Best of Captain Holt - Brooklyn Nine-Nine | Comedy Bites

[Music] I'm tired of politics let's get that Punk blood so this is amazing of course we have no idea where he is but I love where your head's at yep no family maybe there was a girlfriend or someone he worked with at the coffee shop at the coffee shop why would someone who knows they have 21 million dollars coming take a minimum-wage job because he needed access to that building because that's where the money's hidden all right we gotta get there quick maybe we should take the chopper death blade Sidewinder it's go time Roger that wet blanket snow from now on call me hello Raymond [Music] captain wuntch good to see you but if you're here who's guarding Hades huh meat from the street sounds like a fun treat I'm a poet and didn't even know I was rhyming those words but it happened anyway it's a great idea partner Ruth I'm gonna be straight with you I accidentally knocked up a woman robbed you know me I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window I don't know what's going on down at police headquarters and no one will tell me anything so you're saying that not knowing what your bosses are up to it's driving you a little crazy you've used my logic against me well played Timmy well played thank you sir look at that you helped me find my smile hello detective is there a reason you're interrupting me mid suit whoa you really made the balloon arch made no I birthed her do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist yes I was looking Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun oh my god I've mastered all the moves the pizza toss the tornado the Scorpion the oopsie doodle why are you telling me this because no one will ever believe you No son of a [ __ ] so who was your partner back when you caught the Brooklyn broiler martin ormankupp he was a great partner smart loyal homophobic but not racist in those days that was pretty good I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life I mean I've solved a lot of cases for you and yet crime is continued the math thing isn't the problem night shifts keeping you and Kevin apart you two just need a bone just hate again I said you two need a bone Oh dare you detective Diaz I am your superior officer Oh what happens in my bedroom detective is none of your business don't ever speak to me like that again that dude is pent up now he knows problem solved vindication kantaria is intelligent and inquisitive with a bold personality a bold personality we know whether it's code for to the Fitch sergeant I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan they are puppies very cute sir maybe you twins would like some little furry friends I'm sorry sir but that's impossible with the twins learning how to walk chaos reigns at the Jeffords household I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse Terry won't do you like that I understand just know you have disappointed all three of us that's cold sir if you excuse me sergeant Wells we need to go to the BRB it's BRB time where the RBA makes bass you make space this closet is for people who are freaking out oh I'm fully freaking out I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public BRB what does even mean be right back it was the same number of syllables of the acronym was the point this is great I had no idea captain Holt was interesting food I have zero interest in food if it were feasible my diet would consist entirely of a flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal there were very few black detectives did I ever tell you what my first day on the job was like hello I'm Raymond holt are you here to turn yourself in it's 9:00 a.m. why is no one working Amy Santiago is a few minutes late and we're all trying to guess why I like to play I'd say she's in line at the bank this is fun it is fun but you're all wrong she clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man there she is Amy where have you been we've been worried sick do you care to explain yourself I'm just 70 seconds late it's not a big deal don't worry about it Santiago you will tell us and you will tell us now there's a problem at the bank hot damn I've been researching ways to raise morale and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal Oh was it from the American Journal of no one cares according to a recent study the physical act of smiling can improve your mood I suggest we give it a shot hmm now your try big smiles bigger bigger great now we just have to stay like this for the next few hours can you feel it working I don't have any enamel on my teeth so the cold air is excruciating maybe you brushed your teeth once in a while this wouldn't be a problem I do brush my teeth they're decaying from acid reflux you're dirty yourself for like a you're not Australian Gena gets stuffed you drongo okay so seriously too much exposure to air they will turn to dust this isn't working out as well as I'd hoped time for the next level forced laughing [Laughter] jackpot let's do this and how am I supposed to get all the way up there and now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon I'm ready captain I love the nickname no Charles not you I was talking about cheddar oh right obviously over the past month I've had them trained to retrieve planks and now boy it's time to make daddy proud yes sir I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog Oh sir I thought you said this was my case I gave you two weeks I'm done fending off the organized crime unit squad since Peralta's briefing was cut short you can all use this time to clean up your desks look at this place half-eaten food crumpled tissues pictures of your families what's wrong with pictures if you love someone you'll remember what they look like you're a captain tough weekend I went to Barbados with my husband we won't hats out of palm fronds and swam with the stingrays I've never been happier guys impossible to read don't even try that is without question the funniest story I've ever heard what'd you do what'd you say nothing we just said welcome back and laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France why is everyone just standing around get back to work so long tank tech I gained three pounds in Paris three pounds Sarge that painting is tight it's terrible the brushwork is sloppy is poor use of negative space I'm a fraud not at all I'd like to take this home for my husband he'll be glad you made me look so happy rise and shine detectives rise and shine Peralta I want you to bring everyone up to speed you slept in your office and you look exactly the same how were you talking about my hair's a mess hey captain mind if we sit everything okay nothing's okay lunch circling me like a shark frenzied by Chum the task force turning into a career-threatening quagmire an internal affairs investigation casting doubt upon my integrity and you ask is everything okay I am buffeted by the winds of my foes enmity and cast about by the towering waves of cruel fate yet I a captain I'm no longer able to command my vessel my precinct from my customary helm my office and you ask is everything okay I've worked the better part of my years on earth overcoming every prejudice and fighting for the position I hold and now I feel it being ripped from my grasp and with it the very essence of what defines me as a man and you ask is everything okay you

Channel: Comedy Bites

Views: 1,168,169

Keywords: chelsea peretti, brooklyn nine-nine, terry crews, raymond holt yas queen, raymond holt bone, raymond holt best moments, captain holt yas queen, captain holt marshmallow, captain holt bone, brooklyn 99 i want it that way, ron swanson i know more than you, ron swanson quotes, pranks, funny, vines, BEST OF captain holt, best captain holt scenes, captain holt velvet thunder, captain holt velvet thunder episode, captain holt, florida holt, captain holt pretends to be straight

Id: rfpTDJsgtYE

Length: 10min 2sec (602 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 15 2019