[music and audience clapping] Simon: Hello. Preacher: How you doin'? Simon: What's your name, please? Preacher: My name is Preacher Lawson. Simon: I love that, and how old are you? Preacher: I'm 25, I turn 26 in 2 hours. [audience cheering] Tyra: He's young enough to be with me. (laughs) Simon: Are you single, married? Preacher: I have a girlfriend. Simon: You have a girlfriend. Simon: She's dope, yeah. Simon: and what do you do for a living? Preacher: I'm a stand-up comedian, which means I'm unemployed and I do stand-up on the side. [laughter] Simon: All right, best of luck. Preacher: Alright. Preacher: I got a motorcycle. I don't like telling people I have a motorcycle cause every time I tell someone, they always gotta tell me a story about how their friends crashed on a motorcycle. Preacher: You know like, why do people have to be so negative? I don't go up to pregnant women telling them my dad left. So annoying, so annoying. I walked at my apartment one time, right I walked in my apartment and my neighbor walked up to me She's like, "Oh my God. You got a motorcycle? Are you serous? Are you se- you better be careful. I got in a car wreck the other day, my car flipped 8 times. I'm lucky to be alive, blessed. Preacher: She black, by the way. Everyone around us was like you know that was, that is crazy this your car flip 8 times you alive, you are blessed you know and now I'm over here thinking 'Who the heck counted?' right like. Who's that calm when their car's flipping in air? Preacher: AAAAAHHHHHH!!! Preacher: ONE! Preacher: My name is Preacher. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Judges: That's it? Mel: That's it? No! We need more! We need more! That's the shot... Simon: Preacher, can I have just 1 more joke? Aha Alright, uh. I don't feel safe driving with my grandma because she's really spiritual She love the Lord to the point where she's not afraid of dying, so I don't like that all right I don't like being in a car with someone That's not afraid of death, okay like hey she got that attitude like if I'm die , I am going to heaven so I don't matter I'm like it does matter cause I'm in the CAR! okay... This how spiritual my grandma is, if I got shot in the chest with a gun eight times, instead of her calling the ambulance She would get on her knees praying like, "Please Lord Jesus "Get these eight demons outside of my grandbaby's chest ! Let the bullets rise up, and part ways from his chest! Like Moses and the Red Sea! Yes Lord! And let the blessings rain down! Yes Lord!" Lil John 3:16 [everyone laughing and clapping] [music along with clapping and cheering] Mel: Preacher Lawson... Preacher: Was up girl. Mel: Welcome back! Preacher: Thank you, I appreciate it. Mel: Well who have you brought with you today? Preacher: Well, my mom came from China. Wus up, there ya go! I haven't seen my mom in years! Mel: So let me get this correct So you haven't seen your mum in a few years and has flown all the way from China to see you today. Yeah, she flew from - yeah fr - from China. It's been years so yeah. I'm jus- I love you mom. Mel: Before you get- you get into your act just tell us a little bit about what today means to you. Man, I've been doing stand-up for eight years, going in bars... Laundromats... so that's why being here means so much to me. Mel: Well the stage is all yours... Preacher: Alright, cool. So, cool, about a year ago... I went on a date, and I got catfished and it's when you meet someone online, and you meet em in person for real... and you're like, "hey, that don't match!" okay. you didn't have a mustache online, ma'am... right. So I met this girl online. She was very pretty. She was super pretty; I met her in person she was just as pretty, that's not she got me, alright the way she got me is when she walks... kind of has a limp, which is cool, like I don't care, if you got a limp when you walk but put it in your profile somewhere! like, "ooh I love long walks on the beach, but its hard because my legs jacked up," ya know, let me know... I met her at this bar downtown right and she was really pretty. She was pretty I went over and I bought her a drink That's all fine she is y'all. I normally don't buy with women drinks cause I don't drink you know It's weird for me to get a water, get a girl an alcohol beverage like "yeah how you like it" You know it's just creepy. I'm a comedian Bill Cosby is a comedian anyway, um so... I, uh, what and so uh? I bought her this drink right, and the bar we're at starts playing music so I can't hear what she's saying right. So I'm like "yo it's getting loud in here. Let's go take a walk around the park," right She's like "alright lets do it!" Ya know she hopped out the chair and starts walking I didn't know she was limping cause music was playing right. like you know (laughs) you know how you like to dance your way out the club like "ahhhhhh" I'm like "get it girl do the stanky leg!" Cause she was walking like she's seen $10 on the ground... but she didn't want anyone to know and she's like "is that $10? Cause its mine now!" Then she became my girlfriend so that's pretty cool. Thank you guys, my name is Preacher Lawson I appreciate it. Oh man! Oh you better shut up! oh man! Preacher's Mom: You killed it! He killed it! All right yes, so uh I was watching Oprah a few years ago cuz I'm a GANGSTA! I'm just playing, I can't be gangsta cuz I'm ticklish no you can't be do that and Gangsters go to jail. I can't go to jail I smile too much. I got a big booty. That's just a bad combination ya know. Know you're looking alright, uh. I was watching Oprah and I've seen this guy He has a Guinness world record for the fastest claps per second, which is pretty stupid, He does 14 claps per second. 1 1000, that's 14 claps y'all. I've got a question... How do you find out, that you are the fastest clapper in the world, huh? How do you figure that out? You just at a track meet, just cheering on your niece? "RUN KATHY! C'MON KATHY RUN! C'MON KATHY!!" LINDA! GET THE CAMERA, LINDA! GET THE CAMERA! (giggles) listen... listen, hold on I bet you- i bet you they love em at campfires like "ooh I can't start a fire" "DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT KATHY!' "GET THE STICKS, LINDA!" Lost like 80 brain cells. Yeah. Oh yeah, you know what else is stupid? Cell phones. They're getting too big. It's annoying, like every time I swipe down my screen, I feel like I'm playing The Price is Right Like that's how big- I'm like let's see my facebook feed let's see what's up! Look at this picture. It's annoying I gotta hop scotch to text people... Imma call you back later! it's annoying... You know how exhausting it is to save a number? "What's your number?" "4 0 7" (giggles) asthma attack... Side note: ladies, you ever notice every time a black or a Spanish dude speak game to you... It look like we using hand sanitizer, you ever notice that? "You gonna let me holler at you for a second lil mama?" "What's your name? I'm just sayin you look FLY!" I got me as my screensaver on my phone, cuz I like me and... This girl seen it call me conceited. She's like "you got you as your screensaver on your phone? Are you serious sooo conceited..." She white by the way. And I was like... How am I conceited cuz I got a picture of me on my phone. It's my phone! you know what I'm sayin? That's like walking in someone's house and like man you got pictures of you and your family everywhere. It's my house!! okay? I do want i want! I don't got any kids... that's right... It's like I don't got any kids, I don't got any pets what else Gonna be my screensaver? Some random picture of a lake? I can't swim! Okay? So I got me. I got an iPhone 6s plus 128 gig. That's a nine hundred and forty dollar phone alright! I paid... My mom paid nine hundred... and forty dollars. My name is Preacher Lawson. Happy birthday, Janine! I love you! Tyra: Preacher... Preacher! They're standing up, Preacher! They're on their feet! I don't know why people brag about being single, like it's not fun being lonely. I don't like that at all. I don't know. I was single for three years. You know what I've noticed after being single for three years. I noticed the longer I'm single, the lower my standards get like for real. I was really picky in the beginning I'm like she gotta look like this, she gotta have this now I'm like who needs teeth? you know, like you You smile with your heart, and that's all that matters I'm saying because I was an ugly kid growing up, like I feel out right now But when I was a kid I was like surprisingly ugly, like if you looked at me too fast I'd mess you up you know what i'm saying. From age 7 to 14, my nickname was AHHHHH that's my name. I didn't even tell people this, they just knew sometimes. That's why me and my ex broke up cuz we wanted kids But we couldn't have any kids, it's kind of sad, unless we adopt. That's the only way we can have children, which I do plan on adopting at least one child I feel like everyone should adopt, if everyone adopted, there'll be no need for foster care, right. So I do yeah So I do plan on adopting, but I do want to biological children of my own I mean my ex couldn't have any, its kind of sad, my ex she has a- she has a huge.. forehead, And I don't wanna pass those genes down to my children okay, yeah, you're not gonna have my kid looking like Jimmy Neutron so I was like we I mean don't get me wrong. I still love Tyra. It's just you know I ya know You know, it's cool, like when I see her I wave, she waves back, "Hihi it's TyTy." You know what's good. Yeah. It's all good Just saying that you just got a big forehead. I got some big old lips, if we had a son his face would be in 4d is what I'm saying right? And he was getting fights all the time kids, yelling him "get out my face!" You know he'd be like "I'm across the street, man! My daddy got big lips (laughs). It's so funny. People used to make fun of my lips as a kid all the time. (mockingly) "ohh you got some big lips, you got some super huge ones." and I'm like shut up! Okay. I bet I'll never drown, I bet that right. I like my lips! Women like big lips. Fellas if you making out with your girl, and she can breathe, she ain't happy, okay? She's not... She don't like that. Women love big lips. You ever see a girl do a selfie, they always do a duckface Yeah, I don't know women duck faces. I've never seen a duck and thought, "That's a sexy looking DUCK" like stop no one's driving past pause like "YEAH DAFFY!" Like no one's doing that. I think kids are cooler I think kids are really cool, but they can be annoying sometimes cuz they're really cute. You know I got a four year old cousin, her name is Peyton, right. She looks at me in front of a whole bunch of Friends and family says, "Hey Preacher... Why you so uglaayyyy?" And then she did the robot right. So everybody was dying, it's so funny when the four year old calls me ugly and does the robot It's hilarious! Until I say something back to her like "that's why your mama don't know who your daddy is..." And Then she wanna cry You know I, she crying she started yelling me cry "your mama don't know who your daddy is either" Like, psych! My mom do know who my daddy is ya know She just don't know where he's at you know like, she know him. My name is Preacher Lawson. Thank you so much. I appreciate it! Yeah All right, so I was walking home the other day And I've seen this naked dude dancing on a trash can and- he wasn't fully naked He had socks on, but it was it's really weird. You know me I don't want to look at him, but I couldn't not look, you know and then, then he caught me looking at him You know how like you staring at somebody and you try to play it off like you're not looking like me like ah floor Ceiling over here. (singing) Georgia, Georgia, like you just try to play it off. Like you weren't look and he caught me. He was like "HEY!" I was like "aww snap" he ran from one side of the street to the other, he didn't care about his life at all he was like "AYYYY!" (panting) He stopped right in front of me and he's like "AYE STOP! Hammer time!" (weirdly laughing) "Listen up brotha lemme tell you somethin... let me tell ya somenin brotha listen up. alright listen up brotha. Lemme tell you something alright listen. Imma tell you a secret you ready for the secret I'm gonna TELL YA! Listen up come close... come close brother come on! Come close...ah listen up brotha. Alright. You listening? You listening? Alright alright. Listen up brotha, BLACK POWA! (power) You know what I'm sayin brotha, BLACK POWA! Do you hear me?" I was like I hear what you're saying, but you're white, so I don't know why... Yeah, it's kind of weird, you know what I'm sayin? I was like "what do you want man?" He's like "Let me tell you what I want playa. Let a brotha like me borrow... Let me borrow, cuz imma give it back, lemme borrow... $75" I was like excuse me sir, but you just skipped a lot of levels, okay? $75 for what? He's like "I'm trying to get a soda!" I was like from where Whole Foods, like why do you need... like why do you need that much money, so I told him I was like "listen man, I'm not giving you $75 I'm not, cuz I only got $10... and I'm not giving you... $10 cuz I'm not stupid. Any amount of money I give you, you gonna probably take it and spend it on drugs. I can tell you're naked, okay?" And he said, this is what he said back, he was like, "WhaT? WhAT?! Let me tell ya somethin playa, alright. FIRST OFF! I ain't naked, I got socks on! SECOND OFF... ME? I aint never, okay!? I ain't never, in my life player! Listen up brotha! I AIN'T NEV- I I I I I I I I I I I (last one) I I- I AIN'T NEVer do drugs... Ever..." (audience laughing and clapping) And then he just- he flew away, so that was that. I like doing this joke: there's always few people in the crowd like dying laughing, the right next room is "HOW LONG IS HE GONNA DO THIS FOR!' Still going." My name is Preacher Lawson, thank you so much, I appreciate you.
