The Psychology Of Compatibility | The Mel Robbins Show

so what does it mean to be compatible what is that word even mean yeah well compatibility is all about the way that we fit right and sometimes we are not compatible at all and we can recognize that right away sometimes one of us is compatible with the other person and while the other person is not compatible at all I call that one way compatibility oh wait hold on a second one way compatibility yeah so one way compatibility would I show my clients to illustrate this really easily and I brought a graphic for you to see this today it's kind of like the circle and the square right okay Majan that you're the square and I'm the circle okay I fit into you know you're able to touch all of my points you complete me it feels good you are able to do all that I need to fulfill me cuz the circle fits inside the square right but the square has edges that are never touched and so they have unmet needs and so they sit in a relationship and they go you know what for some reason this just doesn't feel fully satisfying to me while the other person is going what is wrong I'm so happy I give you everything does it feel wonderful to you right and then we try to shrink the square to jam circle right absolutely it's where we get in trouble how do you know if you are truly compatible yeah with your partner well you know it is really about how well we fit and that doesn't mean that we are the same but it means that our rhythm flows in a way that fulfills my needs and your needs are being fulfilled as well it's a very reciprocal thing and some couples have to work very hard at being compatible and finding that fit and for other people it flows more naturally why do people constantly go after people that they're not compatible with oh my goodness because it fills a need for us see there are different types of things and I tell people all the time and your adult relationships you're doing one of two things either I'm healing that dysfunctional trauma that I brought into this relationship you're healing me you're growing me you're stretching me you're causing me to confront those things so that I create new healthier patterns or you are a wound mate for me and you allow me to be triggered over and over so that we continue in our dysfunctional patterns that were comfortable with oh my god did you just say wound mate yes a wound mate is that what you're doing if you keep picking the wrong pretty lingering over so so we hear it all the time on this show I bet you hear this like a broken record too why do I keep picking the wrong person uh-huh because you're a wound mate that's right and it's where did you learn that who is that person representing for you in your life it could be a parent it could be a grandparent it could be an old flame it is that re-creation of the same trauma so that I can show up differently and is it that it feels familiar that's why you keep doing it no you don't want to absolutely because see at least I know this demon right I know how to confront it I know how to deal with it but the anxiety of doing something different the fear of the unknown even though I may want to get there the fear of what it's going to take and whether I actually can show up in it in the way I need to oftentimes we're not willing to break through that cycle do opposites attract how does that whole saying fit into wound mate yeah well it's not always about what's opposite it's about what it is that I need and one of the things that I love to tell people is what we do unfortunately is we walk out and we wear masks all day every day and so I like to put it in terms of color right so say I on the inside Who I am at my core is really a soft sensitive vulnerable person who's highly intimate who needs that cuddling who needs that if I see a lilac oh okay well here we go but I'm afraid to be taken advantage of okay I've been taught either through conditioning or through my own experiences that the world is a scary place that people will take advantage of you if you let them and so you can't show the world that so every day I put on a mask what color do we gonna red okay so every day I brightness wait and ask right and this version of me is strong it's hard it's independent it doesn't need anybody it's standoffish because I'm protecting myself so if I walk out every day wearing a red mask Who am I going to attract oh people that are attracted to red so I'm going to be in relationship with people who are attracted to red but meanwhile my needs are gonna be unmet because I'm really lilac and so I'm gonna sit in this relationship unhappy and miserable and unfulfilled because the individuals that I should be with who would be attracted to lilac will pass me by every day holy cow I like I mean I have to pick my jaw up off the floor because I've never heard anyone describe it like that yeah and so the hard part is if you really want to find the person that you're compatible with you have to be brave enough to show up so not only can you attract them but you can choose them because we're constantly choosing the people that we bring into our life everything is a series of choices but if what you see out there does not resonate you're going to choose from the candidates that are in front of you so when it comes to somebody that's a fit compatibility you say that there are signs yes so look for what are this okay so they are big ones and what it's really about is intimacy and I tell couples it's a really easy acronym some relationships rise some relationships fall you want one that rises now can I ask you a question mm-hmm when you say the word intimacy mm-hmm what do you mean intimacy means in to me see into my deepest most vulnerable parts how well do you know me how well am i showing up in those spaces and when I show you who I am at my core do we really line up so you said relationship riser they've yeah and there are five kinds of interview so what are okay so this is an acronym this is how you remember this so the R stands for recreational intimacy doing things together so if I'm a type-a person I love skydiving I love hiking I'm kayaking do you love those things to do we line up it's important because if you're a person who says well I hate all that I'd rather spend my nights watching TV cut look oh well then we don't necessarily have a high level of recreational compatibility so that's important okay the eye is intellectual intimacy do we feed each other can we have conversations if I love that intense stimulation can we go from politics to sports to world events to geography and can you meet me there and do you enjoy it or do we say why are you so intense all the time why do we have to talk can we just kind of sit and be those things are important the S is spiritual intimacy and this is different than religion we don't have to have the same religion but do we see our concept of the world of creator of how we exist as global citizens do we see ourselves the same so spiritually are we connected do we grow and nurture each other and feed each other in that space or do we make each other feel small or shrink or question our own spiritual growth so that's important okay the E is emotional intimacy are we warm and fuzzy do I really feel like you get me do I feel safe and vulnerable tomorrow or am i more like kind of a cactus listen I don't need all that touchy-feely emotional stuff be tough be strong and then that last s its last but it's definitely not least sexual intimacy do we like the same things do we light each other's fire are we into the same kinds of exploration or are we both conservative are we talking about it in terms of how much sex we want how often do we show up and feed each other in that passion place some relationships rise some fall you want one that Rises and the secret to a relationship that Rises lies in those five forms Ryan C do you have to have all of them no okay but it's important that you have the ones that fit it has to be about you how well do we line up if I don't need those things and you don't need those things and we're great but if I need them and you can't meet that need now we have an issue and do we figure out how to do that with each other or do we now have to go out and bring other folks into our relationship sometimes in platonic ways sometimes in consensually non-monogamous ways how do we get those needs met got it well I know that everybody's now wondering holy cow how do I know if I am compatible well we have created a quiz to tell you whether or not you're compatible with your partner let me give you the questions real quick cuz you can take it right here at home do you miss your partner when you're apart for a long time why is this important because that's emotional intimacy see I'm connected to you we're in alignment we're in sync and so when I don't have your presence near me then everything about how my world operates is out of sync oh that's a good one do you trust your partner mm-hmm now I almost just asked you there's a big difference between missing your partner and then wondering what they're doing oh not around right huge difference and it's not only do I trust you in how you're behaving out of my presence but do I trust you with me do I trust you with Who I am do I trust you with my secrets have I told you everything that there is to know about me and if not then why not so why do we stay with somebody that we don't trust because again it allows us to perpetuate those dysfunctional cycles if I stay with you and I don't trust you what then do I continue to do I'm allowed to hide I'm allowed to feel unsafe I'm allowed to stay disconnected it allows us not to go through the process of having to show up in our own lives and question number three do you have compatible lifestyles what does that mean can you give me an example yeah so if I'm a person who says I love to get up early in the morning I like to get my day done I'm very ambitious I'm very driven and goal-oriented you probably don't necessarily want somebody who matches you in that place because each other yeah exactly exactly but by the same token you don't want someone who's the complete opposite of that either because then they'll just simply drag you down or you'll find yourself disliking them and trying to change who they are question 4 can you talk to your partner about anything yeah if you don't have that openness if you don't have that transparency then that says that either they don't create a space for you to feel okay or you don't create that space for them so there are places and spaces in our relationship that we can't go and usually that's where the toxins are that will kill your relationship and question 5 do you laugh together oh yes because laughter is the thing that heals you and if we can't laugh if we have to take everything seriously in our relationship then we are not compatible

Channel: Mel Robbins Show

Views: 802,171

Keywords: Mel Robbins 54321 Rule, Mel Robbins Show, Mel Robbins, Motivational Speaker, Self Help, Talk Show, Positivity, Positive Change, compatibility, how to find love, how to find the right person, love, couple issues, finding love

Id: W1hA4cKXU18

Length: 11min 6sec (666 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 28 2020