Got me out here in LA. I'm disappointed
in church out here in LA. I'm from the South.
In the South, we do church. Y'all feel me? Church
a little different out here. Church out here
a little Hollywood. I went to this one church, I seen a brother get baptized
with a Bluetooth on his ear. "Hold on, Bishop.
Yeah, I'm back now. We can hit the club a little
later on if you want to. Yeah. Okay.
Bishop, you want to go, too? Yeah, make that three on the
guest list, if you don't mind." You ever go to church
and have a prayer request and somebody wind up
telling your business in the prayer request? "Uh, good morning, saints.
If y'all don't mind, please keep our sister Nadine
lifted up in your prayers. She don't know who
the father of her baby is and we ask that y'all keep her
lifted up in your prayers. If y'all don't mind,
please reach out to her. We going to pray
for her right now. Dear Lord, show her
how to keep her legs closed. Girl, keep your head up. That's why you got
pregnant the first time. If you don't mind,
keep her in your prayers." You ever have somebody
invite you to church and they have a guest speaker and the guest speaker
be horrible? And you know
they horrible, too, because the person that invite
you try to explain like, "Look, I don't even know
who this is. This Pastor's friend. I don't
even know him like that." Sound like he got Robitussin
in his sermon. He be like, "Eh, good morning
...Ah ... Amen. We ... would like
to thank all our ... ah ... first time visitors,
amen. We ..." What's wrong
with your connection? You got dial-up? "Ah..." Have you tried
control-alt-delete? A few people with an office job.
Okay, cool. What's happening? How you doing?
How you living? How you feeling? Good. Good. I was just getting
myself together. I was trying to listen to
some music, some gospel music. Any gospel music fans?
Any? I like it. I do.
I really do, I really do, and the thing I love about it
is that it's always evolving. I never knew gospel music
could evolve like that, because I like the Kirk
Franklins and all that. I like the new age. But now they try to really
go above and beyond. They try to have this
heavy metal gospel. Heavy metal gospel? Come on, now, I'm trying
to feel the Spirit, not fear it. I don't want no dude, I'm trying to get into the zone,
he be like, "Are you ready to pray! I said,
are you freaking ready to pray! ♪ Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus ♪ Let us pray!" "I don't want to ...
I don't want to ..." Picture of Jesus on a stained
glass window, "Yeah." Uh-uh,
cool that down, calm that down. I like something cooler. If you want to do
a little crossover, do like reggae gospel.
That'd be cool. A little Bob Marley
kind of music, dude's going to come out
with a purple velvet robe with a little dreads,
just be chilling. "How you doing?
How you doing? How you doing, how you doing,
how you doing? All praises to God.
All praises to God. Kick it! ♪ ♪ Oh yeah ♪ ♪ Oh Lawd ♪ ♪ Jesus, my sweet Jesus ♪ ♪ Woah He died ♪ ♪ Yes He died ♪ Come now! ♪ They nailed Him ♪ ♪ Woah they nailed Him ♪ ♪ Onto the cross ♪ ♪ And this is what He said ♪ ♪ And this is what He said ♪ ♪ You wanna know what He said ♪ ♪ He said "ow, ow, ow" ♪ ♪ These nails hurt ♪ Take it away apostles! ♪ ow, ow, ow ♪ ♪ These nails hurt ♪ Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, oh, thank you. Appreciate it. Glad I ain't the only one
going to Hell. I appreciate that. My mother don't like that joke,
either. My mother don't like that. She goes, "Don't do that.
Don't do that." She's from Haiti. She's like,
"Don't do that, don't do that. No. If you want to go to Hell,
go by yourself, but not me. No.
Mm-mm." And she try to take me
to her church. She goes to ...
I was raised Roman Catholic and she knows
I love gospel music, so she tries to lie to me. She's like, "Oh, they have
gospel music at my church, nowadays,
they do. They do." Ma, they don't have-
in a Roman Catholic church? You ever been to
a Roman Catholic church? This is their gospel music. ♪ Let us proclaim the mystery of
our faith ♪ ♪ Amen. amen...♪ ♪ Amen ♪ Then she got the nerve to get
mad at me when I'm sleeping. "Hey, what are you doing?
Wake up." I'm like, "What?"
"You sleeping." I'm like, "Ma, even Jesus
falling asleep." That's what I saw.
I was so tired, I thought saw Jesus
get up there, "You know what? This is ridiculous.
I'm getting up out of here. Mm-mm, mm-mm. Y'all better sing
something happy in here. This is ridiculous.
Let me get on out of here. Peter, turn yourself
right side up, let's get on out of here." Everybody in here
believe in God. But there's different people
who pray different ways. It's all races, races beliefs. If you Puerto Rican,
you go to a Puerto Rican church. You Mexican, Mexican church. Just makes sense,
but you still believe in God. I'm going to show you.
I swear to God it's different. You go into a Spanish church, he don't say nothing
about the Bible. He comes right over, "I love
my Jesus, he is my Lord. (singing)" White people, same thing.
Got churches, big churches, but nobody be in the church
and you always hear this sound. (singing) Black people, oh my Lord.
Black people churches ... Black people churches
same thing, but everybody just gets
into the church too hard. Black people, soon as you
come into church, you hear, "Hey! I want to say
to the Lord. I say ..." I was in Jamaica.
I said, "Before I go on, I'm going to go in the church
and go talk." It was a reverend with dreads. Soon as I walked in,
"You want Jesus?" Soon as he started preaching, "For we don't know
when the Lord Him come, but we know Him soon come. Before we go, we want to sing
this song to the Higher Power come down. (singing) You got a negative friend? "Hey, man, you put
your money in church?" "Yeah, I tithe in church." "Well, I'm mad the preacher
he spend that money on himself." Well, I look at it like this. If you can prepay
for a cell phone, you can prepay
to go to Heaven. That's right,
or you'll be sitting in Hell with unlimited nights
and weekends. You on fire, "Man,
I'll have to call you back. It's hot as Hell down here. Let me get you back Friday,
let me get you back Friday. It's hot down here." It's tough doing
the right thing, man. All these temptations
in the world. I said the first step of me
trying to the right thing. I say I'm going to get
to know the Lord, and what better way
to get to know the Lord than by going out,
buying a Bible to read. Well, he did when
we was down here. So, I went to
the Christian bookstore, I picked out me a nice Bible. I got to the counter
and she tell me $75. Y'all just don't know
what it took for me not to curse up in there.
I'm like, "For a Bible?" I'm like, "For $75, this Bible
must come with a miracle. So, I need mine
to help for it." She said, "Well,
I stole one from a hotel." He like, "Man, that were wrong
right there, bro." Fellas, I'm going
to tell you, man, y'all be careful
when you go to church, because women going to church
looking for men that's going to take care
of them financially. Uh-huh,
y'all go to church to see what kind of shoes
we wear, how much money
we putting in church, what kind of car
we pulling up in. Ladies, that's not the key. If you really want
to know the key to a financially stable man, just look at his Bible.
That's right. Because if he come to church
with a nice looking, nice sized Bible, chances are
he's financially stable. But if he walk up the church
and one of these chances are, he not doing
too good right now, because he got this one
from vacation Bible school. Church. White folks go
to church at 11:00, 11:30 they out of there. They going to tell you about
the Super Bowl and everything. Not black folks.
Not messing with black folks. I damn near missed
the Super Bowl. See, I went
to one of them churches where they be running,
jumping, turning flips,
throwing chicken, you know. One of them churches
where you go Sunday morning, get out there
Wednesday evening. This is what I like
about white folks' church. They organized. You know what I'm saying?
A white quartet ... I went out,
I visited my boy Josh's church. They got a nice quartet. You done seen them
white quartets, "Church, get ready to sing.
(singing)" Not in black folk church.
We totally different. Our quartets be showing up late,
because the van done broke down. The lead singer
can't really sing, but the reason
he the lead singer because it's all his equipment. This is the type of church
you see at a black church. Go ahead, band. "Clap your hands for Jesus. (singing)" What if they coming down
the steps of the church and they fall down the steps
and start singing the damn song? Go ahead.
"How's everybody doing today? I did what Jesus
told me to do. (singing)"
