Bill Burr | Cheat - A Man's Guide To Infidelity | Short Film

you did everything we told you to do everything Joe everything everything ah Joseph you guys look great come on relax I'm so nervous about this whole scam to take you have an emergency that's why you came to me you're nervous because you might get caught Joe I've been in a situation for seven years and as far as getting caught I say shouldn't be so lucky I'd be praying for a conviction it's a way out [ __ ] it's 6:30 we gonna move okay so we're on a clock what's the details my girlfriend's out of town I really want to cheat on her he filled me in on the way over the details are his girl is out of town tonight tonight only he's got this other broad coming in at 8:00 but she's gonna be out early because his girlfriend comes back at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow [ __ ] we are on a clock all right here's a deal everything tonight has to be precisely executed all right you get her in you get her out you shower you clean up wait wait whoa I don't have to shower oh Jesus Christ have you ever cheated on anybody before no that's why I'm so nervous about this right now you got a shower what the hell what do you thought about me he's no there's no okay think about it Joe you're gonna have this alien chick scent all over you women get a lot of sense that shampoo perfume body wash not to mention the vagina that's gonna be all over your face and fingers you got a wash like you just murdered somebody you understand all right you understand yeah I'll take a shower I give yourself time to scour the apartment for stuff okay the earrings the hair then the glitter glitter glitter is brutal women love leaving a trail too especially if they think you have a girlfriend okay I got a clean - fine no no Joe scour your scour the apartment okay I'm talking beekeeper suit bleach a brush on your hands and knees all right all right I got I got I got it I got it again I got what else we're gonna do a man building door man God how much you payin seventeen seventeen you got a doorman don't I paid 20 - I got a walk-up I pay 99 a doorman [ __ ] you - I gotta move [ __ ] move guys guys guys guys I'm sorry just later for that please all right you got a doorman that's gonna be a problem Joe [ __ ] this guy he's so [ __ ] irritating every time I see him he's trying to start some stupid conversation with being get into my business how's it going how you been yeah good man's good you see the game Sunday now I don't really watch TV Jen stinky well you know but the money I had on the game I also lost do my rounds any now he does rounds for security so you have a doorman and he makes security rounds do why am i living where I'm living all right all right when does he make the rooms he doesn't want the 45 minute mark of every hour and they take five minutes all right that's your window five minutes to get in and get out of sight and I'm assuming because you have a doorman you also have an elevator don't use it all right you have no control when you're in the elevator you don't know who's gonna get in or who's getting out just tell her it's broken and you take the stairs what else we're gonna nose your next-door neighbor this is Lawrence the two lovebirds whether you gonna give that girl oh that's not good okay that's a wild card we're just gonna have to hope you don't run into her but if you do smash your nose with the bunny again watch you shut the [ __ ] up what movie what movie home fixed no no no Reservoir Dogs damn it dude I can never get you never get this guy all right see you good we got nothing else right [ __ ] what [ __ ] what [ __ ] this chicks taking the bus okay so we got a bus schedules I deal with Jesus Christ John you couldn't get laid any easier than this one for me man I'm sure that's only been Billy like 20 minutes they went to high school together uh-oh nostalgia [ __ ] is that what this says Joe oh let me guess let me guess she was the cheerleader he was the nerd in science class yeah she thought she was too good for you it's a blow job that got away I have been there I always wanted this girl man and I could never get her I'm just going to settle here exactly dude let's go to work alright first thing is getting past that door I think I lost my wallet hello I can't talk right now I'm sorry my date lost his wallet okay I found it [Music] hey wait wait wait why are we taking me okay you seem tense [Music] [Music] Oh oh you do when mrs. Lawrence lives I got a delivery [Music] she lives that she lives right there Thanks here yeah yeah take your time follow me my life welcome to my world right yep people it was that the neighbor across the hall yeah they're adorable this is your chance dude so you get all you can you eat it up until the morning all right then you gotta get her out of that joke get that girl out of that apartment that's easy I'm just gonna put her in a cab a cab a cab you're not even gonna go to the station with her when are we gonna go to the station with her yeah why is he gonna go to the station with it because she's coming all the way from Philly to suck and [ __ ] your dirty dick and then what're you gonna do toss her out the next morning with nothing no juice no pancakes not even a friggin Ango and then you gotta send her off down to some creepy bus station not even a train station a bus station with all those freakin weirdos bumping into her you know what I'm a dog but you're a [ __ ] animal she's right Joe you're kind of an animal fine fine I'll go over there to the goddamn bus station and I'll wait there with her okay you don't have to wait but you should definitely go I think Bobby's making a good point here Thank You Billy you're welcome you know a little bit of class after sex you know might not be the worst thing otherwise she might be vindictive and who knows where that would lead you don't want to psycho in your hands Joe upsy-daisy come on come on I don't have to get up so early [Music] Hey mmm what's up why else wedding oh I was running from the store what's Dorf grocery store the grocery store you don't shop or cook I know you know I missed you god damn it I missed you so much and I was thinking about you last night you know and all the nice stuff that you do for me all the time I said I want to do something nice for her so I got this morning I was got a cookie breakfast I went to the store to buy stuff but then I got there and I forgot my wallet like I always do so I my plan was run back get the wild run back to the store get the stuff for him back to the apartment but then I got home early yes you did you were gonna make me something to eat it's so sweet oh don't [ __ ] hunger dude take a shower before you [ __ ] hunger dude gross right now I'm so sure let me get almost cleaned up first for you alright and then then then you're in trouble well let me order some food later in the shower because I'm starving hey you're right what yeah know who I'm like uh I'm like zoning out right now I think I'm a little lightheaded from the run I'll get you some water let me get something to do it you look terrible Hey are you okay yeah no no no baby I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine you know what I just a little light head I just gotta take a shower get some water my face okay so I'll tell you what you got you order the food all right and I will eat breakfast in bed okay fun times yeah fine I'm just I'm just using you almost done in there yeah yeah yeah it's the food here yet [Music] all's good Belcher yeah without a hitch yeah let's meet you and Bill me tomorrow [Music] so you did everything we told you to do everything Joe everything everything well then how did you get caught damn pin two chicks in two days I want to be you next time around change the delivery boy Wow the delivery boy holy [ __ ] I didn't even see that one coming the [ __ ] delivery boy Jesus Christ Joe huh what dude I'm not laughing at you I'm just like just like laughing at the situations it's crazy she's gone she's gone she he's not coming back we tried um hey I joined a gym don't know you know Jews - yeah [Music] juice you [ __ ] when morning came face plain [Music] [Music]

Channel: Bill Burr University

Views: 121,591

Keywords: Bill Burr, Cheat, A Man's Guide to infidelity, Bill Burr Short Film, Bill Burr comedy, Joe Derosa, Robert Kelly, Bill Burr Book, How To Cheat

Id: -69gwtlEDWg

Length: 16min 2sec (962 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 07 2017