Another Audience with Ken Dodd 2002

[Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome mr. Ken Dodd [Music] [Applause] among my lord my lady morass your grace your disgrace Mystic Meg Charlie Dimmock is it I know it's to grow bags I'd say to be here with you tonight hidden in this magnificent actors Job Center fabulous show this you can be when it starts excited I feel well I could I get locked up way to end a glorious career this is the place to do it this 47 years 47 years in shoulders struggling night after night dreaming of stardom suddenly waking up and finding yourself in a shed on the south bank to a bunch of people who are waiting for a hip operation [Applause] this one's in every entertainers lifetime he gets his golden opportunity to women or that when I get to your frenzy trying so salty and dancing in the aisles intent had on the Europe to this you know tonight tonight she's meant to be an artistic experience yes I'm an artiste and you are my paints and canvas and brushes and tonight my dear friends between us we're gonna create a masterpiece what words spring to mind another wonderful day another one for dead what's been a wonderful week and has been a wonderful week for me Monday night Monday evening I've suddenly found out my jin-sang was working I had a very successful luncheon with my accountant he paid the bill and I - nuts - the receipt I know new this morning and you're not gonna believe this this morning I got a 10-pound rebate from the Inland Revenue [Applause] and they said there's plenty more where that came from just remember to check the right box what a show we've got lined up for transwomen o3 we've an artist from all the four corners of the Job Center hi me Oh blimey fantastic contortionist Willie snap it the famous Russian knife thrower lucky me I put his head off saucy brushes striptease lady Eva best of find something you like don't mind we don't laugh as long as you're interested special tree specially roller boys for all the fellas we've got a topless a topless lady ventriloquist nobody's ever seen her lips move [Applause] has anybody seen my show before did you mind tell you what to do next please don't you have a system and we have a system for testing your ticular ability now on the front rows you've got red and yellow cards okay when your cards you're like football referees you're in charge of the audience's good taste now if I tell a very saucy joke you hold the yellow card off and actually minute you pull yourself together okay obscene joke well of course you just you miss it yours hole the red card of hand I'll go off and you sing the song but what sort of songs you sing there but soul music have you any songs about fish there's a place for us ladies next week is national romance week one good turn gets most of the duvet you do understand later you understand what I'm trying to ask you don't you girls like because after all you are women no with your brains are smaller than ours device naughty then I shall have to have my legs slapped one would you like to do it now blonde blondes particularly blondes I mean why do blondes like BMWs cuz they can spell it [Music] and when ladies get together it's like a group headache and let's talk about but ago somebody gay men meant a good man two ladies talking about man that man from the moment I met him you moan more whinge whinge cry Christ worse were she when did you meet him should I run over him in the car we need to question your question Sweeney oh thank you for lending us your support I just want to say thank you for your support when I was starting out as a teenager in the business they say life is a gamble can especially show business yes you a gamble and you take risks is that an offer we were all we're all gamblers we all take risk oh well we're all riches in money every wedding Xena Southie we're all waiting for the big finger [Music] just five numbers up a winning line doses that don't want to do it for the lottery I'd probably give it all away nor wouldn't I want to do a shot last Saturday to buy lottery tickets it's a gorgeous girl behind the counter she said next to me could be rollover week [Applause] tell me it gets stressed enough stress stress it's very stress you're under stress I'm under stress I don't know what I'm under stressful I'm the only one who knows what's gonna finish it's not want to depress you I'm an optimist no an optimist loves nothing do it your eyes that 50% 50% and that's almost half no not brilliant two figures but to know that five out of three people can't do fractions but stress stressing children distressing sport any month or two United supporters in village mean jealous they both Sir Alex Ferguson see Sir Alex Ferguson the other afternoon the Queen but he graciously dubs so Alex with a golden sword and game a gold stopwatch 10 minutes fast then only man 1690 plays they always out on the pitch following their captain [Music] the other night in our house did not attach the phone rang and pick the phone you said her Leo can Kris talent here ITV's who want to be a millionaire ken we have David Beckham here and his wife Victoria and with your help you can get them up to 100 pounds oh well don't be long sir there is not a jump does not and we're so pleased so having here assuming you just have an operation the removal of a clipboard everybody knows you play more theatres you travel further across the country and you entertain a more varied assortment of audiences than any other performer in the land now just in confidence what is your favorite kind of audience [Applause] my favorite or audience is is is an audience it loves to laugh no it loves to laugh you know a family audience says if mums and dads and kids that's Christmas we're in pantomime you say do you like pantomime Halifax in Yorkshire yet no nothing wrong we just have to go there it's what they call community service and we you know about pantomime get me know that you know about pants my new of the the opening chorus of punchlines always the same we just matter whether it's babies in the world Cinderella or Ali Baba and the Forty be a team and it's always the curtain goes up and the pheasants are always opening chorus goes like this long [Applause] [Music] hello world of yesterday while looking out to find away for the children with a happy song and a happy face in this world a better place the children [Music] I'm singing out around to every other well I'm reaching out to all of you [Music] children on the world tonight Burnie right yellow [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes what we need now is some some community singing : [Music] so you will are lowering we were seeing from you Allah lowering I heard you romantic song for all these gorgeous ladies here one comic one of Elvis's [Music] when no one else can understand me I mean everything I do is wrong give me hope and inspiration [Music] we hope to carry on a minute something the old farmers their water no farmer I don't know [Music] later Susan's wonderful man now this old man he had some little pigs [Music] [Applause] is it your drowning that man misses no fat old bluesman he's all through down our street he's such a jolly red-faced man it's really a street is too kind replacements he's never known to frown everybody says he is the happiest man in town that's what I want you to do for a serious moment I want to reveal a secret I want to take this opportunity while I'm on national television before the newspapers get hole written it's the dearth I was and with the comes toy boy no-nothing simply given the automobile but not all ordnance is a wonderful and charming and gullible I you know we played a theater last week they acted before me was so bad they were still booing while I was who wouldn't marketer is a dog act they can't hurt me anymore now I've been rejected on my life my life in one round of rejection if another no works so hard all the mothers in the audience have got ugly children there's not many other I was a bottle baby mmm my mother said she liked me as a friend but he had to stop there [Applause] I think my dad liked me because you said throw me over in the air then go outside for a smoke one day my father rushed into the house waving a five-pound note he said look at Oh God for your son he'd sold me that's how I came into show business go hog you're so poor you see I can be sure I can only afford tap dancing lessons for one leg I've got to work half the time in Treasure Island the musical they're making musicals out of all sorts of books now well the working either working a musical out of the Kama Sutra if they can get enough singing acrobats went to the audition with me legs let me down [Applause] and when I started you showbiz mittens what little bit of money I got I used to spend on wine women and song till my voice broke I used to fall in love so easily I fell in love with the lady contortionist when she turned the other cheek the strange courtship house to say to her give us a clue very clever woman very clever she said she could bend over backward stick a head between her legs and Sonia pension mogul that other hand loss used to get in the post office to do a non club don't you go to the counter with position closed this run away with the circus or the circus people love me well I was the only one who could get the tent back in the back it's insisted with it to the human cannonball but he went off without telling his wife he toured all over Britain home of the show Derbyshire I fell in love with the Bakewell sisters they broke up the tops how do you feel another question another question naughty ash and asked you to be chief controller of television yes yes what would you do to make sure that all the programs were as good as yours will television pretty wonderful don't you the moments aren't you glad you've paid for a television license it should be because it was invented here you know Southbank television yes this fell on the Sal he got the idea for television one day when he saw his wife nagging him through the serving hatch what wonderful television have you seen afternoon television oh is it what afternoon what the putting on for the poor old they poor perish and Pensions old black-and-white films old saw one last week James Mays missing short trousers Jim slit a romantic British film at the end of the film Finlay Cory got the girl all the old they're all enjoying the film suddenly front winds that come down said have you thought about your funeral yes [Music] get some money paid in funeral caught you up in a bin bag so we start watching the film again and Carol Vorderman comes on she'd had an accident you want one the top of your road tomorrow morning ten o'clock because I'll be run over by bus compo directs compote Eric will get you some compensation and mrs. Janaki of London she got an ingrown toenail wedging the bus Q we got her for pound 75 in conversation a new shoe with a Cuban heel she wanted this thing so they start watching the film again and flora herd comes on which is nothing downstairs on a starlit [Applause] the stuff from the commercial commercial used to be happy based on fear fear this this this young woman frightened the life of this fellow saying you're not gonna believe what they've done in your bathroom middle of the night television yes ghosties and Ghoulies and monsters dracula ha now there is a Dracula who could be entertained by somebody with big teeth and bulgy eyes succulent he's supposed to be a dumb pregnant Samba and vampires can't have mirrors in the house so how did you parted her down the center in the red Dicky bow yes I can live in a much more aggressive world today and there's a lot of pushy people around no you are an icon of humor yes what would be your recipe to allay people's stresses and fears well first of all you tell me what an icon is yes I think we do with us I think ideally I think we live in a very very aggressive world not anything so fishface we want to get fatter or more genteel world a more peaceful world the world the gingy world of Jane Austen all the ladies wore crinolines one Muslim a bowlegged anyway gentlemen all wore very very tight for the very title riding breeches get there have any small change you could tell what it was heads or tails and they had good manners and etiquette II there are lots of etiquette a young man wishes to court a young lady you have to visit her very stern father for permission and the poverty all your all your intention in towards my daughter honorable or dishonorable oh you mean you've got a choice I'll have you know my daughter is nicely reared she's not due back from the frontier so can you support a family I think so there's nine of us Oh Dora did you see Dora Kenneth I'm a man of your singing I love you to sing but why did you keep pulling funny faces I want you to sing a song all the way through without pulling a funny face could you try and sing a nice song just me we may like before all these lovely ladies in the audience what a favorite song of mine the very thought of you the very flawed of you [Music] okay to do [Music] the little ordinary things that everyone ought to [Music] I'm happy as a king and foolish to me that's everything [Music] c'mere I hate deer of you [Music] the longing here for you you'll never know how slow [Music] visionary flower [Music] your eyes in the stars above [Music] the very thought of here [Music] ah [Applause] these girls he's making here something you want to hear some classical music on the girls [Applause] thousands of women across the nation suffer untold from night starvation if you're the one that cannot slumber write to me with the name and number go for your new pension here's the thing I'd like to mention if we approached by someone shifty phone-a-friend not 50/50 happy son of a gun that's why I am banging this drum I'll stay all night upon this stage cuz I've been put on the minimum wage [Music] one lecture another for another question please could you send me a song my mom used to sing to me when I was a DD man no you know wish I was a DD man sometimes well you could be a duty man what what hide are you when you're flat on your back I'm looking at Frank would like a song to remind him of home what part of Hammersmith is mutton hotter rah-rah-rah key bianco vest eatin Kalusha Sestito grand saw Stacey are on parole SOT Tom Perez say del fiore last from Mozart on freebie tomorrow you'll talk no guilty at all upon a turn to see a diva mr. up here to I wish you joy those teardrops done and if someday [Music] please [Music] can you stop to the head [Music] Oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] right you two-faced lot all the world's a stage and all the men and women are acting the goat we're all pretending and pretend you to be a comedian you're pretending to be an audience pretending to loffley an actor preferably no [Applause] yes of course the greatest I have to say that we've also appeared in Alice in Wonderland and Hamlet how is the acting career going well well actually Thank You Keith I you're quite right I did appear with Kenneth or bran I have been you know studying still studying my drama and acting I saw they say advert in the newspaper last week it said earn millions in a few short weeks why work when you can become an actor so I've enrolled for a drama course in the hambone Academy of acting and drama by post said send no money now but make sure the checks in the post tomorrow morning potential spotted I can get it off at herbs I think every different lesson must be here with gestures justice no this is this is must remember to put the top on the superglue tube and you have elocution elocution what did the lesson elocution is you what you do is you fill your mouth up with marbles they know you've been the thing and when you've lost all your marbles babies are potty about dramatic love songs that direct the real emotional love songs and we need a love song for all the ladies now everybody has a favorite love so you have it all started in show business youngster go in history he started here around here in the caves in Hampstead and well there's still a few people living in them and they're Caitlin Iggy Augie and Augie and they bow hunting dinosaurs in Kensington okay freezing cold one January and he just had just invented fire the week before by robbing two grannies together well he backed up to the fire and he was toasting myself and suddenly got a bit too hot he was lifting the Cape - the grouse and we saw a pretty girl he would hit over the head you see with his club and they'd start dancing a thing they were the first ones to start plumbing they was all - everybody loved every lovely dance you don't like first of all there's there yeah first of all there's the Scottish dancing [Music] - holy hey didn't half perspire when his new killed caught fire this is the the Irish dancing the jumps like this cuz they come out without new money the English nouns English the Morris dancing with their lovely straw bonnets they're lovely straw bonnets bedecked with flowers and ribbons Bishop sleeve blouses embroidered waistcoats silk stockings and snug fitting velvet wrap that won't lock in the bulb no there was the fertility dancers the fertility dances all the young maidens and young men of the village would dance gale around the Maypole saying things like oh please let it be a false alarm and if you still hear the old folk songs sung in the folk clubs if you go if you go during happy hour you'll hear the folk singers singing the traditional folk songs now you feel wonderful you know you see my bottom suppose I was professor yeah four chocolatey operatic tenor and saw Sonata that final baritone solo the floral dance [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] chose the panelists [Music] [Music] [Applause] musical comedies mizzen comedy has given us some beautiful love songs the most romantic musical of all must be the stupid prince it's a very romantic story of a young prince who sent by his father the king to study at the University of Heidelberg he wants you to be a Heidelberg in work songs he's trying to get a BA in boozing a BSc and a PhD then he would go back the following year for the rest of the alphabet at the University he lives in a sauce the three houses in the schloss house the Doss house the other place would burnt down the Pyrenees Powell's but they were the first lager louts they go around boozing and wenching which is the same as winning but it's not as bad for your back he falls in love with the innkeeper's daughter she's so pretty so your highness please be gentle if I get into trouble I'll do away with myself but Joey that's down decent of you the trimmings on from the stupid prince - Isaac hardrive moustache and they're shining on me drink three let the toast off a hard ever [Music] [Applause] from America from America came wonderful musicals carousal honey have some fun [Music] Oklahoma yes we hope your home and watch you see the Cowboys are roughing toothless different rhythms and cowboys can't dance still everybody has a good time [Music] stick em up [Music] oh here come the Indians form a circle [Music] let's cut them off at the pass rawhide that's the biggest come fire I've ever seen [Music] [Applause] Oh [Music] [Applause] Oh to handle a woman kismat hold my hair I'm a strange-looking parasite we had two wonderful composers for giblet and Sullivan Sullivan you know Mike Fame the two other men dolly cart and his brother Orson [Music] take spotting eyes to compare the smarting eyes sparkling eyes these two men sparkling eyes [Music] sparking aha when these two competing I [Music] these two others fell apart Oh sharp [Music] do they need someone who goes beautiful love songs for the young Victorian Swain's your men sing these beautiful about salads put some balance Leslie pots come tell me pretty maidens are there any more at home like you [Applause] mr. wonderful American composers and wonderful wonderful American singles Frank Sinatra I did it sideways myself I'm a middle-of-the-road singer and then on the m1 last week my favorite must be nut Kinkel um forgettable you must remember this remember the most romantic actionable must be the German accent Oh German yep - sound 15 feet away a plastic Mac bigger bigger Oh call Gerta [Music] go to the German concert hall you can hear the classic you've been here we're gonna boggler if go to a halfway house and get Brahms and Liszt they had a wonderful German singer in this country called Richard Taba and ratchet ABBA he worked in this country under the name of Count von Zeppelin Chameli we are the greatest we have the greatest class we have to push and the villain all things in the world Pavarotti singers get the highest notes with the aid of the German tuning fork 9 lifetime mindless dream comes true just finds you 9 lifetime or never Kabakov you my friend the war is over saw your feet on city I met you and I clock them I know [Music] [Music] on all this food [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] this is a very important show Tiki I want you to sing a nice song ladies and gentlemen yeah have you thinking very very nicely yeah you seen that lovely shiny red bicycle in my dressing room well I'll sell it to you sing a romantic song for these lovely ladies what would you like to sing when they begin the gig in when they begin the beguine beginning to get fed up with you Andrew Lloyd Webber believe me huh how do you know I'd be in a mess remember - he ambition the grass is always greener the other side of the street no said that this is the job what's what other job we're gonna do a jockey a jockey when did you first think about becoming a jockey another small what happened got a saddle on the cat have you ever ridden in a race before it were hey hey what happened started it gentlemen yeah finished all the race course is great which is your favorite Race Course a tree a tree a tree and you touched it was this kind of [Applause] job you fancy cook a cook huh you could be a little chef what's your speciality dean jeong cho stop sticking to the bottom of my pan eat toast [Applause] I think I think it's time you retired little man we crying I know by your blue someone stole your did he come away time to go to sleep now you'll be playing soldiers the battle has been won the enemies are to sign come along there soldier put away your drum the war is over for tonight I'm to stop your scheming time your day was can't you hear the bugles softly play I [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] romantic audience so many romantic couples here in the audience look at this couple over here Romeo and Juliet look at they're holding hands in case he hits a thing and they have a little love secret can I tell me a little love secret about got it right now you never go to sleep angry they've been awaiting out for five and a half years you said six months ago his lovely lady wife had to have plastic surgery just got a credit cards up on the front row we have a winner here this gentleman not you sir you want to say you won this competition can item say even that's taught me it was a three weeks holiday series not as a luxury hotel in Swanage this off the back of a pot noodle package it was a common it's arranged twelve comedians in order for activeness I've given you the bridal suite sir your bridles in 25 years you can have the ballroom you don't have to dance [Applause] fabula charities examine which the good roads the time to enjoy I'm not so lucky [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you

Channel: jasethehoo

Views: 685,362

Rating: 4.6526494 out of 5

Keywords: Another Audience with Ken Dodd, ken dodd live

Id: C1gI4jmjQjs

Length: 49min 17sec (2957 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 22 2019