Apollo 13 was WILD!

because it's just what it is i need to cool off yeah we need to cool off and i need to [ __ ] just cool so let's just cool off while we can't guys because i'm coming in too hot what's up i'm chris distefano aka chrissy d aka king gay you're listening to the bay ridge boys history hyenas [Music] [Music] hey everybody uh unfortunately i'm just gonna be honest with you you just missed what is gonna be available for our upper tier members in the patreon jesus had a different idea where that episode was going and chris and and by jesus i mean chrissy and he took it to a place that you're gonna have to pay for it here so now let's do an episode about apollo 13. let's do an episode about apollo 13 because we and we're calling the the segment that we just did for the 25s and ups called grease lightning because we can't call them kamikazes anymore which used to cause them because of course that's inappropriate even though japan wanted to wake up the sleeping giant and we have to just play pretend and forget that the asians aren't assaulting us what can you do um so you know it's just what it is i'll play the part i'm i'm a [ __ ] ally whatever i'm supposed to [ __ ] say okay it's just i don't [ __ ] know i can't play pretend for too much longer so the country's gonna have to open back up or you're gonna have to make a vaccine because it's really getting hard playing pretend like my [ __ ] daughter so you could catch chrissy and and oh young island six to the eight yeah august 68 new jersey stress factory go to christycomedy.com or historyianis.com august 6 to the 8th outdoor shows nobody's going to get the rona outdoor shows uh with vinnie brandt's stress factory so the only thing you have to deal with is vinnie brand the owner doing some time before but it's just what you have to do the guy owns a business but he's a horrific comic that we all just have to deal with we love it that's what you want to do you want to have the owner of the club do 45 minutes of jokes that only work in a three block radius a new brunswick and do crowd work and you know pick up a pay phone that doesn't work and then just follow that [ __ ] until three o'clock in the morning but who cares i mean his name's vinnie spells it you know he doesn't spell vinnie with a why you can't trust guys that end their names in an ie like that so yeah what can you do it's not you can't do nothing you do it's i don't care it's like you own the club it's just i got time i got to do the [ __ ] i i got no money coming in i'm gonna do the outdoor shows for the fans i love it but i want to deal with him doing 55 minutes of [ __ ] and then i'll come up and try to clean up the mess but it's you know i'll probably bomb but the truth is it doesn't matter then i'll go and [ __ ] get yelled at by the situation but whatever we'll just do it i'm happy with my life things are going good things are good we got to just keep all this in it's too much gold i apologize i know that we'll never work at the stress factor again who cares good that's a sign of a good career yeah the thing is that's a sign of a good career that we're i think we're clear of now because of you guys so yeah i mean you're doing good i mean i don't know if i'm ever going to go back to the stress factory but i'm happy to be going back and getting paid way less than i deserve but what can you do what can you do right now it doesn't matter apollo 13. i just fell asleep for 20 minutes and i i feel worse than i did before is that what happens when you get older you take a nap yeah i can't breathe out of my nose it's too hot in here i need more water something it's just yeah we're gonna get some water and we'll put in the ala mugs um yeah v we'll hand these off because yeah god forbid we don't want to show anybody you're yeah we don't want to show anybody v but listen apollo 13 okay it's a wild movie i'm sure you guys have saw in the movie apollo 13 with tom hanks who is a known pedophile and did get coronavirus so according to the internet so i mean by the way apollo 3 let me just [ __ ] tell you [ __ ] something right now apollo 13 we're going to do the episode about that and it's very interesting because we have started a new show on called conspiracy cuties and we will be doing a conspiracy episode that ties into apollo 13 and ties into how the nazis tied into apollo 13 and space travel so you're going to want to see that we're going to put that up soon but getting back to the movie tom hanks gary sinise bill paxton now who's dead gary sinise or bill paxton which is the one who died neither one of them are dead i think one of them's dead all of everyone's still alive i don't know where you got that absolutely cut never forget if there's one thing you gotta love it's a la never forget that he's the guy that keeps you protected you know from all you got to do that's the thing you ever find yourself in trouble with the woke dope mob with any you know big time lefties just say you love muslim people and they leave you alone that's just what it is that's a little truth right there so we got that they can say whatever they want but we got the i love a la mugs yeah and today's episode's about i love ihop omar shout out to you doing a great job you're doing a great [ __ ] job ihop omar um today's episode is about uh apollo 13. you can listen to this episode or you could just go [ __ ] watch the movie with tom hanks yeah it's what it is just it tells you everything you want to know about the [ __ ] no but it does a couple white guys went into space and they had some problems and they landed absolutely and yeah and if they would have had one person a color out there would have worked out better so it's really the problem that it's white it so that's what it is the three white astronauts going out into space was the reason why i failed so so way jong-jan could we get some weight or what should we do i don't know i don't know what we do i don't know what we have we've gone off we're still barely on track because we're kidding we're just joking we're just i mean i'm [ __ ] kidding around obviously i mean you know it's like if people don't think i'm an ally to your community i mean i love every [ __ ] group of people i mean i'm out there on the street sucking dicks to prove i'm an ally yeah you know what i mean i'm out there with the i love allah much to prove i'm an ally i mean i'm from children outside my race to prove i'm an ally i mean what do you want me to do it's like so what i [ __ ] push a couple chinese people into some garbage what do you want me to do yeah you can't it can't be good all the time yeah it can't be good even superman's got to take a [ __ ] nap once in a while and that's when a couple of chinese get back together no i love the chinese people i got [ __ ] crazy just kidding around i love chinese people i genuinely that's the thing with being from new york even though i know somebody on our patreon hates when you say this the truth is being from new york it's very very hard to be actually racist you can make racist jokes but to truly hate someone because they don't look like me it's like it's impossible in new york city yeah and i'm just kind of tired i'm just kind of sick of [ __ ] i'm just kind of sick of talking and thinking about it's like you know most people are just fine most people just normal people and we're just living our lives it's like what do you want me to tell you chicken cheese steak wrap and i got the itis so yeah how can i be a racist with the itis and it's what it is and it's just like one of those things where am i do i make a good point yeah it's like somebody somebody it's like people just want to people just want to talk [ __ ] on my instagram the other day i posted a picture of me with a filter what i would look like as a woman and some people were saying they cracked me open i appreciate that but some college 22 year old girl was like really great job making fun of trans people with this picture like i'm not making fun of trans people okay i'm saying that's what i'd look like if i was trans and guess what the trans community accepted it it's only people who are actually afraid of these others are the ones who will comment on the pictures saying that i'm the one making mistake because you're actually the one who's racist and transphobic and all those problems i'm not so that's why i just tuck it back and then i post pictures of myself wearing gay as [ __ ] t-shirts holding eye i love a la mugs because guess what i love everybody i'm not scared of anybody because i just think i don't care what you look like on the outside i judge a book by what's on the inside you heard you don't judge a book by its cover and that has stuck with me since my sixth grade teacher sister o'mary told me do not judge a book by its cover so guess what i don't i see human beings and i say we're all red on the inside we all we're all bleeding we got bleeding red hearts i have a bleeding red white and blue heart but even if you don't have a bleeding red white and blue heart i still love and respect you okay yeah and if you come to bay ridge and you see people walking around masks there's about a 77 chance that mask has an american flag on it it's what it is you in bay ridge you're going to see two type you're going to see american flag mask and you're going to see new york yankees mass that's just what it is okay and then williamsburg you'll see mass with fists on them or they'll just be one color to support that and that's fine too but just knowing bay ridge you're just gonna see some different kinds of masks that's what it is apollo 13 happened in 1970 guys wow here's the thing what i want to tell you about here's what i want to talk to you about okay the last i think you just talked to me about all the things you wanted to talk to me about what did it sounds like you've been holding a lot in your cooped up chrissy and you just let it you just went all the way fully charged i'm fully charged i'm an fcf a fully charged so it's what it is okay so and and but the interesting thing about the apollo 13 mission and all apollo missions is the first time we go to the moon is 1969 the last time you go was 1971 if you would have told my 16 year old mother at the time in 1971 that hey babe in 2020 you're you're not gonna have one to the moon again in that span she would have been like you're crazy she would think that there'd already be a [ __ ] carvel on the moon by 2020 and we haven't went back as a matter of fact we're probably going to go to mars within the next five years and bypass the moon i guess the the public felt after the the reason why apollo 13 is so important is because it almost killed everybody it it spooked richard nixon just to fund them to fund nasa and it spooked the rest of the world to be like why do we want to go there in the first place so if apollo 13 never happened um thank god the astronauts came back alive we probably would be colonizing the moon by now maybe we would have but i don't know if you could really colonize the moon and live on the moon or you know because it's so do whatever we want we could do whatever we want because call me christy the astronaut didn't people used to make memes and call me an astronaut yeah i can't remember why i do remember because you were out there or reality's a suggestion kind of thing or we don't remember i don't [ __ ] it was i remember you floating around i think i said something about how you're floating around or something yeah and they threw you in an astronaut uniform i mean you've had 177 nicknames it's what it is i don't think you even remember which one you are i mean sometimes they all come out i mean it's what it is because it's what it is it's [ __ ] what it is what did we say before your kid who likes to stick and move i like to stick and move i don't like to be in a place too long i like to come in and come out so you had a great suggestion because i want to buy a house in the country but you said to get used to the country i should at least airbnb a spot for a month yeah because i think you in the country uh you should i don't know if it's going to work yeah because you're a kid who needs to be close to a bag of bagels yeah i'm kidding the two things that i need the most is i need tortellinis i need toilets i need four bedrooms for my family and one bathtub for the out expert for the out member of my family and i need shed space because i need shed space because there's a member of my family likes to do things in the shed so i need extra shed space yeah it's a lot of stuff i mean we're getting the poor kid just got the mixer so he wouldn't have to edit and now we're making him edit yeah so really [ __ ] funny yeah i mean for the first time we got the kid the [ __ ] mixer yeah so he's sitting there he's [ __ ] edited while we're going and we go no babe guess what here's the thing we're gonna make you go back and edit [ __ ] out here's the yeah here's welcome to the history hyenas babe here's the thing is you got two options if you work for us you can either do the work and do what we tell you or you could [ __ ] call us privately and complain and then you get fired by mrs distefano because she's the head of hr she's the head of trump and my business is definitely you'll do it but you'll do it you got coached by your mom i got a coach from you you got coached by your mom on how to fire somebody guys make no mistake my mother's been an hr manager for 35 years she's the sweetest woman sweetest reese's pieces but when she taught me how to fire someone when we had to fire an employee of the show she did it swift and hard and it hurt my feelings i felt like she fired me as her son which she's wanted to do a few times with some of the decisions i've made that is what you call for sure now you make cuz it's just what it is i need to cool off yeah we need to cool off and i need to [ __ ] just cool so let's just cool off while we can guys because i'm coming in too hot so we needed to cool myself off and i may have just ruined the four hundred dollar west elm shirt four hundred dollars that thing's [ __ ] a thousand dollars that's a thousand dollars it probably couldn't get wet but because if it could survive one of my [ __ ] chrissy well farts it could survive a little h2o yeah i mean we are [ __ ] cuz we're out to space this episode and it is a nice thing yeah we're out in space and it feels good to be out here because cuz i just listened to be in the vacuum because would you go to space the truth of the situation is i would not go to space because i'm scared of heights now if you if they said you had to go to space and you had to go with uh the weather girl the situation whichever one it is oh the weather girl we don't have to prove the situation you've said that you said the situation i didn't mean to say that so we will just we'll edit that out we'll put puerto rican flags over my mouth for this yeah we'll do all that yeah because i can't have her hearing that you cannot hear her is she listening who the [ __ ] of your family is doing reconnaissance against us i'm not worried about the russians i'm worried about what family memory yours yeah i don't know if she's listening but i could go to the local bank of popularity if there's some 10 charges then i'd know so but you bring up an interesting point yeah after they only went what was it there was an apollo 11 was the first one right then there was the 12 and then there was the 13. so we yeah because there was three missions that went to the moon we started throwing people into space around 1957 [ __ ] catapulted them up we catapulted up there they [ __ ] made it onto the list we threw them up into space the first man ever in orbit was a [ __ ] russian dirty cosmonaut um and he went up his name was yuri gagarin um and that was april 12 1961. so from 1961 to 1971 is when we did some heavy lifting with space because we were trying to beat the russians but they kind of beat us yeah well this was the beginning of the cold world war right after world war ii uh when we beat defeated germany the united states of russia knew hey we're going to be competing we're going to be hating each other so they both started competing for nazi scientists right because they didn't give a [ __ ] about what the politics were they just needed some minds to help people catapult people into well here's because we know we needed the rocket technology to fight each other yes and the rockets were being used to put people on the moon so it's really just a race to the moon which they did nothing and nobody really benefited because if you go to the moon and you just stand up there nothing happens nobody cares i mean if you're just orbiting even getting to mars it's like what's the point there's no you have to make life there life doesn't exist for us there but but that's the interesting thing that we're going to talk about on conspiracy cuties uh after the show is the v2 rocket which was designed by the nazis was the first object that humans ever broke through the atmosphere and put into space and the man who pressed that button who pressed the actual button to press launch for the veto article in space was a little guy by the name of adolf hitler who's deshawn jackson's favorite person from history which it is could we just let's just put the ac on and can we just deal with it it's way too [ __ ] hot is it too hot well i cooled up i mean because you could just put a little a lot of water on there and get baptized in the face because you got it did gary sinise or bill paxton die one of them died from apollo 13 in real life we've got to find out who it is none of them is dead you know what's funny is that when these guys were in their capsule trying to make it home it was so cold it was like living in a refrigerator for days right it's just a little hot in here and i can't handle it that's how much of a [ __ ] we've become cuz make no mistake i would love love love love love to been on apollo 13 when it got real cold in there because i'm a kid i love the cold and i hate the heat i die a little bit in the heat but you couldn't do it was it was so cold it was like living in a refrigerator the problem is for me in space is i couldn't go if if i would go into space if and only if throughout one of the mirrors i could always see earth in the distance and it was always pointed right at new york city and if i had some black and white cookies up there i could do it that's the only way you could do it yeah so there's a couple white guys that went up there they had different names what were their names so okay so jim lovell was who was played by tom hanks he was 42 years old 42 years old at the time of space fight i believe he is still alive today then we had fred hayes who was the lunar module pilot and he was 35 years old the exact age is chrissy chaos so this kid was 35 years old going to space and i'm 35 years old doing a podcast from the fourth floor of an apartment in bay ridge cause what are we doing there's a little bit of a difference what are we going to do for our birthdays this year because you want to go to [ __ ] space the last four years for my birthday i've done one one of two things either went to the renaissance fair or medieval times so now unfortunately because i can't do either one of those things what i'd like to do for my birthday party with you is i like to come up to your house because you got a lot more property and then we'll get some bricks of pizza chip from from from from new york and maybe we'll just go back in time on youtube maybe we'll go we'll go back to like ancient egypt ancient greece on a youtube tour and they'll make it all like cgi [ __ ] and we'll do that that's a good idea yeah that's a real good idea the thing that was so tragic about this mission was these kids really wanted to put their feet on the moon and they never got a chance to actually put their feet on the moon they had to circle around and they used the orbit of the moon to propel them back because these guys almost died but they didn't because they were american they were american kids and the third person on the apollo mission uh was jack swigert and the interesting thing about jack swigart who was played by uh i think he was he was played by kevin bacon kevin bacon uh was the guy who played jack swigger and what's very interesting about him is the guy who was supposed to be there ken mattingly no relation to donny baseball he was supposed to do it but he got the german measles so if you ask and because he got a case of the measles he couldn't go into space so at the last moment jack swiger had to go and he's the one that [ __ ] up and pressed the button um that caused an issue but the issue but ken mattingly if you ask me i think ken manning purposely got the measles because the kid was scared of heights and didn't want to go up into space if you got the last name mattingly it just sounds like you're in good hands whether that person be at first base behind the wheel of an airplane or an astronaut ken mattingly sounds like a guy who's well skilled in what his job is yeah so ken madeline gets the measles and can't go and he was pissed off at first that he couldn't go because i mean the kid wanted to go to the moon but after he saw the drama unfolding he was like i'm happy to have two feet on mother earth and just be drinking a brew trying to make believe i'm trying to figure out how to get these [ __ ] home i'm just happy i'm not in that goddamn capsule with tom hanks i mean talk about the blessing of german measles and the timing of that yeah how did tom hanks get [ __ ] how did tom hanks get involved in pizzagate from space he did it that's what people say tom hanks is a pedophile the internet's wild it is a wild thing we're on the internet and we're wild that's why because we're wild we're [ __ ] untapped so who do we have we had fred hayes jack swigart who replaced ken maddox and who was the other f jack john lovell john level so he had three level three shauna jim's the same name just like karen and barbara nobody cares you're a [ __ ] dumb white piece of [ __ ] with a stupid haircut yeah nobody cares about you make no mistake we're never going to send another white guy into space yeah cause it's racist the only thing that you could say about these three is that they were fully charged white guy these guys were fully really white guys fully charged [ __ ] white guys and it's just one of those things where we're living in a time now where you know we're gonna bypass the moon people gave up on the moon apollo 13 kind of caused people to want to give up on the moon we haven't been back to the moon since 1971 there's no plans to instead elon musk is going to take us to mars instead which i don't see a point in that either because it's like you can't live on mars surface either you have to make all this artificial stuff [ __ ] go to arizona and if you want it to be hot just go there that's what it is guys just what it is it's like plenty of room in arizona we don't need to go to mars yet yeah just [ __ ] go elon musk just forget about space just go on joe rogan build more teslas nobody cares nobody cares yeah now here's the thing apollo 13 when it was launching everyone was excited about apollo 11 one one small step for man one big giant leap for mankind a lot of people don't even think it happened a lot of people think they faked it because the russians got there first so they just wanted to show a couple months later hey we did it too because they were scared of the russians but people cared at least about april 11th nobody cared about apollo 13. nobody was watching it the newscasters weren't broadcasting it they were doing other stuff nobody even know it went off really nobody cared nobody even cared they were the beat the news was covering the beatles breaking up they were covering what happened that's a big thing so the day before they launched the beatles had broken up and that was the big front-page news if the beatles wouldn't have broken up maybe apollo 13 would have gotten more news yeah you know i mean yoko ono caused a ripple effect throughout history that can't be quantified really yeah because she broke up she bro she was just she broke up the i was about to call of the beatles yeah but a different type of situation type of situation we got to cut all that out no we could just put it just any time we say just put the puerto rico yeah but make sure they can't read the lips because she does have uh lip reading software technology she's done it to me from afar yeah so it's what it is so so nobody was covering this thing at all 55 hours into the mission so they get off into space by the way there was a little kind of ominous [ __ ] going on it's almost like nasa wanted this to [ __ ] up because they launched the mission on i believe it was april 13th right v it but with the time was was 13 13 so 113 13 in military time at 1313 apollo 13 launched oh it's april 11. sorry launched so it was all these 13ths which 13 is an unlucky number for some [ __ ] reason i don't know why 13 is an unlucky number but it is yeah just if you want to know if mankind is rational reasonable there are no 13th floors in any apartment buildings it goes from the 12th to the 14th which is wild all buildings the building has a 13th floor nobody does no nobody the newest 13th row on planes there's no 13th uh floor uh in apartment buildings and so nasa was going like hey look man apollo 13. it shouldn't be 13 because [ __ ] the 13th amendment right yeah no wait what's the 13th amendment is the 30th amendment the one that freed the slaves what's the thirteenth yeah that's positive way what's the thirteenth amendment it's a good way is there you remember who's good oh oh neither slavery nor oh thirteenth amendment that's why that's what i meant to say the third we should have 13 we should have 13 on elevators could celebrate the 13th amendment to the united states which got rid of slavery so i think we should bring 13 backs on elevators because [ __ ] your superstition about black cats let's support black people by putting the number 13 on elevators and number 13 everywhere to celebrate 13th member to the united states even though it's still going on today yeah this is an easy way to remember um the 13th amendment just remember yeah just remember i've been fully charged today because it doesn't matter yeah just remember just remember 13 bad that's why there's no floors or no rows and airplanes and 13th good the 13th amendment amendment slavery so that there's that yeah so the ying and the yank so everyone was superstitious the the but but nasa was made thought it was funny and said hey we're scientists we don't believe in that [ __ ] so i just they were trolling trolling the idea of it being unlucky by launching at 1313. an apollo they did it on purpose and apollo 13 made when they when they realized that they had a had a major issue the famous houston we have a problem which was actually houston we've had a problem but the movie made it famous and everyone ran with houston we have a problem um was was that was rare famous and that's and and i did a similar thing when i was in houston i texted you honest i said uh giannis houston i just blew a guy little guy in houston that's right that is a call back from a long time ago if you just started listening to podcasts i blew a guy in houston it's what it is i blacked out a little bit and sometimes you're just going to catch one of the uv low when you're down south yeah just get over it go back and start listening to read the shirt yeah there it is so yeah so this so the exact fred hayes who was 35 years old played by uh gary sinise said okay houston which is which is he's alive they're all live by the way okay nobody none of them are dead nobody's dead who's dead bill pax we still haven't seen venetia's teeth in a week in a month because she's got the mask on because she is wanted by the fbi yeah swinger died at 51. yeah but now i'm talking about the actors just died i think bill paxton is dead google bill paxton and gary sinise see if they're alive or dead those guys are all [ __ ] alive i'm telling you they're not okay but here we go so at first they thought they got hit by a meteor but that's not what happened they didn't get hit by a meteor but make no mistake in 2020 that would be nice right now to just take a meteor to the face it would be nice if there was a meteor that came and on the side god had engraved it no livestream no paxton dead february 25th 2017. kid had a [ __ ] heart attack unfortunately paxton is [ __ ] dead paxton died yeah and it's sad because he's a great freaking actor the kid bill patrick's 61 years old the kid [ __ ] died what can you do with great and true lies hilarious part and true lives which by the way we we do owe the patreon members the true lies video that is coming shortly um so yeah so apollo 13 what happened was what the what pretty much the there's a lot of technical mumbo jumbo that not even we understand but we are the wikipedia [ __ ] and we did figure it out what happened was is somebody when they were testing the ship two weeks earlier from the launch they had accidentally fried one of the cables that controls the oxygen not the oxygen of the uh astronauts were breathing the oxygen that and somehow in space they use chemical reactions and they make oxygen and nitrogen to make water and to fuel the ship and to power the ship in space when when uh one of the astronauts hit the button to power that down it caused a spark because one of the wires was [ __ ] up and it caused a fire and it blew the heat panel right off the side of the uh uh ship into space and caused an issue and then they went down to almost zero oxygen in the cabin and they had to do the entire mission in the lunar module which was designed for two people to land on the moon instead they had to use that to get home so 55 hours into the space mission they realize we are not going to the moon we now have to go home and whip around the moon and stay in the lunar module which is designed for two people but have three people in there and then and then uh try to get back home now cuz if that was me you and a third person thank you mike bicky mike what would be our options here would you guys a would we all just try to make it work on the three of us and try to not breathe as much as we can and just try to stay in the lunar module and make all three of us go home or would you be kill me and live off my butt for five days when we ran out of food because it froze because we had to turn off the heat inside the lunar module to conserve energy i think we would kill you and live off your butt what i cuz there's another option here is i'm pretty confident i could let you guys eat off my butt like a buffet and also stay alive so i got you got it there's enough there there's another have plenty of butler if i just said listen guys just fry up my right butt cheek a little bit the one that has a skin tag on it yeah you could be okay do you got a skincare skin tag on my ass cheek cause your buttons are milky white now i got milky [ __ ] white buns baby yeah it's yeah i just got a body that falls apart as soon as from the neck down yeah so what can you do because these guys were up there with less technology than we have in an iphone right now is that is that actually the truth yeah that's yes he's saying their computers we're not as strong as our iphones right now so the guy had to write down a whole bunch uh one of the astronauts wrote down a whole bunch of calculations to transfer from one computer to another when they went into the other [ __ ] module and they used they they these guys did not panic this is the panic they really made it happen they just [ __ ] and they decided to use the gravitational pull of the orbit from the moon the moon to set them back on course right and also [ __ ] command center uh when they needed to figure out how to re-engineer something to produce more oxygen the engineers at the control center at the command center figured it out told them what to do and they built it on the fly in space while they were cold and they had fama right they had their actual thing because there was bags of piss flying around everybody couldn't get rid of their piss did you know that yeah they could because if they put the piss out it would change their orbit so the piss bags were just floating all around just flowing bags of piss and they had to figure out literally how to get a circular tube inside a square hole so to try to fit a square inside of a circle which is what my life is that's basically a really good analogy yes they basically have to just chrissy did it you are a kid who just sits there at the square and i just bang it which is what they were scared of they thought they were going to hit the surface of the atmosphere of the earth and bounce out but tom hanks saved the day truth is cozy i'm a kid who's shaped like a circle but i love the square slice you do like a square i'm in the mood for a [ __ ] slice you want a zucchini slice i want to order it right now that's order with zucchini pie with no bacon i'm vegan again yeah let's get a [ __ ] can we order a pie zucchini no better team say no because we're too fat why not yeah we're too fat now ben t said we're too fat with your eyes you four-eyed [ __ ] no i wanna i want pizza i want [ __ ] pizza johnny i also can't breathe i'm having trouble breathing i may have the rona you may have verona what can you do i mean johnny's in a race i mean it's crazy cause it's like the the truth is the situation i wanna let's place bets right now who's gonna gain more weight in the pregnancy yanni or his wife i think i already have i mean this is not a flattering angle for me on this podcast because but you know what you got a [ __ ] nice [ __ ] i do have a really handsome piece you got a handstand dude my piece is really really handy my piece has got some battle scars but it's in good shape right now all right so here's the here's the the thing is the thing is you know with the if you want [ __ ] issues then the apollo 13 mission is for you okay the apollo 13 has got some issues it's got some things to figure out it's known to most as the chrissy d mission because it's got some things to figure out it's got some things to figure out it went with good intentions and it just it didn't work out the way that the astronauts planned so let me tell you the issues here so the first issue we explained to you is they're running in oxygen so they solve that problem by going into the lunar module which has its own oxygen supply the next issue carbon dioxide but the lunar module it bears it bears emphasizing the lunar module was only designed to be lived in on the moon on the moon and only designed for two people we have three yeah so they just tell me to sit up because i look too [ __ ] fat yeah the thing is what we're going to do is play a little game jacked in the arms we're going to crop out we're gonna you've got sweat everywhere in water all over what are my tits it's a wet t-shirt contest because the history hyenas we're [ __ ] hyenas we're back here's what we're gonna do is we're gonna crop out a picture of yanny laying like that we're gonna crop out a picture of his stomach and then we're gonna ask mrs pop supposed to picture her stomach and we're gonna have to guess who's who it's what it is who's pranky you're a hairy guy and i like that bubbas and there's three things that three things only i like to put in my mouth and that's fingers toes and balls and i like to just get those things i don't like when there's a lot of hair on them so what manscaped has done now is they've created the shears 2.0 nail kit it shaves your balls your fingers and your toes yeah i mean i'm a kid who used to be hairy because i use this listen it's quarantine time you can't get out to the salon so this is an especially good time to get yourself a kit at home to groom yourself down nails hair body family fumari listen if you're a guy out there or a woman who's from greece you need the shears nail 2.0 kick because you're hairy hairy people yeah you get it it's got uh the shears 2.0 is a luxury four-piece nail kit featuring tempered stainless steel tools and it includes slash tip tweezers rounded pointed scissors fingernail clippers and a medium grit nail file because you get to really groom yourself down be a man do it yourself that's what men do pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and [ __ ] trim those nails because i got wild ball hairs that come up off my testicles so i can use i can use things in the in the 2.0 kit my toes especially my hammer toes even though they grow over each other they do have bits of hair and there are been times where i don't want to put sandals on because my hammer toe is a little hairy and now i can use the shears 2.0 nail kit and shave my toes yeah thank god now there's a kit that's designed for men to groom women they have so many things that they can groom themselves with the thing about manscapes is they understand men are simple they want it all in one and they want you to tell you exactly how to use this stuff so boom there it is fix your nails fix your balls fix your life fumes the good news for you is you're gonna be able to shave your finger when you do find your weather ring it's going to be a smooth ride onto it because right now it's a little hairy and all you got to do all you got to do if you want to get the shears 2.0 nail kit is go to manscape.com and use the promo code hyenas h-y-e-n-a-s and you will get 20 percent off by using that code plus free shipping so it's a guarantee you need to do it for summer you got to have no formatting so so it's what it is um so the next issue they had after the issue we just mentioned was carbon dioxide was now building up in the spacecraft and they needed lithium hydroxide canisters to filter carbon dioxide you cannot breathe in so much carbon dioxide you get poison you get light-headed you pass out and black out and that's as tim dillon would say not good fast out in space not good that's how people actually kill themselves in their garage yeah they turn on their car and then the carbon monoxide kills that's good to know yeah is that carbon dioxide you said that's carbon dioxide but what happens is oh i'm saying carbon monoxide but it also gets the same thing yeah you're the doc is what am i saying you're a doctor let me know if i'm right or wrong yeah carbon dioxide yeah it's the same problem you're gonna the same issues carbon dioxide levels will go up so high that it turns gaseous and turns into monoxide so they had the carbon dioxide filters but the problem was they had square pegs and not the round ones they needed to filter the carbon dioxide out so that's where they came up with the on the ground and nasa on the ground came up with the they just used duct tape and parts they had in the ship to basically make a square peg fit into a circle hall yeah and they did that and then they relayed the message through space to the ship told them how to build it they built it and it was able to continue to save their lives just one of the many things that had to go right in order for these white boys to make it back to the states thank god they did yeah so so it's what it is thank god they did as soon as they finally landed in that module after 55 plus hours of space knowing that they were gonna die as soon as they got out they [ __ ] got down on one knee and kneeled for that national anthem yeah they did and they got back down and they just put on some probably some jimmy buffett yeah had an apple pie yeah and just sang sweet caroline because they were just three white boys it's what it is they only made it back to space they only made it back from space alive because they're white privilege so what can you do yeah yeah so um the white privilege helped them in this absolutely yeah they didn't have to deal with a lot of things and they were able to figure out we do recognize that they do recognize what's the problem yeah the next next issue after that after they fill figured out the lunar module oxygen issue then they figured out the carbon dioxide issue then they needed a new course of correction because the angle they were coming in at from the moon they were going to skip off earth's atmosphere so as i understand it it was like a rock skipping off the water if they didn't hit it at this exact right angle it wouldn't penetrate they would penetrate because like when you're trying to get into the trying to get into the vagina you slip and hit the belly button and you slip and hit the belly button and slip and hit the butt which i've done a few times because i got a little dick the girl doesn't know the difference yeah so it's just and they would penetrate off and skip off into space which is also not good so they had to get this at the exact right angle and as jani was saying at the time they didn't have the technology and especially in that exact spacecraft they didn't have the technology to be able to have the eyes of on the ground helping them they had to eyeball this [ __ ] themselves were they actually looking out the window and trying to guesstimate the exact right angle looking at planet earth on what to do yeah and that's a real dramatic part of the movie too they're trying to figure out that's the time they had to do that by hand to figure it out and they got it they figured it out despite the fact that it was there was no diversity in the cockpit yeah there's no they still were able to custom tom hanks always finds himself in his situation he does i mean some movies he's in outer space he can't get back that's some movies he's on an island by himself and then some movies he's dying of aids yeah but you know he's always got a situation tom hanks is the guy tom hanks situation movies other movies he's got corona i mean the kid is always in something the kid's always his wife is greek yeah the kid's always in a situation but he's tom hanks he always finds a way out of it and then what happened is they waited for the exact right moment we were told that they had eight second window to fire off and shut down their engines in the inside the lunar module they had this tight tight window at the exact right moment so they fired it down so that the gravitational pull would take them into the atmosphere and they would be able to land safely on earth and they they did it and they landed in the south pacific sea in some in what some people would call enemy territory yeah and um they had to do a lot of things that they practiced in simulations and never thought they would ever have to do and they did it and they did it well it's like charles sully when charles sully was able to land the plane after the after the geese hit it these guys are like the charles sullies but they did it from space which is wild i mean what these guys did and the coordination the communication between command center and them and how they were able to really uh guide them back in and that they and that they lived is just a testament to america when america was great yeah we're not anymore we're not anymore because and the truth is we didn't have the help of the russians at this time because russia and the united states despite the cold war were putting their heads together to try to kind of get into space and loaning each other's technology but after sorry jfk after jfk was assassinated the russians backed away and weren't helping the united states at all as a matter of fact now the we don't have a space shuttle the americans do not have a space shuttle the only way for american astronauts to get into space is to do it from russia yeah russia is the only only vehicle to get to space right now they do it i believe in kazakhstan yeah we just the the public opinion on going up to the moon really turned after this going hey guys what are we paying all these tax dollars for to send these boys up there to risk this for what so you can get a dirt sample you get it it's a [ __ ] satellite it's a rock and it gives us it gives us a little light during the night time to kiss people on the lips yeah that's all we need that's all we're going to do and even going to mars it's made out of cheese we get it yeah it's even going to mars it's like [ __ ] come on dude it's like we're going so i don't even care it's a red planet we get it i don't care yeah i don't care just yeah you know just as long as the police aren't getting money so it's [Music] that's the most important part about the whole thing as long as the cops get nada then we're [ __ ] good to go yeah so we could go to mars but um so the men were freezing they were sleep deprived and they were dehydrated everybody was covered in like these droplets of water from the condensation um they had no condensation also was a problem because uh if it got behind the control panel the ship wouldn't power up again but it did because jesus was behind the wheel jesus was behind the wheel and make no mistake mrs decephanol was saying a lot of prayers for them and they made it also the other thing is they had no heat shield the heat shield had blown off so nasa knew down on the ground in houston they were really they had almost 100 certainty that they would burn in space but they didn't want to tell them that because they just in case there was a one percent chance that they wouldn't burn alive they wanted to take it and guess what they didn't [ __ ] burn a lot these guys stayed calm and when you hear interviews with them after the fact excuse me which you can watch that's what they said they didn't never thought about the option of death they never considered it they never talked thought about their families to each other they may have done it privately but they really really got hyper focused and that's why you send the best and the brightest up there because these boys were highly trained right highly brave right and they they roast the occasion and handle the call they handle and that's like the professionals that you want them to become like there's been times where i've called lukash my daughter's godfather who's an er doctor like you know one time you know uh one time uh the weather girl burned her feet with boiling hot water one time delilah swallowed a [ __ ] rat poison pill she dropped a bowl of tortellini on her feet hot burning she was lifting them and then one fell and she won fellaini yeah she was doing a workout with boiling hot water and one of them fell on her feet um and and and uh and he was so calm on the other on the phone he's like it's okay here's what you're going to do this this and this and then i was like you have to go to emergency she might but it's okay where i was [ __ ] freaked out yeah so like these guys like you know doctors and pilots and astronauts they all know they all know how to just remain calm because if you i think we know how to do to remain common is to tell jokes on stage where a couple of ffs that's the only way we can stay common say hey don't worry about it i'll be able to go up on the stage and talk to these people and make them giggle yeah and that's it that's kind of a silly little skill that nobody cares about yeah that's kind of it so these kids made it back they were rescued by these three cute kids no yeah with [ __ ] strong jawlines strong i mean those kids from the 70s had struck venatia take a peek at three those three hotties and tell me if they weren't from jamaica if you wouldn't marry them yeah no seriously those vanities make no mistake would have jumped off the uss iwo jima which is the vehicle that picked them up from the south china sea and punched mike in the face she would have punched mike in the face and she would have gotten them out of that capsule and the first question would have been are you greek 100 yeah i mean are those three cute kids right there yeah i like it can we throw that up somewhere like the kid look at these kids they're right where can we put them they put them in a post yeah put it in post they're three strong jawline looking kids like anything else in life everything's always attached to the greek the logo for the apollo 13 mission insignia depicted the greek god of the sun apollo with three horses pulling his chariot across the face of the moon and the earth seen in the distance it was meant to symbolize the apollo flights bringing the light of knowledge to all people the mission model x luna scientia yeah so they finally made it back their wives were happy um who knows do you think the 13 jinx this if the 13 might have drinks when did the 13 being a jinx when did that start yeah i don't know which person started that why did it start why are we all scared of 13 i don't know but if you sit in the 13th row if they had it you would you don't care i don't care i'm very much a science guy because i just go i do know that when these apology was in 1971 so when these apollo 13 astronauts came back if their wife gave them any lip they would have gotten one to the face immediately so that's just what unfortunately that's the america that women had to live in back then is the women would get disciplined if they gave any lip and it's just not how we live anymore so it's just the truth it's not how we live and now that's why we have chaos yeah that's why because like it's just it's listen one of the astronauts i can't remember which one of the three uh when asked what he said to his wife when he returned he actually did say you can't live without me which is hilarious that's hilarious yeah it's just what it is that's back when [ __ ] men were men then yeah and he's he was right you can't live without me because you can't lift boxes on your own you weaker human jesus yeah yeah well yeah [ __ ] jax it was jim lovell yeah it was gym level he told his wife about me you can't live without me and he probably said broad at the end it was 1970s like you can't live without me broad i mean jack lovell is still alive i don't know why we don't have him on the zoom right now yeah we should get him on the zoom after two months of a report they found out what the problem was and it was all indications are that an electrically initiated fire and oxygen tank number two and the service module was the cause of an accident along with not having a person of color in the cockpit that and or you can we do know it was probably george soros had something to do absolutely it was it was it was either antifa or george soros or something hillary clinton did kill one of the pilots right before they entered the lunar module there's no question it had something to do with it so it's what can you do it's just the truth of the situation is this is reality is a suggestion and uh apollo 13 if you really want to get the full story in the right context and just go watch the movie but can you yeah can you believe that imagine like these guys were men man and like imagine like me and you on the road somewhere and we ran out of gas yeah or like we were going to get close to running out of gas we probably wouldn't even make it to a gas station yeah without calling uh roto-rooter yeah cause the thing the only reason why let alone getting back from around the moon to home because the only reason why i truly couldn't go into space is because if you don't give me an option to call my mother and ask her what to do i can't do anything yeah so i wouldn't have to answer you call your mom and you ask her what to do and then she tells you and you do the complete opposite yeah it's just what it is it's just what happened yeah i just say ma you're making really good sense but i live life in what's known as the fast lane so give me a black and white fully charge me and get me out there to somebody's [ __ ] yeah cause if your life was a highway it would be the german autobot i'd be the autobahn there is no speed limit you can only go too slow you can never too fast you can't go too slow because you sold your apartment you lived there for 13 minutes i sold my apartment to a chinese national it's what it is they offer straight cash because the government is subsidizing uh citizens of china to buy real estate in new york and not occupy it and i was against it but then when they came in with 10 g's over the asking price in full cash money i said i'm gonna take it absolutely [Laughter] wei zhongzhen there you go it's what it is i mean i mean binky mike the poor kid i mean we just got the mixer and he figured he'd be able to have this episode ready right after we're finished but to no avail chrissy came out firing it firing cuz and mike instead i've never stuck i've never done a podcast 13 seconds after i up from a nap mikey instead of instead of putting the chinese flag over the rant i just did just put all you know make sure you block out my mouth so they can't read my lips but just put an egg do that yeah and then just you gotta do it [Laughter] yikes that one you got a [ __ ] that one you have to just [ __ ] you might have to fade to black on that one or fade to white whatever it is i don't want to be negative full edit on that as well we need a full edit sorry we what this is just once in a while chrissy goes absolutely berserk yeah you're going to have to do some edits that one has to be edited i mean james madder and his text me it's like bubba's come on you got to stop giving him more things to edit sorry we got to take we got to take let's say yeah so let's get to our patreon members thanks for listening okay yeah don't forget i'm going to be august 6th to the 8th at the uh new brunswick stress factory new brunswick new jersey go get tickets christy comedy.com august 6th i will have mike schwarz opening for me uh and august 7th and 8th vinnie brand the owner of the club we'll be doing some time so just you know yeah we just have to deal with that there's just something you got to deal with where it's just you know what can you do what can you do all right let's get to some patreon names as always uh yeah patreon.com we encourage you to join up join the major patreon.com bay ridge boys sorry slash bay ridge boys to watch weapon in the morning uh conspiracy cuties no nets bonus episode all types of content we appreciate it go sign up we encourage you to do a funny name and we offer every week whoever has the funniest name wins the ppw let's see who it is this week all right let's do it here we go uh let me just open up the list real quick um and these lists are nice and short now which is well not yet we're getting to them being nice and short we're catching up now we're just catching up but we don't want to be sure we want people to join the matriarch but it is nice you know it is nice to be able to do lessons who really want to be here so the people who are coming on now really want to be here and we appreciate that yeah um so first and foremost uh for we'll start off the list with amanda rodriguez welcome to matriarchy jordy white sauce on my monkey while i move it to that squeak tom hardy it's a character actor on my piece de blasio on the list on the list yeah venetia highlighted that one as i was reading it she knew it was on the list yes jake harris sign then we got pre-fontaine then we got maddie skinny fatty my girl is philly italian but yanni is papa and chrissy is daddy um drex shane kavanagh anthony raoul nanya bidness oh none your business nice nice i like that yeah it's good patrick sheehan then we got here goes my ph damn here goes my phd i'm a [ __ ] stupid kid joe rogan shut the [ __ ] up and take your shirt off nice uh that's funny you getting a phd thank you yeah uh we got wide we got wide ranges of intelligence yes we do then we got louis greene jamie ford zach steele liam de pietro it's a [ __ ] that's an irish and italian kid uh then we got make no mistake covert was created in aoc's vagina and mass produced by the democrats trump 2020. list uh it's yeah we don't condone it but it's the list for funny points then we got jamie ragusa uh ragusa is a funny last name because it's an italian last name and it ends in usa it's oh yeah yeah then we got uh camila potrapiluk uh probably nice polish lady yeah then we got chris brfc123 uh then we got mike didn't quit he got catapulted over the wall out of 14. kid has an inside scoop that's yeah then we got the 12 quarter kid but make no mistake i ain't no three dollar bill uh draxler and we got melinda villarreal uh villarreal then we got it's good guy steve then we got call me a slope and i'll crack you open like a cantaloupe make no mistake i got loud rope fumes is it kid asian is he an eastern hemi i mean if you call him the slope does that mean he's an asian i mean don't call me a slope probably i mean what do i do it's we're moving on vanities we have to move on but it's funny though okay we're moving on if you are asian we appreciate the last name if you're asian you're not in a way we don't we don't belong on the list if you're asian but i can't make that determination i'm getting we're getting yeah infinity is making the call if yeah if you're not asian if you're not asian we don't condone that we don't condone it at all but you can put offer on my apartment in all cash above the asking price um yeah then we got amanda orozco then we got jackie tucks it back but not that far because tiny tomato piece potato piece on the list either tomato potato it's funny he can't go all the way back because his piece is too little that's what it is yeah that's that's gonna be the winner that's the front runner then we got samantha brown bauer jeffrey gray jeff mccaffrey then we got jacks on the run then we got natalie chris carroll daisy ivers megan mcconaughey david hickey corey jackson skin flute the poop shoot non-toot commute it's a good one yeah skin poop shoots you know yeah there's a good one he's bringing it back because he knows we don't want it so i'm going to give him a drexler for that then we got jonesy 11. then we got three out of ten now mean uh i don't know what that means but okay black kid appreciate it then we got but i don't know what three out of ten means not a ten out of ten three dollar bill at a time three out of ten got it got it now i mean appreciate it then we got trevor lambert ronald pittman then we got chrissy d aka cuckoosaurus rex in a three dollar dress screaming yas onto the list on the list then we got alexia hulen then we got benny got a dozen quarters but pride month's almost over how do i tell my boyfriend i'm straight kerns okay i like it it's good it's interesting twelve quart we got a couple of dozen quarter jokes yeah yeah i liked it i liked it but i don't think yeah vanities agrees with me not okay almost almost then we got cuz he dougie tuxed pseudo p behind a tree with chrissy d uh then we got beau i'm no baguette monkey but make no mistake my name means cute baguette monkey meaning french cake that's french kid that's funny [Laughter] yeah i mean we're going to drexler okay draxler drexler then we got jessie carrillo then we got yanny long days needs a gi joe andoscopy onto the list a g.i joeoscopy a gi joelonoscopy on the list he gets it marshall connor trevis trevino i mean travis trevito then we got drew paris conway sean sweeney cody hinshaw tyler foreign then we got eating chrissy's bean while giannis is wagging his crank and his mom used spence i like it very good dress you spanx are funny yeah draxler directs the directions and we got yas then we got robert michael mcwelly then we got timmy tucks it back but the potty whitey makes me go pulling z appreciate it uh jessica nicole aaron lennon then we got a three dollar devon i saw christy you know seven but it's okay daddy's dead yeah on the list okay sorry where have you been yeah on the list uh then we got chinese japanese dirty knees on chrissy d we don't condone that um then we got jared waters then we got jordan chrissy bang my girl but it's okay because i gave her chlamydia the week before declerco [Laughter] on to the list okay then we got that's what you call a revenge name yeah revenge name then we got matthew volklik uh amber popping her patreon cherry to upgrade from a chrissy toot to a screwed in matriarch just like papayani lane welcome welcome then we got uh seven with warts sauce monkey trump 2020. seven with warts that we got uh mikey i scanned my face at the cva's sorry mikey i scanned my face at the cvs self-checkout and the price came up as three dollars funny funny matt a mouth is a mouth one going down south but chrissy never called back after houston because he's an ff then we got vena tifa black lives matter toppling statues till they shatter drexler then we got my chihuahua rape my pitbull it's what it is uh then we got texas suck your toes and eat your holes hey mcconaughey 20 20. uh then we got willy moving the vegetables and my vote to the right o'nealy uh then we got chrissy and his corn nuts been nuttin in dudes butts uh then we got louis martinez uh ku klux krissy and the sheath steel pipe chrissy in the streets oh cool ku klux krissy in the sheet steel pipe christy in the streets uh then we got peter welsh then we got james my wheezy piece has the rona [ __ ] you very very good that's it very good that's it and now people have been requesting venetia read off the yeah let's do so get to the left and tell us what those what those uh nominated on the list names are congratulations to the drexlers as always everybody's funny it's it's all a game we appreciate everyone's attempt yeah if you want to go straight to the back and just do a regular name you're here for the content we appreciate you okay so jordy white sauce on my monkey while i move it to that squeak tom hardy it's a character actor on my piece de blasio yeah okay make no mistake covid was created in aoc's and mass production right you got to read it some people know which it is i make no one say covet was created in aoc's vagina and mass produced by the democrats trump 2020. jackie tucks it back but not that far because tiny potato piece chrissy d ak cuckoosaurus rex in a three dollar dress screaming yes uh yanny long days nida needs a gi joelonoscopy thank you uh three dollar devon i suck chrissy in 07 but it's okay daddy's dead jordan chrissy banged my girl but it's okay because i gave her chlamydia the week before okay it's between that guy and and uh tucked it back but he had he couldn't get it all the way back i'm going to tuck it back i tucked it back in a little potato piece that's the winner congratulations congrats but yeah the guy who gave the committee just let me know from my doctor's records just kidding yeah thank you uh we'll see you next week everybody stay tuned also uh the conspiracy cuties only on patreon.com slash bay ridgeboard so make sure you get that oh history hygienist.com new t-shirts out there go get the t-shirts they are selling like [ __ ] hot tastes we got weapon the morning t-shirts reality suggestion t-shirts those ones are low so go get them yes and of course every morning monday through friday live or whenever you want to watch it afterwards in the morning thank you guys so much for watching we hope you loved it don't forget to click subscribe and turn your alerts on and go to patreon.com for more fun where things get really

Channel: History Hyenas

Views: 42,874

Rating: 4.9221659 out of 5

Keywords: Chris Distefano, chris Distefano comedy, Yannis Pappas, Chris Distefano Podcast, History Hyenas, bayridge boys, comedy, comedian, podcast, entertainment, pop culture, commentary, history, history class, best history podcasts, funniest podcasts, true story, crash course, apollo 13 story, apollo 13 explained, explosion, what happened to, history buffs, 3 Men Stuck In Space When An Oxygen Tank Exploded, houston we have a problem, apollo 13 launch, jim lovell interview apollo 13

Id: IS0UbarA_Bo

Length: 56min 55sec (3415 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 15 2020