Ashens Christmas Special 2019

[Music] hello ho-ho so here it is Merry Christmas everybody's having fun except everyone anyway let's try and inject a bit of Christmas cheer into the old Yule season through the ultimate magic the magic of Poundland yes I've been to many pound lands and retrieved items of such beauty the gods themselves weep and curse their own hideousness yes a good year this year in fact if I don't go next year I've probably got enough items to tide me over for them as well Oh Power Man thank you so much so let us begin with items you would hang off your Christmas tree and I did that as if there was Christmas tree there cuz there isn't imagine it as fun wasn't it yeah so let's start with what is the most traditional thing you would have on your tree probably you have a star or a fairy or angel thing on the top of the tree on you baubles are popular tinsel but of course what everybody really wants is the Merry Christmas glittery slice of pizza and here it is with a purple crust because somebody's put icing on it I don't know why is the pizza gold well that's a stylistic choice to look more Christmasy I don't know golden red which I understand but in here tree decoration warning keep away from reality yes thank you so yeah let's begin with our Merry Christmas pizza slice I think it's pepperoni or maybe there buboes that has bubonic plague I honestly don't know don't know anyone what is it blue I don't know is the answer to that also it's got lots of little warts and things on it and I think I supposed to be like sprinkles or something but actually look like something has dropped off a nano bot or something it's very odd I don't know anyway golden blue donut don't worry the next one's perfectly normal wait I'm lying is the silver pineapple this is really solid by the way you could check this is something and really do some damage there's a task for later and yes Oh silver glittery pineapple with black leaves it's been in the window a bit too long okay then yes anyway enough foodstuffs here's some headphones so of an attempt to something more modern from land I suppose they've gone through the bazaar and foods that old sit on your side then see if I ain't care oh well I've scared it now stay if you're good you can use the headphones in a minute they had these in pink and blue but I can only find the blue ones that weren't broken so that's always nice quite quite a lot of escaped glue on there you can see that oh that's nice blue hair always positive yes so it's starry headphones hanging off your tree and swell it's his modern isn't it I suppose so they do look like a sort of design that came about in the 80s but let's not get into that 70s in fact looking at the mountain well nice pair of cat hands and all that um do you know I was very disappointed because in a panel and I went in they had really bizarre looking again things to hang off the tree but they were joypads and you know like a controller for a playstation but really oddly looking and I really wanted one but they were all broken so I thought I shall go into another peril and get a non broken one never saw them again obviously they were such a big seller I've no I said that vaguely sarcastically they probably literally were well what could you do what more could you want you've got all this beauty on your tree all you really need now is a fabulous dark and they don't come much more fabulous than gloomy eyeball man here they reals get out there for you is some sort of royalty got a crown going on a nice blue rough a lot of glitter golden beak silver glitter on the back and it's clearly made of polystyrene because it's very very light which means it will catch fire in seconds if put near any source of ignition so don't do that yeah warning keep away from fire in big letters hangout to reach of children for decoration only I like this I genuinely quite like the fabulous duck something amusingly overly garish and funny about it it has got a very similar color scheme to the donor which is a shame there we are sitting it'll be like a pile cushion for you oh he has fallen and he can't get up now what brings the presents every year what brings them along to the kids is it father Christmas course it isn't sod that fat old git it's the the present Lama is this a thing from another culture is it actually an alpaca is it a man in a funny suit I don't know I have absolutely no idea whatsoever this this sheds no light if this is a bit crap I'll be honest with you it's got a really bad paint job it's all sort of chips whereas knocked into other ones I would presume in the box or something it looks more like he's got squashed cakes and soap for all the children which is always jolly and the eyes are emits quiff you want a present mate you want a [ __ ] present I'll give you a present it'll be really nice sorry I have a condition that makes me sound threatening at all times it's called winston syndrome anyway yes that that's that's a like I like his necklaces and they jolly and look he's doing a little white poo great yeah well don't worry there's something I think we've all wanted we didn't know we wanted it but Poundland have created it and now we can actually put it on our tree Poundland branded gift yay no this is actually one of the nicer ones it's quite scratched on the front but I think that's my fault when I brought it home in the bag I don't think it was like that when I bought it because I seem to remember thinking all these are all they're quite nicely done you've got your separate presents on top but of course they're all from pound land and that is your guarantee that you bought them from pound land yeah that's just crazy they've gone really meta this year they've been having these sort of toy traps and things for a while now we're getting the mugs and God knows what but this this is possibly their finest erm work yet the Poundland christmas bull was living a bauble as a Christmas decoration tree decoration it's a square thing with a logo on it enjoy hearing me and also spotted by a friend Merry Christmas ghost I think it supposed to be a snowman but there's complete lack of nose as just kind of turned into a it's like wire with vaguely tinsel stuff right well they're describing as tinsel dick ah I didn't get tinsel and you can't have one that the other people who aren't British I'm not gonna get that joke tinsel decoration keep away from fire you ever worked that one out um yeah well great right let's move on to the next part of the video which is dealing with a new product range from pan land from the makers of elf on the shelf you might remember that thing a few years ago there's some sort of shelf with an elf on it it was magical ok children ready for this year's hottest item here they come it's the elf mates hello children hello children we speak with one voice for we are the else mates and we are legion we fear no man and feel no pain anyway elf mates from the creators of the Elf on the Shelf thanks guys giving Santa a helping hand so there are three of them basically I've only bought two because frankly they're all the [ __ ] same and basically just the same thing in different colors I think the Vlaams a blonde one yeah there is at the start great auras is that one no yes no darker green blonde you've got sort of gingery hair and lighter green and then dark hair and red and those are your elf mates this one is cobbler not cobblers cobbler this one is chef and the other one is I don't know military assassin droid have got no idea so what's the deal here folks since I love shoes and the clothes that match with it with them I'll bring warmth to each home with flair and wit and astonishingly bad grammar I'll remind kids who have more than enough to give away something away before they grab up more stuff and I will sell them on my eBay page what's this one then since I use food as the weight of the heart I'll cook up kind acts to set me apart well the other ones don't do contact I'll remind kids who have a very full tummy to give something to those who need something yummy yummy yummy my eyes are dead like my soul so supposed to be a lack of nose killing all these things oh well that I suppose is the style of the time so they've got grippy hands you got a bit of velcro and one and nothing on the other so this sort of vaguely stick together and it's can strangle you in your sleep or something stripy socks no feet whatsoever the boots are just like flat which is quite creepy frankly and I've just realised the hats look so the cobbler has an L know it's a boot that is a boot - boot actually like a series about submarine that one's got cooking it's got an asteroid because because it's ingredients come from space was it cookie I've got no idea kind of wish I had got the third oh wait I can cheat because I have the head of the third one in cardboard look it's got a reindeer on it the third one is actually a toymaker that makes sense because it's wait for it not only from the land of pans can you buy these fabulous dolls but you can also buy accessories and clothing look his is a jumper for the toymaker you're gonna wear it though one of the others toymaker one as previously mentioned right come on then actual fibers and here is the flattened corpse of the toymaker who did not obey my pain is infinite and forever right so how does this work I presume you stick his head through the hole and the arms through the other ones that seems fairly straightforward yeah my mate you'll catch your death of cold of this incredibly hot remaining court recording in a tag off oh yeah look at this it's like RuPaul's Drag Race except different in every single respect and Dillion nearly and through yay gods I'm dressing a toddler there we are now you look like an early 90s jumper on that's too big for you but was weirdly the style at the time amazing well I don't know wait I forgot I've got something to the cobbler his nightshirt I don't know why you'd need a nightshirt to go over his bloody apron is existing clothes but let's not question the elf mates because frankly they're scary and right off you come there's another corpse a tie something from the end of the midsummer or something here we go always one's got legs they looked at air did it I don't know why I did that right so this I can't be bothered to dress me out from mother um hang on no no this one this is easy and I feel actually it looks a bit like a football top or something come on he's supporting Norwich City or something of this here we are one of those actually I didn't I this from the Poundland quite Norwich City football ground there's a pointless piece of trivia to zazz something to say where I spent ages fiddling with these damn bloody dolls as you know why I can't be bothered you can just look weirdly Quasimodo like I'm going to bed but I'm too drunk to be a [Music] and it was a Merry Christmas for everyone right what's the story then the story of elf mates by Chanda a bell thought Chanda was a verb for a second and that was a request that confused me from the Craters of the Elf on the Shelf there they are looking all the same right at the North Pole was a lot of pages yeah that's good enough for about at the North Pole word got to father Christmas Santa Santa I bring sad news there are many who are going against the true spirit of Christmas what is that you haven't defined terms is that little knock look at him the weird posh get Jacob Riis mugs personal elf and father Christmas was dismayed but what could he do all of his reporting scout elves were already busy doing their jobs for him his tax returns and murdering his enemies and the only what's going on more CG Santa rubbing his chin it's quite cheery from the shelf who has the same right it's all coming true as the Elf on the Shelf scout elves they already have a mission to watch over children and then report back so far the Christmas can keep track of Christmas cheer cheer up five points over last quarter if they are busy listening and watching they want to have time to help in any other way father Christmas Elroy Sui gets these other elves to do [ __ ] ok they are also the only elves born with Christmas magic in their hearts so they can live safely among humans what the hell are you talking about Santa give me the drug Santa so there's the Elf on the Shelf looking at the child do my bidding man holy army of the night is nearly ready god is dead pets have been stuffed badly just like you've given Christmas magic to elf pets well there's mrs. Claus look at that perhaps you could also give some to other elves you live in the forest I'm sure they too would help oh ok that's no this is a thing that's of caring okay show us the mission of fur as one of them are actually got make to the makers of shoes cobblers as he called Merliah he extended the mission since you love shoes and the clothes that match with it bring warmth to each home with flair and wit I've read this before humph humph I say oh it's just merely nearly at the end so father Christmas armed these aren't these very special elves with golden heart chunks you know were armed means right the weapons golden heart chumps full of just enough Christmas magic to make it in the human world they would each work to carry out their new task to help bring back the true spirit of Christmas what is that I think there's some I think these terms need defining I think Santa has some weird weird ulterior motive and his idea of the spirit of Christmas is horrendous we must kill all the children we were left-handed oh yeah that's this is very odd armed with golden heart charms the most potent weapon ever also Santa here seems to be having some sort of 3d clipping problem with his beard he looks like he's from a Ubisoft game before the first patch no I mean anyway chanda a bell is an award-winning children's author she did not win awards for this one I wouldn't have thought which he probably knocked out in an afternoon and when I say knocked out in the afternoon she probably got somebody at the publishing house to do it while they were drunk well there we are that's the must-have toy for children this year the cellophane bag a bit of a jump cut there so we can see the beautiful faces of the elves and also those make your own character outfits included I always like to make my own character this is my original character Blahnik the Hodge Haig and yeah I presume by making your own character you mean to make your exact character of father Christmas that you have described in the corner here because those are the exact parts we have been given well let's open it up and find out I'm frankly just amused the idea of a semi naked Santa oh oh dress Moo children whoa I've been arrested right this distant phone there's some Santa's what is this like a sperm whale or something this is familiar he's dark familiar ah so they're good are right I understand so you can take all this off and then glue it to hide his shameful nakedness from the Lord here we are well I put it on something smells really odd that's nice hmm stinky Santa you smell like the output of a chemical rendering plant can't get the lyrics to scan stinky Santa mm mm right mm there's beard that's always good yeah no no I messed it up hang on I'll do the other one properly and jump cut to it so we don't watch it being made and there we are a traditional Norfolk father Christmas fantastic it's it's made me feel proper Christmasy but remember on Boxing Day you have to turn them over for the special Christmas message it's like being home again probably cuz I'm in my house right let's finish up with the last few exciting items firstly it's Christmas time nice Christmas tealights good isn't it you know when there's all flat candles you light it you put it in something pretty and what do you want it in how about a taxi is that a taxi I don't know it's got a massive hole in the roof there looks like a shotgun exit wound or possibly an explosion possibly this is a taxi that's been blown up let's get the side gone the roofs gone and exploded taxi just what Christmas means to me certainly doesn't shed any light on this no then it's it's the Merry Christmas bombed out shell of a taxi it isn't Christmas until you've called a taxi and it's even explicably blown up well you go over there and then I'll throw in the bin later because frankly you're freaking me out slightly now this is interesting because I bought this thinking oh that's awful and you know I looked at Tim it's never quite like it so it's Polly penguin specifically low-poly penguin yeah it looks like something from the video game from 1987 or something um actually they probably wouldn't heard that many polygons but let's not think about that yeah it's just a sort of white badly glazed surround make lump that looks vaguely like a pin I quite like you though I don't know what it is I really didn't like it when I first saw it and it is grown on me it's grown on me like a tumor and yeah now it's it's gonna live as part of my Christmas decorations forever due to its wonderful beauty if I can improve it any actually there we are now now I've completely ruined it I saved it I was worried for a second right marvelous Peggy Peggy Polly penguin you can sit over there because that's the only place I can reach and oh my god I forgot something from earlier I've just won't have the call of my eye I forgot one of the tree decorations it was the cupcake with weird multicolored growths coming at least I think it's supposed to be a cupcake I mean the bottom is like some sort of muffin case or something and the top is like hell I don't really know I mean it's got stuff growing out of it actually I don't really see what they were thinking with this one you can't just give foodstuffs random colors power-mad I feel this is something you need to learn in general with your Christmas decorations particularly the tree ones there we are don't eat it for God's sake right let's finish up with some lovely cards there's a lot of pound on Christmas cows this year and some of them are from this sort of sassy range that they're doing now and are all frankly a bit odd so it's starting with Merry Christmas and all that work it's a smiling pile of [ __ ] with a hound see this isn't quite as bizarre do you think because there's that whole LEM poo emoji thing which is supposedly cute so yeah we'll give it that this card is blank inside for your own message my message will be love and [ __ ] which sounds like the next wizards on film then we've got have your elf or happy Christmas and the elves are like weird porcelain statues of Kim Jung eel is it Kim Jung Il is Carmen Kim Jung last one was me I don't know I've forgotten my Kim yawns and then you've got Donald Trump and I believe Vladimir Putin although it could be any man who played a dad on a British sitcom from the 70s as a bit vague on why are they the elves we're just bloody thing and finally this is this is the most inexplicable things one needs a lot of explaining actually in case you're not British but have a Mary Barry Christmas now let's get shit-faced and look this lady has brought flagons of ale for you and she's drunk out of it already so we're good for her so just to reference here this is supposed to be I presume Mary Barry Mary Barry is a lady on the television who's old quite posh and is like an expert on cakes and there's like on the Great British Bake Off of that why why is she on a card about getting shit-faced why isn't hers and there was even licenses it's our own original character Blahnik I mean Mary Barry yeah yeah I just don't understand why Mary Barry would be getting you shit-faced it's just it's very odd it's just like well here's a thing and we can be irreverent with it the card is now made our betters probably sold really well as well anyway tell you what as a special treat before we go let's open some pages from the Christmas coloring book I mean they get bonus points to having you and coloring they didn't lose quite a lot of points for having Santa's mouth coming through his facial hair but hey let's not worry too much about that right let's see what beautiful images we can conjure up for this Yuletide there we are two dead animal in a sack and I don't know what's going on with these spider monsters and frankly I'm going to turn the page who else have we got weird workmen trials near tree holding Paddington Bear yeah yeah I proved that that was quite nice my god they Taylor from the wrong book or something monkey having some sort of migraine or existential crisis or has just been given really bad news whilst wearing an ill-fitting hat and rocks with its feet yeah always positive always good child holding massive slug which is being bitten by a long gated rat creature child impossibly not a child but some sort of creature with massive feet and all shoes okay horse with a Dennis Pitt sorry guys horse with broken back and eyeball coming out with bald man giant legs kicking it a crystal ball what the [ __ ] is going so I've got quite how bad this loss and let's end with terrifying child trapping father Christmas's severed head in a big spider web mMmmm no I'm gonna have to go football look just give us one that isn't weird that's all I'm asking for what what that was radio look look look just some got the Christmas chicken the skates on next to it because apparently wasn't weird enough oh oh okay there's our image to end on an angel crushing a bird to death won't covered in butt plugs fantastic well there we are that doesn't say Christmas and what does blow me right that's about as much Christmas as I can handle make sure you don't do anything bad or the elves will come and eat your face off Yuletide

Channel: ashens

Views: 434,988

Rating: 4.9212484 out of 5

Keywords: ashens christmas special, ashens xmas special, ashens christmas, ashens xmas, poundland, poundland special, poundland christmas, ashens poundland, ashens, review, funny, tree ornaments, christmas decorations, llama, elf mates, elves, elf on the shelf, christmas cards, santa, coloring book, colouring book

Id: 5YxBvlvbiZM

Length: 25min 1sec (1501 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 20 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/KOTYAR]

Yay!

Just what I needed to fall asleep

[u/theang]

It’s officially Christmas! Most important Christmas special - I look forward to it every year.

[u/Jinzodefiler]

A proper Norwich Christmas wallpaper. https://imgur.com/a/j6YkVDn

[u/[deleted]]

Elf on the Shelf is just a capitalist conspiracy to make children more used to a surveliance state

Change My Mind

[u/Annepackrat]

I’m American but I got the Ant and Dec joke. Do I win anything?

[u/BobbyBoomhauer]

Tf https://imgshare.io/images/2019/12/20/20191220_175541.jpg

[u/JDGumby]

Strange. Does Poundland not sell crappy little tinsel trees (as they do at Dollarama in Canada)? Would have been perfect to try and hang the ornaments on. :)

[u/cantab314]

Do you think you've got a big enough marker pen?

[u/TheAutisticFurry]

Damn, the Elf Mates are already creepy enough, but with ashens voicing them, it kind of dampens the creep factor in a way. Pretty weird thing for elves to say, but considering that they are possessed, it seems normal for them.