Bill Burr Shitting on Women.

it's like no it doesn't all right look look no means no no that means no all right but no stop it what are you doing oh my god you're being so bad stop it no yeah that's not a [ __ ] no that means i want to do it but i'm afraid you're going to judge me so i'm just going to make it look like it was your idea so you don't figure out that i've already performed this act with 40 other [ __ ] people right but then then you go to court and you get a bad read and there's some guy reading uh your honor she said no stop it what are you doing you're being so bad yeah and you just sent me like she didn't [ __ ] say it like that she didn't say it like that so i'm sick of obama's wife yeah this isn't some republican rant either it's just kind of first ladies in general you know i don't know what it is all throughout my life with each presidency like these first ladies they've just gotten more and more like like uh like chatty you know more more chiming in like leaning into the frame spitting out their ideas it's just like why are you talking right you weren't elected shut up your husband's not running a lemonade stand here he's running the country you don't just chime in let me guess is this considered sexist it is why okay you just nodded there lady let me ask you this all right let's say you had a leak in your house okay you call a plumber up he shows up and he goes yeah i think the league's coming from the upstairs bathroom we need to shut it off but then all of a sudden his wife walks in who isn't a plumber and he goes oh you know i'm actually taking care of him wouldn't you be like with all due respect shut the [ __ ] up i need a plumber in this moment i'll extend an olive branch here all right at some point there's going to be the first female president right exactly which means at that moment you're gonna have the first male first lady right and when that happens that dude needs to shut his trap i don't want to hear a word out of him i want to hear from the president you sir go do some first lady stuff all right go get yourself some gloves that go up to your elbows smile and nod during speeches go put your own flare redecorate in the white house right which leads you to michelle obama right now she's sitting there holding up those hashtags from that hashtag bring back our girls remember that it's like it blew my mind it's like why are you showing me that i'm a stand-up comedian like what am i going to do to get those girls back why don't you look across the dinner table it's like you see that guy that is the leader of the free world tell him to pick up a phone pull some navy seals and solve it what am i going to do show up with the sharpened mic stand michelle said to bring them back i i will get married you know i was making that i'll definitely get married someday you know i you know i love women and everything i'm just finding i'm not like compatible with them you know what i mean if they just feel that like women have like too much energy for me you know what i mean like you can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend you know what's that it's almost like they see that open day they're like oh my god let's go fill it up with [ __ ] no then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another horrible ideas like you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park you want to go to the container store get some containers for your t-shirts this is the worst one there we get this one you want to go to brunch you want to go to brunch on sunday and inside you're like [ __ ] no but you can't say that right you got to keep them happy so what do you do you agree like yeah let's go to brunch what a great idea why would you want to sleep in on a sunday when you can go pay 18 for eggs now you think it now you're thinking that we can sit around to listen to your friends have moronic conversations about the eggs like is that pesto is that pesto in your omelet oh it's asparagus it's asparagus i thought it was pesto oh you just want to flip the whole [ __ ] table over it's horrendous i'm trying to learn to pick my battles when i date girls i usually argue with women all the time man i'm stupid like that you know like i dated this girl one time she was like really into like women's issues so we used to always have these dumb ass arguments so one time she came up to me she goes okay explain this to me bro why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job huh i go i'll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we're both on a titanic and it starts to sink for some [ __ ] up reason you get to leave with the kids and i have to stay [Applause] hey that's why i get the dolomar now no think about it if there's a house fire it's always women and children first i got to stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire going let's go people let's go let's go so that's how i look at it no it's a dollar an hour surcharge that if something [ __ ] up happens either i can't leave or i gotta like get in the way of it to give you a head start like rabbit dog run honey one mississippi two mississippi you hear a bump in the night i gotta go check it out like yes he does have a knife anytime there's a hostage situation who do they negotiate for first well at least let the women and children go well what about me bullets hurt me too why the [ __ ] do i gotta stay in the vault no that's my point man where are all the feminists in those situations you don't mean you can't find them there are no feminists in a house fire that's a guarantee you could take the most hardcore feminist some chick right in your face like he showed me this take down a [ __ ] little short little haircut the whole nine yards right second those flames break out she's gonna twist those little hairs into pigtails no i'm just a girl i want to go play jump rope and leave you standing in a burning house like you're not flammable you know but i'm not i'm not a dick though i'm not i'm not saying i think a woman should make a dollar less an hour to do the same job all i'm saying is if you're going to make what i make when the boat sinks you better be standing right there next to me listen to that guy play the cello then you get the corner office you get all the benefits or whatever so let's talk uh let's talk white women here shall we let's talk white with white women you're amazing amazing your accomplishments over the last few years i got to tell you the way white women somehow hijack the woke movement generals around the world should be analyzing this just to refresh your memory the woke movement was supposed to be about people of color not getting opportunities the at-bats that they deserved finally making that happen and it was about that for about eight seconds and then somehow white women swung their gucci booted feet over the fence of oppression and stuck themselves at the front of the line i don't know how they did it i've never heard so much complaining in my life from white women my name is with my suv and my heated seats you have no idea what it's like to be me trash and white guys the nerve where's the camera the nerve of you white women let me listen i don't want to speak ill of my [ __ ] here okay i don't but let's let's go back in history here okay you guys stood by us toxic white males through centuries of our crimes against humanity you rolled around in the blood money and occasionally when you wanted to sneak off and hook up with the black dude if you got caught you said it wasn't consensual yeah that's what you did that's what she did so why don't you shut up sit down next to me and take your talk into [Laughter] thank you i was going back and forth with somebody um this morning an east coast friend of mine who i hadn't talked to in a while how you enjoy being a dad and blah blah blah blah blah and then she hits me up with the whole hey i'm turning 50 this year i am not happy about it i said yeah i turned 50 last year she goes how is turning 50 for you you know she goes you're a guy you probably don't care it's much harder for a woman especially with our careers oh did i have fun with that you know i just wrote back [Applause] jesus [ __ ] christ you know what i mean white women complaining is one of the funniest it's like you got a [ __ ] house and a beautiful family what is the [ __ ] so much harder for me you're gonna outlive me by six to eight years so me turning 50s like me turning like 56 57 58. you don't hear me complaining you know you never hear me complain on this podcast this is nothing but positivity rainbows and [ __ ] unicorns um yeah i love that [ __ ] it's harder for it's harder for women to go to the gym it's harder for us to lose weight well then [ __ ] work harder you know everybody's different oh is that where it's harder you know was you know it's harder for me uh uh trying to get some woman to pay the cover charge and buy me drinks you know it's harder for me to divorce court uh outliving you i mean it balances out ladies getting child support yeah that's harder for me because i'll be the one paying it then all of a sudden it costs 900 grand a month to raise a [ __ ] two-year-old right i just don't understand the constant complaining by white women okay you're white you live in america shut up okay wait till the other problems are solved and then we'll get to you you're at the meat counter your number isn't up yet wait your turn all right wait your turn abigail do you know how much hard it's so much easier for you to go to chat it's not easier men's lives are harder because we have to live with you guys oh man i want to become friends with a lesbian couple and i want to like be friends with like the the the chick in the relationship that's gotta handle more of the dude [ __ ] you know cause you know opposites attract and i would think even like in the lesbian community there's going to be somebody you know who's out there swinging the axe getting the [ __ ] firewood while the other one's in there making the muffins that's the lesbian i want to talk to right into my podcast please you know i want to know if those lesbians on average die sooner than than than the the dainty lesbian you know the lesbian who's got to go out on the [ __ ] roof and adjust the [ __ ] directv satellite [ __ ] thing in the middle of the [ __ ] rain that's who i wanna that's who i wanna hear from that's the study i would be doing

Channel: Laugh Up Club

Views: 1,084,636

Keywords: laughupclub, bill burr on women, bill bur shitting on women, bill burr comedy, bill burr stand up, bill burr stand up feminism, bill burr stand up comedy, bill burr stand up women, bill burr stand up 2021, bill burr women, bill burr comedy stand up, bill burr podcast, bill burr women rant, bill burr standup 2021, bill burr funny moments 2021

Id: mF4cDtPoW6U

Length: 12min 18sec (738 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 19 2021