Men Vs. Women When It Comes to Commitment in a Relationship Matthew Hussey and Lewis Howes

but do people even really want to stand out to have a committed long-term relationship or they more just they say they want the commitment but their actions don't back it with just constantly um being surface level or constantly being a part of the noise as opposed to trying to stand out it's like they might try to especially with guys it's like okay maybe it seems like more women want to be committed than more guys want to be committed i well that's a tricky one i most people i believe who think they are evolved enough for a relationship or not right and when do you know a long time by the way i count myself in that category where i thought i went to memphis i really thought there were times in my life where i really thought i was a great i was a great guy i wasn't i was a it wasn't that i was ever a nasty person i was never a mean person i was never a that wasn't the great partner i thought i was it's not like i you know there were times in my life where i thought god i'm just i'd just be a great partner to someone and i was not ready to be a great partner to someone because i think the first time you really give yourself to something really commit yourself to not just your own happiness and your own needs because that's what most people talk about when they talk about a relationship is their needs their happiness right how good it feels to be in a relationship it's about them but it's not about seeing someone else truly seeing someone else and understanding who they are and understanding what their needs are and supporting them and their happiness and their goals it's a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and you just say i'm gonna give to this person and look at them from a place of understanding and want to bring them so much joy and fulfillment and not expecting return but hopefully the other person is saying the same thing to about you well yes and no there's a lot of there are a lot of people who on that idea that ethos have lived a very masochistic life for a long time really that by the way you what you just described could describe one of two things one beautiful one terrible what you just described could either be an extraordinary relationship with two givers or it could describe unrequited love it could describe the person who is giving giving giving giving giving to someone and playing the martyr in their own relationship they keep ignoring me they keep you know not meeting my my needs they keep being selfish they keep but i am just going to show up and be my best partner and love them and give my all and one day they will turn around to meet me in that right many many people have have caused tremendous suffering to themselves and and wasted a lot of good years so is it both given to yourself make sure you're asking for what you need but also giving it's i it's a combination of respecting what your core needs are what what do i need like when it really comes down to it what's my standard for what i need now how exactly someone meets that standard is that's where the messiness of relationships comes in because you say i want to be respected and then someone does something and you go i don't feel respected but they go but that doesn't mean a lack of respect to me so now we have a whole conversation on the execution of a standard oh my god and different definitions of what meets that standard that's that's where the confusion comes in and that's where we have to have some really loving cooperative conversations to figure out am i you know am i being this is one of the hardest parts of a relationship am i being reasonable in asking for what i'm asking for or is this my insecurities oh wow you know am i which one is talking and sometimes we're so close we don't even know that's the danger that's by the way i see one of the most valuable jobs i can do for people in my work is not to be a smarter voice than they are because people are smart people can be great they can when it comes to their friends or people around them or whatever they can be very smart but to be an objective voice outside of their drunken haze because we're so close to something we get we when we're not sober and now we don't have logical answers to questions because someone's we get to the point we're arguing about something i don't even know if i'm right i don't know if the thing i'm saying is is if i'm being the insecure one or if i'm being the reasonable one and sometimes we leave a situation we go god i was insecure and sometimes we leave and we go i can't believe i let someone convince me i was crazy right they like they were the one that was doing the wrong thing and they convinced me that i was nuts so how do we step out of that emotional feeling where we're feeling overwhelmed or disrespected or hurt or sad or like their relationship didn't meet an expectation or communication was off and we're in it and we're communicating and we're both frustrated how do you step out and look at it from a different point of view so that you just don't keep repeating that conversation over and over i mean they don't hurt it further yeah i i think there's a we have to have a really healthy combination of always questioning ourselves and and saying where is this coming from for me and would it really hurt me to compromise on this standard is is would it be the more loving thing to do to understand this about my partner but in order to that that needs to be combined with a simultaneous respect for ourselves and what we need and to i think go to a situation and say okay i want to be the most understanding compassionate loving partner i can be who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner who supports them wants them to do great but i also need to recognize that um it's not what was i saying i lost my train of thought i need to be the person that can um be understanding what was i saying the understanding of my partner you want to be the most understanding of someone else but you also have to know your own needs the understanding of someone else but oh that's right i need to be the person that is understanding of the needs of my partner and what they want but at the same time um wow what was it loves my i need to be understanding of my partner's needs ah that's it i need to be understanding of my partner's needs but the context of me being super compassionate and understanding needs to be that i am um that this is happening in a loving environment where my partner wants to be my teammate if we're in a situation where our partner isn't showing empathy for us and isn't tr like if you feel they're not trying to that we're always coming to that side that's a problem that's tough that's a problem there should be seeing i see where you're coming from as well type of energy and communication exactly not just i'm not getting what i want you did this wrong you need to feel you have a teammate yeah and a lot of people feel like they're constantly being understanding but they don't have a teammate on the other side i'm constantly trying to grow and understand your position but i don't feel the same from your side that then becomes a problem how do you have a conversation so that it switches or becomes more of a equal partnership and teammate if you feel like you're the only one being on the team how do you get the other person i think we need to communicate a lot about what about the spirit of the relationship you know i mean like not keeping score yeah like pride is a very hard thing to give up in a relationship because we become competitive often very quickly when we feel threatened when we feel vulnerable when we thought our partner's done something to hurt us now i'm now how do i score a point or how do i know and that's that's a just once you get into that cycle it's like you're just it it spirals it has to one person has to be prepared to break that cycle i'm not going to do that game and i do believe that we have to love the way we want to be loved and we have to constantly educate our partner on what it is to love not from an arrogant place but we're all in a sense both partners are always educating each other by you do something i don't like and if i have a loving compassionate response to that i'm also showing you what i want this to be in reverse when i do something you don't like right here's the response i want i'm not attacking you not a game-playing response not a you know like if you see a partner you're in the early stages of relationship and you feel your partner was really flirting with someone over there having a conversation about something that made you feel uncomfortable but from a loving place and from a kind place and from a place of that made me feel you know it hurt me to see that and not i'm going to blame you and i'm going to do this i'm going to get angry but that you know that made me feel uncomfortable bringing an energy like that most people aren't used to that in a relationship we're not used to that standard of communication we're used to doing something and then someone attacks us reacting yeah exactly so i think it's educated we're constantly educating what's it gonna take for us to not react to a situation where we feel hurt or like we our expectation wasn't met from our partner and come from that place god it's so difficult because why why do we react so much some sometimes it's just space like how i need to take a moment to to process something so that i can say i can have a more evolved response and not react it's funny i've been you know the relationship i've been in uh which is newer in the last five months i want to talk about something right away and address it she doesn't want to talk she wants to have space so she doesn't react yeah so she's and she'll say like i don't want to get angry at you i don't want to yell at you that's not the type of person i want to be so i'd rather just not talk and then i'm in limbo and i'm like i just wanna i just wanna like get resolve this thing let's at least communicate and then we can move on as opposed to holding on to something yeah for half a day or a few hours yeah i that here's the thing space is easy when you get a text you don't like you know or when you see something you don't like from afar and and you're not going to see that person for a few hours or till tomorrow now you have space to go through you know i'm angry you know i'm really really angry i'm upset i'm sad i'm hurt i feel rejected i don't feel enough i you know you can kind of cycle through those and then have a couple of sensible conversations with people whose opinions you respect you and i have yeah we're gonna be like it's not that big a deal take a break this thing i'm feeling this and i'm hurt and i'm this and i'm that and that and you have a couple of smart voices either that come from in here which is hard to do which is very hard to get that objectivity and all that come you know from just one or two people whose opinions you really respect who aren't going to tell you what you want to hear yeah who aren't going to tell you you're so right to be to feel that way get angry here's someone who is brave enough and close enough to you and smart enough sometimes to recognize you i'm concerned that you're overreacting to this and that this this reaction is not going to serve you yeah and i think you need to bring this energy to the conversation that is extremely valuable what's hard is when you get information in real time and you're with the person and you're in the same room and now you're dealing with trying to process and create that you know okay i need to i'm trying to get to a more positive place here while being asked to communicate in real time well real time elicits reflex responses and reflex responses are often very harmful to a relationship it's the um reflex responses are often based on instinct and instinct is very very dangerous false instinct so often told you know trust your instincts and that's just not often great advice if you're not emotionally intelligent and you haven't if you're jealous all the time then having a jealous instinct isn't necessarily the best thing but some of these instincts are kind of hardwired right what we're doing with a lot of our better nature is overcoming certain programming that we have you know in a riptide you get pulled out to see your instinct tells you in that moment to swim back to shore against the current ignore the riptide i just need to get back to shore which is stronger you or the current the current and it will drown you you will exhaust and drown before you get back true so until it washes you to shore just like right so in that moment fighting harder won't save you thinking clearer will and thinking more clearly means i need to swim sideways i need to swim parallel let it take me out swim further not parallel because i've actually i'm giving myself a fur a longer journey but then when i'm out of the current then i can swim back to shore that's true now that's not instinct won't get you to do that because that requires thinking clearly instinct will drown you in that moment and in a relationship in dating your instincts will get you killed that's true you know your instinct says the woman goes on a date with a guy and has a great time and says your instinct says clear the calendar for the next three months we found him right we did it guys we had an amazing night clear the schedule we were connected on every level he's awesome we have a great connection clear the calendar this is what we're doing now wow even if i'm not even saying someone who hates the rest of their life you can like your job and still be so caught up in the chemical rush of this was amazing that this is all you want to do now right well this isn't good for what you want to happen here what do you want to happen well you want to get to know this person better spend more time with them invest at an organic pace based on the level of investment that's going on right the thing i've said for years don't invest in someone based on how much you like them invest on based on how much they invest in you people don't do that people invest on instinct i really like them and my investment is proportionate to how much i like them not how much i'm seeing there's a mutual investment and if you want to learn more about mastering relationships then make sure to check out this video right here exactly how you are i love you like no changes nothing i i love you exactly how you are sometimes we feel like we're owed that and it kind of becomes an excuse again lazy to grow

Channel: Greatness Clips - Lewis Howes

Views: 66,226

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Id: RmpiCoAR1Vo

Length: 16min 37sec (997 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 24 2020