4 U.S. Presidents Whose Lives Put Action Movies to Shame - Badassing Your Way Through History

welcome to badass on your way through history I am Daniel O'Brien head writer for crack calm and full disclosure I love presidents so if I had my brothers every president would have his or his own movie except Millard Fillmore who [ __ ] that guy he's the worst do you hear me film wars ghosts get at this I'm ready I also know that this is the internet and people won't click on a video titled 42 presidents who deserve their own movie so hey look it's me selling out if you know one thing about Grover Cleveland it's had a president named Grover that's a muppet name to which I'd say uh actually that's his middle name his first name was Steven to which you'd say no it's all just moved right on to the second thing that people think of when they think of Grover Cleveland he served two non-consecutive terms that's basically all you need to know to ace the Grover Cleveland a portion of your middle school history midterm because whatever public school system is broken but if you were actually a living breathing sexual human American during Cleveland's reign as president you know that Cleveland was synonymous with honesty in 1884 the American people had grown sour on the idea of big government and assumed all politicians were corrupt Cleveland emerged as a man of the people we told it like it was and always did the right thing a big walrus looking in sack a refreshing honesty which made it all the more surprising what he lied to the entire nation see Cleveland during his presidency found out that he had cancer in his [ __ ] head didn't want the world to know that he had cancer so he only told a group of about six people that didn't include his vice president whose name was gonzo hugging stuff because shut up you're not gonna look it up Cleveland brought this special team of doctors on a boat to perform the surgery at sea so no one could possibly walk in on them the refreshingly honest President of the United States staged a secret cancer removal surgery over a holiday weekend on a boat to hide his condition from everything the doctors even went in through the mouth so as not to leave scars and also to make the whole thing just as gross as possible if a small team of professionals secretly breaking into the mouth of a President to remove face cancer isn't the plot of an Ocean's eleven esque heist movie I don't know what is you know like shame filth or choke one of those moves Kennedy was a president for some amount of time during which I assume many interesting things happen but what I'm here to talk to you all about today is boning up which Kennedy did lots John the F stands for what you'd happily let him do to your girlfriend Kennedy admits of friends that he could not be satisfied if he didn't have sex at least three times a day and told the Prime Minister of the UK that if he went more than three days without having sex he would get terrible headaches which were that my problem my head would literally burst into anyway all just all the time his list of sexual exploits included Marilyn Monroe Jayne Mansfield Angie Dickinson pillar into Balkan and if you happen to have a grandmother who worked within five miles of the White House during Kennedy's administration very sorry to be one to tell you this but yes her to your grandmother there's nothing personal he's just a handsome robot that needed vagina to fuel his engines your grandma was like I had some vagina he was like made this fake movie isn't about sex robots though shotgun that idea it's about a sex addict there are plenty of movies that show Kennedy the hero or Kennedy the complicated man or Kennedy the guy who got shot real bad but I want a gritty dirty Kennedy like Michael Fassbender in shame James McAvoy and filth just a crazy self-destructive Kennedy stumbling around the country all braggadocio and dick swagger we got John Hamm do it oh that's way too long of a title Daniel make a note edit the title card down to something usable before you film this thing oh [ __ ] I already read it off a teleprompter I'm an idiot we can fix that in post right I'm an idiot awesome great thank you anyway Chester a Arthur brief history lesson in eighteen sixties America all of the real power went to what was known as political machines corrupt behind-the-scenes organizations responsible for all the sorts of crimes that white people with money get to commit the New York custom-house was the most powerful of these machines it collected tariffs on just about everything that came in to America which it could then use to financially bank the presidential candidate of its choice meaning that presidents were reliant on maintaining a good relationship with political machines people vote short but the machines could actually make someone president and Arthur was one of the three people who ran the New York Customs hasn't enjoyed lots of money unchecked power and slimy handshakes for years until President Rutherford fire him you know for crimes Arthur hoping to regain some of that prestige and influence hannah shook his way into being the Republican nominee for vice president under James Garfield the Garfield got shot on a Monday I bet and Arthur became president and here's where it gets cool given Arthur's past you'd assume that he would keep doing business as usual and be the most corrupt president ever perpetuating and strengthening the power of the political machines that for so long lined his pockets but no Arthur used his knowledge of the corrupt political machines to destroy them all of his former shitty friends the people who made him so powerful in the first place he systematically took them down he completely defanged them like only he as a former insider could do like Denzel Washington an American gangster helping Russell Crowe take down New York's worst drug dealers and also like Frank Lucas in real life I guess if you don't think Martin Scorsese could make an interesting miniseries about Chester Arthur's rise to corrupt power fall from corrupt power rise to legitimate power to undo all of his past wrongs than you you fear a bad person you're wrong mini-series would be awesome get DiCaprio fat and mutton choppy I'll do a funny voice great spoiler alert Herbert Hoover died I asked Jenna be a spoiler alert technically but I mean that Hoover died before anyone thought he died like he was a sick child and a doctor said this kids [ __ ] dead and his parent feel like that's fair so they put pennies on his eyes and covered him with a sheet which was custom back then for when people died and declared him dead which is custom still today the only problem was that Hoover was super still alive a few hours before his parents were probably going to bury him who were opened his eyes and was like damn it I was just sick for a little bit cool it and - I'll be fine which of course was an understatement once he faked died as a child who went on to absolutely crush the world his parents died for real a few years after Hoover died for pretend and Hoover alone at nine years old fell in with a gang of young Indian boys who taught him how to hunt and fight he's a bow and arrow he paid for his own education for various odd jobs and when he graduated college made a stupid amount of money in gold which he turned into an even stupider amount of money in white people's stuff which he turned into food and supplies for World War one soldiers it wasn't employed by the army or the government mind you he was just like hey I heard you guys like huge guns I've got some money here you go pay me back or don't whatever wha-hoo his favorite sport was a game called Cooper ball which is like volleyball except instead of using a soft bouncy volleyball they use a 10 pound medicine ball described by a friend as more strenuous than either boxing or wrestling or football Hoover ball was the preferred sport among fearless once-dead badasses and exclusively no one else the Hoover movie that I want to see doesn't even touch on his presidency I pay any amount of money to watch this little Hoover kid learn to fight survive in the wild just first act of hunger games and [ __ ] all day and pick himself up by his bootstraps and make a fortune while also throwing 10-pound balls at his buddies why hasn't movin made yet we got a J Edgar Hoover movie first horseshit Clint Eastwood it's horseshit I say they're even listening to me hi I'm the internet Samuel O'Brien from just seconds ago if you enjoyed that video and you like to learn more about presidents go to your local library or go to your even local er computer and order my book how to fight presidents at how to fight presidents calm it's a book and I wrote it as got president stuff in it a lot of the same jokes he just hurt but this time you have to read them so thanks

Channel: Cracked

Views: 4,309,589

Rating: 4.7089524 out of 5

Keywords: President Of The United States (Government Office Or Title), United States Of America (Country), Barack Obama (US President), Action Film (Film Genre), Daniel O'Brien, Presidents, Grover Cleveland (US President), parody, sketch, spoof, funny, comedy, satire, humor, Ocean's 11, JFK, John F. Kennedy (US President), sex, hilarious, Marilyn Monroe (Celebrity), Sex Addicts Anonymous (Nonprofit Organization), Chester A. Arthur (US President), Herbert Hoover (US President), Rambo

Id: eFXYd0S443k

Length: 8min 19sec (499 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 29 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/Thezeek21055]

Lol

[u/Z582]

Watched this years ago. I miss Cracked.