- Please welcome to the stage, Keith Lowell Jensen. - Hello. Oh, hello. Hi. My name is Keith Lowell Jensen and I write autobiographical fan fiction. Oh, glad we have some fans of the genre. Thank you for coming out. I wanna get to know you before we get started.
- Oh! - I have a question for
you by sound of applause. I wanna know by sound of applause who here in this audience
tonight has been arrested before? Oh, damn, Sacramento. I think you beat Chico. That was amazing. I like you in the back raising your hand. We said, sound of applause, but now we know what you got arrested for. You have a problem with
directions, don't you? Doesn't come easy for you. All right, by sound of applause, who here has never been arrested? All right. So, this is a problem, 'cause I see a lot of
White dudes clapping. Come on, White dudes. How you living? - Yeah! - Get arrested. I see some people of color, some women, some LGBQT people that
have never been arrested and I understand. You wouldn't want to
tangle with the police, but we're White dudes. We're gonna have a fun night and then the courts are
gonna go easy on us. Live a little. Go get arrested. And it's hard to get
arrested as a White dude. It takes a lot of mouthing off. And all that time that you're
mouthing off to the cop, you're keeping 'em busy and they're not out
harassing Brown people. Let's do it. Let's use our privilege. Let's gentrify jail. But I like to have something
for my whole audience. Yeah, I was gonna tell stories about times I've been arrested, but some of you haven't
had that experience yet. I hope I've inspired you
and you'll go out and try. So, I'm gonna also tell
stories about times when I haven't been arrested. We all know those nights, those nights when you don't get arrested. I think we've all had one
of those. We can relate. The first time I remember
specifically not getting arrested, I was 15 and I shoplifted marshmallows. Marshmallows are not an easy thing to shoplift to begin with. They're a big pillow-sized, white thing. Harder in my case, because I was wearing a
tiny little leather jacket that I inherited from my grandfather. I thought it looked cool. I thought it made me look
like one of the Ramones. Spoiler alert, it did not make me look
like one of the Ramones, but it did make it very
hard to steal marshmallows. Maybe thinking to yourself, Keith, why? Why would you try to
steal a big pillow-sized sugary confection wearing
a tiny little jacket? It's because I was arrogant. I was overly confident of my ability to steal from that Bel-Air. Because I stole from
them every single Sunday. For months, I went in
there and I stole donuts and it was easy. You just walk up to the donut counter and you say, hey, I would
like a dozen donuts. And then, you pick out
each of the dozen donuts and some kid puts them in
a bright pink box for you and then he gives you a free one. 'Cause that's a policy. When you steal 12 donuts from a place, they give you a 13th one free. Call it a stealer's dozen or something, I don't know. But then, the kid will close up the box and they'll say to you, "You
want me to ring you up here? Or take it to the register?" And I go, ah, I better
take it to the register whenever I tell my mom, I'm coming here. Out comes the list. You
know how it is buddy. Gotta make the small talk. And they just hand you the donuts, assuming you're gonna go pay for 'em, because how brazen would you have to be to make a kid box up the donuts that you're stealing from them in a bright pink box. And then, you take it and you walk right past all the registers and they all look at you,
all the cashiers look at you. You say hi to 'em. They know you. They see you every Sunday. Like what's up Tom? How's your wife? And they assume you paid for 'em, because how brazen would you have to be to have some kid box up a dozen donuts that you're stealing from them? It's a free tip from you
on how to get free donuts. Then, you take 'em to
your friend Jim's house and his parents think you're
the sweetest kid around, because you bring donuts every Sunday when you come over to play his Nintendo. Worked out well for everybody. So, I'm arrogant, I get the donut, I get the marshmallows on this occasion, I might have had a problem with sugar. I get the marshmallows in my little jacket and they're sticking halfway out. And I start making my
way towards the door. And I see the undercover security and he's standing at the door blocking it, which is insulting, because that's not normally what they do. Normally, they wanna catch you. So, they just hang out by
the door looking nonchalant. If you ever see an adult man
paying way too much attention to those little quarter machines
with the stretchy hands, that's undercover security, waiting for someone to try to leave, because you haven't
stolen until you leave. There's no crime against
putting stuff in your pocket. The crime is only when
you walk out the door. This is handy information. The next time you go shopping, wear something with a lot of pockets. It's fun. And as you walk around, you just put everything from your list in one of the pockets. And then, you go up to the register and as you start unloading
that on the thing. You'll hear like six
different voices go, damn it! You just wasted a whole line
of undercover securities' time. And you kept them busy while people that needed to shoplift are
able to apply their trade. Again, you can be helpers. But in this case, the
guy's blocking the door and he looks me right in the
eye and he shakes his head no, because he doesn't want to be the guy that busts this special little kid that's trying to steal marshmallows while wearing a tiny little jacket. And he's like, no, no, no, no, but I've got momentum. So, I walk right around him and I go out the other door and I hear him go, "Ugh." And he comes out and he
grabs me and he pulls me in, takes the marshmallows from me, and they bring me back
to the manager's office. I don't know if you've ever seen a grocery store manager's
office, but there are no windows. It's a very depressing place. The manager comes in wearing a suit that I'm sure fit him at one time. As he comes in, he says, "Listen, kid, we're gonna do you a favor. We're not gonna call the police." And I stand up, I say, thank you so much. I really appreciate that,
sir. Never gonna do it again. I'm gonna stop stealing donuts too. What? No, nothing. I didn't say anything. He says, "Yeah, we're
not gonna call the cops, but we are gonna call your parents." So, I said, is the cop
thing still on the table? Could we talk about this? Because my mom is gonna
be very disappointed. I had one of those Catholic moms. Yeah, but I hear that about every mom. You're like, oh, Irish
moms. Oh, Mexican moms. I think maybe just all moms are good at guilting. Maybe that's not a cultural signify. Maybe there's one cultural group out there that their moms aren't good at guilting. Maybe it's the Norwegians. Maybe that's why they like
that that black metal. I don't know. But my mom, she was very good at guilting. I said, manager calls my mom. All the employees are taking
turns peeking in the office. They're like, "That's the kid? That's the marshmallow guy?" Like, "Yeah, that's him." Like, "His jacket's so tiny." Manager walks me out
front to wait for my mom. She pulls up in the white
van, he puts me in the van. My mom says thank you. She's humiliated. We
drive home in silence. That's when I know I'm in trouble, 'cause she's not gonna let me have it. She's gonna wait and
let dad let me have it. And I'm of a generation that that meant I was gonna get beat. We got beat. I'm not saying it's a good
thing, it's just what happened. I hate when members of my generation try to use that as an excuse
for hitting their kids. Like, we got hit, remember? We got hit. You gotta hit your kid. We got hit. And then, I have to explain to them that we are not what I'm aiming for. And all never looked at us and went, "Ah, that went pretty good. Let's do that again." Never look around the world and go, we better not change anything. This is going so well. Stay the course. And I felt for my father too. I felt bad for my dad, because the guy worked eight hours a day. He had up to a two-hour commute both ways. He comes home, he just wants
to go in the nice living room where the kids aren't allowed
and read his Stephen King. And no, there's mom waiting with a shopping list of Boise has to beat. He comes home, she tells
him about the marshmallows. I hear him coming to my room. I'm like, oh. My dad opens a door and he says two words. That's not true. He says one
word, but he says it twice. He says, "Marshmallows? Marshmallows." His heavy Brooklyn accent. See, my mom was more concerned about the morality of these things. But my father was always
much more concerned about the stupidity. My dad says to me, "Keith, marshmallows have no resale value. Jewelry, I'd understand. Money, I would understand. Marshmallows?" I was like, sorry dad,
I'll do better next time. "That's not what I'm saying. And you know it." That's when I started laughing. Not 'cause of my hilarious joke, but because I am a nervous laugher. I've always been a nervous laugher. I laugh when there's confrontation. It's gotten me into trouble.
It's gotten me outta trouble. Luckily, my dad was cool
when he heard me laugh. He would say, "I know that you're just laughing, because you're nervous and you should be, 'cause you're in deep doo-doo." And he would just go on with the scolding. My dad's sitting there
trying to figure out why his supposedly gifted
15-year-old is so stupid. And that's when he looks at my bed and he sees something
that catches his eye. And he looks back at me and he goes, "Tell me you weren't
wearing the little jacket. Oh my god, you were
wearing the little jacket. He was wearing the little jacket." Now, I've gotta answer him. I've gotta give him an explanation why I did something so stupid. And I said, dad, it was a dare. He said, "What?" I said, it was a dare. We
were playing truth or dare. That's why the little jacket,
that's why marshmallows. It was intentionally
something very difficult. That's how dares work. Which my dad said, "That's stupid." But he said, that's
stupid with a little hint of that's an acceptable
15-year-old level of stupid. And he knew that he was okay with it. And he said, "We'll talk
about this more later." Which always meant that we wouldn't talk about it more later, when he shut the door. And to this day, I've never admitted to my
father that there was no dare. No, they were just two 15-year-old boys who had a really bad case of the munchies and decided they absolutely
must have Rice Krispie treats. And you see Jim had the Rice Krispies. Ah. All right, I'll tell
you about one more time I was not arrested. Little bit later, I was 16 and I had a friend named Andy who was 30. You guys got real judgmental real quick. And I understand, 'cause
that's exactly how my dad felt. I was like, dad, Andy's cool. He's got a lot of hip-hop records. My dad was like, "Andy's
not cool. Andy is The Fonz." And I went, oh my god, you just named the coolest
person in the world. And he said, "No, you just think
that, because you're young. The Fonzie is a dude that
puts on a leather jacket and hangs out with teenagers. That's not a cool adult. Cool adults hang out with other adults." I was like, you don't know anything. I went to Andy's house and
Andy let me have a beer. And me and Ryan drank beer
and Andy played Too Short. And it was cool. And then, I started to notice that Andy was having an
episode or he was on something. He was acting very weird. And then, the downstairs neighbor knocked on the Andy's floor,
which was his ceiling. I don't know if you know this, but one man's ceiling
is another man's floor. And we hear the knocking. I said, Andy, I think he wants you to turn down the Too Short. And Andy goes, "No, no. He's cool. I'll go talk to him." And I was like, Andy, I don't think you're in a
state to go talk to him. And Andy goes, "Ah, I'll go talk to him. It'll be fine." And he walks downstairs
and me and Ryan are like, oh, I wonder how this is gonna work out. And then, we hear yelling, and then we hear a tussle. And then, Andy comes running
back in the apartment with his hair disheveled. His shirt is torn. And Andy yells, "I'm gonna stab a fool." And he runs to his kitchen and he pulls open the knife
drawer and he yanks out a knife. Problem is Andy didn't
have a stab-a-fool-knife. Andy had a very long, serrated
slice-some-bread-knife. Andy had a I'm gonna slice up a fool. I'm gonna kill a fool very messily kind of knife. And he ran back out the
door and I turned to Ryan and I said, I don't know what to do. And Ryan said, "We should leave." And I said, we can't go
home. We drank a beer. And Ryan says, "We'll
go to the gas station, 'cause that's what teenagers did then. So, we go to leave and then we hear the sirens
coming down the street and we jump back in the apartment. Oh, no, the cops are coming. They're gonna know we had a beer. So, we don't know what to do. Andy's still downstairs, the cops are on the way, we're
trapped in the apartment. And then, the guest room door opens. - What? - The guest room door had never opened. We didn't know that Andy had a roommate. And this guy that looked
like he had been asleep in there since 1969, like Hip Van Winkle comes walking out and he sees me and Ryan and he goes, "You, you come with me." And he walks back in the room and Ryan and I followed a
barefooted adult into his bedroom, because it felt like the safest course of action at the time. He shuts the door. That wasn't comforting. And then, we look and he has
all these guitars on his wall and he takes one down
and he hands it to Ryan, and he takes another one
down and he hands it to me. And then, he takes down a third
one and he pulls up a stool. I was like, he has a stool in his room. I started realized this
room was like his gig. He had a residency there. That's where he played every night. And he strums the guitar. Now, I'm not a great singer, but the song that he sang
went something like this. ♪ We don't know nothing
about that noise out there ♪ ♪ We're just in here
having a guitar lesson ♪ And just then, the door
opened and there was a cop. Yeah, the most terrifying thing, a 16-year-old who just had a beer could possibly see. He's standing there with a badge and the gun and the whole thing. And he says, "What's going on in here?" And the hippie looks up at him and says, we don't know nothing
about that noise out there. And then, me and Ryan sang the chorus. We're just in here having a guitar lesson Perfectly synchronized. Caught the cops attention. He looks over at us and
we're both holding guitars. We have no idea how to hold a guitar. But that made sense. That's why we were getting the lesson. Cop looks back at the hippie who shrugs like, "Kids, right?" Cops says, "All right, you
guys have a good night." And he shuts the door. But then, the hippie looks at both of us and I'm thinking, oh no,
it's time to pay the piper. And he says, "Both of you." And he twists his hand into this weird, uncomfortable looking claw. And he says, "That's an A chord." So, I did eventually
actually get arrested. All right? I love that there's applause for that. That's great. First time I got arrested
was surprisingly consensual. I got arrested protesting a war. I don't even remember
which one at this point. Who can keep track? But I was protesting one of
'em out there doing the thing. And we did a die-in, which means we all went
down to the federal building and we all laid down and
pretended we were dead. And when the cops came in, they said, "Okay, we're gonna start
arresting you in four minutes." And a few people that were like, "Ah, I gotta work
tomorrow," got up and left. But then the cops came up to
each of us and they were like, "We're gonna arrest you. Are you accepting that
or do you wanna leave?" Which was very polite, I thought. The whole thing's very civil. And I said, no, I'm here to be arrested. And they were like, "All
right, let's do it." And this is all in front of news cameras. And two cops very gently picked me up. One had me under the knees and
one had me under the armpits. And they gently lifted me up
in front of the news cameras. And then, in front of the news cameras, they walked me into the federal building where there were no news cameras. Then, they picked me up
and dropped me on my back. "So, get over there with
the rest of the hippies." All the politeness was gone. But it was the best arrest ever. And it may have been what started my life of getting arrested, 'cause I was like, this is fun. They didn't search us or book us, they just stuck us all in a cell. I was in a cell with priests. I was in a cell with
grandmothers for peace. There were hippies and punk rockers. We were having a good time. Two guys rolled up a joint and started smoking a
joint in the jail cell. And everyone looks at
the priest and he's like, "I'll take care of this." So, he walks up to them and he says, "Boys," and he turns his
Irish accent up to 10, to try to be that priest, and he says, "boys, are you
sure this is a good idea?" And they said, "Oh,
father, please understand, we have a list of all unusual
places we've smoked pot and we didn't think that a jail cell was ever gonna be a
space on our bingo card that we would get to fill." They usually take this away from you. And to my amazement, the priest goes, "I understand." I'll never know for sure, but I swear for a minute, he considered maybe asking for a puff. I guess his life could have
changed that day, just like... They taught me things, those
anti-war protest and hippies. They taught me stuff like how to walk. When you're walking in a protest, they told me, "Keep your
feet low to the ground. Keep your hands at your side. Don't run, don't yell, don't jump around. Don't give the cops any excuse to hit you with a night stick and say that you were acting
in a threatening manner." They'd all been hit with night sticks. They learned these lessons.
They told me how to do it. The next protest that I was
in was a gay rights protest. Nobody told the gays how
you're supposed to protest. It was a very different experience. I'm there like feet down, hands
on my side, walking right. And they had feather boas and whistles and they're dancing. They were having a rave, essentially a rave for... There were people on stilts. I was like, the cops don't like that. You step like right over their horses. It was amazing. They had the best chants. They were chanting, "We're here, we're queer, we're not going shopping." I was like, that's good. I wish I wrote that. That was fantastic. It was a good time. But the problem is that
the cops in Sacramento at that time had gotten smart and they would just slap
a parade permit on you, and then take all the
teeth outta your protest, start blocking streets for you being like, "Eh, it's a parade. Pride came early." You're like, no, no, we wanna disrupt. 'Cause the whole idea is to disrupt. So, then the thing
came, go on the freeway. That's how that started happening. You had to go up on the freeway to actually make an impression. So, they head towards the freeway, but again, everyone's jumping around and dancing and having a good time. And the riot cops sweep in
and they stopped everybody. But I'm walking like this and I accidentally slip
right through them. I'm more and more by myself
on this freeway off ramp. And then, I stop and I look around and they're like yards behind me. I see the back of the riot cops with their shields on the other side. They don't like you there. That's not... And I think I better get out of here. And then, a motorcycle comes rolling down and this big cop gets off the motorcycle and he says, "Get off the off-ramp." And I said, yes, sir. And I did the walking thing. I was trained to walk. And he says, "Run." And I was like, well, the hippies actually told me not to. That I should... And he shoved me and he said, "Run." And the hippies were right, 'cause the minute I started running, he grabbed me and he
beat the crap out of me. - Oh. - Yeah, this story got ugly, huh? He stepped on my face, he blooded me up. He was choking me. And he
told me I was gonna die. And that's when a female
cop pulled him off of me, helped me up, and then walked me straight
to a newspaper reporter. I was like, I don't really
get who's side you're on. This is very weird. The newspaper report
says, "What's your name?" I said, my name... She said, "You're gay, right?" Not are you gay? "You're gay, right?" I was like, I'm used to that. No, actually I'm not. She laughed. "It's a good one." And then, they took me away
and they took me away to jail. In jail, the guy was
all, "What's your name?" And I remembered that protestors had done this at another protest. So, I said, Harvey Milk. And he said, "Harvey Milk, the
slain civil rights activist?" And I was like, who are you? What cop would know who Harvey
Milk is and say it that way? I was like... You might be all right. Here's my actual name. He says, "You're gay, right?" I was like, why? No. I'm not. Why are you asking? He said, "Because if you're gay, we'll put you in a pink
jumpsuit to keep you safe." I was like, oh, that's a great idea. You guys really thought this one through. No, I thought you may
keep my regular clothes. Some people would say,
they say, enough already. You should go ahead and
put me in the cell there. They put me in the cell. I see an interesting-looking
guy on the bench. I go sit down. His name is Paul. Paul says, "You one of those weirdos up on the freeway?" For a minute, I didn't
wanna admit that I was. And then, I was like, no, I'm not gonna be ashamed of myself. I said, yes, Paul, that was me. We're protesting for gay rights. And Paul goes, "You're gonna save the world." I was like, oh, I don't
know Paul, I'm gonna try. What's your story? And Paul says, "Well, I'm
just being transferred from one prison to another, but you guys blocked the freeway, so I gotta spend the night here." And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, dude. And he's like, "No, it's cool. I like a little change of scenery. Person gets real boring." He's like, "It's nice to
have a little diversion." And just then, these two, these skinny White kids, a
full Beavis and Butt-Head, I get put in the cell, they've been in a
fistfight with one another. And gotten arrested. They put them in, they right
away see me as the easy target. And they walk over and they go, "Get up. We want to sit there." And Paul jumps up and goes, "You sit down on your shoes now!" And both kids rip their shoes off, throw 'em in the ground, sit on 'em. I was like, "Paul, that was amazing. I don't know what this means about us now if I'm in your gang or if we're BFFs or whatever, but I'm into it, Paul. You are a powerful person. That was like superhero stuff. I like it. So, we were having fun. The fun stopped. They start taking people out of the room. They're going upstairs. I find out I have two felonies against me. Chances are pretty good
I'm going upstairs. I'm afraid to call my
parents to tell them. Later, they yelled at me for that. I was like, you guys,
every coming out day, you guys wait for me to call
you and tell you that I'm gay. And now, I'm gonna call you and go, mom and dad, first
of all, I'm still not gay, but I did get arrested for it. So, I did not call my parents. So, they're gonna hang
on to me for a while. They put me in a different
room and then a cop comes in with a clipboard and he
starts reading off names. And every person, as he
reads off their name, they stand up and they
walk out into the hallway and they take off all their clothes - Uh-oh. - and they spread their legs, and they bend over and they
move things out of the way. And a cop with a flashlight takes a very thorough look at them. Now, I am a person who doesn't take his
clothes off like ever. We're just getting over a heat wave. And I'm wearing two shirts and long pants. And this is as close to naked
as any of you have seen me. I am not happy about this.
This is how anti-nude I am. When my daughter was three, I realized that I was staying in hotels and not taking her in the
pool, because of my own issues. And I was like, that's not
right. I wanna be a good dad. So, I took my shirt off in
public and picked my daughter up and my daughter had
never seen her own father without his shirt on. And her eyes got this big. And as we stepped in the pool, she said out loud, "Ha, men have nipples." So, I'm not happy about what's
going on in the hallway. And the cop reading the names
sees that I'm uncomfortable. He sees that I'm miserable. And so, he keeps reading each name and looking at me waiting until it's my turn. Until finally, I'm the
only person in the room. And he says, "One name
left on the list, buddy." And I went, oh no. And he says, Ramon Vasquez. And I went, did I mention I laugh in conversation? He says, "What's so funny?" I said, I'm not Ramon Va... Do I look like Ramon Vasquez?
Showed him my bracelet. Look, not Ramon Vasquez. Says
right there very clearly. He says, "Sit down, I'll be back." Like he really wanted
me naked at that point. Flattering. He leaves the room. I am so relieved for
this temporary reprieve. I'm drumming on the metal bench. And then, I hear, "Hey, shut up, man." And I was like, what? And I look under the
bench, I was like, Ramon! Oh my god. You were just saved from the
most heinous indignity, sir. Stay under there forever. You're good. This is not a friendly place to Ramones. So, I got out of there and then a church, my friend's mom is a minister and she collected the money
from her church to pay my bail. - Aw.
- And they came and got me. I was all, I'm still an
atheist, but I appreciate this. She took me to get a veggie burger and then straight home,
that's what I wanted. Gimme a veggie burger and take me home. I go home and I've got all these messages
on my answering machine. And they're all from my parents, because that reporter had run a story. Keith Lowell Jensen, gay of San Francisco. I love that the only part
they got right was my name. E-N, not O-N, E-I, not I-E. They nailed it, which never happens. She's like, oh, great. No, mom and dad. I do not live in San Francisco. I'm trying to remember, did I tell you guys about
the time I carried a gun into the Chicago
International O'Hare Airport? No, I never told you guys about that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that happened. You know the thing at the airport they play over and over again that tells you not to
carry other people's bags? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, they mean it. Yeah, that's for real. I was working for Spike and
Mike's Animation Festival and we were late getting
out of the show in Chicago. And my boss was Mike, not
Mike of Spike and Mike, but a guy named Mike,
let's say Mike Sharp. That's not actually his name,
but I'm trying to protect him. It's almost his name. 'Cause I'm not trying to
protect him that much. So, Mike Sharp says, "Keith, we're late. I'm gonna return the rental cars. You grab both of our bags
and run for the gate." I said, sure thing. And I ran and I threw
his bag on the thing, and it went through the x-ray. And the lady said, there appears
to be a gun in your back. And I said, oh, we're
entertainers. I'm sure it's a prop. Why don't you just open it up? I think there's a plastic
alligator in there too. It's all fake. She goes, "Eh, it looks pretty real." I was like, ah, I don't
know what to tell you. Why don't I grab the guy whose bag it is? I'll be right back. And she says, "You can't leave." And I said, it'll just take a minute. And I left. Probably a good time to
mention this was pre-9/11, but still a big deal. There's still federal
presence at airports, especially international airport. And they all get a report that someone with a gun in their bag is
now loose in the airport. So, people with suits
are running everywhere. And I see it, I'm like, huh,
I wonder what's going on. I still haven't found Mike, but a guy in a suit is now walking perfectly in pace with
me and looking at me. So, I said, can I help you? And he goes, "Are you Sharp? And he says, "Are you Mike Sharp?" And I said, oh, yeah, I am the
guy with the gun in the bag. Boom. I'm on the ground hard. People with suits mobbed all around me. They picked me up, they carry me back to where
the gun is now sitting out. And oh my god, is it a real gun? It is a very real gun. It had been stuffed in
one of Mike's Doc Martens. I was like, oh, what is this? So, I said, listen, the bag
belongs to a guy named Mike. And this cop gets in my face and goes, "Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't try to pawn this off
on someone else, buddy. You're going down." And I was like, okay, but
don't you want that guy too? And she's like, "Oh, no,
you're in deep, buddy. You're going down." And I'm like, this
sounds like a noir film. Like I felt like maybe I
had to match her pattern in order to get anything done. So, I was like, I know I'm going down, but I'm ready to sing. I'll give you the whole gang. Finally, another cop comes and interrupts this little
play we were putting on. And says, what's the guy's name? And I tell Mike's name
and what Mike looks like. And next thing you know, I see them bringing Mike over in handcuffs and he's mouthing the
words over and over again, "I'm so sorry." They march him over. He explains to me that
the animation festival gave him a budget for
hiring private security to walk us to the bank at the end of each
night with the receipts. And he realized he could
put that money in his pocket if he carried his gun and just walked himself to the bank every night with the receipts. I've never had a lawyer. I've dealt with lawyers, but I've never had a lawyer
like, oh, I'll call my lawyer. I have a friend named Brett
who'll pretend he's my lawyer. We have a cue. And he answers the phone. If I go Wilson, he knows
to pretend he's my lawyer. He'll yell back, "Jensen," and I'll be like, hey, I'm at Starbucks. They're trying to charge
me for a coffee refill. He's like, "They're what? Have they ever heard of
Starbucks versus Monroe 1992? We're gonna nail him to the wall, Jensen." He's always nailing people to the wall. I'll give you his number
if you want a fake lawyer. Well, that would be cool
to have a real lawyer. Mike used his one phone
call to call his lawyer. He said, "My lawyer's sure that he'll get us outta here in no time." I called my parents. What's funny is they were gonna let me go once they had Mike. But then they ran my record. - Oh. - And then, they asked me,
are you a member of a gang? And I'm like, are they
thinking about Paul? Not that I know of, I said. They said something called the RCYB. I was like, oh, the Revolutionary
Communist Youth Brigade. Yeah, we're friends. I am not a communist. I
let them stay at my house. And I debated with them all night. Now that I'm a little older,
they were mostly right, but we're just friends. I said, no, I am not in
fact a member of that gang. And they said, well, you have
affiliations with this gang, so we have to keep you overnight. I was like, ah. They're not allowed to list
you as a communist anymore. So, they just list you
as a member of a gang, a gang called the Communists. It was always a way around everything. But that was the best part about calling my parents. It's like, remember when I got arrested for being gay even though I'm not? Wait 'til you hear this one. My favorite part of being in jail is always when someone says
to you, "What are you in for?" It just feels so Hollywood, doesn't it? What are you in for?
What they catch you for? I like asking it. I like being asked it. But they kept me with Mike
'cause we were terrorists. We needed to be separated
from the general population. So, I just kept all night saying to him, hey, what are you in for? And he kept saying, "Shut up." So, when they're letting us out, we're in this big line
to get our stuff back, half of which they stole, no lie. And I got this guy in front of me and he's waiting to get his stuff back. I tap him on the shoulder, I say, hey, what are you in for? I got to ask my question. He turns around and he says, "Driving taxi without license." I was like, oh, man,
they arrest you for that? He says, "Many, many times driving taxi without license. I was like, oh, okay. I brought a gun into the airport. And I'm waiting for him
to be shocked, whoa. Like impressed, you know? And he goes, "You need
to get back to airport?" And I was like, yeah. He says, "My taxi is outside." And that is swearing on how
I got back to the airport. All right, I got pulled over. I heard someone yell, "Pull over," which isn't normally the
way you get pulled over. So, I looked over my left shoulder. I had to look all the
way back to see them, because I was on my bicycle. And they yelled it again, "Pull over." And sure enough, the person yelling at is a
real actual police officer. They had the mustache
and everything, legit. But the reason they're
yelling, "Pull over", is that they too are on a bicycle. I'm a comedian, I like to have fun. I thought about going,
oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know how this works.
You have to go wee, wee. But then I remembered about cops having a great sense of humor. So, I skipped that and I
went ahead and I pulled over. And the cop pulled his
bike right behind me just like he would do if we were in cars with this little headlight
shining on the back of my head. And he made me wait
there a really long time. Now, I was on my way to a comedy show. I thought, this is cool.
I'm in my own hometown. I could ride my bike to the comedy show. And now, I'm sitting there with some guy shining his headlight on the back of my head, waiting and thinking,
what am I waiting for? Because if we were in cars, I would assume I was waiting
while he ran my license plate through his dashboard computer, but we were on bicycles. So, I have no license plates
and he had no dashboard. It's infuriating. And then, I look and
I see another bike cop come whipping around the
corner, very thin guy. We'll call him Officer Sunglasses. As he pulls up next to Officer Mustache, I thought, that's it. Backup. Because look at me. When I walked out on stage, the
first thing you thought was, I would need some backup
to tackle with that fella. He looks like one of those vegans. So, now he's got his backup. The two of them do this
awesome move, just badass. They both throw down their left foot and then synchronized, perfectly synchronized swing their right foot over their bikes. It was everything I
could do not to applaud. I was like, that was so cool. I know they learned that watching "CHiPs". That was awesome. I love the idea that
that's how bike cops bond. They watch "CHiPs" together and they're like, ooh,
we should rehearse that. That was cool. I'm gonna get some
glasses like that. Yeah. So, they make their way up towards my bike and then Officer Sunglasses
stops a few feet shy of me, puts his legs apart,
and fixes me with a look that says we may soon have
a failure to communicate. And Officer Mustache comes right up to me and he says, "You why I pulled you over?" Now, don't ever answer that. Because that's how they
tried to get you to confess and maybe confess stuff that
they didn't even know about. "You know why I pulled you over?" Was it the drugs in my pocket? I didn't think you could see those. What was it? I don't know. I said, no, no, man, I don't know. I dunno why you pulled me over and I'm laughing, started laughing. Did I mention I do that in times? In times of confrontation,
I tend to laugh. And he says, "Something amusing?" Well, I learned a long time ago that when an authority
figure hears me laughing and they ask if something's amusing, I can't tell them the truth. I can't say, no, no,
this is actually respect. So, this thing, I'm a nervous laugher, and so this is actually
me being afraid of you. It doesn't work. So, I have to think of
something quick that's amusing. He says, "Find something amusing?" I said, well, I just
said we're both on bikes. That's kind of funny. It's like we're a couple of
kids playing traffic stop. He doesn't like that. Thank you. I'm glad you did. He says, "I assure you,
this is perfectly serious." And I can hear his teeth breaking. And I said, hey, calm down. - Oh. - Okay, you guys know. I didn't know. I thought I was gonna teach
you, guys. That's yeah. You don't do that. You don't
tell the cop to calm down. I had no idea. Any of you that didn't
just gasp in horror. Listen up. This is where you get your ticket's worth. Yeah, yeah, you don't
tell a cop to calm down. It has the opposite of its desired effect. He says, I assure you, I'm perfectly calm. He says, you were riding your bike on the K Street pedestrian mall. I was like. Thank God you were there. I don't think I was. I think
I was just crossing it. He says, "Do you have a driver's license?" To which I reply, I'm on a bicycle. I don't need a driver's license. Because I'm already past
making friends at this point. He says, "Do you have a
form of identification?" I said, yes, I do. And I hand it in my driver's license. He looks at it like it's amazing. And he says, "You have any warrants for
your arrest, Mr. Jensen?" I start laughing again, and it's not the nervousness now. I'm like, do I have any warrant, no, I don't have any warrants, man. You like busting me for riding my bike. This is not gonna be your big bust. You're not gonna end up in the documentary
about the Zodiac Killer, I know. We knew we had him when
he rode his bicycle on the K Street pedestrian mall. We moved in, waited for my backup. Cooley asked him if he knew what I was
pulling him over for. Is it 'cause I'm the Zodiac Killer? I don't know what kind of
fantasy he had concocted. I was like, no, man, I don't have any warrants for my arrest. He says, "We'll see." And then, he goes back to his bike to call in my license number on his radio, find out if I have any warrants. His buddy in the sunglasses was still just standing
there, staring at me. And I started thinking, all
right, I'm gonna at least, like I'm late for my comedy show. I'm gonna at least get a good
Facebook post out of this. I start composing tweets in my head. Then, I think, man, I'd love
to get this on Instagram too. Maybe I could sneak a picture. So, I slide my phone out of my pocket and I take a picture of Officer Mustache and
it goes well uneventful. I give it a cute check. It looks good. And I turn to Sunglasses and I go ahead and snap
onto him too real quick. To which he says, "What are you doing?" And I said, oh, I'm sorry. I was just taking a couple pictures too. Remember our special time together. He says, "You can't do that." I was like, oh, okay. Noted for future reference, because I just did. It's too late to undo it. He
says, "Give me the phone." I was like, oh, no, no, no, man, you pulled me over for riding my bicycle. Now, I'm not a lawyer. I've never gone to law school. And these are the words
that came outta my mouth. You just pulled me over
for riding my bike. This is not a take my phone-able offense. Didn't hear that one standing up in court. Your honor, this was clearly not to take
your phone-able offense. That's what I said. He says, "Give me the phone."
I said, I'm not gonna. And I go to put it back in my pocket and he reaches out and he grabs my wrist, and I yanked my arm away without thinking. Yeah, where's your ooh now? You don't do that either, because you find out how
strong the skinny cop is. Turns out quite. And he slams me on the
ground, gets on top of me. I got a knee between my shoulder blades, my nose is bleeding, and
Mustache goes ballistic. He goes full Barney Fife. He comes running over like doing a jig. "He's fighting, he's fighting, he's fighting." Brain short circuiting.
He's not helping in any way. Just like, "He's fighting, he's fighting." As this is all happening, this is on the part of K Street where there's a lot of hotels and weddings and receptions happen. This photographer just happens
to come walking down L Street and then comes around
the corner and sees this. And he's like, "Oh my god, a Pulitzer." And he runs over, he starts snapping pictures. And he's not shy. He's
getting right up in my face. And I noticed the cops didn't mind him taking
their picture at all. They didn't ask for his
phone. They were posing. They were like, "Get
him with his eyes open." Like hunters with a fresh deer. We're gonna hang this
one back at the station. So, I look up at the
photographer and I say, my name is Keith Lowell Jensen. And I would really love
to have these photographs. Not 'cause I'm thinking of
using 'em in court or anything, but 'cause I'm a comedian
and headshot are expensive. And if that picture was
on the poster for tonight, we would've filled this
place a lot faster. Imagine my face with the blood and the cop behind me smiling like, you'd be like, I need to
know what this is about. Cop picks me up and that's
when mustache gets in my face and he says, "Boy, are you dumb?" That's hurtful. He says, "You are. You're a big dummy. You're a big dumb." Now, it's starting to sound wholesome. I was like, these are his
go-to insults. This is cute. He says, "I was gonna let
you go with a warning. Yeah, but now you're under arrest. You're going to jail. How do you like that? You're under arrest and
you're going to jail." I was like, I understand. But he said it one more
time just for good measure. So, I repeated it to him, I'm under arrest and I'm going to jail. Can I ask one question? He said, "Sure, what?" And I said, how? It's fair, right? Because I've been arrested before, but never by a dude on a bicycle. I don't know how to... Do I get on the handlebars or are we gonna act out a scene from "ET"? What are we doing here? Don't make me run behind you, please. I'm not in good shape. We could ride bikes. Let's have some fun. Let's go ride bikes. He says, "We'll call a car." To which I said, oh my god, you have to call the car cops? That must be so humiliating for you. He stomps back to his radio
and he calls the car cops who drive their car right down the middle of
the K Street pedestrian mall that I had so soiled
with my bicycle tires. They park right on top
of the light rail tracks. They come over there,
"Oh, is that the guy?" And I'm like, yeah, the
bloody one in the handcuffs. That's the guy. I said, what are you
gonna do with my bike? They said, "We'll put it in the trunk." I said, well, you should
probably take a look at my bike, because I rode one of those big stretched Dyno Beach cruisers with
the giant handlebars and the springer forks,
because I was cool. And they look at it and they go, "Yeah, we're gonna have to call a truck." So, then the car cops who'd
been called by the bike cops, called the truck cops, and then the truck cops came and drove right down the middle of the K Street pedestrian mall, parked on top of the light
rail tracks behind the cop car. I've now started a parade. They come out and get my bike. I'm like, hey, bike, when
you get to bike jail, pick the biggest bike there
and just punch 'em in the face. Thought I sounded cool. Truck drives off, the car
cops put me in the car, and the two bike cops
run over to their bikes and they get in position like they're about to
do the Tour de France. And the car cops will look at
'em funny and get in the car. And as they shut the door, I heard the greatest line of the night. The driver turns back to me and he goes, "Hey, man, don't you just hate bike cops?" I do. Oh my god. I said, I don't normally
like you guys either, but my enemy's enemy is my friend. We're cool. The passenger cop says, "You
see what they're doing?" I was like, I was wondering about that. He said, "They're gonna
race us to the jail. That's their big thrill in life." I was like, have they tried sex? This is a sad, lonely existence. The driver laughs. He says, "Well, you wanna drive around a little bit? Keep 'em waiting?" And I was like, yeah. Like I had plans tonight,
but I think they're canceled. Let's do that. Sounds good, man. You wanna take me to a comedy show? Did I mention I was on
my way to a comedy show? Well, it was cool. We had a good time. We drove up to Broadway,
saw the historic cemetery. They'd never seen it before. We saw the Christmas tree
had gone up at the Capitol. It was a fun time. We stopped by the California Museum and they were having a
Charles Schulz exhibit. You guys like Snoopy, right? We're sitting there looking in the window at all the Snoopy and Charlie Brown stuff, and then Arnold Schwarzenegger walks right in front of our
car and goes into the building. And I turned to the two cops and I said, this is the best night of my life. Like you guys are awesome. So, then, we went back, straight back. We stopped for frozen yogurt, but only one topping. Gotta draw the line. We get back to the jail and sure enough, there's the two bike cops. They're leaning against the wall waiting. They look at their imaginary watches. And the driver turns me and he goes, "Listen, kid, I want to
give you some advice." He says, "when you get
out there, calm down." I'm like, oh, you can say it to us, huh? He says, "Seriously, these
guys ruined your night already. They could ruin your month. They could ruin the living in Sacramento. Like they hold all the cards. And so, it's in your best
bet to just play along. Get this over with quickly." I said, okay, it's good advice. So, they let me out. I walk up to the bike cops,
I immediately apologize. Say, guys, I'm sorry I lost
my temper out back there, when they beat me up. Say, I lost my temper. My night didn't go the way I expected. I'm gonna cooperate now. And Mustache looks to
me and he goes, "Good. I hope we can be friends." And I went, yeah. Nervous, nervous. And then, he goes, "All right,
let's get you processed." And I was like, wait, wait. You're still arresting me? I'm like, you are not being a good friend. This is not what friends do. You don't even know my safe word. He was like, come on, I'm yelling, Brings me in. He processes me. I'm trying to get out of there. I don't want to stay. So, he says, "You got any medical conditions
we should know about?" I was like, bingo, that's my ticket out. I said, yes, I have something
called ulcerative colitis. That's true, I do. He says, "Well, what's that mean?" I said, it means that if I don't go home and get my drugs tonight, poop and blood everywhere, it's bad. That's an exaggeration. He goes, "All right, we'll
give you a yellow bracelet." It's like, oh, why don't
my doctor think of that? Thank you. Sure that will help. The bike cops took me and handed
me over to the largest man I'd ever seen in my life up to that point. They handed me over to the jail cop. He looked like the boss battle
at the end of a video game. He was like the big goblin guarding the inner sanctum of the jail. And I needed to get past
him to get to my cell. They handed me to this guy.
And I'm like, oh my god. And he walks me into where the cells are, and I've been in there before. I was like, I can take it from here. I start going back to
where the normal cells are, but I walked past the drunk tank and he goes, "Right here, buddy." And I was like, oh, wait,
there's a misunderstanding. I'm not drunk. I'm the guy on the bicycle. He goes, "Yeah, but you
got that yellow bracelet, so this is where you go." I was like, ah! Well, that backfired. So, they're gonna put
me in the drunk tank. That was an experience I'd never had through my myriad times in jail. They opened the door to the drunk tank. The drunk tank has no nice
metal benches to sit on. It's just got a low sidewalk
around the perimeter of the drunk tank with a soft curb. So, we're not acting out. He puts me in the middle of the room and then he says, "Sit down. In this cell, we sit." And I could tell it was his line. 'Cause as he said it, he
backs out of the cell. It was really cool like that. "In this cell, we sit." So, I look for a place to sit. I see some guy and he's
wearing plaid, hat, shirt, shorts, shoes, but all different colors and sizes. None of it matched. I was
like, that's a character. I'm gonna get a story
out of this at least, make it a work trip. So, I go over, I sit next to
the dude, I was all, what's up? And he goes, "What time is it?" And I thought about it, what time I was heading to the comedy show that I was trying to perform that night. Thought about how long
we spent driving around, how long it took to process me. And I said, I'm guessing
it's around 9:00, 9:30. And he goes, "Oh." And I said, what's the matter, man? And he goes, "Oh, my old lady. If I don't get outta here by midnight, my old lady is gonna sell my rims." And I want to relate to my fellow humans. So, I went, ah, why did they do that? Why? What is it with old ladies and rims? I can't tell you how many times I've had a perfectly good set of rims. And then, the old lady comes
along and bye-bye rims. Stop it, old ladies. Let a man have some rims. He scoots far away from me. Yes. Not buying my outrage. But just then, that the door
to the drunk tank opens again. And the largest man I had seen is back. But he's no longer the
largest man I've seen, because he has with him the new largest man I've ever seen in my life. And this man has no shirt on. He's just glistening with sweat. He looks like a bodybuilder.
He's a beautiful, angry man. And the cop puts him in
the middle of the cell and he says his line, "Sit down. In this cell, we sit." And as he starts doing
his cool backwards walk, the guy goes, "No." And I went, ooh. I didn't know you could say that. And the cop is confused. He's never heard this before, probably ever. And he goes, "Sit down. In this cell, we sit." Thinking maybe just
repeating it will work. And the guy says, "I can't sit, I'm drunk." And I see the two of
them starting to huff up the way people do before a fight. And I don't want that to happen. And I say, officer, sir,
maybe you should listen. You don't know where he
is at in his spin cycle. It could be bad, it could
be messy for all of us. Maybe let him stand. Cops says, "You shut up." Turns back to the guy.
He says, "Sit down now." The guy says, "No." Cop puts one hand on his night stick. He puts the other hand on his taser. The big dude starts
flexing his booby muscles the way really large men can do. And the rest of us move to
the far corners of the room. Because if these two men
fight, we're getting hurt. If these two men fight, the
building is getting hurt. This is like the final
scene in a Marvel movie type scenario. And I don't wanna be an extra in this film. But as a testament to how
big and scary this guy is, the cop looks him up and down, and then to all of our
amazement goes, yeah, okay. And starts backing out. And we all start applauding. Cheering, which the cop is not loving. The door shuts, we're all wee. And Rims immediately jumps on the dude. He's like, hey, hey, hey, what time is it? And the guy looks at him and says, "Two o'clock in the morning." And Rims starts sobbing. So, he starts bawling, just
tears streaming down his face. This is a man who is very
attached to his rims. And I feel for my friend. So, I scoot over next to
him and I go, listen, buddy. I had a comedy show that
was gonna start at 8:00 and I was bicycling there
with plenty of time. And I tell him the whole story. I tell him about the
Charles Schultz exhibit. He likes Snoopy too. We're bonding. He's starting to calm down. I said, at this point it's
10:00, 10:15 at the latest. I bet you get out of here on
time. You seem sober to me. And then, I hear, "The
hell did you just say?" A big man has been standing
here the whole time. And I said... He says, "You telling me what time it is?" Did I mention I'm a nervous laugher? It's a thing I do when I'm in confrontation. I laugh. He says, "Something funny?" And I said, well, just that you said I'm
telling you what time it is, which is an expression, but I'm literally telling you what time. It's just a little word play. That was all clever, yeah. To which he says, oh, looks like we got ourselves a comedian. And I start roaring. Now, I just belly laughs. I'm just laughing really hard. And he says, "Now what's so funny?" And I said, I am. I am in fact a comedian telling you what time it is. And that that's how I'm gonna die, has a poetic justice to it. That I've made my peace with. Do with me as you will, sir. And he looks down at me
and he thinks for a minute, and he says, "Ha." That ha was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life. Your guys' laughter tonight was a salve for my tortured soul, as it always is. But that ha, that ha was salvation. It meant I wasn't gonna die that night. And then, big man sits down. I got him to do what the
cop couldn't get him to do, the power of comedy. He sits down. Yeah. He puts his arm around me and Rims scoots in close to us too. We're like a family now. And he looks out overall
the dudes in the cell and he goes, "Scoot on in, everybody. Mr. Funny man here is
gonna tell us some jokes." And I spend the next hour of my life telling jokes to drunk
people, which is awesome, because that's all I wanted to do with my evening to begin with. I've known a few public
defenders in my time. And on this particular
incident with the bike cops, I got out and I went
to the public defender and she was cool. She kept calling everything chicken crap. She's all, "This is chicken crap,
this is chicken crap." I read the officer's
report, "Chicken crap." I was like, yeah. Let's not put up with that chicken crap. What are we gonna do about it? She says, "Look, I'm gonna
go talk to the judge. You're gonna be outta
here. All charges dropped. It'll be no problem." I was like, you think
so? She says, "Yeah." I said, well, can you
tell me something first? She says, "Sure, what's that?" I said, can you tell me
what I was arrested for? I don't even know what I was arrested for. She said, "Well, they said their first concern
why they took your phone was that they heard that there were phones
that could fire a bullet." And I was like, oh, I don't have that app. Never downloaded. I'm gonna be honest with you, if I saw that in the app store, I'd be putting that on the phone at times when that could come in handy. But no, I don't have that. I said, okay. So, that's
why they took my phone. And then, they arrested me for what? She said, "For resisting arrest." And I said, all right. And? She said, "No, that's it." I said, well how can that be? She said, "Well, that was the charge. Charge is resisting arrest." I said, they arrested me for resisting arrest and nothing else? She said, "Yeah." I said, so they arrested me
for resisting being arrested for resisting being arrested for resist... I said, what is that? The
Mobius strip of arrests? She laughed. She said, "That's funny.
Mobius strip, ha-ha. Should I say that to the judge?" I was like, I don't think so. I never went to law school. Maybe tell 'em it wasn't a
take my phone-able offense. I don't... Say something about
habeas corpus. I don't... This doesn't sound like where you should be
practicing your type five. Why don't we handle my case, and then I'll take you
out to some open mics? She says, "No, no, no, I
know this judge. He's a PISA. He'll love it." I was like, wow, if he's a PISA, go ahead. She goes in, she tells the
judge, my joke comes out, "All charges dropped, you're free to go." To the public defenders. I saw the bicycle cops again. We're a small town. I was back on K Street
going to the Crest Theater to pick my wife up from working as the box office manager. And I saw the bicycle cops out shaking down homeless people
for drinking in public. - Oh.
- Wow. - I was like, no, no,
they're drinking at home. This is... They don't have a not public. When they go into not public, you kick 'em back out into public. This is a no-win situa... And everyone deserves to
have a beer once in a while, especially someone
who's dealing with that. Come on. Have a heart, cops. Just not cool at all. So, I go in and I tell my wife, let's go out the back door, so we can warn the guys in the alley that the cops are shaking
down people drinking. So, she says, "All right, let's do that," 'cause she's cool too. So, we go out into the
alley behind the crest and I see the usual crowd of guys that are out there
drinking with one new guy in a nice coat, looked a little more
clean cut than the rest. And I walked up, they were all drinking. I said, guys, put your bottles away. The cops are shaking down people for having open containers in public. And they were all, "Oh, thanks, bro." And they all start putting
'em away and getting up. And the nice dress guy
looks at me and he goes, "Hey, man, you're a comedian." And I was, "Oh, yeah." 'Cause it's always
flattering to be recognized, especially in front of my wife. I was like, oh, you see
me over at the Punch Line or the Comedy Spot? And the guy goes, "no, no, no, man. I was in jail with you. You're hilarious bro." So proud. So proud she was. Do me a favor, please, don't
call the cops on each other. Thank you. Good night.
