Dawn of the Commercials - Nostalgia Critic

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] does he know the TV's the other way [Applause] surveys some commercials Chips Ahoy there's new sprinkle Chips Ahoy yep it's that time again to tore down the often forgotten but fondly remembered avenue of nostalgic commercials why do so many of them stay with us what is it about the world of pandering and advertising that makes us so fond of Valerie whatever it is we're gonna review them and partake in their corniness once more so see how the first one I called will be right back and the second one after these messages and the third one explanation point this one I'm gonna call good old Chef Boyardee causing children around the world to grow up and shout I can't believe I used to put this in my body dinosaurs from Chef Boyardee tastes wholesome pasta that's a dinosaur hunt tasty wholesome pasta I can think of three things wrong with that sentence thank goodness for you pac-man pasta from Chef Boyardee smell of course making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new there was pac-man Smurfs help even take TechEd Oh got a pasta some people forget is that for the longest time they tried to make a game out of eating their products yeah listen and when you get three etches or rows of your spoon you win because first one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport one the more appropriate rules be hey kids if you can eat the elbow macaroni in ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears nose or mouth you win look at this crazy kid he's jacked up on the stuff just look at face it's like he saw Jesus and at the same time decided he wanted to eat him well even if you don't like the food Chef Boyardee always knew how to give us that tasty amount of goofiness tikka tikka tikka tacos with and without meatballs Oh Oh God you can't help but feel that warm fuzzy feeling whenever you watch this classic [Music] really it's a McDonald's commercial about a little girl thinking about running away and for some reason never questions the creepy clown that's on our neighbors lawn McDonald and that's where I'm from I hear it's a dictatorship where people disappear well Lindsay maybe there's some undesirables they are holding back genetic progress I hear where you're from is really nice - it's so calm because you've got that basketball hoop over your garage and your back porch has that great wind chime and plus there's that beautiful field yeah but to be fair her basketball hoop and wind chime aren't as impressive as your satanic powers to levitate solid mats and create life from nothingness McDonald land is still sound like a bit cooler there Ronald who's gonna make the decorations for your dad's birthday party who's gonna be the snowflake in the school play who's gonna feed mr. goldfish oh okay yeah it all seems sweet and cute until you realized this was a stranger danger commercial come on give me the first person to think that about Ronald McDonald I mean look at him in this commercial but I think he's missing [Music] rym yeah if a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and oh I don't know offers you McDonald's to go with him chances are you should probably run for home or that's not like puts it yeah get out of it just look at the way Ronald stares at her in this scene if someone went up to your kid and smiled like this I pull her the [ __ ] away from him oh well as much as I make fun of them I still love both these commercials around Christmastime McDonald's wishes you a holiday season with the people who make you smile brought to you by a company set to sabotage your arteries for the rest of your life by Lindsay so you think celebrity endorsements are bad now take a look at what they did to the Caped Crusader when Batman Returns came out that's right is he gonna stop rioters or capturing the culprit responsible for this crime [ __ ] no he's gonna get him some diet coke Tyco tiger coke I need my Tiger car don't the attractor get out of the way I mean my bet free alternative to high-fructose deliciousness don't you think you're taking this a little too [ __ ] you mr. malvit hairstyie car after all there's just one what we discover it was Catwoman who was the culprit all along boy slow leak for her isn't it I mean was this really her grand plan shut down the city so she could tease Batman's bizarre low-calorie soda fetish no offense Selina but you can do better that's the last reason anybody drinks it the first reason is well now honestly because Batman Shrek says he loves it so much he would literally let the city die just to get the last one that's probably the best endorsement you could give a product so if I guess it works another classic collection of commercials we can't forget along with that wonderful jingle that we can't forget their trauma commercials at all but is it me or does this sound like the national anthem for adults who never really did grow up you know those man children and women children who never want to do anything with their lives except play with their toys I'm telling you it's all because of this jingle don't believe me the sequel commercial that came out years later proves it they're in the exact same location my toes are asking for so much yes you're really fast really it's like no time has passed they never let their parents place this is their life it's the biggest toy store in fact the more I think about it they're probably there even to this day Reggie go away mom Reggie Winnie I gotta get a job I told you mom I'm a Toys R Us kid you keep saying that you couldn't possibly understand mom I've never gotta have any grandchildren they just complicate the plan mom the toys-r-us plan I'm going to watch old old movies of you and see where I went wrong Toys R Us cake mom Toys R Us kid the only other problem I ever had with these commercials is that half the toys were never at Toys R Us you ever noticed that I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what but half of these products they were advertising we're never at the store like imagine you were a ninja turtle not like I was look at these [ __ ] things holy [ __ ] I want the life-size dancing ninja turtles please don't have it ok I'll take that gigantic teddy bear that he's bouncing around on well how about that game where you bombed the battleship there has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship this place is an insult to Joffrey the giraffe great honey I gotta get a job sure could be marshmallow back believe it or not there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character and would you like to see what he looks like if you how is that it's like a silly putty combo of the Nesquik rabbit and fat weird al' yankovic and okay that chin seriously needs to be censored I swear I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now and that should not be under the mouth of an a cereal mascot something not yet babe I don't even know what the commercials about it's a monster that wakes up but when he's fed Count Chocula he turns back into a kid okay I can't take your eyes off that image of Robin Williams face coming out of a Muppets but if you just yeah turn away turn it away burn it with acid Center spice a chocolate monster give no time what a monstrous illegal part of a complete breakfast Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you you stay the [ __ ] away from my chocolate monster you know you're doing a great job oh yeah I don't know how many people remember this one but for a while everybody was quoting it it starts off with a woman working at her job when her boss obviously starts hitting on her but you're not using all your assets with a body like that you can go to places sexual harassment makes you feel like less of a person as a stop sexual harassment booklet at your public library be a little more sexy talking about your job no we're talking about sexual harassment here and I don't have to take it boom my early nineties perm just schooled your ass I don't know what it is there's just something about how direct she is and how almost robotic she says it no we're talking about sexual harassment here don't poke the boy thing is sometimes I wonder if this would still work if the roles were reversed like it feels the woman hitting on the man my guess at almost you would be no for one kind of obviously this happens more to women that does to men but to men just aren't smart enough to recognize when they're being hit on we're kind of dumb that way if a woman is not interested that's the one we go for buff a woman is interested we're blindly naive to it for some reason if a female boss is hitting on a male worker he's not gonna catch on to it anytime soon except for you you come here yes my lady it's not a long day hasn't it oh we Oh henchman number five yes my lady and you do anything for me what have you yes my lady unless someone half your age we're to kill you in which case I would swear and allegiance to our blindly okay what do you say I ride your broomstick for a while what do you mean fill my pointy hat don't follow my totally lost Jesus wipe it spell it out for you I want to have sex with you Oh still don't get it I don't have any other words to say not one part of that sentence could be interpreted any other way oh I think I see what you're saying good you want me and henchwoman number 12 to hook up well don't worry my lady I'm still working on it hello henchwoman number 12 still not into you creep she's so into me huh forget it you're fired I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey I need a better union enjoyably awkward and quotable as hell we're just talking about a damn funny commercial here no we're talking about sexual harassment here and I don't have to take sexual harassment by a lady and it violates the law hey remember kicks the only cereal commercial that pretty much listed every single reason why not to buy it there's no candy stuff no sugar sprinkles no preservatives no color it doesn't how many can your chocolate in it honestly it's just rabbit droppings that they painted yellow but the box is pretty actually they went so far out of their way to prove how little is in it that there's actually a commercial that says there's no flavor in it listen no car okay Liz yeah that might be taking the wrong wait guys especially when you're advertising how phenomenally boring your product is little candies bag the funny thing is that kicks is the only cereal that tastes different literally with every single bite you take it's like it gets worse and worse with every single nip I'm not even joking you can do a diagram on the natural progression of what every bite does to your taste buds the first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying notice how the smile has deteriorated by 50% on the second bite signifying less enjoyment out of the experience the third by clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth surely part of the Box must have worked its way onto the spoon clearly they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts this mistake will not be made again now kids can get a classic little golden book free from cakes with one proof of purchase plus shipping okay did anyone ever actually send in the proof of purchase I mean did that ever happen in the history of mankind I don't know cereals don't do this but when they were too cheap to put the toy in the box they had you pay for a stamp an envelope as well as shipping and handling and have the toy delivered to you a few days later do kids really have the attention span for that now kids can get a free dr. Seuss classic to read with two proofs of purchase plus shipping but to be fair those books probably would taste better than the actual cereal yes contested mother approve uh yeah let's say it like it is people kicks kids tolerated mother has coupons hey kids there's another turtle rific edition of now we're talking Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this is just a straightforward and promoting the first VHS that ever came out of the series heroes in a half-shell there's not a time to talk about except for one little portion that might throw you off a bit the video that reveals the incredible true story wait a minute well with that the video that reveals the incredible true story the incredible true story mmm I'm not a scientist or anything but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the insane Adventures of four anthropomorphic life-forms living in the sewer escape board eating pizza and fighting the ninja army led by Uncle Phil probably probably takes place in the world of fiction it's just so strange because there's no other way you can interpret it it's not like he meant it to be taken this way or part of some misunderstanding no they straight-up say it's a true story the video that reveals the incredible true story what the hell are we supposed to do with that except drop a conclusion that fhe are [ __ ] liars the video that reveals the incredible true story that's right they're real if you don't see him in front of you right now which probably because you haven't bought enough of our products would we lie what I like too is that the announcer clearly has no problem straight up lying to kids about it but he almost stumbles when he has to read what they're actually called it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as if halfway through he just realized how stupid this sounded but tried to keep going anyway teenage mutant whoa you guys smoking Ninja Turtles still fun ad just don't have that they GE testify in court anytime soon now this next one's a classic for Teresa oh I see you're a man who likes no I'd say yeah well what do you say we find your creamy Center what do you mean do some old punching the phone that's something rise up DeLillo's what's wrong with you I want weird wobbly which sticks oh I know what you say you want me and the actress from Game of Thrones on the plays they'll buy no bragging chick to hook up well don't worry I got her on speed dial hey it's you know she totally wants me what am I missing here you stole will you piss off I'm trying to review some commercials commercials yeah with this one [Music] and this is what happens when a man and a woman love each other very very much they will get porno sites together you're fired I don't even know you speaking of where babies come from we got possibly one of the most brutally honest baby doll commercials ever they're called but take care of me twins even the title sounds a little angry doesn't it like a bitter nickname or something this commercial seems determined to show every stressful terrible part about raising a child this is my day again not the happiest words to shout during a baby commercial but this was like the most passive-aggressive ad I've ever seen like saying oh yeah you want a baby you want a [ __ ] baby to kiss your social life goodbye because this is your day this is your entire goddamn day it's just drooling sneezing feeding changing running around very much just look at the smile she gives that's the smile of I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take him away from me take care [Music] and oh boy what a rushed happy ending huh hell hell hell hell hell but it's really goodbye here betweens make four baby sounds I don't think I've ever seen a toy that advertised more why not to buy it but hey if tearing out your hair to raise a not human being is your idea of fun then ah yet another series of classics the set up is that we see what happens to a scrawny looking kid if they keep growing up while drinking their milk what girl's gonna go for me with a body like this hang in there tom I'm you two years from now cuz you're drinking milk and working out NewsView Big Brother I'm drinking milk and in the next few years it's gonna give me a lot of what I need for strong bones beautiful skin and a healthy body looking closer at these people realized how phenomenally shallow they are I mean all of them are totally based on looks alone in fact one of them even flat-out says it but I'll bet you're hoping for a hunk and what all my work is done will you love me just for my body I can't live with that milk it does a body good milk because personality should come never as long as they show looks are everything I guess milk is the ultimate ace in the hole my body the only difference between me and the guys is distress hey you can see we turned out just fine who is that every geyser yeah he beats me with a shovel but you could skate on those ABS if you're still the same little creep in a big body I won't even acknowledge you my brother the truth is if we really could go into the future based on what these selfish little douchebags are like they probably wouldn't like what they see you may think I'm a shrimp now big brother but I drink eat milk which means like our long hair beautiful skin and become totally self-absorbed meaning I won't need to think for myself and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body and they don't feel the same thing is inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure but that's not enough but then we'll discover rehab and realize it was all word of God's plan with my only friend the glass of milk that started it all milk what the [ __ ] hey this is my spot maybe I'm reading too deep into it or maybe they should emphasize the importance of brain power as well as body power milk it does a body good oh good a commercial from Canada our friendly neighbors from the north they're always so kind and everything they do oh look a baby shower for an expectant mother oh you got the little girl there and everything oh my god this is gonna be adorable that it's a rape whistle what the [ __ ] can a doubt I mean talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads is this how you do all your serious commercials start off with something innocent and light-hearted and then smash it down into cruel cruel reality I mean it's like starting off an ad like this you know the Hardys work doesn't call for water out of the cooler what do you got there I got me a nice bottle of mountain water cool refreshing big on taste but also big on satisfaction what do you got there I got pancreatic cancer sheesh I mean this can't be good for tourism who the hell would want to go to Canada after learning that statistic do they have that on the entry sign to the place welcome to Canada one in two girls will be physically or sexually abused that's pretty awkward I mean how do you think the expecting mother feels that it's a rape whistle well grandma just ruined the baby shower I'm gonna go hit the vodka no wait can't drink that's right that's right again great timing grandma I know you mean well guys but Jesus it's a rape whistle everyone rise for the greatest commercial ever I know it's current but trust me when I say it is destined to become a nostalgic commercial classic it starts off with a guy just going into a Denny's to get some pancakes what follows is a moment of pure and absolute beauty red white and blue pancakes huh they taste like America [Music] yes yes they do not extrange old man Denny's red white and blue pancakes taste like America my god everything this country stands for all the bloodshed all the cries of freedom for all the wars all the battles all the patriotic treasures of the world oh we found here in this pub brilliant piece of brilliant miss you know some people say they see America and the Lincoln Memorial [ __ ] them some say they see it in the Constitution of the United States but then to some say they see it in our purple mountains Majesty in the glimmering eye of the honest worker or in Our Stars when they see that our flag is still there [ __ ] panties he's at the red white and blue pancakes from Denny's I mean just look at this man when he walks in he is lost and unsure of himself he is afraid to venture where he has never ventured before these pancakes these simple red white and blue pancakes but where were they lead him but what will this mean for his future but then you can see the old man thinking thinking long and hard about it do I tell him do I let him in on the secret of this nation's greatest landmark yes he is ready America [Applause] merica and you can see on that young man's face that he has found salvation so he once was lost but now has found Dennis red white and blue pancakes tell me Oh kind wise sir what other words of wisdom you have to say about this great nation of ours America yes yes good good but what specifically about America makes it so special America oh yes yes it goes without saying but could you possibly go into more detail America how many fingers am i holding up America what color is my hat America you can't see anything else can you America and this young man and I have clearly been reading too deeply into your uncontrollable mental illness America well I still stand by this is the greatest commercial of all time why okay very calm and cool kid top that America okay well thanks for watching my commercial special everybody I hope you enjoyed it and hey whatever it did happen to that horny Wicked Witch it's hot in here and I like you very much lover boy oh I mean the candles the music the sexy dress what's going on here don't you like me I'm your girl are you doing this for I want you what do you mean I want your body don't boy I want to have sex with you totally lost listen here you Bassam and it was a picture of a spoon on his wall for some reason I want your now I guess [Music] it's a sexual-harassment and I don't need to take it what does happened [Music] [Applause] [Music] you felt good feel like I have a reviewed anything that's talent you for a while could see there's a are nostalgic things I can review no my son there is still one movie left for you to review before you return to your nostalgic roots what do you want Joe Joe do not know this Joe I am your father Joey knock it off Joe my father wouldn't have Hedgehog hair like yours far I shut it off shut it off but seriously there still is one recent film you have to answer for Oh what come on I've reviewed enough recent stuff I'll I'll get back to my nostalgic roots there's a certain summer blockbuster I know that you didn't care for and I'm here to make you answer for it even if I have to make sure you review it properly all the way through well what film is that really you don't know of course I know it's just that it's pretty obvious we're talking about man of speed no sure we're talking about man esteemeth just want to build it up for dramatic tension oh well great now how are we gonna leave on a cliffhanger I'm pregnant America

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 484,880

Keywords: channel awesome, doug walker, nostalgia critic, commercials, nostalgic commercials, nostalgia critic commercials, old commercials, retro, retro commercials, funny commercials, toys, toy commercials, 80s, 90s, dawn of the commercials, 80s commercials, 90s commercials, commercial special

Id: Zf077kkf1lQ

Length: 33min 35sec (2015 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 15 2018