The BIGGEST Reasons 80% Of Relationships FAIL... | Esther Perel

what are the core uh reasons or the core things you see over and over that uh either end or make a relationship challenging to be in the longer end what are the what are the ones that what are the challenges that come up over and over that you see so there's always three questions right what's a driving relationship a thriving one yeah what can go wrong and how do you fix it okay so you started with the middle question what goes wrong i think there's a number of things in a relationship that that uh that becomes the the kind of uh cornerstones of the demise okay and i'm not going to lease them in order but they all are part of each other indifference and contempt and neglect and violence are probably the four most important okay i'm not talking about big violence microaggressions are plenty indifference when you start to feel like the other person fundamentally is not really caring about you anymore or you don't care about them what they feel what they think who they are what they're about they don't care you've lost interest but it's more than losing of interest it's also when you are doing different you degrade the other person they're less important to you they don't matter and ultimately what we feel in relationships is that we matter that is the essential reason for connecting to people is that we are creatures of meaning right i matter to you i'm someone you care about me you want my mail you want my well-being you're proud of me you you want good for me you're benevolent all of that when you are indifferent the whole thing goes and then you start to this that coldness that creeps in that sense of estrangement that complete disconnect that the second one is neglect neglect when people just basically take each other for granted you know they take more care of their car than of their partners their dog or their dog anybody anything their yard anything anything gets attendants their business for sure their business for sure you know everything gets priority everything gets reviewed evaluated attended to 360s you name it you know new input my god it's like people have this idea that they put it all in when they were dating and then once they sealed the knot it's like as if they tied the knot it's like now they don't have to do squat anymore and they go into this kind of complete sense of complacency and laziness it's an amazing thing they think this thing is just going to live on its own right like a cactus right violence violence the abuse the level of of disrespect i mean most people talk nicer to anybody else than their partner when a relationship because you can't get away with it because you can't get away with it because if you talk like this at work you're gone because if you talk like this with the police you're gone because if you talk like this on the street you're being punched but with your partner you have that sense that they're gonna be there anyway they're just going to take it because it's family and family is this kind of this thing that doesn't dissolve so easily so you can just lash out at them and talk to them with a tone and a dismissal that is phenomenal so that kind of violence i'm not talking physical violence and all the other big big things you're talking about aggression or resentment or all of that yeah all of that you know passive aggressiveness all those things yeah all of that and then and then um contempt i think is the top one contempt is the killer of them all right because in in the contempt there is a real there's the degradation of there is is that that complete this you're nothing you're nothing i can kill you with that one guess that one eyebrow that goes up you know stuff do you who do you think you are what are and that's it you you're done you're done so how do we even get to this place of these these places after having been so in love and so romantic right is desire uh reflect that or if we're not desiring the person anymore then we start to feel one of those categories or does that not play into look the truth is this there's only two relationships that resemble each other the one you have with your parents or the people who raise you and the one you have with the people you fall in love with people can sit in my office all the time and say i have this with no one else i don't have this with anybody at work nobody among my friends ever thinks like that you're the only one who speaks like this or thinks this about me or with whom i do this no you're the the only one and now we go back in history and i'm sorry to be the psychologist but that's really it is the place where we often learned about closeness trust loyalty commitment sharing taking receiving asking all these essential verbs of relationships we learned that at home we also learned jealousy and possessiveness vengeance you name them the beauty and the not beauty yeah we saw it all as children right we saw the fights we saw the love we saw the you know we saw the coldness the lack of the intimacy yes and we bring that with us and we often promise ourselves i'll never be this one i'll never be this way i'll never talk like this i'll you know and we find ourselves often much closer to the apple and then presenting ourselves to the tree we resent ourselves we're like how do we do that well why don't we get to this place and then we feel ashamed about it and since we don't like to feel ashamed about it we hide it and one of the way we hide it is we blame the partner that's just one of the ways we are very resourceful in not owning our right exactly exactly wow okay um and where does sex play in all this and desire so i mean the one of the fascinating things for me in looking at sexuality is that it's probably one of the dimensions of relationship that has changed the most in a very very short amount of time for most of history and it's still the majority of the world sex is for procreation sex is a marital duty on the part of the woman nobody cares particularly if she likes it and how she feels and if she wants it and and men have the privilege to go and find sex elsewhere in a very short amount of time we're talking 60 years we have contraception which is the liberation of women for the first time to free sex from reproduction from mortality from death in pregnancy and in childbirth sorry all of that and for the first time sexuality moves from just biology and a condition to a part of our identity and a lifestyle in 60 years in 60 years the women's movement which goes after the abuses of power the gay movement which introduces the concept of identity to sexuality the fact that sex is for connection and pleasure the fact that for the first time we have sex before marriage and many times a lot we used to marry and have sex for the first time now we marry and we stop having sex with others okay monogamy used to be one person for life now monogamy is one person at a time and people go around telling you i'm monogamous in all my relationships and it makes perfect sense to me okay all of that in a very short amount of time the fact that i choose you to marry or to live together doesn't matter commitment because i'm attracted to you because you give me butterflies in my stomach and the fact that i think that if i don't have these butterflies anymore maybe i don't love you anymore and the fact that sexuality in long-term relationships is rooted in wanting only desire i feel like it i want to not i have to not we want many kids after two kids the only reason to continue doing it with you is because we feel like it's right right it's pleasurable we connect it feels good it rounds up our relationship the whole thing that's it and hopefully it's at the same time and for each other because plenty of desire continues but it's not always at home right exactly so this is an amazing revolution sex that's confusing all of us and how do we sustain it so that's why i became fascinated in the nature of erotic desire and how do we sustain desire because it is the first time ever that we have a grand experiment of the human kind where we want sex with one person in the long haul that is fun and connected and intimate and playful and we live twice as long go figure right exactly for 60 years you're going to be with it or whatever it is yeah it's an amazing idea so how do we navigate this if we're going to choose one partner and be with them until you know we're both gone how do we navigate the challenge of keeping the desire continuously i think both men and women because the woman probably sees other men who are attracted to her and you know vice versa so it's like how do both parties do this look we know that women get bored with monogamy much sooner than men wow that's research okay that's not just fact that's uh that is men's desire in long-term relationship goes down gradually he actually is much more able to remain interested and maybe just because he's interested in the experience itself and he has a partner there women's desire post-marriage really wow and it's always been translated as well that's because women care less about sex rather than it's because women care less about the sex that they can have in their committed relationships which is often not interesting enough for them and it often has to do with the fact that the story the character the plot is not in it's not seductive the romance which is an essential ingredient of turn on for the woman often disappears in the long-term relationship it's like people look at each other at the end of the day and you want to fool around you want to do it you're up for it tonight now this is really not this is not very much of a turn on for most women and the idea that foreplay often starts at the end of the previous orgasm you know and not five minutes before the real thing right which for her is not the real thing the whole the real thing is everything else so it's essentially the game yes it's creating a game seduction it's a plot it's a coming close it's a team history it's what animals call pacing it's that i come to you but i don't overwhelm you i come just a little bit so that you can come a little bit toward me and then i don't immediately answer i actually go back a little bit too have you ever seen animals they do this kind of pacing and it is an essential playful ingredient of seduction and and excitement so women's desire plummets but we interpret it as women are less interested in sex rather than women are interested in probably just about the same kind of things that many men are but women have always known what to choose above what turns them out which was what gives them stability and security security family someone to protect be there right so what people do look this is we want one partner today to give us everything that involves stability and security and everything that involves playfulness and mystery okay that's the grand ideal okay i want to be cozy with you and i want to have an edge and i want you to surprise me and i want you to be familiar and i want you to give me continuity and i want you to give me novelty that's it as if it's uh right and no victoria's secret is going to solve that yeah right so then it becomes what is desire desire is to own the wanting if you ask people a question that goes like this i turn myself off when i turn myself off by not you turn me off when and what turns me off is you're gonna hear i turn myself off when i do emails when i spend too much time on the phone when i over eat when i don't exercise when i have bad bad days at work when i don't feel confident when i numb myself when i feel dead when i don't feel contriving when i'm not alive you will really hear that it has very little to do with sex and when you ask people i turn myself on when or by i awaken my desires not you turn me on when and what turns me on is which is i you responsible for my wanting right what people will talk to you about is when i'm in nature when i'm connected with my friends when i get to do my sports when i play music when i listen to music it's through stuff that gives me pleasure that is alive that is vibrant that is vital that is erotic in the full sense of the word as life force and from that place people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the long haul it's not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds it's i feel good about myself the biggest turn on is confidence right confidence you ask people when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner every description has to do with when they're in their element when they're on stage when they're with when when when they're doing their sport when they when they are radiant when they are in their studio on the piano on the horse you name it it's when they are in their element i.e they don't need me to take care of them they're not depressed and down and lonely and sad they're not needy they don't need me because desire is about wanting you love is also about needing you caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti-aphrodisiac so how do you experience love and desire at the same time you calibrate it so sometimes you're it's the same as when you walk you have to move from one foot to the other a balance is not about staying on one side a balance is the ability to see right now we don't need caretaking we can be mischievous we can be naughty we can be playful we can break our own rules we can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock right and now we are in a playful zone now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home we are alive we're not just being dutiful responsible good citizens right it's that it's very small you know i mean i always think when i go and i see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well dressed and they're awake and all i think who is here with their partner because you can see them they're engaged they're giving the best of themselves that's erotic no the majority are not there with their partner they're there with their friends with their colleagues their partner is going to get the leftover when they come home at night sorry you know what forget the night date meet at lunch when you actually have energy you know when you and and in the middle of the day like that when you're awake when you have something to offer it's a very small thing but they don't do it they don't do it and you say why not why not why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache and just say this matters to me all in all you know committed sex is premeditated sex it's not just gonna happen because whatever is gonna just happen already has so you're going to make it happen because you say we matter we're important let's do this let's spend doesn't mean if you're going to make love or have so it just means we're going to take this hour and there's nothing else that matters in this moment but just you and i to be together to check in and then we'll see what unfolds that's the erotic space in which sex may happen probably will doesn't have to but it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge but people don't do that they do the responsibility that's the love right the citizen the commitment the caretaking the burdens the safe and then they say i'm bored i would be too okay exactly there's no mystery there's no risk taking right exactly there's no risk taking that's the word if you want desire it's risk and the risk is an emotional risk it's not about sexy risks it's really a risk on the emotional front is that i bring something else to you today differently from um differently from from the way i typically present myself sure you know how can i do this something what can i do today that will be different from the ways that i've done it until now how can i do something that i think would actually improve our relationship me right not something that i want or that you want but that i think would be actually good for us that third entity the us right and you check every time you know how often do you just go on the tried and trodden as in you know it works sex that just works for most people is really not interesting enough right so because what does it mean it works generally right what about the people listening or saying man that sounds like a lot of work that every day you have to change do something different and unique can be not every day not every day not every day but what you can do every day is just a quick check with yourself you know is there something that i should notice is there something that i can be thankful for is there a little note that i could write is there you know just a way that i can show up at time it's small it's really small um here's the thing there is work and then there is the creative work you know i'm talking about the level that is creative and that elevates you and that actually gives you you feel you feel taller you just feel like you're engaged you feel awake rather than this this is the other seated position it's comfortable it's great but nothing happens here sure this this is alert here's the essential word is curiosity when you're curious you lean forward and you watch you're open to the mysteries of life this is please don't bother me with anything because i don't want any stimulation i've had my share i've been you know and this is the position that most people have at home so when people say it's too much work um i basically say look you you if i was to say this in your business would you say this is too much work oh you would say that's very good advice this is high rate consulting fees it's like excuse me but you don't think for a minute that your business would thrive if you let it languish like that never you have a reward system you have incentives bonuses bonuses but there is no incentivized system as in in the private domain so people just think why bother right and that's the difference is that the ones who have good relationships are the ones who created their own internal incentive incentivized system what are some of those incentive systems that you've seen over time that really work or effective for long-term relationships i would say the first thing is almost one of the first things that our parents teach you please and thank you do you know how many people stop thanking their partners thank you thank you for doing this for me and thank you for picking up the shirts thank you for you know making you feel appreciated yes appreciation appreciation is huge uh gratitude acknowledgement of the presence of the other in your life not did you do this did you call did you pick up do this you know half the time expectations expectations of course you know expectations is often a resentment in the make it's like with the expectation comes the fear of it's not good thank person first of all and because it also makes it feel like this is not a given nobody owes you squat you're not owed anything you're not that important you're actually quite replaceable right and with the divorce rate that we have um what's the rate at right now about 50 on first and 65 on second 65 and second wow it's not good right it's really you know it costs a lot of money it's not good for the health i mean it's just like you know it's not good for the jobs it's it's just it's like okay now you could say maybe people should marry but it doesn't matter if it's marriage legally or the idea is that we can do better we can do better in general i really think that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships i mean nobody's gonna write you know uh you worked 60 70 80 90 hours a week and you know no they're going to say he was there for people when they needed to he was there at every game he was there at the party he's the guy who when you were in his presence he had charisma not because he could stand in front of a huge crowd but he had charisma because when i was in his presence he made me feel special it's a different charisma so appreciation gratitude thank you um little things to go out of your way rather than just to do the minimum a lot of people start to do the bare minimum just so that they can't be scolded right go an extra thing um on occasion just do something for the other person just because it matters to them even if you couldn't care less right rather than i don't it's not important to me i don't i don't need this or i don't care about this uh give each other a lot of individual space not everything needs to be shared people have different passions different interests different friends and they need those separate spaces to exist admiration i think is huge because admiration is also that you kind of really see the otherness of the other person don't try to make your partner into one person for everything there is no such a person find multiple sources of connection of intimacy of friendship so that you can have a group of people support you and don't have one person who has to be there for you for everything especially when you're in the dumpster we used to have a village of people to do that now we just expect one person to be the villager yes yes yes one person for the whole village that that is that is a unique it is and and then we're upset when they don't fulfill the mandate and that's the more import like i can't talk to you you're not supportive of me you're not excited for me excuse me find other people right you know i can't be everything for you no exactly no i think there's a number of things in a relationship that becomes the kind of uh cornerstones of the demise indifference and contempt and neglect and violence are probably the four most important

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Length: 23min 8sec (1388 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 10 2021