Angry Video Game Nerd - Season 15 (AVGN Full Season Fifteen)

hey hey [Music] [Music] do you have any idea what an ogre can do to you [Music] they'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin shake your liver squeeze the jelly from your eyes oh no she's reciting shrek lines [Music] remember that movie shrek came out in 2001 out of nowhere just became this big monster hit even won an oscar for best anime feature but was it really that good well i think i should check it out again the movie was kind of a parody of disney it mocked the way they would dumb down public domain fairy tales like adding unnecessary sidekicks and inserting a ton of pop culture references just to make the source material more marketable allowing them to juice them for sequels spin-offs theme park rides toys and video games shrek is an ogre who's forced on a quest to save a princess by a pint-sized lord on the way shrek gains allies like a talking donkey and learns the true meaning of friendship onions beauty being on the inside and you know all that [ __ ] so anyway i gotta re-watch shrek but of all these million streaming services i don't know which one it's on is it amazon or peacock or whatever and you know me i'm old school just got a new cell phone finally so i need to track down a physical copy even if it's vhs i did get this vhs tape shrek retold this was sent by a fan this is actually a remake scene by scene now that's some commitment right there but we need to find the actual movie um the video stores well that's out uh i know the library and not just any library the library of congress that's right shrek was just entered into the national film registry it is now as culturally significant as the original dracula 2001 space odyssey saving private ryan and citizen kane there's just one problem i asked the library at congress for a copy and they sent me this weird version that's for the game boy advance which also came with sharktail ugh how convenient your tax dollars at work yeah there is this weird period in gaming history where you could get movies or tv shows made to play on your portable gaming console i actually have a couple of movies made for the sony psp here we have starship troopers awesome and the not awesome black dawn starring steven seagal why the [ __ ] do i even own this i gotta be honest i'd rather not watch shrek on a tiny ass game boy advance screen i want to watch it on my tv so luckily i have the game boy player for the gamecube the game boy player is basically just an amped up super game boy but it can play game boy game boy color and game boy advance games all on your gamecube and if i have to say game one more [ __ ] goddamn time i'm gonna go insane hmm just realized the whole playing game boy on your tv thing skipped the nintendo 64. i mean there was the wide boy 64 but it wasn't released to the public that thing's almost as wide as shrek's ass first you grab your gamecube by the purse handle thing second snap the player into the large port on the bottom and then it has to be screwed in you think that would be it but no you also need the game boy player disc without it you're [ __ ] remember how easy the super game boy was all you do you take the cartridge you put it in the super game boy and then you put that in your super nintendo and boom you're playing with power but good luck not losing this tiny ass disc oh [ __ ] okay so here's shrek the movie on game boy advance on gamecube plus sharkdale [Music] the hell is this i did everything right just let me watch shrek already god damn it uh it turns out the game boy player can't play these types of movie packs i guess nintendo was afraid people would capture the movie footage and use it to sell bootlegs yeah sell bootlegs of shitty low resolution pixelated movies so what am i going to do now well since i'm in a shrek mood i guess i'll see what games i have while i'm looking for this game remember when i said shrek was a clever parody of disney well shrek quickly became a parody of itself by also having a ton of sequels spin-offs theme park rides toys and of course video games alright here we go for the game boy color shrek's fairy tale freak down what the [ __ ] is a freak down i'm guessing it's ripping off the term smackdown which makes sense since this looks like a wrestling game and came out during wwf's attitude era plus it's appropriate since there was a wrestling scene in the movie so a freak down it is first thing you need to do is pick a language well hmm let's see american or english i mean what difference does it make is it going to change the spelling of game boy color next you're greeted with a pixelated shrek putting some poor dude in a [ __ ] headlock with a scary-ass grin on his face i'm gonna squash your head like a grip [ __ ] okay let's hit start and holy [ __ ] that donkey looks like ass that ass looks like ass i guess i'll just pick shrek let's get ready to rumble in the jungle i mean the forest oh god what the [ __ ] what the hell is wrong with shrek's face wait i thought this was wrestling there's no grappling pins a referee or even a ring this is just a run-of-the-mill tournament fighter oh and even worse the controls are not responsive at all the combos just won't register luckily the big bad wolf is just a big bad [ __ ] and is easy to take down just drop kick him until he dies and i like watching shrek dance while the wolf crumbles to the ground like a sack of potatoes next you fight pinocchio in a village pinocchio is a real [ __ ] not only can he throw objects but he can use his boner nose to hit you from further away oh great now i'm dead did shrek just fart yeah he did it it's not like he got the fart punched out of him he fell over went stiff and then farted which means that he died i mean like his muscles relaxed his sphincter is loosened and fecal matter has escaped so this was his death [ __ ] ah shrek died and had a death [ __ ] if you do get to beat that puppet prick pinocchio you move into the dungeon to fight um the riddler oh no it's just the gingerbread man on candy cane stilts well now he's just there looking pissed off i'd be pissed off too if i was vaporized by a clearly constipated shrek over here next is the swamp where we have a mirror match like in mortal kombat it's shrek on shrek carnage i gotta fight myself and honestly one of the greatest enemies to overcome in your life is yourself so this game is rather poetic you know the mirror matches do show me how great shrek can be to play as if you can actually pull off his special moves he farts fire and projectile vomits across the entire screen shame these controls are such ass i'd love to pull off a ha puken after killing yourself it's off to the wrestling ring really finally it's now a wrestling game nope you just fight the executioner inside of a wrestling ring looking stage bogus in the movie the wrestling ring scene wasn't a real ring it was a horse stable so did the coders not watch the movie anyway the executioner dies and does a flip lastly you head to the mirror room to easily beat lord [ __ ] or whatever his name is and that's it that's the entire game no story no ending no nothing just a screen that says champion and then you're sent back to replay the game as other awful characters you've unlocked i tried some of them too but it didn't make much of a difference after you beat the game once there's no reason to go back zero replay value you know what [ __ ] this game and [ __ ] the game boy movie and [ __ ] the gamecube player thingy whatever and [ __ ] sharktail while you're at it [ __ ] the very plastic this game was made on and [ __ ] the movie shrek it's overrated i don't know why the library of con grass has to have that one what the [ __ ] play time is over oh dear [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey wait i love shrek yeah yeah uh you got a friend in me yeah you got a friend oh that was toy story [ __ ] smack is live well that was some dumb luck uh [Music] oh come on come on i'm almost away from these shrek freaks who the [ __ ] builds their personality on shrek ah broker shrek [ __ ] all right i mean shrek is love shrek is life indeed is our special guest ready for the ritual uh yeah he sure is my booger now if you'll excuse me i have some creepy shrek erotica to write that's the spirit but not right now the ceremony's about to begin [Music] [Applause] [Music] what's the matter with you call that dancing [Music] [Applause] oh [Music] [Applause] oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] shrek [ __ ] smash mouth and [ __ ] you [ __ ] excellent ruse nerd but the game is ogre quit it with the shrek puns already and game over what game the game of the played leading the player you see we sent you that game boy movie yeah no i got that from the library of congress all according to plan shrek's disciples have reached the highest level of government how else would we have gotten shrek into the library of [ __ ] congress so you were testing me don't you see we are testing everyone testing your loyalty to our overlord a test you have failed this is the part where you get sacrificed what you're gonna kill me because i don't like shrek it's a shitty 20 year old movie you people are crazy i don't believe any of this well allow me to make you a believer nerd why what are you thinking oh in the name of god what are you thinking [Applause] aah i'm depressed haven't gone anywhere been stuck in my basement for so long haven't had any natural light in a long time but that's gonna change i'm gonna have some natural light yeah that's what i need you didn't think i meant sunlight did you no i don't need that [ __ ] in fact let's turn out all the lights in here here we go let's turn that off and this one right here yeah there we go that's the way i like it i like it dark man dark man yeah okay i'm sorry no more lame jokes [Music] he's gonna take you back to the past to play the shitty games and suck ass he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear he'd rather eat the rotten [ __ ] [Music] [Music] dark man's one of those games based on a movie a movie that tried to be batman came out the year after you know you heard batman well this is dark man even had danny elfman as the composer they just switched out tim burton for sam raimi and then switched out batman for a scientist who creates lifelike masks out of synthetic faces gets his own face burned by mobsters and then starts wearing the masks as disguises to impersonate and hunt down the bad guys meanwhile going mentally unstable okay it's nothing like batman dark man is like a combination of all the classic horror villains with his disfigured face dark hat and trench coat he looks just like vincent price's character in house of wax when he wears bandages he looks like the invisible man and he also has aspects of phantom of the opera and when he's in his lair surrounded by lab equipment he could be any mad scientist to the 30s so basically it's like if you combined a classic monster with a superhero but in the style of evil dead 2 it's the transition between raymie going from horror to spider-man this is the missing link add in some bizarre humor amazing practical effects and liam neeson screaming at a carnival employee over a pink elephant now the pink elephant if you please no way [Music] [Applause] suck the okay this is one weird movie but it's awesome the movie came out in 1990 but the game came out in 91 which was 30 years ago wow do i feel old well check this out my simon's quest review is now as old as the actual game was when i originally reviewed it so 17 years on one side and 17 years on the other look some dorks online even did the math there's other dates listed too because simon's quest had a japanese nus release and the original nerd episodes were on vhs tape not youtube but all this is way too nerdy even for me regardless i'm old as [ __ ] and so is this shitty game so how does dark man stack up on the nes well let's pop this [ __ ] in and find out [Music] well the first thing i want to say about this game is actually a positive it's got a kicking soundtrack it thumps that bass so hard it sounds awesome [Music] also darkman looks great on the main screen and the selection pointer is his burned and bandaged hand nice touch and it's one of the few movie based games on the nes to do a good job following the story so far this game's not too bad and now we're [ __ ] [ __ ] um [ __ ] [ __ ] [Music] [ __ ] [Music] [ __ ] oh [ __ ] [ __ ] oh you gotta be [ __ ] kidding me what am i doing wrong the controls feel like hell inside an ass seriously i don't feel like any death i get is justified if i were playing like [ __ ] that'd be fine but when the game just refuses to do what the controller tells it to that's goddamn dingo dingleberries that's [ __ ] caked in the ass fur of an australian predator dog it's beyond frustrating because you never know how to approach a new situation the game changes the rules on the fly and gives you barely a second to react so you almost always end up killing yourself in some stupid [ __ ] way i mean should i run and jump or should i jump from a standstill and how do i keep falling through the platforms punching and kicking enemies is a crap shoot i try to run up behind them and beat them down but my punches don't always land it looks like i'm constantly giving the enemies a thumbs up hey good job dude sometimes i win sometimes i don't with no clear rhyme or reason so i watched the demo and it's like the demo from the wizard of oz on super nintendo where not even the game can beat one of its own levels pathetic there does seem to be a lot of variety in the gameplay at least it has platforming weird swinging levels elevator mazes and you get to play as different characters with different abilities but sadly a variety of [ __ ] is still just a bunch of different turds hanging out together kind of like taking a dump the morning after you just binged at a truck stop buffet yeah there was variety but you spent most of day on a toilet and left your ass itchy and raw you know i'm getting shitty game flashbacks i feel like i've played this game before but i haven't oh i know robocop 2 on the nes it reminds me of that i wonder what it could be maybe it's the similar sprite designs or the almost identical level design between the games or maybe it's the sickening color palette that looks like a festering mass of boogers and barf or maybe the real reason is because the same five [ __ ] developed both games yeah no joke the same five people made robocop 2 and dark man on nes i don't know if i should find that impressive or just [Music] i'm learning to live with a lot of things like shitty games what the hell is this [ __ ] what that what is happening right now i heard you were playing dark man for the nes developed by the same people as robocop 2 so i am the robo dark man nerd get it no this is just a regular review there's no skits or anything so get back in that [ __ ] corner and [ __ ] the [ __ ] off you [ __ ] [Music] well that was unnecessary yet oddly relevant because darkman basically ripped off robocop for most of the movie i said it was based on batman but i'm wrong darkman is more like robocop than anything else no wonder the same game designers worked both shitty games when you get a game over dark man cries like a baby and then types out the high scores with his one weird finger dark man really needs to get a copy of mavis beacon teaches typing the levels are pretty short but the finicky controls and terrible physics help pad them out with cheap deaths you can balance on tight ropes which is actually kind of a neat mechanic you have to tap a and b to keep your balance but watch out for the big red bubbles because they'll kill you in one hit yeah just like in the movie dark man's one weakness was red sewer bubbles nah that wasn't a thing you reach the end do a cool cape swoop and then it's on to the next one level two is this maze of elevators the first time you play this i guarantee you will die wow this is exactly what i wanted to play isn't this [ __ ] fun i mean who [ __ ] wants this this is a beginner's trap the only way to get through it is to do it over and over again until you learn exactly which direction you need to push if you did this on your first try it's blind luck i mean this shouldn't be part of the game they might as well just throw in a shitty slide puzzle basically the elevator moves and you have to guide it down the right path and yeah i know there's big arrows telling you where to go but it happens too fast sadly this is just a warm up because the real elevators come later in the game and get way way faster between levels you have these hogan's alley style shooter stages where you need to take a picture of a certain henchman to make a mask of them the first mask you have to get is paulie all these people are shooting at you which can be pretty intimidating but all you have to do is not point your camera at them and they can't hit you just like in real life i don't know if you knew this but if you ever happen to be in a situation where an entire town of people are trying to shoot at you just whip out a camera and point it away from them and they'll all miss you and this time i'm kidding so after you take the photos you play the next level as paulie who looks like uncle fester in a pink sweater swinging around the [ __ ] caveman club and this is one of the parts in the game that's just shits for the birds first off you're fighting your way through central park never mind the fact that it's riddled with bottomless pits soldiers buzz saws and murderous pink fish that kill you in one hit my real question is why the [ __ ] are we in central park dark man takes place in los angeles and was filmed on location there plus canada did dark man get on a [ __ ] plane and fly across the country just for this this is like the background in violence fight why are there so many video games that confuse new york for la whatever this level is more of the same platforming paulie's slow and his club [ __ ] sucks i get my ass kicked by these central park soldiers all the time the next part is an infuriating climb to the top of the level i'm constantly whiffing jumps or just getting my [ __ ] kicked in eventually you square off with paulie he just walks toward you while you beat the ever loving [ __ ] out of him with a club that's it it's possibly one of the most pitiful boss fights i've ever seen in a game also in the movie dark man didn't bludgeon paulie to death in central park paulie was thrown out the window of his apartment the game takes certain liberties once in a while like putting the climactic helicopter chase scene in the middle of the game it's the best action scene in the movie dark man's hanging from the helicopter the grenade launcher shooting at him everything's exploding but in the game however dark man swings through traffic avoiding trucks and buses also there must be a motorcycle rally going on because you pass a bunch of bikers you can collect coins and stuff but i find it easier to just stay up at the top nothing really hits you there except for these stupid [ __ ] pigeons i'm pretty sure that if a bird hit darkman while swinging through the streets at high speeds from a helicopter it'd get obliterated but it flies through you like nothing i should also mention after the first photo shoot level you never play as regular dark man again instead you just play as different henchmen now first you're paulie now you're skip he's the one with the prosthetic leg machine gun yeah seriously if you haven't seen the movie watch it skip hops around constantly and has his leg gun wow it's great to have this leg gun because now you have a long range attack oh but every time you fire it you get sent back and usually over a [ __ ] cliff his levels all take place at a carnival filled with evil clowns throwing bowling balls and pies also whatever you do don't touch the [ __ ] clowns let me ask you something have you ever touched a clown in real life i mean i mean seriously have you ever touched a clown in real life of course you haven't because you'd be dead once at a birthday party a friend of mine he ran up to the clown after the magic act went to hug him he died right on the spot another thing in this level that makes me want to give myself a tabasco enema are these platforms that reverse your controls the first time i landed on it i hopped right off the cliff and died without knowing what the hell happened also this is the level where i realized you have limited continues because the game booted my ass back to the start and wouldn't let me select continue anymore so i had to run through the warehouse again take the pictures bludgeon paulie in central park and swing from the helicopter all over again just to die in the same exact [ __ ] way on my last life again yeah each time i restart i die on the very next obstacle so it's always one step forward and like 10 steps back into a pile of dog [ __ ] thankfully if you enter dermy into the hidden password screen it lets you select your level i'm pretty sure it's supposed to be dermis you know like skin but here it's derma yeah i don't know eventually i got used to each level and got through the fun house and killed skip which is kind of weird because skip is the only bad guy to have his death scene cut from the final movie if it was anything like in the game i can see why it was cut it's on to the next henchman smiley smiley is probably the best because he actually has a decent jump you run around fighting ninjas and then you kick the [ __ ] out of the real smiley and then you're on to another helicopter level so now we're finally at the end and this is where dark man wears the face of durant who's the main villain oh wait durant isn't the main bad guy it's this corporate [ __ ] named strack it's like robocop where the main henchman is more well known than the actual final bad guy in fact durant dies in a helicopter crash in the movie but somehow returns for the sequel dark man 2 the return of durant that would be like robocop 2 the return of clarence botticur doesn't make any sense construction workers throw hammers but luckily you have a gun that shoots well yeah it shoots these oh and there's also two elevator mazes two and they're definitely the worst ones so far they have branching paths that move so fast that i can't even begin to get a rhythm down i replayed each one about 10 times before i was able to figure out the right way made me want to finger [ __ ] a garbage disposal by the time i hit the final level i shared liam neeson's deep-seated hatred for durant and needed to end his life to move on with mine durant then served me my ass on a platter again and a [ __ ] gun getting to durant sucks as it is but when you fight him one wrong move and durant gently nudges you to your death [ __ ] you durant you're gonna die you took my face you took my life yeah [ __ ] yeah durant's dead the movie ends with a cameo of bruce campbell totally unexpected kind of an in-joke but man it leaves off on a great note they could have had that in the game just an 8-bit face of bruce smirking at you but no instead you get a shitty tech screen well played well played if you say so i died only a million times if you say falling through platforms dying on elevator mazes dropping to my doom like i have lead weights up my ass and having button-mashing thumbs-up battles was all smooth and well-played then yeah um sure he must forever walk in the shadow of the dark man as if his shadow is any darker because he's dark man or maybe it's a reference to the shadow the detective character from the 30s which sam raimi supposedly wanted to make a film of but couldn't get the rights so maybe it'll be more accurate to say dark man walks in the shadow of the shadow or it literally means to walk in his own shadow you ever tried to walk in your own shadow it's not easy [ __ ] keeps moving all the time and to do it forever you know chasing the sun around the earth avoiding clouds and never sleeping or eating i'd rather try that than play any more of this [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] [ __ ] this game watch it go [Music] yeah the pink elephant please i'm sorry buddy it don't count unless you're behind the line but i was behind the line not hardly i was sitting right here on the couch now the pink elephant if you please no way i want the pink elephant for the fans watching why don't you just uh get lost pal [Music] elephant quickly didn't you hear me weirdo scram take the elephant take the [ __ ] elephant take the [ __ ] elephant [Music] forgive me [Music] we were somewhere on the edge of the desert when the shitty games began to take hold [Music] wow this game man as your attorney i'm advising you play shack foo on the game boy no more that talker i'll put the [ __ ] leeches on you understand these games are making me lightheaded suddenly there's a terrible roar all around us and all i can see were bats from castlevania bats from zelda ninja gaiden elf home alone bats in every savage game conceivable by rap bastard psychotics bats that camouflage go up and down sideways all swooping and screeching around the car and voices screaming holy sweet jesus with a goddamn batson top gun did you say something man [Music] we had 20 ljn games 10 or more by color dreams we had two sealed copies of jekyll and hyde one of them officially graded we had over 35 copies of e.t a virtual boy a wonder wizard a jvzxi a dendi jr an fm town's marty an aquarius mini expander and a name aprod tvg10 we had all the hellishly intense games with the most grim graphics the most chicken [ __ ] controls and sounds capable of shaking you right down to the core of your spleen with every broken side scroller every cryptic where the [ __ ] do you go type of game and a whole galaxy of multi-fucked bafflers glitchers screamers laughers and a roll of toilet paper also pat country's guide to the snes library the only thing that really worried me was the r zone games there is nothing in the world more helpless irresponsible depraved than a man in the depths of an our zone binge and i knew we'd get into that rotten [ __ ] pretty soon not that we needed all that but once you get stuck playing these foul wretched abominations the tendency is to push it as far as you can move over your [ __ ] bastard your turn to drive fine you drive too slow man we gotta make it to vegas time for the journal it all started 24 hours ago i was in my nerdler playing casino video games [Music] vegas dream on nes and vegas stakes on snes now am i missing something here what's the big idea with playing card games and table games on a video game cartridge when you can play them in real life instead as long as your legal age to go to a casino now of course if you were playing them in a casino you'd be betting real money and chances are losing it but are these games worth the money you'd be losing let's check it out [Music] vegas dreams begins with a plane ride could the game just start in the casino do we need to see how the character got there does his face have to be shrouded in total darkness like a creepy slasher villain did the walls have to be bright neon stripes could you imagine sitting on a plane staring at that maybe vegas dream is a dream or maybe a drug fueled nightmare so you have a choice of blackjack roulette slots and kino if you're already familiar with how those games are played there's really not much else to say the blackjack game is blackjack and it functions fine on the nes except the camera moves back and forth it's nauseating how hard would it have been to fit both your hand and the dealer's hand on the same screen there's plenty of extra space the slot machines are well slot machines you just drop money in pull the lever and see what happens roulette i find to be the most fun because as roulette goes you have a lot more options on where to bet in general it does replicate some of that addictive feeling that comes with gambling it's hard to stop when you have that hunch that the next bet could be the one that wins big [Music] when you win this game's kinda cool but when you lose it sucks in an attempt to make the game a little more interesting other characters will approach you and you're given a choice how to respond for example somebody spills a drink on your jacket and offers to take it to the cleaners if you say yes she steals your wallet which is explained on the news okay first of all how much of an idiot would i have to be to leave my wallet inside my jacket that i give to a stranger and second how slow of a day in the news could it possibly be for that to be on the [ __ ] news well let's see what eight more bits has to offer vegas stakes on super nintendo is in the same vein it begins with a group of people in a car i don't really get the point and all you hear is this strange ominous car engine it's rather unsettling when you arrive in vegas you have a choice of which character to bring with you to the casinos i'm sure there's some reason but i haven't seen these characters interact very much especially zack morris from save by the bell considering he's a teenager and all he should probably stay in the hotel room anyway let's talk about the casino games you can play you can select blackjack slots roulette craps poker or even exit the casino and go to a different one where you can play pretty much the same games but with different dollar mounts the graphics are much nicer than the nes version in roulette you actually see the wheels spin in slots the watermelon actually looks like a watermelon and not a severed crocodile dick just like in the nes version you meet characters who might take your money wait a minute is that lance hendrickson lance hendrickson is telling me to bet on red should i trust him it is lance hendrickson [Music] wow lance hendrickson's an [ __ ] somebody comes up to you and asks if they can hang around you the options are sure why not or beat it you loser damn there's no option to dismiss the person politely might as well have [ __ ] off [ __ ] and witness your loved ones die in hell as their bloody remains get shoved up your ass by satan as he tears your spine out through your dick while okay that's enough i said sure and then a while later it says you felt a bump when the loser walked past you the loser because that's all they are is a [ __ ] loser even the narration is rude and then of course you get robbed [Music] everybody pickpockets here left and right i mean don't casinos have security cameras everywhere well because this lame ass security i quit no i don't when you lose in poker the winner says one day i'll write a book on how to become a millionaire i'll put you in the chapter called sweet losers wow what a [ __ ] [ __ ] and what's up with johnny one minute he looks like a normal guy and then all of a sudden his face twists into the damn joker well that's some freaky [ __ ] of course there exists a ton more casino themed video games there's all those weird unlicensed nes games from panagion like hot slots and peekaboo poker which are nothing more than your regular casino games with occasional nudity thrown in there's also casino on atari um yeah yeah that's some stone age [ __ ] right here one of the better ones is caesar's palace where you can actually walk around the casino yeah kind of like an overly elaborate menu screen what do you want to play next well let's just walk on over in the nes version you could even go to the bathroom a video game character that needs to go the bathroom wow i mean i mean it makes sense mario has got to be holding some titanic turds by the time he gets through but here finally comes a game that addresses this human bodily function otherwise what am i going to explain about all these games i mean when am i going to go into all the rules of blackjack and just get all into it i'll just sound like an instruction manual so i really don't know how to review these games any further so i'm sorry i'm just at a loss here [Music] as your attorney here's what i think you need to do in order to review these games properly you're gonna have to get into the right mindset first you're gonna have to dress the part sunglasses hat hawaiian shirt just like ral duke and hunter s thompson's book fear and loathing in las vegas the book cover based on the movie starring johnny depp based on the book we're gonna arm ourselves to the teeth get a convertible a tape recorder and all the shitty games to harness that old school nerd anger you're right covering these games in any traditional sense will be absurd we gotta do it pure nerd journalism damn right we gotta go to a place where we can see the real casino games where we can smell the cigarettes and whiskey we gotta go to lost vague ass the shack foo game is ass man chill out man play this what's this retro duo portable place nintendo and super nintendo games on the go we can't play this this is donkey kong country right bad games here take one dose of this roadrunner's death valley rally i love the roadrunner cartoons it looks beautiful man colorful graphics fast speed action faithful to the cartoons even as the coyote falling animation how long do i have before i start flipping out it'll be a miracle if you make it much longer at first the game seemed great you just let that coyote bastard chase you he will follow seemed simple but then the benevolent [ __ ] reared its ugly head to say pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name what is this shitload of muck in only a few minutes the game changes from a fun fast-paced speedrunner to a slippery platformer and where the [ __ ] do you go game your speed is either fully running or standing still two-gear diarrhea you must repeatedly tap the d-pad to maintain a medium non-hazardous speed i just want to run i'm the [ __ ] roadrunner god damn it why are all these platforms in the desert anyway these controls are shattered man you must move as slowly as possible [Music] oh [ __ ] man i need the momentum to get up the hill sweet jesus go back get up there hop up like a bunny i'm stuck in a valley come on come on [Music] what the [ __ ] this drags the anal sauce to the back of the brain let's give that boy a lift hey thanks for the ride you sure about this i am playing road runners death valley rally is that up your alley i'm just admiring the shape of your skull uh okay well get in how long could we maintain i wondered before one of us starts raving at this poor guy about lousy game mechanics bats and medusa heads coming down the car no point the poor bastard will see him soon enough you want to play a tiger electronic handheld game um no how about a game come huh never mind now listen this is an extremely dangerous assignment you know the roadrunner right uh sure he runs fast that's his thing but not in this game instead you have to bounce on trampolines to make it to the ledge and one bounce is never enough how can you make a game based on a character who runs when all you do is bounce on trampolines and hop-on platforms imagine if sonic never had the chance to run these dingbat game designers are abusing a beloved character and humping the american dream do you understand me he said he understood but i could tell he didn't um is he okay to drive never mind him now pay attention if you touch a bush it hurts you but you can run through a cactus unharmed explain that to me god almighty [Music] no it's only the beginning of the game why is it so goddamn difficult where do i go i guess down there it takes a leap of faith man [ __ ] those heartless swines give you only three lives no continues those gutless bastards [ __ ] this savage piece of engineering [Music] oh god hey man you scared all spider-man holy [ __ ] that was spider-man so [Music] whoa they fixed this place up pretty good after that monster attacked you actually saw that thing why don't you talk about it more what happens in vegas stays in vegas [Music] the effects of the games were kicking in making us behave like the guy in dark castle total loss of basic motor skills blurred vision you watch yourself behave in this manner but can't control it like the ljn rolling rocker menacing vibrations were all around us we were heading into trouble pushing our luck and i knew we were gonna ride this torpedo turd to a place where the buffalo [ __ ] runs we forgot we got to play casino games oh right let's try caesar's palace the 16-bit graphics take it a step further than its 8-bit predecessor i feel more now like i'm actually walking in a casino this must be what it's like in caesar's palace it's the closest you can get or you could just go to caesar's palace as we observed the various casinos horrible realities began to dawn on us casunos are like video games they're designed like labyrinths such as mylon's secret castle with no clear exit those gutless bastards want you to stay to keep spending your money they lure you in with bright lights pretty graphics like roadrunner it looks nice you get entranced and once you're in you're stuck with no clocks or windows to the outside world you're teased with near winds and games designed to give you the illusion of control casino patrons are the same as video game nerds you either waste your money on the slots and tables or a shitty video game in the retro age we had no internet to tell us if a game was bad it was all a gamble with higher odds to the house take for instance those heartless swines at ljn the big proud golden nugget of [ __ ] you place your bets on jaws fry the 13th and back to the future but chances were you'd roll crabs was it possible that we've gone to such excess that i couldn't look at any game without seeing an introspective nightmare [Music] i was surrounded by semen and somebody was given booze to these goddamn things [Music] we were stuck in a vortex playing whacked out games and there is no telling how deep into degeneracy filth we would go i don't get it what is pack kong is it pac-man donkey kong king kong or transformers you gotta be crazy on acid to think that thing looks like a transformer well it's none of the above just a generic ladder platformer this isn't what i need man right as your attorney i'm advising you to try lsd for the playstation it was only ever released in japan because nobody else could handle it this game i warn you is like one of god's high-powered prototypes a mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production so only play a little bit of it okay at first it seemed like nothing you just walk around aimlessly in 3d environments but then it kicked in it was a fantastic spectacle it was the type of game that short-circuits your brain and grounds it for the longest time possible have we deteriorated to the level of dumb beasts old elephants limp off to the hills to die gamers go to jekyll and hyde but to play something like this defies all reason you play too much man you play too much too much too much don't you come [ __ ] near me it's a game that only attracts a very specific breed there's no goal except to walk around and explore for hours then occasionally a full motion video plays a kid eating [Music] it's a game too weird to exist but too rare to die and certainly impossible to review because there's absolutely nothing to explain the game crept up my spine like the first rising vibe of an acid frenzy my medulla closed itself off from the signals it was getting from the frontal lobes as the middle brain was desperately trying to put a different interpretation of the scene before me [Music] let me try [Music] oh [ __ ] [Music] it was a hell broth of bizarre visuals sprayed with every grim detail besides two smurfs [ __ ] a polar bear it was unfit for mortal eyes i was now on a survival trip heading straight into catatonic despair and manic overload [Music] room service it's the narcs they'll run us down like dogs what you think they're gonna lock us up for playing lsd lock us up no don't kill us man just like an ark drug dealers and junkies get no fair trial the cops just murder you on the spot who smokes the bloods we smoke the bloods rolling make my day [Music] it's a little trick you're a [ __ ] narcotics agent i knew it get a grit man [ __ ] you you [ __ ] pig [ __ ] get a grip [Music] [Music] when i came to there is evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of foul rotten video game known to civilized humans since 1972 a.d these were not the hoof prince of your normal video game addict this was that of a world-class [ __ ] seeker what have we degraded to [Music] what was the meaning of this trip had i come to vegas to work on a review or to reflect on a doom-struck era when an eager gaming culture thought anything with robots ninjas and dinosaurs guaranteed happiness at 50 bucks a hit that retro age was a special time to be a part of no words can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive when any game based on batman the simpsons or ninja turtles had to be awesome there was a fantastic universal sense that we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful pop culture neon wave and now you can stand at the top of a steep hill of the modern decade and look to the past and with the right kind of eyes you can see that place where the wave broke and rolled back leaving behind a failed generation of [ __ ] seekers but i now look to the light at the end of the tunnel there is only one road back to the past interstate shitty just a flat out high speed burn over dead skunks and road turds then onto the disenchanted freeway straight into frantic oblivion safety obscurity just another nerd in the nerd kingdom [Music] [Music] is [Music] he's the angry video game nerd you know i'm sick of all these baby toys i have lying around the sega genesis super nintendo might as well be a rattle and a diaper full of crap they can't compare to the real gaming juggernaut the 3do yeah look at that this is the real console more like a real piece of dog [ __ ] the fact they had the audacity to make a commercial calling all other systems baby toys and then put out a glorified fmv player with barely any decent games blows my mind also something i want to mention the 3do is one of the rare consoles where you have to daisy chain the controllers together i've talked a little about the system before and i never knew a single person who owned it when it came out now why is that maybe because when it launched this [ __ ] bastard cost 700 goddamn dollars yeah that's right and we're talking 700 back in 93. to compare that to prices nowadays with inflation 700.93 equates to about 1200 in 2021 money the playstation 5 costs 600 right now imagine that pitch to your parents hey dad i need 700 for a new 3do console be cheaper for them to slap you upside the head with the neogeo cartridge your parents would probably flip you off and tell you to go [ __ ] yourself the 3do would eventually be price dropped to [ __ ] and discontinued after three years on the market it was mostly marketed as a multimedia machine it had a bunch of non-game kind of [ __ ] like educational shovelware and of course a whole ass load of soft stool porn games like a lot of porn can you imagine i mean you don't want to imagine a guy in his living room with a 3do controller in one hand and is you know in the other hand just furiously beating it to plumbers don't wear ties today i'll just be focusing on the shallow end of the cesspool with some piss-poor games when the system launched there was only one game available crash and burn that's such a kick in the [ __ ] balls especially for the price imagine dropping 700 on an nes and the only game at launch was super pitfall it starts with about 15 minutes of full motion video and production logos you'll see as i go on that this becomes the [ __ ] theme of the 3do 20 minutes of fmv and about five minutes of gameplay because i end up shutting most these games off from boredom crash and burn is a futuristic fecal fart fest combat racing game made by crystal dynamics the company best known for the legacy of kane series and later the tomb raider series the game has six characters you can choose from and each one cuts to a promo when you select them i like to destroy racers in many different ways just to keep from being bored i like this guy because he looks like blanca from street fighter became a professor or something you can also play as rod stewart if you want so you might be thinking to yourself this doesn't look all that bad but think about this if you wanted to play this back in 93 you'd have to drop about 750 dollars and that's not mentioning the fact that a complete copy can run you around 700 today the combat's pretty lame the weapons feel like they do absolutely nothing and the racing is mediocre at best i guess the graphics looked impressive back in 93 but give me f-zero any day of the week because crash and burn is just plain zero if combat racing is your thing road rash on the other hand is excellent everything about this game is great from the gameplay to the rockin ass soundtrack my only real complaint is the engine sound it's awful luckily you can turn it off but if you don't all you hear is a high-pitched [Laughter] the entire race [Music] you can choose to either race or play the big game mode this lets you earn money by racing and buy better bikes the character designs are hideous it looks like a fish-eyed acid trip real 90s style [ __ ] i usually pick slimgen because he starts off with a club hearing that clunk sound every time i cave in a rider's skull is so satisfying in between races you get these fmv cutscenes they're pretty cool overall this is probably the best game on the 3do definitely in the top five but like a lot of the other games on here it's available on the playstation or saturn and nowadays the 3do copy can cost you upwards of 80 dollars for a complete one so just get it on playstation for 20 bucks another game you could also get on the playstation is gex crystal dynamics is entry into the 3do mascot contest the game uses pre-rendered 3d graphics for character sprites it reminds me of donkey kong country another game i'd much rather be playing on the internet this game gets talked about a lot but the funny thing is everyone always shows the graveyard level probably because the game is so boring everyone turns it off once they've recorded enough footage it's an okay platformer and gex was able to jump ship when the 3do died out the same can't be said for the 3do's true mascot however captain quasar this game also uses the pre-rendered sprite look but plays like an overhead shooter instead of a platformer the gameplay is fine but it's super repetitive you just run around shooting stuff the camera snaps and swings around like it's being controlled by a drunk uncle out of family reunion kind of makes me sick captain quasar is making me captain queasy sorry the best part of this game is the insane musical number at the beginning the robots are rapping and singing about crapton quasar the animation's pretty decent but it seems like they put way more effort into this intro than the actual game [Music] here's a weird one soccer kid you play as this little [ __ ] that runs around kicking a soccer ball at people i guess the story is that some space pirates steal a soccer trophy or something then they crash and the pieces fly all over the world and you have to collect them it's animated like a dollar store bootleg dvd use your soccer ball as a weapon but without it you're just some [ __ ] kid without powers or any way to attack or defend yourself i played this game long enough to realize that i don't really like it and would rather base jump into a flea market portage on than play anymore also i don't know what this kid did but everyone in this town wants to [ __ ] kill him dogs skateboarders and especially these surly looking guys who whip wrenches at his head how [ __ ] up is that this kid's willing to travel the world to save a soccer trophy but grown adults will cave his skull in with a wrench to stop him this game is [ __ ] up battle chest is a game i remember thinking was an awesome idea that is until i actually played it it's possibly the slowest game of chess i've ever witnessed yeah each time a piece moves you have to watch it walk to the spot and these characters walk slower than compacted [ __ ] out of sloth's [ __ ] shoot i was playing this [ __ ] for almost 10 minutes before anything actually happened eventually i just started sacrificing pieces just to see the kill animations which i'll admit are [ __ ] stupendous i love the monty python reference with the knight but that's all it is it's the world's slowest chess simulator i'd be fine if the pieces didn't need to slowly saunter over to each space i can't believe they made a video game that's actually slower and more boring than an actual chess game you'd have a better time watching a dog turd turn white and yes real chess is awesome it's the intellectual [ __ ] man the horde is a game that's usually praised as one of the best games on the system it's fine you play as kirk cameron swinging around a giant sword yes you actually play as kirk cameron there's an intro cut scene that of course goes on for like 10 minutes kirk saves a king from choking to death and return is given his own plot of land and a big ass sword you spend your time building traps planting trees and raising cattle so you can pay your taxes in between building phases your town gets attacked by trolls so kirk runs around swinging his sword like a maniac and slashing the trolls into puddles of liquid it's a decent game but i can't imagine playing this for long periods of time there's nothing super wrong with the game it just gets old pretty quick another decent game for the 3do is super street fighter 2 turbo well it would be decent in fact it could have been the best home console incarnation of the street fighter 2 lineage that existed back in the day but there's one problem one huge problem the 3do controller has only three buttons that ain't gonna work everyone knows you need six so i got the pro pad which has the same button configuration as a super nintendo controller and we all know street fighter worked great on the super nintendo four buttons on the front two on the top there's your six you're all set but this controller you wouldn't believe the bottom button x is actually the start button and it can't even be changed in the option menu you can reassign all the other buttons except start so when you're trying to fight you're gonna keep accidentally pausing the game that [ __ ] sucks and this thing was made by std you'd be better off getting a real std than getting this [ __ ] so what you really need to get is the weird ass capcom fight pads that you had to send away for they're one of the dumbest shaped controllers i've ever seen though surprisingly comfortable also the music in the game is awesome it's an arranged version of the original and sounds great so this one is good as long as you get the right controller but you want to see some [ __ ] right well check out way of the warrior this game was developed by naughty dog before they made hits like crash bandicoot imagine mortal kombat if nobody gave two flying shits about it the ninja character in the game is just named ninja a ninja named ninja you can't get any lazier than that [ __ ] also what in the [ __ ] hell is a shaky jake each character plays like cheap chump [ __ ] they jump like 40 feet in the air and you can get caught in infinite downward attacks until you're [ __ ] dead in 10 seconds the special attacks are more like [ __ ] spectacles and don't even get me started on the fatalities because they are just confusing as all hell i see your heart beats from me an honorable mention is the soundtrack that just plays an endless string of white zombie songs i'm pretty sure that's where the entire budget went because the game is programmed like someone wrote the code with their ball sacks anyway the game sucks next virtuoso this is a rare kind of game that makes you question the very meaning of [ __ ] i don't even know where to begin first off i can't get over the music just listen to it sounds like they hired the band that got last place in the battle of the bands at the east [ __ ] community center all the music by a band called thai died spelled t-h-a-i hmm i tried to look them up on google but all i got was articles on people in thailand who died well that's pretty depressing i'm guessing that band name didn't go very far you play as a leathery long-haired dirt bag with dual shotguns and shoot the [ __ ] out of seagulls weird faceless dudes wasps and ed209s you could either get your ass to mars the beach or boo haunted house the haunted house level makes no sense either it's just a snow field with a bunch of giant snowmen rolling their balls at you you can move up against the walls but the controls get [ __ ] if you come across a copy of virtuoso somewhere throw it in the old trashuoso alone the dark one and two are a couple games that are known for their influence for the resident evil series they're basically resident evil if every character was played by a diseased muppet the tank controls are far worse than resident evil if you can believe it everything moves at a snail's pace the graphics i'm sure at the time were decent but everything looks like a pulsating mass of polygonal and pixelated poopoo anything in the distance looks like a blob of geometry jism and i can't get anywhere in the game without dying being the first of its kind is a tough deal basically this game walked so resident evil could run but right now these games are giving me the runs siberia is a baffling mess it looks like another resident evil type game but if resident evil has tank controls siberia has septic tank controls basically you point the character in the direction you want to go and a video of him walking plays the best part of this game is the death animations you also die from the stupidest [ __ ] possible he dies from slipping in a puddle and also from touching this hot barrel he's probably the most inept hero i've ever seen in a video game eventually you get to a part where you're defending the base from a bunch of pictures of aircrafts and boats i don't know if this is the rest of the game but it goes on forever it's like if top gun on the nes barfed into the where did you learn to fly woman's mouth so we've covered a bunch of games so far horror games combat racing platformers fighters and whatever the ever loving [ __ ] virtuoso is but now let's get into the premiere genre of the 90s the first person shooters first up is poet no actually it's pod this game is just weird as [ __ ] you play as an intergalactic chef who's the last living member of his ship's crew you fight evil alien asses and other ugly as sin monsters with a frying pan the movement of this game gives me severe motion sickness i've played a lot of early first person shooters but this one just moves like you're ice skating after downing a bottle of ipac syrup i have the urge to violently projectile vomit after a few minutes of this and not just because it kind of sucks but here we go the granddaddy of [ __ ] first person shooters on the 3do doom and i know you're wondering how could you have the audacity to spray steamy foamy diarrhea on doom but hear me out doom on the 3do is not doom it's a sad excuse for doom doom on a ti-83 graphic calculator would play better than this i want to be known this game was ported over by one person tasked with making this game happen and only equipped with two [ __ ] sticks to rub together in just 10 weeks what you get is doom running at about the frame rate of a view master seriously this game at the lowest setting runs at almost single digit frame rates and plays like a [ __ ] lawn chair there's actually a code for larger screen sizes but it's way worse it's almost hard to believe this would be allowed to be released at retail but it was the 90s look at all the broken-ass [ __ ] that was allowed to pass elsewhere this was the system that brought you such gems as plumbers don't wear ties and shadow war of succession on to the next game you can't mention the 3do without mentioning demolition man the thing that stuns me about this game is the amount of actual stallone that is in the game you don't just get movie clips like you would with most games you get sylvester stallone running around fake backgrounds on a green screen it's incredible the game skirts the line between a light gun shooter and a first person shooter imagine doom if you just stood still while enemies popped up around you oh and don't forget the mortal kombat style boss fights this game is definitely a product of its time maybe i'll get into it more another day because i suck ass at the fighting scenes speaking of games with known actors in it check out hell which has dennis hopper it's a cyberpunk fmv game but all you need to know it's called hell and has dennis [ __ ] hopper on to the mother lode of 3d oh [ __ ] american laser games so this company put out a bunch of awful shit-stained light gun games their most notable ones were the mad dog mccree games but they also made the crime patrol series the mad dog mccree games are spaghetti western type light gun shooters that use interactive full motion videos they're fun as a novelty but considering the price of the light gun and the games plus the actual 3do you'd be spending around 900 to play them back in 93. plus nowadays the gun is super rare and can go for almost the price of the 3do console is it worth it well not the [ __ ] really especially since you need a crt to play it with but if all you had was one of these new hd tv things well then you're gonna have to use the regular 3do controller or the mouse yeah the mouse you have to be rich as [ __ ] to collect 3do games or just happen to have a family member that owned a panasonic store in the 90s special thanks to my buddy rob for letting me borrow all his expensive [ __ ] so i can rip it apart with criticism 30 years later the first mad dog mccree game can only be played with the gun or the controller with the controller it's impossible you have to move the cursor down to the bottom of the screen to reload and it moves super slow by the time you reload and move it back up you're already dead mad dog mccree 2 lets you use the mouse but it sucks balls you start off shooting [ __ ] with this old dude and then come across a guy that's riddled with arrows like god damn that dude should be dead as [ __ ] before you even talk to him then it's a miracle if you get past the first group of dudes shooting at you the hitbox is not only small as [ __ ] but it's timed if you don't shoot the extremely small target before it expires you're dead it's the same in crime patrol some of the enemies aren't able to hit right away then you have a split second when they're able to be shot to get them if not you get made fun of for dying you'll never make sergeant sorry partner you just don't know beans about shooting down here we just got shooting like that bad you're dead that's not good is it yeah you think that's normal for a cop or sheriff to make fun of their dead partner for getting killed these people are [ __ ] up beyond all recognition fubar if you will sometimes it's hard to even see where the enemies are like in a dark room they're just pixels how am i supposed to hit them without the gun these games are pig [ __ ] in the wind even with the mouse they're just weird to play i can't stop dying over and over it's sad because the sequel to crime patrol drug wars is hilarious it opens with this dude doing the world's worst tony montana impression i am locals i have the mansion i have the money i have the drugs i have the power then you're working with officer hillbilly running you down all the drug operations in this hick [ __ ] town wherever they film this but even with the gun these games seem insanely difficult unless you know every single thing that's about to come at you they're definitely interesting with their mix of live action video and gameplay maybe i'll do an episode on american laser games in the future maybe but for now these games can [ __ ] off so i've gone through a pretty big list of games and while i can't play every 3do game there is one i have left that's haunted me since 2007. now we got corpse killer unfortunately i can't even show you much about this game because it keeps freezing i actually had a lot to say about this one but right now it's not [ __ ] working corpse killer consider yourself lucky that's right [Applause] he's the angry video game well here we are over a decade later and i'm actually going to torture myself with this ass pile of a game i first mentioned corpse killer in the sega cd episode way back in 2007 so i shelved it and haven't thought about it since then which is like pissing up a drainage pipe it comes right back it's also like on thanksgiving when your family's sitting around the couch watching football after dinner just blowing hot turkey farts into the cushions then a week later you plop down the couch and that weak old turkey fart cloud envelops you well that's corpse killer and now after all that time i'm still not reviewing the sega cd version i'm reviewing the 3do version instead why is that because they're all the same you couldn't even take two shits as identical as this [ __ ] it was on pc macintosh and if you really want to get down to business there's the sega cd 32x version meaning you have to own both shitty consoles just to play the same thing first of all how does that work one system uses cartridges and the other uses cds it's not like the game is a compact cartridge disk hybrid i know that would be pretty amazing but it's just a cd and second what kind of marketing tactic was that the 32x alone was a failure so making special games that require both 32x and sega cd was just forcing a failure on top of a failure and since they only made six games like this i'm guessing didn't do too well there is also an enhanced version on the saturn corpse killer graveyard edition it's still pretty much the same but it goes full screen and even has zombies that get all up in your face what really wrenches my taint though is the fact that someone ported this abomination to modern consoles there's a copy for the ps4 and the switch in full hd corpse killer in high definition more like high defecation the fact there's still enough demand for a game this shitty even today blows my mind with all the actual good [ __ ] out there that deserves a remake or hd edition we get corpse killer on the ps4 what the hell man so what is corpse killer or more specifically what is acorp's killer how could anyone kill corpses it would be like toasting toast in a toaster once it's toast that's what it is it used to be bread so you never put toast in a toaster actually that's not true if you're not satisfied with how toasted your toast is you could put it back in the toaster come to think that i do that all the time because it's not like you can see the toast when it's in the toaster you can't tell if that toast is as pale as a ghost or overdosed utmost roast what game are we talking about now oh yeah corpse killer i will not say toast for the rest of this goddamn review [Music] alright game you're getting reviewed now it's a baffling mess of [ __ ] graphics piss-poor control and vomit-inducing sound all set to a backdrop of a low-budget b-movie the b-movie part is fine but when you mix a b-movie with a shitty game it's like making cake batter out of monkey barf and horse piss all the live-action scenes were directed by john lafia the writer of child's play and director of child's play too no kidding sandwiched in between the cut scenes are levels where you play as a nameless marine and walk slowly to the right on some jittery-ass backgrounds scale and perspective have absolutely zero meaning on this island there's a bunch of airplanes in this level that look smaller than the zombies and here there's giant [ __ ] skeletons all over the place seriously look how giant these [ __ ] skeletons are kind of reminds me of terminator 2 the arcade game if they made the whole game over a weekend calling corpse killer a game is far more than it deserves you'd have more fun navigating a dvd menu with your dick tip so anyway the object of the game is to save all your fellow marines from the evil dr hellman i'm guessing he decided to give up on his mayonnaise empire and move on to raising an army of voodoo zombies for world domination or some [ __ ] hellman is played by vincent ciavelli you might remember him as the hobo ghost from ghost who teaches patrick swayze how to use his ghost powers so you parachute in and get attacked here you meet your two companions winston your driver and guide and julie a no-nonsense reporter looking for the scoop on the zombie-infested island they're only in the game to move the story along and shuttle your ass to areas filled with zombies that can only be beaten by walking to the right you walk to the right in a village a swamp the beach old temples and airports there's a ton of places you walk to the right and that's all you [ __ ] do from now until you beat the game or say [ __ ] it and shut it the hell off on your way you can collect special bullets they're required to kill the boss enemies and these weird jack-o-lantern looking guys but they barely give you any throughout the game the first time you get to a place where you actually need to use them i only had 25 which wasn't enough to do [ __ ] you need to get the special bullets without them you can't beat the boss but the game doesn't have the courtesy to give them to you so i just keep getting to the same point and dying over and over at one point i start hitting random buttons thinking it might do something and it did alright it kicked me out of the [ __ ] level hitting the c button stops the game dead in its tracks and kicks you out to this weird menu screen if they put the option to abort the level in the pause menu i'd be fine with it but making it a regular button that you're more likely to hit by accident is just [ __ ] and i know for a fact it also does this in the sega cd 32x version and if you want to confirm i'm guessing it probably does that in the regular sega city version as well so somebody must have thought it was a good idea oh yeah it was a real good idea so anyway i get to this menu and all it does is show you pictures of enemies and other crap it doesn't give you any useful info or anything so why even have it eventually i found out how to get back into the game by selecting the map this is where the game switches things up a bit you can go back to the main game but it starts you at the beginning no matter how far you got this really scraped my scrotum i hit one [ __ ] button by accident and i'm booted back to square one if you want you could actually do some side quests also depending on what you choose you can do missions that get you health power-ups special ammo or you can choose to do quests for winston or julie if you help winston he just finds a bunch of treasure and talks more [ __ ] that's it it has absolutely no bearing on the game whatsoever if you help julie you get some backstory into the events in the game all in all these quests are just a waste of [ __ ] time the last thing i want to do when i'm playing a horrible mess of a game is extend the duration of suckery and do unnecessary garbage so the first level you have to beat is zombie town it's just a giant wall with zombies throwing a bunch of crap at you it's pretty easy but you have to play the same exact level like five [ __ ] times throughout the game after you beat it you can either choose the village or the swamp it's the same thing either way you fight the same four enemies until you walk far enough to the right and the game progresses other than the regular zombies there's these weird shadow guys walking around they're just lazy pallet swaps of the same zombies just without any color or detail so if you shoot them while they're dark you get hurt you have to wait till they light up then they kill every zombie on screen oh and about those jack-o'-lantern zombies they're completely immune to normal bullets only the special bullets kill them but you need to save the special bullets to kill the boss so you have a decision to make either take a hit and lose life or use that special precious ammo all the zombies look like absolute ass they slide all over the backgrounds and look like they're hanging by wires because i'm pretty sure they actually were some are wearing whatever clothes they showed up in and others have shitty halloween masks on they look like they just went into the halloween section of a dollar store and bought up anything they could on november 1st you eventually make your way inside the fortress which is filled with a bunch of middle-aged dads and pink shirts i guess they're zombies but they look like a bunch of golfers wandering around an ancient temple eventually one of the zombified marines attacks you and you have to turn them back by using the special ammo that is if you have any by this [ __ ] point because i didn't i got to this part five times and never had enough ammo to finish it so i had to abort the level and start all over again i wasted more time on this than i want to admit i mean who wants to go around telling people that they played corpse killer for eight hours over their weekend you sound like a psycho especially if you set it to a random person on the street so i'm not proud of this but after getting absolutely nowhere for hours i had to use cheats i know it's [ __ ] up the 3do doesn't have a game genie but it does have the game guru there ain't no magic on this console there wasn't even an infinite ammo code just one that gives you a lot of bullets even cheating on the 3do sucks balls eventually i got up to the boss and changed them back i gotta say i really hate this game but it's kind of hilarious after you change your buddy back you hang out with them and drink some [ __ ] out of a skull that replenishes your health and then head back to defend the graveyard so the graveyard serves as your home base in all this i mean that's pretty smart the heroes decide that the best possible place they could make a home base during a zombie apocalypse there's a [ __ ] graveyard so from here you run through the village head to the fortress fight more jack-o'-lanterns and sad golfing dads then save another marine rinse and repeat that's it oh and every time i go through a cycle of levels i have to reset delete my previous save then go back to the game guru to put the code back in if merriam webster called asking for the dictionary definition of tedious i'd say this this right here all that [ __ ] just so i can see these oscar-worthy cutscenes [Music] apparently transforming back from a zombie makes you feel like you just [ __ ] lava into your boxer briefs after repeating this four [ __ ] times you finally face off against mr mayonnaise himself dr hellman and it's one of the most incredible sights i've ever seen in fmv history and i say that without an ounce of sarcasm [Laughter] because we are the new [Music] oh good lord [Applause] the final boss of this game is a jpeg of vincent schiavelli's face spitting an endless stream of zombies at you you know i'd find this whole fight hilarious if it weren't the most frustrating thing possible basically i don't even know if i'm winning or not zombies just shoot out infinitely as the picture shifts around and gets more and more ugly the problem with this fight is you have to beat two levels before it and if you get hit on either of those levels chances are you're completely [ __ ] for the boss fight seriously this fight goes on forever hundreds of zombies fly at you literally hundreds i spent about an hour on this fight alone because i died about a shitload of [ __ ] times it was demoralizing [Music] it's okay death is really really cruel imagine trying to build something out of legos but every five minutes someone comes into the room smashes what you've built and shits on them and then you have to start over using the poopy legos that's what this boss is in a nutshell if you actually manage to beat this [ __ ] you get treated to a hilarious death scene [Music] then you get a bunch of stock clips of fighter jets shooting cartoon lasers at the base until it explodes oh also you get to see julie in a swimsuit for some reason how when and why the hell she changed into a swimsuit makes no sense my guess is they needed something to ease the pain of having to spend your weekend slogging through this useless excuse for a video game all in all corpse killer is just a waste of disc the entire budget no doubtedly went to the production of the b-movie scenes and barely any effort went into the actual game part of the [ __ ] video game this is why fmv games were a dead fad more than anything else people focused so much on the hardware capabilities back then and the bits and the graphics if you're amused by watching shitty movies and pressing buttons this is right up your alley more like right up your ass now hopefully i didn't mention any other awful games in past episodes that you're going to want me to torture myself with oh no cliffhanger this time okay all right well i'll see you next time but for now it's time to kill this corpse [ __ ] [Music] he's the angry video gamer when it comes to video game promotions one of the weirdest was sega's hotel sponsorship i cut my thumb did you even know that howard johnson was the official hotel for sega fun did you even know what a howard johnson was well if you didn't this long-haired byproduct of 90s stereotypes and corporate greed will drill it into your soul today we're going to find out why cool kids go ho joe with sega what the hell is hojo you'll find that out too imagine for a moment you're trying to have a relaxing stay at a hotel but this deranged anal belch of a human assaults your senses at every step while he tries to force you to play game gear because he's obsessed with two things and two things only howard johnson and game gear and that's what we're talking about today an awful line of vhs tapes called sega game gear tips they were sold at howard johnson in the mid 90s in today's age video game information can be found everywhere but back then you had to get magazines or in some case vhs tapes like those secret video game strategy tapes that i actually rented from the video store it was the first time i remember seeing recorded video game playback aside from commercials at the time i thought it was amazing nintendo produced a lot of these during the snes and n64 generation it was an experimental era as many of these tapes were pretty awkward this isn't right because i didn't i just got a done i didn't go all the way up the wall so i can't say disappearing i didn't go all the way up and i would climb i went up the wall and fell and just pushed the button and fell i just remember that right when i was sega game tips sometimes called sega game gear tips is a series of sponsored sega game related videos that are some of the weirdest things i've ever watched i mean almost as weird as plumbers don't wear ties of the four tapes three of them star this annoying 90s [ __ ] who sounds like i don't know a mix of gambit from x-men and foghorn leghorn maybe because next to sega video games food is my favorite thing in the technical jungle they were sometimes sponsored by different companies like oscar mayer and post serial but the ones we're talking about today are for howard johnson hotels the post serial one also has the same guy as the howard johnson tape michael b he's one of the most annoying characters in the world he's basically what you get when a bunch of out out-of-touch corporate morons try to appeal to the youth of the 90s what am i doing what so obviously the tapes were made to promote sega and if you were staying at a howard johnson you could rent a game gear i guess mostly for parents to occupy their kids with it's kind of like when you go into a hotel and there's a game console built into the tv you could also get a vhs tape or a fun pack that was filled with stickers and buttons and [ __ ] two different tapes were released during the promotion they're exactly the same except for the game gear tips which suck balls anyway the video is just a thinly veiled advertisement with some [ __ ] game tips sprinkled in once in a while and trust me calling them tips is generous they're usually something anyone could figure out easily by just playing the damn game this tip for taz is literally how to go through a door thank god i have a tape that tells me the basic functions how else would i have figured out the way to go through a door is to go through the [ __ ] door the tips are there just to make you forget you're watching a long howard johnson commercial that's what this is except it's a commercial you pay 10 bucks for the video's plot yes plot is beyond absurd it starts with this cranky ass business guy who just wants to relax at howard johnson but everywhere he goes he's pestered by this long-haired douchebag who tries to force him to play game gear the camera work and editing is some of the most annoying [ __ ] you could imagine the camera is always moving like the operator filmed it while being beaten by rabid baboons there's also a strobe light or something that keeps going off this tape is an assault to your senses it's like some kind of cia torture method i'd rather hook my balls to a car battery he also has possibly the most irritating catch phrase i've ever heard and you know sir that howard johnson is the family vacation hotel and kids go paul joe with a saga so what is hojo i think it's some kind of abbreviation of howard johnson but i've never heard one person in my entire life say go hojo imagine stopping at some shitty hotel and all the kids there are running around with their faces glued to these low-res game gear screens screaming hojo who said that who said hojo if i knew anyone who ran around with the game gear and screamed hojo and they weren't trying to be ironic i'd [ __ ] out my dick that's a real stretch to try to make the name howard johnson sound cool to 90s preteens that's like the chain restaurant buffalo wild wings it's sometimes called b-dubs yeah i've heard people call it that and it actually shows up on their menus but come to think of it b-dubs puts a smile on my face i i'm calling a [ __ ] b-dubs also instead of hojo should it be hau jaw because it's howard johnson why am i thinking so deeply into this [ __ ] i'd rather talk about b-dubs [ __ ] b-dubs yeah so anyway this poor guy just wants to take a nap but everywhere he goes he's hounded by this crazy dude it's like the plot of a looney tunes cartoon what'd you bring me daddy he always speaks an extreme close-up and with all these trippy angles flashes and jump cuts it comes off like he's some kind of pushy drug dealer from a public service announcement it's almost like the game gear is the drug it actually feels like it's trying to advertise not to play game gear every so often this weird disembodied head pops up and gives random tidbits about the sega promotion from memorial day weekend to labor day weekend a child accompanied by adults staying at howard johnson has a choice of a free fun pack or say a game gear game tip video but without a kid you grownups have to pay for it who is that guy beats me i thought it was with you i guess he's like the hotel's lawyer or something it's a good thing they have one because if i were this businessman i'd sue the dick off this hotel chain for causing me anxiety like [ __ ] if the guy doesn't want to play a [ __ ] game gear then just leave them alone so after some more shitty game tips the business guy goes to grab some food and of course the same guy is also the waiter what a wacky [ __ ] never mind i just want to get something to eat no problem sir our specials today are the sonic salad a knuckle knockwurst knuckles knockwurst sounds messed up makes me think they ground up knuckles into a sausage seeing how [ __ ] up this hotel is i wouldn't be surprised i'd rather stay at the bates motel or the [ __ ] overlook so the same thing keeps happening over and over for the entire tape business guy wants to do something long hair jackass whips out a game gear tells him how howard johnson is the official hotel of sega video game fun and then the business guy has a mental breakdown it's like a nightmare eventually the business guy heads to his room where it just so happens a member of the housekeeping staff is fixing up so he walks in sees this attractive woman and then oh no he turns into a total creep and starts putting on the moves oh holy [ __ ] [ __ ] this is so insanely inappropriate it's unbelievable they let this pass in an advertisement for a hotel it's another reason why this tape could never exist today if something's not quite right just let us know if it's within our control we'll make a right or that night is free well that's very nice but things take a twist because when she turns around take one guess who she is yep you guessed it it's the crazy dude in disguise complete with pigtails then the business guy passes out [Music] so after all the different types of harassment we've witnessed in this psychotic hotel the businessman finally decides to play the game gear and enjoys it he reacts to it like someone's tickling his anus after all that it's time for him to head out hopefully to b-dubs this next part puts a nice little bow on this package of flaming dog [ __ ] check this out first the guy pulls some sick moves when he's leaving i love how they try to make his little jump look badass they put in slow-mo and add some kind of shake effect like this dude push the entire earth down and then he bumps into the car after he gets in the car he gives the crazy dude his tip the game gear and then he turns into the crazy dude oh what a [ __ ] twist oh oh b-dubs then we get a closing voice-over like a shitty version of the twilight zone it even goes to black and white with the crazy dude using rod sterling quotes like little did he suspect now little did he suspect that i was all waiting for him right here at this howard johnson rod sterling's spinning in his grave so hard he's probably drilled to the center of the earth by now to sum it up this might be the worst gaming thing i've ever seen and the worst thing the 90s has to offer in general it's numbing [ __ ] your grandparents could have returned it'll make you avoid a howard johnson hotel at any cost where kids go ho joe you you'd rather jump in a pool a venomous snake then stay here you'll want to shove our game gear or power johnson's [ __ ] sure a game gear inside of howard johnson's [ __ ] sideways is what you call a fart fought fun back and that is packing in the fun it's a shell out of [ __ ] it's a bull [ __ ] b-dubbing [ __ ] sucker of [ __ ] and i don't like it welcome to the next level stay up easy angry video game nerd what happens when you combine cars with arm again you get [Music] carmageddon yeah carmageddon sounds like a joke somebody came up with in two seconds but the real joke is that it actually got made into a game truth be told carmageddon was actually pretty well received when it was released for pc in 97. it's basically a vehicle combat game and was supposed to be a tie-in for the death race 2000 sequel but the movie got [ __ ] canned and the developers decided to just go ahead and make the game they wanted to make license be damned it did well enough to get a sequel car apocalypse now released the following year the soundtrack included carmageddon it by def leppard no that's not true but i wish it was it was popular enough to get a port on the nintendo 64. it was to be published by interplay but before that could happen titus bought them out and yes it's the very same titus that published superman 64. in the interest of maximum profit they rushed this game out as fast as possible which resulted in one of the absolute worst games on the nintendo 64. imagine owning a video game company and your claim to fame is having made two of the worst games on the n64 what an achievement but let's talk about the game itself there's a number of different modes you can play including the head butting mode you know what that's the best one watching that is much more fun than playing the game but then again so is playing turd pinata the main mode is carmageddon it even has a story and takes place in the year 2026. global warming gets so bad that the air toxins begin resurrecting the dead well that's something to look forward to the game has two racers to choose from max damage and diana oh boy max damage is a bright red bald guy and diana looks like someone farted in her face there's a few different methods to complete a level you can go through any of the laps like a normal racing game destroy all the other cars or kill all the zombies on the map yes zombies in a racing game the pc version was known for killing humans and was very gory blood and limbs were splattering everywhere but this version just has zombies dripping green ooze it's kind of like mortal kombat on the super nintendo how the blood was changed gray in germany the zombies were swapped out for dinosaurs hey kids like dinosaurs it went from this to this the stages in this game include beaver city beaver country quarry or beaver city again well this game sure has an obsession with beavers if you happen to go over a jump you might do a stunt and then a message scrolls across the screen that reads cunning stunt bonus the first time i saw it my brain mashed the words together forcing dirty thoughts just like the metallica live vhs tape cunning stunts true story back in the 90s i was listening to the radio one of the local rock stations the dj was talking about it and he slipped up and said stunning [ __ ] then he tried to forget about it but 25 years later i still remember this game was given a mature rating but between all the beaver titus and cunning stunt talk it's only inspired me to be as immature as possible the courses are all hopelessly generic with featureless uninspired bland voids i doubt the developers were at fault and the issues were more likely because titus didn't give the team enough time to make something playable but what can you really expect of a company called titus alright enough of that joke you want to know the real joke the controls this is a [ __ ] joke and a sick demented one the car barely turns half the time you're crashing or getting stuck up walls this is compounded by the drunken camera angles while you're driving it'll shift randomly and jerk you around it's like some [ __ ] in the passenger seat just yanking the steering wheel every few seconds just jerking and yanking jerking and yanking the camera even gets hung up on the walls when the race starts what the hell is it doing power-ups are scattered around the level but good luck making use of them they're usually [ __ ] dumb like stick insect zombies knight of the what the living [ __ ] there's also a power up that gives the zombies big stupid heads but it's so far away by the time you actually find any zombies the power up wears off and i really wanted to see the goddamn big stupid heads the absolute worst thing about the game is how bad the sense of direction is take a good game like mario kart for example it always lets you know which way you should be headed and if you go the wrong way it tells you with carmageddon 64 no such luck if you happen to go off course just a little bit which will definitely happen you're [ __ ] yes there are arrows which are supposed to clue you in but they don't show up often enough so you just drive into the middle of nowhere you'll be traveling around aimlessly until you eventually come to a checkpoint it's only then that they tell you you're doing something wrong the very moment you go in the wrong direction and arrows should instantly appear to let you know how about a nice fine message that says turn around [ __ ] we all appreciate being called an [ __ ] by these [ __ ] and the checkpoints are really particular even when you think you went past them they might not even count it it seems like they had a bunch of generic 3d models of towns and decide to randomly place barriers to make it resemble a track if your car falls off the track you'll get stuck in a time out void for way longer than it should take lackatu would have you out of there in a few seconds but i guess if this game was as good as mario kart nintendo would have a problem it's reminiscent of the overly drawn out loading time from castlevania symphony of the night when you die just get me back to the god damn game all right we're going oh [ __ ] ah great now i'm just sliding around upside down awesome how do i flip back over i'm like a turtle that can't get off his back [Music] okay so hitting the l button brings your car back luckily i figured that out otherwise i would have slid upside down through the entire track this quarry level is by far the worst i had to race through it four [ __ ] times before i got used to the layout i kept missing the checkpoints and drove around aimlessly until the time ran out it's too easy to get lost on this level because most of it is just an open area with zero directions on where to go i think the idea with all seriousness what they were actually trying to do was make the levels intentionally boring so that you'll be more likely to focus on just running over the zombies while that may work in the superior pc version the n64 port just falls flat and then it goes through the flatness into a glitchy unfinished pile of polygonal poo so okay maybe i can get behind a game where you run over zombies but the number count of how many zombies to run over is way too high by the time you get half the amount of kills you need the time will have already expired not to mention it's hard as [ __ ] to actually drive into them half the time i'm slowly maneuvering trying to line them up just to miss you want to play a game where you make slow k turns all day there's more action in a driver's license test driver's license test the game that would be more fun the whole draw of the game is the fact that you can fool around and get to run over people but it's damn near impossible so it doesn't even have that going for it the zombies move slower than soft-serve [ __ ] but still i can barely hit them why in your right mind will you ever spend money on this abomination out of the 400 [ __ ] racing games on the n64 this is easily the worst when it comes to quality control this game is on par with superman 64. well at least the other racers move unlike big rigs but when that's the best thing you can say about the game is that it's slightly better than big rigs well then you know you're playing a 12-car pileup of flaming [ __ ] [ __ ] hey you [ __ ] kids it's mr riggs i'm the official spokesperson for the best game ever big rigs and if you disagree i don't know what your [ __ ] problem is so maybe you'd consider the second best game carmageddon 60 [ __ ] four the controls are 64 times more responsive so i know you'll love it you'll be begging for it you'll be screaming dude where's my karma getting drive up walls slide upside down and explore the great endless void give gravity the finger the middle one power-ups have little in-game effect to remind you the real power is in your heart and soul k turn your way to vehicular supremacy just wait for it yep there it is run through zombies and [ __ ] dinosaurs show them you're the king tyrannosaur make them eat [ __ ] carmageddon 64. the second best game in the history of the world get your copy today or go to hell [Music] i played fighters shooters racers fighters beat em ups fighters you know when you've played a king kong ass load of shitty games like i have it feels like you've played them all with just a different title i want something new who said that oh pac-man 2 the new adventures wow i guess i'm going to play that now in japan this game was released as hello pac-man published by namco however in the north american release the game had a bit of controversy around it in the 90s a company named accolade developed and published their own unlicensed genesis games by reverse engineering the lockout chip this pissed sega off who in 91 sued accolade not once but twice they eventually settled and allowed accolade to become a full sega licensed publisher this also pissed off nintendo because accolade was releasing so many games on their bitter rivals platform so accolade made another company ballistic to get around publishing limits with nintendo and they all got this weird cheap sticker slapped on the label the most common complaints i've heard about this game are controlling pac-man's mood swings while pairing vague tactics to solve each level if you're lucky enough to have the booklet there's some hints in the back in the front the game is glorified as the world's first interactive cartoon you guide and help him with namco's innovative character guidance interface also known as cgi not to be confused with the other cgi abbreviation there's definitely a masochism tone that makes the game feel counterintuitive to play what the [ __ ] we're friends now after shooting [ __ ] stones at his face that's a good way to get your ass kicked if you don't put someone's eye out first oh i mean come on that looks like it hurts oh right there oh damn okay so the first mission is to get pac-baby some milk from the local farm seems simple enough [Music] well that wasn't so tough that witch is pissed [Music] wait those eyes ff fred [ __ ] could it be the next mission is getting a flower for their friend lucy's birthday this time you have to take a lift to the mountains and what a hassle this game starts to ramp up the cryptic difficulty unlike other point-and-click and decision-based games this one takes it to another level by making you a secondary godlike co-op to pac-man right here if i don't intervene he will just walk off this cliff like a [ __ ] lemming or here every detail is important and the slightest [ __ ] up can happen from almost anything in the environment you gotta be super vigilant [Music] this [ __ ] hang glider is the shits it's an exercise in frustration with no checkpoint luckily there's infinite continues but every time i get an inch further i just [ __ ] up and have to start all over it's a kick in the sack and what a shitload of [ __ ] that was to get this stupid-ass flower oh and also before you can leave this level you need to find three id cards there's some secrets littered around too like that pack pellet or stale ass pizza gross you can also tell ghosts are nearby because their eyes are on certain objects eventually after a metric ton of [ __ ] you return back with the flower everyone's happy but guess who's not i'd be more pissed than upset hang gliding in hell for a [ __ ] flower i could have gotten from a store i guess seeing as all the stores in this world are closed pac-man had to go the top of some godforsaken mountain to get them not like flowers happen anywhere else besides mountaintops the third level is where pax [ __ ] starts hitting the fan for pac-man the ghosts have stolen pack junior's guitar now you have to go to the city and hunt down those [ __ ] the city has a huge array of things to interact with and for something that should only take minutes to do it feels like hours go by by this time you'll notice things that are really out of place like this [ __ ] to get junior's guitar you have to turn into super pac-man and [ __ ] up the ghosts after defeating the ghost you take the guitar back okay so now we're on the final level and this part is just weird the witch is collecting abc gum already been chewed gum why that's nasty man you eventually find your way into the evil witch's science lab and come across the number sequence for the id cards when you collect them all [Music] [ __ ] this game and [ __ ] pac-man i have the id cards the number sequence and he still just goes and [ __ ] things up what a pain in the ass it is the micromanage every oh so there are a couple good things about the game one it has unlimited continues and two the password system is pretty helpful if you [ __ ] up and want to go back to get it right you can pretty easily every moment of the game generates a password you can find in the menu however if you wait too long pac-man gets pissy okay now the final boss yeah it's definitely the gum monster monsters definitely spelled the g i mean look we all know what it looks like let's all just grow up and get our minds out of the gutter now this [ __ ] [ __ ] encrusted poopy [ __ ] [ __ ] final boss isn't really too hard to beat as long as you avoid his arms stay in super pac-man mode and keep shooting the [ __ ] out of the gum monster's face until he goes back into the gross gum pit he came from i finished this game at 21 which goes to show there is so much more to it if you have the time and patience is it a shitty game well sort of but sort of not it's different it's an acquired taste it's a radical jump from the fast-paced simple maze games we all grew to love so maybe if they just didn't call it pac-man 2 it would have gone over a lot better it's an interesting game it's worth having in your collection you just got to put up with pac-man's emotional outbursts and just separate it from the original pac-man that's all what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] oh oh what the [ __ ] man [ __ ] this game he's the angry video game nerd you ever have to take a [ __ ] so bad you twisted your ankle i suppose i should explain that it's when you're holding in for so long the shit's pressing against your sacrum and are counteracted you push your hips out turning your leg in this awkward position it feels like in fist in the ass except you're getting fisted out the ass it's a fistful of [ __ ] but there's no fist that's what this game reminds me of so to hell with it watch it go oh damn the review didn't even begin and i already broke the game oops i guess i can't play it then what a genius idea i should have been doing that all along well we have some extra time now i don't know what do you want to talk about how about my shirt that sounds real interesting doesn't it i started wearing it in 2020. that seemed like a good time for a fresh shirt for a new decade a new generation like how they always updated the star trek uniforms some say i should go back to the old shirt okay no problem all right there we go it's missing some buttons here it's a little baggy it's got some blood stains and [ __ ] stains on it so it is old and you know what i'm also wearing my old underwear right now too i'm just playing around but i do agree this old shirt is very comfy and when you wear something for a long time it becomes part of you you know what i'm also going to try my old glasses yeah i can't see [ __ ] huh what [Music] ah it's that magic leprechaun that always puts my games back together well i guess i'm not getting out of this one the rocketeer for nes was based on the 1991 film about the biggest jetpacking flyers since boba fett it was based on a 1982 comic which was a throwback to 1930s comics and film serials as a kid i loved the movie and as an adult i now appreciate how it celebrates old time heroes and golden age hollywood it's a little bit like indiana jones and a little bit like the michael keaton batman you know the one where batman wears a new suit but i think they should have wore the old adam west suit i'm just kidding the rocketeer's true identity is stunt pilot goofy but endearing cliff suckard who after a thwarted attempt by mobsters stumbles upon a prototype jetpack created by howard hughes wait a minute what's this odd looking contraption hmm this right here is a pink jet pack so he uses it for heroic deeds but must keep it out of the hands of the nazis who want to use it as a weapon the film ambitiously tried to be the next big superhero franchise but fell short like socket the duck after sonic the hedgehog but that didn't stop it from landing on the nes he's got to be kidding the only thing faithful to the movie are the colorful and appealing cutscenes but once you get into the gameplay it's a [ __ ] of infuriating mazes and backgrounds that look like throw up there's something about the overall look the graphics and the text especially during the cut scenes that in some way reminds me of another game i've reviewed dick tracy which had good intentions but was butchered by poor decisions and not at all coincidentally both these games were published by bandai well they also published that other one but let's not get into that it's a basic self-explanatory game made up of six side-scrolling stages where you walk around dodging bullets and punching people in the dick in awkward crouching positions you collect weapons and ammo is maxed at 99 which you can cycle through and use whenever necessary so nothing terribly unusual until you get to these long jumps if you miss the platform you fall back to the area you were just at so you have to retread your path over and over until you get it right get over there [ __ ] get over there ah they give you just barely enough distance for it to even be possible who likes having to be at the tippy toe edge why do so many games force you to do that don't you just wanna [Music] [Applause] it also really bugs me that all throughout the game there's tons of open doors but you can't go inside any of them at least they're consistent so you learn pretty quickly not to try going in them but it just begs the question why do they have to be there and what's supposed to be on the other side a bathroom a closet people banging in an alley and they really ran out of ideas for enemies miniature tanks really now are they remote control toys did they run astray from a godzilla movie set what are the standards here the enemies are throwing more advanced tech at me than the actual jet pack like this [ __ ] it's like a dildo had a baby with a transformer and guess what else really take a wild guess bats bats it's easy to get numb to it but stop and actually think about it somebody somewhere in the world thought hey you know what the rocketeer game needs bats i'm starting to think top gun actually had bats and i missed it the funny part is when you punch the bats they explode in what seems like a splash of blood long before the mortal kombat censorship the rocketeer was [ __ ] [ __ ] up no this game does not need bats i'll tell you what it needs the rocket jetpack where is it where's what rocket you do get the rocket but in order to use it you have to collect gas oh look there it is there's the gas there's the gas oh i'm dead game over one life no continues oh you get a code unlimited continues okay my bad i got a little too bent out of shape there so there i am almost about to get the rocket yeah yeah [ __ ] well i flew for a couple seconds so finally i start flying but the thing is you have to keep that gas meter from running out so you only want to use the rocket sparingly so while the rocket was included it's not as prominent as you've hoped one of the biggest failures of any game is when it's not fun to fight the enemies to punch them you have to get close naturally but if you get too close the punch goes through them dude touch and it's real fair that the enemies can shoot through the walls but you can't classic do they have some kind of special ghost bullets or something oh that's just piss then there's these little red spaceship things you have to go near them to trigger them but they shoot [ __ ] so you have to get away and then they respawn [Music] oh come on what it boils down to is that this is a game where trying not to get hit is too frustrating so a more tolerable strategy is to just run through and hope you don't get hit too much to hope you don't get beat up too much that if i get beat up tonight you know and rely on the confidence that a heart will show up is that a fun mindset no take a good game for example like contra doing a flying somersault through a bunch of bullets and successfully avoiding them feels rewarding and satisfying but not here [Music] the boss fights are uninspired and flat out absurd at the end of level 5 you actually fight griffith observatory wow what next do you fight bronson cave the final boss is sinclair the main villain played by james bond timothy dalton who honestly carried the whole movie but he looks just like one of the generic enemies and he's stupidly easy then you get this half-assed ending with just one screen that says i love you cliff and that's it in the movie the climactic fight takes place on top the nazi blimp and it's between cliff and the henchmen whose look was actually based on actor rondo haddon who appeared in universal sherlock holmes and monster series how does this not seem like a stage for a video game in short the rocketeer might be better than lots of the games i reviewed on the nes but that's actually a sad thing to say all these years i'm coming to realize the nes has less games like contra and more like the rocketeer and when you want to add up all the really bad ones it's a pretty shitty library you know what i can't believe i'm saying this but the nes sucked on that note let's move on over to the super nintendo yeah the rocketeer and 16 bit this one has to be better i mean how could it not really i'm not joking here a more advanced console learn from their mistakes this one has to be better right right [Music] [Music] so [Music] [Applause] what were they thinking it's worse than the nes version it might even be worse than wizard of oz or hong kong 97 this might be the worst [ __ ] super nintendo game i ever played it just started and i can't even figure out what to do this seems like a deliberate attempt to waste the players time as much as possible and not just waste your time but the straight up insult you you expected to get the rocketeer jet pack flying hand-to-hand combat gun play action and adventure but no instead you're immediately forced to go in an endless circle like a dog chasing a turd stuck to its anus i'm holding down the speed button but i keep losing the race and bumping into the [ __ ] towers of course there's something i'm doing wrong and need to figure it out the fact you go in a circle pisses me off to no end they couldn't even design a horizontal side scrolling stage why even include this in the game as the first level and i know this was a scene in the movie but this is one instance where they followed the movie a little too much imagine if you were playing an indiana jones game and right when you started up you're in the classroom teaching that would have been great so what is it you actually have to do here how do you catch up with the other planes well honestly i don't really know but what eventually worked for me was instead of looking at the main screen i'd look at that little screen at the bottom never mind the speed meter that thing that looks like the transporter lever from star trek specifically the original series you know the one where captain kirk wore the old uniform not before they changed it i'm just [ __ ] around anyway that tiny screen is what you should be looking at that's how you avoid the towers and by sticking close to them you can keep yourself closer to the inner circle and outrun the other flyers i think you could also use l or r to steer i really don't know and i don't care so what kind of back ass way is this to program a game imagine if you were playing doom but you have to stare at a tiny box while the main screen was just i don't know a picture of a demon on a toilet or something even when you kinda know what you're doing it's not fun it's just an endurance test [Music] oh thank god i won the race all right let's see what's next no no way you have to do it all over again this is superman 64 degree of [ __ ] how hard was it to make a game where you're just the rocketeer flying around i want to be the rocketeer not cliff in a plane i want to be the rocketeer [Music] the game just mocked me so now i'm the rocketeer going in a circle with [ __ ] planes it's like as if the game actually said to me you want to be the rocketeer well now you're the rocketeer [ __ ] it's pretty much the same thing just a sprite swap but between these races you're abruptly thrown into a shooter game whoa what the hell it's weird because it's not a pov you're behind the rocketeer yet you're controlling his aim it's one of those type of games where you just move the crosshair around to take out the enemies [Music] for what seems like eternity you can fly but where to the ceiling the third level or should i say the third level that looks different is a side-scrolling shooter finally this is the bare minimum of what we'd expect from a rocketeer game and that's the sad part this is the best it has to offer you can blow up your health which really sucks so you can't be too trigger-happy but if you let these guys get behind you you're screwed because you can't shoot to the left that's pretty common but the part that's not fair is they sometimes sneak along the bottom of the screen so you can't help but get in front of them even when you have a straight shot you can hardly hit them without getting hit yourself because they shoot in these downward angles so you get stuck in these impossible geometric patterns they just keep coming it's too fast they just gang up on you and when you die it's game over no continues [Music] i feel bad for anyone who played this imagine the kids who got this from toys r us thinking yay the rocketeer only to get this poor lousy steaming pile of garbage let's take care of these games the right way i got two rolling rocks which i turned into the rocket beer let's strap these [ __ ] on and send them off now let's literally watch it go yeah now one last thing about the shirt i understand nobody actually wants me to literally go back to the old shirt i just need a new one that everyone can unanimously approve of so starting now i'll be wearing a new shirt well this is it this is the new shirt i hope you like it [Music] ah [Music] i hate these games i'd rather i'd rather treat myself yeah i need to calm down just gotta chill just for once cause i've been angry for far too long hey there friendo are the day-to-day stresses of [ __ ] wearing you down looking to get away without leaving that food time while you angry [ __ ] let the vacation come to you explore the caribbean surround yourself with exotic animals bodacious babes without leaving the comfort of your tiny pathetic basement or now and you'll receive a highly immersive video game that will leave you feeling like you just came back from guantanamo bay okay well that sounds like it could be fun like maybe it's like one of those virtual reality kind of games like total recall or some [ __ ] just call it like a number yeah i want that thanks oh yeah here we go i'm so ready i'm filled with excitement here i mean filled with excrement green dog on genesis well hey i'm gonna play this game with a happy face gonna chill with the cursing chill with the screaming i'll be able to make it through that way right yeah let's chill like that surfer beach dude green dog surf's up dude why is he called green dog he's not green and he's not a dog [Music] and look at this beach it's so nice it just looks like you know right out of swamp things swamp ass butt oh i like how he just sticks out from the background i mean doesn't even belong in the beach but that's cool because he's just all one with nature i mean his head looks like a the lone ball sack not even his face wants to be a part of this game but that's fine that's fine yeah the backgrounds they all look like you know real life photos painted over in mario paint yeah i like kind of like i get trying to make a sega game look realistic or doing the digitized mortal kombat thing but these looked really off compared to the cartoon characters from but that's okay that's okay so the game starts off with green dog crap getting hit by a giant wave and now this pendant is stuck around his goofy neck and can't be taken off until six pieces of aztec treasure scattered around the caribbean are put back together again or else he can never surf again how do i know this because bambi green dog's goliath girlfriend happens to be an expert on the matter she knows so much why didn't the pendant choose her instead i mean just look at her and look at him it's like they're from two completely different games alright calm down right off the bat what annoys me is the music it's a continuous irritating and piercing loop but that's fine i can take it it's all right just chill sounds like the soundtrack to a weekend at bernie's being played with trash cans and kazoos are not expensive kazoo's cheap ones oh and i love that jump oh yeah yeah that jump it just makes everything you do a nightmare that's cool just jump it'll be okay watch out for the piranhas so many piranhas oh wow those birds make that noise so you attack enemies by whipping frisbees at their heads but it doesn't seem to do jack [ __ ] crap half the time it went through that he went through that parrot four times what what is green dog's problem whipping frisbees at parrots what an a-hole sometimes you can get power-ups like this homing frisbee which is helpful but of course it's only around for a limited time and there are barely any enemies around why even give it to me you can reduce damage by eating food you find by hitting objects and enemies and how frogs explode into french fries is beyond my culinary experience this game is supposedly said in the island so why not use fruit like bananas or pineapples instead it's the kids buffet menu at sizzlers hot dogs flying out of parrots [ __ ] and donuts popping out of aztec deities it makes no sense no sense oh fudge that that jump he jumps five feet in the air but he can't jump on that [ __ ] block i'm clearly able to jump on that block but maybe it's his floppy freakish feet or the helmet hair blocking him okay but there's absolutely no reason i shouldn't make this jump other than the game just sucks okay starting to lose it here all right i've made it to one of the boss fights and it's anticlimactic as all hell the music doesn't change and the boss blends in with this moldy looking graphics take a good game like castlevania when you fight medusa she begins as a statue but then she emerges from it and the music gets intense and this came out in 86. but here this boss looks like an infected scab vomiting piss balls and blue tapeworms at you what the what are these things they look like giant chunks of foreskin i mean when you step on them they let out a [ __ ] fart [Music] i will be honest it's not that bad of a game it's definitely playable i think we've seen the worst of it already all right well i'm making it pretty far here okay just oh the pipe got me stop stop stop i have to do the level over again i can't believe they sent you back that far as you watch the screen scrolling by you can just feel those precious minutes being stolen from you it's the same feeling of wasted time like if you drive all the way the store and then realize you left your wallet at home so you have to go back just to go forward again [ __ ] sucks yeah so being chill just went out the [ __ ] window come on jump watch the [ __ ] parrot oh you goddamn parrot oh and then the meters these are even worse oh look at that they just sent you all the way back oh that's the worst problem with this game it just sends you back sends you back sends your sends you sends your [ __ ] back you go forward you go back you go forward and you go [ __ ] back again why can't you just skate around them skates are an option but the minute you touch that skateboard you're stuck with this [ __ ] until you finish this [ __ ] up fart fest of course on the boss level i have to continue this [ __ ] with the skateboard or rollerblades so i'm going with the rollerblades this time are you kidding me i get the skates but because of that ridiculous jump i end up with the skateboard again well it doesn't matter because i died gently this time okay here we go oh well i just [ __ ] died again no just jump ah no [ __ ] i'm gonna use the skateboard yeah yeah yeah oh [ __ ] oh come on springs in sonic when you're running fast and you hit a spring you get launched forward or backwards it's a fun dynamic to the game because sometimes you find items or even secret passages but in this [ __ ] stain game between the genesis's ass crack the pushback is all over the place half the screen is gone and i can't make out where i'm going half the damn time is that infuriating yes it is i have better luck controlling a car on fire with the brakes cut going 100 miles per hour straight into a manure truck befan in style these gyrocopter levels are a mess of [ __ ] okay here we go oh there's so much stuff there's so much stuff going on just ignore the falling parachute food where is where are they even coming from you'll have more life avoiding them ah being swarmed to [ __ ] you know the game is [ __ ] when you have such a huge life bar to deal with this barrage of [ __ ] what is even the point of that glove it can only reach enemies when they're already in damage proximity of you so might as well just dodge everything now that i'm this far into the game i need to talk about the music again some tracks are catchy like this one [Music] wait a minute why is it so familiar holy [ __ ] those thieves and what about [Music] wait that's little [ __ ] mermaid wait this game came out in 92 and little mermaid came out before this game in 89 the game ripped off little mermaid oh now a little history the composer of green dog was paul gadboy's gadbois whatever he also did the music for disney's bonkers and tailspin so there's a disney connection kinda this is all kinda weird but his music isn't so bad considering modern musicians rip him off i mostly blame the genesis's audio chips for green dogs sounding like [ __ ] and that's all i'll say about that no let's go down the rabbit hole a little more i found out that the green dog character was originally from a board game called surf trip which was created by real-life surfer dude rick green who was the creator of that sticky velcro football we played with as kids in the 80s rick greene's childhood nickname was green dog and the green dog character was illustrated by cam d leone who also did the art for a couple tool albums ghostbusters and hook all right back to the game here's some annoying [ __ ] the foreground keeps getting in the way kind of like batman forever on super nintendo look at that i mean get out of the way i'm trying to play a game here on to the final level you finally get to use the rollerblades and to be honest it sucks ass it's a lot of guessing and constant hit damage to get through and even when you do make it it's nothing extraordinary no mega boss fight and just some gangly [ __ ] ex-gaming his way to the end with a [ __ ] stupid-ass bird hovering over you every second [Music] happy birthday [ __ ] you so green dog [ __ ] gets all the pieces together and can finally surf again yippee [ __ ] skippy now i don't have to play this shitload of [ __ ] anymore he looks so dumb surfing in the sky like a knockoff version of silver surfer this game alludes to a sequel well thank the gods of game development or just shitty sales because that sequel never saw the light of [ __ ] day and what the [ __ ] is this thank you for playing green dog was this all a game to green dog or is the game thanking me for wasting my time playing if so it better thank me for even looking at this garbage cartridge [ __ ] this plastic piece of [ __ ] watching dry dingleberries hanging off your cat's [ __ ] is more entertaining than this concoction of [ __ ] i'd rather have a norwal rammuts horn up my cornhole than ram this [ __ ] in my console i'd rather have an elephant kickflip off my face and [ __ ] on me [ __ ] you green dog time for you to go on a caribbean vacation i'm gonna drop this game in real lava yes actual lava to the nerd copter [Applause] [Music] [Music] that's real lava [ __ ] [Music] burn baby burn [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh now let's go back to the past far back i'm talking old school none of this ps4 [ __ ] what's that stand for piss on the floor well five is out so i'm a little late on that stupid joke well you know me i like atari colecovision in television so why haven't i done an episode on the commodore 64. it is episode 198 after all well i have reviewed some commodore games in the past so roll the clips i'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle i have no comment yeah that's another thing about the commodore it only works when it feels like it well anyway the game sucks gotta give it the batman punishment [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] it's enough for this [ __ ] but let's take a closer look at the system itself now of course it wasn't just a gaming console it was a personal computer one that many remember with great fondness it was a computer for the masses not the classes commodore made a whole series of computers beginning in 77 with the pet you ever had a pet computer well you can't have a computer for a pet but you'd have a pet for a computer next in 1980 came the vic-20 which i've actually shown you before our first exhibit is the count on the vic-20 and what the [ __ ] is a vic-20 well it's an old commodore computer from 1980. thought the commodore 64 was primitive well check out the vic-20 look at that cartridge that's what you call a game the competition was apple ii and atari 400 and 800 and even the radio shack trs-80 yeah they all had better sound and graphics though the vic-20 had a slight advantage using composite connections instead of that rf [ __ ] next in 82 came the commodore 64 named after its 64k of ram long before the nintendo 64 would be named after its 64 bits what makes it interesting is that the games came on multiple formats cassettes cartridges and floppy disks both the hard floppies and the floppy floppies whenever it's hot in here i just fan myself with the floppy floppies or make a house of cards or not the disk drives and hardware were sold separately and had all these different names like the commodore 1530 data set and the 1541 floppy disk drive these weren't without their issues such as the disc getting stuck and needing a butter knife to pry the damn thing out it even had a printer doubt i have any ink but i do have the perforated paper yeah this was back in the dark ages when printers were unable to [ __ ] out a piece of paper without these holes so that the gears can grab onto them and advance the paper through i distinctly remember printing out happy birthday banners and stuff like that which would just print across several sheets of paper it would come out it would take like an hour and be like yeah man commodore 64 was crazy it even had the incredible music keyboard yeah sure is incredible then there's this whole programming book this is how a lot of game programs will get their start here is with the commodore you could actually program your games or even reprogram some of the ones that already exist on there yeah but what's really impressive is how many games were made for the commodore it's so many that i've never even found a definitive number it seems there were maybe 2 000 games but if you count every commercial software title including office applications the number might have been as much as 10 000 but anyway take a look at my collection here so many games i have commando predator robocop somebody's tax documents from 1989 yeah i got these collections in large groups so lots of random stuff made its way in seeing all these handwritten labels reminds me of the old days when everyone used to copy [ __ ] same as today i guess but only the format has changed as a kid copying games was so common i think i saw handwritten labels more often than their proper labels certain games i don't even know where they came from it seemed everybody's grandpa or uncle had some poker game that they got from somebody who got it from somebody else and yes viruses were a thing back then but i realized the best solution for a virus is to have a computer that's so shitty the virus will go nah but that's not to say the commodore 64 didn't have copy protection the most common method which i've mentioned in past episodes was the code cards where the game won't start before asking you which characters appear in a certain set of columns and rows but some of them took it a step further by making it an impossible shade of brownish maroon so you couldn't photocopy it or barely even look at it then there's this one how the hell does this thing work man they got real creative with some of these codes it's like some kind of covert spy operation but let's take a step back when you first power up the machine you get a command screen nothing unusual in the 80s that's what you see when you start up a computer there's no apple logo with a deafening dong nothing like that no you just see a bunch of words on the screen you type stuff in and that makes it go so if you know the load command let's all say together load quote asterisk quote comma eight comma one yeah that's what you put in and you have to do it every single time you wanna play something why do i gotta do that i'll tell you why because it's actually not as random as it seems the asterisk tells it to load the first file it finds which should be the first file in the game but sometimes you actually have to put the name in the first number specifies the device eight for the disk drive and one for the cassette and the last number does some other [ __ ] it loads the game into active memory but it depends on the game because sometimes that doesn't work and you have to put in run yeah the commodore was like a secret club you had to know the password after you start the game it's common for it to take ages to load but it's better than downloading software updates every time you try to start a modern game though in all seriousness it probably has the longest load time of anything i've ever seen and sometimes it comes with a trippy display of colors [Music] and after that you get a beautiful title screen but that doesn't mean the game is working you might get as far as a menu but it's very possible nothing else will happen so then you scramble and try everything you can sometimes you gotta hit enter f1 or spacebar or that extinct forgotten key of run or press the button on the joystick or press the button on the joystick while it's plugged into port 2 and sometimes none of that works i've tried every key sometimes every single key which is kind of exhausting it does help when it's plugged in but anyway i invented the commodore 64 keyboard presser presses every key i've even tried using the commodore mini that's right the commodore mini with some select pre-installed games they work fine but in order to access the vast library of the commodore 64 i had to add some roms and connect an old keyboard even utilizing the built-in virtual keyboard for that elusive run button but still more than half the time the games just don't want to start so what does that mean were the games always broken to begin with well now you know why it's taken me 198 times to finally do a commodore episode it's not like the nes where it just starts up well most the time the nes and future game consoles were like the young children who want to play you say the nes hey we're playing clash at demon head and the nes goes yay but the commodore 64 is like some old person you say hey you want to play and it goes my [ __ ] back hurts get out of here but don't worry we're definitely playing some games unlike the atari 5200 episode so once you're actually in a game there's one final threshold to get past the controls if nothing happens it could be the joystick is meant to be plugged into the second port it could be that it uses the keyboard it could be that the joystick is disabling every other key yes that's actually happened to me before when i plug in a joystick half of the keys stop working it could be this it could be that it could be that there's a gremlin in your house back then there were no standard rules for controlling a game it wasn't as simple as bna for jump and attack it was all just a mystery to figure out take this laurel and hardy game for instance i ran back and forth finding nothing but dead ends so i'm sure there's something i'm missing and i've tried believe me i've tried you know what's perplexing me even more is who the hell decide to make a laurel and hardy game i mean i'm all for it but you think any kids knew who laurel and [ __ ] hardy were but that's what makes the commodore so awesome it seems every franchise every movie every game series had a title on commodore big trouble in little china had a game on commodore that sounds like something a fan would come up with i can't get over the fact that it was licensed as a real video game and not many people even know about it being that it was such a cult film you don't expect it to get made into a game it's not that great though i just move left just keeps on going and going and every once in a while i fight somebody i don't even know where kurt russell is the simpsons arcade one of the most popular arcade games i've ever seen common as dirt at every roller rink and laundromat should have been on super nintendo or genesis but no commodore 64 where it looks and plays like [ __ ] street fighter yes the original street fighter was on commodore it's barely functional mash keys and hope for the best well that was easy one hit takes down the opponent i wouldn't even bother trying any special moves if there are any the subway background might be one of the ugliest backgrounds i've ever seen one backdrop says blockhead for some reason blockhead like in gumby or charlie brown oh and the taunts are the best wow that's such a demoralizing insult yeah but the crazy thing is the commodore had street fighter 2 yeah here it is in the box and if you look at the back you can see from these screenshots the graphics are just as good as the arcade wow now let's check out the actual game holy [ __ ] this is the worst false advertising i've ever seen they use screenshots from the arcade because they were too embarrassed to show what it really looked like no i take it back they weren't embarrassed they didn't care so basically this is street fighter 2 the [ __ ] edition turtle and no i didn't expect anything better on an older out of date platform but why why would you even bother putting this on commodore and who bought this me there's also a thundercats game wow dude a thundercats game in c64 glory lionel looks like a buff napoleon dynamite glitches aside i'm sure it must have been really cool seeing one of your favorite cartoons becoming a game but it's more entertaining to clean up cat vomit i might even have some right now and it would be better use of my time than this alf yes alf there was a goddamn alf game on commodore so let me ask if it was your job to come up with an idea for an alf game what would you do how about an alf head floating around the streets that's it great idea occasionally there's a cat or another floating head who's that supposed to be willie willy huh this makes the sega master system version look awesome next golden girls on commodore i'm just kidding then there's he-man imagine being a kid in the 80s and having a he-man game on a home computer because hell yeah it's [ __ ] he-man and it actually has the music from the show even though it eventually turns into a weird droning sound [Music] what's really cool is that enemies killed are tallied by skulls cracked i've played a lot of games and never seen it called that but the one thing that truly sucks about this game is that to jump you have to hit up and diagonal i can understand up but up in diagonal with this you're guaranteed to [ __ ] up and fall over and over oh come on come on son of a [ __ ] but there's another he-man game he-man jr gotta love the illustration the only way that drawing would be impressive is if it was done on the ljn video art it's a top-down view bullet hell shooter kind of like akari warriors and it goes on and on as you fight doctors and scrubs and hungry plants from little shop of horrors skeletor makes an appearance so that's cool i guess after i killed him i came to a dead end i mean i just killed skeletor so maybe i beat the game and they just forgot to program an ending that's a new one then there's double dragon not as good as the nes or arcade game obviously but it works well enough it's one of the more playable games spacebar jumps so there's actually a jump button and it responds weird thing though who the hell is wanted for fifty thousand dollars looks like someone from earthbound of course there's plenty of superhero games on commodore 64 like the amazing spider-man but there's nothing amazing about this bag of ass i don't know if you're in a casino or a closed grocery store at night sounds like he farts when he lands on his butt i like the giant image of spider-man over there just to remind you what game you're playing with batman 89 based on the movie the music is pretty good but the strange thing here is they programmed a suicide button if you press down you die what's the point i don't know i guess you can get stuck sometimes and in my experience it seems after you've killed yourself once batman will keep dying over and over so i doubt that's supposed to happen but it did happen so there's a game called mario's brewery okay a game with mario drinking beer of course i had to play it but it turns out it's just a donkey kong clone and was not licensed by nintendo so if you ever wanted to play donkey kong but instead of donkey kong being an ape he's a fermenting tank for beer then this is the game for you now of course i have to play terminator because hell yeah it's one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time i gotta see how it is on the commodore [Music] the game is called terminator but it's just a freaking space shooter so i've been fooled the game just happens to be called terminator not based on the movie i've just been motherfucked okay next we have cyberdyne warriors does this one have anything to do with terminator after all it's named after the company that created skynet or it just happens to be a coincidence not related but the name cyberdyne was actually used for a japanese robotics company well that just seems like tempting fate and is [ __ ] terrifying anyway the game is just a generic run and gun platformer shooter but it's not bad in fact i'd say it's better than many of the terminator games i've reviewed besides the music is legitimately awesome now we're talking terminator 2 judgement day now this is the real deal we know this one's definitely based on the movie so let's check it out um okay commodore 64 is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're gonna get you might get like a flashing light show or a loud beeping sound or just a bright white screen that blinds you come on load you son of a [ __ ] load well i tried i wouldn't be able to get this game to load to save my life just a blank white screen but hmm maybe that's judgment day maybe the nuke exploded and that's it so i made my point every franchise ever was on commodore but the real treasure lies in all the games that you never even would have thought existed things that you couldn't even imagine so now let's dig into some games that are a hundred percent weird how about apple cider spider where you're a frog hopping through an apple cider factory while avoiding spiders or bouncing heads where you're going around collecting lips or a game called get off my garden you're an r2d2 watering can defending your garden from croquet balls and teddy bears yeah get off my lawn you [ __ ] but i bet this game holds the distinction of being the only game to have a game over screen that says uh ditms then there's a game called [ __ ] in the one with the really weird cover art that i talked about before you play as a rooster going around a hen house avoiding porcupines but the best part is when the hen bashes you over the head another one with some pretty crazy cover art is gianna sisters but the game itself wow does that look familiar at all despite being a mario ripoff it went on to become a popular series okay here's one called sex games wow sex games funny to think this would exist back in the early days of video games they had their priorities now i don't think i could show this one but it's kind of like those adult atari games except this one's a little more um detailed but the real funny thing is to control what's happening here you have to shake the joystick like this up and down really fast that's what you do just make sure to grab the right one then there's a game called thing on a spring what is that thing on a spring now if you were a thing on a spring you'd think you'd be real good at jumping right but no the jumping sucks so anyway you're just helplessly hopping around avoiding pig heads and getting punished by everything in sight and when you get a game over it really lets you know in your face then there's revenge of the mutant camels you're a camel jumping around [ __ ] out baby camels to be honest i don't know exactly what i'm supposed to be doing but damn this is awesome there's even a face designing program called face maker hmm not quite as advanced as nintendo's me maker then there's dancing monster [Music] what the [ __ ] next up street hassle [Music] okay this is one of the best games i've ever played what is this so you're a wrestler and i guess this is what he does on his day off walk around the streets and [ __ ] people up they don't even look like intimidating enemies they're just random bypassers but then all of a sudden oh there's a there's a gorilla there's a gorilla i mean that's what you call a [ __ ] game a wrestler on the streets fighting gorillas that's all you need and i love the headbutt there's something about the way he grabs them and leans into it yeah [ __ ] oh and that devastating sound effect like the force of his skull bashing into them sends a [ __ ] shockwave through the city [Applause] [Laughter] and that bouncing cartoon sound when he jumps oh man and he can also squat and go here doggy wow thumbs up on street hassle then there's netherworld where you're i don't know a space station like deep space nine floating around blasting at space dragons but the reason i point this game out is because of the music check this out i mean it sounds a little fuzzy but for an early video game it's one of the most ambitious scores i've ever heard and a testament to what the commodore was capable of next is bozo's night out in this game i kid you not you play as a drunk guy trying to get home from the bar you have to avoid random people on the streets and anything you touch you end up in the hospital and start over so does he go straight from the hospital to the bar again damn you can even wander into the garden where there's a bunch of muppet monsters and if you eat a mushroom you go on a crazy trip holy [ __ ] one of the most complicated games is everyone's a wally it's very innovative for its time because you switch between multiple characters each with their own specialty such as plumber electrician etc but as you switch the other characters who you're not playing as are still walking around through very simple ai so each player has to complete a job and ultimately together they all have to open a safe to collect their wages wow imagine to get paid for your job you had to steal your own pay by breaking into the [ __ ] safe along the way you go into a post office and stamps attack you you go into a bakery and bread attacks you that's the type of world these games operate in it would be like if i walk into the nerd room and all my games are flying around smack me in the face so anyway just walking around going to a phone booth and then oh [ __ ] it's a space shooter now yes the game just switched genres now i'm a spaceship shooting at lightning bolts in space and then i come out of a different phone booth so it's basically a teleportation unit with a space shooter inside then i fall into a basement oh my gosh shark shark shark shark and then i'm dead well i've saved the best for last from what i've seen in my opinion this is the best game the crowning achievement on the commodore 64. lazy jones the premise is you're a hotel employee who wants to escape from his work and play video games it's simple all you do is walk around avoiding running into people and visit every room in the rooms are giant tvs with a video game so this might be the first time in history that i'm aware of at least where you play a video game inside of a video game that was a pretty revolutionary concept for its day and that's the whole idea of lazy jones it's just a bunch of mini games and you never know what you're gonna get it might be a ship shooting at spinning squares or stopping carnival gravitrons from landing on earth or shooting lint and meatball asteroids or volleying doggy bones or fighting ostriches or trying to cross a street like human frogger or breaking blocks while controlling the copyright symbol have you ever played a game where you're the copyright symbol that's the best video game character not samus from metroid or simon belmont from castlevania the copyright symbol from lazy jones let's see some cosplay on that then there's this one oh my turkey's on the conveyor stabbing with the fork turkey's falling in the garbage can get the turkeys get the turkeys get the turkeys get the turkey get the turkey get the turkey the forks in the turkey fork in the turkey watch the phone watch the phone ah those [ __ ] phones always stopping me from getting my turkey before it falls in the garbage it makes no sense unless it's a surreal nightmare inspired by cooking a turkey but the phone call distracts you and ruins the turkey hence the reason why the phones are stopping you no even though the mini games are so bizarre it's still cool because you never get bored with all this variety it's like playing 10 games in one it keeps you guessing what the hell you're gonna see next it's the type of whacked out lunacy that could only happen in the 80s i especially love the character himself lazy jones a guy who doesn't have a care in the world i like his nonchalant bouncy walk and for some reason it goes so perfectly with the music check that out it's that playful repetition with a slight mischievous mood like he's up to something and if that weren't enough you can actually go to the toilet and when lazy jones pisses it sounds like lasers wow [Music] so there you go i finally got to play a bunch of commodore games that wanted to do this for a long time and as you can see it's a gold mine has so much more to explore the commodore 64 has a special place in our hearts it made it through the video game crash it was a cheaper affordable computer making it the underdog of the competition and it challenged and perplexed young gamers many who went on to become programmers themselves and to this day it has a loving nerdy cult following it's the commodore club where the password is load quote asterisk quote comma eight comma one but we're not done yet we still have a few more commodore games we want to talk about certain horror themed ones and since we're heading into that time of year where my room suddenly goes darker for whatever reason and it gets spooky so it only makes sense so light up those jack lanterns and tune in next time you like to play shitty games [Music] [Music] how about that it's been 15 years since our very first halloween special fry the 13th in nightmare on elm street and in all those years since one of the more interesting things that have come along to celebrate those shitty games were the neca figures they're action figures but not from the movies the nes versions look at that jason's purple just like in the game which further begs the question why was he purple to begin with what were they thinking might as well have grimace and a hockey mask they even have the infamous death screen on there you and your friends are dead game over and freddy as you can see is in the same obnoxious neon orange very scary and it has the classic freddy trademark is dead well anyway we have some games to look at did you know there existed a freddie and jason game on the commodore 64. yeah if you thought the nes versions were bad wait till you see these but first i want to show you some other horror games on the commodore 64. like alfred hitchcock's psycho i can't believe a game like this existed let's uh see if i can get it to load [Music] i've waited all these years locked in this hell hole with your stupid ass that nerd he had forgotten about our shitty games and being forgotten is a [ __ ] but now when he remembers the fear that will give us power that's our ticket back to the real world and we'll make that nerd pay for what he's done to us well psycho is uh pretty disappointing not because it's one of those keyboard command search based games which i suck at but because it has very little to do with the movie you're a detective in a stereotypical sherlock holmes outfit i presume searching the bates motel for stolen jewels in the attic you do encounter norman and his dead mother but that's about the extent of it how about ghostbusters remember how much the nes version sucked driving around running out of gas collecting money to buy equipment when it should have just been about zapping ghosts well the commodore 64 version takes it a step further as soon as you start the game you're assaulted with this boring wall of text you have to buy the car shouldn't you just start with the ecto one which one is it i'm no car expert so i picked the first one and i end up with herbie the love bug well [ __ ] this [ __ ] so i tried a game called slimer yeah now that's what i'm talking about food food foods flying everywhere eat it eat it eat it i don't even know if this game was officially based on ghostbusters or it just so happened to feature a green floating glob called slimer but at least it's somewhat of a game next up evil dead yes an evil dead game on commodore 64. um you have to use a lot of imagination here i think this is ash the bruce campbell character or it's the top of a runaway sink i don't know this is the cabin there's the fireplace and this thing oh it's uh one of those swinging porch chairs wow they tried the object is to defeat all the dead you can pick up weapons but when you attack your arms are invisible am i hitting him or is he hitting me you can even close doors and windows to stop them from entering and when you die the screen bugs out groovy well that exists i guess let's try the rocky horror picture show come on nerd play our games do it now well it's rocky horror it doesn't matter what i say about it it's just the fact it exists you take control of brad or janet arriving at the castle and meeting all the wild characters if you're familiar with the cult film you'll enjoy the fact that it has the time warp music that alone makes it worth it to serve up another spooky treat we have the monsters based on the monster sitcom you might be wondering what the plot of a monsters game could possibly be well it's based on the episode where lily munster is busy running around the house shooting glowing orbs at zombies and floating skull bats that was a good one but hey it's playable and the whole time i'm sitting here with a smile thinking i'm playing the monsters it even has the music that always counts for something were there any gremlins games on commodore well take your pick there's gremlins the adventure which is one of those guess which word to type in kind of games at least the graphics are cool that they tried their best to depict scenes from the movie the other gremlins game i came across is action based you take control of billy i presume hacking up gremlins with a sword yeah well there is a sword in one scene of the film but damn maybe billy should have kept that sword throughout the rest of the movie maybe then he wouldn't have been such a wuss his mom on the other hand was badass she killed almost every gremlin in that house i think if you make a gremlins game she should be the main character but forget about the movie based games what you want is stuff like this soulless you're some [ __ ] monster going around in a goddamn dungeon laying waste to inferior monsters the backgrounds are surprisingly detailed with horned demon heads and [ __ ] this is metal but the jumping kind of sucks what can you do next up is chiller at first i thought it was going to be based on that ultra gory crosshair shooter arcade the one that got a tame down crappy port on nes but this game is totally different you're hopping around this garbled mess collecting tombstones when you get them all you advance to the next level which is a movie theater and on the screen is the level you were just playing so you were just inside a movie that is a video game twist i've never seen back in the days of commodore at least very innovative but you haven't seen anything until you've seen weird dreams you want to know about this guy's weird dream he was in some kind of machine he jumped and then got transported to a carnival where a giant bee came and grabbed him by the crotch by the crotch and then he woke up in some kind of hospital with creepy people looking over him whoa that is genuinely scary i wish i could get more of this game to work but it keeps on glitching well let's move on to the big one fry the 13th the computer game says on the back of the box before playing the game make sure that you close and lock all doors windows and curtains turn off all lights use a candle if necessary make sure granny isn't in the room then set the computer volume at maximum well that's a bit extra work but hey it'll help me kill some time while the game loads why is there always lightning in my room anyway i'll be right back [Music] you're free jason but don't kill him yet wait for me [Music] all right i'm all set i did everything the the box said i just got to turn the volume up here or not [Music] well they certainly put a lot of effort into creating a whole cast of characters who you'll never care about they even went through the trouble of giving each of them bios and as far as i remember none of them were from the movies in the manual it even has photos like some kind of yearbook who are these people the game designers maybe daryl peters called dip by his friends daryl doesn't take life seriously and just wants a laugh as you can see the graphics are nothing much to applaud or complain about the floors are gray the ground is gray everything is just as bland as ever but at least there's a lot to explore yeah camp crystal lake has cemeteries barns churches pretty much everything except a lake well that was random and scary the goal is to stop jason from killing all the camp counselors which he can do off-screen and each time one of them is killed they change to a gravestone so you're supposed to lure the counselors away from jason if you grab a cross and put it in a room that room becomes the sanctuary so if you lead the counselors there they're safe what kind of sense does that make jason scared of a cross now like dracula no jason would see that cross and all he'd think is it's something else he could use to stab people with i can't wait to be stabbing you nerd hurry up and play my game but this game does not lack weapons this campground has axes pitchforks and spears just laying all over the place you can pick one up at a time i don't know if it even matters which one you pick i'd pick the shovel not the pick because the shovel's my pick you don't want to pick the pick because the pictures are picking a shovel listen to pick if you pick the pick to pick the shovel isn't the pick now you've got it so i have a weapon i still haven't seen jason anywhere so i got restless and i start killing random people that is the most high-pitched blood-curdling scream i have ever heard in a game that'll perk your pets up wake your neighbors if you turn that up loud it'll destroy your senses but damn let's hear that again [Music] yeah again [Music] oh my god it's like oh man that is amazing that is the best scream of any game ever i'm gonna make you scream it's addicting it's like your reward for murdering any time you do it you get to hear that hilarious shriek i also love how the bodies stay on the ground and if you return to the site the game remembers to keep the body there wow i think i found the true goal of this game kill all the counselors before jason does challenge his body count see who's the real slasher king of camp crystal lake where is jason anyway you're not gonna believe this is jason purple or pink polka dotted no no it's nothing like that it's nothing you could even make up check this out [Music] jason is dead did you miss it i killed jason look again that is jason all along he's been disguised as one of the counselors oh dude how do i handle this one this begs so many questions first of all how is that supposed to be jason he looks just like a normal guy oh but he's wearing black clothing so that makes him jason where's the hockey mask even the back of the box mentions the mask and it's on the damn cover but why isn't he wearing it i guess because he couldn't fit it under his rubber face disguise and why is his real face so normal you ever seen what jason's real face looks like in the movies it's quite distinct how does jason disguise himself especially when it's a girl does he put on a wig and a bathing suit oh that would have been a great scene maybe it's based on the first movie when jason wasn't the killer or maybe it's not jason voorhees it's some other guy that just happened to be named jason or maybe the game is just called fry the 13th but it's unrelated kind of like that tv show that nobody cared about or maybe just maybe the game [ __ ] sucks the funniest thing about this is that the best strategy to find out which of the counselors is jason is to kill first and ask questions later and it works just kill everyone in sight sooner or later you'll get them the game rewards you for such an extreme rash decision now that should be a movie plot the counselor kills everyone on the assumption they could be jason and thus becomes an even worse killer than jason what a twist this is the least accurate movie to game adaptation i have ever seen this couldn't be any less faithful to the films if the soundtrack had old macdonald had a farm let me tell you something maybe you laughed at that comment about the soundtrack having old mcdonald had a farm or maybe uh you only got a minor chuckle out of it or maybe you felt um indifferent about it but one thing's for sure you're certain that i'm joking that would be a very rational way of thinking but the strange thing is i'm not joking i am dead [ __ ] serious what i have heard with my own ears is a fry the 13th game that has old macdonald at a [ __ ] farm jason for who's had a farm [Music] heart of farm [Music] are you gonna sing old macdonald or are you gonna play my game [ __ ] now that's the perfect score to go along with people getting murdered over assumptions that they're an immortal serial killer that should have been in the movies [Music] old macdonald is one of several unlikely songs to be featured in this game there's the wedding march for example [Music] but things get weirder check out the manual variety is the word here friday the 13th the computer game has snatches of music familiar to everyone try to name them all so to name that tune game on top of being a slasher villain game i'm genuinely perplexed in that way you could put whatever random [ __ ] you want in anything that'd be like if i scattered random lol dolls all over the episode for no reason just to be completely random just to say later hey did you catch all five and yeah i call them lol dolls wow dolls [Music] wow that is a bleeding severed head with a machete planted in it in a 1986 video game that is absolutely stunning okay this game rules and the manual is a gold mine the two blood capsules included free with this package are non-toxic and contain red sugar which form simulated blood when placed in the mouth this game included blood capsules where are they where oh oh i guess somebody already used them back in 86. man this game keeps getting more and more interesting you're not gonna need blood capsules when i get there how long is this review gonna be win a color monitor all you have to do to win your eureka monitor is to listen to the 10 sound effects recorded on your fry the 13th tape after the computer game there's audio on this cassette [Applause] [Music] welcome [Music] [Music] write the number of each sound in the box opposite the most appropriate description finally imagine what it would be like to own your own software house and decide what name you would give it five entrants with the most dynamic and descriptive names will receive the prizes [ __ ] house productions anyway i spent way too much time here so let's move on to nightmare on elm street yes now you're playing with power [Music] you start this thing up and right away you got the cast of characters actual characters from part three so this game is based on the dream warriors sort of like the nes version you start off from a bird's eye view as this little tiny white figure i feel like i've seen the same pixelated character in other old video games i bet if you had 20 of these little guys it could be an old football game or something the goal here is that you're looking for freddie's house just to see if he's home i guess and he happens to live in one of the most confusing housing developments probably has courts and lanes and unit a1 b2 oh freddie's ready already his rock's steady when he's in the serengeti he's chopping off your heady with machete he's massive if i was walking around the neighborhood and this giant dude comes at me i'd be like i'm done just get me so i find freddy's house and it just looks like any other ordinary house on the block then i get a message saying that i've done well but i now must seek my friends you'd never know it but looking at the manual it's supposed to be amanda krueger freddy's mom talking to you now all of a sudden your character starts to look more like a fleshed-out human being the interior of freddy's house is a maze of purple walls and level threes like you're walking around giant slabs of green jell-o all throughout the game you encounter stock enemies like skeletons and ghosts yep we're in another edition of boo haunted house there's hardly any sound in this game you do get to hear the freddy music at the start of each level but during the gameplay it's dead silent except for a few sound effects here and there it even tells you what it is you're supposed to be hearing you hear kristen screaming in agony in the distance jeez you couldn't actually have a scream like in fry the 13th you collect weapons and items because hey isn't that what all video games were about you run around picking up junk yeah that's what the 80s were all about as kids we were always carrying around a baseball bat a magnet some keys holy water magic dagger you know somewhere you can get a gun but what would a gun do against an immortal soul-stealing killer who invades your dreams well i think we're in the dream already so maybe it's a dream gun when you collect ammo it says bullets taken the terminology just doesn't seem right saying i took a bullet carries a much more serious implication that'd be like if you were on a plane and the pilot said we're going down but he meant to say we're making our descent you can even get coffee cups and as the game says the coffee restores your soul that's how i feel about coffee we need a shirt of that i bet you've seen all these coffee shirts that are out there some are mildly amusing while others are straight up stupid but they all share one thing they express a love of coffee well how about one from the commodore 64 nightmare on elm street that says use coffee to restore your soul some parts you have to pull a lever but you'll barely notice it amongst all these cracks in the wall all right get kill the ghost oh wait what just happened a fatal disk error has occurred well there's not much else to see in this game but the manual has a tech support number i think i'll call it [Music] nightmare on elm street tech support what's your issue i'm having a problem with my commodore freezing up okay i'm happy to help i just need a little more information do you want a slow death or eternal life in hell ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to experience a fatal error nerd oh i'm gonna chop you to kill a [ __ ] [Music] bastard [Music] [ __ ] what were they thinking i'm dead [ __ ] serious [Music] how can i do this how can i live up to the massive duty that has fallen upon me my destiny has emerged and the ultimate reckoning has drawn near i must not fail i must look the demon in the face not you you piece of [ __ ] i'm talking this this piece of paper is what will propel me into my final encounter with my arch nemesis the unholy of asses the [ __ ] from the pit the nightmare in six colors the rainbow of death the laughing joke and numbnuts l j n [Music] i'm about to embark on a mission to come to terms with ljn once and for all as you can see here on my wall of ljn kills i've already eliminated several of these foul catastrophic [ __ ] nuggets but now's the time to take care of the rest and this document here was sent to me from ljn they're still around well not exactly it's complicated so before i tell you what's at stake here let's go into a little background first of all who are and who were ljn we all know their distinct brand of games the same way you'd recognize the specific smell of your dog's farts you take one ghastly whiff and you know exactly where it came from from your dog's anus but ljn was like the master of disguise as a kid when i rented these games from the video store say back to the future over roger rabbit nothing seemed immediately wrong the graphics usually seem nice and they all had a playability factor but the further you'd go the worse it would get like in the final stage of back to the future when you're driving the delorean if you lose you start back at the beginning of the game no matter how many continues you have what [ __ ] the nes library had plenty worse games by other publishers so ljn was definitely not the bottom of the turd totem pole but that made their crimes even more detestable because they tricked you into thinking the games were good especially when so many of them were based on well-known franchises with other shitty games you wouldn't waste as much of your time you'd realize it's shitty right away and turn it off but ljn had that sneaky style to rope you in but even though they had a distinct brand their games were actually made by several different development companies so ljn was only a publisher in a sense they were the colon and the developers were the anus the companies just to name a few were beam software atlas and the one that developed perhaps the worst one bill and ted was called rocket science wow damn i'm glad they didn't actually go into rocket science the one that's the most shocking to know of is rare who made betelgeuse nightmare on elm street and a few others they're probably better known for non-ljn games like battle toads and would eventually have a partnership with nintendo on killer instinct and donkey kong country i would have never guessed such awesome games came from a company that had anything to do with ljn so even though elgen was the publisher their games are still called ljn games in the same way that the 2014 ninja turtles movie was called a michael bay movie even though he produced it and did not direct but to answer the question who exactly were ljn we'd have to trace it all the way back to its founder a guy named jack friedman he started ljn as a toy company in 1970 and i've heard he named it after his employer norman j lewis reversing his initials to ljn that was until it officially became laughing joking numbnuts at first ljn only made toys before branching into video games in the 80s i remember playing these toys like the wrestling figures so i had nothing but positive memories there i guess they should have stuck with toys so anyway in 85 mca bought ljn but then in 90 sold it to acclaim who in 95 dissolved ljn even though they used the name once again in 2000 as for jack friedman in 90 he formed toy headquarters thq eventually leaving and forming jack's pacific and sad to say jack passed away in 2010. rest in peace so basically the rights to ljn have been all over the place and lately have existed in sort of a phantom limbo but this document from the current owners certifies me as the sole inheritance of the name ljn [Music] how could this happen to me with great power comes great responsibility and with me as the head of ljn i will undo the wrongs of the past and prove that there is gold at the end of this rainbow i will be remaking the ljn game library starting with back to the future using the same limitations they had back then except this time it'll be done right so let me introduce to you my game designer sam how you doing sam i know i'm doing great i'm really excited to be working on this what are you calling me from it's uh commodore 64. how is that even it's not important listen universe will have a strict deadline on this so it has to be ready in time for the christmas shopping season so um the actors likenesses the music do we have you know everything signed off uh yeah working on it but it's almost there so we want this to be more of a fun action experience you know racing around on a skateboard lots of enemies characters from the movies sounds good i'll get to work and report back soon thanks sam that new game is going to be good better be while he's working on that i'm going to get down to business and review the rest of the ljn library it's like cleaning the cat piss stain on the back of the litter box one of these days you're just gonna have to do it but how many games are we talking about here the ljn stamp appeared primarily on three consoles the nes game boy and super nintendo with a few lone poop nuggets for reviewing purposes i'll be grouping them into categories movie based games sports games marvel games wrestling games and miscellaneous in total i've counted 67 games to the best of my research including one game console the ljn video art which thankfully i've already covered the joystick moves the cursor about to draw or should i say to scribble around like a blind golden lion tamarind on speed you hold down the button when you're pressing down and rocking the joystick around like this it squeaks oh oh that's awful yeah that thing sucked but anyway the criteria is that every game must have the ljn logo on the box or the cartridge with the exception of two that only have ljn on the copyright screen these are just going to be samplings every ljn game will be shown and after i finally acknowledge them all i can move on with my life first let's talk about the movie based games now fortunately i've already covered most of them ah memories q mandatory milestone episode number flashback sequence well let me be honest with you about this one oh boy i hate this game and if you touch an enemy you fly in the opposite direction you can't get close enough to really attack anybody so every time you get hit near a pit you're basically dead [Music] now this is kind of fun though you get to punch people yeah the only thing that's really annoying is that it takes so long to charge that punch oh you know what it isn't fun you know it just isn't at all it's just a pain in the [ __ ] ass what are those guys doing with that window anyway and why are those giant bees always coming out give me a break and what the [ __ ] is marty doing when he gets killed it looks like he's having some kind of seizure i mean i guess i'd have a seizure too if there were bees and hula hoop girls and all this weird [ __ ] coming at me i mean just leave me alone i'm trying to collect clocks in this timeline when biff brought the sports almanac to 1955 it somehow created a world full of piranha plants killer clouds and evil marty's you're supposed to collect 30 items and bring them all back to their rightful places and times you find the items behind locked doors to unlock the doors you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies but the keys don't sit still they fly off the screen the second they appear love the way the stones keep missing the zombies because they go in this nice arc that flies over them i love how smooth the camera angles are the overall design the astro turf floors just ingenious that's the best game over screen i ever saw that's brilliant right you and your friends are dead game over but here comes a game like fry the 13th that just cuts the [ __ ] shows some balls comes flat out and says you're [ __ ] dead and your friends too beautiful you're dead your friends are dead your family's dead your [ __ ] pets are being skinned alive your mom's a [ __ ] [ __ ] you suck at life the whole world hates you you're going to hell live with it game over so you play as some dude who has some serious balls because he punches snakes right in the [ __ ] face punch him smack him around [ __ ] goddamn [ __ ] spiders spiders punch em snakes you want some too could the villains be any more stock like we had this creepy game about freddy what kind of creepy characters could we add well how about bats ghosts spiders skeletons and frankensteins for the kitties could it be any more uncreative than that like why don't they just add some witches black cats and flying jack-o-lanterns they should have just called the game boo haunted house all you're doing here is killing time until the game decides you can go back to the boat then you can sail around again until you hit something else it's sort of like rpg style where you run into battles at random but here it's always the same undersea scenario nothing changes the whole thing is just powering up so you can fight jaws that's all there is to the game what a waste of time so we're throwing bombs on jellyfish seriously then you come to the boss now who is this guy he's taller than you and aren't you supposed to be the terminator arnold [ __ ] schwarzenegger but trying to shoot the truck and pay attention to all the other stuff at the same time is really frustrating okay well what was the point why couldn't you just collect the bombs and put them where they go i can only imagine what they were thinking dude you put these bombs in this thing all right what next uh how about you take him back out and you put him somewhere else it's treating us like a [ __ ] dog go get the ball bring it back go get it again [ __ ] dickwads next we have terminator 2 on game boy the first stage seems simple enough until you reach the laser barrier at the end so naturally you walk back to the left trying to figure out what to do then you find out you can shoot these towers so i take them all down and still we have a barrier turns out you gotta shoot the towers in order from tallest to shortest what a load of random [ __ ] at the end of the second stage you have to reprogram the terminator okay is this how john connor did it i never thought this part of the story would make it into the game basically you have to mend the wires together so the electric currents go the right way but you have a time limit and it always seems to end right when you start to figure out what you're doing you can't even pause the game to look at it because the screen goes blank what is that good for it's like he's a marionette or he's being hanged by an invisible rope like holy lord that is some [ __ ] right there look at him go whoa oh man a head-on collision with a truck and a motorcycle and the truck explodes this is the absolute worst driving stage i have ever played just wow it takes the cake gameplay is just as mindless as ever move the cursor around the screen and shoot everything in sight fighting the boss is the most redundant thing of all it takes more bullets than anything you'll ever see all you do is shoot shoot shoot oh but there was also terminator 2 arcade on game boy which i said very little about but that's because there's nothing to say look at it if i heard that i'd think it was an atari game what's the point of taking an arcade and watering it down to game boy i guess you can take it on the school bus to the mall to the arcade then there's beetlejuice on nes so how does beetlejuice hold up let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose damn [Music] [ __ ] [ __ ] [Music] nope nope not fun game sucks that's all you need to know say that to someone in a sentence to get a cloud to move i had to get a skeleton to shoot a fireball at a beehive when did that ever happen in the movie and we're talking about a movie that's bat [ __ ] insane but i didn't talk about beetlejuice on game boy based on the cartoon uh oh the ghost got in the washing machine they're [ __ ] [ __ ] up gotta fight the clothes and the sheet ghost which is um a sheet with a ghost inside so that's the main goal you have to fight all the ghosts which is the opposite of what beetlejuice normally does doesn't he haunt a house not unhaunted what next are the ghostbusters the ones letting the ghosts in there's a bunch of crappy mini games here the ideas who can make the freakiest face by tapping directions on the d-pad that's a new one then there's a game where you connect pipes wow does this look like fun no it isn't even mario and luigi who were plumbers never had to bother with this type of [ __ ] but the worst is the stairs at random they'll flatten and send you sliding back down [ __ ] and it keeps happening over and over with no pattern or predictability ah you [ __ ] you think they over thought this a little how about just a cut scene showing the phone booth spiraling into a time warp you have to hit one of the pink skulls one of them takes your coins the other one makes the last digit appear so it's a 50 chance you'll get the right one that is some supreme [ __ ] how do you find this bait you want to know guess what by jumping into things you want to play in bill and ted game well here you go go jumping around in the [ __ ] bushes and fences that'll keep you busy have fun but if you want more fun you should try out bill and ted on game boy even though i'm trying to be sarcastic it actually is more fun though very basic it's sort of an old school arcade style thing where you just go around collecting orbs and dodging a bunch of abe lincoln's there's almost nothing to say but in this case that's a good thing because this is such a sharp contrast to the nes version i can't think of any other example where a game boy version is far superior another game i already did was alien 3 on nes you can never predict when the aliens are going to pop out it requires split-second reaction time [Music] i don't know thing from adam's family dragging a dildo just another addition in this games museum of anomalies ripley's believe it or go [ __ ] yourself but wait there's more alien 3 on game boy turns ripley into a stick figure or maybe it's an alien i don't know so all i did in this game was walk around like an idiot there's ladders everywhere but you can't go up any found some alien eggs touched them and died lots of people walking around can't talk to them or anything no hints no direction no map this belongs to a certain genre strategy guide seller games but alien 3 fared a little better on the super nintendo the graphics are good the music is tense and the control is smooth you have a variety of weapons you can select different missions like save prisoners or destroy alien eggs though the enemies come a little too often and i wish there was a map something like super metroid would have helped there's a blueprint system that you find on the terminals on the wall but anytime you're lost you have to make it back over there kind of like stopping at a gas station before gps was invented the best part is the game over voice [Music] which was from aliens not alien 3 but who cares well here's one that i missed in my arnold schwarzenegger games episode true lies it's one of my favorites of his not just for the action but also the humor the game retains some of that humor like when you shoot an innocent civilian your assistant the tom arnold character gives you [ __ ] about it also when you die he says things like you only have one life left as if he's witnessing you die and resurrect but wait what do you do when a civilian is blocking the path he won't move when you fail this happens now that's what you call a game over it really does emphasize the magnitude of the defeat boom you lost [ __ ] unfortunately the game is very monotonous even though the scenery changes from the mansion the mall the park it's all the same top down run around and shoot crap when you think of the movie you remember the bathroom fight the horse on the roof chase the bridge scene the jamie lee curtis strip dance i wonder how that would have worked it does have the plane finale but it's just an automatic cutscene oh and of course there had to be a game boy version here arnold looks like a pill from dr mario with a gun it's the same thing shoot bad guys but avoid civilians and anytime you shoot you're guaranteed to get shot back it's better to just walk past them all in all it's the same as the super nintendo version just shittier you're fired ljn even made games based on movies you might not remember like warlock the graphics and animation are pretty nice the gameplay is basic enough run to the right blast everything in sight it's fine for a bit until you realize how resilient these enemies are stay down you zombie [ __ ] stay down then you run into these archers die you [ __ ] bugger and every time you get hit you get knocked back half a screen look how long it takes to beat this guy die die die oh my god when are they gonna die when are they gonna die my god then these gargoyles keep coming at me and they take just as long to kill every enemy is like a mini boss battle the control is clumsy you can't attack and move at the same time when you die it sends you back to the title screen instead of simply continuing you have to go to preparations that brings up a menu with the password option you enter the password and then wait through a cut scene with a book and being a magic wizard and all i can't see how water kills you and it's not clear how i'm supposed to make this jump anyway hey i got a magic trick ljn even made a game based on the 95 swashbuckling adventure cutthroat island which according to the guinness world records as of 2012 was the biggest box office failure of all time oh and then add ljn it's the perfect storm so the first level is okay it's just a dumb beat-em-up game with cartoonish graphics the animation is good there's a variety of sword swipes and rolls you can perform it's not bad really until you get to the next level now you're in a wooden cart ramming into enemies you just mow them all down seems simple enough but if you hit a rock or a tree you die instantly there's no death animation it just fades the black and restarts the stage so if you blink you might not even notice what happened like when i hit this guy i had no idea how i lost but it turns out you need to avoid him but how the hell was i supposed to know that you run over everyone else why not him [Music] alright let's check on sam hey sam how's the game coming yeah it's just pretty good you know what things consider i mean the nes is a little harder to program for than i expected but you know is this coming together you can see well hey why don't you try it out for yourself it's an early build but i think it's promising quick delivery [Music] all right okay it's a good start i mean we need some kind of power-ups here so can we put hill valley in the background there have some time travel get the delorean up to 88. yeah we've got time maybe have the holographic shark oh totally there's a bus fight did we get all the actors to sign off yet yeah yeah well well no we're working on it isn't it it's almost there it's a good start but yeah there's a lot left to do let's get back to work i'll check in on you again soon [Music] it's going to be good it's going to be good again the mission here is to sample every ljn game i've already taken care of the movie based games but now let's get into the sports games which is a little bit of a problem for me because i don't know anything about basketball or baseball or football so first is nba all-star challenge on super nintendo from what i saw on the menu screen it's only a bunch of one-on-one games graphics are good the reflections on the floor are a nice touch but this is no nba jam not very intuitive and of course i don't know how to play basketball but you'd think i'd be able to figure out a video game goaltending blocking traveling what the [ __ ] i suck so much at this it's embarrassing i'm making michael jordan look bad imagine if he was actually being controlled by some shitty video game nerd [Music] [Music] [Music] uh then there's a game boy version what am i supposed to do with this it's the same game but even more awkward with worse graphics and listen to it [Music] they tried to emulate the sounds of the shoe squeaking on the floor well they tried the ball dribbling sounds like farting against a sheet of aluminum but if that weren't enough the game boy game got a sequel nba all-star challenge 2. yeah an exclusive sequel for the game boy now this one's got to be a massive improvement because why else release a second portable game [Music] it's the same thing okay they added audience in the background well that makes it worth it because that's what you want who wants to play a [ __ ] game with no crowd that's something i'd buy again just to have the new special audience background edition or they could have just had the crowd in the first game i was even flipping through the player stats just to see if anything else changed if larry bird gained a pound or some [ __ ] oh [ __ ] his ppg average went up i want to know that [ __ ] somebody's weight changes buy it again somebody change his team buy it again somebody score changes buy it again new paint on the court buy it again ah sports now we're into baseball games and there's already been enough baseball games on nes but ljn has to throw their hat in the ring or some other baseball pun if i had one so first there was major league baseball on nes more like major [ __ ] [Music] whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa slow down here what am i looking at the entire screen is just a wall of numbers and [ __ ] select first batter okay select second batter okay select third batter fourth batter oh can't select that one so i got up to eight batters and now it starts asking me to select pitchers look at this i've never seen more stats and information outside of dungeons and dragons man to be into sports you gotta be a nerd okay so when i finally get to the actual game it's pretty much what you'd expect it's baseball batting i have no luck i mean what exactly is the hitbox in a baseball game but when i'm pitching the other team hits almost everything it's going it's gone the crowd goes flashing in colors then we come to roger clemens mvp baseball which was a trilogy including an nes game boy and super nintendo version which is often the case with ljn they put the same game on all three so you'd have the choice of [ __ ] light [ __ ] medium and pure grain ultra [ __ ] which is the game boy one you take one look at it there it is it's baseball move on the nes version is the same thing with better graphics but the one thing about these games that sets them apart from major league baseball is that after the ball is hit instead of going to an overhead view it goes to a third-person view and whenever the switch happens it's a little disorienting at first and as far as batting goes i never got the chance because i started off pitching and the other team hits everything so it's like an eternal never-ending game of baseball which to me is the very definition of hell the super nintendo version aside from having better graphics and an impressive opening cut scene is no better it's the same game with the same problems i get confused every time the perspective switches and i never get a chance to bat charlie brown would have better luck and i'm not kidding the other team hits every [ __ ] ball [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] mother the [ __ ] the [ __ ] [Music] now it's time for [ __ ] football with just plain ass nfl not as blunt as football on atari but simple just the same no mad in no year none of that [ __ ] as natural as a nature trail undiluted genuine uncontaminated straighter to the point than the co-nose of a fresh expelled cat turd not named after the amount of yards the field is or the length it takes for your dog to walk to take a [ __ ] not named after the tv channel or a college or the type of skin on the ball no montana colorado espn yes go [ __ ] yourself just plain as perfection as undisputable as death three letters up your ass and f l okay the game goes on for two seconds and now i'm stuck on some kind of countdown what's going on here anything i press the referee stops the counter delay of game i can't believe i'm saying this but just let me play some [ __ ] football have the decency to let me begin my suffering so once again the game starts up for two seconds who am i which team where's the ball and before i have a chance to mentally process anything i'm back to this damn timer of course i know nothing about football but don't you think i'd at least be able to mess around and figure out something next is nfl quarterback club on super nintendo okay let's see here pick the game type preseason new season who cares rookie whatever teams home or away oh you have to pick weather now pick the weather how far could you possibly go [Music] oh the decisions in life should you go to college should you get married divorced should you move into an apartment or a house should you have a kid or adopt or have a pet but then comes a question greater than any in the history of human civilization a question that concerns the very ground on which we stand it's the fundamental surface of the warriors trial from the ancient coliseums to the arena fields it's the very vegetation that grows beneath it's the cycle of life it's a pivotal decision that will forever alter the course of time it's humanity's most critical judgment the fate of all existence depends on it and now at this major turning point as you stand at the burning crossroads under the light of god and ask yourself what'll it be grass or turf that's a very important decision [Applause] grass your turf man grass okay so after i picked the grass the game eventually started for about two seconds oh sorry got a little carried away there anyway the game sucks should have picked turf then there was nfl quarterback club on game boy which was a totally different game where you're running from a side angle through like an obstacle course and then a view from behind as you throw balls at targets so football games weren't enough you also have football practice games then there's nfl quarterback club 2 which doesn't even have a 2 on the title screen yeah this was a real headache to sort all this out and the game well it's the same as super nintendo let's check on sam hey nerd hey how's it going yeah it's coming along try it out okay um what are the clocks really clocks again uh you know time isn't it okay we need to change the clocks we can't have clocks in the game got it got it right changing the clocks no clocks you didn't get the licensing did you uh the hoverboard uh that we got that it's it's pink and yellow how are you supposed to control this yeah so there's like an acceleration deceleration thing going on there so it feels kind of like actually hovering on a hoverboard i'm still working on getting it to be actually playable yeah playable that would be something yeah yeah you'll get there the holographic shark what is going on with it okay so the the nes couldn't actually do like transparencies so to make something look kind of transparent you had a frame where you could see it and a frame where you couldn't see it see it you can see it's like flashes on and off and if you put on a really old crt tv it kind of looks transparent and you only get a tiny little bit of a headache a tiny bit of a headache okay this really needs to get fixed how much time do we have to finish this again um plenty of time we're good all right well that'll get straightened out anyway we already took care of the ljn sports games so next let's check out the ljn marvel games which consist of spider-man x-men and the punisher first up the spider-man games luckily i already covered some of them the game's spider-man return of the sinister [ __ ] there's no like jump kick move like you can't jump and then do an attack well then don't do that move look now what's he doing he's not gonna come up i can't even tell if i'm hitting him do it damn it jump jump jump jump jump jump jump [Music] it's a piece of [ __ ] it's a bunch of [ __ ] crap amazing spider-man and believe it or not the control is even worse [Music] the punch is delayed like a full second later how do i get up jump i am oh my god i can't i tried to jump i swear god damn it it's horrible but there's more the game boy version had sequels oh yes here comes spider-man 2. i can't blame myself for missing it it looks similar but the controls are very different especially the way the web works you got to stick onto things and sort of like like just swing yourself around it's kind of like uh you know like uh like spiderman yeah it's a good attempt unlike the first gameboy game where the web was automatic here it's more calculated until you run out now you're on your own so you go around fighting enemies climbing walls it's your usual friendly neighborhood spider-man game what's this a dead end oh literally a dead end well i'll know next time not to touch the electric fence well damn what's next spider-man 3 on game boy yeah who would have guessed this would be a trilogy spider-man 3 invasion of the spider slayers oh boy when it starts you're just running around a park beating people up then you reach a dead end at least one that doesn't kill you this time so you're just running back and forth taking out enemies until finally an arrow appears at the bottom and lets you leave the stage next thing i'm fighting a xenomorph alien i mean it looks exactly like alien then there's some weird boss is it a bird a robot claw i don't know but it's the shyest boss in game history won't come anywhere inside the screen so [ __ ] this moving on to the super nintendo we have spider-man and x-men in arcades revenge at first i thought it meant the arcade machine was gonna get revenge but it's actually the name of the villain you start out as spider-man and i don't mean to say everything always sounds like farts but when your spidey senses go off just listen the goal is to collect these little things in a specific order as if just fighting your way to the end of the stage wouldn't have been enough so the game just started and already it's an annoying maze at least there's arrows to tell you where to go so i'm just going to follow uh wait wait wait wait which which way now what left right down up left right left down up the arrows can't even make up their minds after you clear the level you get a character select screen each character has their own stage wolverines fighting clowns jacking the boxes with machine guns and toy soldiers from wizard of oz storm's level is an underwater stage i figured she'd be flying not swimming and here's cyclops's stage what the [ __ ] the floors electric that scream is hilarious by the way and look at that silly kick so to avoid the floor always make sure to ride the cart there we go all good and if you wanted arcade's revenge on the go well here's the game boy version same game same old [ __ ] nothing more to say except that wall climbing oh man get up there get up there damn it ah there is another one on super nintendo just called spider-man though it's based on the animated series gotta love that song [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's another action game it's colorful and appealing at first love spider-man's walk cycle walking like a tough guy reminds me of henry hawk you can even punch computers make him explode yeah that's how i feel whenever my computer gives me [ __ ] what's this am i standing on an nes console anyway you just gotta go around fighting enemies seems all fine and dandy until you come to this barricade [ __ ] i tried kicking it over and over until finally i managed to knock it down persistence and luck but there is one more ljn spider-man game on super nintendo that i covered already let's end with spider-man maximum carnage on super nintendo everyone says i should play this one as if i haven't already played enough spider-man games well it's a beat-em-up game monotonous but fun the controls are responsive and the hit detection works fine it can be a little frustrating but not too bad and the music is upbeat and energizing i found a good spider-man game who made this game [Music] they made a game it's not [ __ ] it's not [ __ ] [Music] yeah i couldn't find much to complain there but anyway let's move on to the x-men games now there were two on nes by elgin and thankfully i covered these as well rather stick your dick in a piranha's mouth here we go marvel's x-men look at this cluttered pixels scrambled textures [ __ ] flying everywhere it's a disaster the characters look like stiff mangled colored shapes that barely represent who they're supposed to be cyclops looks the same as storm all they did was recycle the same character and color them all different don't ever give the computer a character with a projectile because look it's like giving a little kid 10 pounds of sugar and a super soaker it goes ape [ __ ] and it never ever stops [Applause] okay what's happening now i'm frozen what the hell oh that's nice isn't that fair that's like tying my hands behind my back and how can i be frozen with a character that's called ice man i'd be better off with ice man from top gun [Music] every time you use your claws it drains your life so that kind of defeats the whole purpose right so just forget the claws it will be nice to use them but you can't the ducking is incredibly delayed when you push down it doesn't just duck like any other game it goes into this little animation it's unnecessary and it makes it hard to avoid getting hit by something [ __ ] you how cheap is it to put the burger right on top of a propeller look at this it's [ __ ] impossible almost dead gotta get the beer i've had it up to my ass with this piece of [ __ ] in conclusion this game's way better than the other one but it's still a pile of donkey dicks but they also made a wolverine game on super nintendo adamantium rage there's no color scheme everything looks like a mess the controls take time to get used to any simple button command sends me flying jumping and somersaulting all over the place like a maniac it's a confusing maze with background doors that you can't go in i keep getting lost and look how jittery wolverine's movement is he only goes fast and still two geared diarrhea and falling through platforms oh yeah gotta have that but at least you can dig at the floor like a cat burning at [ __ ] everything i press does some stupid move and i don't know where i'm supposed to go because everything looks the same right about now i'm feeling some adamantium rage next up the punisher i once made pat play this game but i've never actually reviewed it myself but that's because there's almost nothing to say it's just a crosshair point and shoot game it's so bland it doesn't even have music most the time as a rental in 1990 it wasn't bad as a time killer just blasting away everything on screen just as you're blasting away your brain cells if it moves shoot it if it doesn't move shoot it during the boss fight you can use your fists and feet and after you kill him it says r.i.p wow in video games you don't think about all the people you kill you take it for granted but here comes a game that reminds you of the mortality to rub it in your face and say this man is dead and you killed him hope you're happy then came the punisher ultimate payback on game boy as expected it's much more primitive but the shocking thing it has music so that's one major advantage over the nes version you have to avoid shooting innocent people even though it just takes some life away i mean you'd think there'd be bigger consequences than that and when an enemy takes a hostage you just got to watch your aim and then spider-man comes in oh spider-man's in this game it's the game boy cinematic universe and that covers the marvel games all right sam how's the game coming uh you know it's getting there uh i mean there's a little bit of sprite flicker uh what did you try it out hourglasses no you said no clocks no we need something else sundials wait wait wait death blocks oh these remind me of something oh well see that would be that'll be a thing called developer difficulty where if you are testing your own game 24 hours a day seven days a week and not sleeping you get really good at it and so the game ends up like way way harder than you think it is yeah we need to tone down the difficulty it's okay so we got a focus group lined up universal has done it for us everything's flickering yeah that's um that's the nes uh the uh i can't do too many sprites on the screen at once otherwise it starts flickering i'm still working on the solution for that one okay i can't even control which way i'm supposed to be going okay well maybe can we move on to another console that would entail starting over from scratch all right keep it on the nes get it fixed [Music] what were you thinking oh god oh i gotta focus on my task here acknowledge every lg game and then i can move on well let's get to the wrestling games next now there were three on nes brandishing the ljn logo and thankfully i've already talked about them trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while andre the giant farts directly into your nostrils steel cage challenge well it has a steel cage mode if you like glimpsing the wrestlers through the cage get the cage out of the way i can't see anything just kick him to the ground and repeatedly stop his dick then pin him for the slowest three count in history one funny thing i forgot to mention was that in both wrestlemania challenge and king of the ring you can play as yourself what the hell is that supposed to mean it's not like you can customize it to actually look like yourself king of the ring also had a game boy version it's similar to the nes version but even more awkward and with atari sounds wwf more like wtf wwf superstars was a big improvement better graphics has music during the match but whenever the characters get close their bodies sort of fuse together it's weird then there's wwf superstars too hey it's on the title screen and they're already wrestling it's impressive they included the wrestlers theme songs [Music] you have the option to fight in a cage match which i don't really see the point of but hey each game boy version is an improvement over the last next up we have a trilogy on super nintendo in my wrestling episode i trashed all three of these games but i have to admit these were fun the first was wwf super wrestlemania it had a great character lineup and seeing the faces all digitized was new and exciting it gave you the option of fighting 101 or tag team and you had a variety of moves to pull off you could jump off the ropes and even fight outside the ring it introduced a grapple system where you got to tap the button real fast to perform a move so if you're playing with a friend it's all about who has the fastest thumbs and that's when it gets crazy you gotta [ __ ] tap that [ __ ] like grease lightning and if you're both the same speed it'll go on forever yeah you haven't experienced anything until you've been in a [ __ ] thumb war over ljn wrestling games on super nintendo yeah the second in the trilogy was wwf royal rumble this is the one i used to play the most as a kid i always remember how when you flip through the character screens their theme song plays i had never heard such awesome synthesized metal coming through my super nintendo sometimes i'd cycle through these tunes and just let it play in my room [Music] the game itself functions like the last one but improved with the option of the royal rumble of course this is where it gets nuts having all those characters fill the ring unleashing pure chaos and pandemonium and if you get thrown out you can still sit back and watch the rest of the fight [Applause] the third in the trilogy was wwf raw and wow what a trippy opening at first i thought the game was glitching so this version is like royal rumble on crack now there's mega moves and finishing moves i don't know but at a certain point i think enough is enough the computer opponents are much harder i have to say overall it's fun crazy wrestling action and the chair hit never gets old that's my favorite wrestling trope there just happens to be a chair there so might as well hit somebody only problem they usually don't want to come near come on anybody who wants to get hit by a chair but then of course there was wwf raw on game boy going from the super nintendo to these tiny characters on a portable screen yeah the fixed camera angle with a wide view of the ring doesn't help the grapple button mashing is way more tiring on the d-pad so i say [ __ ] it and that covers the wrestling games all right sam how's the game looking yeah this is okay so i got the feedback from the focus group uh the the difficulty is too high the game is too easy uh too many enemies not enough opponents to fight with um somebody says that they really want hula girls and a bowling ball weapon this is horrible do we even have any um any power-ups at all now uh well you said no no hourglasses so the time kind of runs out a bit quick what's happening with the music here okay so we had the the power of love uh and um well we couldn't you know the licensing and everything so i sped it right up so you can't even recognize it because i didn't have time to write a new song oh oh no no you didn't you didn't put the the bowling ball see it's in the nose the focus group wanted bowling balls man i don't know why who wanted bowling balls oh the flickering is worse oh the controls are worse oh we we are spiraling into the toilet here uh uh just well they have you uh we do need to mix the time travel uh and the hill valley background uh and a few other things just because of time constraints fine fine just make it playable make it work how much time do we have to fix this okay well the the deadline is uh let me take a look two hours from now hope you got a flux capacitor all right you got one last chance don't [ __ ] this up all right let's finish the ljn library but before we end this it's worth mentioning they also made a gaming accessory the roland rocker which i already covered it's another hunk of plastic who made this thing [Music] son of a [ __ ] i'm drinking rolling rock on the rolling rocker [Music] rolling rock rolling rocker yeah rolling rock on the rolling rocker but now let's get into all the miscellaneous games the ljn leftovers first up is pictionary that's right the word guessing drawing game now on your nes seems like a good idea actually how could you screw that up the free drawing game where you can just doodle whatever you want is so bad it almost rivals the ljn video arc it controls like garbage the way you have to rotate the tool around and how it speeds away like a runaway rocket makes you wish you had an etch a sketch instead and the erase sound effect i think i've heard that before is that from ghostbusters [Music] now that's epic when you play the main game it becomes immediately clear that this is not the pictionary you'd expect there's a game on the side that has an astronaut kicking around balls or firefighters catching people out a window who won't wait their turn or a guy carrying crates don't you hate it when you're trying to stack crates and frog heads keep bothering you the idea is to last as long as possible in these mini games as the more points you get the more of the picture on the right gets uncovered when you lose the mini-game you're left to solve the word for the picture even if the picture is nowhere near complete so i've been able to guess many of them but when you can barely see much of it what's the point how am i supposed to know what that is how about [ __ ] you [Music] one game i remember seeing as a kid was gotcha the sport when i saw that cover i was intrigued because i thought that red splash was blood but it's actually a paintball capture the flag style game thank god the punisher's not playing the interesting thing is that the game was part of a marketing franchise of toy guns for kids that shot washable paint they were made by ljn's entertech division the other weird thing is that it's sorta based on the comedy action film gotcha from 85. i'd put this in the movie category but it's such a loose adaptation so it uses the nes zapper and controller at the same time so use the d-pad to go left and right and the zapper to fire obviously all you do is blast people with your paintballs and try to capture the flag well it's not that great but what do you expect from an nes zapper game made by ljn that sorta kinda may be based on a movie and that's part of a line of paintball guns for kids surf's up dudes it's tnc surf design i've reviewed this one in rhyme before if you remember that but let's take another look there's two sections skateboarding and surfing the skateboarding is self-explanatory you just gotta dodge everything while trying to make the fastest time and i don't understand the hitboxes or anything look at this i just fell into the side of a hole man i could never skateboard even in a game i mean skateboarding's like some kind of high level wizardry tony hawk and [ __ ] it's [ __ ] crazy man skate or die for me it's the latter [Music] oh that's gotta hurt [Music] ow [Music] the surfing stage is one that goes down as one of the unholiest of ass fests the controls i couldn't figure out as a kid and i can't figure them out now you just keep getting sucked into this wave not to mention what's up with the choice of characters the gorilla looks like some kind of generic cartoon but the other one uh hang on hang on somebody decided that should be a character yeah we have this rad surfing game what kind of character should we have i don't know how about a cat in a tuxedo but it's not just a cat it's a man's body with a cat's head anyway man this game sucks wish i could be that guy casually floating at the bottom he's got the life but not me i can't relax i gotta flip some [ __ ] at the top of the waves here [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] oh wow oh yes yes uh but hey guess what there was a sequel tnc 2 thrilla safari so the plot concerns thrilla gorilla wait wait wait wait a plot wow they really put a lot more thought into this one so thrilla's girlfriend his human girlfriend named barbie bikini is captured by a witch doctor so it's the standard rescue the girl [ __ ] the stages alternate between skateboarding and surfing it's more action based than the previous game you race through fighting enemies and jumping hurdles oh my god he exploded let's see that again it's a thousand times more playable than the other game but [ __ ] them both everybody's heard about the nerd nerd nerd nerds the word nerd nerds the word nerd nerd nerds the word don't you know about the nerd everybody knows that the nerd is the word surfing next up crash dummies good thing i took care of that one everything is just flat and lifeless the character animation looks really stupid everyone walks like they're holding in a huge [ __ ] you know like when you have to go so bad it feels like the poop's pressing into your pelvic bone but there's also crash dummies on game boy so this one's just a bunch of mini games you start out falling from a building and are supposed to crash into as many things as possible on the way down was that supposed to happen it's a game where you're a crash dummy who crashes into [ __ ] how do you know when you die the next screen says that was boring yep i'll leave it at that then there was the super nintendo version a simple side scroller with 16 bits you'd think they'd shift the quality to the next gear but instead they cut the corners fair gameplay takes a back seat to this half-assed accident that'll let the air out of your tires till you crash and burn there's also a genesis version which was identical it was typical of a claim to put the same game on both consoles while only putting the ljn stamp on the super nintendo version but this was a rare case on the genesis even though the ljn logo is nowhere to be seen on the box or cartridge it does appear on the copyright screen and to my knowledge is the only genesis game where the ljn name ever appeared since these games are so identical i was on the fence whether it should be counted twice if not that would bring our total number of 67 l gen games down to 66. or would you say an identical game half counts 0.5 or would you say more than half counts a 0.6 there's 66.6 ljn games [ __ ] come on knock it off then there was a game called revolution x on super nintendo which was originally an arcade the plot is some crazy [ __ ] some dictatorship called the new world order bans all video games and media can they ban superman 64 dark castle action 52 should have banned all these [ __ ] games you must battle new order forces to get backstage at club x to meet aerosmith where together you will begin the revolution aerosmith the band aerosmith is in this game you'd think because they were such a big part they would have appeared more prominently on the box art not just the boring revolution x logo their music is all over it and i didn't even know the super nintendo was capable of emulating those songs with such clarity just listen and if that's not enough steven tyler gives you mission briefings if you're watching this then they've taken over it's up to you now find our car and stop the new order remember music is a weapon steven tyler is talking to me through my super nintendo this blurs the line between awesome and ridiculous it's a game where you start a revolution by using music love and peace no by [ __ ] murdering everyone [Music] this can't be real you just shoot everything all you do in this game is destroy you even shoot bad guys in a strip club and the dancers keep dancing i ain't seeing this man the arcade even has blood now we're living on the edge janie's got a gun all right sweet emotion more like sweet ammunition that's what they should have done if you're gonna have an aerosmith shoot em up game you might as well play it up could have had a whole soundtrack revolution x it's revolution x the hot new album from aerosmith packed with songs to take down the new world order to love is an epic slaughter shooting them up when they hit the ground love is in there big slaughter dude looks like he's dead now looks like he's dead now scream on [Music] revolution x order now hurry and so in 95 a claim performed an exorcism on the elgin name and so it was gone for five years like a demon seeking a new host it found another consul to invade the dream cast and thus emerged the final appearance of the unholy sign the old rainbow in the dark look at that logo in full dreamcast glory you know i'm gonna miss reviewing ljn games no i'm not the game is spirit of speed a racing game which takes place in 1937 so i guess maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period it might sort of be appealing but jeez give me mario kart or f-zero any day even as far as realistic racing games go this is more like early playstation or n64 than dreamcast spear to speed my ass more like spirit of slow the cars handle like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls and donkey dung you like trudging through farmland as dull green and gray wash over your senses and 10 laps what are you kidding me this is something you play if you want to go to sleep there's almost nothing to say about it i can't work with this well you know what i just completed the ljn library farewell you [ __ ] [Music] all right sam let's see the game well we did our best so this is the final product we cut some corners but i think just show me the damn game all right right right here it is oh [Music] [Music] i'm a shitload of [ __ ] nerd [Music] you've made the worst game ever you've become the very thing you were fighting against [Applause] i should be reviewing your game nerd [Music] i'm the angry angry video game nerd nerd no no what was he thinking what a shitload of [ __ ] buffalo diarrhea bullfuck that is it's [ __ ] it's poop and i don't like it no no [Music] all these years i've been trashing these games but maybe i haven't been fair maybe it wasn't the game designers faults maybe if you haven't tried something yourself you don't know how [ __ ] hard it is it wasn't their fault i forgive them this game i forgive and this game i forgive and this game [Music] this game sucks [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] so [Music] hey [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 1,677,455

Keywords: avgn, angry video game nerd, avgn season 15, angry video game nerd season 15, avgn 2021, angry video game nerd season 2021, avgn episode, avgn episodes

Id: AnxENvJi6Jg

Length: 277min 6sec (16626 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 14 2022