-Hello!
-Hello! -Always our most frequent
guest -- John Mulaney. -Did I beat --
was it Martha Stewart? -Yeah, I think you've just
tipped ahead of Martha Stewart again.
-Oho-ho-ho! -Back and forth, back and forth.
-It -- It -- It -- The ballet continues.
-[ Laughs ] ♪♪♪♪ Obviously, you are following
the presidential campaigns You had a great bit about Trum
way before -- years before he was pretending
to run for President. -Yes, he was still an odd person
back then. -Yes.
-This was in 2007, when he was just doing
"Celebrity Apprentice," an it was like, "Oh, that's about
the weirdest he'll ever be." And then he topped that.
-He really did. -Yeah, but I --
I'm repeating myself, but what I said back then
was that, to me, like, Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo
imagines a rich man to be. Like, Trump was walking around
under an underpass, and he heard some guy like, "Oh,
as soon as my number comes in, I'm gonna put up tall building
with my name on 'em. I'll have fine golden hair
and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons
with my children." And Trump was like, "That is
how I'll live my life." -What is your take on this
so far? -Well, it's in keeping with him, 'cause when he makes a decision,
he must think to himself, like "What would a cartoon
rich person do? Run for President." -Neither of us can sing a lick
-Not a bit. -Yeah, and we had to, for th
incredible composer for this Eli, we would sing
into our iPhones and then just send him
us singing. -Yeah, and what I would do is, I would take a melody
that already existed and was copywritten, and then I would add
my own words and I'd go, "How about this?
And Eli would say, "Well, that's already a song."
[ Laughter ] Then, he had to
listen to me sing. So I have all these
voice memos of me. -We actually have a voice memo
just to give people a sens of exactly how dire...
[ Cheers and applause ] How dire this was for poor..
Let's take a listen. -I'm legit embarrassed. Hello, Eli, it's Mulaney. I'm losing my voice on tour, so I was picturing it
like this. ♪♪ You don't own any land,
just a box in the sky ♪♪ ♪♪ Your neighbor's cooking kasha
and your other neighbor died ♪ ♪♪ When you moved in,
you felt lucky ♪♪ ♪♪ But that time is forgot ♪♪ But you never
give up your spot ♪♪ ♪♪ At the co-ops ♪♪ Wow, that was bad,
but I did get it all out. -Ohh.
-I'm proud of myself. [ Cheers and applause ] You all know this.
[ Laughter ] But my grandmother
and Seth's mom were in a local production
in Marblehead, Massachusetts of a hospital benefit
musical revue. Stay with me.
[ Laughter ] And it was directed
by a young Tommy Tune. It was called "Pills A Poppin'." And it saved the hospital. So it's no laughing matter
[ Laughter ] But, you know, you talked
to your mom about it. I've talked to my nana
many times. New England stories
always sound fake. -Yeah.
-They sound like limericks You know, like, "A man
named Tommy Tune came to town
and saved the hospital." You're like, "Did he?"
-[ Laughs ] -So, I said to him --
I go up to him, I go, "Hey, you're Tommy Tune.
And he was, so he said, "Yeah. And I said...
[ Laughter ] I said, "My nana was in
'Pills A Poppin',' which you directed.
He goes, "Oh, 'Pills A Poppin'!' in Marblehead, Massachusetts."
And I was like, "It's real." -The thing that you think
would be the most fun to hos would be the Rock & Roll
Hall of Fame induction. -Yeah, that is the only
truly fun award show. I don't know if you all watc
the HBO Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
induction annually. No? Okay, absolutely no one.
-[ Laughs ] -It happens every year.
Or does it? I'm not sure. If it -- If it didn't,
no one would notice. They induct about like
a half-dozen ungrateful bands... [ Laughter ]
...into an association no one ever asked for
in Cleveland. And if I could describe it the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
induction ceremony -- think of like a wedding
if every speech was given by the bride's ex-boyfriend.
[ Laughter ] Like, every band comes in
with some old grievance, and all their speeches are just filled with bile
from like 30 years before about, like, equipment van
or something. And, like, the Golden Globes
the Oscars -- the Oscars had a big, weir
thing happen last year. That's one glitch. That's on a night
where each winner does not know, until the moment envelope opens,
that they've won. Then, they have to
go give a speech in front of 10 million people. That should have
millions of glitches. The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
induction bands know for months that they're
going to be inducted and that they have to
give a speech. They blow it every year.
[ Laughter ] They all get up there,
they don't how to stand. They've been standing onstag
for 20 years, and they're just, like, side
to the podium, like, "Yeah." [ Laughter ]
"I guess, you know..." Look, if you're gonna have
a hall of fame, which we think is B.S., they always undercut the night
right away. And we're like,
"We don't want this. This is for you."
[ Laughter ] -I heard that someone ask yo
why comedians make fun of Florida,
when you were in Florida. -I met a very nice young woman 16-year-old girl came up to me
after the show. And she said, "I want to b
a comedy writer. I want to write at 'SNL.'"
And I said, "I used to write there."
And she said, "I know. That's why I'm talking to yo
about it." And she said, "Why do comedian
always go after Florida?" And I was like, "Huh.
That's a good point. We kinda do."
She's like, "Yes, you do." She said, "There was
a Jeremy Renner sketch when he hosted 'SNL,' where he
played the mayor of Tampa. And when he said,
'I'm the mayor of Tampa,' everyone laughed automatically."
[ Laughter ] And I said to her, like --
I said, "Well, it's not fair that we laugh at Florida." I said, "Comedy writers
are often lazy. And so it's, like,
a good example of a place when you need -- you know, i
you had a lot of paper towels, I'd be like, 'Hey, Seth,
what are you, Costco?' Not a good joke. Not a good joke,
but easy, right?" -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -"So, Florida is the Costc
of upsetting people, you know? [ Laughter ] Like, you -- Like,
it's just everything at once You'd never make Florida
on purpose. -Uh-huh.
-You'd never put it together Like, if it was a dinner party
you wouldn't be like, "Hey you know who we should invite?
A bunch of elderly Jewish people and some really cool gay peopl
from South Beach and a bunch of
conservative Cubans and a woman that looks lik
Bret "The Hitman" Hart driving a fanboat, and a possum and an alligator, and 12 serial killers, and the richest people in th
world trying not to pay taxes. And at the end
of the dinner party, they decide
who the President is!" -You and Colin Jost
wrote this years ago. -Yeah, and you didn't pick it.
-Uh, I... -You were the head of writing.
-I was the head of writing but I thought --
I remember saying, like -- I'm like, "Save it
for when he comes back." -"I'll wait till one of thes
writers improbably hosts." [ Laughter ] -You were a "Les Mis" fan
as a child. So, this was --
I should point out, the sketch is called
"Diner Lobster." And it was too
the "Les Mis" soundtrack. -Yes, it was about a diner
that serves lobster, as some in New York do. Someone finally orders
the lobster, and we bring out the lobster who's Kenan playing
a Jean Valjean type. He's facing death. He's lived in diner
for 40 years. And the only music
to accompany that is "Les Misérables."
[ Laughter ] So, what we did was,
we wrote it by listening
to the "Les Mis" soundtrack. And then we changed
the words of the song, and we made them
about being a lobster. [ Laughter ]
-And that's sketch writing -And that was at the table
in 2010. -Yeah.
-And I remember, it was done and it wasn't like you were mad, but everyone was just like
"Guy!" And then we --
And then we moved on. And now it's on TV.
-Who did you write it for? Do you remember who you
originally wrote it for? -Um, I think
Galifinakis was the host. -Oh, alright.
-Yeah. -Well, I think you elevated it
[ Laughter ] -I still do Gavroche
for my wife. And -- And she hates it.
[ Laughter ] And, uh, she hates
my rendition of it. And she really doesn't like it And it's, um --
And I know it's not good. And I know that it was funny
when we started dating. And I know that it's
not funny anymore. 'Cause I'll go like, ♪♪ Good evening, dear Inspector ♪♪ Lovely evening, my dear ♪♪ Dunh dunh dunh ♪♪ ♪♪ I know this man, my friends ♪♪ His name is Inspector Javert And Anna once went,
"Wait a minute. You just tipped
two different hats." [ Laughter ] A lot of you probably try
to guess our politics, you know? -Yeah, people look at us,
they go, "Oh, you know, they probably support,
you know, Bernard." -Why would we vote with Bernard?
What do you mean, Bernard? -They know -- You guys know hi
as Bernie Sanders. Bernard -- Our
dear old friend Bernard -- -Why do they know him as Bernie? -Bernard is running
for President. -Bernard is running?
[ Laughter ] The president of what, the
Band-Aid on Forehead Society -No. No, he's running for
President of the United States -Bernard?!
-Yes! -Our Bernard?
Why don't you just vote for him? -Oh, hello.
[ Laughter ] -We know that guy.
-We go back with Bernard. We go back with Bernie Sanders
to our days in Vermont. You know, we were known as
a political action group. We were known as
the Burlington 3. -Oh.
-And we were responsible for the bombing of the origina
Burlington Coat Factory. [ Laughter ]
But that was still -- You know, I still deal with hi
because I'm very involved in the Occupy Walgreens
movement. -Okay.
[ Laughter ] -Yes, I hate the 1%. I love whole milk.
-[ Laughing ] Oh, boy. -I'm sick of these
right-wingers, though. Let me say something
that no one else is saying -Please do. -I'm sick of these
right-wingers. And the only one I would vot
for is Ted Cruz. I like him 'cause
his face looks like the whole movie "Dick Tracy"
pushed together. [ Laughter ]
-You were out there -- -You were out there,
and you were so funny. -Thank you, guys.
That's very kind. -You were being humorous.
-Yeah. -And what I -- I loved the jok where you attacked the Trump
right? And then I remember, you know,
you made fun of him. And then you got to him.
You know, "Oh." And then he waited six years
-Yeah. -And now he's running
for President. And he is just a McDonald's burp
away from destroying the world -Yeah.
-So, that was you, dude. -Oh, no.
-That was you, man. Thank you. -Yeah, you're like the guy tha
didn't buy Hitler's paintings. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] -So he was like, "Okay,
I'll try Plan 'B.'" -Yeah. -I want to --
It was so exciting. I was watching the Emmys,
and you won the Emmy for this wonderful special
that I was lucky enough to see at Radio City.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
-How was that night? -It was, um, I was totally
totally surprised. It was amazing
and extremely flattering. But I was just shocked to win. And I'd, you know, been before and sometimes it's not fun So, I was sitting there like
"Why do we do this every year? Why do we come to this?"
And then they said my name and I was like, "Ahh!"
[ Laughter ] "This is true love." -I was very happy because
it cut to you, and Dan Levy, who is
a dear friend of yours, was your date for the night.
-The world's funniest comedian Dan Levy, was
my date for the night. -I'm lucky enough
to know him, as well. And it was really a genuin
moment of friendship from Da when you won.
And there he is, next to you -Oh, yes.
[ Laughter ] -There's also our friend
Michelle Wolf, who's genuinely happy for you.
-Look at Dan and I. That is, like, the --
That is the typical, like, Catholic and Jew
hearing good news. [ Laughter ] He was like, "Wow!!" And I'm like, "Okay,
don't get too proud." [ Laughter ] ♪♪♪♪
