Another Best of Cold Opens | Parks and Recreation

this is a historic day at 12:01 this morning the city of Eagleton ceased to exist and was reabsorbed back into Pawnee things are exactly the way they were back in 1817 except we have women and minorities can vote we have indoor toilets and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic Councilwoman Knope is your mergers are and in the binders that she's provided you will find directions to your department in Pawnee that most closely matches your department in Eagleton there are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have the Department of infinity pool design and the Department of dressage which I am told is a fancy horse riding thing it is horse dancing madam okay take it easy Alonso all you horse dancing people sit in your saddles if you will the rest of you welcome to your new departments attention Eagleton is now under martial law know who's ready to play sixty the NFL has a campaign to try to get kids active for 60 minutes per day and so we've busted a hundred lucky little buggers from Pawnee and they are gonna get a chance to play with the Colts okay I guess you would know pleasure to see you again mr. luck we met briefly last year at our friend's bachelor party oh yeah right how are you I normally don't answer that question but since I respect your talent I will tell you I am fine hi I'm April I stole your wallet guys are weird thank you sup girl keep walking ninety-eight you don't want to talk to that guy he plays in the NFL he's a linebacker skill positions only for Donna mEagle I got my cold bTW my cold scarf I got the coats grill going and the crowning glory cold slippies how you gonna run a nose run Tommy doesn't run that's your guys's job now uh let's go fetch this football throw fellas I love sports okay Ron enough snuff let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower dear God three main activities baby bingo baby food tasting and my personal favorite baby onesie decorating station I want to make mine look like an astronaut what are you doing up there in space baby oh so cute okay I have some gift ideas I was looking at a very adorable stroller we already have a stroller oh shoot really have to think of something else whose baby is that that would be mine guys get in here run as a baby Oh Ron cool baby thank you Andrew everyone I'd like to introduce you to my son John middle name redacted Swanson John was born sometime ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces much like his father he is a fan of silence please keep your voices down how am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby baby why would you need to know something like oh my god I'm not even sent Diana gift she's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet should we do something just let her tire so far if you need anything from us Rhonda please just let us know actually there is something could one of you please stop by the pet store and pick up some fish food for me I found this typewriter next to the courtyard dumpster and old Underwood 5 with original carriage return Oh took her home polished her up bought a brand-new ribbon off of electronic pay calm okay somebody's got to do something I'm getting a cluster headache oh he's leaving let's go I'm gonna throw it away no I'm not where's a billion tons what does he type in any way if you sons-of-bitches try to remove this typewriter I'll kill you I'm gonna type every word I know rectangle America megaphone Monday butthole gee whiz the Harvest Festival was a real triumph we had over 80,000 people in attendance which surpassed our wildest expectations I would like to specifically single out Leslie Knope I speak for the mayor City Council in all a Pawnee when I say we can't wait to see what the heck you're gonna do next step on up here les are you okay that was the second most Awkward way a man has ever grabbed my breasts as well as a 7% surcharge on all non-local business-related development together we will build a better Pawnee so what we're looking for here are your overall impressions of this candidate what do you like about her what don't you like about her her ideas her voice her clothes probably well my campaign is a little momentum so we're trying to capitalize on that by doing a focus group some things are very helpful other things are not so helpful all the things make me feel a lot of feelings about myself she's kind of short don't you think aggressively short almost it's like she's throwing it in my face insightful you sir said you would not vote for her correct yeah yes she seems a little uptight she doesn't seem like the kind of person you could go bowling with you know what that's ridiculous I am excellent at bowling ask Ron Leslie I know it's tough to hear these things but this trying to get obsessed over one comment totally right I'm not okay what are you doing he's reminding myself to tell Ron to tell you how good I am at bowling sorry I actually thought that she was smart and I'd vote for her there you go although I once knew and Leslie and she was just awful so now I hate always Li's would she consider changing your name well it's a pleasure to be here ladies I didn't think anybody really cared about my time on the City Council oh we do I mean you were such an inspiration still going strong at 82 how old is that handkerchief well it's not a handkerchief it's a receipt Paula hork was pawnees first female city councilor 40 years ago and she was a huge inspiration to me women have come a long way in Pawnee but we still have quite a ways to go I mean technically I'm not allowed to reserve this conference room without my husband or Father's signature government was a real boys club back in the 70s they smoked their cigars they'd snap my bra or mirrors on their shoes to look up my skirt well I'm happy to report that it is now a pervert free people's club well except for councilman Dex Hart who's a self-described pervert yeah and didn't Milton try to kiss you well yeah things aren't perfect all the other councilmen used to keep a calendar my menstrual cycle are you kidding me that is horrible they don't do that to me do they do that to me I once tried to start a commission to try to get more jobs for women in city government and they dismissed me saying that it was because it was just my time of the month admittedly they were right because of their calendar man pigs all of them you know what I'm gonna get that Commission going because this inequality has gone on long enough you know what I think men are better than women she's kidding no I'm not they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters April stop it Leslie you'll never land a bow with that domineering tone we must always walk behind the mesh Washington DC take a deep breath Andy I mean you can practically smell the bills becoming laws yeah you can taste the sweet sugar of bureaucracy at work that building looks like a boob oh yeah I know it's the White House it's the Capitol my amazing lover Ben Wyatt is here working on a congressional campaign and he took April with him as his intern I'm here to visit but I'm also here to work because I have a very important meeting where I am going to try to get federal funding so we can clean up the Pawnee River it's a bit of a fixer-upper romantic reunions government meetings self-guided museum tours I mean am i living the dream I don't know did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae yes now take out your guidebook oh I didn't bring a diamond oh I brought you one you did yeah thank you now throw it away does Leslie Knope is your guy but I didn't mean literally some notes in it okay grab his work and let's hit the National Mall there's the mall that's awesome I need to get some flip-flops hey getting ready for your nightly Skype date with Andy in London you look lovely I'm going to murder you a thousand times God what are you doing here missed you so bad honey I bought myself a ticket home you're never gonna need that computer again cuz I'm home for like 19 hours this is so sweet just like the old days hey guys Jerry it's Larry now okay take a hike Larry [Music]

Channel: Parks and Recreation

Views: 3,364,072

Keywords: Parks And Rec, Chris Pratt, Amy Poehler, Leslie Knope, Ron Swanson, Parks And Rec Bloopers, Parks and Recreation, Andy Dwyer, April Ludgate, Leslie and Ben, Tom Haverford, Aziz Ansari, cold opens, marvel, stan, lee, guardians, galaxy, avengers, jurassic, world, the kid, trailer, full movie, full episode, pranks, fails, funny, nbc, nick, offerman, making it, cold opens the office, cold opens brooklyn 99, cold opens brooklyn nine nine, cold opens parks and rec, cold open b99

Id: uuSwnbb65f4

Length: 10min 4sec (604 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 09 2019