Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Look at that joker. You know, it’s hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even hansonomer. Handsemener...handso... prettier. Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. And I remembered it for 100 episodes. Wow, 100 episodes. It's hard to believe that I've done that many. And that's not including contests, fights with the Nerd, and so forth, so... actually, that means I've done more than 100 episodes. So, what do I have planned for this unbelievably big event? I'll tell you what. A crummy ass clip show. This is where I sit back and do nothing and you watch a bunch of clips of me being wonderful. You acknowledge how fantastic I am and I go in the back and smoke a joint. It's a cheap cop-out, I know, but then again, I'll be high. So, you watch this clip from...uh...Captain Planet review and I'll see you in roughly 20 minutes. Bye. Ma-Ti: Well, I'll tell you how I feel about the whole situation! I'm fucking pissed off! I mean- Hey, wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything! He's just looking at a stupid clip show! NC: Heh? Ma-Ti: What the hell?! We watch 100 episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us?! I mean, that sucks ass! Past NC: Yeah, the Nostalgia Critic of the p ast wouldn't do something like that! NC: But it's my hundredth episode! Past NC: "But it's my hundredth episode!" God, what a cop-out! Ma-Ti: What happened to you, man?! You used to have strong, plentiful balls! NC: No, no, I do. My balls are still very strong and extremely plentiful! Past NC: Prove it! Do something special for your hundredth episode, something that everybody's requested but you never had the plentiful balls to do! NC: Well, what else is there?! I mean, I've done Batman and Robin, I've done Garbage Pail Kids! Those are some of the worst films out there! Ma-Ti: No, Critic. There is one movie that you have overlooked. A sci-fi film that is so terrible, it makes my nipples tingle with fear! NC: [Gasp] You don't mean?! Ma-Ti: No, not that one. NC: Oh. [Gasp] Ma-Ti: Nope, not that one either. NC: Oh. You mean?! Ma-Ti: YES! BATTLEFIELD EARTH! NC: AAAAAAAAAAH! Yes, you asked for it. Now here it is. Battlefield Earth, said to be one of the worst sci-fi films ever made. It came out in 2000, so I sort of considered it on the cusp of being nostalgic, but for the hundredth episode, I'm gonna give in and review the movie I've gotten a ton of requests for. Ever since from the beginning, I've been asked to review this movie, and now I'm finally gonna do it. It's based on the book by L. Ron Hubbard, but don't worry, I won't make any Scientology jokes because apparently, this film has nothing to do with Scientology. It has as much to do with Scientology as Halloween III does with Halloween I and II. It's just dumb sci-fi action with a dumb sci-fi story. No more, no less. Well, actually, a lot less, but let's take a look at this fuckstorm anyway. So the film begins IN THE YEAR 3000! The human race is apparently enslaved by aliens from the planet Psychlo. Psychlo. Really? C'mon, this is sounding like second grade fanfiction. They live on the planet Psychlo, where the Evil Meanasaurus and the Nasty Badamagoo eat up all the Oompa Loompas! It turns out they enslaved all of humanity because we have gold. That's right, gold! Nuggets! Bullion! Carats! Bars! Yosemite Sam: Gold! Gold! GOOOOOOOOLD! So we see mankind as the weak, animalistic creature that the future will make us . We see our main character named Johnny, as he rejoins the tribe Woman: "I'm sorry... The Gods took your father in the night..." (Johnny throws Air) Wow, I didn't think it would be this short amount of time for me not to give a shit, but...there you go! The emotional turmoil about a character I don't know mourning a character I've never seen. I'm in for a treat! Johnny: "Maybe there are other places we could live. Places where food is more plentiful." Bloke: "All it will take is for one of the demons to follow you back from the forbidden land." Johnny: "Has anyone here ever seen one? A demon, a monster, a beast! YAAAAAAH! " (Mimicking Johnny) Have you ever heard of subtlety, underplay, a good actor? YAAAAAAH! Oh, by the way, something you'll notice very quickly about this film is that every shot is at an angle. And no, I'm not talking about, like, a dozen shots or even a couple dozen, no. I mean, 95% of the shots are slanted. Why?! I feel like the fucking movie is sinking, there's no reason for it! Perhaps we could venture forth and find a new world to explore- WAAAAH! Oh, on top of that, every dissolve in this movie is a curtain wipe. Again, no purpose. (Moses what the Fuck are you doing here?? go back to bible where you belong) Look at this, I feel like Moses is parting the dissolving scene! But I digress, there's much more stupidity to be analyzed. So Johnny gets on his horse to go hunting for rocks or something, as he comes across a pair of outsiders. Guy no.1: "You from the caves? We thought you've never seen a God. Would you like to see one?" Johnny: "what do you know about Gods?!" Guy no.2: "We have seen gods." They show him a bunch of marketing statues that they confuse for Gods. guy no.1: "The Gods weren't allowed to fall in love with mortal women This one did. Frozen as punishment....... .....Look at those poor bastards, now they really, really angered the Gods." (imitating the guy no.1) Over here, you'll see the statue of the mouse God named Mickey! (Shooty shooty mcbang) (imitating Johnny again) Oh, no, it's a demon, a monster, a beast! YAAAAAAH!!! So the alien life-forms known as Psychlos come in to shoot at our heroes. Look at these lame-ass gun effects. They're more like Industrial Light and Atari. So Johnny is captured as we finally see what this advanced alien race that enslaved humanity looks like... Jamaican Klingon clowns. I gotta admit, movie, I gave you a LOT more credit than you deserved. ????: "Who is responsible for allowing this man-animal to run around unsupervised?" And our main villain of these alien Bob Marleys is John Travolta, playing the sinister Terl. I expect nothing but a subtle performance out of a character who looks like that. Terl: (shouting): "You're out of your skull-bone if you think I'm going to write on the report.... "shot by man-animal" as the cause of death, unless I see it! " But that would be stupid. (BANG.. rip Psychlo) Terl: "I'll be damned." (Whats so funny you dumb-ass, he killed your warrior!!!!!!) (dubbing over Terl) Oh, my God, the wipe is killing us, save me, save me, aaagh! (Is he cumming?) Terl is accompanied by Ker, played by Forest "What the fuck am I doing here" (Whitaker). Their job is to help mine gold on Earth, as they show one of the high rulers around their mines. Ker: "Our spy satellites recorded those images." High Ruler: "What is this species?" Terl: The species is called "dog". High Ruler: Obviously the superior race, having the man-animal chauffeur it around. Oh, yes, yeah, NEVER heard that joke before! Thinking the dogs are the rulers, how original. Psychlo's understanding of other species is the equivalent of a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up. High Ruler: "I must say, you've done a very straight job here as Interim Security Chief. (Applause) Which is why we've decided to keep you on for another tour of service." (You son of a bitch) Terl: "But have you looked at my files, sir? It explicitly says that this is a temporary assignment." High Ruler: "We decided to keep you here for another 50 CYCLES!........ (Awkward silence) ......WITH ENDLESS OPTIONS FOR RENEWAL!"(3 Times) (imitating the High Ruler) Oh, I'm sorry! I have this bad habit of repeating myself, (three times) repeating my- I'm an idiot. (U WOT M8?) Okay, now we're entering a bad NyQuil dream. Is this the film's attempt to be artsy? Because........ it works about as well as TILTING THE CAMERA ON EVERY FUCKING SHOT! Terl: "Please...tell the Senator, that if I had even an inkling that that was his daughter..." High ruler: "Watch your tong!!" (mimicking Terl) The very idea that I would go after a woman! ME John Travol- er, I mean, Terl the alien man, yes. So we discover that Terl's responsibilities extend to harvesting gold, abusing humans and chewing the scenery. Terl: "I can assure you that I was not groomed since birth to have some cushy job..... While you were still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to CONQUER GALAXIES! To do anything less is a disgrace to my entire family line." Good Lord, Jim Carrey, William Shatner and Jerry Lewis in a Kabuki class couldn't over-act this guy! I mean...what the hell is he doing? Does he really think is good acting? It's just so over-the-top goofy. i mean, did he even think before he went on cam- What? What was that? ???: How dare you, pathetic pile of man-animal! Terl? Terl:was just combing my nose-hairs into this beautiful moustache, when I overheard that you were disturbed... ...By my Acting!! Well, I'm sorry you don't like my opinion, it's just that I don't think it's very goo- Terl:No, no, no, it's not the fact that you were angry that made me uncomfortable, it's how angry you were! What do you mean? Terl:Well, if you want to convey your anger properly, you have to really emote! Well, like how? Terl: Hold your arm out like this! Terl: and say "Im REAALY ANGRY" Im really angry (Bored) Terl: No, no, no, no, no. I'm REEEEEAALLY ANGRY! I'm reeeaally angry? Terl:No, no. REEEEEEAALLY ANGRY! Reeeeaaaaally angry? Terl and NC: REEEEE- (Are They retarded?) Enough of this shit! Terl: I'll be back--! Meanwhile we see Johnny is put in local zoo with the other humans Here, they fight over the pecking order of who gets to eat first. Bloke:"I eat first, then my men eat. If there's anything left, you can share it with the rest of them. " (ROUND ONE. FIGHT!!!!!) (top 10 Anime battles) (FINISH HIM!) (FATALITY!) Johnny: "We have enough problems without killing each other over food!" (Imitating johnny):I know I'm saying this after nearly killing someone over food, but that's beside the point! So I guess Johnny is the new leader of the pack, as Terl discusses a plan to train... ...the man-animals to harvest gold for them. Psychlo: "Nobody works for free." Terl:"Man-animals do." (Fat-ass and Psychlo are Laughing) Fat Psychlo:"I will be the laughing stock of the universe!" Is that guy's chin a toilet seat? But Terl and Ker work out a plan to train the humans in secret and keep the gold for themselves. Terl:"Man is a primitive species, so we'll need something primitive for leverage, like food." Terl:"What do you think a man-animal would like to eat?" Ker: "There's no way of knowing that, sir." You know, how come this advanced alien race knows nothing about humans? they don't know how we live, they don't know our language... Yeah, that language thing is a little confusing, isn't it? Sometimes, the Psychlos speak English, but then sometimes, they don't. I guess the idea is to make it so that we don't have to read subtitles the whole time, but half the time, they have them on the screen anyway! So what's the point?! Just keep the languages separate, we can do a little reading And like I said, it's obvious the human animal is intelligent, we at least bothered to study other fucking animals rather than just laugh at them and have them mine gold. So why can't this advanced alien race see that? And for that matter, why don't they cut their fucking hair? And trim their fucking nails? And look in a fucking mirror, you oh-so-advanced alien race! At least in a movie like Planet of the Apes, the humans were dumb, so it made sense... ...why they would treat them like animals! Here, there's no logic! it's like Planet of the Apes without the logic! You know? Like the remake of Planet of the Apes! This is stupid, it makes no sense! Start making sense, movie! Start...making...sense! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! So they're taken to this education room, where, with just the click of a button, the language of the Psychlos is instantly put into their heads. Terl:(In Gibberish)"Do you understand me?" Wait a minute, so you could already teach them the language? Why didn't you do that before?! I... I don't get this Wouldn't learning their language make them much better slaves? Because.... You can fucking talk to them! Hello?! You can fucking talk to them! Communication! I mean, hell, if I had a device that would allow me to talk to my dog, I would fucking do it, because that is fucking awesome! We could learn so much! The possibilities! What is with these morons!? They took us over!? Bullshit! This is the stupidest alien race I've ever heard in my life! It makes no sense! IT MAKES...NO...SENSE!! Im this close to Cracking So while the machines are teaching them all of this stuff, we cut back to Johnny's village. "RIIICOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA" His girlfriend is worried about him, and so, she rides off to find him. Meanwhile, Terl shows the "intelligent man-animal" the remains of human history. Terl: "All your soldiers and all their advanced technology could only put up a measly 9-minute fight. Everything you humans knew is here, and you can look at anything you want..." (Mimicking Terl): Lord knows we didn't. Terl:"Because there is nothing... that will help you" So he takes him to an open field, where I think he makes the same speech... ....to the humans that he did to the cast and crew of this movie. Terl:" If any of you get any bright ideas about escaping, just keep in mind: I graduated top marksman in my class, and I can kill anyone of you at over a thousand paces. " (Terl Killed Cow no.1) (Terl killed Cow no.2) (Terl killed cow no.3) (Terl killed Cow no.4) (Domitating!!!) Okay, you can shoot cows, that's wonderful, McDonald's must be very proud of you Yeah, how about the people attacking you from behind? Can you shoot them? For an expert marksman, you sure have a hard time hitting what's right goddamn next to you, don't you? (dubbing over Terl) Please, tell them I'm an expert marksman! Bloke:"Lets give this demon what he deserves" It turns out these humans dressed as foxes are from the caves, but Johnny stops them before they go any further. Bloke:"Kill it! And then we'll run! " Johnny: "Then what? What kind of life is it to run!? (Life of Forest Gump) Johnny:"Always living in fear of being hunted?" Old guy:"You cant defeat them" Johnny:"Yes we can, Yes we can!" Barrack Obama:"YES....WE.... CAN...." Johnny: "Let it be said that we took this one chance... and FOUGHT!" (imitating Johnny) Or they could say that five really stupid humans went up... against an empire and got totally slaughtered... BUT FOUGHT! So like a friggin' moron, he hands the gun back to Terl and doesn't kill him. Why? Because instead of escaping, he wants to hold out for destroying the entire race! Well, I'm glad you have your realistic priorities in place! Terl:"Puny humans" But to make sure he has leverage, it turns out that Terl has found his girlfriend, and threatens to blow her up with an exploding collar if he doesn't cooperate. Terl: "So if you choose to disobey me, let me show you what will happen." Johnny: "You made your point!" (RIP: Random guy 0:23:10-1:05:20) (sarcastically) Yeah, aren't you glad you didn't kill him? Wasn't that just an unbelievably smart move? I'm glad to have you as our leader. The human race is looking so promising. (2 Movie minutes later) Old guy: "You didn't kill Sammy. Johnny, this is not living." Same guy who drowned in his food:"We'd be looking over our shoulders, waiting for the Psychlos to hunt us down. I think that is not living either." (Mimicking that guy) Yeah, you wanna know what IS living? Dying. (WAT) Wait. Wait, no, that's not living.. that's... that's fucking dying. Lady: "What's going on?" Man: Someone in that cage knows how to speak the Psychlos' language! He's gonna help us fight them! (Do i need to say anything?) Uh, this is really not that big a deal, guys. Unless knowing the Psychlos' language can shoot lasers from your balls, it's not really guaranteeing you a sure way out. What IS a sure way out, though, is the stupidity of these goddamn morons. I mean, look at this. HE continues to educate the humans, shows them how to fly their spaceships, and they've already proven that they can use their weapons! They really don't see this as a recipe for disaster? But it's okay, as long as they keep a good close eye on them, I'm sure everything will be okay. So, how does this advanced alien race watch these humans while they mine? A small camera flies over sometimes and takes a still picture. Terl: "Ill Be watching you!" OH, MY GOD!! HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE THESE GUYS?!! (Yes i agree!) You know what? Let's get Terl back in here, I wanna ask him something. Terl: HA HA HA. Space invaders, Puny Humans. o yees? Terl, why would you educate these guys that clearly want to kill you and then.. only watch them by taking a picture every couple of hours? Terl:Ha! A puny man-animal such as yourself couldn't possibly understand! We're far technologically superior! We've conquered dozens of species over hundreds of galaxies!..... (Bullshit!!) .....Or is that the other way around? You couldn't conquer Rhode Island! You're completely useless! Terl: Well, okay. Just because we've given them everything they could need to take us over... doesn't necessarily mean they will take us over! We figure humans operate by the honor system! But you don't even work on the honor system. Terl: I know, And thats why we always win (Laughs like hyena) Oh. Go away its like talking to horse's vagina Terl: Fool, while you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NA- So what are the Psychlos doing instead of watching the humans slowly plan to take them over? Gawk over Psychlo pussy, of course, as we see Travolta mingle with his real-life wife...a term I use very loosely. Terl: "She gets drunk with economical speed, and there's other advantages." (Nice Tongue!) (imitating the woman Psychlo) They call it the Gene Simmons transplant. (His tongue is more realistic than her) So the humans call on that fox-tribe we saw earlier to make it look like they're mining for gold, as they set out to Washington. (But thats Kentucky) No. They're not... (Open sesame) They're honestly not... (I want to Loot Fort Knox) SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!!! TERL! Terl: Oh, it's you again. How can you idiots not know about Fort fucking Knox!? What, you never checked to see we harvested gold, too!? Terl: Listen, you're probably figuring out by now that we Psychlos are not very smart..... In fact, the only reason we're able to take over any galaxy at all is that we fart nuclear bombs out of our anuses! Oh. So...none of this has to do with strategic planning or superior intellect? Terl: Nope! It's just farting bombs! (laughs) (sighs) You must be a very proud race. Terl: We are! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a play to rehearse for tomorrow evening! "To be, or not TO BE!" So, yeah, in a matter of 2 weeks...I'm gonna repeat that, 2 weeks... the humans learn how to find weapons, build bombs, arm guns and even learn how to fly fighter jets! Wow, these guys are making the Mensa people look like lobotomized retards! Bloke:"Piece of Cake" So Terl returns to get his gold and never questions how they were able to turn it into bricks, as he loads it up in a secret compartment. (RIP some corpse) Why is it I get the feeling this is how John Travolta wants to be buried? But after that scene, the humans finally attack! Their plan? To get to the teleporter so they can beam a bomb to the Psychlos' planet and blow it up. The explosion will be small, but since the atmosphere is entirely radioactive, it'll wipe out... the entire planet. UH! so, this military force of a planet...that has an atmosphere made out of radiation... has never had an explosion? This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's shooting gallery, and yet, there's never been an explosion on this planet!? (How did they made their weapons anyway?) They could look at a kitten, and somehow, they'd make it blow up! These guys are crazy!! There's never been an explo--?! YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT!?! THIS IS STUPID!!! THIS IS STUPID!!! STUPID, STUPID- (I BARELY BREATHED) OK The thought occurs to me that perhaps, I'm just not in the right mindset for this movie. So, to fix this problem, I'm going to make the proper alterations. (Intermition) (slurred) Duhuhuh, I like spaceships. (giggles) So, in a very confusing and extremely jumbled climax, the humans split up and try to attack different parts of the Psychlos' camp. Bloke:"The shooting's triggered the alarm!" Bloke 2:"5 guards from the south, heavily armed and moving fast! (These are fastest Psychlos ever) THAT'S moving fast? What do you consider moving slow? Standing still? (Shooty shooty mcbang) And we have our Commando moment where every friggin' alien fires at this guy, but somehow, they just keep on missing. (Psychlos are less accurate shooters than Stormtroopers) (imitating one of the aliens) D'oh! If only we weren't on a planet where everything was at an angle, we could shoot straight! The Psychlos send in the military to fight off those man-animals, but those handy fighter jets come in to save the day. Uh... So let me just clarify this. 6 fighter jets can take out these spaceships, and yet, an entire military in the past couldn't stop an alien takeover? How is that possible? Well, according to Conservative talk radio, because there's a Democrat at the White House. Terl:"Attention! This is Terl, your Chief of Security! Exterminate all man-animals at will,.... ...And Happy hunting" (mimicking Terl) I'm a Thespian Chief of Security! So one of the ships that was set out to blow up the base on Earth gets stuck, and so he has no choice but to blow up the ship himself. Bloke:"I'm blowing it up!.... Piece of cake." (dubbing over Bloke) I immediately regret this. (Directed by michael Bay) So the dome comes crashing down, Johnny manages to fire Terl's arm off, and the teleporter gets the bomb to the planet Psychlo, where it's blown up forever. (PURGE THE XEENOS) Daffy: "As I was sayin', buster, this planet ain't big enough for the two of us, so... Off you go! " So Psychlo is destroyed in probably the most idiotically simple of world destructions, as Terl is put in a cage and used as leverage. They even get Ker to join their team, because frankly, the Psychlos are fucking morons and anyone with half a brain wouldn't be on their side, including the damn Psychlos. (What a dumbass) Terl: "Why don't you vaporize me?" Johnny:"Leverage. If there are other Psychlo colonies out there, they'll send out their gas drones and exterminate us.... But if they learn that it was your greed that destroyed their home planet, then all the credits in the universe won't equal to the bounty that they put on your head." (imitating Johnny) So rather than living in a world where they're trying to kill us, we're living in a world where they're trying to kill us getting to this guy! This was a good plan. Ker:"(Laughs) Look at the Bright sight,.. At least you finally got your gold" Oh, the irony! He got his gold, but is totally unable to use it! D-did we emphasise that enough? The part about him having the gold but not being able to use it, cause that's what's going on here! He has the gold, but is totally not able to use it, God, roll the credits! (YAAAAY) Oh, fuck you, Roger Christian, whoever the fuck you are! This is an absolute ass of shit! I mean, this is bad, this is really, really...bad! The acting's over-the-top, the camera work's a joke, the story is beyond idiotic, it's just bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! And like I said, how are we supposed to believe even for a millisecond that these dumbasses of a race are supposed to take us over? Terl: Just you wait, Critic, for soon, we will conquer your primitive species just as we have for centuries- Uh-oh. Whats wrong? Terl: Oh, it looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet and now the whole damn thing's going to explode (Imperium of man is attacking) Oh...gee. I'm sorry, it's- Yeah Well...is there anything I can do? Terl: No, no, it's cool, just let me work on my dying words!...OH- You know, im not gonna miss him (Me neither) Terl:"While you were learning how to spell your name!"
