>>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
I'M DR. MARKOWITZ WITH NASA AND THIS IS DR. HANDLY WITH THE
INSTITUTE FOR TEMPORAL ANOMALIES.
>> WE'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY INTERESTED IN YOUR STORY AS
YOU'RE THE FIRST THREE PEOPLE TO HAVE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED TIME
TRAVEL EVENT. >> THIS IS BANANAS.
I MEAN, WE WERE JUST THREE BUDS WATCHING TV AND NOW, WE'RE
QUANTUM PIONEERS. >> NOW PLEASE TELL US HOW THIS
TIME PORTAL APPEARED. >> I GOT A THREE-MONTH TRIAL, WE
WERE WATCHING RAY DONOVAN ON SHOWTIME, AND I'M
A FAN, I'M A SUCKER FOR FLAWED HEROES, GOOD PERSON, BAD DEEDS,
THAT DICHOTOMY IS VERY RICH TO ME.
>> WONDERFUL. BUT IF YOU COULD FOCUS ON THE
TIME TRAVEL. >> UH, RIGHT, YEAH, WELL, ME AND
HER, WE WAS ON THE COUCH WHEN THIS GLOWING MAJESTIC GATEWAY
APPEARED AND WE DRIFTED INTO IT. AND WE FOUND OURSELVES IN A
GORGEOUS CITY MADE ENTIRELY OF CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING.
>> YEAH, AND WE WERE WELCOMED BY A GROUP OF PEOPLE MADE UP OF
JUST ALL THE RACES IN THE WORLD AND THEY SAID, WE ARE THE
COUNCIL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE FUTURE.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. >> AND YOU, MISS RAFFERTY?
>> YEAH, A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR ME, I MUST HAVE BEEN ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF THE PORTAL OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WASN'T SO
MUCH WELCOMED TO THE FUTURE AS I WAS VIOLENTLY SUCKED A MILLION
YEARS INTO THE PAST. I WENT TO CAVEMAN TIMES, MAN.
I GOT YANKED SO HARD, MY SWEATS AND MY SNEAKS STAYED IN THE
PRESENT. SO I LAND ASS UP FACE DOWN IN
THE MUD WITH MY COOTER AND TOOTER ON FULL DISPLAY.
AND I'M THINKING, "GOSH, LAST TIME I WAS IN THIS POSITION, I
GOT KICKED OUT OF WOODSTOCK '99."
>> AND WERE THERE PEOPLE THERE TO WELCOME YOU AS WELL?
>> "PEOPLE" IS SUCH A STRONG WORD.
YOU KNOW ON THE EVOLUTION CHART WHERE YOU SEE
HOW THE MONKEYS BECAME HUMAN? THESE GUYS HADN'T HIT THE
HALFWAY MARK YET. >> LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT HAPPENED
IN THE FUTURE. >> IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, I WOULD
HAVE WEPT BUT I WAS ALL CRIED OUT FROM WATCHING "NURSE JACKIE"
ON SHOWTIME. >> THESE TWO ARE WALKING AROUND
WAKANDA, MEANWHILE, WHERE I'M AT, IT'S THE RISE OF THE PLANET
OF THE APES, ALL 50 OF THESE HAIRY MONKEY PEOPLE ARE RUBBING
ME WITH THEIR BUTTS. IT AIN'T EXACTLY A TUSCAN
SUNSET. >> PERHAPS THIS WAS SOME SORT OF
PRIMITIVE RELIGIOUS RITUAL? >> BUDDY, GOD HAD NO PART IN
THIS. THEY WERE MARKING ME WITH THEIR
SCENT. AND THESE GUYS WEREN'T EXACTLY
ZESTFULLY CLEAN. THEY ZEBRA STRIPED MY T-SHIRT SO
MUCH, I LOOKED LIKE A FOOT LOCKER EMPLOYEE.
IT'S NEVER EASY MAKING NEW FRIENDS, RIGHT?
>> NOTED. AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN THE
FUTURE? >> WE WAS TAKEN TO THIS PLACE
CALLED THE OCULUS AND INSIDE WAS ALL THESE GATEWAYS TO OTHER
SOLAR SYSTEMS. >> EACH ONE WAS A PLANET THEY
HAD COLONIZED. I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS CHOSEN
TO WITNESS THIS. >> I TOO WAS CHOSEN.
CHOSEN BY THE ALPHA FEMALE TO BE HER NEW GIRLFRIEND.
SHE COMES AT ME LIKE A SILVERBACK, RIGHT?
RAGDOLLS ME. AND LOOK, I REALLY AIN'T INTO
LADIES BUT IF NOTHING ELSE IS OPEN, I'LL EAT AT A TACO BELL,
YOU SMELL WHAT I'M SAYING? >> YES, I THINK I DO.
>> SO ANYWAY, THIS GAL WANTS TO BOND, RIGHT?
DO YOU MIND, DEX? SHE CLIMBS ON MY BACK, RIGHT,
SHE STARTS PICKING AT ME, LOOKING FOR STUFF TO EAT.
AND UNFORTUNATELY SHE'S FINDING A BUFFET.
SO I GUESS THE SNACK GOT HER IN THE MOOD BECAUSE THEN SHE STARTS
LIKE GRINDING INTO MY HEAD, TRYING TO MATE WITH MY HAIR, I
GUESS. SHE'S USING MY FACE FOR LIKE A
HANDHOLD. THEN SHE GOES BACK TO EATING,
CLIMBS AROUND THE FRONT AND SEES MY EAR, WHICH I GUESS SHE THINKS
IS SOME KIND OF VENDING MACHINE BECAUSE SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S
CANDLING. BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAX.
OKAY. THEN FOR THE GRAND FINALE SHE
REACHES DOWN, SHE POPS A FINGER UP HER KEESTER, AND I'M LIKE,
HEY, CURIOUS GEORGINA, LAST PERSON TO TRY THAT NEVER SAW HIS
WEDDING RING AGAIN. >> YES.
THANK YOU FOR THAT. >> NO PROBLEM.
AND THANK YOU, DEX. >> YOUR JEANS RUG BURNED MY
NECK. >> I GOT BUSHED, SMUSHED BY A
CAVE WOMAN. YOU'LL LIVE.
>> NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT BACK TO THE PRESENT?
>> UMM, WELL, THE PORTAL OPENED UP, AND THE COUNCIL SAID WHEN
FEAR IS REPLACED BY TRUST, YOUR WORLD WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE.
SO THEN WE WERE HOME. >> YEAH.
IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
RIGHT UP THERE WITH GETTING THAT EMAIL THAT SAID YOU'VE BEEN
SELECTED FOR A FREE MONTH OF THE SHOWTIME CHANNEL.
>> SEE, THAT'S PISS IN MY PORRIDGE BECAUSE WHEN I DOVE IN
THE PORTAL TO GET HOME, STILL PANTSLESS, MIND YOU, I LANDED
DOWNWARD DOG IN A GRAND HYATT CASINO WITH MY BEAN BURRITO IN
BARRY LEVINE'S FACE. >> WHO IS BARRY LEVINE?
>> A YOUNG MAN WHO WILL NEVER FORGET HIS BAR MITZVAH. >> WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ALL
FOR A MEDICAL EXAM. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
