuously I have to stop and acknowledge how much we love you how much we respect you were always a phone call away we speak blessings over you that are visiting for the first time we look forward when we are able together we look forward to meeting you in person in Fort Lauderdale when we resume our gatherings but until then stay safe stay healthy stay happy knowing that we are in God's hand god Bless America god bless his world let's pray our Father a God we thank you right now for what you were doing even in terms of relationships married relationships whether they're new whether they are a begonia whether they are promising whether they're mature and veterans I pray that you would rekindle the passion and those that have reached an impasse in their relationship and even during this time when we have been quarantined I pray father that there will be healing that there will be growth that there were the fire will burn in their relationship that they were careful for one another and that their children can look to them for the example of what a healthy relationship looks like so that they can make great decisions concerning future spouses and future relationships that they would have give us trusting relationship yes give us the strategy for our marriage that is necessary let us pray together worship together play together let us communicate together cook with one another father and let us speak the love language that makes the other person feel affirmed and cure for it and understood where there is fear place it with faith where there is arguments replace it with understanding where there is a lack fill that void with love bless us father as we grow together and father let our relationship be a light to everyone else bless us this day in Jesus name Amen hey listen one more thing thank you all for your giving if you want to know where to give go to presents gather in church just go ahead and Google type in presents gather in church and the all of the giving apparatuses are there and you'll be able to sow your seed presents gather in church I want to say this personally you have been awesome in your given we don't spend a lot of time asking you to give you're just doing it and for those of you that you know you want to just give maybe you're not a part of a church well feel free to tithe and give to presence gathering if you are a part of a church make sure you support that church that ministry that minister but in this season and in every season after this it's going to be important that we understand the power of our giving that's how we make our living not your job your living is actually made out of off of your Gibby so we welcome you to give and presence gathering Church that's it you type that in will pop up and you can go straight to our push pay and I'll tell you what it will push to pay it'll get done so god bless you thank you all again and I'm looking forward to next next Sunday yeah I just feel like we've got some other things we've got to talk about but for the time being we're gonna let you guys go thanks for hanging with us have a great day bye-bye

Channel: Russell Tomlinson Global

Views: 47,718

Rating: 4.9358535 out of 5

Keywords: buildingtrust, relationships, strategiesforrelationships, russelltomlinson, wisdomforhealthyrelationships, marriageadvice, singles, datingadvice, relationshipsincrisis, covid19

Id: pI1lpmzJotA

Length: 74min 53sec (4493 seconds)

Published: Sun May 03 2020