Bill Burr - Destroying people - Compilation

when did you start shaving your head uh why don't I start shaving my shaved it I hear my first my first special I had it shaved elected I see you who's in the roof there in the back you'll be right there will do what would do a buddy cop show exactly right you balding old guys going after some hairy criminal I'm not a big fan of Steve Jobs personally what are you talking about I just I don't know I just don't understand what the big deal was with that guy he's like Edison I don't know he invented all this stuff everybody did he did he like did he sit down and like I'm gonna invent the iPhone and just sat there soldering possibly welding right then he have like a crew of guys helping him out sure maybe he did why when he went to those nerd fest didn't he have like a like a like a chorus of scientists behind him who helped him out too he walked out like it was Tesla into electricity I not which think they keep this kind of like told people what to invent like he just kind of came in like I want my whole music collection in that phone get on it yeah made it happen yeah and then they have the big nerd concert and he goes out there by himself no belt you know sneakers on I just didn't buy it yeah I'm a loner man I don't like people so yeah yeah that like no I don't ya just fit the Avenue during Christmastime you can find that go through my head I just want to chop that tree down and watch it land on people when you took it out on Philly cuz they were a bad crowd oh yeah you're famous rant you since said you like Philadelphia and that wasn't the issue you were just giving people in Philly don't even remember basically if you haven't seen it I was doing a show for the Opie and Anthony radio program and they had this show called the traveling virus and we were doing these like 10,000 Cedars and we went to Philly and then notorious for booing people and they booed the first guy offstage and I went on like three hours after that so by the time I got up there was a complete [ __ ] show and I don't know they started booing and I snapped and decided I wasn't going to leave and I just attacked everything that they loved yeah can women be funny yeah of course but you guys just [ __ ] grow up and just sit down and write your own horseshit and come up with it start your own [ __ ] show have your own awards show quit waiting around for other people to do [ __ ] for you that's the [ __ ] problem if you guys had your own big club and I was standing outside of it you'd never [ __ ] let me in I'd start my own [ __ ] you guys got to start your own [ __ ] you got brains in there right yes absolutely so write your own [ __ ] and quit your [ __ ] wine and we're all eating the giant [ __ ] sandwich out here nobody cares I don't care well when was the last time you went on stage you killed so hard the person after you bombed if you're [ __ ] doing that on a regular basis people are gonna notice regardless of what you have between your legs you know I feel bad for right now McDonald's I feel bad for them why would you feel because they backpedaled they allowed fat people to blame them and it's it's just over the second they made the salad it was over is over they said you know what it's our fault it's our fault it's our fault you fat it isn't everybody knows it's fattening you don't order 50 sandwiches right but they're a business if you order it they're gonna give it to you that's not their fault yeah and that you think that's it right there was the admit it's for kids and for when you get hammered that's what it is you go in there yeah at some point I was gonna make a point here that's why I keep looking at here and I just realized I'm blocking myself out of the camera I love that you have the jib camera for this like it's an action movie let's let's let's scoop in at these two guys sitting in these unbelievably small chairs I literally feel like I'm gonna fall onto the floor this is insane you really went all out with the audience so they got full-sized adult chairs these like from the 20s before they had like horse tranquilizers in our food and everybody was like five foot one yeah that bet that dead actor that bad and nothing and making you mad nothing enough up things have set me yes I I don't know I don't want to look I fly a lot and there's this whole new thing of generation of people that take their socks and their shoes off on the plane you got to look at this smelly feet and then they'll literally stand up and they will walk into a commercial airline bathroom yeah use it and then walk and sit back down again that's not right yeah if I was a dictator those people be eliminated they saw the Christmas lights I was like I'm going to bomb not mommy not my bag no this is it you're allowed to do this it's not fake okay and you stick it in a box and then you take it back out and you staple it up next year that's what you do I love this do texting for the entire interview it's just trying to keep the attentions of Millennials it's like impossible look at him he's already got the change he's probably got his own record label he's like making deals as we speak he's got championship rings on I don't know what you're doing do but I want your life man you're crushing it so are you and the peg did not get comfortable in this [ __ ] chair this is just like one of the worst things it should be like hitting museum is like the prototype this is what this was the awful level of comfort we went from a log to this and then eventually they got cushions it's another guy looking at his phone I swear to God through the day Jesus comes back if he ever does if he's even a real person like 90% of people are gonna miss it they're gonna walk right if he's gonna be walking on water and immediately walking by him they're not even gonna see it oh yeah there's a drop-off and faint for Jesus at that point everyone was everyone was paying attention now no one gives a [ __ ] ah there we go no but now this is like the ego one now I'm going to be sitting above you you did not have come with two it's fine it's right sir the one the one Comedy through line that's working here is me [ __ ] on this chair why would you take that for me this is you're just totally going against the grain I understand it but you got on camera so I think you get paid even though this is online you see Sugar Shane Mosley one of the greatest boxers of all time he's losing his championship belt in a divorce losing yeah it's like you're trying to break a man what does she want those they go with their shoes when you get a divorce all of a sudden costs like 50 grand a month to give a kid Froot Loops [Laughter] [Applause] gold-digging [ __ ] your character has a lot of tats you get those put on you have you have a tag that says no no I that's that's all my ink I have this mic on so yeah that's all right gentleman and help me I can't believe your relationships don't work we recently got a pitbull which I know a lot of people don't like because they ate a couple of kids I understand they're great dogs unless you're a bad owner if you're a psycho which I am you can mess them up I didn't I didn't realize that dogs feed off your vibes like if you're cool if you're chill they're chillin if you're sleeping they're sleeping but if you're a psycho like me and you're watching the game on TV and you're screaming at the referee you gotta be [ __ ] right I didn't realize the dog was in the corner being like yeah being a mother is the hardest job our most difficult job but if Oprah said that Oprah said that yeah that has your opinion on that on that phrase changed at all since no it's not the most difficult job on the planet it just isn't dude I get roofing in July I almost as a redhead I almost died there's people there's people that work on like oil it was that movie that guy made the oil teal the [ __ ] you know when they grow me blowing what is it there will be blood without there will be blood the out in the ocean they would drill I can never remember the names Mark Wahlberg Deepwater Horizon yeah yeah those guys were working on an oil rig the [ __ ] thing blows up they're on fire they got to jump into water that's on fire salty water into their woods you got to swim out of that oil and fire and then tread water bring to God that the Coast Guard is gonna get there before the Sharks do know talk to me about a toddler though he was so fussy today you wouldn't need his piece what's up with all these white kids now walking around trying to act like the like gangster rappers it's irritating it's like everywhere I go man I figured just be here in the city we go to mix of people you know I'll be like in the middle of Kansas though like the whitest state ever there'll be some Howdy Doody looking white kid like me you know I'm thinking this is one of my peeps some again I'm a conversation with I'll say she's like yo what's up kid who saw up kid I just want to be like nothing much Brad you know you're keeping it real in Wichita what a [ __ ] gonna be a gangster in the States say like Nebraska you know what do you be like all hardcore about your crop just in there yo [ __ ] was crazy I'm saying well [ __ ] call wasn't wrong I'll [ __ ] it scarecrows tipping over and [ __ ] you know I'm saying son I just want to be like dude you're white go to the gap give in to it buy some Dockers and come home by going to gun stores and and these rednecks are all telling me the same thing because I didn't grow up with guns so they're just going alright you never had a gun you want to get yourself a shotgun it's got a great spread that's what they keep saying it's got a great spread you know anything you got a problem you sort of whip around dude I just want to shoot the guy I don't have to do like a bunch of drywall work my diploma I didn't think Lance told anybody he didn't do anything to me you know he's good for me he raised five hundred million dollars for cancer research that's what that lie did that blocked out the Sun yeah cancer yeah it was annoyed and I hated how Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumbfounded that this guy would do this like she's been in show business for 35 years and she can't like wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level didn't she for the first five years have liked midgets who wanted to bang their mailman's boyfriend and she and she didn't want to do it she didn't want to do it but she didn't have the power to say no so she wrote it out and then when she could make a good decision she did a show but she stood on their heads [Applause] hamburger assistant again why can't mom make dinner ask her she's the one who abandoned her post not to doing all the lady work I got to leave to go do some man work and there's anybody gonna get me flowers and tell me I'm beautiful no no it's out there marching for old Frank Murphy he just watches the sands of his miserable life gather at his feet while his wife the modern woman throws on a pantsuit would I be mourning it yet there's my worker bee um what is your go-to dance move when challenged waiting for the director to say cut well I'll tell you when I when I saw my kid it wasn't I didn't have like everyone's like you're gonna burst out crying you're gonna blah blah blah I was like scared of it like I was sitting there like eight yeah buddy like afterwards they give it to me and I'm hanging with her for the first time and I'm feeling nothing and I literally put my head down on the bassinet I'm going oh my god I'm a serial killer so bill do you google yourself because I was like googling the [ __ ] oh god knows I was googling this I get trashed enough on Twitter what do you know when I did this show last night this is how I think the Millennials are right somebody I was wearing this exact same thing you know I'm on the road so nice stain on my shirt so I was wearing this exact same thing I go on Twitter and somebody wrote you know bill burr last night dressed like an out-of-shape jerry seinfeld what so like yeah I wrote but I can't say what I wrote back I realize you did so and something yeah it's like why don't you heckle me when you

Channel: Bill Burr The Guitarist

Views: 2,513,019

Keywords: billburr, standupcomedy, comedy, funniestcomedian, compilation, billburrcompilation

Id: cvXCs0q7tNE

Length: 14min 26sec (866 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 24 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

[removed]

[u/Fl4gr4ntx]

Wtf happened at the end there....

[u/shaze]

The Oprah standing on the heads of midgets bit, with Conan killing himself in the background will never not be classic.

[u/TragicalRook]

Need, Literally hours.. of him destroying ppl.. I’m going down a YouTube hole.. starting with the philly show.

[u/Bonananana]

He says the things in my head more eloquently and hilariously than I can.

[u/chefmnano]

Legend

[u/PrimeAndGlory]

Can’t believe I haven’t watched the Philly tour.

The Philly Incident

[u/elismith10]

“Nobody cares. I don’t care.”

Fucking epic.

[u/Gs_Pot420]

I love when Bill and Conan get together! Both legends