Transcriber: Morgane Quilfen
Reviewer: Tanya Cushman I'm six years old, and all I can think about
is getting the pink Barbie Corvette! I need five more dollars. Luckily for me, it's Easter, and I know that my dad always hides
one coveted five-dollar egg. I also know the best egg
is the hardest to find. This year, I'm ready! Before long, I spot it, right in the middle
of my sweet '70s swing set pole! You know, the one that runs
along the entire top of the set. I scramble to get the ladder
and the yardstick and duct tape it to a broom handle. I fish it into the pipe,
and I shove at it hard. It flies out the other side, and by the time it hits the ground, I'm waiting above it
like an expectant father. The egg cracks open and inside ... is the very opposite of my grand prize. Instead, a perfectly formed
dog turd rolls out. (Laughter) I burst into loud hysterics. At the same time,
my father explodes with laughter. (Laughter) I run as fast as I can to my room, but he's not far behind. It's time for one of his talks. "Honey, it was clear that you already learned
the important life lesson: the harder you work,
the better the payoff. So it was time that you learned
another valuable lesson: sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you just end up with shit!" (Laughter) And who better to teach just this sort of hard-hitting,
direct, and painful life lesson to six-year-old me than my father? I'm a divorce attorney. I've been practicing for over 20 years. I began in Los Angeles, but I've owned my firm
in Nevada since 2001. My firm has a particular sub-specialty: men's rights. My nine female employees and I specifically represent men
in divorce and custody battles. And guess who runs
the business end of my law firm? My father. (Laughter) In my practice, we've represented over 2,000 men, 650 of whom are fathers. My expertise not only comes from my career but just as much from my personal life. I'm a mother. My children are 23, 15, 12, and barely 3. They come from two different mothers
and three different fathers. Hooker! Let me explain. (Laughter) Let me explain. I helped my ex-husband
raise our 23-year-old son, whom I didn't birth, from age 5. I share custody of my 15-year-old daughter
with the same father. My 12-year-old son
sadly lost his father to suicide when he was just 7. And my 3-year-old
is being raised at home with his father and me. I literally live my work every day! (Laughter) So, what has 20 years
of representing men in family law while living my own reality show
as a wife, mother, and daughter taught me about fatherhood? Allow me, if you will, to start with the second thing
I learned about fatherhood: men parent differently than women. Big surprise! But their influence is crucial
in the development of their children. Do you know any mom in the world
who would put dog shit in an Easter egg? (Laughter) Okay, maybe that's a good thing. Let me better demonstrate this point
from my legal experience. When getting my father clients
ready for court, I prepare them for this kind
of interrogation: "Who's your children's doctor or dentist?" "What's the name of your school principal
or even their teacher?" "What grades did they get
on their last report card?" Nine times out of ten,
they miss the majority of these questions. Seriously. Does this mean they don't care
or love their children as much? I bet it makes you wonder. But please, hold your judgement. Here are the questions
that my father clients can easily answer: "If your son could be a superhero,
what would his power be?" "What kind of monsters do your kids fear?" "How high does your daughter
feel comfortable flying in a swing?" "What makes your son feel defeated?" Yet, in my experience cross-examining
hundreds of mothers in family court, these are the harder questions for them. Most of us know, motherhood
brings with it a sixth sense and an unspoken bond to our children. But what about fathers? Even fathers feel insecure
about this reality. After representing 650 fathers, I can count on one hand
those that felt secure in their instinctive role
and significance to their children. What's interesting is my anecdotal
legal experience suggests otherwise. In 20 years of practice, I've had
over 100 men take a paternity test - like Jerry Springer. Seriously. Do you know how many were wrong in predicting their biological
relation to the child? Two. This shocked me
and taught me my third lesson: fathers, too, have a genetic bond
and instinct about their children from infancy. Forget where you are for a moment,
seriously, and close your eyes. I'd like to ask you to feel. Think about your childhood. Picture your father, his smiling eyes, his strong hands. Hear his deep voice. What did you love about your dad? Did he throw you high into the air? Teach you to ride a bike? Carry you home when you got hurt? Push you when you tried to give up? What did it feel like to have a daddy? Secure? Fun? Challenging? Now, go back in your memories
and erase your father from every scene. This is what the other 40 percent
of people's childhoods look like. Just under half the people
listening to me, including my own 12-year-old son, felt sad, angry, or blank during the peak of your joy,
while playing along. Eye-opening, isn't it? Nearly two of every five
children in America are growing up without their fathers, or 17 million,
according to the 2016 census. Other sources estimate
as many as 30 million. In 2011, I joined the board
for a local charity called Nevada Youth Empowerment Project, or NYEP. NYEP is a housing program
for homeless girls ages 18 to 24. As board president of this small charity, I've been closely involved and gotten to know the girls
and their tragic stories over the years. Hundreds of otherwise homeless girls
have come to our program. Their backgrounds
and what they have endured would haunt you. Do you know the one thing
all of these girls have in common? They all come from fatherless homes. Sadly, these girls aren't the exception; they're the rule. My fourth lesson about fatherhood
came from the data. According to the Center
for Disease Control, children from fatherless homes account for 90 percent
of all homeless and runaway kids, 71 percent of high school dropouts, and 63 percent of youth suicides. While you listen to me speak,
you have to be wondering, "What makes fathers so crucial?" Honestly, the answer is complex
and better explored by psychologists. What I can tell you is that the data
unequivocally tells us fathers are vital and yet laws and society
undervalue their importance, making it harder for them
to be in their children's lives. Even fathers underrate their own value. I know this data upsets
a lot of mothers, me included. But advocating for fathers
isn't about diminishing mothers. While children deserve both parents
whenever possible, this crisis is specific to fathers. The occurrence of
fatherlessness is epidemic, the effects are catastrophic, and the causes are male gender specific. Nearly 30 years ago, leading child psychologist
Michael Lamb reminded us: "Fathers are the forgotten contributors
to child development." Yet, researchers have found
that children with involved fathers have stronger cognitive and motor skills, elevated physical and mental health, become better problem solvers, and are more confident,
curious, and empathetic. Sadly, we've had this data for 30 years, and fatherlessness has only
continued to rise during this time. The main contributors to fatherlessness
are divorce and out-of-wedlock births. Every 13 seconds,
someone in America gets divorced. That equates to almost
2.5 million divorces a year. Lucky me! (Laughter) Currently, more than 40 percent,
or 1.5 million babies, are born out of wedlock
each year in the US. And this brings me back
to the first and most significant thing that my career has taught me
about fatherhood: family court is one of the critical places
where fathers are disadvantaged, and this hurts kids. Historically, this maternal preference was solidified
in the tender years doctrine, which mandated custody of children
under age four be awarded to mothers. This doctrine was in use until the 80's. As the laws progressed,
visitation for fathers improved, but it took a lot of years
before the law was finally gender equal. In fact, it wasn't until 2017 that Nevada finally adopted
a presumption for joint physical custody. When I began my practice,
and until 10 years ago, the best my father clients could expect
was every-other-weekend visitation and maybe a dinner on the off week. While significant
legal progress has been made, this long-standing bias
against fathers still occurs in the enforcement of custody orders,
in child support rulings, and it exists in paternity laws. All the while, the number of kids
growing up without dads continues to rise. Between 1960 and 2016, the percentage of children
growing up with just mothers nearly tripled, from 8 to 23 percent. Paternity laws
desperately need more reform to protect the 40 percent of children
born out of wedlock each year in the US. Right now, once custody has been ordered, it's illegal to remove a child
from their father - usually a felony. But it's perfectly legal,
in all 50 states, for a woman to conceal her pregnancy, leave the father's name
off the birth certificate, and never tell him he has a child, ever! How is this not kidnapping? Just as horrible, a woman can knowingly
list the wrong father in a child's birth certificate, deceive him, and a short while later, in many states, the wrong man becomes
that child's legal father forever. He's obligated to a child that isn't his. And that child just lost their real father
with little to no recourse. This is a betrayal of the worst kind. And the law not only allows it,
it creates the opportunity. This is what we know. Every bit of data we have tells us
children need their fathers! The law, its application,
and society at large disfavor fathers. The law is improving, but the statistics are not. So, what can you do? We are the change makers, all of us. If you're a father, make the effort, do everything you can
to be in your children's daily lives. If you're a mother, encourage and facilitate the relationship
between your children and their father instead of trying
to interfere or control it. If you're a child,
spend time with your dad, ask him to do something,
seek his advice and guidance. If you're an employer, grant the fathers you employ the ability to be
at their children's events, to help in their schools, to take sick days to care for their kids. If you work in the legal field, help us continue to progress,
change the laws, and ensure that they're enforced
to protect fathers and their children. The importance of this pursuit
cannot be overstated. The fate of nearly half
of America's children depends on it. I'd like to close by asking all of you
to do one final thing. Please, stand if you are able
or raise your hand - I'm serious, please - if you grew up without a father, if you raised or are raising
a child without a father, or if you are a father
who's been separated from your child. Now, look around: the people really affected
by fatherlessness. Really, look. Those of you standing
and raising your hands aren't numbers. You're real living and feeling humans. You're the children
scarred by fatherlessness. Now let me tell you who can't stand. The 1,000 fatherless children
who were murdered last year. The 3,000 fatherless children
who died from drugs. The 3,200 fatherless children
who committed suicide last year. And the 14,000 fatherless children
who were incarcerated. Everyone, please, stand for them! And do everything you can to help the remaining 17 million
fatherless children avoid these fates. Thank you. (Applause and cheers)
TL:DR what did she learn?
Male Pediatrician here
Guys are straight up VILIFIED in our society. Single guy sitting in the airplane, next to a kid, sorry child molester you need to move. Dad traveling with his daughter, cops get called. Just last year I had a father ( who is doing a fucking awesome job raising his daughter after the mom passed away during labor) tell me that cops were called when he was at the park. I've had moms who say they are uncomfortable with a male doctor for a newborn, like what the hell lady, newborns are literally my expertise.
Custody battles are almost always won by the mother. Even when the mom has been incarcerated for drug use and child abuse, somehow they still end up shared custody, I never see that kind of leniency towards fathers.
This woman's presentation used to be the entire purpose behind the /r/mensrights subreddit. Unfortunately now it's not much more than a woman-bashing hate sub.
It's so important for modern society to realize the value of dads. My own wife thinks it's totally fine for a woman to decide to just have a baby and raise it on her own, no matter how much I point out that the facts show that children who grow up without a father are far more likely to end up in jail, chronically unemployed, homeless, in the exploitative sex industry, or dead from murder or suicide.
Dads are absolutely crucial. I realize this "triggers" people who have an emotional connection to the myth that modern women and their children are just as happy and have just as good outcomes without a husband/father. But it's that attitude of ignoring the facts because you're just not supposed to say that that is a big reason why 40% of children are being raised without a father. If your daughter ends up as a stripper who commits suicide after her boyfriend beats her again because she never learned how a real man should treat women, clinging to that myth won't bring her back to life.
it's funny how society mocks women with "daddy issues" while at the same time refusing to acknowledge the significance of a father's role in a girl's life
Being a present father and having a present father myself, this felt a little patronizing to me, and also playing pretty fast and loose with statistics.
I get her point that fathers should get equal treatment under the law, and totally agree. And things like paternity leave and changing other "unwritten rules" about parents who have careers, 100%.
But where this goes too far is claiming that fatherlessness is the primary factor in virtually every negative childhood behavioral or societal outcome. I'm almost motivated to go back and write down the statistics so I can compare them, but this would be a waste of time because she never mentions what the comparable statistics are for motherless homes. I would tend to think those outcomes are just as bad (or maybe worse). I would also like to see them compared to other situations like two working parents, or single parent who stays at home.
I think two grandparents can raise a child almost as well as two parents. Two parents can raise an adopted child as well as two biological parents (the part about fake birth certificates irked me). A mother and grandmother working together can raise a child as well as two parents. Two parental figures under one roof is good, three or more is better. But even if there are two parents, if they both work full time and the kid is raised at crowded daycare (or worse, by the TV) then the outcome may be worse than a single parent who stays at home with kids.
Edit: If you're trying to avoid things like suicide, runaways, drug use, etc, then parental attention is the best thing to maximize, not necessarily focusing on gender roles or biological parentage as she explicitly delineates in this presentation.
I get it that TED talks are supposed to have some "punch", so the drama needs to be pumped up a little to get any kind of traction. But this one dials up the wow factor at the expense of the data. That being said, any father fighting for parental rights in court should definitely be hiring someone who thinks like her.
I miss my son, so does the rest of my side of the family...
Wish my ex would see this video. She would cut her nose off to spite her own face. This video would trigger the ever living fuck out of her.
"What did it feel like to have a dad?"
I have no idea, lady.