KILL TONY #268 - Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee

[Music] [Music] [Music] hey this is Rick coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony get up for Tony Hinchcliffe everybody hi welcome you're at the number one live podcast in the world make some [ __ ] noise yay Brian Redman is up there ryan je belts drawing tonight's episode and kill tony is a boomin we just got back from lovely san francisco where we had an amazing sold-out show it featured a lot of special surprises secret guest Doug Benson Ali makovski did a brand new minute former regular was there and to close the episode doing a rendition of I left my heart in San Francisco the great and powerful aphrodite closed out the show yes getting a standing ovation upon arrival from real kill Tony fans I don't know what this [ __ ] ass crowds about so far but I'm pretty excited to be back here another fun time we have a lot more roadkill Tony's coming up soon don't we and we have breaking news because June 17th for the first time ever getting their own kill Tony Portland Oregon at the Portland helium comedy club one of the greatest comedy clubs in the world and guess what we have another announcement getting their first ever kill Tony ladies and gentlemen Cleveland Ohio on August 1st Wow which is right before kill Tony on three days later at the 4th of August in Fort Wayne Indiana and is different than our kill Tony's in September in Lansing Grand Rapids Detroit with our guest Danny Brown and then the next week Austin Texas in Houston Texas and Dallas Jesus [ __ ] tone all over the place you can even say skank fest yes that's true Breaking kill Tony is also doing skank fest the weekend of July 13th and 14th one of the coolest comedy festivals and there just so happens to be any listeners in Montreal I don't want to leak anything but I heard a rumor that they have a big Comedy Festival there and there's a slight chance that something might be happening there with I mean why not book the number one live podcast in the world if you're gonna have a Comedy Festival right up-and-coming comment festival we celebrate our five-year anniversary on June 18th here with Joe Rogan and DOM era and a ton of special treats and exciting things happening and their tickets where that stuff did we release more tickets we they did release more tickets I think they're gone but there's a slight chance that more will be released as we go because we're gonna figure out what to logistically do with comedians we're thinking about maybe renting out the belly room just be sort of like lining them up in that back hallway if they could just keep their mouths shut or something like that sounds bad I know it does something like a bad idea maybe we'll just have you guys stand in that Lobby area it's the way to do it either that or you could pay for a [ __ ] ticket you spoiled [ __ ] hell yeah if I was a comedian maybe back when I started I'd sign up for this thing Tom Segura is gonna be the guest the week after the five year anniversary so there's a little fun fact for you if you can't get tickets to the five year why don't you come the next week hang out with one of our favorites Tom Segura old fatty speaking of our favorites uh and speaking of Tom Segura and speaking of this amazing show every single week I give you one or two of the funniest human beings in town some of the greatest comedians on the planet this week's no different you've seen these guys on this show before and on many other great things make some noise for the [ __ ] machine Bert Kreischer and Bobbie Lee what what yeah baby here we are back in the saddle again Bert Kreischer Bobbie Lee [ __ ] yeah you know these guys we love these guys Comedy Store stirs they are back on the show welcome back guys what's going on I'm pretty good buddy [Laughter] welcome back Bobbie Lee it's been a while it's been a while tonight had tonight off so I go hey yeah I'm doing cool Tony and Tony yeah right sure is back ladies and gentleman was lo everybody's gone back thank you Tony I love doing this show we love you yeah fun too too fun guys to meet comedians with and hang out and see what their lives are all about look at this eclectic crowd pumping in here guys ukulele hanging out of the back of his backpack Wow black guy with a ukulele what the [ __ ] holy sháá no he's gotta be Hawaiian oh yeah he's white like Sonny Garcia okie dokie um so we have other fun things like a band we do have a band in every single week they commit to doing different characters you never know what they're gonna do in San Francisco they were like white trash Joe Dirt type of like characters sometimes they're a prison break-out peoples you never know what it's gonna be sometimes it's brand-new so let's see what happens this week it's one of our favorite things on this show it's the best damn band in the land the kill Tony ban Jeremiah walkins Joel Jimenez Croma Chris here we go what's gonna happen the anticipation is killing me oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] that doesn't look like show Jimenez at all Wow watch your step gentlemen announcing the Royal kill Tony back [Music] oh this is gonna be loud [Music] Wow share Maya walkins Joe Jimenez chroma Chris [Music] [Music] [ __ ] yes more than I've ever [ __ ] yes before this is incredible for those of you listening to the podcast Jeremiah is a king Joel and Chris are night Wow [ __ ] yeah there has clearly been a 700% increase to the costume budget here on hills own a [ __ ] away for Jeremiah to spend his rent yeah I thought he wasn't making that much money yeah I finally started getting paid for kill Tony how many inflatable saxophones did he sell in San Francisco wow it looks like the only Atlantis tour boy to survive we have chroma Chris silent but deadly over there a white knight if I've ever seen one before and then we have a clearly Mega Man from the old Sega Genesis game playing drums tonight and he's surrounded by the well we um I love these [ __ ] guys it's the 10 piece brass band am I right about that [ __ ] all the show brass back shelf brass band yes clearly tonight playing the characters of bumblebees Wow I mean that's by far good thread count one of those things one of the most grandiose entrances I've ever seen on this show only fit for a king this is exciting apparently Jeremiah's gonna be a king and we have some defenders of the universe backing them up I'm excited as [ __ ] for this that's not even the entire show I could end it right there and we'd all of it event fun there's a bucket filled with comedians names in front of main sometimes it's a person's first time sometimes they've been doing comedy 15 years and they're here to be discovered by the Internet of thousands and hundreds of thousands of listeners around the world right now and never know what's gonna happen I pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 uninterrupted seconds you know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten sounds like that almost can't wait to come out tonight wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out that angry West Hollywood bear you guys ready to start this [ __ ] or what here we are kill Tony 200 in something almost free I'm sure to 68 to 68 mrs. Alvarez all right I pulled a name out of the bucket going up first tonight getting us started 60 uninterrupted seconds goes to Sarah fat to me Sarah [Music] yes Sara pada me ladies and gentlemen I [Applause] just moved here from Ohio a couple years ago that's not the joke and I feel more persecuted out here for being from the Midwest than for being Middle Eastern for your information stuck-up la people we do have uber his name is Mike when I first moved out to Hollywood women my mom was like mark it's your descent as Caucasian I'm like the only Caucasian blood I have is on my car window shield y'all do not I only have one ovary I got it removed last year what one of them I saw the other one I will have children I promise I want to slowly drive by McDonald's and tell him we got rice at home hashtag Persian moms there you go pervs almost like you didn't know that cat was coming Sarah fat to me hell yeah perfect Sarah that's awesome is this your first time on the show yes Mike out from underneath that is killing me yep all the way all the way all the way yeah the chords underneath the mic stand mercury in retrograde Dale how the [ __ ] is taking to it like there we go there we go there you go look at that purse wow that looks like what Jeremiah's outfit came in I'm Persian gold as part of my brand yeah I like the way you think actually so Sarah how many kids do you have how do I look Oh zero she's only got one ovary yeah what part of the show were you no no no no she was a joke I didn't know I couldn't hear the joke but you drove by McDonald's and said I'm gonna slowly drive by McDonald's and tell my kids we got rice at home that's for when I do have kids what's that even mean oh yeah you don't have kids yet that's not the way you want to say that sounds like you have kids at home yeah cuz I'm Persian we eat everything with rice I like this gesture very much you think you eat everything with rice how do you think Bobby feels over here he doesn't understand what silly that's odd the Korean would not get a rice joke haha I like it when the little one is angry [ __ ] [ __ ] you want [ __ ] opening [ __ ] you [ __ ] [ __ ] you haven't given me an opening in two years I could care less [ __ ] your name anyway Wow I apologize that last night I apologize uh-uh no more mr. rice guy sober no you can't build no you can't you can't kill them do not allowed to kill them Bobby Bobby just reached for the sword Joker nailed that joke on certain technical things that can you give suggestions do whatever you want all right just a couple you got first of all connect with the audience right no like how are you just look at people in the eyes man go how are you guys maybe bring the mic stand and back of you because it's a distraction when it's in front of you okay I think the mic stands not your strength I would I would definitely take the approach to pretend I don't know anything about Persians okay it's good so like I think that's a good approach like Sara how long you been on stand up two years two years all in LA yeah you're from LA no I'm from Ohio where were you Tony [Music] all right very good Tony Tony walked away from your set haha not knowing that you're from Ohio and thinking about children hey I did I did forget about that Ohio cart you got me there right side of a Civil War right we're in Ohio toledo toledo and how long have you been in LA three years would you do that first year before starting to do stand-up I came out here for school where'd you go to school Loyola Marymount would you study their writing and producing for television ah interesting how do you make money how do you survive well I just graduated last weekend so that's a good question Wow but but my web series just dropped last Sunday I bet it did Nancy scripted scripted series that's like Persian moms no hash that actually saffron and rose Oh saffron is a fairly big with you people yeah brilliant people yeah well I don't know I'm trying to get into the person I don't know what you call it yeah yeah yeah you people yes Jeremiah is it true that Persians have scales and hide golden caves all up in bel air baby man watch out Sarah so you've been living the college life pretty much yeah so what's that been like what are they what are the kids up to nowadays in college what do they do for fun the whip and the Naenae yes I mean I don't know I'm like 25 years old so I'm like supposed to be past the whole like getting drunk at frat parties [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] do you want to go freak you kids out who weren't a little brown brown Huh What but I'm [ __ ] blood again guys brown brown is the color of all of our family members as well Sarah so what do you do at these frat parties you ever do crazy stuff keg stand anal toys no no no no unfortunately I'm a boring I'm a good girl unfortunately never drink well I know I don't drink you smoke pot no but you're gonna say [ __ ] last thing you want is Persian parents finding out you smoke and drive know what I mean cuz that is are Persians are the ones that think anals not losing your virginity right yeah yeah are you an anal queen like have you pick your next words very wisely yes have you ever had an inflatable saxophone in your butt inflatable thing that's a guy forget it would you like to I'm loving Jeremiah's character yeah so Sarah you say that you're a good girl so like what types of things do you do like what does a good girl do I study like what's like what would you say is the naughtiest thing you've done in your college time [Music] come on you know what it is Wow are you are you are you a virgin [Laughter] Bobbi said that like he was trapping her into sex we can get more for her play your cards right and I'll show you whoa play your cards right I think she I think she thinks you're Vietnamese my cards yes watch out there's a game of Mahjong coming up funny enough my web series is about wow I bet it is I don't know if I got in her ass she said - Wow Brian you don't that's what I like that say butter not hole or something like that make it make it cute you don't finish is not a virgin in her eyes all right Sarah but you do you do you have a boyfriend no no you want any of like the dating sites or something like that I just deleted my tinder because it made me feel like [ __ ] Wow why did it make you feel that [ __ ] I think you just need better pictures or something like that you seem really cute to me I mean if it wasn't working for you I mean but you know I'm not really like the hook-up type you know what I mean I'm like I expected to go find my prince charming on tinder can I ask you something when you say you're not the hook-up type yeah how do you know have you ever tried it I'm just curious would you like to it's funny Jeremiah I used to have a huge crush on you write a second keywords being used to what happened I have a thing for very gaunt white men I think it's the power dynamic she complimented you and roasted the [ __ ] out of you at the same time I used to be in love with you because I like disgusting people sorry I've been eating like a king lately just getting over a case of the gout I do believe hey what's a Persian mom sound like normally normally I have no more questions Tony yeah me neither really normally accompanied by a shoe in her hand when you haven't cleaned your room really [Music] Sara it was a it was a pleasure to to meet you thanks for coming up what's the name of your web series there you go good enough out of me everybody tweet at it later there you go find her on Twitter it's Sara okay i underscore Jo oh and she's going the wrong way she goes oh oh wow much more time for Sara FATA me ladies and gentlemen getting the party started I do believe we have another lady coming to the stage but your hands gonna hurt Paulina calm bow-wow it's a big [ __ ] left in the middle of the room if she comes [Applause] make some noise for the top-shelf brass band ladies and gentlemen and Paulina come bow oh my god hey guys I know you just wrapped it around the other way I'm gonna take the mic stand out entirely this is driving me [ __ ] nuts here we go I got you all right in an uninterrupted 60 seconds for Paulina comeback hey I'm from Nashville not for like Nashville per se but one of those little shitty towns you know where the people with the least amount of teeth can pronounce the most prescription drugs do you guys know about that yeah Bert knows about it I don't know I've been out here like a year and a half the thing that's confusing me the most still is just the grocery stores like first of all you guys have them that's very different but no the other thing is just the names of them like back home our grocery stores are really cutesy sounding names like winn-dixie Piggly Wiggly like that's my first job Piggly Wiggly I was a checker I know I was in the big Louie commercial like that's why I'm here like trying to do my bag it went very well but yeah like we just have cute little sounding names where you makes you think like Oh like I'm fine with serving a animal face to my family but out here you guys have like battered women shelters names for grocery stores like I went to a Safeway there you go Paulina come ah [ __ ] yeah I loved that set that was awesome I hated you on Breaking Bad but I loved your set I'm here tonight but you killed it is Walter White's wife oh yeah where exactly did you say you're from again Nashville in Kentucky my accents way worse right now cuz I had a bunch of canned wine earlier it's not you can take the girl out of Kentucky but you can't take the Kentucky out of the girl and wine we're even by that paint that they don't serve the comics over there that's awesome Paulina how long you been in LA year and a half almost renewed you stand up for a year and a half I started stand-up like about six years ago in Nashville I thought what was thank you they [ __ ] love burden in Nashville I live there too yeah yeah yeah indeed [Applause] you're a legend in your own right they're like hate tears bouncing barbecue and some hot chicken we're talking about eating in the city all right great tell Tony stand-up weekend and for shows at the Grand Ole Opry there this year so I'm pretty sure we're just talking about eating in Nashville right Paulina you you sweet little country girl what do you do for work right now I'm an assistant what four people oh okay yeah you're pretty much looking for work how much does that cost yeah yeah what is it per hour I get pay like $20 an hour hired I'll tell you what I will say I didn't hear a ton of jokes in your set but I feel like I really got to know you like I like you a lot and I didn't and you didn't make me like I smiled along with you what a weird thing that you had me going like yeah yeah Safeway joke was great I just would have sprinkled any more jokes but you're very likable very very likable you have like a Mia Farrow vibe thank you and I could be your son Paulina what do you like to do for fun you have any fun like country habits you play the spoons or anything like that credit for that I like to build miniatures miniature was like anything that's when the candy bars are smaller oh they have other ones like the most recent miniature that you made what is it I'm working on a little uh camper like an old-fashioned you know Canham camper it's a miniature version of it like like a trailer yeah oh yeah I like who you guys calling Yankers we try to be fancy young man do you have a boyfriend no no no no makes little things do you think she has a boyfriend she think she's from Kentucky guys do you have a brother she's from Tennessee not gonna let you do that to me again I like the way you say Minnie you use all the letters when you say it's yours miniatures chairman young suitors pitchers like if he asked me my hobby I'm gonna say miniatures Jeremiah walkins this one confuses me why do you look like a princess but sound like a stableboy [Laughter] so you make miniatures what's your living situation you have roommates how many one are they is a comedian too uh sort of yeah really really small everybody is small compared to me whoa all other women at least all right she has a big dick you heard it here folks [Applause] what's your favorite thing that you've done since you moved to Los Angeles this is your first time living in like a big city other than Nashville I lived in New York for a little bit yeah yeah for just six months what was that like trip fun there no it wasn't the greatest right although all the cars and lights and everything dominicans people hey we found out what he is all right boom what did you not like about it ah at the winter I hated the winter right I moved here in you know winter is coming I like your Safeway joke I like that angle of like you know like all the things you see are different but also like I like authenticity in the south like give me something really southern like like I saw an old man discipline his dog with a shovel one time that's the South right there you don't see that in LA so like give me something real south like you know you're in the South when I'll set it up okay you know you're back home in the south wind when you try to go for a jog and three people ask if you need a ride home that's real that's real I went for a jog I went I'll tell you how they jokes written right now I went for a jog in Alabama my wife has a house in Alabama and these yokels pulled up in with Allie and pulled up in a van I was on a jog and they were literally out of casting go boy what you're running from and I looked at them and said Jews I got attacked by two dogs on that jog you don't get attacked you got attacked by dogs still in the self Bobby any anything else for Paulina no all right what was nice nice to meet you thanks for yeah yeah Paulina combat ladies and gentlemen [Music] all the way from Ana siege to make it in Los Angeles very you likable little country girl moving on all right I believe this person's been on the show before make some noise for Johnny Ross here we go we got action a new 60 seconds who it is well I'm from the south also I'm from Texas and one thing about Texas people we don't like to see nobody sober and they don't like to see us drunk because they know we be acting a donkey eat or E or now now back home you know in Texas I walked some long miles and I think that's the reason why I'm doing comedy now like you know we're with some real hard time one time my ex I wouldn't help her paint her room so she told me she thinks about guys with really long ones and it still haunts me one time I mixed my room with dr. pepper and it tastes like medicine and it still haunts me my favorite college football player Johnny football there you go sure go ahead finish it wait wait finish it Johnny finish the job finish the joke my favorite football player Johnny football game pan out and it still haunts me oh there you go Johnny Rock [ __ ] yeah much like Manzo we could have cut that one short right this was fun I never thought I'd get to have CNN's Van Jones on the show only frame in again what did you say when you first came to stage you went all you said something I think I said main room was hell yeah I've never seen somebody wear a shirt the exact color of their skin before would you do go to the store like I have something this color right here something to make a wonder of my nip why Pete my main nipples look like buttons so it's a shirt okay Tony I said main room was happening yeah that should be your hook line yeah you definitely need to push or so say that up front do a joke and then do the same line again what's happening go ahead go ahead main room was here yep good joke now do a joke was there but yeah really good delivery which is fitting because he's dressed like a UPS driver how long you been own stand-up um going on about a year and a half I started last year are mm of 2016 yeah what ethnicity are you are you oh man my mom's Spanish so I'm Spanish Spanish yeah by Spanish you mean by Mexican yeah what is your father's name but we also got a lot of family from Louisiana we also got a lot of family from Louisiana yeah we got some cash and family from Louisiana to Shreveport and you've been out of Texas for like a year year and a half you sudden yeah this just since I've been here other than that I never been out of Texas we even a major Louisiana Texas or supper always have always happen I'll tell you what's happening I'll tell you what's happening Jeremiah is still waiting for an answer to find out what his father's family name is he's a king and he goes by last names you're from the family Rob pretty sure that's your first name Oh Roth I see what you're saying hell yeah he's from the raw Wow you think I'm a nice agent or something like family's been here a long time we're totally Spanish man Tony I knew this guy was from Texas because his words are chopped and screwed straight-up Johnny would even if it work oh man I do real estate what does your father do for work he had a construction company oh he retired now he didn't build you up sorry do you like men or women sexually women just bang not women no oh I said that's my thang oh you look at them and went that's my bag you definitely are catchphrase guy I don't even think you need jokes just a bunch of good catchphrases yeah I'll be down with that yeah yeah okay that's a good one I'll be down with that you're just a catchphrase maker you're like an app on my phone for catchphrases you know what maybe you may be okay it's okay I'll tell a joke and you'd and you do the catchphrase okay straight up okay let's run it let's run let's run it here we go okay all right bartender walks into a bar we're not bartender walks into a bar fight I [ __ ] up I got I got it I got it [ __ ] you man [ __ ] you let's run it let's run it let's run let's run let's run a grasshopper walks into a bar bartender says we have a drink named after you grasshopper says you have a drink named Steve what happened to you [ __ ] do that again all right good one one per sec alright oh you could be a great compliment on a one-liner comics act like if you just started out in the stage you said it's I'm a Google that I don't know what you're saying that I'm gonna Google that with that I'm gonna Google that yeah now you're a Texas Louisiana Mexican accent is going to is going to impede you your entire career no matter what happens more catchphrases I just say something that happened in your day and drop a catchphrase like went to McDonald's what's happening try it try it try it try it I went to McDonald's do what I said do it do something that really happen to your day that would surprise us yeah what would be like interesting like like I rolled out of bed with a man yeah that's pretty good well it's gonna we're gonna have to workshop this a little more so Johnny what do you do for fun you seem like a guy that would have some interesting habits let's cut to the chase what do you jack off to what I do for fun I like to like stay inside for like three days straight three days straight nice repeating questions to Alexa can you repeat that again please I was high I'm sorry I did not quite get that please repeat hey no I'm gonna keep you on your toes I'm gonna drop a joke and I need a catchphrase a quick ready I wish Alexa had a fleshlight attachment sorry shut her up the way I want to we got accent [Music] [Applause] there he goes Johnny laughs ladies and gentlemen let's keep flying through it - that's it Joan ear off ladies and gentlemen we're moving through smoothly it's a fun episode seven fun out there can I kiss you I but someone please could I get another TT dose in soda in a big glass no line to double Cheetos and sodas then a double Cheetos and soda for the large one and for the little one a Diet Coke please wait how many vape pens you have he has a quiver of vapor I thought of bagging really does okay I pulled into their name out of the bucket we met this young lady for the first time a few weeks ago everybody absolutely fell in love with her she comes pretty much every week put your hands together for the great Cassandra Cass wait as she cops spent on the show once before and it was very fun Cassandra Cass ladies and gentlemen holy [ __ ] okay damn it I haven't been riding I've been so busy okay but I'm gonna talk about eating ass I don't know if anybody in here has done it I know you have sir eating ass is like eating yogurt without a spoon it's very very difficult you know the Yoplait container it's like holy [ __ ] can you guys just roast me I've been such a bad girl I haven't really studied I know I know I'm sorry Aphrodite um okay let me think um um damn I just bombed I'm sorry why my booty picture shake my ass what is happening Cassandra Cass ladies and gentlemen let's just no no I'll jump in [Music] [Applause] Wow I [ __ ] love this band setup that was amazing how about one more time for the top-shelf brass band so Cassandra yeah I mean you have all the likeability and charisma in the world we would have had no idea had you just said anything I know you could have literally said anything for 60 seconds before I haven't promoted no work ethic no no no I had a photo shoot at 6:00 a.m. I'm shooting a new calendar that's not an excuse and I was like I want to come in support I wasn't gonna put my name in the bucket but I thought oh well I wouldn't be called in well I mean I wish you gave us the same effort you give your calendar I mean it's not like I'm gonna buy your calendar in February in December he's missing people all right I wanted you to succeed so badly yeah I can sit on your lap if that will make up whoa Jesus Cassandra use me goddamn it use me which get the rich offstage rich she is a temptress Wow off with its head I think it's heads already been removed Jeremiah [Applause] [Music] wait wait wait wait oh [ __ ] it's been inverted thank you [ __ ] well I mean well I wish you would have let more come out of you here tonight rather than keep it everything inverted every possibly have prepared well I mean what's happening in your world Cassandra that then shooting a calendar anything crazy going on in the way yeah it's so funny I've kind of reconnected with this guy that I broke up with it was very very uncomfortable with dating me and I didn't talk to him for two months and then he came to me and said you know I was uncomfortable with the ideal that I could be in love with a transgender woman so it kind of has been very emotional for me right and then you looked him in the eyes you said Bobby of course I freaking know no no I said I said I said bend over bend over and let me look that I had Wow is that really true you look at this ass absolutely how long did you uh lick his ass for well I mean you really ate [ __ ] here on stage tonight if I can say so myself but I did I stopped I admit it I apologize now why don't I just out of my curiosity if you don't mind me asking how long does an ass eating session from Cassandra Cass last it depends on the app well I mean how long did you eat his ass for on that day this is really making me ask this question I've been like I'm very comfortable with my sensuality and sexuality like five minutes I think a lot of straight guys need to get over that [ __ ] King Jeremiah what do you think about getting your ass eaten for five minutes at least nine minutes no less [Laughter] this is my impression of me asking my wife to eat my ass you ready yeah hey uh will you eat my ass what nothing I can tell that you are a baby wipe kind of man oh I'm Billy I have the Asian toilet that squirts water up your ass I'm like his name is Bobby here [Music] I gotta be honest with you this I hope this is a progressive statement but why is all transgendered men are so [ __ ] hot because anytime I see a really hot jagger go now that's a dude yeah there's no way a woman could be as hot as you because a woman would never do all the [ __ ] that we want like your legs are perfect your arms are flawless you look more like a women than any of the women that we're on stage here you definitely look more like a woman than my wife [Music] however Johnny Roth sounded more like a woman than you do just kidding Cassandra I commute so I guess you know for you podcast listeners she's transgender beautiful I guess a question a lot of people have like when you say inverted like split open and right you had a full-blown operation yeah everything done right oh and I'm not a no I need to educate you no I don't know anything I don't know no I know that's right what's wrong with America no no I'm not meeting that sir you have to choose thank you okay I'm not a transgender man I'm a transgender woman but then I don't even go by transgender I'm just [ __ ] Cassandra Wow wait hold on what is the deeply why'd you give me transgender woman means you went from male to female oh you were saying transgender man there's nothing man here except maybe my boys okay your boys your voice oh I thought you said your boys I went what you kept your balls that'd be awesome dynomite mom who doesn't love playing with her balls I got rid of the dick vagina and some great balls I keep them in the fridge Bobby but Bobby's too shy to ask this so do you self Lube like how does your vagina know people want to know that's what I want to know that's it good question okay wait no no let me see your hang on to hole does it sweat or is it your cuz your dick is tucked in is it your own come from the dick sit down [Music] Bobby is being manhandled here tonight I'm gonna show you no I'm gonna show you turn your hand okay Bobby just fart Dom so you spit on your hand and rub it on your job I prefer lotion I like flowered lotion but yeah you know you have to use Lube you don't self lubricating tight pod in there so iPod yes by the way by the way this is I I don't know if it would work in Dayton Ohio but this is material I would [ __ ] paid a year like if you could talk about I'm dying to know more about this yeah I not not what I don't like no I mean I never mind came out wrong that's his way of saying I believe he wants his a seat no no or anyone you're not my time no no I meant I meant no what is your time what is your time guys who work out work and work out to Allen LA shallow [ __ ] [ __ ] all right human are artists Wow do you can no I think you're very handsome in your own way so you're saying when you say they work out you're saying you like muscle ilaria no I mean listen I don't care at the end of the day I've been with tall short fat I mean the last two boyfriends I had one was you know he was anything I'd look at he had a good heart is there a depth is there a certain depth that only your vagina can handle my vagina could handle him right now it's very thick go [ __ ] yourself all right it's a spam can it's spam can i I haven't had sex in like two months so I usually start working I doubt that I can tell by your index Wow alright tend to like Italians both my last boyfriends were telling I like that fiery kind of passionate I think it's joked dealer get choked and all that yeah I do like to be choked I mean I'm like you know I'm looking look at me I dressed up like all these crazy characters I like to roleplay so lovely are there any are there any transgender females that are prudes oh yes I mean I get a lot sex for you at all it's about no no it's a goal I did this just to feel comfortable with myself but I figured if I was gonna do it I want it to be a a hot you know a hot chick you know right beautiful yeah but I'm so driven by sex no I love sex do you know how get me wrong I love me too I have sex with my sister ha ha ha are we related oh my god I think that Lannisters about to put it in our cannister if you know what I'm saying holy [ __ ] air down the Dragons embers burn very very I think that's what just happened Cassandra it was fun to see you you know you just have to not say the only thing that you can do is show weakness on that stage I show no major weakness and you got a you know drop that my name in a bucket until I got a set thank you all for being patient and kind Cassandra Cass ladies and gentlemen I love that there you go Cassandra Cass there she goes I swear to God I know either she's so much fun like I'm I'm nervous that my type is dudes like I looked at her and I was like why wouldn't my wife look like and then I whole time I'm like and then what I was like he said he was like you were like yeah I was like shut the [ __ ] up yeah yeah all right I pulled it on the name out of the bucket put your hands together for mark Sierra Matara was a big pop from the right side mark Sierra Mataura [Music] [Applause] see our avatar uninterrupted 60 seconds for mark Sierra mataró I am Italian sorry Bert okay I know I know I look like the Community College version of Jonah Hill I mean comedy ruined I join a super bad room my high school years and my comedy career before it even started sauce the reason why I don't look at mirrors anymore it's [ __ ] terrifying you know [ __ ] Bloody Mary you see me three times you're gonna get [ __ ] pepto-bismol anyway so I don't know if you interviewed dad's been to jail but mine has and I have some questions for him like hey Dad you know did you did you do anything in jail like did these cigarettes US currency or the question I really wanted to ask him for a long time hey Dad did you get [ __ ] in the butt or did you [ __ ] butts cuz that's a really [ __ ] hard question to ask anyways I got a question for you fellas hey how do you shave your [ __ ] I've shaved like this I got they tipped my head and I pull it out shaved my [ __ ] like that my buddy looked at me like it was the most inhumane thing I'd ever seen I was like look dude so I don't have a [ __ ] around to show you okay sorry next one mark BRR oh hell yeah I like the charger hanging out of your pocket you look like if a Jewish guy worked at an Apple store and I remember when Eric Cartman was funny or the beating mark this is your first time on right it's my first time doing stand-up for like trying it Wow the big thing that's a big deal [Music] top this sherry I couldn't even see you from the [ __ ] boonies over there you guys are badass well you have you guys really are badass you have really interesting ears like your ears looks like you have earrings I get him after my grandpa like big earlobes that was my nickname in high school my football coach gave it to me I tripped one time he grabbed my home and he [ __ ] head-butted me and he was like yo dude you're tripping over your lobes and then everyone was like oh yeah yeah never tell that story again so you said your dad was in jail right your dad was in jail why was your dad in jail he actually had he actually was holding on to some stolen stuff somebody was like here hold this stuff and it just happened to be a couple paintings from OJ's house wait a little while the old house shed did they have any blood splatter on them no I've sue dad stole OJ's paintings he he was the one that held them yeah we get it we get it we got it we're not yeah we all know what that means I want petruk I'm saying a little too much how long do you spend in jail for stealing a murderer's paintings they gave him six years Wow yeah so now he's out mm-hmm did you ever ask him any of those questions no do you want to not really but I mean yeah it bothers me but it's also something that I don't really want to give your dad's number I do you want to call him right now on no no no I gotta go with Burt this makes me so uncomfortable confront your father to a duel now how often do you talk to your dad uh I went fishing with him on Friday that was the first time I saw him it seemed pretty close why don't you call him let's ask them if he ever got bug bugs come on getting my call put him on speaker yeah yeah perfect here we go mark Sierra mataró calling by the way by the way by the way hold on if he has was raped in prison we're bringing up the worst day of his life but if he was the rapist in prison we're bringing up the best day of his life come on Bert you got a look at the positives all right so when you put it on put it on hold on put it on speakerphone and then put the put the butt into the microphone which is probably what your dad did in prison by the way did he go to like did he go to a federal prison or like like a what kind of prison at Corcoran he's in Corcoran State I think hit Send put it on speakerphone calling his father Mark CRM itami to be really quiet I gotta get rid of a bulldog tattoo everybody has to be quiet sorry I have t-mobile pretend like we're not here okay yeah you just call them out of the blue to find out to be our [ __ ] prison continue just woke up like you're like doubt dad pick up it's gonna be a normal dad like he always is okay yeah yeah just be like dad I was just curious don't let your phone number play so much for the fishing trip you guys went on oh yeah hey wait here's what here's what I would say comedy-wise what did you really ask him like like go into the authentic part of like what did you really say to him did you ever talk to him in he's in prison yeah not when he was in prison I only went and saw him once but we did do the glass thing are you serious I don't do the glass side I put my hand on the glass once in six years you only visit him once in six years yeah Wow trying to make feel bad raping stealing calling her letters he wrote letters it's called a legal pact mark what do you do for work I actually am unemployed right now so that's why I had the time to come out here yeah what was the last job you had I worked in an elementary school for eight years Wow you do there I worked that before and after school tutoring centers so honestly I just dumped on kids for a couple hours a day you think you took dumps on kids that's you that - this is the first time you ever performed in live um this is the first time I've ever performed it live yes well I just want to say this it was a brave thing that you just did all right so I really have any notes with you because it's your first [ __ ] time but you're a brave guy and congratulations welcome welcome to life welcome to life yep see how did your dad nutmeat Oh Jay really he just decided that was the house he was gonna break mark let me ask you this Wow the machine in the washing machine laughing together amazing balloon mark how did your dad get how did your dad get caught just paintings of OJ and the Heisman pose I wonder where he stole those from I guess somebody else thought he was with that worked that job oh [ __ ] what happened to that guy did your dad ever did your dad ever confront the confront the guy that snitched him out he's actually he's actually dead Wow crazy mr. CI mataró you're one of the first people ever in my life to get my name right like pretty fast yeah yeah yeah I'm one of the tough young rising comedians in the world so mark how did the guy die the guy that ratted out your dad in his sleep or questions I didn't ask I didn't go to Dee Dee got stabbed did he really yeah it's gonna be on Forensic Files one day and he was away with the murder until this live podcast happened guy was stabbed he was snapped do you know how hard it is to have street cred in prison when they go what did you do I was holding on to some painting their own J's baby to answered my own question mark I love your style you look like both a both a life aquatic character and a submarine at the same exact time I don't know how you pull it off kind of what I was going for well your first time doing stand-up your first time on the show I think I heard some friends or something go crazy over there somebody knows you over there knows me over there you got you have some fans already I didn't know there were people over there and there you go there he goes getting away with murder Marcia mataró is first time on stage Wow we're meeting some real people up here tonight this is fun Marcia Armagh Taro's first time oh that painting things got yeah I love giggling this looks like a new name put your hands together for Peter Kim Peter Kim here we go we got movement from the far left corner I remember most of the names like cool line I think Peters ad unit that's my boy he opens for me yeah my boy drier periods and upper Peter Kim ladies and gentlemen hey guys hi it's me Kay Bobby Lee I'm just kidding Bobby is Korean and I'm just a very sleepy Mexican that wasn't a racist joke but if you didn't laugh at that you might be a racist I'm trying to be a better Asian I'm trying to represent my people better you know but it's hard because I actually am a very bad driver and and I know it sucks it really does but it's not I don't think I'm a bad driver because I'm Asian you know it's just really hard for me to concentrate on the road when I'm constantly doing long division you know gotta carry the one I'm also a Prius driver which is the worst because the only thing worse than an Asian driver is an Asian driver you cannot hear coming Peter Kim ladies and gentlemen I like it [Applause] [Music] [ __ ] yeah Wow Peter cam great job thank you first time on the show right first time yeah hell yeah there is you do stand-up right you do stand-up I do yeah I can tell the one thing you did that no one else has done properly is handle that mic [ __ ] stand like it's it I'm telling you I says in regular car like even when I go on the road sometimes you will get the mic cord stuck under the mic and it will [ __ ] you up your first couple minutes and that you as soon as you did that I want always a smooth sailin cool that's the first thing I learned in stand-up yeah first time right before I even went up someone take the mic and move the mic stand over the [ __ ] side that was great I loved I loved that silent deadly Asian joke oh yeah thank you that's great very very fun performance how long even one stand-up about six years yeah yeah really shows oh thank you really really fun all in LA is [ __ ] guy yeah it's okay I let him say your friends okay guys come on I thought you I thought you guys just started getting along again the two different sides of Korea right I thought you guys I thought you guys were brothers now all of a sudden you're ever here launching missiles at the guy neither of us are North Korea we don't have the body for that yeah this is what happens when you get Bobby Lee wet after midnight but this kid yeah you're friends with my girlfriend first right Gilbert Gilbert Gilbert so all my podcasts have a guy named Gil breeze our engineer he's friends with this guy so he opened for me a couple of times and I just can't follow it this guy is a beast he was nervous tonight I was and you still got laughs but this guy when he's loose he's so [ __ ] good no I can tell yes amazing yes from LA no I just moved here from where Chicago oh very cool yeah very cool I like it and you make all your money don't stand up I make no money doing anything I'm actually on on unemployment yeah so yeah that's what job did you have that you got unemployment from I wasn't an actor you were an actor yeah like a sketch comedy for me Bobby Stan Ben ha ha I wish I would thank you know I was I was a sketch comedy person in Chicago and you're gay yeah you have a boyfriend I do yeah how long have you guys been together almost three years holy [ __ ] Wow he's good-looking too yeah is he an Asian boyfriend or white he's white yeah yeah yeah what a disgrace ha ha ha have you ever sucked an Asian dick Peter I have is it nice we doesn't have like lychee fruit kind of a flavor mochi ha ha ha yeah like a dragon fruit type dragon no Peter have you ever seen my penis I've ever shown you my penis I haven't seen it in person I've seen it in video online online yeah yeah yeah it's ugly is it not it looks like an orc yeah more like a hobbit but no I mean we have the same exact penis no minds you know what mine looks like a sick alien now remember when et was in the river and he was dying flowers blow is gone mine looks like the pig from Charlotte's Web Peter your boyfriend I'm sorry were you going on no go ahead your boyfriend move out with you from Chicago yeah yeah yeah you guys came out here at the same time we did huh what does he do he's an actor and a comic and writer very cool yeah he's white he's white yeah white how pure is his bloodline blond hair blue eyes has he ever said the n-word no time you hear that pause before you know it's because we taught me talk about it a lot and how he the end worse say it yeah yeah he wants to say it's so bad and what the bedroom or something like yeah I just call me what no I'm just is he ever racist like when you're making love toward asia's that you [ __ ] fat Gugu like where the fat come from well you're not skinny okay all right weightless a racist up to you like no he doesn't he's actually roll like he's a cool dude he's from Minnesota his parents raised my oh I know it sucks there's like some kind wait let's work a bit where your boyfriend's a racist I have a joke about that oh I like it let me hear it okay I have a joke about how okay well so my boyfriend's very woke and I wish it was a little less woke you know he gets very like uncomfortable when I try to do racist if in the bedroom you know so any the other thing is he is beautiful he's six foot one you know blond hair blue eyes you know and I look like fat Kim jong-un and just Kim Jong the actual punchline was Kim jong-un who started eating kale but who cares anyway so one thing I really love doing is because he kind of looks like a young Harrison Ford and I look like fat short round that was the joke and so I like to do this I like to be in the bedroom be like no Indy no no dr. Joe's number temple of do and he's [ __ ] hates it I actually do that with my girlfriend I dress up as a fat Indiana Jones and [ __ ] shortround it's really like that's real yeah it is way creepier when he says it okey-dokey dr. Jones we did not need the act out good job Peter yeah so fun all shapes and sizes that's a six year comedy veteran Peter Kim dropping in for the first time ever to do a minute on Kel Tony what do you think should we bring up our regular why not uh this guy is an absolute kill Tony sensation you know him as the newest regular he writes and performs a brand new minute every single week in his short time as a regular on the show he's gotten signed by a big agency and manager and all that great stuff he's a true true example of what can be accomplished with a positive attitude and funny jokes let's see what happens this week put your hands together for the great Malcom hatchet [Applause] [Music] what's up y'all Hey I want the file guys and news folk I was working I mean what type of [ __ ] is this no I'm sorry what can we do about it now I need a discount on something everybody here so all my money he's I got a cousin he killed two people but scared of dogs and Tommy say he gonna shoot me I'm gonna get a two-hour on your ass I start barking well cousin trying to rob somebody that's not a bark he dropped the gun that is why every time you get some [ __ ] from a girl and be ready to leave she be like so you like me no [ __ ] you was the only one up Nick give me my damn cold [Laughter] why won't blacken people get in car accidents they lie to give money somebody hit my car earlier I wasn't hurt the cop was like man you know you could have got a lot of money out of this I was like how he said it'll back Andrews Malcolm hatchet ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music] [ __ ] yeah another new buddy from the great Malcom hatchet very fun stuff the sugar guys his first time seeing Malcolm initial thoughts you're great the what I like I like the little stuff that I feel like her jokes written for me when you go [ __ ] give me my coat little stuff like that like those little those little specifics make me know that it really exactly [ __ ] give me my coat you know what it is it's this it's like you're intrinsically funny you know yeah see somebody like crystally is a good example of somebody these jokes are good but everybody Chris when I first saw him he has just likes this light fun energy and you have that same thing and it's hard to find and you you're how long you been doing stand-up oh three and a half years yes so you're young in it and oh do ya vodka just Hooters [ __ ] yeah yeah just meet here seven still sleeps in his car his car broke down he put it GoFundMe up to all the kill Tony fans and got the you know twice the money of uh GoFundMe to get a nice car did your car really get [ __ ] up I was I was shocked you want to go I don't Bobby Lee's giving you a handful of money right now there you go a handful attachment Buffett baby but it's amazing you can watch his eyes great on Instagram stories any shows like you want how he goes to the thrift store and like saves money you know by getting off stage clothes for you follow me I'll follow you right now there's your Instagram Oh Malcolm h-12 mal Co Malcolm how many yeah follow you how many Instagram followers do you think 20,000 that's good Mel welcome 12 Malcolm age 12 I'm a deeply sorry you gotta you the only thing you got oh yeah Paulie stop playing man follow back I'm gonna fall back yeah let's let me get you some followers but doing a story with you hell yeah and you just pointed Bobby and go this racist mother fine okay pretty car here's Malcolm what were you thinking about Bobby this pitbull eating cat looking [ __ ] [Applause] are you starting another riot follow him he look like an iphone emoji back let's pitch rush hour 4 negative 4 hey hey real for real the only thing I will tell you advice wise in this business is do not do not rest on the laurels of how likable you are and how oh yeah it is forget laughs keep writing material I'll be back tough but it don't work but y'all know I'm like that's that because you're you are very naturally funny you could literally eat crackers on stage and people die laughing that was rice as well yeah well wait I didn't wait wait that wasn't right you black people no breeding cracker Oh eat crackers oh I get it oh I didn't realize you could eat oh you could eat crackers on stage oh you gotta use that as a joke I eat a cracker one night she was on her period I love that Oh [Applause] everything else in life going good things picking up do any uh do anything crazy last week Oh last week not that I can remember were you from North Carolina what's kiichi mean kitty yeah which mean like using an thinness look at that kiichi [ __ ] Oh crazy okay do you know he reminds me of is a young Mike I'll get outta time do my salt let me tell you I saw him when I first started to stand up that guy murdered harder than anyone I've ever seen [ __ ] baby come I just finished blue that's crazy yeah is it I do write it yeah well it's about him so he probably did it right I mean I would be comfortable getting schizophrenia and his voices in my head yeah no it's true that's why we made him the first ever male regular in the history of the show and we're excited for a new minute every week from him live here on the Internet at the Comedy Store and on kill Tony he'll be here every week and a five-year anniversary it's Malcolm hatchet ladies and gentlemen what do you think back to the bucket right should we we meet somebody should we get another double Tito's and soda there you go stray dog nothing TT doesn't soda prefer crasher all right uh this looks familiar put your hands together for Jess would Jess would if she comes yeah this is a fun one oh yeah she was on a few weeks ago couple weeks ago good side food period of a dress would ladies and gentlemen come on so I was raised by hippies in Topanga Canyon and everybody was naked all the time like all the time naked not a nudist colony not that structured just naked pretty sure I've breastfed off five different ladies you know she's like here it's free and it's love just take it it's free love yeah who made this baby that's awesome I just found out what my first word was as a baby I was so excited I was like oh my god was a mama was dad no apparently my first word was ear that's exciting to find out it's kind of scary when everybody's naked around you you know especially your dad maybe you're looking for a Monday and you're just like oh oh [Laughter] Jesus Christ I heard for that oh thank you there you go just wood how about that oh I remember you you were on the show two or three weeks ago you've been doing stand-up was it seven your way no you didn't you never even admitted to us how long you been doing it seven years yeah so it's been a while - even doing stand-up and you're very funny we had a great interview portion with you were you admitted to having was it five abortions yes well your five kids I made the right choice I guess so if they are female throw them in the well and another fun set here tonight thank you so how's life going it's good it's really good I'm I haven't done acid recently we talked about acid last time I was here talked about PCP smoked a lot of PCP right not anymore I'm like but I have smoked a lot like so much that I'm really happy to be here I see what you did there you feel me me too right I see you can do it I'm not gonna tell you who but somebody up here wants to know why you just never used condoms with a guy why do you just keep getting abortion you allergic to rubber or something like I didn't get pregnant off a condom once once a diaphragm because I'm 92 and once off the sponge and once are you putting him there ass or something you put him in there how could you get pregnant all the times using all those different things you're lying fertile yeah but I like what you just did right there I got pregnant off a diaphragm because I'm 92 I don't think anyone knows like I don't think people use diaphragms anymore but that's funny put that in your act this sponge what was that about you would just get cream pied and shows was the [ __ ] that sounds like I've never used to the spa I would have carried around if I was alive back then I would have had sponges in my pocket just ready to go that's the chick would I think she'd moisten it put it in her vagina and then you just hit it like a [ __ ] heavy bag just go he can off the market cuz everyone was getting pregnant from it like definitely unloading chicks with a sponge yes I guess it's not really a cream pie it's probably more of a sponge cake right suggest what I asked you what you do for a living last time you know for money I'm a waitress oh really what Denny's are your waitresses rhaskos is it no I wish I wish I worked at Roscoe's no it's some shitty place on Fairfax I don't want to I mean I I'll get fired you already don't like me because I'm a Jew so you're Jewish yes they love Jews on Fairfax what are you talking no it seems weird it seems very weird you were born in a Jewish uh I just got high so my head's not working right what's that no my mom was a Jew got a nose job and changed her name when she moved to LA from New York because she was an actress and that's what you're supposed to do was she successful no was she on anything we might recognize odd the last starfighter [Music] it's like a weird cult movie yeah I was gonna say the two guys clapping look like real nervous later in life or did you do stand-up quit and then come back I mean what's your story did you I did yeah I did stand-up and for a year and I got on def Comedy Jam and then they broke my heart cuz they didn't know what to do with me because they wanted to put me in FUBU and braid my hair and I was like no I want to be myself and they were like well we don't know what to do with you so and they kicked me to the curb and I it was sad so it broke my heart so I stopped but I was doing like one-person shows I could never stop being on stage and telling my story oh yeah you should have worn the FUBU and braided the hair you could have been the new Tiffany Haddish so that was def Comedy Jam B you refuse I'm pretty sure you refuse to tell us the year right even though I told you last time it was 96 I was 1896 yes sire yes sire all right how old are you I think we're all I think we're all pretty much the same age say your age wench Los Angeles tattoo you have on your right due to a very aggressive I love that you're born and raised here I am born and raised here and the guy who did this was a graffiti artist that I grew up with who was homeless for a while just in jail for a while and now he's out and he's clean and he's doing tattoos so he does a lot of my tattoos and to pay for did you Jack hit him off I wanted to though I want to use the outlaw like him like outlaws did he get his record expunged cuny tattoos on your diaphragm my mom had a tattoo on her titty my mom is dead now but it's okay she didn't like this life but she had a tattoo on it on her titty and she always liked to show everybody and I don't have any tattoos on my titties well that's but women that I met your girlfriend wait wait wait I want to hear this story we are my light just came on make some noise next time just hit the spotlight and turn off off the stage lights or that happen [Music] oh [ __ ] you guys made out Brian what do you gotta say about that I don't remember this but before my mom died she told me my dad wasn't my real dad and a little late in life to find that [ __ ] out so sucks yeah so I I was 20 that right before she died so you told her she told you that then you killed her yes No at least it wasn't incest then what the [ __ ] for a second I thought that myself is one of the top shelf brass band guys trying to make a joke during my show come on sudden I realize it's you a whacky boy over here so how'd your mom die just in her sleep she wasn't sick or anything she's just how long before she died in a bear trap oh I thought you meant she was gonna choose to sleep on railroad let me [ __ ] you guys that is actually pretty funny now that I think about it my mom died in her sleep [Laughter] where did she's now dying him that thing oh she's not she died in the thing I get what you're saying by the way burden it is really funny like it's like my mom died in her sleep yeah she was flying an airplane and she fell asleep it's not working she ran into some guy that was carrying two paintings down this [Laughter] she's a really bad dog elliptic Jess you are such a fun interview anything else you think that's worth talking about us they're just gonna tell you that idea made with a guy that was a criminal for 35 years that I'd never met before what do you mean DNA like we swab spit in the car in his Mercedes daddy was dry and I was like [ __ ] you you have a Mercedes I was raised on welfare I needed you know maybe he's my dad I was really excited that he would be my dad he sold coke to richard pryor like i wanted this guy to be my ride right it was a cool you know drug dealing on the lam guy but he died too it's a [ __ ] great study diners [Laughter] [Music] all right there she goes just would thank you great stuff that's come on she's a comedy veteran make some noise for Jess would take so long it takes a lot of guts to sign up for this show whether you have a lot of experience or not what do you guys say we go to the bucket one more time I don't know the second level didn't really make any noise you guys think so one more all right let's do it all right put your hands together for Sid Williams there we go Sid Williams is your final comedian of the night getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds one more time for Sid Williams everybody I [Applause] got an email at 4:00 in the morning from Best Buy which is like first off get the [ __ ] out of my ebay Best Buy if you're close right now don't [ __ ] me if I can't talk to you don't [ __ ] talk to me Best Buy I can't bother you at 4:00 in the morning don't bother me so he's telling me that they send me this marketing email it's like hey you want to buy a [ __ ] $2,000 TV no Best Buy I don't so I unsubscribe right they sent me they send me a second email just to be dicks let me know hey you're unsubscribed but by the way it's gonna take 10 business days for the unsubscription to go through the electronic superstore of the [ __ ] world's going to take 10 days done can't you get buck in geek squad to unsubscribe me you [ __ ] yeah that's all I got oh I love it wow that guy is he's like Bill burr but with no punch line he's so passionate about this so upset he just really passionately told you what happened you really tell Sid accidentally leaves his alerts on his emails when he's trying to sleep [ __ ] best buy on the write this down in my joke book this is the email I've been waiting for new material just writes itself email you're like the weirdest looking dude I've ever seen in my [ __ ] life why don't you address that out front of a black Spielberg [Laughter] [Music] no no he's over here I can we just like timber drew you yeah let me just catch you guys up human address that up front I haven't I haven't quite figured that out yeah okay like what I look like don't like you look like look like Drake meets world yes yes we have a we've been over this with Sid a couple times telling him what he looks like I believe I once told him that it looks like someone put his head into a vise was it an elongated levites said that he has a face that looks like an athlete's foot right it's long all right Sid what do you think you look like if you could describe yourself in a silly way well I think probably the best way would be Drake meets world my god I got when I was a kid I got Cory Matthews a lot yeah what about biracial Doug funnie from the cartoon Doug on Nickelodeon and the 92 dudududududududududu that Rugrats it kind of looks like you tip his face and then I pinched and zoomed but pinched and zoomed out what I mean like yeah you mean like put it in a vise yeah I don't know what pinch and zoom is it's hard to do ranch type of comedy in 60 seconds it is I have a my I have a 15 minute rant about male no no no it's about my previous jobs it's a 15 minutes I've been working on it for like seven months or so it's pretty sharp 15 minutes what's longer the Joker your face [Laughter] so funny but but it's more rant style actually the joke I did tonight somebody told me to do it it was the first thing I ever did at an open mic I just basically like typed up a Best Buy rant and then I did it at an open mic but I was like a lot you know I just started rants are tough because they're not they don't really start as rants they have to build yeah and then you just got to be a joke you got to find the joke first yeah that allows you into the rant so if I were you I'd take that Best Buy thing and just get give me a punch so I'm along for the ride yeah I have that longer rant and it's like it builds from the very start like it starts low and then it escalates and I had been working on it for a while and it's got jokes throughout I didn't I didn't know my friend was like just do that Best Buy thing at kill Tony it's only a manager that person is not your friend he's my he's my he's my manager so we'll have to have a talk oh really you have a manager I just got him last month Wow manager the best spot right what do you do for work I manage an apartment building you manage it oh really my wife did that yeah I know it's really great it is it's a life saver dude it's about I did I never wanted to leave that apartment yeah for 35 South Detroit Street that's a good neighborhood it was great neighborhood yeah yeah we're the top I'm interested I'm interested with the top loft it was [ __ ] amazing dish washer which is also another game watch is your floor space the square feet I don't know what ours was back then so sit how long you been managing apartments for it's been it's been three weeks if you looked at a year yes what's uh one of the most of the calls about you have to like plunge toilets I get a lot no I don't do any of that I just get a lot of like just useless stuff you know like people caught most of the stuff I get calls about is like stuff that doesn't matter you know they're like hey my smoke detector is out it's like all right [ __ ] off change the battery you know I go you know it's it's it's a lot of that stuff get a real microcosm of humanity when you manage an apartment building my wife bulimic schizophrenic a person who's addicted to meth we had a drug dealer like there's bizarre things like we had a drug dealer in the cops would just try to bust him all the time but he was our neighbor anybody wants my turtle this week yeah sure it's IIIi would definitely delve into that that's one guy yeah I'm kind of waiting to him out of it oh yeah you know what I mean it's kind of like a life saver what should Bridgers person you're building right now this old Filipino dude he just won't ever leave me alone like he'll he'll come to our door at 6:00 in the morning everybody else you know what he'll come to what to our door oh my god you like everyone else texts and emails cuz everyone's yeah and then he'll six in the morning just ringing the doorbell and it'll be over nothing you know it's just like you wake up like don't you know it was just two hours ago since I was awakened by an email Sid what do you like to do for fun what are you like your hobbies when you're not doing stand-up and working at the apartment building you seem like you're into like like what is it like pinball or something like that I do you know stand up a few nights a week I have a show every Wednesday so that's a thing comedy Chow gonna plug it every Wednesday at the Hooters of Hollywood [Music] owners you should really do this oh you should love Hooters yeah Tony's done it a few times he loves Oh Joel did it yeah it's cool they built the frame put a lot of love into it yeah so we do that every Wednesday I do that would you put me right if you walked in we probably saw you but the second time we probably key word probably one never and then I have a girlfriend that takes up a few nights a week as well how long you been doing that mooder show I've been involved personally for about a year and a half I've been hosting the Open Mic portion for about a year is your girlfriend here what does she do I just want to see what she looks like she manages the building with me and she bartends at night and she does like modeling and Tony the bad said she looks like Patti mayonnaise it's another Doug joke all right I'm really bad with references I don't get any references yeah yeah all right wait what is it I'm half white and half Puerto Rican oh really his ethnic background is ha are you an angry guy and you have I'm really not yeah can you I just interrupted you like a dick yeah no I uh no I'm not my-my-my like comedies kind of angry but in real life I'm pretty chill but I think comedies kind of like the venue for me to get it out or you have a macro range I don't get it yeah a very famous tennis with a [ __ ] John McEnroe is what does he do know is they wouldn't there's no way he would know this when we were kids yeah amongst all ages how are you 28:25 Puerto Rican is your mom poor tareka no your dad's Puerto Rican mom mom's Mordo Rican yeah I could I could tell you where Puerto Rican when most your jokes lost their power halfway through Wow that was a very quick joke honey I gotta give you props for that was very funny and that's how an episode of kill Tony goes down that's Sid Williams ladies and gentlemen he's on Twitter it's it the adult wow what a fun episode hey can we make some noise for Bobby Lee and Bert Kreischer you guys plug some dates please the drawing from Ryan J Ebell check that out you guys plug dates please for the love of God people are listening all around the world on tour I'm at the stardome in Alabama sometime in June yeah Bobby tomorrow night I'm on a sitcom splitting up together watch it Jeremiah Watkins yes give it up for the at top-shelf brass band on Instagram all over you and you can follow me on social media at Jeremiah stand up and listen to my podcast Jeremiah wonder great chroma Chris was here all night tonight I don't know if you guys were paying attention but he was there chroma Chris what you think about tonight's episode I absolutely loved it Tony you could say it was a good night yeah Chris I've only make some noise for Joel Berg ladies and gentlemen Schulberg on social media mostly sorry on everything what else Joel thank you to San Francisco we had a really good time there this weekend at top-shelf brass band for everything top-shelf brass band I love you guys Josh Martin was amazing with us this weekend in San Francisco all of his help all the fun dates that are coming up I'm in Boston this Saturday at Boston calling a big festival and then yeah we have that new Portland Cal Tony a new Cleveland kill Tony for twinkle Tony and a new youth kill Tony shirt could be found at shop Squad TV Grand Rapids Lansing Detroit Austin Houston and Dallas Texas Tony Hinchcliffe com4 tickets to my stand-up shows and to kill Tony's and things like that we have other fun shows coming up here every Monday 8:00 p.m. in the main room of the Comedy Store live audience thank you so much for coming out have a great night we love you see you guys [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 373,927

Rating: 4.7966838 out of 5

Keywords: 5-21-18

Id: 8_2lYJQztRI

Length: 100min 32sec (6032 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 20 2018