A Strategy on How to Diffuse from Reminders, Triggers, and Emotional Flooding after Infidelity

[Music] hi everyone I hope you're doing okay I know that most of the world is in some type of quarantine and we here in Austin Texas as of midnight last night went into a shelter-in-place order due to the nature of the work that we do we are allowed to come in to our studio and film so my producer and I came in and are going to film a series of videos and then go back home to our families I'm so glad that you have tuned in today and today I want to talk to you about triggers and reminders and intrusive thoughts if you are in a shelter-in-place or quarantine type situation it can really exacerbate things and it could make things very difficult but even if you're not and when we return to real life and we're able to kind of get back into our normal everyday responsibilities and lifestyle triggers and reminders are just part of recovery they're just part of what it takes to heal they're just part of dealing with trauma whether you're dealing with PTSD or complex PTSD or just betrayal trauma the fact is reminders triggers intrusive thoughts emotional flooding is what our community calls or describes when our heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute we are now flooding we're not thinking clearly we're not really understanding the words that are being said to us we're also not really able to comprehend them and if we're talking or raging or lashing out we're not even necessarily understanding what we're saying we are lashing out in a fight-or-flight response and sometimes it's a freeze response but there is a way to manage flooding there is a way to manage reminders even the most awful reminders for Samantha and I she had to wrestle with an enormous amount of triggers and reminders which would then equal this flooding there were reminders everywhere if you've experienced one reminder one trigger you understand it causes in you this enormous reaction that you're not even completely aware of and then we as unfaithful we see it we don't always see it but when we see it we kind of go oh and we don't usually have a plan we don't usually know what to do and we exhibit responses that are not helpful like here we go again or oh my gosh now really now this is when you're gonna have this or can we just move on can we stop talking about and the list goes on and on and on now I don't mind telling you that the most intense work with these reminders had to do with our physical intimacy and they were overwhelming overpowering triggers that would cause a reaction inside of Samantha at an enormous ly challenging time I had no idea how to handle it and had to be taught had to be coached into how to manage them because they were awful for her which would then cause me to circle the drain and kind of go into my own shame my own self-hatred my own helplessness I would then respond sometimes I would get mad at Samantha I would oftentimes get mad at God I would every single time get mad at myself and sometimes even damage myself emotionally to the point where it caused this upheaval not just in our attempt to reclaim our physical intimacy but just in everyday life so today I want to help both of you unfaithful and betrayed with one of the most effective things that you can do here's the strategy that was a complete game changer for us and really helped me but significantly also helped Samantha what we did was at a calm time at a time where the waters were very calm at a time when we were doing well see it's counterintuitive we think man things were going great let's not talk about anything to do with infidelity let's certainly not bring up anything that could trigger him or her let's just enjoy the moment and I got to tell you that's one of the worst things that you can do if you want to gain ground one of the best things that you can do is say okay it's a good time right now we've had some good moments it's not the first and only good time but we've had some good momentum maybe today or this week or what have you and you basically sit down and say okay I want to establish a plan for when reminders come blame me if you like because reminders are going to come triggers are going to come flooding is going to happen if you think that it's not going to happen you're fooling yourself and you're in denial so bring the fight to the reminders and triggers and sit with your significant other and say look they're going to come and they're going to come again and I want to be able to help you as an unfaithful manage them what would make you feel safe when you're flooding what would make you feel cared for what would help you diffuse them how can I be present with you and not make it about me but make it about you and not make it about you meaning oh here we go oh my gosh you're such a mess no no no how do I make it about you by simply saying what can I do in those moments you can also say tell me what you feel in those moments help me understand what's going on and you may as a betrayed say I don't even really know what's going on well tell me what you felt the other day when you felt triggered and flooded and it's probably an enormous amount of uncertainty but intense anger rage frustration hurt all of those things there's nothing wrong with simply talking about how you were feeling as a betrayed when you were flooded and helping the unfaithful understand that you probably don't even know you probably it's it's so fast it's not like you can go honey I think I'm about to be triggered my heart rate is going to explode and I'm probably going to say some things I'm going to regret and I'd like you to be aware that intense flooding is coming it doesn't work that way that's absurd but what you can take some of the power back and actually as a betrayed you can sit with your unfaithful and say this helps me feel safe when you do this when you do that when you do this I don't feel safe I feel even angrier it causes me to feel more pain more hurt more rage when you do these things I don't feel safe but when you do these things it helps me it diffuses the intensity of what I'm feeling when you use this tool this unties your hands to a certain extent you're still going to be flooded you're still going to have these difficult moments but at least you have a plan in place so that when it comes you as an unfaithful can try and do what the betrayed has asked you to do even though here's this is the kick in the teeth even though it's still not gonna be perfect it's still not gonna make them not flood but at least you have a plan you can mitigate this level-10 disaster maybe bring it down to a 5 you can at least not leave them in their pain and vacate the situation and do more damage you see as an unfaithful when you do this it shows that you care it shows that you are getting outside of your own world and thinking about someone else it shows empathy it shows respect it shows wisdom because you know that reminders are gonna come you understand it shows that you want to connect with them because you are trying to understand their world some of you may say Samuel there's no way I'm gonna do that they will cut my head off well is what you're doing working now can it get much worse why not try and be strategic why not try and be helpful why not try and actually anticipate the reminders that are gonna come and try and make a way to be a safe person for their emotion because I'm telling you if you can be safe for them you will minimize the length of the flooding episode and you will be able to connect with them in the middle of the most ungodly pain they've probably ever felt next to d-day going back to amantha and i struggle there were some really enormous ly emotional challenging moments especially when we were trying to be physically intimate and reclaim that territory for us sometimes Samantha just needed to be alone to cry sometimes she needed to be alone to self-soothe her emotions and her mental chaos and I would feel helpless and I hate to feel helpless so I would actually try and engage her and I learned no no no giving her space is not bad giving her space is not abandoning her that's what she wants and so when we had our conversations about how to mitigate some of the intensity she would say you know sometimes I need to be alone I don't feel that you're abandoning me I don't feel that you are being selfish I need to get away from you to calm myself down and I would say okay that makes sense sometimes she would say look I can't be intimate right now I need you to sit with me and hold me and just be here with me in this moment sometimes that meant not talking sometimes that meant talking most of all it was about connecting with her in her pain I wish you all the best I know it's a tough time I hope you're making it okay it's vital that you take care of yourself no one can take care of you no one can self-soothe like you can to yourself it's so important right now to be aware of your own feelings and emotions do what you can to take care of yourself and really put the foot down on the gas pedal of self-care now more than ever it's essential that you take care of yourself you you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 83,090

Keywords: infidelity, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, betrayal, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: Ad7iKCNtD88

Length: 11min 3sec (663 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 31 2020