2019-10-06 - Mick Miller at Butlin's, Minehead, 70s Weekend (WARNING: May Cause Serious Laughter)

live and it went bankrupt after a week and we think it was a sign you know shatner pants i hate people that take drugs you know customs officers and from the policemen helpline i've got this woman's voice and if you want information on cannabis press hash last year in london there was a hundred thousand people went marching to legalize cannabis can you imagine that hundred thousand of their own marching going what do we want whenever we want it look i went to this posh fire in london with the wife and i couldn't believe it i went to a bottle of bud and a coke so i've gone back to the table the wife's gonna get me a straw i've gone back to the bar i said have you got a straw for the coke he said no just [ __ ] roll the fiver without london i couldn't believe it i thought once in my life you know because we watch all them chefs on the telly and they're all going bust because they've showed us how to [ __ ] do it i thought once in my life i'll do it so i went in that gordon ramsay's i thought i'd just go for lunch now the cheapest thing on the menu for lunch was 48 quid i thought well i'm going to go for that on the cheapest thing and it was boneless chicken right so it arrived [ __ ] fried egg is any of you any vegetarians with us yeah they haven't got their energy but they're undefeated broccoli i've tried it once for a month being a vegetarian after the second week i used to wake up in the morning and start to lean to the light but it's a world gone matter what all this gender stuff that's sam smith he doesn't want to be known as a woman or a man what what's that about it's not not new to me because i remember as a kid i was only 14 and i was talking to me uh my uncle margaret i'm the antihistamine and i went for a man check up how embarrassing was that a man check up so i've gone in he said give the knife face down on the bed face down please can you stick your leg out to the side then here the snap of the rubber glove now this fella's coming to me with a finger well how would you make a conversation i said um you want twitter anyway he did what he had to do and he walked out so the nurse came and said it was that i give rescue dogs i've got one now bless from charlie he's able to bless him charlie he's got an ingrowing tail and he cost me a fortune because i get him x-rayed every day see if he's happy but i must admit i'm yeah i'm hugged i'm little i'm just hooked on it thursday i'm facing the queue a little you know i went in my local little i've got all my fresh dog food i've got some wonderful english steak so nice veg cakes that are baked daily in the shop i've got some welding goggles an angle grinder and a very nice riding hat then they start selling [ __ ] skiing gear why did this fortune teller in blackpool she had a sign up she was closed due to unforeseen circumstances now she was a wonderful woman this woman you know she did your tarot cards she read your tea leaves crystal ball in fact she saw 9 11 in a cup of soup she made a lame man hop so i uh i said it won't be palm red and [ __ ] with a spanner she said do you believe in reincarnation i said no but i didn't believe it when it was a frog but all these things now we've all got pets something you reckon now you shouldn't you shouldn't sleep with your pets you know what i mean because well i found that out me goldfish [ __ ] died i don't know where these are coming from anyway nice to see you guys a bit last night you're all looked tremendous first time i've been for a piss with three ewoks and a [ __ ] lumper i was walking back to the challenge and uh i saw like scooby doo he was he was dogging yeah my first wife she left me because i drank the water bed i live in black hole now fabulous place beaches in the sea you know blackpool's the only place in great britain where a seagull can fly with one wing because it's got a [ __ ] kebab he's got a rock factory and i saw him three weeks ago in the pub he was really down i said what's wrong with you he said well he said that's been a good season he said and uh you know charlie worked for me dad for 20 years and he's waiting for me that's 20 years he said just have to start to let him go i said oh that's sad that's what's wrong with your face he said well i give him two weeks notice i've got six miles of rock with [ __ ] off written through it all his life and i saw him a month ago over the pine with him and i said what are you doing nowadays he went hey mick i robbed this place last night he said i wrote two pictures one picture is worth 1.7 million quid and the other one's worth 1.9 million quid he said come and have a look there will be boots and he's on this boot i said you robbed an estate agent does anyone ever mean to blackpool for the lights oh they're aren't they done there was a fella last saturday night and he's all over the tram lines you know what all the [ __ ] he's bought in the day in blackpool he's got the blow obama green necklace lights up in the dark sponge cowboy hat and it's raining he forgot is that was sponge he's going smaller and smaller the tram driver said look at the state of this i better stop giving a lift so he stopped his tram he said fleetwood mate he said yeah just follow the tracks and there's a drug on the rifles five shots a pound the first shot this trunk is on straight through a teddy bear's head the stone lord what the second shot 18-piece dinner service all over the floor the stone will just put the gun down just put it down put the gun down put it down i'll give you any prize you want [Music] sneak out on a friday night for a slight pint without your dear one you just get your foot on that step and it's wet where are you going what didn't i tell you love this birthday one of the lads five nights this week you've been out five nights these kids think you're a [ __ ] rumor i'll be back i'll be back honestly you've gone out half a dozen pints who do she talking to whose name's on this mortgage so you get on three hours late then it starts with it first of all you sat on the edge of the bed 45 minutes trying to get your shoes off slip-ons then she said sits up in bedrooms you put in their faces like the exorcist and girls have you noticed your man when he's had drink turns into a bit of a sex god he stood there in his lemon white fruits with white piping one black sock and he stood there and he tried to be at chesterfield chippendale then he comes out with them sexy words wake up love my friend wants to see you and that's when the actress comes out to you oh the girls collins don't you touch me when i married you i thought you were brave [Applause] the children to the circus [ __ ] circle there's not a word said before today isn't a picture no sound let the kids become yours aren't they another word said in the house for five days the dogs like that don't forget my missus when she was pregnant with the last one dick you know when you're pregnant girls you have weird things that you want to eat she went we had a french restaurant about 100 yards away she went old mick she's watching curry she went can you go get me some escargots no snails and garlic in the shells oh my watch wait go get just one oh so i've ran down and in this restaurant there's father my mates having a party so i thought i'd just stay for one magnum so i've ordered them i've looked at it's ten to eleven i thought oh [ __ ] so i've laid it so i've got the brown back right and i'm lagging it down there i just turned into my driveway as all the garlic butter has gone through the cardboard and now the snails all up the driveway as she opens the door and i went come on lads i don't like flying don't you no and if you're nervous flying people always say you don't think well if your numbers up your numbers up what if some pilots numbers up why get me involved manchester airport and i've gone up to the woman you know that one sat behind the desk with a thunderbird at on give me the ticket the passport she looked to meet you and [ __ ] you i said you just say that again lady said the fart queue that's all right then so i've now stood in the fire queue she said four hour delay i said why is that then he said well a pilot earned a funny noise in the engine take us four hours to find a pilot that can't hear it now these stupid questions come out don't they does anyone you don't know about anything in your case i don't know anyone who don't know is anyone you don't know given you anything so i went to ponton's once two inches long says sorry to say you can't take them on a plane tweezers that's a dangerous weapon can you take it over to that gentleman over there put him in that bucket with him machetes and scissors he said don't smile sir security so i'm trying to imagine now the damage you could go on a plane with these tweeters obviously you could murder the pilots couldn't you take me to cuba stay back take me to cuba or i'll rip the ears out your nose so you get rid of your luggage then it's through to duty free and i can't believe some of the shiny cell there who needs a total roll as big as a [ __ ] cricket bat i mean notice now every airport they do it on purpose nothing they know you're going away you've got to walk through all the perfumes now to get to your plane and i've got the wife there with me now she is now like a truffle pig so i'm not sat on this plane initially when it starts ladies and gentlemen the emergency position is put your head between your knees i said what if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to thailand the life jacket that's the classic one in it over your head twice around your waist turn at the side in a double bow so now you're healing to the sea at 12 000 miles an hour stupid as she's there straight away can you put your table up i didn't know this apparently if you'd water 12 000 miles an hour the corner of that table can have your eye out [Laughter] on the life jacket light which comes on in contact when you hit the water and you can see these lights inch and a half away and you've got a bit of backup a whistle you ever try to blow a whistle when you're bobbing them down in 14 foot waves 12 foot shark tune on your leg [Laughter] when you need your tweezers next time you're on a plane if you want a bit of a laugh you know what the person next to is fast asleep and they start there in your space put you put your oxygen mask and your life jacket and wake them up to the stewardess how do you get drinks and i bring the drink sir which one he said sonic give his gin and tonic he said they're only smaller what happens when i won another one so we'll just press the button above your head and ten minutes later he had this glass to the air nozzle you always feel safe in a plane don't you when the pilot speaks because they also educated them that you can't see it but they sound good today flying time is 2 hours 40 minutes whether today is fine sit back relax and i'll speak to you later thank you you really feel safe can you imagine if it was a scouse pilot you'd [ __ ] yourself all right there's your captain here charlie jones so arrived in spain i learned a bit of spanish one spanish what i'll never ever forget is uh choo choo remember that if you're in spain choo choo because they've come out this bar embedded on four o'clock in the morning and they felt a good in me back and the voice said if you don't give me your wallet i'm going to choose you so so i spanish food i went to the spanish restaurant i did octopus this octopus takes four hours i said why is that then he said well we cook them and they're alive and they keep turning the gas off well you've all done it when you've gone abroad you know there's always girls boys never forget me first time in spain and one of my mates in liverpool you know he went now listen when we get in this first bat let me order the bevy because i've been learning spanish so the first bar in benidorm he walked up and he went for the vote dress services one for me mates [Laughter] but it takes so long you know from up north because from warrington to stoke-on-trent the m6 now has been two lanes for 15 years honestly on a friday taking it back from warrington to stoke for two and a half hours but now as you drive in it it's got this big hoarding and it's a young kid about nine years old in a high-vis jacket and a hard hat and it says drive safely my daddy works here [ __ ] win to the weekend you know two lanes you know you notice the nose on you side by side and i'm next to parcel force man and he wound his window down he said hey mate have you got the time i said yeah it's between nine and five-ish but i'm in london i couldn't believe it in london at all i couldn't believe it there's this guy outside some pancreas station all his air was matted he absolutely stunk he had an old battered guitar and he started to sing he said when i was young life was so logical i said that was super [ __ ] he said thanks very much mate i've had some nice little welsh accents around the uh camp have we yes [Applause] we're gonna have sex on sunday but you can't enjoy it chapel oh can imagine the heads of the valleys you know the little uh coleman's cottages and this big russian knocked on this door this little lady opened the door and he said the daffodils are out very early this spring and she went oh you want jones the spy he's number 17. i still love doing the clubs in wales never forget i was doing the remember butlins could tell why remember that one i was doing butlins patel why i'm from liverpool from liverpool you know once you get past conway in north wales that's when it's real welsh you know where the well shines kick in you know it just looks like someone's thrown a [ __ ] bag of scrabble at it and police aren't police they're headley so come out of butlins pathel why three o'clock in the morning i see this big yellow fan behind me with hedley on it i thought the local plumber i could lose him a little country road especially in the summer you know mid-summer there's always a rabbit in the middle of the road probably in the collect car numbers most of them only usually get one so this copper stop he said what speech were you talking impressed what speech were you towing i said i was doing the 17. he said you were doing 84 miles an hour i someone sees bendy rhodes said i can't see the dials this third train kept coming at me from the left and the right and the left he said that's your earth freshener he said what did happen if mr folk came down i said say that again he said what had happened if mr fogg came down oh i said if mr phone come down and say i'll get mr foot and i'll put mr foot on mr break [Laughter] listen i said mist and fog for sure i got to a place called real and the phone come down but you know it's like driving in fog you just get behind someone don't you let them take the risks i have followed this fella for 17 miles at 12 mile an hour and he stopped dead and i bit him right up the ass i'm out of the car i've got him by the throat this fella so what are you doing you pratt he's not in my garage i was doing a gig in london at the park lane hotel this posh gig so i walked in the parklane hotel can you imagine what this hairstyle jeans trainers t-shirt this fella behind the counter he's looked at me popping down he thinks i'm going to pull a string and my [ __ ] air is going to fly up he said can i help you i said you think you can afford it i said yes he's in this 380 pounds i'm so sorry he said would you like a shower or a bath i said what's the difference he said you sit down in the bath well i phoned the ambulance for him so me and the wife were in the room i said oh wait are we taking the little balls of shampoo i said we're taking the [ __ ] curtains get the swag to the tail on the [ __ ] pole get the lock down well this hotel and everything and smooth jacuzzi you have a spa well 380 quid i'm in the spa you know got my lottery tickets some odd numbers bought the milk um you had a sauna well i've never been in a sauna in my life so i've now sat in a sauna half naked with 15 strange men i bet my lips on this ladle trying to get a drink last time i was in the swimming pool when your time was up and managed mighty with a bamboo pole but every smooth hole now there's a chemical in the water and if a man has a pee in the water it comes out bright blue it's that ink and the nose done it woman doesn't pee in the water it comes out pink me and the wife run down this pool we will add their red arrows i work in australia once a year and last time i was over there on the gold coast and i'm in the cab and i just have to say to the cab driver excuse me mate i said can you stop the cab stop the cab he said what is it mate i said let me get out i just want to take a picture of that kangaroo kangaroo that's that's a ground having a [ __ ] always a pleasure to come and see you down in minor league have a fabulous weekend and uh what will happen next year [ __ ] 40s i just 15 [ __ ] coffins on the stage oh it's getting old i hate it i don't want a good funeral you know you get something to eat something to drink you don't have to take a present i went to one note three weeks ago we went back to the house for the wake and i just happened to say to the widow have you got the wi-fi code she said don't you think that's a bit inappropriate at a time like this you horrible ball bastard i said is that all in lower case so about to fill on the radio doing the noddy program for kids he hates kids who needs kids like a moose needs a hat rack i've been doing this for 20 years every monday morning on the radio not any programming against hatred kids alcoholic don't forget it's on the radio morning kids howdy show your listen to your radios what's a little naughty do today he went something goes in the bathroom isn't it [Applause] when he goes downstairs for his breakfast has a milkman poured himself a cup of tea [Laughter] and he put himself some toast [Music] digger green's car with his friend gordon hello gordon what is going on these holidays scurry butler and he makes a scottish red indian hawk either noob and he makes a scouser in india hang on went to the cave shop in glasgow he said is that a custom gold meringue he said no you're not wrong it's a custard i was pretty sure it was almost a tank engine but thomas went into this tunnel with a little puff thomas came out with a tender behind hey no how often do i have to do thanks for listening [Applause] that was unbelievable thank you very much mr mcmiller ladies and gentlemen fantastic right

Channel: bigweekender123

Views: 1,087,207

Keywords: Mick Miller, stand up, comedian, butlin's, butlins, 70's Weekend, Funny, Laugh, Stand up, The Comedians, Comedies, Comedy

Id: 1kQrh_oOdIU

Length: 35min 3sec (2103 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 22 2020