I'm Ron Swanson History began on July 4th 1776.
Everything before that was a mistake She insisted I go and take pictures for her All of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon A steak dinner, a glass of Lagavulin whiskey than vigorous lovemaking for two hours, and we're both asleep by 8:30. Look a clock we don't have that in America. You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend London at night That is very funny Can I help you Sir? Yes. I will take this.
We don't accept American currency, Sir Of course you do That's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world Accept it Very sorry, Sir Fine Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail old woman and a tiny baby All my life, I have avoided Europe and its multitudes of terribleness But it turns out much to my surprise. There is actually one place in Europe that is worth seeing These tiny islands off the coast of Scotland where God's chosen elixirs are distilled barreled and prepared for consumption This is worth the trip I don't know what she thought I'd get out of that Who or what is Pennysaver? It's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it? This was sent to Ron Swanson At Diane's address where I've lived for less than a month. How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy The right to privacy is very important to me. Paul if you ever see another one of these with my name on it I want you to drive into the woods and bury it. I don't decide who gets mail sir I just deliver it Passing the buck, the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted That seems harsh Get out We got rid of your cell phone. This is your last credit card Are you sure you want me to cut up this card? It gets you into the parking garage? I'll be taking the bus now and I'll be paying in cash What other traces of me exists in the world? Think of people. Isn't there photo of you up at JJ's diner from that time? Come on Tom A few months ago, I came in here and began eating eggs They were delicious So I ordered more
before long I believe I eat 51 eggs in 20 minutes Couldn't cook him fast enough
the last 10 were still in the shell It was a JJ's diner record, and you took his picture Now we need that picture for privacy reasons Okay, but I don't know how anybody would know it was you we followed your instructions That's too much information Let's go Where we going now? I've eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants. Why is everyone else so bad at eating? Ron Ron Last name? Dunn Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking? Both Done and Dunn I like Ron What in the name of all that is holy is that smell? Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract Shut your damn mouth No need to curse there most certainly is Wow I am pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work Literally everything is a weapon, son
That folder in my hands is far deadlier than this bow and yours Oh, that's probably true So Leslie and I just finished putting together our will and she wants you to be the witness You mind signing it? That's your will? You need that many pages to say "give my stuff to my wife"? It's a complicated legal document. Doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was 8 years old. Upon my death all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me What is these weird symbols? The man who kills me will know Okay, you should really have a will. That's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer. The three most useless jobs in the world are in order; lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass. Ron that document is nothing it's not even notarized You know if you die, and you don't have a real will most of what you own will go to the government Where's this lawyer you speak of? Is this a joke? Another word for jokes is lies. I do not lie, therefore I do not joke. Mr. Swanson in a state of this size means that your children would never have to work a day in their lives This is going to take some time trust need to be drawn tax shelters. That's enough. I do not need some drawn-out legal expedition to tell me what I knew when I was eight Here's my original will do whatever lawyer nonsense you have to to make it official and I will sign it. Good day Wait, what are all these symbols? I was right not to be threatened by you. We Need to talk That has never been true I think I know what's happening. Thinking about how to divide up your possessions for when you die it's tough confronting your own mortality I think it's got you spinning a little bit alright Wow, I had not considered that.
Yes, I think that maybe you were onto something Yeah, just know that it's perfectly healthy to be thinking about Oh you're joking yes son I am Is this a hunting game? Yes. Its fun, do you wanna play? Indeed I do. If you'd like I could offer you some pointers. Hunting Donna is about silence, balance and patience. Get it together Swanson. Well the game is observed this gun is lightweight There's no sight and we are far too close to these deer would they not smell us? I want my money back. How do I get my quarters?
Oh my god. You are such a sore loser. I'm not a sore loser It's just that I prefer to win and when I don't I get furious Employee Wow. You suck at this. Donna please back up two paces so I can physically destroy this machine. Can you chill a little, man Hunting. No quarters required. Hang on. Do you have a license to hunt at night? Cause you need a license. I thought you were serious. Excuse me worker - bring me a bucket of beers and four hot dogs, please and thank you Why are you covered in blood? Don't worry. It's not human. I hope you've made peace with your God small electronic deer You finally made it into the top ten. Now you can enter your initials. My initials are private. Well then just put in any three letters Ass The only thing that's important at the end of the day is what's on your gravestone, your name. My gravestones gonna be a 60 inch touchscreen with a hologram for missing in the end of the road by boys - man What point taken Ron what's this the crib, I built I'm giving it to you and Ann it's perfectly safe I tested it by hitting it with my truck well Ron. I can't accept. This is for your baby There's more than one crib tree in a forest That's not a lesson by the way just a comment on lumber availability does the white whale actually? symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence No, it's just a B fish usually get 5% Commission But I'll do it for three friends and family discount make it five I don't want you getting any ideas about us being friends. It sounds like an efficient use of the free market I would wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept invented by the week to explain their failures run Silent to rooms now is more dramatic. Why did you enter it all off you have received? Pawnees government employee of the month, I mean it is Stamp the form okay, let's not let run feel left out we love you to run stamp the damn four Little G. Come on You've fallen into a classic trap Christopher trying to fix a woman's problems instead of just listening to what they are Why are you yelling time put all my records into this rectangle. Goodbye Anne I? Have enjoyed parts of our time together Of my friends will be my baby's first memory Saltwater will warp the wood so keep your tears in your eyes where they belong Will do Ron Swanson speaking of bad reviews computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places I Am composing strongly worded letters about things I disapprove of and I am using the Internet to get addresses where I can send them so far I've written to a vegetable farm several European ambassadors a manufacturer of male Cologne and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar Dear frozen yogurt you are the celery of desserts B. Ice cream or B. Nothing zero stars How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada who's it going to Canada? It says dear Canada you can I help you yeah, I own lettuce eat the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive And I wanted to know why you nailed this letter to my door Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind reconsider your life Because I believe it good day carnivores you're all the same how did that guy I know where to find you I assume he saw my name and address at the bottom of the letter I Nailed to his door you signed your real name of course. I did what's gonna happen a vegan is gonna physically attack me They were basically made of glass everyone. I'd like to introduce you to my son John Middle name redacted Swanson John was born sometime ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces much like his father He is a fan of silence. He's out the third floor is silent empty and completely free of government work. I Can't think of anything more beautiful to share with my son Can I help you maybe I was out at the Jazz Club last night Scouting bands for the unity concert, and I saw something very interesting Spending the day outside Alone sounds like a dream. I love being a father, but there are a few things I miss silence the absence of noise one single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children's TV program called doc mcstuffins Wow Wow Andrew you need to get your tooth fixed No way, I'm not going back there. I already won all the magazine mazes. Don't worry. It's gonna be fine Wow if you don't take care of the problem now, it's only gonna get worse come on I'll Drive you back fine I mean just walk down this peanut brittle real quick Why would you do that? All right cuz calories. What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom? That's what he calls City Hall I have tolerated Leslie's pro-government ways because her annoying kindness and generosity Sneakily made me like her as a person, but I draw the line at corrupting America's youth I'm sure I can get Allison a job at Tim hound her sawmill. I once did him a favor I Built his sawmill attended prom with Susan Hoffler picked her up in my truck We slow-danced to a Merle Haggard song and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was 12 years old Family business sounds private, no need to discuss it with me my parents had this small little vacation house on Lake Hubbard And now they've sold it without telling the rest of us Did you not hear me say there was no need to discuss it with me Holy hell that's a lot of alcohol. We will take four bottles, please and thank you a Wonderful guy, and I admire many things about you, but you're a terrible person to discuss personal problems with thank you friend That really means a lot to me and this wine bottle is all out of the wine Hello gentlemen That brings you out on this fine evening mother I need to ask you for a Favor Keep your voice down woman If you'll excuse me Joe. I have to finish hogging out the cheeks on these lap joints Oh, maybe you could use this this jig I made it's just hard wood clamping block connected to a small piece of Hackberry you could use it to locate your cuts for the inside shoulder with Exactly Muffin I Was told ahead until July my chores take time who do you think I am Thomas Hooker? And I took the job Congratulations, nope the sentimental people in this office will probably miss you. How do you feel about leaving Pawnee and moving to Chicago? You'd be working for the federal government For wanting my dear friend and ethical mentor to accompany me on the adventure of a lifetime it's very sweet Leslie and the National Park Service is probably the only branch of government worth a damn, but Diane and I are quite happy raising our family here now if you'll excuse me there's a booth over there serving something called fried sausage quilts, so I'm going to buy the booth I Recalibrated the sights on all the rifles in the shooting gallery. I've had enough fun for one day Oh I know that look where she she's near hide the children Hello Ron Hello, Ron's friend Tammy what could possibly bring you to a children's performance preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn ladies and gentlemen
