Ashens Christmas Special 2016

[Music] hello ho ho it's about this time of year I like to have a Christmas and you know what I'm going to do it again this year and that means we must look at crap that has been bought from the shops that is Christmas related do you see how that works that was an intro right first things first here's something from poundland to start us off because why the devil not this is quite a clever thing in its way you put a little tealight in it and it keeps your beverage warm look see tealight goes in the bottom there beverage goes in the top isn't that nice except for some reason somebody thought it' be a nice idea to put a burning candle in Santa's mouth he doesn't look that pleased about it I will be honest there is a kind of shrieking in agony thing going on and the eyes aren't great either but do you know the real tragedy here I haven't got any bloody teal lights I had this big box full of them I'm certain I did I've had them years looked in the cupboard not there anymore no idea what happened to them so instead I've had to cut down a candle you see that's the kind of meyerism we've got going on on this channel let's have this in the background as a kind of pretty Christmas decoration there we are Santa eat this candle and allow it to burn your brain out because well frankly you're probably pissed off of flying around giving everybody presents maybe this will be the sweet release of death that you've been searching for H where's the blow torch oh that'll do nicely right don't try this at home unless Santa has really really pissed you off is that actually burning yes it is we're going to call that a success there's a lot of frightening smoke coming out of it oh what a world well at least he can't say ho ho ho that shoved in his Gob anyway enough of this traditionalism we want branded goods and also crackers cuz it's Christmas so why the devil not eh well Star Wars is Big at the moment isn't it and by at the moment I'm in pretty much constantly since 1977 so we've got this uh poundland Christmas cracker from the mighty Star Wars there cracker contains stickers party hat and trivia question amazing so this was a pound for one bloody cracker I was expecting something quite amazing from it as a result but I've just read it contain stickers a party hat and a trivia question shely there should be at least like a crappy I don't know kylo Ren key ring or something my God Christmas ruined already you all right there Santa what your brain's on fire excellent right go on then let's get this out of the way bloody hell what a disappointment disappointment before I've even bloody opened it right he's a free bit of cardboard looks a bit like a TIE fighter oh look it's kylo Ren's shuttle that's more fun than gra out this cracker isn't it may the merry force be with you see Mary force be with let's try and get something positive out of this Rogue one was good wasn't it right um well the snap worked and inside we have yep how I mean you can how can you charge a pound just for this the hat is black okay that's got a bit of Darth Vader Sith Vibe got on that's something where can the Cantina Bar be found answer Moss eely yep that's that's the better than a cracker joke I suppose I'll give you that and some really crap stickers they're on uh oh they rip easily and they're on very rough paper you've got chewy look at sexy chewy looking over his shoulder there hey boys there's bb-8 Astromech droid the first order rule the Galaxy and kylo Ren's weird duck face and X-Wing Fighter great that was a pound a bloody pound you God heing me although if you do want something from poundland that's good actually for one pound and is Star Wars related you can get this two pack of bobles which you can put in your tree and it's got you know Luke and layer and the word Star Wars on it and stuff I've got say these are actually pretty good I mean going back like 10 years you'd have had to pay a fortune for something like this from a specialist catalog and now you can go in poundland and buy two for a pound and they'll look good on your tree and probably really piss off your girlfriend because you've replaced her favorite glass bubles with a plastic thing from poundland with Alec Guinness on but hey that's going to happen later in the week now time for some real Beauty a little bit of uh International Beauty in fact I was recently in the uh Barcelona Christmas markets and I brought back something which I think is probably the greatest Christmas ornament ever made in fact it may be the greatest ornament ever made full stop for any time of year I present to [Music] you yes it is a statue of Link having a [ __ ] so you probably want some kind of explanation hang on hang on listen there we are that was the channel hitting rock bottom no seriously this is not something I've had custom made by a lunatic so in order to explain this we need to know a a little tradition from Catalonia which is an area of of Spain in the Northeast this is a well a modern take on a traditional figure called the kager which sort of translates to crapper here is a more traditional version he's uh dressed as a classic Catalan farmer wearing the uh sort of uh tan vest and the red hat thing they had going on and yep he also is doing a poo so honestly this is Christmas related I'm not making this up right so the story is thatth in Catalonia they have this kind of tradition where when they have an advent set with you know the um baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph and the three wise men and all that they add the extra figure of the kaganer who's basically goes has a [ __ ] out the back of the stable and it's considered um yeah good luck and stuff like that and uh it's it's to do with you see the farmer is uh how can you put it politely um fertilizing the field and it's supposed to bring a good harvest and good luck and all that kind of thing so this is the traditional version of it you'll notice I bought a very small one cuz they're actually quite expensive um and though this was like4 and I prob like 12 for the others and I didn't really want a massive version of this not when I've got one based on Nintendo's favorite character oh oh my God so yeah um basically as time has gone on uh they have produced uh these statues for various different public figures it was originally considered uh to be something of an honor to have a figure made in your image having a [ __ ] but as time has gone on I'm not entirely sure it's considered quite that honorable anymore at least not in other parts of the world but they've even branched out into fictional characters and indeed here is link um yeah his hair is gold that's that's interesting isn't it nothing else to see here obviously and if you think this one's weird they've even jumped on the Minecraft bandwagon and you've got Steve I feel like they missed a trick here in two ways one uh they didn't draw a crack in his ass so it's all a bit weird and two surely the pile of [ __ ] should be sort of cubicle you see that would have made more sense I mean Cube shaped cubicle is uh where you go to work and come up with designs like this apparently also notice the crack where this got damaged in my suitcase on the way back but don't worry super glue fixed everything yep there we are that's uh Minecraft Steve having a [ __ ] I imagine uh people who run Minecraft gaming channels for years and years feel like this bit of gray floor at the moment but there we go why is his beard a different color to the rest of his hair that is confusing do you want to have a picture of just how many of these bloody things are made have a look at this then you've got all the obvious ones there like politicians and stuff and various different um jobs and also yeah various pop culture icons shall we say so there we are if if you want to buy one of these you can apparently order them online fantastically just go off there and yeah just basically regret you were ever born if you're wondering what they're made out of it's kind of a slightly Terra Coty sort of pottery thing and they're all sort of hand painted slightly roughly link having a [ __ ] everyone Jesus Christ on a tricycle right let's try and uh clean this image from our minds oh KS oi and have a look at some lovely coloring books from Christmas big big thank yous go out here to um you know I just had a thought thought do you think when link has a [ __ ] he farts out Sara song [Music] so that sounds like something I used to try and autotune but on the other hand I really don't think I need that in my [Music] life so yes massive thanks to Nathan on Twitter for spotting this at the very last minute because I had never thought to actually look at a jumbo Christmas coloring book from parland page after page of imaginative Christmas fun well it's not that imaginative just got some bleeding snowmen and kids on it haven't you but yeah there's a lot of pages page tastic and you open it up and it's all what you would sort of expect really let's zoom out a bit there we are there's some elves having a bit of a sing song There's a puppy in a big sock you know what more do you want at Christmas there's some more stuff in a big sock there's some kids and they're like going on this I was going to say they're going on the sleds one of them skiing actually is that the dad from Alfred and the Chipmunks Dave whatever his name was no idea and look at the back and yeah it's all similar stuff there's somebody throwing a snowball and Father Christmas in a big car looking a bit weird blah blah blah but the interesting thing is there's various different art styles and one of them appears to be from the sort of Love Child of heronimus Bosch and Salvador Dary who spent most of his life on meth I think they start around here do they where are we let's find a real beautyful yeah they're starting to get a bit weird things here there's this a good one so yeah apparently at Christmas time now you have a giraffe with an incredibly cced neck sort of eating the floor it looks like he's actually dragging the entire ground up into its mouth while this uh large hatted bird looks on in horror so that's a bit of a strange start you've got uh well sort of Jolly creature here slapping a bird always nice then I yeah see the problem here is that I could literally draw better than this myself I'm guessing that's a sheep a sort of sheep with an Elvis quiff and a really badly drawn thing with giant shoes and like a hat wearing flower I'm not not really understanding what's going on now there's a cow a sort of bearded cow with a learing elf over the top the cow looks like it's made out of um a sack full of [ __ ] frankly and there's some sort of ghost of a mouse coming up out of a bag that's that's spewing water is it peeing on a fire what what is going I remember these being slightly less weird than this when I was looking earlier right you've got well he's wearing his flood pants everything's coming up M house ah now we're now we're really talking what the blithering Smeg is that supposed to be somebody's got like a mutant sheep with with a melting face with you've got glasses on it that's not fitting the I don't know what's going on with the legs there what the I mean this duck has had its face smashed in presumably with this giant burning Kebab I wow it's the merry Christmas cactus everybody yay here with a a scarecrow with MC Hammer pants near a camel Merry Christmas ala right this now this this really is some bloody Garden of Earthly Delight stuff going on here right you've got you've got a balloon with a face on it being Sat On by some sort of gnome weirdo with giant shoes next to a rat with a melting face what So This Is Christmas and what have you done you've melted a rodent you really shouldn't have done right um yeah oh for God's sake look at that somebody with a giant head is being kissed by a badly drawn Mouse whil again what is this thing about giant boots that seems to be the uh I was going say that seems to be the motif I'm not bloody kidding look there's an elephant wearing them now and a sort of screeching child Elf on the back of it and there's a mouse because mice I don't know um oh my god oh Mighty right for starters that's the bloody Easter Bunny secondly what what oh man there's something genuinely unsettling about that although if you want genuinely unsettling the rabbit on this page appears to have its head coming off and look at its hand or pore or whatever what the bloody hell has happened there a bad accident with fire is the answer to that my they does seem to be fire in all these pictures in some manner or it's just really badly drawn grass or something I I think the artist was hoping all these things would burn well that bit looks vly normal let's just try and focus on that for a second shall we bridge to terab briia going on there um giant headed ostrich being ridden by what I can only presume is elf with giant shoes cuz that's face it that's been in every freaking picture and it's walking over a bit there we are that's my new channel mascot I've decided his name is lucky Jim and he's lucky because he'll be dead shortly and he won't have to look at himself in the mirror again again what is it with a giant pissing boots Christmas is not about giant boots and skates guys oh my oh right so it's like a sa a tiger I was to say Sabertooth but I don't think I think it's it's eating a giant bow tie which you know is very Christmasy tiger eating a bow tie must be Christmas there's some corn dogs on Long sticks and some sort of weird warbling thing with its um giving itself a paper cut with a plade of grass I was going to say this one looks more normal than most if you discount the fact he appears to have snapped his neck by attempting to turn his head 108° then I noticed the giant freaking boots what the [ __ ] is going right so Santa's in his space rocket with a propeller on the front either that or the world's most badly designed aircraft cuz it has no wings and he looks a bit surprised because a man with giant boots predictably has fallen out with a tiny egg-shaped parachute that's not perspective by the way that is actually how it looks bloody hell oh he's kissing a camel that's made everything better marvelous well done everybody um I right I don't know what he's doing the inflatable sheep there isn't that one of those things that Anakin Skywalker pissed around on in um attack of the CL I've just noticed his bindle or whatever it is has a face on it I well at least we couldn't see his giant boots oh and we've gone back to some slightly more normal pictures no we haven't here's Santa with a living sack with Nemo that frankly you shouldn't have bothered bloody finding as a topless Santa jumps into a water hole is that a is that a vagina what's get right that's enough of that well that's Christmas ruin for everybody I was going to say maybe I could put this in there and set it on fire but Santa appears to have actually gone out some time ago well there's only one thing left to say Merry Bloody [Music] Christmas

Channel: ashens

Views: 561,669

Keywords: ashens, christmas, xmas, special, poundland, christmas special, zelda, link, caganer, catalan, spain, spanish, steve, minecraft, star wars, tealight, coloring book, colouring book, review, funny, 2016, tat

Id: -SvYEaQRbk4

Length: 17min 55sec (1075 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 22 2016