Battleship - Nostalgia Critic

[Music] this summer experienced the most intense greeting by action-packed family friendly game of the year its battleship the movie the parody the game because we know everybody wanted to satirize this film but the movie bomb leaving a ton of untapped potential it's time to create your joke movie mocking this idiotic idea like Kinect for the movie guess who the movie oh [ __ ] are you doing the Disney version I've got the office version operation the movie damn you [Music] twister the movie Scrabble the movie I can't all be epic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the board game the movie board game character okay that was a little weak well how about oh yeah they made that and twister well how about Candyland oh my god they tried that you know what forget it this is ass I'm not announcing anything anymore unless it's original I'm gonna be out of work for a while [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic guy remember it so you don't have to well we've made movies out of cards emojis cards vacations of the movies and fetishes why not make one out of board game oh I'll [ __ ] tell you why battleship was released in 2012 from producer Michael Bay riding the success of his transformer movies which were also based on toys from Hasbro the funny thing is there's tons of Hasbro properties that could easily be adapted into a cinematic story but this was the only other one that went so it instantly caught BAE's attention though he did directed his dumb prints are all over it like making Fox's wardrobe in Ninja Turtles there's a lot of explosions fast editing close-up of mechanical things that go Mia and somehow this all racks up to an over two hour movie oh the is that possible decant off take one of them on an unexpected journey not that it mattered as the film bump pretty hard in the United States which is a shame I really wanted to see battleship - so how did this surprisingly not give people I'm bored with its flawless strategy of I played that when I was bored let's sacrifice two hours to it now let's find out why this was a definite miss this is battleship music you're already taking this way too seriously the opening text tells us a planet will never see has a nearly identical climate to earth thus a transmission device was created to make contact possibly allowing us to communicate with an alien world I know it's so hard to tell them apart time for some key waving edits ladies and gentlemen please prepare to bear witness to the making of history what's that shot too long we apologize there's plenty of washing and cutting awaiting you oh I'll get all the colors and shapes they so pretty your baby start transmission so the transmission is made from Hawaii to try and communicate micki contact with another planet sure does look like a laser beam doesn't it accept our message of peace with concentrated flaming death but were four minutes into a Bey production how does this tie in to getting laid I have a birthday blow out your candle and make a wish do not waste a wish on a girl it's my birthday my wish he's always named this it's not a stock tip it's a candle on a cupcake snipers have less stress than you all right princess again this is Alex hopper played by Taylor Christ was my big break coming kitsch whose brother stone played by Alexander Skarsgard he's upset he's hitting on yet another woman yeah she looks into me and what a chicken real chicken burrito her kitchens closed I will get you richer completely though to be fair getting a chicken burrito does sound closer to how a battleship movie should open up what's your name I'm hungry I'll give him this I do want to see these characters get blown to smithereens he sneaks into a gas station to try and steal a burrito because that's what heroes do your demographics really gonna know who the Pink Panther is like they're even old enough to remember Steve Martin cops Russian using tasers and the next day he discovers the woman he asked out of course has a powerful father your father is Admiral shade he runs the whole damn fleet you're messing with my job my life don't drag your junk harder into my Tru Blood 426 and what have you got sixty-five dollars to your name 26 it looks like he's in his 30s Oh coz he is nice the aging effects suffer new course of action new direction you're joining me in the Navy cuz that's how it works you're joining the Navy nope how Michael Bay is this film even the news acts like it was edited by ten monkeys coming to Hawaii for impact impact is the world's largest multinational maritime exercise RIMPAC is a military ballet this is all happening with the same caption at the bottom is this all supposed to be one story it's news now just people talking over each other barely hearing a damn thing okay you got that one years later we see all that intense in naval training putting Alex to the test in soccer [Music] sorry you must at least be this gay if you want to be the volleyball scene from Top Gun yes she got her chicken burrito you ready for overtime Alex Boches the finishing goal but he has bigger things on his mind like asking the father of his girlfriend Sam played by berkland Dekker if he can marry her first off I'd like to welcome you all to the RIMPAC international naval war games boy that guy does a terrible Liam Neeson impression oh it is Liam Neeson sorry the USS Missouri was the final battleship to be completed by the United States what's the difference between a battleship and a destroyer one got a lot better reviews than the other Sam's father is honoring veterans which Alex shows up late too he's an [ __ ] it's the comic relief played by Jesse Plemons he has an A but it's not worth it makes fun of the way different nations say hello classic routine so close you need medicine don't mess let me see what happens why do it chicken Kentucky Fried Chicken do look like Colonel Sanders actually use a handsome man do you need small brains to write small talk alex gets more nervous asking Neeson for permission probably than he did asking his fiancee to marry him they're being honored to have your permission sir give me your permission what's your deal could be a thankful honor to have your permission to honour your hand this is so much more fun than watching [ __ ] blow up but a sucker opponent walks in and they get in a fight forcing him to report to Neeson what is wrong with you you've got skills but I have never ever seen a man wasted like you yeah they keep saying he has these skills but what are they exactly kicking balls over Annette's getting teased for Fran that burrito and asking his father-in-law to marry him Popeyes a more credible sailor you're a very smart individual with very weak character leadership and decision-making skills that's why you're a [ __ ] lieutenant in the United States Navy yeah lieutenant he's a [ __ ] lieutenant in this that's not something you fall ass-backwards into it takes a ton of discipline and focus and what are his weaknesses very weak character leadership and decision-making skills so beside lacking the things that make you a damn good lieutenant you're a damn good lieutenant do you have anything to say to me anything I would like to ask for your daughter's hand and marry me regardless he's sent out on a training mission and big surprise he doesn't have much respect from his crew we've ended up in a department run by Donald Trump Mike Tyson mutant combo what was that petty officer Raikes I swear you said Donald Trump ah this is before he was so popular he's gonna have to phone with the Jag Alex gets the bad news that once this mission is over they're probably gonna kick him out of the Navy you've gotta make some calls some calls gotta be who do I call to teach you humility aside from a character testing invasion of transformer dicks I see no way out of this we see Sam works as a physical therapist and has been assigned to a difficult amputee patient named Nick who is easily the best thing in this movie not only is he an engaging actor as well as actually served in the military but he really did lose his legs in the call of duty I'm not gonna lie that's pretty [ __ ] cool that they went with a real amputee as well as a guy from the military rather than an average actor just using effects I'm for man and half a man ain't enough to be a soldier that's all I've ever known it makes the character and performance even more interesting when you know there's this authenticity behind up back to gambit on the USS Milton Bradley I'm sorry I messed up stop messing things up okay copy that I swear I won't do another snakes on a plane no I can't make that promise but aliens land on earth again just like the king and the Secretary of Defense played by Peter McNichol oh now I can take the film seriously looks over the invasion I'm hoping somebody here can explain this to me did I hear right I'm in a battleship movie like the game what is NASA present in this room for you quickly find the role of the suits in this movie is too dumb things down whenever a sense begins with so or you're saying or so you're saying so what is it so we have nobody in there so it's conceivable we do have somebody inside so you were saying if we sent out a signal so you're saying that a flying telephone cratered so you're saying I'm just an incredible tool we all are sir as you'd expect the Navy sees the ships land but they don't show up on their radars they send a raft to check it out that's what the Navy would say I'm attempting to communicate with you I am also a human being wearing clothes on a raft with Rihanna we still choices are about as good as mine right now Alex approaches the alien craft and tries to touch it Pinocchio had better wirework absolutely the alien ships attack Oh tell me somebody says that's not good thanks writers am i spy now they start launching their alien missiles Adam it says ages 8 and up no please don't rewind any of this stolen ship is targeted as well and he gets wiped out lied to my wife and say I died bravely who's next full senior you are it's your ship sir your senior officer sir permission to stressfully exhale sir granted Alex takes control and we're about to see his smart lieutenant skills form a brilliant plan [ __ ] random because eyeliner we ran this thing they kill my brother and every man on his ship you know he'd ironically be terrible at playing battleship your turn um miss b3 no you killed my brother and every man on his ship so I win can you win 20 bucks sir please the course the p10 but there's people drowning on the other damaged ships so they're sailors in the water get the guns online and we're gonna run this also I'm hungry they alter their course to save them and the aliens lunch Oh let's use the official bait erm enemy scrotums towards the people on dry land Junior League what do you think this sounds about a kid's game hey kid can you help me I'm supposed to pimp out a boulder chasing an archeologist and forget it maybe I can crash at Shane Jones house tonight why didn't these things get their own flick like grandmother could climb this mountain hey just a reminder you're still in this movie by the islands under attack attacked by who people using word alien aliens you do know this is a battleship movie right [Applause] you [Music] like our videos subscribe to be notified about them want to actually be notified about them click on that bell as well also don't forget to check us out on twitch planes and games telling some jokes no for all having a good time hope to see you there [Music] [Applause] back on the ship Aleks questions if he's truly ready to take on this command sir we need you I can't if you can't who can literally anybody I trust that guy making fun of people saying hello over him they recover one of the aliens and examine him to see what they can figure out my dad said they come said it my whole life he said one day we find them are they find of us you know what else he said please do tell us nobody has ever made this prediction before hope buying around when that day comes I on my board for that one other aliens break-in though and they continue to invade the ship stop stop sucking out our story you know we have as little as there is Alex lore is the alien towards one of the cannons and okay yeah this is pretty awesome Mahalo love it oh you missed the comic relief saying Mahalo sells foreign salmon Makar also approached by the aliens and are nearly discovered but pussy's wait for the sign that our prisoners will be released you will perish in flames can anyone hear me they were approached by one of the people who worked on the beacon and yes I will constantly remind you he's supposed to be a scientist he's supposed to be a scientist oh [ __ ] is that a grown up girl oh [ __ ] is that a horseless carriage oh [ __ ] it's this Hawaii meanwhile the news reports on the aliens wreaking havoc scientists have confirmed that there was a UFO landing in the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii being MSNBC we will jump to the conclusion that these aliens are sexist racist and currently being canceled days away away away overseeing them they put together a plan to locate the alien ships without using the radars water displacement tsunami buoys tsunami buoys my god it's just like that game Jenga we were the practice he does include enjoys it bruh I like it I wonder if anyone was legit excited when they stayed true to the source material like was there anyone in the audience shouting they showed the grid just like the game isn't that amazing guys god I wish I wasn't the only one in here meanwhile back on dry land it looks like aliens have taken over a base oh [ __ ] did somebody kidnapped the Sun do you have a piece of equipment that can make a call yeah you're gonna go get it so he sent into the base to get some technology to send a message oh [ __ ] are you Robby the Robot thank God aliens are dumbasses what do you remind you of a lover back from Hulk as back on the ship they try their best to follow the buoys to anticipate where the alien crafts might be romeo t6 I guess it's not surprising that I'm saying this but battleship is kind of boring if you told a kid to get to play battleship for ten minutes he'd be fine but if you told them it's for two hours and ten minutes you choose death by katja they defeat one of the crafts but they launch more iron giant nads who is it well that's a weird way to say hello kaboom sounds alien Batman of Robin nobody can climb something that's deep Alex this is where we first met aliens magnificent bastards you sunk my battleship they make it back to land where the only ship they have left is an old relic currently being used as a museum yeah it's like an old Buick just pop the keys in she'll start right up what do you need done need to borrow your boat so they decide to use the veterans as crew as they're the ones that know the most about how to operate the ship no that's nice showing respect for the elders who defended this country and treating them with dignity by utilizing their strengths in battleship oh it's nice to finally be treated seriously in this world war two fearless battleship is this an AA movie were starring in this battleship Louise we won't be in anything like those ridiculous transformer movies why do we have to use real feds my conscience is killing me the aliens have discovered they're sending out a signal for reinforcements back to their homeworld and why couldn't these aliens be like the ones from signs these guys are ready to bet on a planet that's mostly water but the signs aliens would be like no let's get to them fire on them but Alex uses the anchor to quickly swing the other way I think every senior on that ship now looks like this and they go on the offensive - almost Bob's everybody always talks about those who almost push the envelope well that's going on Stan and Mick start kicking ass on land as well Wow so these aliens are defeated by people with missing limbs the elderly and the nearsighted it's from signs aren't they it looks like the Air Force delivers the final blow is retiring this joke and the day is saved ah but don't forget about the surprise twist about what this all really is sank my battleship tell me that one instantly fix every problem oh [ __ ] is this a Village People concert we take great pride in honoring the many men and women who demonstrated exceptional gallantry well well man I mean did Sam ever do anything yeah that's our dough it is my great pleasure to present you with a Silver Star for your exceptional heroism and combat operations to a man I was going to fire literally a week ago Tennyson commander Alex hopper what do you think romantic couple whose love survived the end of the world are two actors who just found out they had a scene today thank you oh and he finally asked Neeson for permission to marry his daughter I'm asking your permission to marry your daughter no what if only no of course he says yes with I suppose or witty line but honestly it sounds more like the box office just giving this film the bad news we'll discuss the terms of your surrender over a meal yes sir but wait there's an after credit sequence oh I do hope it's a tie-in with the hungry hippo Cinematic Universe trust me I'd be scared of a sequel too but it ain't gonna happen battleship impressed few critics and audiences resulting in a lackluster return and are you really that shocked the movie feels phoned in on almost every level even with the massive budget the film looks and sounds like it was directed by the shark guys going off notes of what worked in the past rather than anyone telling a story they always wanted to tell the characters are laying the stories uninspired and with the exception of those Terminator Langille ears even the actions pretty dull I'm not sure if there were many who were expecting much from this movie but from my standpoint this ship was sunk on arrival I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember so you don't have to coming this summer the most epic adaptation of any game witness the game of life never seen anything more life-defining hey Doug Walker here doing the charity shout out this week we're doing no charity that ties into the coronavirus dance a charity we've done before it has four stars on Charity Navigator it's the Gary Sinise foundation and what they are doing specifically for a coronavirus they have launched a dedicated campaign called emergency Cove in nineteen combat service which has made strides in reaching departments in need of personal protective equipment and essential gear utilized in fighting Cove in nineteen financial assistance is also available to healthcare professionals service members veterans first responders and their families who have been impacted by this virus so this is just a great chair do you check out anyway like I said we've talked about before I mean it's really really fantastic and they as well are doing their part to try and you know fight this off so definitely check them out donate if you can volunteer if you can uh or just spread the word any of those would be fantastic man so uh thank you so much again for staying till the end and hearing just all the good that people do on all the great organizations and charities that are out there and I'll see you next time take care you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 594,500

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, battleship, battleship movie, battleship review, battleship game, movie, film, michael bay, doug walker, review, movie review, film review, movie discussion, funny movie review, funny review, bad movies, peter berg, Alexander Skarsgård, Liam Neeson, rihanna, michael bay movies, worst movie, box office flops, tamara chambers, malcolm ray, hasbro, hasbro toys

Id: YLXSGQI9s20

Length: 24min 43sec (1483 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 15 2020