Bill Burr - When Is It Ever A Good Time To Cheat?

foreign [Music] is it ever a good time to cheat and I I my thing is it's such a Despicable move that that I don't think there's ever a really good time to cheat unless unless she's so cheating on you you have the well what was I supposed to do excuse well you could actually just have a picture like I mean come on no I know it's painful but come on I mean look look at it no it's painful what was I supposed to I know it's painful oh have you ever been cheated on has anybody ever cheated on you yeah yeah uh okay and probably way more times than I actually am aware of yeah that's gotta be that's a thing to do it's but I never understood girl and she she ended up she knew this other couple and they were married and I'm not going to get into the details because I'm going to try to help people but whatever she was spending time over there because they were working in the same field and the wife was getting jealous and she used to come my girl come home to me be like I would never do that I would never do whatever so she annoyed me so I broke up with her and then like six months later I just started doing calm now I was about a year and a half into doing comedy and the wife from the other couple came out to one of my shows she's like oh my God I heard you doing comedy had to come out to a show and I was like oh yeah yeah go with your husband and then she was just like and she teared up and said oh she's with so and so now my ex-girlfriend was with with her husband yeah so there's no voice she at least gave the guy a hand when we were oh Jesus oh yeah filthy and the thing is is only guys seemed to to have the reputations probably because we're so bad at it and women have that intuition and they just can smell it they just know something's going on and women are just you know what's that expression like uh about the secrets in a woman woman's heart it's a really creepy one I'd mess it up so you know that oh you're the worst dude last night I slept like a stone yeah it's like when you got six eggs and a dozen of dozen nuts yeah dude I'm bad with that stuff but dude it's brutal man like we were an Indiana man and these these four women from Iowa showed up you know to this like after party all married and this girl married women are the ones and she goes like married women in their 40s uh the they they go through this midlife crisis of like am I still hot right and then and you combine that with the fact that they've been with some dude for 10 15 years at this point and you know whatever his testosterone levels of going down and it's just with their head and dude when they go out you know they get a sitter and they put on their I'm going out glitter top dude when they come up for a picture afterwards it's like they've never even understood no they don't get sexual harassment like how many times they put their arm around you they got their hand on your ass they go to kiss you they're rubbing your chest it's like do it away from me dude it's really [ __ ] dudes don't know she's like yeah this is our girls weekend out we all left the husbands at home they're all hunting or whatever and like she was like I was like do you cheat on you I was like do you do you cheat on your husband like the way she was talking and she goes she goes what the [ __ ] do you think of course honey okay like in other words like grow up and she goes hey I'm the local reporter the weather mess and I was just like Jesus but that but that's not a good indication of women do that no no I'm not saying that that's right no no I'm not saying that that's women but like the whole cheating thing like is there ever a good time I gotta tell you like I can't the amount of times that like you know a woman like that comes up to me and just immediately comes up like she's gonna kiss me full on the lips and I pull away and she's like and she looks at me like gee what's wrong with you weirdo yeah red wine breath yeah you know get this away from me you know I literally do like you know if it was if it was acceptable to Mush a girl in the face I would just push their head back with the back of their heads touching the top of their back I would you know how I know the real horse because the real horse no this how do you know the real horse Paul this is how I know the real horse because I talk about my wife and my kids a lot in my act and that literally that makes the like all decent girls all the decent girls yeah yeah that's a good indicator right I talk about Nia they all they all [ __ ] but there's always a few strag yeah like it's just it's like did you hear me talking about the love I have for my kids you [ __ ] [ __ ] we were in New Jersey we did that theater in New Jersey and oh that was hilarious dude oh those those so you had like a dude yeah dude we do this Count Basie Jersey and these two girls are waiting to talk to Bill and all of a sudden they just basically gave him a proposition they just basically were like two girls that were like hey we wanna without saying it we want to have a threesome and Bill just goes yeah you don't think my girlfriend would appreciate that no you know what I hate it you know what I hate it I actually talked about the podcast was the fact that that that door guy [ __ ] blocked they're not like I was gonna do anything this guy who worked there [ __ ] blocked it because they they said their proposition and he was like 10 feet away he did he does the whole life like whoa what's going on over there oh I didn't get that it's just like you I'm not gonna do it I'm blocked down can I at least for half a second have the ego stroke of the fact that these two girls were gonna do this just go hey now watch out it's like those Heineken commercials remember that that dude from 30 feet away not 30. he was close what's going on over here yeah look out those girls were Shameless those girls were just like hey so we want to go get some and I was so naive at first I didn't get it I gotta do they want to really go get something they said hey you want to go get some banana pancakes it was a it was a bit was it a bit it was the bit that I did but I can't do it like the way they said it it was just and I just saw you kind of just look back yeah I don't think my girlfriend would appreciate that and then they kind of just it was like that awkward like Leaf well also to make it seem like I'm not like some titanium dude here like they you know they were you know and the real good ones go hey good luck with your babies good luck with your family like then you're like oh man these are real you know and if they're really hot you get mad you know like that way that you actually brought up that you're in a relationship but isn't it amazing how a girl could be such a sleep like this one girl goes no what are you doing tomorrow and I go I'm flying back to New York and she literally looked at me in the eyes and she rolled around she goes you're flying back to New York tomorrow we're gonna go to a lounge you want and it was like no like I have a family did you get it did you that's why one of the best years I had on the road was when I wasn't drinking because I didn't run into any of those people but if you hang out you end up running in into those those Maniacs I I told one time dude you ever run into one I should be telling you I shouldn't I shouldn't be telling these stories I think I might I probably did it yeah you should of course you should it's a podcast let's do it I told Nia this store anyways right one time I was I was in I'm not gonna say where I was I don't get anybody in trouble okay I was I was I was not home Paul I was on the road so the feature you know the squad to the club get some drinks blah blah so I got to this club and it's like literally like the dance club inside I'm already feeling old but you know I'm still having a good time you know looking at everybody all the beautiful people it was great so we were in this little like area that had like these couches so we're sitting there drinking and there's this other crew of people like couples that kind of came out with us with a couple extra girls or whatever and we're sitting there drinking and everything and I stood up to talk to the features somebody and I feel somebody like grabbed my ass I turned around I literally thought it was going to be some dude like being like an idiot I turned around was just this blonde chick I was just like hey hey what's going on or whatever right so I sat down she starts talking to a friend who's sitting on the other side of me she leans across me has both her forearms on like my legs like basically she took him out her head would have fell down onto my dick so I'm sitting there like what the right Jesus and I see she's got a wedding ring on geez and I go I'm going hey hey whoa hey what's going on got you like married or something like that she goes no my husband he's been but he's on MySpace that's how long ago who's saying he was on Myspace and uh he's always I always catching looking at you know talking to these hot girls on there do you think anything's going on I was like hey you know I don't know whatever you know she's like leaning on my leg and I'm like where's where's your I go well where's your husband tonight she goes oh he's sitting on the other side of me oh my god dude and he was sitting there like completely ignoring her like going through his phone like their marriage was basically over and it was like I really got upset with it because it's like you're basically testing to see how much this guy still cares about you with my face oh

Channel: Bill Burr University

Views: 60,168

Keywords: Bill Burr, Paul Virzi, The Virzi Effect, Podcast, MMPC, Monday Morning Podcast, Women, Bill Burr Women, Bill Burr Laydee, Bill Burr Nia, Bill Burr Advice, Bill Burr University, Funny, Podcast Clips, Relationships, Cheating

Id: 1yJSYpmAgu4

Length: 8min 38sec (518 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 17 2023