Bert Kreischer & Who Is Bobby Lee? | TigerBelly 352

nosotros papaya to you my friends we have a live show june 25th at the ace theater hotel if you've not gotten your tickets yet and you live in los angeles what are you doing head over to tigerbellylive.com click on tickets and get yourself some also if you see a qr code right now in the video or if you're listening on audio hit the link down below you can go to legacy shop tiger belly there may or may not be some live show tickets uh being raffled who knows you have to go check it out scan the qr code or hit the link down below we'd also like to thank our sponsors for supporting this show if you'd like more info or just want to use our tiger belly codes you can go to stitchfix.com belly and betterhelp.com bellyseatgeek.com or the seat geek app with promo code billy and saqqara.com belly enjoy the show the compliment i get really the most is the cabin can i tell you as a as of late i i i i because they we did it in the pandemic yeah and it aired in the pandemic we never had a chance of doing a second season oh wow well yeah because it was it was in pandemic they weren't making anything it would be so expensive to make that show i would reach out i was thinking about reaching out to netflix and doing a second season you have to doing with the same cast members like doing it with you guys again yeah and then doing it like i wanted to do it on a boat oh that would be great so it's that cabin like we all get a luxury yacht to go down yeah i don't think levar likes me that much though oh what's his name no no no no no no no no keep guessing black names oh my god people are converted no wait wait ian no not yeah no no no no no no no keep going what's the name brian simpson no his name is um um dave give me trouble johnson the mma fighter hey babe come on in hey we're guessing black people's names no no no no no um odell what the [ __ ] his name darnell donald rawlings it's donnell it's donnell rollins i forgot his name i called him levar like levar burton yeah because i love star trek next generation yeah that's the same guy it's i think it's the same guy with yeah i think that's the same guy ready rainbow [ __ ] rainbow rainbow and he also did uh uh the [ __ ] de quintes no yeah he was kunta kente he was you could continue am i saying at the wrong world fabulously at least i'm not saying jokes a real guy yeah in real life oh yeah he was like the most like he was like he's like the most famous the most influential slave he was uh he was a big he was an influencer he dude if he had instagram back then he would have like a million followers you think probably you know that was like a big game changer for white people how how did it hit the asian community what uh roots [Laughter] at all i don't think it didn't hit at all bro i don't know that's what they they don't know what it is you mean ginger ginger i love ginger root ginseng root uh it was a big deal for i remember my family sitting around watching it roots yeah that was a big deal really because because no one there was no one talked about racism and no one talked about black by the way why am i a white guy talking about roots that's what you get internet you bag i'm out no i'm out let's go down though we'll edit it out we'll edit it out what about roots your favorite let me just say it was a weekly television event yes because back then they didn't have blu-ray and [ __ ] like that yeah and it was or streaming see how many downloads it got not downloaded so every week you would go it's thursday roots is on no i don't think everyone was like i can't wait to see them hobble this slave i think because that's the big thing is they really ran away yeah so they cut off half his foot no oh yeah that was and by the way it shined the light on slavery i think most people i don't even know if we learned much about slavery before then it was like oh yeah and then they were slaves but you know what we're all good now and then when roots came out it shined a very honest light on what what slavery was and i think most white people didn't think about it and it was a really big deal it was like the biggest i watched it again i watched it again recently yeah and my takeaway was like slavery was like a hundred and fifty years ago yeah like oh that's that's not that far yeah yeah and then you go i remember being like holy sh i remember we i watched it when the girls i think we watched it with the girls um when they were like ten and seven roots yeah that's what i watched it though oh yeah it's good did you and your family went watch almost done as well no if i read memoirs of a geisha i know you're not japanese i did read it you read it i read it why uh did you masturbate to it no no no i was going through a no way because white dudes love concubines no no you don't like hunky pads i've never been into asian chicks i know that sounds oh [ __ ] now we're going down a path i've never been but i never i i don't know the right way to say this try to i've only [ __ ] around with white chicks my whole life uh but we've only been with six people women by the same people a curiosity for outside of white i never met i just wasn't like i lived a pretty white life like i went to an all boys catholic high school uh there was i dated some cuban chicks mostly and then a couple rednecks and then i was out never dated a blackjack i hooked up with a blackjack once have you seen a uh uh asian woman's vagina live not a live live live peter like why would it be dead no but he you know magazine like i've seen hustler but i'm just saying in real life oh real time uh no i haven't you've never seen a wow but very tight is there a difference yeah there's a loose of vaginas that asian women have really why wouldn't they they queef in everything oh yeah it's fully functioning yeah yeah yeah yeah asian women have cuter queefs though it goes like this that's a lie and it does a little giggle when an asian woman you know i'm asian and my creeps do not sound like that you're half though you're half white so yeah are you half white yeah and you're filipino yeah i didn't realize filipino was asian for a long time i thought of spanish oh because it's close there's so every name this was the back when i used to do jokes like this every time you met like a filipino person in the audience they always had the whitest names except for you yeah yeah yeah but they they really do it's like reginald yeah joe coy and so and so but but the am i correct in saying philip the language sounds kind of spanish yeah so my dialect i don't speak tagalog i speak messiah and a lot of our words are in fact still spanish like all of our months of the year the days of the week the numbers like plates spoons forks it's all still spanish yeah is it okay this is a weird question first off i love joe coy before i start this okay do you ever as a person or as a comment everything everything do you ever as a filipino person do you ever just go watch joe and you're like i get it you're filipino like um that's a really good question i never thought about it i see it a lot and now i feel like i know more about uh filipino people because of joe right yes but um and i think it's more on my radar than it ever was but it's i wonder if i had a friend who was white and constantly talked about being white i'd be if i'd be like we get it you're white he so he he has something that he's like is this bad no no no no i don't even know i don't even know how i sound like i'm gonna defend him real quick i'm going to defend joey stop attacking him he's our friend go ahead babe well when you are when you are a mixed kid you're often mistaken for everything but what you are including me right so i've been called you know portuguese cuban like whatever it is and never filipino and never white so it's almost like family tucci italian people call you stanley yeah i do so i think that's where it comes from the need to be like you know what like this is what i am before you start guessing because the guessing game is awkward for me oh so maybe that's what they do as a white guy like it's like you know that you know when white people do that we're trying we're trying to connect we really are like it's we do i don't do it anymore but uh but we're trying to connect i did i take it back i did it last night i did it last night a greek woman and i and i started speaking spanish to her she goes i don't speak spanish and i went you don't speak spanish your accent's so thick though and she goes it's greek and i went no she was like oh yeah and i was like ah this is i'm just gonna get drunk and [ __ ] never mind i'm gonna defend joe cory real quick too i'm not attacking no sorry in the them because in the 90s because i met joe um the first year i did stand up in 1995. yeah we met at an open mic he had hair he had like a joke his hair looked like he had like curly hair he had glasses yeah he looked like a nerd but you could tell that he was something you know and um we met and it's like at that time there were no asians doing it we were the only ones yeah and so we were almost like forced to do talk about to make us seem different because there was another comedian named mark fernandez that we know right who refused yeah hold on that's that's yokoi hold on yeah hold on no easy he does looks so much better without hair [Laughter] he looks so yeah i know is this just a picture it's a picture it's a picture yeah wow if he grew that out it'd be curly really yeah yeah that's when i met him also another outlet can i finish my point though yeah yeah let me finish them i'm going to finish my point let me say that again let me finish my point so um we were forced to do it yeah because it's like mark fernandez refused to he was a filipino guy and like how come you don't do accents and goes i'm above that i want to do it right and mark didn't have the kind of career really at all and we did because i think we played into that whole thing but now when i still do it i still do it not as much as joe but i still go any asians here and i feel my heart drop yeah i lost it i feel guilty i hear what you're saying but like i'd also like to add one more thing to defend joe i'm not attacking i have to defend him from you this is [ __ ] um is that i'm such a colonizer yeah big colonizer energy so what jokoy does is i am proud i am filipino i'm one half filipino but [ __ ] it i take ownership of this identity and it's a great thing to be filipino which a lot of filipinos don't often feel so i think that he does a good job and a lot of white comics make fun of him and they push him why does he have to do that he'd bring up questions yeah this is turning around millions of filipino people so it's like you should call him i should call him yeah yeah call him on the phone yeah and defend him in front of him and do it but no he's not going to pick up he won't pick up i guarantee you he won't pick him up but let's try to facetime him facetime oh yeah he's not going to pick up that's about his hair what oh he almost looks younger without hair yeah he does he just turned 53 oh my god he did yeah i just showed i saw it on uh on uh chelsea's thing chelsea was doing a big thing some younger yes everyone in her family dates filipino people that's what i heard yeah oh interesting i don't yeah and so she was invited she was like happy birthday he's not gonna pick up i wonder if he'll pick up from me he's and he picks up for you it's going to break my heart he's facetiming oh there he is hey hi so i'm with bert hi chelsea chelsea handler hi hey hi joe are they on a yacht hi bobby are you guys on a yacht or a spaceship what the [ __ ] is that we're in a spaceship tes it's uh you know [Laughter] oh really you guys gay now are you guys are you gay now i've always been kind of gay exactly so um bert's been ripping on you no hold on that's not what happened so [ __ ] facetime him i'm facetiming him right now yeah yeah joe's been no i've been ripping on you [Laughter] he's turned the phone around he's a [ __ ] liar you can't trust koreans they [ __ ] everyone yeah yeah he's been kind of ripping on you so as long as bert's wearing [ __ ] flip-flops i can't take anything he says tell her tell her tell her i'm not just wearing flip-flops i'm wearing my flip-flops he's wearing his brand of flip-flops which is sad i love it send me a pair of birds i'll send you one pair chelsea goes barefoot i love you too i just want to let you know that bert's not saying good things all right that's a lie bye i love you that went well bert i noticed your pedicure you're into pedicures uh yeah i've always i've been into them for a long time mostly it was fun it's just fun to do with my daughters it's fun and i really like it look i mean i i have mine done too i thought your nail's done i could see it i i got my nails done and my feet done yeah oh so you got your let's start let's start the introduction though because we i don't like oh what we haven't even introduced no this is i love it [Music] [Music] [Laughter] he's in town and ready to go bobby lily you know what my um you know how my penis used to smell what it like remember because my penis i know what the [ __ ] problem was what a beastie eastie sorry no my penis used to smell because i for some reason the skin around the actual stem of it has grown and so it covers it like it's not circumcised and it it collects like a smell you know i mean when it's tucked in the headstock desk so what i've been doing lately every hour and now it's i just kind of re-untuck it oh so you god gave you back your foreskin yeah a little no i have to redo it constantly but my penis smells fine now all right so cool anyway what we got kalila in the room we got gilbert gibbel gilbert we got georgie georgie georgie we've got this cute guy right here what's his name again pedro pete pete petey peedy pedi and we've got one of my favorite people in the whole world uh he is one of the best stand-ups in the world um when i was in budapest hungary there was a fan remember i i was do you remember i called you yeah i did so i was in a um you know like a it was like a facial place and you know in budapest and some guy was talking to me because i was getting my facial mm-hmm and he goes so you do comedy i go yeah he goes i've never heard of you and i go oh that's fine because you know bro chrysler and i go yeah he's a good friend of mine he goes no you don't know him you don't know him right i know him and i and i [ __ ] facetimed him and i [ __ ] he picked up and it was and i got the [ __ ] facial for free yeah so i showed it to [ __ ] the guy right and then they did we talked they talked a little bit and then he was starstruck imagine me on the other side of the world liking somebody and then some guy sitting here saying i [ __ ] know him it was like the best hollywood [ __ ] right and you [ __ ] gave me a free facial bro so give him a round burt christ yeah yeah right sure so um you're making fun of my um gaming no no no no yeah you were i'm sure there's a big swath of america that goes i farm for real [Music] stitch fix you guys honestly um i hate shopping for clothes i hate going to the mall i hate any of that right and stitch fix is like a wizardry place right i'll tell you why you fill a little quiz of what you like and they they choose it for you it's like having your own personal stylist honestly you don't have to leave your home it comes right to your door you choose the items that you love and then you can ship the ones you don't intend to wear it's so freaking brainless and easy it works because i you know when i open up a box right i go how do they know i would wear all these because of the test you took exactly baby it's easy and fun to get started first take a few minutes to set up your stitch fix style profile answer a few questions about what you like to wear what you don't and how open you are to trying new styles for bobby and i we're a little bit more adventurous so they give us some pretty pretty cool pieces dude i'm a stylist dude like i'm uh you know very complex he has a fashion and they get it sign up today at stitchfix.com belly to get 20 off your first purchase that's stitchfix.com ability to get 20 off your first purchase limited time offer purchased within two days of sign up and now a word from our sponsor better help better help you guys um during the pandemic i use better how i still use it but um it really saved me you know saved my life therapy is just an indispensable part it is my life life can be babe sweetie yeah life can be overwhelming and many people are burned out without even knowing it and symptoms can include things you wouldn't even think about like what like what babe like for me it's irritability and fatigue fatigue it's such a big one lack of motivation is me baby better help online therapy wants to remind you to prioritize yourself talking with someone can help you figure out what's causing stress in your life better help is customized online therapy that offers a video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to and i promise you that's me some days i'm just curled up in bed in the dark and i just want to talk to someone on the phone this is a perfect feature for that and it's so cool because better help is way more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with the therapist in under 48 hours i love their journal feature it's customized baby online therapy and our listeners get ten percent off their first month at betterhelp.com check it out guys check it out once again that's betterhelp.com belly that's betterhalp.com belly well did you do you know the premise of stardew valley now like well no i know i know the premise is i know what premise i know is that uh bobby bobby's trying to stay sober and so he just disappears in into a farm for 12 hours yeah and farms on a video game which on paper sounds absolutely crazy yeah but i know the feeling like i so my addiction isn't oddly enough with alcohol and drugs it is with food and it's with video games like video games i'm not allowed to play because i get so into them everything washes away and and the last game i was allowed to play i bought uh a switch i bought two switches oh nice um sardoo's on switch stardew valleys on switch i can't do it okay because i i disappear okay so my wife i had tiger i was really into tiger woods golf yeah yeah so [ __ ] i mean like you have no idea how into tiger woods golf i was yeah and my wife came home from work and i was playing tiger woods golf and both girls were in the house they were babies and i wasn't paying attention to them and they were and my wife's like what the [ __ ] you doing and i was like huh and she took the plug away and and oh then got her out of psp she took the plug away from that said you're never allowed to play video games and i i was so into tony hawk's skater oh i was so into it i would see rails and i go oh i'd love to [ __ ] get that right i don't even skateboard really and i was like i could kick flip that rail slide down it [ __ ] pop off do an ollie yeah oh man i oh look at that light thing i could run all those lights all the way across you started looking at things in real life yeah fantasizing about them in this make-believe life that i was living yeah and and it's such a great way to because what all you want to do is shut your brain off because i don't want my brain to talk to me and so video games oh i did it today i told you i woke up with a searing panic attack and blood pressure 160 over 100 and i'm that's not good and uh what's mine babe you've gone a little bit better you're under 120 now but your diastolic is still a little high but have i ever gone to 160 yes you have you've been up to the 180s yeah okay and 160s went like that's that's not good yeah yeah and so normally my blood pressure is 127 over 75. which is fine but uh and i've been working out hard but i had two days of hard partying and today i was like i need something and i got into my phone and i got on tick-tock and i just started scrolling to shut my brain off just to shut my go into this search and find something usually it's like surfing or disc golf and i just start scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and then i calm down and i'm like okay why don't you try [ __ ] meditation i can't do it yes you can nope i'll tell you what you do you ready ready i'm asian i know i do the call map i do the call map and i close my eyes and i wait for someone to smack me and then i'm going someone's walking in the room right now someone's walking in the room yeah someone's going to slap me in the face someone's going to throw water on me like i don't have that my bro but you're already going it's going against what [ __ ] meditation is those thoughts of somebody going to smack me someone's going to you do it piano pee on your face do you think something's good do you think people are going to pee on your face no i don't think so okay that's what i think okay but why don't you do this one of the most valuable things my therapist ever said was you don't need to close your eyes to meditate because i had that same fear i had a very distrust of my surroundings yeah so she was like just sit in place and have a focus a very soft focus on something and start there you don't have to have because sometimes that throws me into a panic a panic attack when my eyes are closed and all of a sudden i'm like awake to the world and it's over stimulating what you do what you do what you do what you do is this okay you close your eyes right you don't have to close your eyes he's heard of his eyes closed my with my eyes closed i start i feel very vulnerable right so you cannot you can do soft focus on something can you go to a [ __ ] room and lock the door no what you don't have any locks at your [ __ ] house no i've tried my i tried meditating in my bedroom on my recliner right uh-huh get my recliner and our dog moana just starts barking and then i start going [ __ ] mona shut the [ __ ] up and then i get up go ahead that's that thought of mona shut the [ __ ] up is also okay it's part of the meditative process of learning to have ten thousand thoughts but not engaging not grabbing on to the thought just being like that's a passing thought that's a passing guy i think of it this way you pop the it's like a bubble yes a thought is a bubble right so if i'm sitting there like this ah i wonder if my dick smells right now mm-hmm i have those thoughts too right right right on top shall i untalk right but i don't know and i pop it the bubble and it drifts away right and i just i focus on my breathing right and and as as i keep doing it it becomes the thoughts become less and less right and i do it for like 30 minutes and by 30 minutes i can get to a point where it's pretty much silent and he has a dd he has a better medi he meditates way longer than me minor like max 10 minutes i can i can do the calm app for 10 minutes but i need a guided meditation i need someone to to like because i if i just sit there with my thing what are you doing yeah [ __ ] you doing get up go work out how about a spot you i go to the spa every night you want to go to the spa with me no i drink i know i know i know like like that's my i like his own sauna yeah i do a sauna and i do a polar plunge every day i do 60 minutes in the sauna throughout a week in 11 minutes i try to do over 11 minutes in the polar plunge every week and you have that in your house i got in my house wow and then i got a gym and i got a treadmill so normally what i do like if i'm if i'm like peter knows i'm i'm firing a little hot today and so uh it's like really hot and so i'll probably go home and get on my treadmill and maybe open a box of wine and and try to have a like a little glass of wine and walk on the treadmill and then break a sweat go in the sauna polar plunge jump in the pool and then go to bed why do you drink the wine now uh it stops stops my crazy thoughts i think i know but that's the problem right well no i don't need to drink the wine but like i like i like to i know you don't want but here's my problem here's here's my concern okay all right i love you dude and i feel like i feel like i you know i mean i'm at a point with you that i just tell you how i feel about it okay right and i'm not i'm not a medical person so i can't diagnose you with anything okay i cannot diagnose anyone in the right right and i only have my assumptions and the things that i can go on right what i what go ahead is this solicited or unsolicited advice though oh it's definitely unsolicited yeah yeah you know what you're writing definitely you're right you're right you know what i'm not gonna give my advice no i have a feeling your advice is you're looking at me and you think i'm fat [Music] no i do look at your body but i don't you know what the thing is is that when they go what describe burke chrysler i wouldn't go fat i don't say fat either i would say he's stocky i'm not stalking yeah you're stalking you're stumped you're like like a big red tree if you chop it down that's what you are i'm jolly jolly's a good one you have no idea how many [ __ ] santa claus scripts i've gotten yeah you have no idea i have a million i had a i was like every time i get a call they're like hey man movie they really really want you and i'd be like don't say santa claus and they're like keep your mind open it's it's a different type of santa claus yeah i'm like i don't [ __ ] want to play santa claus yeah i always get elf and it really bothers me don't don't say elf elf yeah but it's different they're doing an asian angle right did it hurt you that you were never called for like the hobbit or any of the lord of the rings stuff oh god this is the rudest question i've ever heard you said you've been called elf so it's like wait elves are cool but were you first of all they're an age there are no asians in the middle earth those those movies are made before inclusion well they'll be inclusion can be a little distracting like sometimes like i remember watching greece on tv yeah and the one they did the musical on tv and it was like half and half white and black yeah and i remember just going like no one's going to talk about how progressive this high school is 1950 but they kept the racist asian line on there yeah there's a there's a racist asian line in greece what is it and i can't see white people don't even they don't even queue onto it how many times have you [ __ ] seen greece bro wait wait wait let me see if i can how many times have you seen it though uh a million all right right so there's one line in there that's a little uncomfortable for me hold on let me see if i can figure it out yeah just the line in the movie it's a situation yeah it's a situation but it involves asians uh um i'm trying to think can i tell you this yes i'm gonna see slumber party okay oh oh uh it's is it oh [ __ ] i wanna watch greece now to see yeah yeah wait is it it's gotta be the the [Laughter] that's not what happened yeah yeah no it was um so there's a girl that shows photos of her boyfriend or something oh yeah right i know yeah and she why did you do this why did you go doesn't she no no no and she said something about like this is him in korea and somebody goes oh you're dating a korean no he's in the military silly or something like that oh you're dating a career oh that well i guess you know but it's but it's yeah i guess that is kind of pretty [ __ ] up that would never resist with me as a white guy i go i go well yeah it's 1950. well the line should be oh cool you're dating a korean that's amazing i've never met it where did you weep i've never i've never met a [ __ ] before yeah even that would have been nicer it would be i've never met one of those ching chungs it could be very it would be very distracting if in lord of the rings they had all these white hobbits and then bobby like it would be you'd be like yeah oh cool yeah he lives on the east of the shire they look different there you know i auditioned i didn't audition i did uh i did a uh read for who's the guy that did that movie peter peter jackson peter jackson so i dressed they we went down there to his big thing in where his studio is down there in new zealand and they dressed me up as gandalf like legit gandalf and uh and i did her i did like an audition for him for gandalf for gandalf i put it on what the heck that how long ago was that a long time ago yeah well that's how elijah wood got the movie oh yeah he filmed it himself so he filmed it himself and gave it to him and so they dressed me up as gandalf and i told peter jackson i said i'm going to give a real for you that's not real there's no you're not gandalf you're dwarf you're a dwarf in the in that world dude i looked so much like [ __ ] gandalf if burt was gandalf oh my god can you pull up type in bert gandolf i'm sure you'll i look i might look just like [ __ ] it's online i'm sure yeah what's your beef with santa and not gandalf yeah that's that's a good question baby good question i don't hate santa it's just like i feel once you do santa then you're done oh you think oh yeah like yeah like yeah you do santa and then they're like oh good and then if you do it well yeah that's me [Laughter] she says let me see the book this is my auditions also i forgot to mention this the map comes the key it's very small here it is don't lose it living a little bit lose it keep it safe put this key i'm going to add a little bit on this just go let me get mine if i just do the words i'm doing mckellen okay here we go i'm going to use the word and then okay okay just go with it also with this map comes the key very curious keep the smoky keep it with you at all times i suggest a nice piece of leather wrapper on the neck with the keyhole right through the dog i thought it would make sure it's pretty good yeah did i mention don't lose it and the map don't lose that either if you lose the key but have the map it's no good and if you have to keep it you don't have the map then where are we very wow wow yeah that's great yeah yeah yeah that's great i can't believe you didn't get that i know yeah i know there's a i i i didn't attempt to do an english accent or nothing that was an english accent [Music] that's just not good you're just a deeper voice all my accents end up asian like i i always start them noble like a pirate and then no i am gundolf oh [Music] that's good yeah but i was doing my own version again all right he's like a nondescript you know why does he have to have a british accent he can be anything thank you by the way they do that for everything if you ever notice like german movies all the germans have british accents like whenever they do nazis they're all british accents i just watched a movie i'm watching it's called the great it's about catherine the great yeah yeah they all have british accents yeah and but i i think americans are so stupid that if we hear a british accent we go oh yeah that's german no really would sound if they spoke english i mean that's what they did with the show chernobyl yeah i think everything was but i think if germans had an english accent back in the day when they were doing the [ __ ] holocaust thing it wouldn't be as scary like go into go into the shower you're like oh all right i'll go take a shower germans if german said an english accent it wouldn't be allowed on the train please just one by one single file yeah get a queue get a little gear here i'm gonna put a tattoo on your arm right a little tattoo yeah yeah it doesn't sound that bad the holocaust doesn't sound as bad yeah with an english accent but you were in the dictator yeah i never saw sasha bangkok in this movie yeah you're talking about the interview the interviews yeah yeah yeah i was not in that can you believe that that ruined all the people that worked at sony really crazy that's yeah that movie oh yeah i mean they [ __ ] leaked all their emails because of that oh that's right and they all lost their jobs because they were just regular people like have you ever looked at your in your texts and just to see like how good or bad you are like to type in type in the n word in your in your search text what see if anyone's ever typed mine up right now said if anyone's ever said you're curious wait so in my email no no no right here right here right here scroll down all my messages yeah all right so this is interesting first let's start slow let's go with okay all right so wow hold on oh i'm gonna go k-u-n-t no no it's c i don't see you who do you just say who you've had all right so i'm gonna so i'm gonna tell you the three three came up with ari shafir was number one number two you oh yeah yeah and number three josh price my top are you my second is um tiger belly crew delusional okay what about you bert i think that one came up not really but i can't i can't i can't i can't really read it i either like you show it to you and you'll go what the [ __ ] yeah yeah or that's right you want to try the n-word now yep let's go all right i'm like nothing whoa oh wow yeah oh yeah how many not for me though i have one from a friend of mine who is i would have never thought it would come from but it comes out after she says [ __ ] christian something yeah yeah i have four have four tell me with who who [Music] [Laughter] just bleep them right now the names yeah yeah this is interesting i feel so how many do you have bert a lot it's all from this it's all from the same person how many well i have a lot of black friends too oh yeah yeah so that's typed in there but i can't i can't really say this one i'll tell you can you bleep this out it's a tweet he must have sent and so it's it's so all the ones i have are are times people have said it and people are going hey did you see dot dot no one's using it yeah they're talking about did you see dot dot dot and uh and so yeah it's i i did that i did that for i did that my email one time because i i'm a good person but i don't know you know like yeah so i think i typed it in my email my search to see if i've ever it's ever been emailed to me uh or i've ever emailed it and it came up and it was in my book i wrote it in my book and i was like oh [ __ ] but it's not it was it was a it was growing up in florida that word i'm also 49. so like growing up in florida that word i had a joke that had that word in it and and and uh and i wrote in my book about going to school with tallahassee i was the first time i actually like heard like people saying it i went it was like caught us off guard but um yeah i tried it it's a terrible world word world and a word yeah word yeah i hate it but okay what are you gonna ask me can we do something positive like can we let's google something let's do i mean let's start something positive okay okay one positive word what what what's a positive word though uh let's not love that's today rainbow rainbow's a good one i'm never gonna have that let's see rainbow ooh i have a lot of rainbows rainbow rolls from rainbow roll sushi i have i have soul food two rainbows it's all mine's all food too rainbow beet hilarium salad miner for my best friend gardo and then esther hey bobby matt and i are trying to start an anti-rainbow movement oh what it's not positive i swear to god happy pride month i know but that's literally what somebody [ __ ] texted me hey bobby matt and i are trying to start an anti-rainbow movement did you reply no like the actual rainbow they're trying i don't know anything about like first is this guy's i've never responded to this guy no yeah there's no there's no oh yeah yeah wait they're actually trying to stop rainbows or the rainbow movement i have no idea man yeah i have no idea do you have any rainbows a couple yeah yeah yeah give me something one more let's do one more positive one more um how about uh love love is too much it's in everything it's in everything who's your top anal sex ain't no name sex is good anal sex is with [Laughter] i have one two three four five six i have oh i'll tell you who minds with so anal i got number one hit was pete and carlos herrera number two is sosi bacon yeah and number three is jules talking about expressing our dog's anal glands i had one guy can't say his name but he says i'll get the chinese anal covet test too okay i have no idea what that means [Laughter] i think you have anal issues [Laughter] uh is that so you saying to somebody or someone to say it to you someone said it to me yeah yeah uh i think she used to do anal she has anal herpes okay yeah yeah uh but anal make one whole oh this has got to be bad what is it confucius say sorry are you real [Music] oh you guys sea geek is my jam i'll tell you why per chrysler right he's doing shows i might do something fully loaded right that's where you get your tickets siki when i bought juliana um her harry styles tickets i went to seed cake when i buy my dodger game tickets i go to sneak peek when i watch bobby lee at the improv i go to seed geek yeah whether it's concerts baseball basketball football festivals or anything else sea geek puts tickets from all over the web in one place to make buying simple sea cake rates every ticket from zero to ten to make sure you're getting a good deal green means good red means bats that's pretty easy to follow don't you think i love it you can get 20 off your first purchase with the promo code belly at seatgeek.com or on the seatgeek app that's promo code belly for 20 off your first seek geek order seek geek get your seat in a seat download the app today when you nourish your body you can transform your life with zecara's delicious plant-rich meal delivery program and functional wellness essentials you can be in the driver's seat of your own health and experience true transformation we have sakara at home dude and i get like new really good pure nutrients inside my body and their salads are so they're so good you guys sakara is a wellness company anchored in food as medicine on a mission to nourish your body through the power of plants also they're like they're nutritionally designed chef crafted breakfasts lunches and dinners are made with powerful plant-rich ingredients helping boost your energy support your digestion curb your sugar cravings and get your skin glowing i love the glowing skin plus it's all delivered right to your door oh i love their protein powders have you had their protein powder of course i do that's what i live on plant protein powders they also have teas you guys they have the metaboli they have the metabolism super powder and they have their newest functional snack bobby the super seed and nut blend you guys these are organic ready to eat meals that are so delicious chef crafted and you can get breakfast lunch or dinner absolutely guys and right now sakara is offering our listeners 20 off their first order when they go to sakara.com belly or enter code belly at checkout that's sakara s-a-k-a-r-a.com belly to get 20 off your first order sakara.com you want to look like bobby at 50 with his smooth glowing skin [Music] then start with sakara [Music] let me let me we talked about earlier i don't know if the camera with your cameras are on but so in terms of comments right when people do negative comments yeah because i'm trying not to read that [ __ ] yeah right because it spins my whole day or it just move it just switches my day around it's amazing it's amazing that someone i mean i almost want to send them money that's how good they are like nailing my insecurities yeah they're it's so amazing what are your insecurities uh i'll tell you that somebody can comment on that's going to hurt your feelings i'll tell you uh number one is um uh i'll tell you things that don't hurt people say that i [ __ ] dogs that doesn't hurt me like there's certain things like me too doesn't hurt me that i smell like [ __ ] i [ __ ] dogs uh yeah yeah like tom and i used to have jokes that i was like the most racist comic in america so that that kind of is not on the radar because i know that whoever's typing it is a fan and they're trying to make a joke yeah uh i what really [ __ ] bothers me is when someone and it happens so much is they whittle me down to a guy that has one bit and just is an alcoholic who takes his shirt off because i because i clearly i'm working on my fourth special clearly i i'm more than that yeah and i know it's not true but man it like i remember i can tell you different times i read that specific comment we're like you mean the [ __ ] hack that just takes his shirt off and gets drunk on stage and i go i go yeah i can see how you see that yeah but but it's not accurate but like that one [ __ ] me up um i have the same exactly it has the exact same thing because people go like god bless bob saget yeah but he would always whenever i would run into him he goes hey it's the naked guy the guy or he would say then the guy that needs to get laughs by getting naked yeah right and used to hurt my husband oh it's the hardest i've ever left do you remember me sending you that nest cam video no oh yeah from your house the hardest i've ever laughed yeah when you get naked i guess the hardest i've ever laughed my girls and i are getting ready to go to school leanne everyone's in the living room leanne leanne is was really good friends with tiffany haddish's grandmother yeah so they used to work at lowry's together so leanne knew tiffany haddish's new of tiffany way before anyone like because she works with miss uh what i forgot her grandma's name so um so i said hey we're doing goddamn comedy jam i said you gotta see tiffany tiffany really kills it and she goes really and i swear we play tiffany and the girls are sitting there and and the girls it's very moving tiffany murdered she murdered it murdered it and so we have tears in our eyes it's that moving and then i go all right let's go to school and then bobby leaves next and i go oh wait bobby's up hold on we should watch bobby bobby is very funny and you start getting naked and i can't stop laughing i'm crying and i go he's taking his dick out his dick's in the oh my god and leanne's like girls girls and they're like is he naked mom and they're little girls at the time and i'm like and i'm like and i can't stop laughing i was the hardest laugh and i screamed i went to the nest cam and i grabbed me laughing and sent it to you yeah because i was like yeah but that everyone could do that like there's a way to whittle down anyone's act yeah and and and regurgitate it to them that's going to hurt their feelings yeah i mean by the way we could do it to the best comics i won't because that's not my it's not what i do yeah i'll tell you this i i saw i saw i'm going to try to speak in code so that no one can find what i'm talking about but i saw a woman who who is oh uh who you could say uh whitney cummings no okay no no no i love this game um she posted a picture of herself in a bikini and she maybe she doesn't have what society deems as the perfect body okay and so um so i i read the comments and i was like i was like i'm curious that's really putting yourself out there i seldomly actually put myself out there i i i i think i'm like i don't take put pictures of my daughters on my feed if they end up in a story that's fine but i don't do that because we had some some legit issues with just horrific horrific human beings and so and so i don't do that with my girls too much uh at all really so and but i i stayed in my comments because i just don't need it i don't need it i'm having a great day i i i look at my comments the way i look at a scale what the [ __ ] why am i gonna look at that and ruin my day yeah like i i'm i'm in a good mood i feel good about myself if i get on twitter i go to verified and because anyone who's verified is a real person yeah they're not going to say anything shitty and if they do maybe i need to hear it right so um so i go into this this woman's comments and i start reading them and they're all very very positive and then i read the negative ones and that the negative ones said so much about the person leaving it that i it was so clear to me yeah that i saw that and i went oh oh that's the 9th grade boy who just isn't happy with himself yeah and then and then the ones that were great were you see like the ones that really affected people where it was there was an overweight widow and she said you know my husband's past but i wish i had been brave enough he had asked me for a long time to wear a bikini he said he loved what i looked like and i didn't and i wish i had your bravery to to show my body because he's no longer with us and i'll never now i'll never get the opportunity to wear a bikini it was like like so it's like the comment sections and then you know there's obviously a bunch of yes queen and go girl and firefighter those ones there's so many of them at a certain point there it's almost like it's almost like uh white noise you're like like you you're commenting more to let everyone know you're a good person like but the heartfelt ones but the negative ones were so shitty that i was like i was like [ __ ] i i used to not care at all when we tom and i started fat shaming i was like oblivious and and i would read comments that were making fun of me that were so [ __ ] hilarious yeah like when our fans used to [ __ ] with us that was i'm saying i i would i end up reading the comments and crying laughing i remember at one point someone said uh phrase burt christ brent crystals or whatever they'd [ __ ] my name up brent crystals says at least once a day and i read up to that point and i swear to god i said ma'am can i get some mayonnaise and his line was ma'am can i get some mayonnaise i swear to god and i i started laughing so far wow wow yeah and so but i stay out of the comments leanne will read everything liam reads everything yeah but she's like she's doesn't give a [ __ ] look i i wanted to ask you earlier when leanne ripped um the chord from your video games and said you've this is done were you done yeah i never i've never played a video i mean i got i got a switch this summer but uh over the summer i got a switch but i haven't really played it i started playing tiger woods but i couldn't really figure it out because video games have changed so much you need to have an internet connection i played it all wrong with you what do you mean i should have done a leanne way early on what about another one yeah that is true lian's a a bad [ __ ] she is she uh i i i don't but that [ __ ] woman but i think if if we had kids then it's an issue yeah you mean i mean for i mean no offense i'm just saying if i'm playing video games and there's kids running around and you're doing everything i think that you have every right to pull the cord got it okay right but we don't have no kids right right yeah yeah but okay so i'll flip it back to you and give you oh flip it back doc what's up unsolicited go ahead so what about like what about this is gonna sound crazy but what about starting a garden like a real thing i've always asked you that because you love farming you keep laughing okay all right so hey hey pal hey pal check it out bert pal hey pal yeah pal all right so let me tell you something i love i know you're bobby lee okay let me just say something to you okay stop [ __ ] doing this all right okay all right what i'm saying is it's just not a farming simulation right okay you build things you you go you fight monsters you know you oh there's oh there's so many other things there girl you keep giving gifts to on right now i'm giving gifts to meru because i want her to be my wife so wait so wait hold on so there's it's an rpg it's a it's an rpg what's why are you looking at him what does it mean because he knows what rpg means role playing game yeah but so okay so you basically close this is the game it sounds like okay so you're in bed with kalila and then all sudden your alarm goes off you're like [ __ ] sun's up i gotta go start my game and you you put on your overalls and you put on your virtual goggles and you just start milking cows that's the game oh this is so less interesting than i thought it would be no look at that oh i thought i thought you actually could like see yourself pulling corn up you do you do this right here let me say something right here all that stuff that this guy has he you have to build you put the ground down because when you first start off right gilbert you're it's just you have nothing it's just trees it's just sweet yeah yeah wait so um this seems so like what so you just walk around and like get on a horse and then walk into this field and no you no it's not just that bro bro you have to plow you have to put fertilizer down you have to plant crops you know i mean but have you maybe if you tried doing that in this in the real world i don't have listen i live in no but maybe get a piece of land and then wake up every morning and go out and farm maybe you like farming people like people like farming he doesn't like sunshine i don't like sunshine okay you know what i mean i get my sunshine from here maybe like a do you have a you have a tanning game you do i mean this sounds i know that i know that i sound like the guy i sound like the guy that i was when the internet came out and i was like okay so you're telling me one day i'll get my groceries on the internet and then my buddy's like yeah that's how that'll work and i'll be like okay okay and i'll just i'm not going to movies anymore i'll just go watch it on my tv okay why didn't you play golf when you were playing tiger woods you played tiger woods right he was crazy can i tell you what's crazy yeah is um i played pebble beach okay and and on the third hole i stopped and i went i've played this course before see and my dad goes what i go down oh my god i've i've played this course hundreds of times yeah i know where to lay up i know where to hit yes this is gave you the edge yeah because i played it so much on tiger woods that on on on the back nine on i think maybe 14 i drove the green because i knew you could drive the green over the trees and i told the caddy who's only played in real life his name's slick or something i told him i said uh i think this green's drivable and he said it's not i said with a little bit of tailwind it's drivable you just gotta go over those trees he goes no you can't go over those trees you won't make it and i said i think i can and i and it was an obnoxious thing so if you go to drive a green you have to wait until that party's off the green so you're actually kind of holding people up so everyone teed off and he said he said i think it's all i think it's uh i think it's i can tell you exactly what it is i think it's whole 15. and so [Laughter] and so i [ __ ] waited i waited and i drove the [ __ ] green and he goes i've never seen anyone drive the green here and i said i drive the green here all the time this is my shot this is where i make up strokes yeah i will say this about his knowledge about farming and mahogany trees and sturgeon fish his knowledge of everything is pretty impressive post-apocalyptic that could really come to good use yeah if we are an apocalypse and yeah that is insane that bobby would be the most useful man in apocalypse because all he's been doing is farming virtually yeah he knows how to extract caviar or like everything yeah from the game you make caviar in the sturgeon yeah i yeah i guess sturgeon row and i make caviar out of it in these barrels okay i know how to just see wine yeah you know it would be fuller yes if you really made caviar it's argued that the best part of caviar is not virtually making it it's actually eating it that's true it's like we i got a i got an oculus brian simpson came to my house and he was like man he knew me so much better than i knew myself he goes uh he's like hey uh uh i gotta brought my oculus you should try it out and so i tried it out and i was blown away and then peter who's like a little bit of a like nerd but he knows stuff like you guys do he uh he was like you know they have vr sex and i went that that'll [ __ ] me up forever i do it i've done it yeah yeah the vr porn i know it's the best can you do it while you're having sex with an actual person that would be [ __ ] awesome no i've never done that and the person's just what's the problem the problem with vr but the vr porn is you know i mean so you're laying there so the feet because you could the feet stick out and it's always a white dude right so it throws me off a little bit wait uh yeah so my legs are pretty white sweetheart no but it's long and it doesn't have the kind of scent so when i'm on the vr the feet come out and it's like uh you know ari shafir's legs and so i had to get used to that first i got i guess those are my legs right and a girl comes in and she's like you're laying there again right and then they come up and they'll come up and they'll go off screen and pretend you're they're kissing you oh you like that i do like that but now when i look with my vr it's just black space so it throws me off yeah so then i can't turn you know i mean if i turn like this like it throws me out so i just go like this and then i start getting erect right and it's like it's weird it it feels like the real thing but in certain spots it's black so you it just throws you off a little bit i was attracted to one asian chick really attracted to her you i just because i was sitting here going i've always found asian chicks hop i never like knew any that i was like that i courted one really [ __ ] hot she didn't like it did she no you know we're actually still friends i've been bad with that like sometimes i here's been my problem is i've never been good at a first kiss but i've had two occasions this and another girl who were two of the most beautiful women i've ever seen without a doubt and they told both of them told me at one point the problem is uh uh guys some of the effect of all guys just want to do is have sex or or hook up with me no one wants to be my friend and they share that with me in this and once they share that with me i go well i can't try to kiss them now because i'm betraying the fact they just shared something with me and so i don't know if they're doing it to let me know don't kiss me but i know i've never i never kissed them i remember i was in bed with one girl and we were talking we were giggling just [ __ ] around you know talking oh [ __ ] it's my daughter hanging out with me that's right that's right hang on what's up yeah [Laughter] it's a friend you're on a podcast what do you need oh i was gonna i was just asking where mom lies oh she's in the podcast studio she's doing a podcast with lacey that hurt so bad that's worse than any comment it's not even who's that who that who that no she wasn't doing an issue yeah yeah yeah yeah um so those so but one of the girls was asian and uh beautiful i think she was filipino i think i don't know no i don't think so i don't either i'm not good right be honest you have your own very specific style that i respect but that's not a good thing that's not a good thing okay yeah i think you kiss exactly like how i imagine esther pavitski kisses you just go for it and it's aggressive and it's full of tongue right out the gate oh wait that's me that's me too that's me yeah yeah i like a lot of i like to be in there yeah yeah even on the first kiss you don't start slow you just no no no no no no i don't do bottom lip work oh like you do no i do slow and sensual you're like let's go for it yeah i like the mouths closed and have it like a machine yeah that's you yeah right so the tongues go and turn it on it just opens and then yeah yeah yeah yeah i like i uh i offer out my lip because it's really great i have a great bottom lip [Laughter] i learned how to eat [ __ ] by watching cat house like i had never known i i had done this thing that i had in in eighth no ninth grade no it must been 10th grade 10th grade we were at andre corwin's house and they had a playboy and they said the thing to do was to uh to put your lips around or suck it in and then and then go take your tongue and just go and so i that's what i did and it did not work for i mean i don't think it worked for anybody my policy is do not suck on the labia please yeah why does not feel good for me i don't know if some women like it but that is that is way too much it's like over stimulating yeah i think you're gonna go light light touches light touches licking light licking leanne would go you're you're she's like i'm not critiquing you it's just you makes me feel like i got to take a bit yes it's too much it's too much how about this how about new rule you shut the [ __ ] up why it's my pleasure i know i'm just just listen to what i'm saying what i'm saying just hear me out right your best all right right i'm down there right i have the outfit on whatever it's the outfit it's just not it's not it's like no no it's not that it's just i have my own outfit on samurai it's not a literal outfit it's what i imagine i'm wearing okay like a cape yeah okay yeah i mean and and like a sea helmet from the future yeah but you're not a big [ __ ] eating guy i am i just don't think that my style you don't like it no it's okay here's the thing with you you don't seem like you're really in it you you do it you like you phone it in see that hurts my feelings because i'm doing 100 my best i don't think so yeah yeah i am i am i'm doing my best i'm here to tell you that's not your 100 wow how do you know what my limits are you know why why you never look up and check to see where i'm at i don't look lock eyes that's creepy no vicky like does she like it does she not like no i'm doing a job i'm not gonna look if i'm working in a factory right and i'm let's say i'm working at a factory i'm not going to look at the boss and go how am i doing you see how leanne was like hey no i'm doing the job can i tell you it might not right my favorite part is to look up as a matter of fact so much that the porn that i started watching the most yeah was pov of looking up because that's my favorite part leanne looks the hottest thank you from that angle also you know what that says to me is that you care how it feels for me oh yeah i i i enjoy i enjoy going down on liam more than having sex with her he thinks it's just a form of artistic expression yeah no no no no i don't know here's what the deal i would never have a company with you why because you're like for me it's like i'm looking at the floor at people that are working that are working for me okay they better be doing their job if they're locking eyes with me like we have a company together i know but we don't have a lot of employees and these two they'd never look at me right looked out of this book yeah yeah they're doing their [ __ ] jobs right and when i'm down there working right with your vagina right i'm not gonna lock eyes because i'm focused on one [ __ ] thing i have a question go ahead why do you like it so much when i look up at you oh you got me there because i'm not a good employee i like it when you cross your eyes babe cross your eyes like she's special needs i like it when you cross your eyes yeah yeah yeah they bother naturally that way yeah yeah i like it when it's like this i try so hard don't i and i ask questions i can't come what about i can't come that way i can't come down what i've never come through a [ __ ] oh you might be gay then i'm not i don't think so bobby i know that's my favorite one how long does it take though i that's the fun of it you don't know let me tell you something lyanna's top notch at that and i don't know if it's because most of her family can't read but she is a home run hitter to the point when the first one i got from her i went okay i'll marry her oh wow well how long does it take it takes a while and i like that no like what 30 minutes so sh i look i don't know what leanne does no i don't know not 30 minutes yeah i don't know what she does so two things happen number one i [ __ ] are my favorite that's my favorite and so uh but it does take a while because what the fun of it is that it builds it builds it builds lean does this thing i don't know how i can't explain it really but it's kind of like you ever seen a mom clean up her kids ice cream cone on a hot summer day yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and so so and but she leanne in a weird way kind of reads my body and then just it's almost like she's just flicking me like to get me over the edge and then and then all of a sudden at that time you're holding onto the [ __ ] side of the bed going like oh and i'm not a talker during sex yeah and it um that's the best but then what happened is dr drew's wife told leanne you don't need to give him a full [ __ ] every time just give him one to start him off and that set that awakens everything for me and then the sex is better so like sometimes you just go down there for like three minutes two minutes and that'll wake everything up but uh but it's crazy she sighs i don't sigh yeah yeah when she's instead of gagging she's yeah she goes well that's only because he's like can you be brandon and i have to be like i'm brandon guys brandon you like this there's only one [ __ ] thing we do we did one [ __ ] role play as brandon coach what's wrong and for you to bring that up every [ __ ] time is [ __ ] wrong all right all right i like brandon he's a good dude and he's he's over 18. all right so it's not weird all right oh that's so funny or unhelpful advice can you be brandon oh you want it yeah yeah i know football is with bert sure hey guys uh my name is jung i'm 25 i currently reside in portland i'm had i've had trouble adapting and talking to people and creating relationships due to my trauma as a kid like yourself i was also physically abused by my father but in my mind right now i knew i deserved it because i was very ungrateful and didn't realize how blessed we are though through my trauma i'm now not able to look at people in the eye especially girls and with the pressure of being the oldest son in the family it's getting to me because i'm getting older and my current outlook i don't think i can meet their expectations i just want my family to be happy and proud of me but right now i'm having a hard time with my current outlook meeting those expectations in short i'm scared to be alone in the future with nobody and i just want to know how can i meet my family's expectations of being successful and creating relationships i'm confused does he want you know or does he want to make his family happy i think both but also i think he's nervous that he literally cannot look at women in the eye and he was that way he won't have a wife i was that way women and cops used to [ __ ] i looked at women like police officers whoa like i couldn't like whenever i got pulled over when i was like 19 i would i wouldn't lock eyes with them and with women was the same thing really yeah i was just so scared of both you know and then one day i realized that oh i'm never gonna get them i'm never gonna get cops to like me and i'm never gonna get women so why worry about it and then once i had that adjustment in my mind it was fine i could look at cops in the eyes and look at women in the eyes you know it's just it's like you got to get sick and tired of being sick and tired of that feeling also it's like all that [ __ ] is motiva like for me and people are going to say i'm wrong but the whole reason why i did stand up in the first place is so that women would like me right and it for me were it's sad but it's like the first woman that i didn't have to pay for that had sex with me was when i did stand up i was 23 years old and we have told the story million times and um so use it as a motivation fact motivating factor that's actually a pretty insightful thing because uh i'll take it one further and this is what rogan would say go and take a class in something that like jiu jitsu that has you deal with conflict so i have really bad anxiety by the way i wanted to compliment you guys i was having horrible anxiety all day today and i haven't thought about it once i've been here um it's been so fun yeah it's been fun as [ __ ] the um but doing stand-up or taking a class or doing something like so i have social anxiety and i know this doesn't seem like it would be real but like uh going doing something new getting in a line getting a table um like when everyone goes and says oh we'll go grab the food you grab a table that [ __ ] me up really bad getting in a line [ __ ] me up you know that i just will not stand on the line i cannot stand the line it makes me crazy um going into a class like going into um like a spin class and i love spin classes it gives me so much anxiety especially like and it has from my childhood because my mom would like i remember i wanted the luke skywalker uh doll and whatever thing and my mom we went into a toy store and my mom didn't really know what it was she was like do you have like the luke skywalker thing and this some kid was like i don't think so and i remember my mom turning me and she goes so what do you want to do now and i remember melting down and being like do not involve me in this equation i'm [ __ ] six like just you talk to the guy get us the [ __ ] out of here yeah and so i can't i have a hard time so i used to challenge myself by going to spin classes or a yoga class dude yoga class is the [ __ ] ultimate worst for me because especially in la because you gotta show up you gotta sign up you gotta go and then the second the door's open everyone races for a spot to put their mat and it's like [ __ ] mayhem mats and mats and mats i am mush i am melting the [ __ ] down so but taking a class i like i went to do jiu jitsu and uh because i was like because rogan was he was like man if you get into jiu jitsu that confrontation will do you good daily confrontation will do you good and i went and i had the hardest time i couldn't even i didn't even know what to say cause i was like i'm so overwhelmed by everything and eddie bravo was so nice but i just was like i love eddie i was like i i j he was like come back tomorrow and i was like it's never gonna happen yeah just left and i was like that's i was sweating and shaking at the end and i know that sounds crazy but stand-up was like that for me when i started to go up to a club and say like hey man how do i oh but then you then you do it and your confidence level builds and you become very confident and go oh i'll go i remember the last one i had to do that was like that oh my god uh london comedy store so i i'm flying back from somewhere from like amsterdam or something yeah and they're like hey uh my manager's like we got you a spot at the stop this comedy store in london and i was like okay and i had a camera crew with me we were filming a documentary and so i was going to stand up is different in london it will it's and i don't no one knows me yeah and so i go over and i walk up i'm like hey you know i'm comfortable enough to be like i think i have a spot and the guy looks down and goes not here above and i'm like there's a black dude too big black dude not here brav another place another day and i was like i was like no i think i do and he goes no not tonight know everyone on the list and like there's a comic stand in there and he goes who are you i saw him a comic from the states he goes that's all you guys do come over here and try to take our spots no no spots for you like total everyone was being total [ __ ] yeah so i'm like i'm like i'm pretty certain that my management has set this up and i was like but i just want to give up i'm like i'm out i'm so embarrassed right now yeah i get embarrassed very easily yeah so and i know that people go that's oh you could whittle this down right now and go that's why you drink that's the whatever the [ __ ] thing is i'm stoned sober and i'm like oh my god so then finally the dj comes out and he goes oh yeah yeah yeah you can do ten and i was like okay so they're like in the green room and then i get in the green room and by the way let's not forget i'm a really good stand-up okay like i'm terrified i'm terrified i can't imagine if i sucked and i had no ability how i'd feel i go in and they're the comics in the back are [ __ ] with me they're like they're like uh all right mate you want to work here number one thing mind the light mind the light and and and keep it clean keep it keen best thing in the thing and i said i go i was thinking i was joking i go what's the light and they were like don't know what the [ __ ] like don't know what the [ __ ] and i'm like i'm i'm joking i'm joking yeah and so then i'm like everyone gets great intros and my intro is like all right we got another one of these from over across the pond put your hands together for this bloke from america but all right come on let's go and so i go on stage and if there's one thing i can do good is stand up and i [ __ ] lit that room on [ __ ] fire i did seven minutes because [ __ ] them right yeah yeah you want oh yeah [ __ ] them supposed to do ten i did seven yeah got the light as soon as i saw the light on my i'm [ __ ] not gonna run the light at all i get off and the comics are sitting in the green room jaw's on the ground and one goes so you've done this before and i was like yeah i was like yeah so wait you guys are this is how you just treat people by the way i like i don't i don't remember any of those dudes names but i remember being like i remember being like i will never work at this club again yeah like and i'd like i just was so like it but by the way we'd be like that at the store i'm sure i mean i wouldn't i wouldn't if somebody has whenever somebody has an english accent i'm like oh they got to be big yeah like jimmy carr or something by the way all the [ __ ] british comics i know are [ __ ] awesome they're so good they're all [ __ ] really talented yeah and they're amazing on podcasts yeah they're amazing all of them yeah and but man that one experience you and i are similar because what would you do in this situation so one day i was at the seattle parlor live and i was had already done a couple of sold every show out and i went to the club i try to get in because i'm headlining and the doorman goes hey man he pushes me back and he goes we're sold out and i i left i did i would you do the same i got i'll tell you this so last time i was in i was in england i was or a great britain or whatever it's called and we were in uh manchester yeah and so sold out two shows at the theater and i tell everyone we're going me and mark norman i said we're going to a bar around the corner uh i'll meet you there so [ __ ] 6 000 people all fled to this bar and it and the line is around the [ __ ] corner right wow and i walk up and they see me like yeah and i was like whatever it's packed in there so i go to the front and i was like hey man i think we're gonna try to come in and have a drink and it's uh he's like not today bruv get at it bait it and i was like no i think i'm he goes i told you to leave and i went all right i said well if i leave i it's gonna just you know i think everyone's gonna leave the bar also and he goes okay okay get walking and i went to the line i said all right we're gonna go find another bar someone tell the people inside someone goes we're leaving and a [ __ ] i love this story everyone i love everyone maybe and i'm not even joking maybe 1200 people start to move with me and the guy goes why wait what the [ __ ] are you doing you everyone stay here and i said hey man you're not gonna let me in and they're like you're not letting the machine in and he goes who the [ __ ] the machine i go i'm the reason everyone's here he goes what what he goes we're waiting some for some fat comedian and i went oh that's me and i took my shirt off and he goes oh that is you okay come on in and then we went you should have left no we went you leave no the guy was doing his job we went in and we parted our dick all you leave shirtless we had a room full of men shirtless in a i mean [ __ ] stayed until four in the morning did a bunch of promo reads oh my god and that guy came up and apologized profusely but yeah i'm the same way if someone says no to me that happened that happened recently were were you in san francisco with us yeah and the guy i was whatever what happened i got nervous i he asked for i'm so [ __ ] comfortable right now and i'm not being comfortable all day um i got nerv so we went we got we got a table upstairs at this bar and then they said they couldn't accommodate us that it was they were mistaken but that they could service at their bar they have a boutique whiskey bar next door so we go over this is like heat of covid we all boosted up and there's like i need to see your driver's license and your booster shot it's a [ __ ] meathead dude and uh and i was like okay and i'm a little hammered right yeah we just got done i think i just smoked and i pull out i have three drivers license one's expired one's an id and one's a driver's license yeah as soon as i pull out three and he goes no no no bro no bro no and i pull out and i pull him give him the expired one and he goes it's expired back of the line and i went okay so i go to the back of the line we're with like 20 people i go to the back of the line and he starts letting people in and i get up to him again and i'm so [ __ ] up i give him the expired one again and he goes not you tonight and i went okay i go well tell everyone we're leaving and he goes no they're staying you're going and i went we're all leaving and i and i just go all right guys and then everyone starts sleeping and goes no where the [ __ ] are you guys going and i said they're here with me and so we start to leave we start to walk away and the manager of the bar is like a huge fan he goes where the [ __ ] are you going i said we're not allowed in and he goes who the [ __ ] said that i go to the bouncer and he goes god damn it so he goes up and he says he goes they're going in he goes not him and he goes no he's definitely going in he's the reason they're all here and they're all here and he was and the guy's like the guy's like he he's got an expired license and i'm so drunk i'm trying to explain my remember i kept going this is all my fault like i'm trying to i go he's doing his job i'm [ __ ] up i go i guess keep giving him the wrong driver's license yeah and then and and then i think they made him apologize to me and and he had to come in and this was not this was not the type of guy that apologizes to people yeah i've had two of those yeah yeah two dudes who have probably never said sorry in their life ever two dudes and it was [ __ ] insane to watch it and i was like like how did it come probably no eye contact no eye contact hey hey listen yeah yeah yeah yeah my man so and i i just went hey man you don't have to do this i i get it like i don't like i don't want you to feel like my job isn't i [ __ ] up i kept pulling out the wrong id he was being a dick he was being a real dick of the [ __ ] genuine dick i've had a couple people be real dicks where you go well then all of a sudden they realize who they're being addicted to and it's almost like getting caught on camera because then they go oh [ __ ] i've been dicks to a lot of people and i did it to one that counts that they can get me fired yeah but i've always i'm always like i'm always like hey man no no one ever has to apologize to me because i [ __ ] up so much i [ __ ] up so much like whenever anyone's too drunk and they're like i act like an [ __ ] last night i go i do that all the time like you you're the this is your safe space me you can you can say you can do you can really [ __ ] up as my friend the only person that [ __ ] up the most that it was a hard person to forgive was already that was a hard one that was a really hard one but i got past it leanne didn't i don't think she should no leon hates him so do my daughters they hate him yeah i mean what he did was crazy yeah but but we're not gonna talk about it but we've talked about it before yeah but i i that was like a real that was a real moment of like going because i have this thing me and you both have this thing and i and we've talked about it before on a podcast uh about uh sometimes we get taken advantage of by other people and and it and it's why i identify very clearly with you a lot is that i go i go you're you're mistaking my my kindness for weakness and it really [ __ ] makes my skin crawl and i've talked to rogan about this ad nauseam about uh don't mistake just because i'm nice and i'm giggling and i don't i try to take things too seriously that i'm a weak human being and you can have your way with me yeah and the the problem with arya's already knew that's how i already knew that's something i was already feeling and so i had to have a moment where i was like do i cannot can i forgive him did he apologize to your wife uh no i don't think no yeah but i don't i don't think because he didn't want to or anything i think because she won't speak to him every time you come here you say that i can come to your house meet your family i've never been invited yeah well you can no but you don't invite me you gotta [ __ ] invite me i didn't know where this conversation was yeah okay no you just it just dawned on me it's like you know i mean i don't know your family yeah no yeah who's that is ridiculous no i i i i i'm gonna fight for myself she said i can't no father who dad it bothers me right so what i'm saying to you bert is i remember the last time you're like you should come up we had all these plans to do a triathlon all these things yeah they never come into fruition let's let's make it happen no no so you have to invite me over so that who's that doesn't happen i'm i'm home all of july yeah i'm not famous enough for people to even know i mean what the [ __ ] no one comes to my house no one comes to my house like no i'm i'm never there i live on this did ari come to your house before he did what he did yes yeah then then that doesn't make any sense yeah you're right you're right you're right yeah yeah they i mean they loved arie because already stop saying that they love it because they know him that's uh that's all i want is for them to know my [ __ ] name god it's ridiculous it's good okay we're gonna do this stop at some education i'll get you hear me and you can make them man i mean it's it's driving me crazy this thing all right we're gonna have it it was worse than any comment what did it go after the triathlon dead no no but we we talk about it we talk about it every time he comes in we make plans and i bet you money the next time you come here it'll be a year from now and i've still not been met your family and they're going to double down on the who's that who that it's not funny man it hurts my feelings i i will make sure that happens it's not going to happen is it it's going to happen it'll definitely is it because i don't drink no no no no no one else drinks in my family we can't i can't come over and do a pool thing yeah no we'll do how about fourth of july we'll have a big fourth of july party you will you can you can you have one girls yeah i will yeah well i'm home fourth of july right yeah yeah yeah yeah if you don't i'm telling you right now we're going to have a we're going to have a brendan shop situation if you don't invite me to this don't edit that out that's the worst thing i could say to somebody right that is the worst thing i can say we could have a shop all right all right so be [ __ ] careful dude my daughters love bread you're [ __ ] kidding me right now dude who dat who doesn't do that you're [ __ ] kidding me right now dude oh god oh [ __ ] oh my god he just shows up with really expensive cars what are your kids like uh isla is [ __ ] weird as [ __ ] that's the who dat isla is the one that's in all my acts what does she like help him out what does she like because i'm going to bring gifts everybody i'm going to get the best thing that they like uh isla isla was really into anime oh oh really i like okay expert because of jewels so what kind of can you find out what animations my niece who lives with us her whole life is anime yeah but there's so much anime out there so you give me you got to give me a two or three things that she likes okay that i can get either a rug oh she'll she she was a closeted anime fan because she was afraid it wasn't cool and she's obsessed uh she would go to the big anime conventions down at the staples center and just buy anime art like she's a real big artist yeah so tell me what she like and what's your other daughter's name georgia georgia what is she like um uh just not being around me lately no no she's she's just getting old and she's like she you know i think they got robbed for their youth because of kovid so at the times when georgia should have had her first kiss and and boyfriend and all that she was stuck in a house with me and uh and so i think that right now they're getting to live that and so she i mean she they went to a big party last night and and i think we're at the place now we're like you know we go did you guys get wasted did you do your party and she was like nah i did not really but she was some people did she's uh she's she's a really smart person she's a great writer i'll get her pong she'd like that bobby like a high-end bong if you get her a high-end water bomb yeah she'd go oh cool she's just she's at a place where it's like her dad's not cool so like i yeah and like you're the coolest dad you could ever have uh no not really or did she has friends that have cooler dads uh she she does yeah i mean she said but her dad so it's like if you're funny professionally then it's a different someone open the garage door no this thing's happening again are you going to stop it the [ __ ] is it going to [ __ ] it all up let's just don't don't stop it what is it it's our water thing ok just sit down back down think back this is this podcast is going too long anyway yeah we're at hour 30. yeah yeah so we only do an hour why because that's what we do you really know how to push it yeah you don't have to push it and we're not pushing it right now and that's god saying we're done you so here's the deal all right okay let's wrap it up by saying this keep that on right yeah i'll keep it on no more who's that we're going to resolve that right okay yeah okay july 4th of july all right is there anything you want me to do in life to be a better friend um can we start texting more often yeah i would love that yeah okay because that's like my my my language i i don't have a i'm not good with texting people so i feel i get embarrassed so i don't text them i just i kind of keep on to myself i'm gonna get annoying give you annoying i texted you the other day no you didn't yeah i did i swear to god you didn't no i texted you the n-word oh yeah okay george if you turn it off will it [ __ ] up my water like it did last time we don't know what what is it is it a hot water heater yeah it got it's god's saying we're done so give birt soft water anything to promote anything to promote bert oh yeah the tour i asked you to come do with me fully loaded i wish i did it i you were like you were one of my first names i know i should have done it yeah you and you end on l were my first names so who was doing it uh dave attell shane gillis mark norman nicki glaser taylor tomlinson fortune feamster uh salvocano big jay okerson how much time do people do uh we're gonna make it pretty light so everyone just murders for like about 15 minutes 15 minutes is it too late to do a little bit well i don't know tell me a date you can do and and if you have a fallout i want to do it okay all right i wasn't feeling when i got the offer i wasn't feeling good about my act yeah right but now i'm feeling pretty good about it yeah we sold out uh we've sold out i think three markets already so um honestly if you have a fallout please let me be on the we sold out i think south bend and dayton rochester and louisville are close and lawrenceville and so we still have tickets available in greenville south carolina bristol tennessee and brandon mississippi and i'm doing red rocks again september 13th and wilco's there the next night and i'll be watching wilco on the floor no i love wilco do you really i do know you're lying yeah yankee fox rod hotels hotel foxtrot hotel really my favorite albums by the way i keep adding people to the show that like wilco so we can all go see wilco do that one i would do it in a heartbeat really i love wilco's so [ __ ] much you don't have to join me let me out we just don't pay me fly me out okay i'm being real okay give me a hotel room [ __ ] we're go we're like no no we're getting cabins on the river in evergreen it's me shane gillis mark norman nicki glazer i just texted nikki nikki was like i love wilco i'd love to go so she's going to be on the show and if you're in i swear to god if honestly are you being serious right i swear to god no fourth of july then you don't have to invite me to your party [ __ ] the who's that i don't need to know your daughters it's so much fun if you get if you do let me do that show yeah it will make my life okay all right i'll text you yeah yeah give him a round of applause everybody [Music] foreign [Music]

Channel: TigerBelly

Views: 689,139

Keywords: tiger belly, tigerbelly, bobby lee, podcast, khalyla, tgrbly, all things comedy, stand up, bad friends, comedy podcast, tigerbelly clips, bobby lee podcast, trash tuesday, flagrant 2, chrissy chaos, h3, bad friends podcast, bad friends clips, bert kreischer, bert kreischer podcast, 2 bears 1 cave, 2 bears, 1 cave, tom segura, ymh, your mom's house, bertcast, stavros halkias, bill bert podcast, fully loaded, netflix, the machine, netflix is a joke, hot ones

Id: 1kZQGeQdDBs

Length: 90min 2sec (5402 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 16 2022