Bert Kreischer Exposes Joe Rogan & Theo Von, Accidentally Joins The Russian Mafia - IMPAULSIVE 374

I grew up knowing two dudes without tongues that's Florida tongueless bread in this dream I said I want to go find my wife in a dream you already got her in real life 24 7. my wife is a redneck discipline your dog with a shovel kind of redneck like spit on a light bulb to watch it bubble for fun Have you ever sink a boat no I tried to [Laughter] [ __ ] love your questions [Music] give up relax calm down Jeff France you ain't got no sponsors wait the show don't make no money welcome back to impulsive the not money making show the number one not money making show in the world a show where we don't make money uh if you guys aren't subscribed honestly nah I'm changing it up if you are subscribed unsubscribe and if you were gonna like this video don't don't do it don't do it don't you we're here today in weho we're in West Hollywood another beautiful house for sale in the bathroom upstairs whoops yeah I'm sure Bert is destroying the bathroom right now dude can I get a little more uh volume in my headphones please just just turn me off just a tad bit dude so I could hear anything [ __ ] shut up sorry Jeff sorry oh my God we're gonna have to put a PG rating on it it was the land before time you want dude dude sorry it's got a crew you gotta you know you got a squat this is unlike anything I've seen yeah check check check check check me out if nothing's happening check now it is hello dude Bert Chrysler just rolling here with a harem of beautiful women this is wild bird I did not expect he brought a gang with him what wow are any of them Russian we got an intro for you you don't just have to stand there the whole time but I I yeah I'm gonna do it are you ready all right Dylan wrote it so if you hate it just the guy to your right just give a little smack Our Guest today has a new comedy special Razzle Dazzle on Netflix and a new movie The Machine opening May 26 based on his true left encounter with the Russian mob I cannot wait to get into that you can catch him on his tour this summer at the fully loaded Comedy Fest along with his friends ladies and gentlemen it's Bert Kreischer [Applause] it's an honor I'm a fan dude we're fans no man I can tell you the moment I became a fan oh [ __ ] I can't I remember uh I'm gonna move this up yeah I was in Serbia I was shooting my movie and uh your brother had pulled Floyd's so no no but that's not the moment oh this is the moment so I'm in my bed I'm watching I'm just kind of watching it you know when you just are like you're not into you're just kind of yeah and you and your brother get into a fight in front of your mom about him stealing your thunder which immediate is a fight that happens in my family all the time yeah you and your brother get on a private jet and uh and you have a moment and you and you're like hey I love you and he's like I'm sorry he was hey Logan and he takes your hat off your head yeah I sit up in my bed laughing hysterically all right I'm in on both these [ __ ] these are my guys yeah I gotta [ __ ] I gotta love them yes and the podcast is [ __ ] awesome man I love the interviews you do with all the comedians it's it's different I almost I almost pulled out of this podcast because Schultz pranked me with a [ __ ] clown and I was like I'm I'm like yeah there that'll be exactly what this interview is clowns everywhere balloons everyone thinks we're gonna [ __ ] with those yeah I did see the clown thing um we were told in our brief ly no he didn't even read it it was they said it's the one thing that's off limits they don't do not bring don't mention clowns don't laugh like a clown don't even mention Andrew Schultz dude that's what they said to us I was so out of control on that podcast and I was embarrassed because I didn't know how I behaved normally when you're on a podcast you represent yourself second the clown came in I shut down I froze and I couldn't be funny I couldn't turn it around and I was like I was like [ __ ] now everyone knows my weakness bring out cars and I shut down so now it's my turn to gas you up so what you're describing here is the reason why I'm a fan it's the reason why I along with I I think probably a lot of people really like you is you're this really funny jovial Spirit but you're also like kind of emotional and and you you wear it on your sleeve and we could like relate to it and we see it and you've chosen online to be vulnerable at points which I love from comedians it's it's the one thing with comedians that sometimes I feel a little bit of a disconnect is that they're always joking yeah and I'm not sure when when they're real you know theovine what what is he a real person I'm not so sure about that dude I've known him for 20 years I couldn't tell you I've been sitting with him at times and he's like are you doing a bit right now like well how do we know how do we know nah but you've you've um been one of the people in this new age media that has decided to open up your life and your feelings and and we love it Bert and so we're honored to have you on I'm glad you didn't cancel no clowns are coming I like that he's always doing that I like that he's always smiling sometimes I'm not sure when I see you doing it if you're actually happy or if you're in some kind of pain no because that smile is so big and infectious and I just I'm curious sometimes so I have I think I have this first of all I have like a punitive brain so like I wake up if I'm hungover I wake up I force myself to work out and I force myself to I'll get on Instagram and do like a story and that'll kind of change my thing around doing podcasts that's the easiest way for me to connect and get like into who I am again and so I really like this is probably more of who I am than it when like when I'm on a podcast I'm super honest to a fault I think um but yeah man I I got I I don't know I've had a few times where I've shared emotions like like the first until the first time I ever really really did it was when we did sober October with Joe for the first time and he asked me how much I drank and I was like and it's one of those moments where like because no one really knew the jungle we were going into with podcasting you didn't know that it could really [ __ ] your career up or that it could really help your career or how to do either or and all I was like I've never lied I'm just gonna tell the truth and I was like I have like nine drinks a night and I know that I'm kind of telling the truth but sugura is next to me he starts laughing hysterically and he's like and Joe Joe's I don't know how well you know Joe but he can get super depressing at times he just goes Buddy and so girls laughing he goes they're doubles Joe these aren't nine these are doubles and Joseph freaks out we need to get you a doctor we need to get in like gets into serious Joe mode but like those moments I overshare and I I you know like Krista Stefano and I cried on my on my podcast that's that's the one that I saw yeah right it was it was about your kids yeah and and it's uh but I don't know I don't know any other way to represent it then just be 100 honest is it weird that you feel more open when the cameras are on and bore yourself like that yeah that's something to explore a little bit I will you know what if the it's the thing I liked like I never liked Comics I mean I liked them but I never liked comics where you met them and then they were totally different off stage uh like I can say it about because he's my friend but like Dane Cook I remember watching Dane Cook on stage uh you guys weren't even out of high school you had a grade school it was [ __ ] frenetic amazing spectacular it was like watching the first caveman make fire or the first guy make a Snickers bar and go here try that and then you met Dane and he was very quiet and shy and you were like wait what the [ __ ] you got jib yeah yeah I remember I remember trying to work a foursome with him and I was like what do you mean by that me and him and two girls yeah yeah oh yeah like what was the problem was he just super shy he's just Dane is a very like he's just I don't know like I don't know I'd rather go play I bought a 12 pack of beers like I don't drink lame [ __ ] wow that's like oh nah I was gonna because we have one of those stories too we have I'll be honest we've talked about it before we have one of those stories too where now he's got a wife and [ __ ] but we we had a situation where we attempted to do that as well and he became Dan Coke in the situation yeah it's not it's not Dane's fault he said the only thing he got out before he ran screaming and crying from the group scenario was his knee touched my elbow his knee touched my house bro he was so shocked by the fact that my knee had made contact with his elbow he couldn't take anything I wish we had video of this awkward foursome it was so [ __ ] hilarious I couldn't stop drinking I couldn't turn it off I was the comedian Dane is like what the [ __ ] are we doing these two girls are down to [ __ ] and we just dangerous I'm going home I'm playing video games and he left I stayed there but then I ended up moving in with those two girls what what yeah that's my personality okay okay okay all right so this is another thing we wanted to mention you're from Florida right and then you say things like this and your life has taken a lot of twists and turns at one point what there was there's a there was an article Rolling Stone magazine 600 page article about me calling the number one party animal country well you're like 22 years old 25. I was I was like a seven year senior oh they wrote an article about you for being a party animal yeah you really were the machine International in internationally renowned I think I think when I met the Russian mafia is when I turned it on oh you really you've gotten to the role yeah but well I I never was like a big drinker until I met them and then when I met them I realized if I drank we would have fun and it was like almost like everything was looser and more fun and then when I came home my chick that I've been dating for five years cheated on me with my best friend and so I just was like oh I'm not showing you emotion I'm not gonna let you know that I'm hurt I'm having a good time I'm partying and we cranked it up and then I moved into this house and then next thing you know Rolling Stone calls and and I'm in the middle of a bong hit about to play Frisbee disc golf and the guy's like can I hang out with you for like five days and I exhale the bong hit and he was like were you just doing a bong hit I was like oh yeah he was like I found the right guy and then they wrote an article about me changed my life changed my life and entirely Oliver Stone I've seen the rest of my life I moved to New York started stand up six months later Will Smith discovered me see can you is there any chance you could just stop for a second well you just did right there just gave us 400 different like exit routes like I could go into either you you talked about the Russian mob Will Smith Van Wilder we could talk about FSU bong rips with you know double threesome prostitutes Tate and cook like dude I don't know where to go with you I want to start where it all started which is Florida like do you are you the Florida man okay we think you're just a successful Florida man I am 100 when people go why do you take your shirt off no one asked me that when I'm in Florida they go yeah he takes these shirts Dave their shirts off too dude that's what you do [ __ ] gets out of control you rip your [ __ ] shirt off that's what you [ __ ] do the Florida Man's real though right like the Florida man uh wrestles alligator in the street dude with shopping cart I grew up doing knowing two dudes without tongues that's Florida tongueless brat and Hall swear to God saw dude gets struck by lightning twice I mean Florida dude Florida was when we moved into our neighborhood the big kids I was telling them the other day about the big kids were like came in with BB guns and they're like hey we're gonna hunt you and we're like huh and they're like you got to the count of ten and we're like well oh I don't think we want to be hunted and they're like 10. and then when they caught you they put ice cubes up your [ __ ] it was a [ __ ] that Florida for you was it that was and that was pre-bat salts right that's Oh that's oh this is like this is like I was there for the first generation of Florida man those were all my uncles those guys came down because they want they heard you could get H go to HCC like a community college down there get a degree live on the beach bartend bang checks clean coke coke was all over Florida then right and uh do you ever try crack no no no nasty drug yeah nasty drugs I'm always curious about your experiences with drugs I know you don't go into it too much but I've heard you no no I do I do I just think some people are sick of hearing hearing about it you know want to say something actually on that note just just I got to give you some credit dude because we joke about it a lot like oh mike always talks about drugs he won't stop sending his book to my house um signed and but but man you see the comments and uh even just one conversation about your Rehabilitation okay okay how if it helps one person yeah for sure so like we joke about you talking about it too much but I think that's but there's also just there's also just a lot to like unpack like I was even thinking about it today before I came here because I wanted to talk to you a little bit about crack Tommy and I were we were joking about trying it on our podcast it's live on air NASCAR's 75th Anniversary season is now in full swing with drivers giving it all they've got to lock in a playoff spot this weekend NASCAR takes on the biggest and baddest track the Talladega Super Speedway this Beast is two and a half miles of nothing but pure speed and always puts on a legendary show the top drivers of Nascar cup series will be battling it out at speeds close to 200 miles an hour just inches away from each other for 500 miles you're going to want to watch every second of action so you don't miss the big one if you've never checked out NASCAR you got to see this race grab some beers order some food and tune into the Geico 500 on Sunday April 23rd at 3 P.M Eastern on Fox Mike's not here to do the sound effect I'll do it now back to the show he shot me up with steroids the other day I don't get educated oh yeah what kind what are you doing testosterone oh yeah it's testosterone steroids yeah I call it I call it my gear so I had a whole argument about it the other day because I'm oh you do oh yeah oh yeah my Arnold's are you kidding me all I do is I love this [ __ ] I love it I love shooting myself up with it I love everything about it I have my dick's hard non-stop I jerked off three times the other day I mean it is awesome how much you doing I don't know just running it full syringe do I look like a guy who [ __ ] with details do you know what your level is I don't know it just is low dude you're probably like you're probably like 1500 right now no no no no right now I might be when I'm one of my levels got tested I was like at 350. oh she needed I needed it I was really low because it's a big thing here in la like a lot of people are are using it to try to get back to their youth and keep up the OG [ __ ] where you stick it in your body the other La you got to get a pill stubbed just put in your ass no no I get a needle too for real right my ass dude I I'll introduce you he's great he's got other stuff too CJC growth NAD NAD plus oh I got I'm on the NAC oh oh is that an accident I don't know I don't know I got Mike here I just started taking it here it's I don't think it's gear oh it's gear okay all right all right does your wife get mad when you jerk off she's probably happy because then she doesn't have to do it [ __ ] no she I there was one time we were at sigura's house and he has uh soft water you know what that is I think so it's where it's slippery yeah and uh we were in the shower gives you like eczema no no I think it's good for you here's your eczema but you could jerk off without just water oh come on I swear to God I swear to God it's that slippery oh whose house is this cigarette he said to me have you ever felt soft water and I said and I had at his house I didn't remember it was his house and I was like dude I jerked off in a shower because the water was so soft with my wife in the shower and he was like where and I was like oh [ __ ] it was at your house jerked off at my house I was like you have really soft water man yeah it's [ __ ] soft water it's a game changer I guess it has you feel like you can't get the soap off you though that's the worst I don't [ __ ] with that no I don't I don't like that so hard water is the problem that's what we have right and that's what we all have yeah and you definitely have hard water in Florida oh yeah that's like probably the hardest yeah I mean we drank yeah we drink out of the hose growing up yeah yeah we yeah we did that well Ohio is different Ohio's uh like kissing cousins with Florida uh 100 I think it's Ohio Florida and Pennsylvania I think it's like the the holy triumphant of you know yeah I love Ohio degeneracy what I I love Ohio what part all of it we'll see Ohio has more comedy clubs in than any state so we spend more time in Ohio as a comic than any other state you'll ever go to and adversely I have huge followings in like Columbus Clea I'm doing the rocket Morty's field house uh in Cleveland whoa yeah and so so we have huge followings on uh Ohio so I love Ohio I'm not in Ohio all the time oh amazing yeah I think it's an amazing spot to grow up raise kids start a family yeah I just had to move on yeah well okay so for you though you you you were you were this Florida man and there's a lot of Florida men out there who who may still feel like they're you know trap wrestling the alligator with the shopping cart in the street doing the bath salts yeah I'm getting struck by lightning these these type of men you made it out though did you know you wanted to be a comic or how how how did you escape that um treacherous cyclical uh storm that is Florida so I was gonna I was probably gonna sell boats or carpets is what I was gonna do uh and when I got out out of college my senior year that article got written like three dudes my dad being one of them gave me like great advice they're like if you want to get out of this state then this is your opportunity this one article I had a lot of weird offers happen uh like Oprah wanted me to do her show uh it was really crazy it was before fame like Fame now is not super accessible but it's way more accessible than it was then this is 1997. and so uh like I said Oliver Stone option the rest of my life and it gave me the confidence to move to New York and do stand up I'd never I'd done stand up one time and uh oh were you like a funny guy like that's uh I feel like their friends are like you're hilarious you should do stand-ups and that's the guy that never does stand up it's like everyone said to me you're the funniest guy I've ever met you have to do stand up but you gotta remember my sense of humor was I took a [ __ ] on a pizza box to win an election yeah you can't do that on stage yeah [Laughter] have you been to the Box oh yes of course dude have you been to the one in London the one in London I feel like you did a future presentation were you one of the performers uh you know I went in and I went in and we got so we got some celebrity hook us up and I was like hey you can't get them to grab me because my energy is play along with it and I will go hard as [ __ ] there was a there was a show I used to tell the story there was a thing called Flying dildos I don't know if you've ever heard the story when we were in college we went to Amsterdam and we saw this sign that said live sex live sex flying dildos guys [ __ ] Frank's house like drones yeah no that's the energy I'm talking about it's curiosity you're going how do they do it I got to get in there how do they do it I want to see I was done and so we go in and uh and we're like 30 like-minded gentlemen we're all just around smoking joints drinking beers going how'd they do it is it like lawn darts yeah do we throw them yeah or is it like those Fountains of Epcot where it's girl to girls so so we uh uh so the show Stars first girl comes out kind of looks like Danny DeVito not attractive yeah oil rigs herself were like soft water yeah and so uh we were like do you do flying dildos and she goes no and so really give her a golf clap and then two girls come out and they're like kissing yeah we just watched a troll fist itself like get the hell out of here bring up we're like flying dildos and a dude comes out we're like hard pass and now we're so unruly a woman comes out thigh high boots leather thong medicine bag bikers cap no top those gentlemen I am flying dildos I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience and everyone looks at me like you're up [ __ ] yeah I go up I'm so CL this is my energy and I think it's why I am where I am today because I love I love the [ __ ] impulse I love them you're a big yes Ander yeah yes and your life is improv I've done Coke on accident before like where I just go oh [ __ ] I just didn't go I thought that was cat I thought it was K no we were trying we were trying to load a bullet and I go you're doing it wrong you gotta I went oh [ __ ] and so so uh so I'm up on stage and then she puts a handcuff on me and I'm like whoa and then another handcuff goes on me I'm like oh now I'm starting like maybe we should ask how this is done she kicks my feet out from under me rips my pants off my dick falls out of my boxers unprepared I look at my best friend in the front row I'm like poke it back in he's like no [ __ ] way and then she excalibers a 12-inch dildo into my mouth and proceeds to try to [ __ ] it and going get your cameras out this is I'm up there like I look like the very last unicorn dildo out of my face hands got behind my back wind knocked out of me so when we got to the box I was like you cannot let them pull me off stage yes I'm a yes and [ __ ] and next you know I'm letting a dude [ __ ] me in the ass while he shaves he said excaliburs excalibur's a dildo in his mouth dude you wrote it you wrote a check your ass couldn't catch you should have just gone to the Anne Frank house at that point dude it happened again as an adult why as an adult it's happened for the record it's happened two more times and my assistant was at one of them oh dude have you ever gone to the banana room tell me about it banana room's [ __ ] insane we had so I told KFC radio over at barstools boys I said to them one time yo uh what if you got a phone call and I said you have 24 hours I got tickets waiting for you at the airport 24 hours to Live 24 hours to meet me somewhere okay bring me to the banana room [ __ ] I said I said I'm gonna buy you a ticket I won't tell you where it's for but I'm gonna send you a text and say you know it's on and then you got to get to the airport and then meet me somewhere are you in and they're like yeah so I bought him two tickets to Amsterdam and we went to Amsterdam for three days and just partied our ass off we ended our last night everyone's eating mushrooms everyone's drunk we lost one guy he liked like light case OD'd uh and then and and we're in the banana room they're doing Flying dildos again they're shooting it out of their vaginas across the room we're going nuts Kevin Conley from Entourage walks oh my God what's that [ __ ] oh my God shut up he catches the dildo midair grabs it it is the craziest I love that [ __ ] are you sure you saw that or is there a chance you were just I was all [ __ ] up on an accident oh my God I swear to God that was one of the funnest nights you're living like the stories that you you only hear about because someone told you from someone else like like a game of telephone but it's your life yeah well I'm also I'm also good at telling a story so like I I know what parts to take out uh like I can you know I could tell you that that uh the fighterberg threw up at a casino on an Asian woman that's not important but this time I just think like like as things have happened because I guess Razzle dazzle's done pretty well and I have the movie coming out and as you get like celebrities reaching out to you that I go oh let me get [ __ ] famous I will [ __ ] run it into the [ __ ] ground like I will have like nights where Robert Downey Jr is like shut the [ __ ] up like that would be fun as [ __ ] it's probably gonna happen I feel like I don't know I feel like your life Anything could happen nothing's off limits at this point I don't I feel like I uh I feel like I take big chances like I like I like to do fun things like we were in uh we went to the favelas in uh in Rio Brasilia that's wild and we took motorcycles up into the favelas and uh I got lost and got into the soccer game with these kids like I have fun [ __ ] happen to me I think also because I worked for travel channel for so long yeah I want to talk about yeah I worked for copperton for like eight years and so I would I have crazy stories from that and then as you get access to things and things get bigger you know you start going like oh let's do that let's [ __ ] do that let's let's go to Bali for two days let's go to Hawaii for the weekend like that's that's kind of [ __ ] it's all it seems like it's all a result of you saying yes to everything you know what I'm saying like you're like no you're like the the real life yes man yeah like Jim Carrey well I don't think I don't think no get you anything I remember when I first came out to Hollywood this is a small example of that they had a showcase at uh at the Laugh Factory and no one wanted to go second because this guy named earthquake who is a monster on stage was going first and no one wanted to go second and I thought that's weird energy to have on your showcase night you should be like [ __ ] put me in and I was like how hard is it going to be to murder after a dude that just murdered the energy is there yeah right and I watched a lot of those dudes one of the dudes killed himself but like a lot of those dudes aren't doing it anymore and I think that negative energy is like I just I took every job that's ever offered to me anytime anyone wants to do a podcast even if I'm in Edmonton and it's a dude who doesn't have his apartment I do it why not oh really yeah yeah I do everything and I think you know like Tommy doesn't Tommy sugar is not he's like I'll do the things I'm comfortable with but I just love [ __ ] well you can never I'm I'm more like you he he has to be selective for time reasons and the amount of [ __ ] he does but I'm very much like you and that's one of the reasons why I did smoke crack um is because I I say yes to pretty much everything but I found that you can't ever predict where saying yes can lead to you can always predict what saying no can lead to it can lead you back to whatever you're already doing or something else safe or whatever but when you say yes to things you meet new people you try new things you experience new things and you find comfort in those things that could then lead you to doing other things and it's saying yes is the easiest way to continue to climb the ladder when you say no it's usually a result of like fear or uncomfortability or anxiety or whatever you and in life you have to get over those things to have any kind of real success it seems like you've done that at every Junction yeah I made some mistakes I made some like obviously well saying yes to everything it's saying yes everything bound to like I just love the I don't know I like the tickle of it you know it's like uh I have this video that I on Barstool about never quitting drinking and it was I saw that and I was like I just I mean by the way I I was tired I didn't want to do that interview like but I did it yeah and then that that video goes viral but that energy is what I like I love the I love the tickle of it you know when someone's like when you when someone says you you want to do something and you shouldn't do it you're like yeah let's [ __ ] do it I'm a huge believer in that too I mean I I'm a little maybe more selective now because I'm just running out of energy to be honest I gotta be like I feel like you have you I feel like you guys I love your energy I actually sometimes like playfully quit think about quitting drinking because I see how much energy you guys have and I go I would love to be back there what do you think it's because we're sober you guys don't drink do you come on depends when you ask I I mean I'll do years so I don't do any narcotics no drugs really but it depends on your ass 2020 fully sober she'll do a shot right now I'm sober right now so oh then I am too well I was going to ask you about that too because 10 a.m or 11 A.M podcast right now for real we I'm not I gotta wake up and like get into the Zone a little bit you walked in here it was like bet you did bath salts this morning oh I had a [ __ ] workout this morning oh you already worked out trained at eight in the morning I got up at I was lucid dreaming so I was having like a cool fun morning oh cool those are fun those are fun when you watch and you're in your dream like it's real and you're so entertained it's a movie what is it about I had one of those uh wait what was yours about this is my problem I can't really recall like five seconds after I wake up oh oh I am very adamant about remembering my dreams really yeah right now I used to what I used to do is speak them into my phone and then uh and I tell my dream immediately everything I remember try to remember everything smart because you can untangle all your dreams once you get one dream you're like oh [ __ ] I had a dream about Bradley Cooper last night and then you're like oh [ __ ] I had a dream about Star Wars God damn it like but my dream last night there was I always have a lot of stuff going on my life I'm organizing crocodiles or alligators and so for whatever reason I'm just making sure because you're from Florida I think so yeah and I had a terrible fear of alligator you're organizing them organizing them like I'm in a place where they're where they're coming at me and I'm like no no no no hold on you got to go over there what's the what's the justification for the organ is it height is it like length of Tails no species and it's on there always ends with one of our dogs there's a big fear in Florida is that your dog get eaten by an alligator what happened to my cousins for real in Florida yeah oh it's oh not his cousin's dog his cousins yes we're eating dead dude they're [ __ ] knows no and so and at the end of the dream um our dog Bona fell in the water and I pulled Mona out and she was saying no no and I went hey you can talk and then I went wait this is a dream because I knew this yeah it's too ridiculous and then and that's when I go all right hold it breathe relax you're in control you're dreaming let's have some fun and it's so [ __ ] crazy that in this dream I said where do I want to go I said I want to go find my wife in a dream that's what you're gonna look for yeah you already got her in real life [Laughter] hang out with me no you find her in your dreams like get away from me my problem with dreaming is um you're not gonna like this I don't I'm not convinced they actually mean like anything at all and so like minus your dream just now because it was entertaining man when people tell me about their dreams I just don't give a [ __ ] I have the best I had a dream one time uh that Elvis and I were in an elevator old school Elvis big fat Elvis yeah and he's like hey baby you want to party and I was like yeah and he handed me a pill and I popped it he popped it and then all of a sudden he goes Flipper on me just and I'm like oh crap I grab him I can carry him because it's a dream I go to the front counter at the hotel I say what room is he in they tell me 111 111 is my power number so I take him down to 111. I prop him up on the door grab his key open the door and as the door opens I see five dudes butt [ __ ] throwing up in Burger King cups Dane Cook just and I'm like I shut the door I go Elvis what the [ __ ] going on in your room and he wakes up and he goes It's Your Dream Baby [ __ ] I woke up immediately [ __ ] looked at my wife I was like you're never gonna believe I tell her the dream she's her concern is the gay [ __ ] I go oh [ __ ] the gay [ __ ] that's been here for years you think that's the first gay dream oh no I'm worried about the product placement Burger King would be if they're like have it our way I was like what did they do like I was trying to find out what did Burger King do yeah to me that day to get in the dream as a marketer that's what I'm interested in as well can I tell you can I talk to you yeah I would love to do a dream podcast where we get like a we'll get like a like a like column you're listening to the call map yeah of course get that chick to just relax you take you in breathe for the next time for the next 30 seconds and then she does her magic and you fall asleep and that's where we step link up that's right we're like Hey we're in right all right let's load up we're fighting dragons tonight we're in a big chamber let's let's see and we describe the room but you but you're in someone's head while they sleep because I listen to a lot of history podcasts and I will have history podcasts where I'm in the Congo or like because it have you done have you done World War II have you done any World War II not the best I wouldn't recommend it do you listen to the dictators the dictators is the one I listen to and they've got like 15 Parts on Hitler yeah no those ones you don't want to lose you'll start on Robert mugumbay and then it'll go into Hitler and then you just have Holocaust streams for the rest now tonight you're like [ __ ] do you know Hitler I mean like I can talk to you about it you can't learn too many facts about Hitler because you sound like a lunatic yeah someone's like talking like yeah you know the environment the bees you're like Hitler's dad was a beekeeper yeah I uh you have his cup I do I was teacup you have Hitler's teacup yeah your friend give it two times it's my yeah my best friend what a great game help me figure out a gift for him his birthday's in April I really want to [ __ ] him up wait what is the deal with this teacup he I'm a history buff so like and I'm a big fan of Winston Churchill the legend done the war rooms obviously Legend in London did you go to the war rooms no every year I celebrate his death by by living like he did for a day that's awesome so I Wake Up full [ __ ] spread full English breakfast in bed uh soft Scotch booze yeah booze cigar paper uh hold meetings for about three hours everyone comes in the room with lunch anyone this is this no uh well yeah one year it was with my kids yeah one of the first years of my kids my wife did it this year we were in uh in Amsterdam and so my whole team came in my trainer my my assistant everyone came in and I took meetings in bed then you take a bath champagne for lunch cognac at night another cigar you drink all through the day it's awesome he was wild dude he was wild he lived to like 90 Legend dude what that's why all those rules you have to do the war rooms in London really it is the number one attraction like history especially World War II all of the rooms that he lived in during the war or that he went to to strategize against the Nazis are still intact dude he's a bad [ __ ] the baddest I want an award uh I want an award uh for I don't know it was for but it was uh it was the Damn the Torpedoes Ward for I I created touring during the pandemic uh drive in movie theaters and I got this award but it's it's his phrase and it was like during World War II they're like what do we do they've got U-boats out there they've got submarines he's like damn the torpedoes oh steam ahead that [ __ ] was badass he's a real one dude but so I'm a big Winston Churchill fan and so I celebrate Winston Churchill's the death is death January 24th whatever year so you celebrate his death you wouldn't rather just do it like a birthday I don't know because don't you think that's January's more accessible for me the first day I figured out to do it it was December so I was like oh cool it's next one I'm gonna wait till April yeah I'm not a sister yeah so so uh Tom and I used to do this thing where we bought each other more expensive gifts every year so the first year he bought me an electric bike and then we said for the rest because it was really it was a great bike I love that bike still um and then I said you know me better than my wife well let's just increase the price of our gifts every year so the next year I bought him a jet ski and then the next year he bought me a private jet from I was we were testing the movie so it was from like Minneapolis to Austin to LA to Dallas to Austin oh my God a private jet tour uh yeah like he took me on like three parts it was a G6 so yeah so I bought him a race car for our last one whoa I bought him a race y'all are rich that's yeah yeah yeah yeah and so uh so yeah you guys are too we're all rich okay I wouldn't do that for my friends yes okay well it's funny when you get money later in life it just doesn't matter he actually gave me a better present than all of yours really a porn star who line of [ __ ] roads yeah he's the one that introduced me that's why I dated her yeah oh shut the [ __ ] up yeah because he on my birthday I thought it was going to be some stupid gift I turned around it was [ __ ] Numero Uno wow number one Public Enemy wow yep just standing there now he's raising her kid that's not his I have I'm not the dad I'm the dad that stepped up for real no I'm not really but I do shoot I do I do shoot he doesn't exploit the kids I do use them for Content bro that kid's awesome dude oh is he cool yeah he's a cool kid he's a cool little he's got a crazy jump shot yeah I wonder why [Laughter] wait so anyway it's back to the Nazis back to the Nazis oh yeah oh yeah oh that's exactly okay and then we started getting anxiety about our birthday gifts this year because it was like we're we're in six figures and my wife was pissed yeah and so uh he said can we just try let's just make him fun and I was like okay like meaningful and fun right so I was like okay so then he gave me the teacup and he goes I know you're a history buff and I'm like oh my God he got me Winston cheese oh it was Churchill's tea cup no no it's the viewers dude and I have it and um and he's like and he's like that cup in your hand is 99 percent certainty that the fuhrer himself drank what the [ __ ] and so he changed the whole birthday giving thing so now we gotta [ __ ] with each other for our birthdays so his birthday's coming up in April I gotta get him something give him something good very similar to his situation him and his brother well technically just his brother do something similar really no fake gave him a Lamborghini yeah I don't know what Mike's talking about he hates he's weird wait wait wait I hit my birthday I don't really do I don't really like gifts I don't want people gift just be serious leave me alone oh I love my birthday hate it so much I don't think I don't I I like kind of firmly believe that I'm not sure if people should be awarded for a decision they had no part in like I didn't ask to be here as a celebration of life I get it and for me it's it's like a milestone but my problem is my birthday's on April 1st so everyone pranks me hey my Rolling Stone article came out April 1st really yeah and I have like one week of my year it's your birthday week has been a huge week for me every [ __ ] Year my movie started production I got written up in Rolling Stone magazine I went to Russia I started from my freshman year of college all that happened in that one I love those momentum weeks I love you yeah sometimes you have those those really good weeks that would be cool for me it's the opposite that week always sucks really always remember we got a huge fight that weekend yeah my birthday um consistently has been the worst day of the year every year for the past like five years but I do think I do think this year is the the the pivot oh yeah how old are you I'm gonna be 28 and I I I get to perform at WrestleMania on my birthday dude can I tell you you're a really good wrestler thanks man like and like I've been a fan of wrestling I think just because I'm from Florida but when I first saw you wrestling I was like God damn it man this guy's like actually like really talented thanks and fearless that's true that I'll I'll I'll stand by yeah I don't I don't just don't give a [ __ ] I'll just do I'll send it you need that energy you know especially especially when when cameras are on I remember I was filming with Jake one time and I was about to I was pitching this stunt to him where we would both go on a tandem bike and go off a jump if you can picture that and a high jump like three four feet like stupid as [ __ ] like you have no balance on a tandem bike there's a person on the back right and Jake looks at me and he goes he goes Logan like uh we're not we're not crash dummies anymore man we're not like 12 we don't gotta do we don't got to do this for views and I just remember like this really instinctual feeling looking at him and being like I am a crash dummy I feel like that I I love stunts so you gotta have you gotta have that exact energy to do that so we were in Zanzibar and we were doing this these kids were jumping off the side of a uh of like a ledge into what looked to be like two feet of water and it was like a 30-foot drop and they were doing the thing ever seen the thing where you punch it with your hands yeah at the end yeah that's how you survive and so I was like seriously and so I was it's a Muslim country but we had gotten some booze over by Freddie Mercury's house and uh and I was like twist and I had a little bit of I had a little bit of energy I was like I bet I could [ __ ] do this I bet I can [ __ ] do this I bet I was like [ __ ] it I can do this and I grab one of the kids I go you think I can do this looks at me he's like oh yeah I would love to see this let me get in the water I want to see it up close and at the very last second someone stopped me they go don't do it and I went really and that was the end of me doing Fearless stuff I did all my own stunts in the movie that we did yeah because I was like [ __ ] it I can do it dude I can't I can't throw a punch to save when I first I had to start me to do fight scenes I didn't I didn't realize how hard it is to throw I had to take extensive fight training just to look natural throwing a punch here I am talking [ __ ] to dudes throwing trash out their window I can't throw a punch I'm so bad I'm not even [ __ ] around in my movie during the fight scenes I make the noises they had to edit out me going like I swear to God wait I thought I thought you were secretly athletic I am secretly athletic but I cannot throw a [ __ ] a punch have you ever fought yeah I've been in fights but like God forbid you ever see those things back dude imagine watching himself dude when we did I was like we did a thing where I had to fall down a mountain and I was like I can do it don't worry I got it and uh that's when I first hurt my elbow and then I had a fight scene where I had a tackle guy and go down a flight of stairs apparently going down the flight of stairs is the most dangerous thing you can ever do yeah sidebar when I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine Johnny Knoxville came down and partied with me in 1997 before Jack whoa we got high as [ __ ] eight pills Watch Camp kill yourself dressed as women's and threw ourselves downstairs sidebar sidebar that's amazing I know crazy right I got some music it's amazing yeah Johnny yeah that was pretty Johnny Knoxville jackass he sat in his kitchen in my kitchen in college and pitched me jackass no [ __ ] and I was like why did you not do that I feel like you'd be a great part of the jackass I would have been great I loved that dude I loved that show those them boys are uh physically kind of altered now forever because of that stuff especially especially Johnny yeah I think I think yeah I think I think that took their toll on him yeah yeah maybe it's maybe it's good you didn't do it show called hurt bird that was like it where I got mauled by a bull and once I got mauled by a bull I was like I'm done yo you went face to face with the pool six seconds did you have the um do you make it a Vine no no I had to dress I had to dress in [ __ ] clown makeup so I was already freaking out I'm melting down I I couldn't do full makeup I was like I can't you can put like a thing on me but I can't go yeah and and uh I'd wear someone else's clothes so many of these things are like triggers for me like I'd wear someone else's clothes I don't like wearing other people's clothes you think there's anybody out there who's just a huge fan no there's people that just doesn't bother they go oh yeah give me a pair of shoes I'll put those on well now there are some people who do like to do it and so they let the bull out bull circles the ring this fast let the bull out bull circles the ring breaks my ribs breaks my foot and goes back into the thing and and they're like this is back when television was 22 minutes and they're like yo you got to do it again we don't have enough content and I mean you hear me it breaks my ribs and you go and then I go he breaks my foot and you can see me try to get away and I can't use my foot like it just doesn't work you can find it online it's out there but uh but yeah I uh I did that show and then I was like as soon as I got more bubble because I was a dominatrix [ __ ] I swam with great white sharks out of the cage okay okay what haven't you done because I feel like you've probably done most most things I've done uh heroin pharmaceutical heroin oh like you actually fell off a waterfall in North Carolina on my back I thought I broke my back spino yeah and so they're like yeah we gotta x-ray even on the Rex right we got to move you around in order to move like roll you around like yeah need you almost like dough yeah yeah they're like they're like it's gonna hurt so we're gonna give you Dilaudid oh that shit's that's the craziest I've been on every [ __ ] opiate and dilaudid is crazy bro Johnny Knoxville when I first met him yeah first words out of his mouth or do you know how to get Dilaudid that's it I'm in college I'm like I don't even know how to get pills that's like if you're [ __ ] up if you're [ __ ] up they give you that yeah and so she gave it to me and I was like I'm gonna write a poem because it's do you have the poem uh no but I can tell you what it was it was oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] my face is hot baby my face [ __ ] my pants oh my God this is awesome I'm going to bed how many push-ups can you do 50. did you do chess today I did yesterday yeah why do you want to see me do 50. I was going to challenge you do a push-up contest oh you can smoke not challenge I think we should all just rock I could I could Rock I can buy I can definitely bang I mean we did do chest I did a hundred push-ups today and we did chest oh really oh you're probably fried huh we could do some I would feel like I'm curious I'm all [ __ ] up on Benadryl right now we did we were at the Super Bowl we did me Shane Gillis Mark Norman did these shows during the Super Bowl we're doing them again in Vegas this year with all the comics everyone comes through and parties all the football players and we're backstage and I'm like I could do 50 push-ups and Gabe Davis is like [ __ ] that's a lot you can really do 50. no I can do 100 I can do as many as I was doing a 200 a day at a certain point but we did for this show of October me Rogan Ari and Tom did 100 push-ups a day so once you get once you start doing 100 push-ups a day and I've been keeping up with it you can easily I mean like 20 is nothing 40 40 is where you start feeling it yeah 42 yeah but you I can I imagine I can push through to 42 is like normally if I if I because we were doing uh five burpees five squats and five push-ups and adding five every day okay so by the end you're at like 150 and of course you missed a day you're [ __ ] and so we were doing that and uh I was getting to the place where I was just like I want to get through push-ups so I could get 40 but I have to take a break and then I'd go 20s 20s 20s did you see your ability to do push-ups go up or down after you got uh Hitler's little cup uh leveled out just the same yeah it didn't change at all was it from I'm still very hung up on it mentally I don't think we gave that cup enough credits is it from was it from the Eagles Nest no I don't know I don't know there's been there's been there's been some there's been some conspiracy online with some of uh Tom's I say Tom's fans who are questioning the authenticity of it yeah so I see that happen sometimes even with your stuff people are wondering if you actually were KGB because you were I are you still with the Red Army bro because I saw that whole story obviously the machine story I've seen it and I understand it and stuff but you know obviously Russia being our sworn enemy yeah I get curious sometimes like his has his man turned and I thought and I thought recently that it's it's either you which is my first choice I think you are a spy or it's or it's Hezbollah the little hasbullah because you know how they think that pigeons are like the American CIA Spies Like I think like have you ever seen a baby pigeon Birds aren't real birds aren't real I think hasblah is potentially KGB or a bird one or the other he's sneaky man you know 100 he can't have sex with chicks no he can't even know that pictures yes what the [ __ ] because he's a [ __ ] spy bro that's why no no no no he's Muslim a Muslim spy from Russia and listen to this dude have you ever seen who he rolls with besides the milk boys you'd think it's just normal [ __ ] people you know Everyday People armed KGB are you serious I saw him at the slap contest I want to continue to really dive into Russia here for a second please I saw him at the slap contest in Vegas oh Hezbollah would be great promos for the movie [ __ ] write that down 100 write it down write it down she already is typing it she's contacting KGB right now Paul the Kremlin I put him on a [ __ ] on a stoop and let him kick me in the dick oh you'd love that yeah I think he runs around and punches people in the face he punched it pretty hard like I mean for like for like a joke thing I saw him hit someone by Tyson here's the thing that I really and I don't mean this in a sick way we're friends with dwarves and I know that's gonna sound like a ridiculous statement but we do we befriended no they're people no but just the idea of just having them in your crew like we have a really tight dwarf relationships I don't mean it in any funny way I'm just well let me finish the statement don't [ __ ] cancel me until I finish my statement yeah right so I understand the height the natural height of that subset of of our species when I met Hezbollah I had made the assumption that he was going to be about dwarfite this dude was the size of a prime bottle I'm not [ __ ] kidding no wait how tall is he up here six to eight inches bro he's about three feet he's not six to eight inches is three feet he's three three feet is pretty big no he's not he's no he's not too sick he looks like he looks like is he up to your thigh yes yeah yeah thigh height how high is that which is uh three feet no it's not no it's not three bro because when I saw him he was sitting on a couch like this and I was behind him and everybody's like yo hasbel is in that chair but to me it was just a chair like there was because there was no head over the top of it oh you didn't so it was just to me I just thought it was just an empty chair but if you went around the other side there he was sitting there looking watching people smack the [ __ ] out of each other because he loves violence [ __ ] I wonder how often he gets in the back of a taxi and they just forget he's in there all the time and he's just driving around all the [ __ ] time just looking up the next Patron calls yeah hey did someone forget there has blood in the back of his taxi he's still backing I met Mini Me well he was probably Super Famous no no yeah he was very famous and he was I asked him a question he said they said in his in the profile interview they said he does his own stunts and I went whoa that's crazy you do your own stunts and he goes how [ __ ] stupid are you oh my god and I was like I mean there's an interview on television and I go I'm sorry and he goes who else are they gonna get to do my stunts a baby and I was like I was like oh [ __ ] yeah I guess how yeah you have to do your own no Tom Cruise does some [ __ ] you [ __ ] did girl obviously I didn't even realize and I was like sorry and then a dog got loose and he [ __ ] panicked no not Mini Me wait I want to go to that way he's just a box up front rip version but equally weird bro okay dead the dead coat this is this is like Peak 2023 [ __ ] Florida man bath salts what the dead Taxidermy cocaine bear is officiating a wedding bro the actual bear the actual carcass dude they [ __ ] hired the Dead bear whose stock is obviously way up because he's in the movies yeah to officiate their wedding that's cool which is [ __ ] crazy dude if you think about it that is I've officiated a couple weddings so is he have you uh one yeah it was it was cool it was yeah it was pretty cool yeah uh do you collect dinosaur bones just not sure you said your history buff oh no I don't even know if that's what I want to ask that's what I want to ask I don't think they're real no come on don't say that I didn't know there was stuff before Jesus I was we were doing a tour and I was saying to my daughters they were talking about Julius Caesar I go he's a real person so I thought he was a play by Shakespeare yeah and the lady goes yeah he's based off the [ __ ] that's the movies this plays based off him his name's Julie oh shut up and then my daughter Isla goes well hold on hold on I want to hear that I want to hear dad tell me how you think history went she knows you're ridiculous history scholar who's giving us a tour of Italy I go well I thought it went dinosaurs then Jesus then like JFK and Shakespeare and I was like oh Shakespeare Shakespeare so wait you don't think you really don't think no hold on okay for real I don't so they don't find when they dig up a dinosaur they don't find a whole dinosaur just sitting there going like this they find like the finger right and then they go okay we'll just build the rest of it so the rest of it's not no no it's not always no but I think I almost want to say 98 they just find like an ankle and then 3D print and then yeah 3D print the rest of it no you think they find out because he has a hat I have a tricep but here's the thing is it hang on is it there's absolutely no way it's a real surface 66 real yeah see seeds you see what he they found one two what do you mean they built the tubes and then they built it out okay but then what's the theory where is the rest of the dinosaur you don't believe it could have just no it disintegrated yeah yeah yeah okay yeah and but the head's there so what's the thesis you're saying you're saying he doesn't think the rest of the dinosaur ever existed my dinosaur was a two-thirds they roll no no they rolled around when they find a dinosaur bone someone know anything is anyone smart in this room like where they find like a pink it's like if they if I found you right this is how okay I was like uh 200 years from now I go I just discovered Logan Paul and they're like no way I go yep is his one of his shoes and then we and then I built out a Logan Paul and you were in that shoe and then everyone's like that's what he looked like that's definitely what she looked like but then that's we're pretty sure but then you can look like anything we can make you look like Hezbollah and remember like shut up he was tired three feet tall oh no no because he officiated one existed there's so many there's so much reasons how much did you pay for a dinosaur head oh well I collect dinosaurs Tom sugar would never like dinosaur bones well I guess now it's a skull dude it's a Triceratops skull as big as you it's awesome for real it's awesome it's my prized possession where do you keep living in my home really yeah it's like a thousand pounds it's big man Triceratops are great great animal they're calling the t-rex killer they had a joint when they thought the Triceratops was a T-Rex all right man you don't collect dude oh [ __ ] that's I don't know [ __ ] about dinosaurs no okay but conspiracies in general I don't follow no Illuminati like you don't think he's ascended to a certain level of Fame that he probably gets contacted by like John Legend and [ __ ] like that oh so how to think about you don't think he's ever rubbed placenta blood on his face before I've seen someone do it he's in this he's in the circles he's had a lot of I've been with Rogan and he's injected me with a lot of stuff no they were just that was just no that's dude that's [ __ ] oh the vegans now the vegans are above Illuminati the vegans the you ever met a vegan before I was vegan for like 45 minutes one day oh actually yeah yeah I tried I tried I really tried and then I ate pasta and I didn't know there was egg and pasta yeah bro they do some weird [ __ ] yeah vegans yeah like oh I don't trust vegans ritual no how could you no how could you you know Hitler was a vegan was he really he invented meth as well yeah he didn't he didn't invent it he just loved it he loved it he had like a party doctor you this is a big topic and I want to dive into it we haven't spent much time diving today except for that cliff and Zanzibar that you didn't jump off of you are and it's going to be crazy to say it because it doesn't seem like you are but you're [ __ ] scared of dying bro I'm terrified you and I want to talk about this because I I I have sometimes have this uncomfortable feeling about death dude like like dude what the [ __ ] happens bro where do okay do are you going to the clouds are you going are you going to be with the Dinosaurs in a recreated simulation is your [ __ ] great-grandfather there and he was a Nazi like what is gonna happen when you [ __ ] die I uh I think about that every single morning when I wake up every single first thought in your mind my first thought was so you're telling me one day it just goes black yeah like Louis CK says it goes black and it you become nothing just like you were nothing before you're nothing again I had panic today thinking uh not only so my great great my grandfather was in World War II on this side he stormed the beaches in Normandy wow and I and I was listening to a podcast about Gun Hill this morning and I was like and I was like wow my grandfather at that time was in Paris Island probably getting ready to come over and I went and went I was just a sperm inside a sperm right at that point like I wasn't even like a sperm sperm yeah and I have no and I'm cool with being not there then but the idea that I would not be here then in the future panics me to no end I don't you strike me as someone who does not care about death it depends if I'm hungover okay because that's kind of like begging for it yeah oh you know don't think about death and if I'm hungover I think about that if I'm hungover take me out of my misery yeah I swear to God well and you have anxiety some days oh yeah yeah searing searing like yeah especially if I eat an edible too I'm like [ __ ] oh yeah that can send you you do an edible on the plane we do no I don't planes we do them on the bus I'll do it like we'll party and then I'll take one right before I go to bed but I have a hard time like rebounding yeah getting out the next morning I'm just like this like yeah Edibles give nasty like dreary almost hangovers yeah and the anxiety I get from them is not it's not enjoyable so I don't like I I don't why why do you do them uh every day you wake up never again yeah and then like two hours later I said that this morning I said you know what I have a 4am pickup for my flight tomorrow I'm not gonna drink tonight I'm gonna work out I'm gonna do this podcast we're gonna have fun and I'm gonna [ __ ] hang out with my family and then I found out we have a party to go I'm going to it are you going to it yeah yeah what are you wearing at the Edition I'm probably gonna wear these slippers okay is it for your movie no it's a rose it's for a roast oh Whitney Cummings I'm gonna do my shot I'm gonna shoot my shot tonight yeah she is she heard she's tough dude she's awesome man yeah all right that's it that's like I feel like she's gonna fillet you I feel like I think she could turn you into the man you want to be she's gonna actually yeah because you imagine that she is a [ __ ] power woman she is she's the one she you know she is she's Eleanor Roosevelt right FDR was nothing right I don't think he could barely walk right but that woman drove here not the most attractive woman [Laughter] yeah she's hot dude I feel I have this weird attraction to her man I don't know why it's not a weird attraction are there a lot of comics that are into her like is she like is she like a note like don't a no go zone for Comics no she's just she's just so I'm powerful is the wrong word but she's just such a a Powerhouse that I think she intimidated I was gonna say I I that's what I said I feel like she's gonna fillet him like she she feels like out of Mike's League almost I've dealt with some pretty powerful women I'm not I'm not heavily intimidated by anyone I don't know Mikey I don't think you know what the issue with the the powerful woman you've dealt with is they're kind of just dumb as [ __ ] Whitney is knocking Whitney is no I'm not dumb either no I know that's why it'll be interested I'm not counting you out I just this one seems like this one seems I feel like I wanna I wanna see it tonight do you think I'm definitely drinking now what's the what's the what's the approach do you think that I can like do you think I can use sorcery like Whitney Whitney is a hit you in the forehead with a hammer type person yeah I talk to you this way this is how I talk to you I mean gangster move Whitney uh hangs out with me and my wife my wife's turning 50 and Whitney calls up a [ __ ] longevity doctor and gets my wife sent a bunch of peptides so she can look younger just don't even ask my wife oh that's just sends him over and she goes there you go you're welcome that's what we all use she's like yeah she's a gangster but a gifter too oh hardcore hardcore gifter do you so what do you so so as an approach do you roll in there with it do I bring her a gift tonight bring her gift oh my God no no no no no no no no Whitney's a gift person she's never once come not come to her house without a gift okay she sent Georgia a gift to college my oldest in college sent her a gift to her College sends my youngest a gift always has a gift Whitney is a gift giving mother but don't they say like opposites a trail like shouldn't I do opposite of what she would do you know what I'm saying like Opposites Attract like should I bring her uh uh something she's not gonna like as opposed like a parking ticket or something like that you know what you know what I'm saying like ruin her night something with a horse if you just if you saw if because if you said hey I knew I was coming this thing today we were with Bert he told me you like horses I just walked pass this I hope you enjoy it it's a horse say exactly that this episode won't come out for a while and she won't know it's been planted by birds so you want me to bring it wait sorry you want me to bring her a horse yeah like a like a miniature oh a miniature yeah and say like like casually I was with bird today I don't know he said you like horses mentioned you liked horses so I got you this is a thoroughbred you know it's statuette yeah that'll check like yeah they're laying in bed oh I didn't know Bert was on the podcast okay so they're roasting you tonight no they already roasted me they're just doing the they're screening oh how was it did it hurt your feelings a little bit uh I got blackout drunk I don't remember it yeah that's probably better I don't remember it at all at all I am visibly wasted I just giggled the entire time and at the most terrifying part is I spoke at the end and I go I don't know what I said I have no recollection of speaking into a microphone for this only Fan's roast that is um impressive Kesha was there yeah I'm a big Kesha fan who's not right is that like your Whitney Cummings kind of no no oh you got that wife though yeah I got a wife I love my wife my wife I told these guys the other day I'll tell you this story because I've I probably will never be able to tell it on stage this is what a gangster my wife is the other night we're about to have sex and I [ __ ] on my pillow and she cleaned it got rid of it and we still had sex she's a she's a she's abide or die she's a ride or die ah hold on I [ __ ] on my pillow yeah why did you do that I didn't well I didn't do it on purpose okay I'm sorry this this we flew under the radar Mike's agreeance to that set but without skipping a beat what'd you say right yeah no no no because he's a writer I imagine to grow home you sat on your pillow to tell her a story you [ __ ] on that picture is that what happened I was sitting on the story the pillow to sell her story why did you she was she was sitting on the bed and I scooted up on my pillow I had James purse uh uh track pants on and they're very thin no underwear and I thought it was a fart I [ __ ] three [ __ ] through the pants onto the pillow through the pillowcase onto the pillow pillow my wife I got up I got up I was like oh you see my pants I got up to these bathrooms because she [ __ ] on the pillow and I was like oh for real she goes these are new pillows and I was like okay and then my wife took took it off put it over the bathroom I changed my pants I came back people don't realize that that the importance of having a woman who will deal with [ __ ] bro if you have a kid and your wife is scared of [ __ ] you your kid is going to prison Rogan you know what I'm saying this kid is not gonna make it dude you got to have a mom that's not scared of [ __ ] bro this is how I remember Rogan tell me a subtle story about him and his wife where I went that's love he said that his wife had a green juice and she was driving home she didn't feel very well and she threw up all over the inside of her car and I said oh my God what did you do and he goes I cleaned it yeah yeah I went that's a man yeah you got to that's a man I would have just I would have told my wife you need to clean this I I don't want to make any judgments about your wife but in my brief provided by my producer Dylan it does say wife Leanne yeah hillbilly woman who manages his life put that on a [ __ ] shirt my wife is a redneck redness discipline your dog with a shovel kind of redneck like close time like spit on a light bulb to watch it bubble for fun redneck redneck like on our marriage certificate I don't know if this is in my special or not this is a true story we got married in our hometown third question are you blood relatives and the lady looks at goes well is you go ahead I don't think we yeah well I didn't put down the chain I go I'm definitely not right name because that means he is yeah where's she from uh small town called Bowden Georgia oh Georgia got some on the Georgia got some necks dude dude that that's like Theo Von level [ __ ] bro it's way worse it's way worse my wife's my wife's uh there was a there was a phrase that they used uh when they dated because there were people I remember her she had two cousins that were dating and I go how can that happen it wasn't kissing and they said they said no they they can but they ain't blood they can't but they ain't blood they can but they ain't blood like it's not sister Brothers I mean that's that's how it's gonna happen yeah you know there's not much of a pool down here your wife ever sink a boat uh no you ever sink a boat no I I tried to I [ __ ] love your questions I want to do it for Travel Channel because they do these boat sinking that seems like something you got to do yeah I would love to but I want to do it with scuba gear and I want to watch it think and I want to go down with it that's awesome yeah you should do that I'm telling you man I was I'm I was born I was born 30 years to 20 years too late because my energy is your energy your age like the things I enjoy watching online I would love to be doing but I'm [ __ ] old man I'm just going to do movies what what do you mean by that like I love I wish I could have been in like when you guys were in the Gold Strike of of the internet and making content and like and you guys had all the you knew how to do all the stuff and figured out how to do all the stuff you were born 20 years too early you mean yeah yeah when you said 20 years too late I thought you meant like yeah you wanted to be at you wanted to be at Target yeah yeah no you wanted to be a Dunkirk like yeah I got into a fight with a guy at a Starbucks on uh on on on Wilshire and Western Wilshire and uh Detroit Street you know that Starbucks I gotta don't fight with a guy in a teal BMW and I thought it was Louis CK initially because I thought I know Louie I thought it was Louis so I talked to him but then I realized it wasn't Louie but when I and but I almost fought him and and I told my wife thank God I didn't it was it was it because of the teal no no because that would piss me off that's a color that was like he but when I told the story to my wife I didn't say Louis CK I said Louis Anderson she was like why would you mess with that guy yeah I go [ __ ] him he was in a teal BMW he wanted to talk [ __ ] you'll see what man do you realize how bad I would have gotten beaten up not being able to throw a punch I think I think I think being able to throw a punch is a thing any man should be able to do I have my thumbs in oh no dude I didn't I knew so little about fighting because I'm the guy in college that got punched like I'd say the thing and then there would be just some guy that like to lick windows and breathe out of his mouth just go broke this guy oh God and then I could take a punch but uh but uh never like I've only punched maybe a couple people in life how often do you have [ __ ] that can permeate your pants within seconds like I still I still have been stuck on the fact that you were able to quickly shart a permeating poop that went through oh I would say pillowcase and on the pillow 60 of my uh feces are liquid what's your diet look like uh whatever is in front of me you're on like The Bill Cosby Dodge straight pudding yeah no I do I do I try to eat healthy but then the wheels come off the end of the night once you're guilty go to [ __ ] food oh food oh I mean I can't say no to Pizza yeah I can't say no to people but you're not but where do you eat your pizza I remember the day I saw that I remember the day I saw abdominus Brooklyn cost it was during the pandemic I was with my daughter Isla it was 11 o'clock at night and it came on as a commercial the new Brooklyn crust from Domino's and I looked at Island go we should get one she goes can we get one tonight and I was like let's get two and we got two Brooklyn cross and I to this day that's my growth you make me sick your daughter is it she enables you I think oh we have impulse control problems how old is she uh I don't know just just 16 16. she during the pandemic I was telling someone this the other day during the pandemic this is how bad our impulse control would be she would see if I was drinking red wine she's still on my armor my recliner grab my phone get on Amazon and go how much do you think a refrigerator costs I go like a big one she goes no mini fridge I'd be like I don't know you're 150 bucks he goes if I told you they're 87 how many would you buy I'd be like four she goes done son click we bought four mini fridges during the package to put in our [ __ ] bedrooms what do you mean why what kind of [ __ ] dude it was [ __ ] awesome everyone had their own mini we're doing weird stuff during the pandemic oh my God we got weird we got weird we got really weird we put a swimming pool in his garage wait you guys were out you guys were at your a ranch during the pandemic right up for a portion of it but we had a house where all of us lived like seven of us boys and I was blogging at the time yeah and so just to pass that time we would just do some weird stuff I don't I forget all the one I can't remember things that well that's that's what I'm finding because like you I've done a lot of stuff but I can't I can't recall you've done too many stuffs uh too many stuffs like when someone says something and then you'd be like oh yeah I did that too and they're like huh like someone was talking to Rogan about that it was like this amazing story I I spent a day two days in the world's largest cave yeah and I went oh yeah I've been there yeah like that and then he was like what I was like yes I mean it's nice but it takes the wind out of their sales yeah yeah but you're like yeah I've done that I've swam with great white sharks out of the cage I was Swimming with Sharks a ton you remember the stories that's the problem like we like dude for me it's just a blur like I know that I know I drove off a cliff into a river I tell you I know that but I if you had asked me like my craziest drug story I would be like I don't know those are hard to remember like I drove off a cliff bro I went through two telephone poles into a river sober no I was asleep on Xanax I'd smoke crack all day dude and then I did Xanax to come down and I fell asleep how does that does Xanax help them crack yeah because it just it's hot like you know when you have to calm down at the end of a long Coke field night and you have that anxiety going no no I've never done it I've never I mean whenever I do Coke I punish myself I go no no you asked for this yeah oh and you just stay awake and like shave her and pull the blanket over your head big Ideas you wanna have big Ideas you want a Big Ideas you probably get crazy Coke [ __ ] because you have bad [ __ ] problem anyways I've never done Coke and not taking a [ __ ] immediately immediately but but do you know that's from The Cutting agents it's not from the like like if you went to Colombia and met up with like [ __ ] Pablo dude like you wouldn't have to [ __ ] you know that right it's because they cut it with laxatives that's okay so say we're in Colombia yeah we meet up with like likes like we're in Cartagena you know and they bring out Coke yeah do you say no or do you say yes I don't I can't do Coke no but in accident in that scenario okay okay I will never do it don't do it don't do it don't do it don't do it something about I don't know why maybe it's like an irrational fear but like the idea of like a direct line to my the one thing that I feel that I actually kind of have that support in my brain really freaks me the [ __ ] out it's the worst drug anyways the worst [ __ ] joke the next day is the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life well uh ecstasy actually the next day after ecstasy because you you drop you fire off every serotonin dopamine everything that your brain has is fired off the night before but I I just I really do think Coke is is terrible I think it's the worst thing ever the last time I did Molly was I got drugged I got my buddy slipped at my drink and uh it's a felony brother [Laughter] [Music] yeah when did you start realizing I'm feeling good uh an hour in I said I said I feel weird and he goes do you and I said yeah do you feel weird and he goes yeah is your face hot I went yeah it's a little hot and he was feeling good and I said yeah he goes okay I'm gonna tell you something and you can't get angry um you're on Molly and I went wait what and he goes you're on Molly we're both on Molly I put in our drinks we're we're gonna have a great great night great night and I started panicking I go I'm on blood pressure medicine did you call my cardiologist like this isn't cool so I called uh called a guy Joey Diaz you know Joey Diaz of course so I called Joey he used to live right around the corner from me I said hey already put Molly in my drink and I'm freaking out this is within minutes Joey Diaz says I'll be there at five dog walks in takes the rest of the molly he goes we're all going down together Cox what a gangster with the sun showering over his shoulders smoking a joint and telling me drug stories of where it went wrong but it would they everyone landed safe it was going we thought it was going to be bad we got a gun in this guy's rib cage you put them in the trunk it turned out okay does anybody does anybody have crazier stories than him he's number one when the whole metoo movement was happening Joey calls me up and he goes dog I'm afraid and I said Joey you're not a sex guy and he goes that's not it they're getting they're getting popped for jerking off in front of chicks I kidnapped a man I kidnapped a [ __ ] human being I spent time in prison he goes when are they going to start getting in trouble for those I'm a [ __ ] felon Cox I go Joey I think you did your time I think you're good and he goes I don't know dude Joey Diaz is the greatest human being in the world he's my favorite guy I love him like a brother my daughters only know him as Uncle Joey they never saw him do stand up he was just a guy at our house for every event and so they only know him his Uncle Joey and then they saw him do stand up on fully loaded he was on last year he was on fully loaded and my daughters are like what the [ __ ] this is this guy's life and I'm like oh that's Joey yeah you have a break into a chick's house on a quaalude and eat a [ __ ] Lucy snobbish [ __ ] he is the greatest he is the greatest Circle we got I got really lucky I had a bad a bad run in with the dude I didn't want any friends uh and I was like I'm good you know I'm sure you've had times where you just go I'm closing the walls I got my family I got you know whatever my sisters live out here we're good and I've said this before but uh Rogan called me I was at home with my wife we were about to watch Game of Thrones I was on the treadmill and I opened a box of wine I used to drink a box of wine on the treadmill and uh Rogan called and he goes what are you doing and I said I'm just hanging out and he goes come to the ice house and I was like um I think I'm into the night he goes come to the [ __ ] ice house I go I think I'm gonna just chill and he was like come to the [ __ ] ice house I go Joe I'm hanging out then Tom calls he goes hey man it's not it's not a conversation come stop what you're doing come to the ice house we're all out here so I got to the ice house we used to do this podcast in the iti's house called uh ice death squad Chronicles or whatever we do some of the podcasts I'm getting ready to go on stage and Rogan comes up with two shots of Jack Daniels and two beers and he goes hey man we're trying really hard to be your friend but you're not letting us and he's like we like you and you're a good guy and we're not going to hurt you like we won't let you down we'll always be here for you but you got to let us be your friend and you got to trust that we won't hurt you he goes because you're a good guy and I was like okay and he goes can you let us try to be your friend and I went yeah and so we did a shot and I was like all right I'm gonna let it happen because I don't I just never I like any time a guy like I said this I'm just horrible to say but when Joe wanted to be friends with me I was like you must be gay like like why would you want to be friends with another man that didn't make sense to me really yeah it was like because I was like you either using him or you want to [ __ ] him why would you want to like Elliott Gould wanted to go to lunch with me one day and I was like oh you must want to [ __ ] me why would you want to hang out with me and and then Joe never tried to kiss me once he's just a great guy he's been my he's been one of my closest friends now for for I don't know how long for 15 years and he's the best I love him I have a great group of friends Tommy even Ari who drugged me one of my still one of my closest friends uh you know we got a great group but uh now we're all [ __ ] separated everyone lives everywhere else but yeah that's where I feel like it probably gets hard but I I love that Joe did that I think I think your friends need a reel you in sometimes and have those tough conversations yeah that's that's awesome especially like you know because uh look I have I've I have a hard time with uh celebrities I just I literally just had this conversation with Tom today because uh Brad Pitt reached out to be friends with Tom and I was like and then I and like and when things start happening then all sudden celebrities will reach out wait sorry he reached out to be friends with him is that what he said yeah wait where does all this happen no because because the story you just told before that about how Joe came up to you and he was like God we want to be your friend I've never no one's ever come up to us and been like yo hey we called this meeting today because everyone wants to be friends no you're with friends you're Whitney Cummings you're you guys are a little bit of a wall there's a lot of guys I'm sure would like to be your friend but don't or like they've got their team they've got their crew they're a little protective but they wouldn't do it like that they would be like yo we got a table tonight with some girls come hang out they wouldn't say to us like hey man like we've been thinking a lot and we've decided as a collective we really want to be your friend but that's we won't let calm down Comics are sensitive dudes all of us we're sensitive dudes and we're hyper sensitive to other people's conditions like like I'm always aware I'm always aware like like if you do a podcast you you probably don't maybe you don't care how you perform or if the other guys are liking you but as a comic I'm hyper aware to make sure that that I'm telling you stories that you'll like or like I want to take care of you is that something no no we do no we do that we're firm Believers yeah if you don't have a rapport with your guests and the other co-host on the show you have a failure at hand yeah you know what I'm saying so we I get that yeah but I just that Clubhouse mentality is not something that I don't think it exists in this generation I don't think it's just Hollywood I don't I don't think they're like like remember when you used to have to call your friend's house and talk to the Mom hey Mrs Peters like you think Johnny can come play today like that [ __ ] doesn't happen anymore now they're just like dude like you see that [ __ ] Tick Tock or that girl [ __ ] you know beating up that dog that [ __ ] was crazy dude like just random just it's like a garbage generation oh no one's called no one calls me I've never been Mr Chrysler yeah like hey Mr Chrysler what do they call you Bert uh Bert or they call me Bertie Gaga for a while your daughter's friends call you birdie Gaga my daughter's friends were the first ones to call me birdie Gaga and then they'll call me Bert or uh bertrude after school meet me at the [ __ ] playground around like they're not asking permission no no one has promotion to do [ __ ] and if you tell them like no you can't go they'll be like yo don't [ __ ] helicopter dad me yeah like I'm gonna make it a hardcore helicopter Dad too are you actually oh [ __ ] yes are you kidding me Blackhawk dude because I got good instincts like when Georgia first smoked weed I knew it how old is 15. that's a good I was just snooping I found out did she smoke with Snoop no no you know what Snoop said to me he goes uh I was bothered by it and he's like what's wrong I said I don't know I go my daughter smoked weed and he was like okay how old is she I was like 15 years old that's not bad I said well he goes how old were you when you smoke weed bird and I was like 14 and snoopers can I give you some advice from one father to another I said please he goes don't be a [ __ ] because you did it younger than she did what did you he goes did you think that she wasn't gonna smoke weed and I was like kinda and he was like but you did it I went yeah and he goes and you're her father I was like yeah and then yes but snoops Snoop checks on her every now and then okay no he's like how's my how's my niece doing smoking yeah is she is she still smoking or do you have to monitor your she's at College I don't know I hope she's smoking and not drinking I'd rather them smoke weed than drink personally I'd really I don't want her vaping that's my thing vaping's bad I'd rather her smoke a [ __ ] cigarette really yeah like because then you know it's gross vaping is like they don't know it's gross they think it's cool everything smells like Captain Crunch if you try the new orange Skittles flavor like dude it's [ __ ] you know it's they're banning it California just banned off all flavored anything for real so California just banned flavored anything yeah so anyways what Zen no what's that oh you guys seem like you vitamin or federal or something oh no it's like everyone's ends what oh sins oh oh damn yeah the pouch dips no no there's this thing called Zen every dude every bro I know is INS I never met a Zen bro in my life oh my God that's all I'm wearing these Bros these in the NFL oh yeah it was it was at the at the Super Bowl they were everyone was like yo you got a Zen you got a four milligram oh six milligram [ __ ] nice what and what is it just a it's a pouch that goes into your lip and you just [ __ ] but the way you've described it every time had no meaning like you're the way you're talking about it could be just it's a nicotine delivery system it's not tobacco it's nicotine it's just [ __ ] with that [ __ ] I was somewhere where this was offered to me frequently uh maybe like in Europe does that sound yeah well that's where they created it created it in Switzerland or Sweden that's what who initially started doing that I was going to say actually I think I was oh that's what it is yeah I was in Sweden and every every kid my age was doing this chicks do it yeah everyone was doing it don't even get addicted to nicotine nicotine's so hard to [ __ ] kick yeah that's the that's the mother my mom got off it you know how oh hypnotism one session dude dude imagine dude and then all of a sudden you don't smuggle you just don't smoke cigarettes anymore how weird is that you could just go visit this dude he can put you into a trance and the next day you're just something else how fun you walk out wiping your mouth but come off your mouth yeah it was interesting I don't want to smoke anymore but I think I suck that guy's head that's how they got my mom bro that's crazy dude if you're really good hypnotized people what are you doing getting them to quit smoking monetize this monetize it walk into a bank I think I'll take all of them no but she smoked for [ __ ] 20 years bro I used to wake up every morning I come downstairs and I'll be smoking a Marlboro can't believe can't believe Robinson and drinking caught that's the most East Coast thing yeah Connecticut Connecticut it counts but it yo uh Joe hates Connecticut you know about that right Joe hates connection yeah it's like his least favorite thing in the world yeah they went off they called like this useless state that has no meaning or use whatsoever they call it a drive-through State because it's how you get from New York to Boston and other places yeah well it's convenient if you grew up in Boston and you lived and worked in New York to consider that a drive-through yeah but it's not because that's a lot to offer dude best pizza in the world one of the greatest universities Yale they're about to win the [ __ ] Championship needless to say every day my mom smokes the cigarettes comes down same white bathroom I can still smell that [ __ ] yellowing wallpaper scent of cigarettes in the house what does your days look like no I'm curious like because like when you say that it kind of paints a picture and it sounds regrettably it sounds sexy just to smoke a cigarette and have a coffee in the morning to start your day yeah like I look at that and go that's old school no one's doing that anymore now there's some some people still are but my day is exactly when I wake up I have to go straight to the gym otherwise I get really bad anxiety so today I wasn't able to because I'm high on Benadryl and I had to get to this podcast so I didn't go to the gym today so I'm firing a little lighter really then the rest of the day usually you know I'm on the couch some of the time and then and then I'll go to sleep that's pretty much what's what's your like what's your treat for yourself am I what your treat I like porn stars I like food I like food I like stars would be fun man well you like chechik you said earlier yeah Tommy and I to [ __ ] her yeah you should one day I was asleep you should I was asleep one day and she knocked on my door at the house I used to live at somebody brought her upstairs because I met she was one of the only ones I haven't met I've had a fun time with that Community dude that how much fun I mean that's something that like in a parallel universe I would have loved well bro dude think about it for a second everybody likes to you know everybody has their feeling about them but that's sex is Michael Jordan like you're talking about you're talking about sex sex what men look at is like the most important thing sex really your sex drive runs everything in your life it really is subconsciously at least and you're talking about Michael Jordan you're talking about you know uh uh Lebron James like that's what those people are yeah so to me I'm like dude like I don't want to beat them I want to I want to [ __ ] LeBron James bro you know what I'm saying like dude so yeah [ __ ] yeah yeah so I didn't I want to party with my I want to party with Michael Jordan cocktails cigars gambling oh he's I'll [ __ ] empty my bank yeah is that your top who's your like number one go-to uh I have a list I have a list of guys I would like love to party with Ben Affleck I would love but he's sober I know I know that's kind of a bummer um but like like if you like light fell off the wagon that would be a fun you want to be there when he does it I want to be there like the the second day you know like yeah not the first day he's jacked now I've seen a video of him the other day I want him to be sober I should say that I wanted to be sober because that's better for him but like Tiger Woods I want to party with him he's also you like drug addicts and alcoholics John Daly Charlie Slater I mean bro you're talking about just straight fiends yeah I want to like there's a I would love I mean I'd love to party with Kim Jong-un that's a good Target I would like to party that's a good Target for either partying or nukes though yeah you think Kim Jong 100 I bet I bet I bet with my creativity and his assets we could have one hell of a [ __ ] time yeah I mean yeah but Kim Let's Make A bodyguards fight is he down this isn't the interview you know like it could be done I think he I think he'd like my brand I bet he'd like me he'd probably like you but eat like [ __ ] crazy but where would you would you want to do it in a neutral territory I'll go to him you actually would go to NK yeah bro do you understand what they would do to you there if you if you fudged up even slightly bro they would they would toast your toes over an open paper mache yeah I mean you ever been origami [Laughter] what's the craziest offer you guys have gotten to like go party with someone so I'm sure you had to have those offers like like Steve Jobs goes my kids turning 16 huge fan I mean we've had some wild run-ins overseas bro a lot of the weird [ __ ] that we get into is overseas with like Narco traffickers some [ __ ] some Saudis we've yeah I heard a story I heard a story I heard a story I can't say the guy's name but I can tell you all fair of he was he he got to Jordan and the prince of Jordan was like come party with me tonight and next you know they're in a room full of Lamborghinis shooting machine guns with girls in bikinis and I'm like I want I want one of those I think that's Haram yeah I think that's Haram what's a ROM against the Quran to what party was in Lamborghinis was there alcohol and drugs alcohol I want to think there is I want to say it's this it gives me some Haram Vibes yeah because that's that's the thing with the Saudis and the Middle East in general um it's it's pretty strict there yeah yeah for real yeah yeah I love it I love it really it's just there's just no alcohol you got to be well I mean you can find alcohol no no no here's the weird part and I don't wanna I'm doing business for them okay see this is the kind of [ __ ] this is when you say I have a problem saying No this is where I get no I said yes immediately immediately who the [ __ ] says no I'm opening a burger shop in Jetta that's cool with them okay let me tell you something really quick they have booze there okay and they drink but like you it's it's not like a loud dude you have to be careful about it like you can go there like when we were in Tehran when we were in Doha for the World Cup like you can they they like sometimes would be like oh man actually I don't want to say that they they sometimes will become a little bit more relaxed no no they were for them I know but I was gonna yes they like allowed it they're like okay for this time period like we're gonna allow it but like normally I think like if you're an American and you go there you can go to the American Embassy and there's a bar there and so like that's I want to hang out with Americans I want to be in some [ __ ] alley where they've got a goat strung up by its ankles and they're like they're like drink and I'm drinking out of a milk carton and I'm like what is this they will they will get once they get their those countries their culture is based 100 on Hospitality for guests yeah they will if they get their hooks in the Uber they will you will be at their house with their families sitting on a rug you know uh how do you say what Steve Aoki crisscross Christmas episodes yeah yeah Tom and I do live two bears events we're like we'll do it for NASCAR for NCAA I said yo reach out to live golf I want to go to Saudi Arabia yeah I want a [ __ ] party over there well do you well why don't you come when we're I'm gonna go back in April but you you may want to be busy can you behave are you able to behave like slightly at least I mean like give me some parameters okay okay for example I'll tell you a really quick story we were flying from uh Ibiza to Dubai one time right with a group I already love this yeah with a group of friends now the night before those friends not us of course were partying pretty avidly with a group of high-end Ibiza prostitutes and just and just you know gang-type people from Ibiza well one of my friends um had forgotten uh an important fact and when we got to the airport we went through security and he was you know patted down and searched and he ended up having uh he ended up having some like powder in his pocket all right I'm already out yeah so so listen because I took weed to Bali on that yeah exactly same type thing so and I was with my family right and I I it's punishable by death death right no way yeah and I I had my cigars with me and I said to my wife I said oh [ __ ] I brought [ __ ] weed and I was like how cool I didn't that I smuggled weed in and I didn't even know I did it because I was with my cigars and my wife's like I didn't catch you but no and my wife goes what the [ __ ] but throw it away right now and I'm gonna smoke it we're in Bali in a rainforest yeah she goes no you're not [ __ ] face it's punishable by goddamn death I had the most insane panic attack then thinking sure I would have just been taken away from my family yeah and it was like three joints definitely enough to get you whoa like definitely yeah that's not an accident well our guy didn't didn't make it out like that he got caught it's dead he's not dead yes he is he's dead that's why I had a little bit of trouble telling the story so God okay maybe you know what just let me just post it on your Instagram followers he's fine but they did they did finger his ass yes I'm cool with that you know you know Seth Rogen uh I did uh a podcast with him and he said he's only been not high for one day in like the past like 20 years that was when he went to Singapore because so you cannot say yeah I brought weed into Singapore and into Bali you're like you're like almost a narco trafficker yourself an accident yeah on a totally on accident I brought I grabbed my cigars that's the thing is like when I travel now I I'll I have to take my backpack like you know how terrifying it was to leave Amsterdam because we have all these [ __ ] drugs on us and then and then bad drugs just mushrooms and weed but then you and you put them in pockets and then you throw a coat in the thing and you're like just go yeah that's what happened to him that's what happened to our friend it happened when you take a tour bus into Canada we go into Canada uh very first tour I ever do on a tour bus body shots and they say to me get rid of all your marijuana they do not [ __ ] around with the border and I was like okay my wife's on the bus with me it's my very first time me my wife Jesus Trejo and our bus driver so I go I'm gonna get rid of all the weeb I'm gonna I'm gonna bring like a one-hitter so I can smoke yeah like one bat before I can have a cocktail smoke as listen to music on the tour bus my first night of the tour bus well it just catches up the the the Border gets there so quickly that all of a sudden they're like we're here and I'm like I haven't even lit it yet I haven't even hit it no warning no warning and I'm like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] so I run back to the bathroom I have a it's a glass one hitter and I'm trying to blow it the weed out into the toilet toilet yeah and I and I break I drop the thing it shatters I can't it's a new tour bus I don't know how to turn the lights on I'm greeting around I'm grabbing stuff I'm throwing in the toilet door opens border patrol everyone off the [ __ ] bus I'm like oh yeah yeah my wife gets up we go in we're held for about an hour and I'm like oh [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] it's not a lot of weed but it is weed I was told to get rid of everything guy comes in and he goes my wife looks at me she goes did you bring weed and I said no I did not I have no weed on me she goes none I said none she gives you promise I said baby I swear to God comes in and he goes you guys are good to go I was like yeah he's like yeah enjoy Canada it's him and another woman and they're walking us out to the bus I say the guy I go hey man just out of curiosity like what would have happened if we did have weeds what and he goes you mean like hypothetically speaking if someone had brought a glass one hitter and broken it in the back and put it in the toilet but didn't know how to flush the toilet I said yeah what would have happened and he goes I would have said it's a pleasure meeting the machine and I would have flush the toilet you got luck you're lying I swear to God no [ __ ] way my wife goes [ __ ] red she goes you brought [ __ ] marijuana and I was like no no no it never happened right sir and he goes enjoy Canada oh my god dude this machine thing is transcended every country did I I was what the uh I mean yeah like whatever yeah whatever you just did you like Canada I love I've never been oh for real not allowed oh no you are now now I just got my my felonies yeah for real yeah because it had been so long I had to go through a legal process and have them pardon so yes Joey Diaz can't do that can't go to Canada well how but it's been a while since he's I think he's like his is like a pretty aggressive felony yeah murder well no the violent felony kidnapping he kidnapped a man yeah so yeah I think it was it was a pretty aggressive film yeah I think those take longer to get parties other than a DUI how'd you drink a gallon of Kool-Aid today is that still yeah dude can I tell you I [ __ ] love these primes oh you like Prime I really do I really do we I was with my daughters when we were at the beach and they had a big stack and I was like oh [ __ ] this is uh his drink and I grabbed it I grabbed a bunch and put them out at the beach and in the fridge the next morning I'm hungover and I wake up and go I'm gonna try one of these now I love liquid uh liquid IV yeah liquid I've used a great drink this has all the [ __ ] electrolytes all the [ __ ] salts all the taste everything I [ __ ] love these things we have them on our tour bus we have them in our office no way we've got the energy ones at our office too I [ __ ] love these dudes dude thanks man they're [ __ ] great they're great for hangovers they're great for sick they're great for hangovers they're great for [ __ ] hangovers dude that's crazy yeah I love them okay so I got a gift for you then the guys that run Prime the whoever is in charge has been hit me up we'll we'll keep you stocked but I got something for you today because I heard you drink a gallon of Kool-Aid today I love Kool-Aid okay but we got you a gallon of prime they don't make these and we just assembled this today oh my God guys this is so pretty this is almost as cool as a dinosaur bone but I forgot and so we were going to prompt you to drink all of it but uh you know I could go through this oh this is my favorite color red so that's that's you know it's not a Whitney Cummings S course but that's my gift I gotta get that horse still just something horsey yeah just on horse life just yeah it's just something horse-like and then just be like I hope you like it and then just walk away yeah and just be slick and then she'll be like give her a wink or something because she'll go who was that guy yeah yeah because we met the other uh comedian uh uh at George's house come on the the uh here's the problem Chelsea and thank you yeah yeah so so she when I met her um now I'm scared all female comedians so she bro she her energy was just like dude like bro I was like how you doing Miss Handler good to meet you you call her Miss Handler she hit me with a fly swatter some [ __ ] dude like I was I'm scared of that that woman will run through you 100 I won't [ __ ] yourself DM and stuff every now and then she'll send me a DM or something but she's a gangster well because she's dating uh Joe Coit right oh [ __ ] that oh he's still alive though yeah yeah he's still alive because dude you notice he hadn't talked [ __ ] about her no he can't bro I'm just saying he didn't talk [ __ ] about her like if my wife and I divorce I'm trashing her up and yeah I don't can't do that my next special is called Leanne sucks and my hillbilly wife sucks no dude uh I feel it's funny as I I could definitely tell you I feel like I'm teaching you how to [ __ ] my sister though it's like I go I can tell you what to do to Whitney to like because I know what she's into I know what her interests are and she'll be busy as [ __ ] tonight because she'll be running around trying to organize everything I mean this is this is like Loki a dirty move because I love Whitney but I like you yeah what you do is you just walk up to her and go let me know how I can help oh she'll like that wow she'll be like she feels like acts of servitude with her big dude like if I he's Whitney's a person of service God she is consistently well once again I feel like I the opposite's attracting is Big so I feel like I want to [ __ ] her night up hold on don't you wait do you are you attracted to different people than you oh wait I am too yeah I'm not attractive like he's like my best friend and he's he's like a like a corpse but are you attracted to him this is my impression I can't wait for your time to do this podcast I'll be Tom do go uh ask me a question I got it have you ever met hasbla no he told me a story about his son that has me laughing to this I I think of it [ __ ] once a day it's one of my favorite stories he's he's a great he's a great uh play partner like he's fun like you when you guys play together yeah like he's that okay okay and so you just gotta you gotta figure out how to get him to play with you we'll get him then once he gets him to play with you you have a [ __ ] blast but there's been some times where people go man that's a girl on he's a tough interview huh and I was like he didn't like you no we'd get him comfortable yeah me and him our playtime is uh rapid fire like when we get into rapid fire questions mode we we can go for like 20 minutes and just confuse the [ __ ] out of somebody really yeah no why why what's your problem what's going on why are you doing this who cares it's crazy he's not actually gonna drink out of the gallon what does [ __ ] give this is why we don't get a lot of guests back I'm working on this one I'll get into something it's not even it's not even branded correct it's not like Bill Cosby on a date night yeah dude I think Churchill's here right now Winston Churchill is here he's at the door Winston Churchill's at the door is that I just pulled my leg looking isn't it was that that noise Jesus is this one of those party houses that you guys used to get in trouble for having not this one oh we didn't we weren't that group by the way we weren't the no well his brother was the one that would light pools on fire but no no anything bad that ever happened was the Brotherhood that was done so anything I thought all your houses no like neighbors would be like you can't park your car that was that was Jake yeah he did Jake also threw and I'll stand by this one of the best parties La has ever seen those are crazy in his Calabasas house right yeah I saw some weird [ __ ] then yeah everyone did everyone it was just a weird conglomerate of people it was it was um it was real life project bags yeah they were really there was a 50 20 foot dirt bike ramp dirt bike guys doing there was a box of match in the back I was wrestling style Bender yeah random celebs showed up there was a the um was filled with a shitload of people DJ boxing people sitting there was boxing basketball hoops it was nuts I never had a la party like that I don't think that's why it was nice but if it didn't feel like an LA party it felt like you were back home at some sort of college Fest party at night that was but with hot shoes which shouldn't have been happening and somehow even though at the time he was just like a YouTuber kid yeah we both were the celebs caught hold of it wanted to see this this chaos that was this you know two acre property where every ounce was filled with someone or alcohol did you ever go to the Playboy Mansion no I did I did yeah oh he did yeah it was it was cool I went on the on the decline though you know I I didn't get to go during Peak Playboy was he dead when you went or is he still alive he was alive the first time and then but I'm sure you went you probably no I went there I went I didn't I went to to work I do like uh they do like radio shows Playboy Radio we did an interview with Hugh Hefner and they're like very specific about what questions you were allowed to ask oh yeah and I was like I was I didn't care you just asked why I was married with two kids kids so I didn't care if I never got invited back to the place yeah yeah yeah so I was like and I was Hugh Hefner I'm gonna get my minute to talk to him right and the first thing I said was it was not on the list but I said how many hours do you sleep at night and he goes that is a fantastic question oh no because you know I used to be addicted to amphetamines everyone's like whoa see that's why you ask the question and you can see the woman in the back going stop stop the question anymore but I love Diet Pepsi I have about 12 a.m oh I see what he's doing yeah smoke bombs but uh his his hands ice cold uh because he probably was on he was on the decline yeah no he was he was he was lucid big dude he was a big dude really you have to really he was a tall dude it's like but I but I walk away with things like I was uh surprised you guys were as tall as you were when I walked in like I I seen it I've seen I figured you were but I didn't know six one oh [ __ ] you are I I must not have caught that yeah yeah yeah yeah they say dude you're a lot bigger in real life right yeah yeah you go to do you go to La parties like still I've never seen because because they still do like good parties in the Hills I go to them yeah from time to time they go late it's fun you see cool [ __ ] at them but I think sometimes back to like what the parties were like in like the 60s like when like the problem is the phones burnt because everyone has phones now well no but it's that is the problem too but also just people aren't as cool as they were like bro can you imagine going to a party always gonna be boiled down [ __ ] the phones no [ __ ] your phone it's the phones but you think that the because phones were out that people have changed the way they behave yeah yeah no he's right but anything can be a liability anything can be posted you can't live in the moment you can't have fun without fear of being recorded I go to boost it and but online permanence is is horrifying some of the parties I go to people don't care and I've got and usually that's in Scottsdale if you go to a party in Scottsdale the people don't care dude I went to one dude oh my God they got cocaine every we're over the table and there's people doing like in the background like dude I'm at a party and there's dude in the back just [ __ ] ripping a goocher dude like a [ __ ] two foot monster doesn't give a [ __ ] cause they're from Arizona who is the football player's house we went to in it in uh to eat Eli Manning no this guy uh Gabe Davis knew him and he was like let's go to his house he's a big football player and and the nicest guy like as like idiots me and Shane Gillis walked in and went and introduced ourselves John Merriman no oh thank God I forget his name he's a big it was one who a okay oh yeah and it was he's on the scene it was [ __ ] it was one of the coolest parties the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life I'm talking straight up assassin New Yorkers assassins it was in at the Super Bowl it was in uh Tempe and it was I mean there were women I've only been in trouble one time for talking [ __ ] about my wife it was about check I said on the podcast I said I said this it's interesting with her I feel like I would be helpless like I feel like if she wanted to [ __ ] me I wouldn't be able to stop it and my wife was like well hold on she was like I don't like that sentence because then you're saying you'd [ __ ] her yeah I said no I'm just saying I'm talking in the hypothetical she's like yeah but you're saying that she's like you've never cheated on me why would you say that you'd hypothetically hypothetically hypothetically he's like her and Christy Mack I've seen them both in person and you're just like I feel like I'd be powerless I feel like there's no weird [ __ ] dude I can tell I don't fight no you you dude chechik is the grimiest out of all of dude she does wild [ __ ] she does wild [ __ ] and that's and after you told me about flying dildos and all that [ __ ] you're a sick [ __ ] that might be I might be but those there were some women that saquon Barkley's house that were I mean I was a ghost to them they didn't see what I I'm a ghost I'm I'm a Apparition just some 50 year old white dude floating in the background they didn't even know that I existed I wasn't an NFL player I wasn't covered in diamonds these were there was one woman I think about roughly once a week who had a dragon tattooed down her face and throat and uh dark black chick and you can see the dragon I'm I wonder what she's doing like I just randomly go I wonder what that girl's doing today she was an assassin yeah maybe she actually is I but I the only reason I was asking I just think sometimes about my choices in life in terms of partying because I did all my like hardcore drug use in like Bridgeport Connecticut and it was like 26 degrees out and I was wearing like a you know like real shitty clothes and I think to myself sometimes imagine if I had like paused it and taken those eight years and done the drugs now dude like imagine I'm smoking crack at the Edition in West Hollywood just imagine you know what I'm saying I never had to do cocaine in uh in L.A never and never will and ended up at Malibu and being like this is great one girl's like I got some great Edibles that should pull us down and get into it and then you get into a [ __ ] Lamborghini oh you'll never did it I'll never do it it's like it's like Bobby Kelly is a comedian good friend of mine and he quit drinking when he was like 15 16. and I go I go yeah I go so you never got to have like a specialty cocktail and he was like no I just drank like a whiskey out of the bottle yeah yeah and I go wow you never got like a martini or like a or you never had bottomless mimosas like that breaks my heart what could have been what could have been like I still could do drugs I won't I won't that's the cool thing is you don't want to but but you never got the LA moment well it's just tough dude because it's wrong it's not it's not too late for Mike because he does if he does relapse okay and you can't the issue is this dude if he did well you do drugs it depends on the year that you ask me I will sometimes but my here's if you make it out though I'm saying yes what age what age can you say California what else can you say you can write a sequel yeah it become a become a no I need to go the opposite way because I you know I've been on I'm just kidding I've been no I know that but I dreamed no but I need to go like full on because I'm I'm a a good example of of yeah but you don't understand that how sometimes you may say like feel like you're telling us I wanted to say this earlier you may feel like you tell that story about you getting out of drugs a lot and people have heard it you don't understand but no but you said that that's why I was not saying that but you don't understand that people are catching that story on the day they might need to hear it yeah that's why yeah that's why it's important to tell it yeah like I always feel bad because I go even having kids like and watching my daughter's friends party I always feel like you know don't do as I did because like I'm I got really [ __ ] lucky for whatever reason my brain is the brain that didn't get addicted to alcohol or didn't get addicted to Coke didn't get addicted to marijuana I may drink too much but I don't have a drinking problem and and I get I operate at a very high level I work really [ __ ] hard I get up early I work out I I enjoy boy life no it doesn't happen for everyone no yeah not everyone gets to do that not everyone gets to go not everyone gets to go like I won't I I'm gonna get a party bus and go to a premiere of a roast tonight and watch you hit on Whitney Cummings and hopefully we'll hang out with with [ __ ] uh Jennifer Aniston Adriana yeah uh there's a bunch of [ __ ] Ballers that'll be there tonight oh yeah oh really I think uh Foo Fighters are coming I think Dave Groves where is I asked him for a picture know where it was at the event oh I don't know right now are you coming where's Dave Grohl you like Dave Grohl I I don't know who that is wow Bert please ignore that please please please I have to do a podcast with him please stop Bert don't just if it didn't happen Bert stop he doesn't know the song I know the song I know the song of course I asked him for a picture one time he said no Dave Grohl yeah I deserved he's with his kid it was I don't get I don't get Starstruck I got Starstruck it's Dave [ __ ] girl the maybe the biggest [ __ ] rocks one of the biggest rock stars in the history of the planet well I I I uh I think I'm I thought I was going to be indisposed like working out rehearsing uh for yeah yeah I'm going down a [ __ ] zip line that's how I'm entering my my match I'm going on sibling so so so I I don't know like if if I'm free maybe you know what you know what as well I'm super anti-social So currently I am why I think because I'm so sober and I have a girlfriend are you Sober Sober super sober what because of training oh for oh yeah I just want to do well I think I think uh I think I could do something really special if I just like decide and I think I've made the decision so I guess I'm just boring sober athlete again no that's not it's not dude what what you do is fun to watch so with whatever you got to do so that I enjoy it because I enjoy it just keep doing that I'm gonna be honest that's how it works no no that's that's like the seed of my uh dedication right now is I know I have the ability to create moments and memories that last forever in someone's life that's pretty cool dude I look at it like when I tour I just up my production package right so I have my lighting package and I spend a little extra money and I and it was and it was going to cost more but I thought you know I wanted I want to make things special for people not a lot of times entertainers think how can I make it the best thing that they're gonna get sometimes people go how much money can I get give me the bag I want I want them I'm not even saying like like I'm fully loaded we don't make any any money off the door me my family we put all the money back to the festival because we wanted to be amazing for all the comics we have a gangster list of comics on there Tiffany haddish Lewis Black David tell Big Jay oakerson Shane Gillis Mark Norman dance odor uh [ __ ] Rosebud Baker I mean it is a gangster Jim Norton I mean it's a [ __ ] gangster list it's about the event it's about enhancing people's experience in life and it's it's why I drink really because I love to [ __ ] take it up but yeah but when you do that when I saw you in the whatever the one was we were the [ __ ] purple tights and you came flying off the [ __ ] top rope I went dude that's I mean I watched I ended up going and trying to find the match on the on [ __ ] like I was like so whatever you got to do to enhance those moments for people [ __ ] do it because that's what life's about I think it's important forever man I was going to come on a zip line for this tour no way you should well no put you in the [ __ ] zipline like when you can't like they got to take you up there and so you're sitting there watching the opening comics in a [ __ ] harness going like oh you gotta wait so yeah I gotta watch these guys I thought you're gonna say you're gonna come in for a zip line for this podcast no dude I was I wouldn't do the world's fastest zip line I have in Vegas they're called flight lines they go like [ __ ] 150 miles an hour seems safe uh the first the very first person to ever do it the woman lost four toes really what such a nuanced injury why how because they said they now have a rule oh no oh she like dangled her feet too low or something you gotta like keep your legs to your chest yeah yeah and she had him in her so there's there's a uh like a a like a what is it a stopper yeah but you know like and it compresses and it shot around and it and her feet toes went into it as it compressed snapped them off dude and then we did it we did it that day and what happens is you get a Tailwind so if you get a Tailwind on one of these things you can crank up pretty [ __ ] fast and so we got a tail when there's a storm coming we're up in the [ __ ] there's electric there's metal everywhere and they're like we got to get out of here last one let's go I went flying so hard I racked my testicles insanely on it and then I shot back out in the middle of the canyon and we're sitting there while the storm came in Waiting because now they're like how do we get them in because you hit it and then you hey hey I gotta go okay that's it I gotta go okay I love you I don't see you tonight I love you I wish I wish I had a smoother out no it's perfect no Bart this has been great hey guys this has been uh let me tell you something I love Andrew Schultz but and I was I was Shell Shocked after that podcast and I would not want to do any podcast I told I told Tom I'm never doing anyone's podcast and I was bummed because I was really excited to do this I was like I'm not [ __ ] doing it but I'm you guys like gave me Faith in [ __ ] podcasts yes thank you so much for this yeah dude thanks for having us on guys uh if you want to see Bert's new movie The Machine Memorial Day Weekend Memorial Day Weekend Razzle Dazzle streaming right now on Netflix and your tour uh tops off world tours finishing up uh fully loaded is in the summer and then we'll pick it up again in the fall absolutely crushing again gentlemen thank you so much thank you Bert Kreischer thank you for listening to this episode of impulsive we love you hit that subscribe button we'll see you next time take it easy peace

Channel: IMPAULSIVE

Views: 2,295,490

Keywords: podcast guest, Jake Paul brother, impaulsive, impaulsive podcast, logan paul podcast, logan paul, Bert Kreischer, bert kreischer podcast, logan paul and bert kreischer, tom segura and bert kreischer, the machine, party animal, joe rogan and bert kreischer, joey diaz, hasbulla, kim jong un, smoking with snoop dogg, prime drink, vaping, zyn bro, theo von bert kreischer, adriana chechik, joe rogan sexuality, comedian, andrew schulz podcast, bert clowns, theo von fake, jre

Id: -QJhOuLMXdI

Length: 119min 20sec (7160 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 18 2023