andy dwyer: secret genius | Parks and Recreation | Comedy Bites

libertarianism is all about individual liberty and it should never be defined by the terms liberal or conservative and communism is no good that's right big swing and a miss yeah and what's the word for when a few clerics are in charge religious oligarchy holy i can remember things i guess first we do the written exam and then we do the personality evaluation which i feel like i'm going to nail because people always say but he's got a great personality okay quiz me okay what does it mean when an officer calls in a 35-42 assault and battery the way i remember that i picture 35 assault shakers and 42 batteries great what is the criminal code for arson arson is 533. you know i remember that i picture 533 salt shakers and batteries lighting a building on fire oh i'm nervous babe look at me you were going to pass this to us and you're going to become a cop so this test will determine whether you have the right personality profile to be a police officer just to make sure the machine is working is your name andy i don't know how to answer that simple yes or no well everyone calls me andy but my full name is andrew i think so no wait yes let's move on scenario a high school aged child asked to hold your service revolver what do you do yes i gave it to him when i was a kid i always wanted to hold a cop's gun to make that dream come true for another kid well that's what being cop's all about scenario you pull a car over for speeding you find out that it's your father how do you handle the situation well first i would be like dad you're alive what the hell also do you know where my catcher's mitt is hello chief fugleberg hey that's your buddy andy dwight such a shame oh no did he fail his test it's weird he got 100 on his written test first guy in history to do it but he failed his personality examination he's a sweet kid just doesn't have what it takes to be a cop oh andy too bad he's certainly something of a genius we could use his brains on the force official police wrist lock you can't hit me try to hit me over here no try that it's this hand wrist lock boom too much pain you can't even hit me try to hit me if i had my gun you wouldn't try to hit me though is the thing oh cool cryptex can i have it no no you can't where'd you get it how do you know what a cryptex is i know what things are well leslie hid the location of our valentine's meeting place in here no tried every five-letter word that has anything to do with our third date have you tried it's a four-letter word an s i really don't think it's that uh i wish i could help you bro i don't know if i can you're like the second smartest guy i know you should go to the first smartest guy i know [Applause] hi ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever in her new part-time job in the public health department at city halls and meredith perkins yay oh leslie this is so nice i put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die no april we would all die gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in school hey uh babe it's me will you come down here please and keep me company i'm so bored i need you if i come down there can i at least break something of course babe anything you know that chris gave me this great job as a weekend security guard at city hall only one problem it's a terrible job i did everything i was supposed to do and i walked around the building four times only 20 minutes has gone by huh i thought maybe 10 minutes had gone by since i started talking it's only been 15 seconds oh oh babe thank god you're here i got so bored i started thinking about existence do i matter do any of us is there a master plan in the works a grand design just dumb stuff like that yeah who cares ah i thought being a security guard would be exciting nope ben ben yeah andy i think i might have found something that's actually pretty cool okay we'll just put it aside and i'll read it later no andy found it and he's gonna tell you about it right now go babe uh it's the redwood music program it's an after-school music class for at-risk kids it'll keep them off the street whoa and the streets as you know are dangerous uh example i fell in a sewer grate once i was there all day in conclusion we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer redwood music program go your honor amen hey ben hi you wanted to talk to me or probably not i mean i don't even want to talk to me no i wanted to talk to you oh i just wanted to thank you so much for your help andy sorry we didn't wind up choosing the after-school music programs it's just i totally get it music program would be effective but the ambulance is going to help people right now who are in trouble and probably look good in the media yeah that's exactly right your morning tea mr wyatt imagine all the money you could save if you didn't have to pay for this expensive stuff but right you could help like a zillion more charities yeah that's also exactly right i feel like i should have thought of that well let me tell you something else that's interesting ben what i farted five minutes ago didn't even smell it just now that's how tight my pants are anyhow later days dudes i just need one more week and then i think sorry could you please be careful oh i am always careful we're good if i could just get a little bit more time i could figure out how to fix this unfortunately i cannot give you any more time what do you mean leslie i am retiring at the end of this term so i've been fine with you guys pushing me around on this budget thing but if you're ever gonna hold this job there's something you need to understand city council isn't about making everybody in town happy in fact every decision you make is going to make a lot of people very unhappy we play with live ammo around here now i'm going to close the book on this budget draft by the end of the business day so if you can find some way out of this mess by 5 p.m you let me know thank you that's fair i did it i got it out oh geez you don't take the ship out here you go listen tammy one was my sunday school teacher too she can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word and a jar of acid oh my god i think i have an idea that could save ron andy don't joke around i have ideas too ron swanson april ludgate hey i'm just gonna pop over to grain and simple to get the very best ingredients for my burger do you want to come what is grain and simple it's a health food store pawnee doesn't have a health food store no but snurling does and it's only a 40 minute drive what are you doing andy i'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand chris is a food genius did you know that the food you eat becomes energy yeah boom that's spaghetti nachos the cookie you

Channel: Comedy Bites

Views: 362,480

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Id: O4cxuJSFdpY

Length: 7min 40sec (460 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 24 2022