Best of Jerry | Seinfeld

NE yeah no problem no [Applause] problem how did you know who they [Applause] wanted and you want to be my latex sales name please uh Seinfeld uh you made a reservation for a midsize and she's a small I'm kidding around of course yes um okay let's see here 66 years old yeah well he's in perfect health he works out he's vibrant you'd really like him why do people always say that I hate everybody why would I like him so what do you think could you go out with a 66y old woman well I'll tell you she would have to be really vibrant so vibrant she'd be spinning oh I'm sorry we have no midsize available at the moment I don't understand I made a reservation do you have my reservation oh yes we do unfortunately we ran out of cars but the reservation keeps the car here that's why you have the reservations I know why we have reservations I don't think you do if you did I'd have a car so you know how to take the reservation you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation the holding anybody can just take them let me uh speak with my supervisor here we go the supervisor you know what she's saying over there what hey Marge see those two people over there they think I'm talking to you so you pretend like you're talking to me okay now you start talking Oh you mean like this so it looks like I'm saying something but I'm not really saying anything at all okay now you say something else and they won't yell at me cuz they thought I was checking with you oh great I think I think that's enough see you later I'm sorry my supervisor says there's nothing we can do yeah it looked like you were in a real conversation over there but we do have a compact if you would like that fine all right well we have a blue Ford Escort for you Mr Seinfeld would you like Insurance yeah you better give me the insurance because I am going to beat the hell out of this just friends yeah yeah all right well do you still want to see a movie later I wish I could but we're friends I'm just going to go wash my hands good idea there's a beach towel on the rack yeah Jerry Jerry my my my head dryer ruin the picture and now I need another one and I can't get back into the Forbidden City who is this Jerry I need you to get another picture of manh hands I'm begging you if I get it for you will you take me to that club and show me a good time yes yes all right anything God so what are we doing here oh you'll find out I don't know you're acting very mysteriously well I'm very mysterious by Nature a lot of women find that attractive I find it annoying hello Uncle Leo come on in uh this is Amy hello Amy Uncle what are you doing here Jeffrey we're not tonight ah very convenient I supposed to tape this nature show for me he loves nature botany zoology you know his botney teacher from college stays in close touch with them they became friends really that's pretty rare I mean actual friends like equals they have dinner together they have discussions they yo did he leave any tickets here for for me oh yeah yeah yeah I'll get them thank you what tickets to the Paul Simon concert in the park we're going to the Paul Simon concert that's right lady what a great surprise I thought you'd like that oh so that's why you've been acting so mysteriously now you know that and that alone is the reason you know Jeffrey's favorite animal the leopard why is that you like the spots oh uh here's the here's the tickets thank you oh uh he asked me to give you a message he said that uh he's very sorry and uh he hopes you forgive him H so it's true you were making out with him what are you talking about I don't know Jeffrey oh so this is why you brought me up here it's very convincing but it's not going to work this time what are you talking about all he meant was thought he was sorry that the seats aren't very good oh oh want to get some pizza I'm not home to the K the rec store again I'll tell you that Mr Stein Brer that's what they call me your grandchildren are here to see you oh well send them in send the ties in wait to see them hey you little kids who who are you people come here come here how about to ride on the Stein Pony Express get up here what's your name shorty Mel are you Mel hello Jerry I'm trapped under my desk sturn is in the room you got to help me who is this Jerry hi be sh byebye sh get away hi I'm Brian Brian why did you just have him paged because you see the extensions coming you do something I know your name call a bomb threat a bomb threat why would I call it a bomb threat just call I think I should have some reason hey you kids are up on all the new Tunes tell me if this one rings a bell Heartbreaker love taker sh maker want you fix my shoes for free huh anything shorty girl this is Time Printer we just received call there's a bomb in the building a bomb in the building oh my God quick everybody onto the [Music] desk cash advance yes no BCE inquiry no receipt no processing processing i w Jerry yeah it's Diane Diane de con from Queen's College oh Diane how are you good good how long has it been since College huh I've been seeing you on TV you're doing great yeah plugging along you know I got the alumni magazine whatever happened to your friend George I notice I never see his name in there well he's kind of modest he was always such a goof off I mean did he ever get anywhere sure yeah what field marine biology George is a marine biology yeah pretty damn good one too I can't believe it I I would never have thought yeah he's specializing in Wales he's working on lowering the cholesterol level in Wales all that blubber it's quite unhealthy you know it's the largest mammal on Earth but as George says they don't have to be Diane Deon you saw Diane Deon something huh how did she look she looked great she asked about you she asked about me what what did she say how's George George she said George she remembered my name di Khan remembered my name she was the it girl yeah she asked for your number I think she's going to get in touch with you okay I'm telling you right now if you're kidding around I'm not going to be able to be a friend anymore you serious about about that you got that I got no problem with that good because if this is a lie if this is a joke if this is your idea of some cute little game we finished expect a call oh my God he's not kidding now I should tell you that at this point she's under the impression that you're a uh a what a marine biologist a marine biologist yes why am I a marine biologist I may have mentioned it but I'm not a marine biologist yes I know that so why you don't think it's a good job I didn't even know it was a job oh it's a fascinating feel I'm going yeah Jerry the Japanese guys had saki in the hot tub you got to get them out of the drawers and get him down here I don't have a focus group to sell a pilot the Japanese TV Uncle Leo Jer all right all right I'll wake him up testy Mr Jerry open the door please it's stuck ow the steam from the hot tub must have warped the wood hard I'm trying I can't get a grip my hands had kind of a bad week very funny but no joking please all right don't worry I'll get you out Brett believe me you don't have to do this Elaine I know he'll appreciate this granted it's not as nice as Kramer's cabinets but it's a start I promise you Jerry is not jealous of Kramer's cabinets move to the back of the drawers Jerry Jerry not the Fartman boy I'm really looking forward to this stuck I've never had food ordered in advance before I could have stayed home and ordered a pizza from Pinos Pinos oh no you should never order pizza from Pinos why not because the owner contributes a lot of money to those fana any abortion groups so you won't eat the pizza mm- no way really yeah well what if uh poppy felt the same way well I guess I wouldn't eat here then really yeah that's right well perhaps we should inquire poppy oh poppy could I have a word yes I just check to you dog it is more succulent than even I had a hope poy I was just curious where do you stand on the abortion issue when my mother was AB adoped by the communist she was with a child oh boy but the Communist put an end to that so when this issue there's no debate and no intelligent person can think differently well Poppy and what gives you the right to do that the Supreme Court gives me the right to do that let's go Jerry come on I heard that let's go Henry we just got here I'm with you poppy let's go and I am not coming back you not a [Music] welcome well I'm certainly glad I brought it up I'm in love this is it Jerry this is it he is such an incredible person he's real honest he's unpretentious oh I'm really lucky did you tell him I was sorry I didn't offer him the drink no I forgot the best part is he doesn't play games you know there are no games no games what is the point of dating without games how do you know if you're winning or losing well all I know is he doesn't like games and he doesn't play games you know he has too much character and integrity uh-huh and what is his stand on abortion [Laughter] what what is his stand on abortion well I'm sure he's pro-choice how do you know because he well he's just so good-looking well you should probably ask because if he's going to be coming over with those Pinos pizzas could be [Music] trouble is that creaking it's like I'm in the hold of a ship got to relax hello is somebody there Mr Marbles so I told ipswitch I'd have the Hat by this afternoon what am I going to do you should sleep with him Budd I'm on No Sleep No Sleep you don't know what it's like in there all night long things are creaking and cracking and that red light is burning my brain you look a little stressed oh I'm [Applause] stressed hello elen you got to get back down on the dealer putty is screwing me on this car which is yellow now who is this what you got to get back together with putty so I can make this deal you know just that you cared enough to call means so much Jared going to get back together anyway thousands of dollars I don't know come on then you don't have to see him again to my 15,000 M check well will you pay my cab Fair out there fine and I didn't like that roast beef so how about some lunch no no lunch I'll hang this phone up right now all right lunch I'll see you bye what he's ripping me off I can't believe Elaine's never taken you here before well I'm really not much of a meat eater you don't eat meat what are you one of those well no I'm not one of those when we were little girls grandma memma would take us to a matina and then dinner here grandma MMA Lane must have mentioned Grandma MMA no I think I would have remembered MMA oh well that's typical Ela never liked Grandma MMA ready ol of the Porter House medium rare baked potato with sour cream what do you recommend besides the steak the lamb chops are good anything lighter how do you prepare the chicken it's a full bird stuffed with ham top with gorgona you know what I think I'll just have a salad thank you just a salad just a salad just a salad so have you talked to Holly uh-huh did she mention anything about our lunch um kind of what do you mean kind of I mean she thought it was kind of strange to just order a salad you know for a man like a key thing you're in the ball oh salad what was I thinking women don't respect salad eaters you got that right but you're going over there for dinner tonight right mhm what is she making I don't know when I'm sure it had Parents up she won't mind if you come oh don't worry I'll be there and I'll be packing an artery this is such a lovely table setting h ooh where did you get these napkins they were grandma memma oh I don't remember them no you wouldn't she only used them on special occasions special occasions it wasn't special when my family visited everybody like mutton mutton hope you didn't cut the fat [Music] off what about this candleabra yeah that was Grandma mma's also she bought it on her trip to Europe in 1926 Jerry I'm thrilled you like my mutton I was afraid you only ate salad hey salad's got nothing on this mutton that is so funny did you just make that up I wish I could take credit for it it's actually a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat how about that beautiful uh desk over there oh yeah that was in uh mem's study I love that Des what' you do did you ransack the place after she died this is some fine M know what I'm getting out of here can I borrow your jacket um well uh the thing is that it's cold out okay I didn't bring my own okay Cherry Cherry God forbid I should borrow one from Holly might have belonged to Grandma mimma thanks for mutton 53 a 53 I'd like a marble Ry uh no plastic in a bag ah you're lucky it's our last last one a second that's your last marble Ry that's right there's none left that's what I said number 54 uh excuse me I know this is going to sound crazy but I I have to have that R it's a it's a long story but a person's whole future may depend on it well I'm sorry but you should have got here earlier yes well be that as it may if you could just find it within yourself to give it up I you're not getting this wrong all right all right I'll tell you what I'm going to do I will give you double what you paid for it you're in my way all right look I'll tell you what I'll give you $50 now be reasonable you cannot turn down $50 for a $6 ride no watch me me stop it I want that ride lady help someone help shut up you old Pig St me my M I just wanted to let you know he's got about 5 minutes yep yep Jerry five [Laughter] minutes now that's a great looking shirt hey Captain yeah yeah I'm glad I ironed it it's perfect look at it it's fantastic kma how am I going to wear this I I can't wear this hey this looks better than anything you own you know in two months time everybody's going to be wearing the pirate look H yeah hi Kramer guess what I just saw Bryant Gumble he said he might help out at the benefit great what is this it's the puffy shirt look at it huh what do you think is it cool or what why are you wearing this now why am I wearing it now I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now because the low talker asked me to that's why and I said yes do you know why because I couldn't hear her when did she when did she ask you this when we were at dinner with Kramer went to the bathroom I didn't hear anything no of course not nobody hears anything when this woman speaks well you can't wear that on the show BL want to stop it what what no Jerry you were promoting a benefit to clothe homeless people you can't come out dress like that you're all puffed up you look like the camman Cristo I have to wear it the woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV they're producing them as we speak y you're supposed to be a compassionate person that cares about poor people you look like you're going to swing in on a chandelier okay let's go is that what you wearing back now 7:46 on Tuesday the 19th here in New York there'll be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries a used clothing organization that provides services to the needy one of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld Jerry good morning thank you Brian speaking of clothing that is a very very unusual shirt you have on yeah they're all kind of kind of puffed up yeah except puffy shirt you look kind of like a pirate yeah like a pirate anyway uh you know we're hoping to um raise enough money with the with this look I'm sorry it is just a very unusual shirt it could be kind of a whole new look for you you know you could put a patch over an eye you could kind of like be the pirate comedian uhhuh yeah you could be wearing the puffy shirt at the look it's not my shirt whose shirt is what's the difference I agreed to wear it it's a it's a puffy shirt I feel ridiculous in it and I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen to be perfectly honest with you you bastard did you hear that that I heard you know hi Jerry It's Kenny oh hi I was thinking if you're not busy maybe I can get my meal [Applause] today yeah you want to get that meal don't you how about meny's ooh ever been there no I haven't ah you're going to love it I'll meet you there around 7 all right yeah I really needed that soup I start off with curls that's good for the bicep I do 10 reps two sets that's fantastic you work out with weights no I don't you should why you worn the suit yet no not yet have you decided oh get the swordfish best swordfish in the city the best Jerry I have the salmon and you uh you know what I think I'm just going to have soup yeah I'll save the meal for another time another time what other time I had a hot dog earlier I'm not that hungry no no Ben you know this is the dinner the soup counts soup's not a meat you're supposed to buy me a meal I'm not stopping you from eating go ahead and eat get anything you want but I don't want anything but soup then that's the meal but I had the hot dog I didn't tell you to have a hot dog who told you to have a hot dog hey I give you a brand new armanii suit and you won't even buy me a meal all right fine get the soap so he just gets soup he wants a save the meal so now I got to do it all over again what kind of soup did he again I don't know consum or something cons H was well that's really not a meal Jerry I mean if he had gotten chicken gumbo or moall even mushroom barley then I would agree with you those are very hearty suits you're missing the whole point the meal is the act of sitting down with him it doesn't matter what you get as long as he's sitting in that restaurant it's a meal was it a cup or a bowl I'm just curious a bowl okay did he crumble any crackers in it did he crumble any crackers in it as a matter of fact he did oh wow crackers in AOL that that could be a meal it's like I'm talking to my aunt syia here open it up Kramer hello boys oh hello Newman are you looking for someone don't play Koy with me Newman I'm not in the mood Koy I'm not being Koy is he being Koy yeah Koy you're being Coy Now where's Kramer Newman who listen tiny I want to know where Kramer is and I want to know now all right go ahead and hit me Seinfeld I got witnesses turn around George sure George I you going to tell me where Kramer so we going to have to do this the hard way help help where's Kramer what's going on they got to pick me up we're not we're trying to find out what happened to Kramer you want to know what happened to Kramer I'll tell you what happened to Kramer he was ticked off about the keys yeah that's right about the keys thought he got a bad rap bad rap yeah from you me you heard me so he packed the grip and he split for the coast La La Land La hey you want to know what one of her favorite Expressions is happy papy happy py what does that mean like if she wants to know if I'm pleased with something she'll say happy papy oh you're a py oh I get it oh that's not so bad oh come on what are you kidding so tell her not to say it I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs anyway look who's talking you just broke up with Melanie last week because she shushed you while you were watching TV hey I got a real thing about shushing what is this did you ever get the feeling like you had a haircut but you didn't have one I'm all itchy back here what what is this what what are we doing what in God's name are we doing what our lives what what kind of lives are these we're like children we're not men no we're not we're not men we come up with all these stupid little reasons to break up with these women I know I know that's what I do that's what I know are we going to be sitting here when we're 60 like two idiots we should be having dinner with our sons when we're 60 we're pathetic you know that like I don't know that I'm pathetic why can't I be normal yes me too I want to be normal normal it would be nice to care about someone yes yes care you know who I think about a lot remember Susan the one that used the work for NBC yeah I thought she became a lesbian no it didn't take oh I tell you I ran into her last week oh she looked great you you you thought she was good-looking right see there you go again what is the difference what I think I was just curious well this is it I'm going to do something about my life you know you know I they want to call Melanie again so what if she shushed me George I am really going to make some changes yes changes I'm serious about it you think I'm not I'm not kidding me too hello Newman I hate Keith bernandez hate him I despise him why I'll tell you why let me tell him now you can't tell you always tell it all right tell it I you just tell it June 14th 1987 Mets Phillies were enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a five run Phillies ninth cost the Mets the game our day was ruined they were's a lot of people you know they're waiting by the players's parking lot now we're coming down the ramp Newman was in front of me Hernandez was coming toward us as he passes us Newman turns and says nice game pretty boy [Applause] her Addis continued past us up the ramp then a second later something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward it wasn't he spit on us and I screamed out I in it then I turned and the spit ricocheted off him and it hit me wow what a story unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Miss Bennis as I've heard this story a number of times Newman Kramer if you'll indulge me according to your story Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp then you say you were struck on the right Temple the spit then proceeds to ricochet J off the temple striking Newman between the third and the fourth Rift the spit then came off the rib made a right turn hitting Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cat the spit then splashed off the wrist pauses in midair mind you makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thought that is one magic lugie well that's the way it happened what happened to your head when you got hit well uh uh my head went back to the left say that again back and to the left back and to the left back and to the left so what are you saying I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind that there had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the grally road the spitter was behind you as you claim that would have caused your head to pitch forward so the spit could have only come from the front and to the right but that's not what they would have you believe I'm leaving Jerry's a nut wait wait wait the sad thing is we may never know the real truth so you sure you're not still angry about last night no I'm fine just as long as you don't ever do that voice again never never well what about if you're not around no that's all I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice that's right I can do that what's your decision I don't know hello is it me you looking for I can see it in your eyes I can see it in your smile I love you [Music] Jerry hi hello [Music] [Music]

Channel: Seinfeld

Views: 379,734

Keywords: seinfeld, seinfeld theme, seinfeld bloopers, jerry seinfeld, seinfeld full episodes, jerry seinfeld stand up, seinfeld the contest, seinfeld stand up, best of seinfeld, larry david, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, Wayne Knight, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg, seinfeld best moments, seinfeld man hands, Seinfeld soup, Seinfeld the race, seinfeld newman, seinfeld shrinkage, Jerry Seinfeld, Best Moments, Best Of, Jerry, Seinfeld, The Puffy Shirt

Id: SYRpTwDzNQw

Length: 34min 24sec (2064 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 29 2024