22 Minutes of Craig Ferguson Teaching You How to Flirt !

it's limited in what way is it limited well there are certain things you can't determine can't aren't there well yeah there's chance right but that's but that's chance that's not in your will though like your will you you make choices it's the the kir guardian either or conundrum right that any decision you make will have a percentage of regret attached to it will I get a tattoo will I not get a tattoo perhaps 80% uh of the regret of getting a tattoo you would experience but perhaps 80% of not getting the tattoo is the regret do you see where I'm going with this I'm so I I I I'm so so what tattoo should I get I don't know if you should get a tattoo I'm going to get one now after that well I don't know I mean I just find in my life there are many things that I regret not doing not the things that I did do I kind of I think oh well I I probably shouldn't have done that but you going to do and move on you yeah rarely do you regret an action it's in action that right do you do a lot of yoga no are you back to the LA thing well maybe I don't know are you are you very La do you do you eat a lot of kale I do and that makes you calm makes you a lot of things I'm kind of scared and kind of turned on at the same clearly you don't read your fan mail I didn't get F man I sent you a card I sent you a card and when I told your assistant that I loved your book she was like you read his book I thought his assistant doesn't even read his fan mail yeah no I I I swear I didn't I didn't get a card from I wrote you a card I I never got a response and I was very heartbroken well I I I I I'm I apologize right now that's what I'm looking for I just wanted an apology all I want you have it unreservedly oh no absolutely thank you really take your dress off no really I can I see oh you one of those up there oh wait up all right really we're going to do this yeah look at that sucker wow yeah Craig loves them and you know you made sure to say hi to Jeff can I interject I like it when you do that with your finger again right there should we just do the whole we'll just do it like this the whole like this tell me about yourself wait up can't think getting a little sweaty uh a little awkward now little what I am delighted about though are your shoes wow is that are do you bedazzle your own or is that a that's a big that's a high fashioned item v jazzle or bedazzle if you want to talk for jasine I am in let's go well let's just do an awkward pause or a quick mouth organ what do you prefer okay um uh the awkward POS is pretty yeah it's always a always a safe bet you've started then okay you're doing it I what [Music] oh I quite like that what you said God he goes on doesn't he I like your hand thanks very much you're hair I like the way you I like the way it goes down one side the hair on one side ring on the other I know very clever I like this so much you work out and do all that stuff I do what do you do I do yoga oh nice what kind of yoga Kundalini Yoga I like the Kundalini do you do you know what do you know what Kundalini is oh yes I do well I'm I do Kundalini is the one you do for a very long time isn't it no you hold the pose in Kundalini for a very long time you always have to go longer than you think you're going to have to go with the oldini we have to take a break do I get to come back you stay there no I stay here and I don't go anywhere well you could leave put on a bra and come back or or or there are op or not or you can stay here i' I'd like to stay I'd like to stay it's going to be a long commercial break you have me oh I I will thank you thank you will you pound me though I no well you look great you look so healthy thank you thanks so much I feel healthy you look very healthy indeed uh have you been have you been working out at all I have a lot yeah well because in the show you take your off a lot clearly constantly I I I wonder do you have any DVD copies of yes I do actually yeah I I quite like to see I'm having trouble keeping my eyes in one place Jennifer why is that well cuz I I they keep falling after all this time I haven't seen you for all this time and I and I'm not looking at you at all I Haven seen you for ages and I'm like hey what's up oh yeah that's good stick your hair in your cleavage that'll really make it okay you got them in all your tattoos in places that really hurt are you into pain hold on a second are you into pain you're in your therap I'm do the therapist you know I will admit this whenever I get a tattoo I it kind of do I kind of do like it but the the the you know I kind of do too except when I got it here that was here like oh yeah like that right that that no there is okay but just when it creeps into your it creeped up too high you let it creep High you let it creep up too high yeah you have picture tattoos I don't really have many picture tattoos I usually quote it up and I had to get myself to stop because I always go to this website to get these quotes and if I would have kept going I really would be a quotebook on my whole body I put too many quotes on me well that's all right that's going to make you you're pretty interesting anyway I mean uh but but like you know you you people could read you literally you can start a story and then if you like someone you can say do you want to see chapter 2 you you you do it here okay okay what's going on yeah hello how you doing I'm doing pretty good what's up how'd you know to find me oh I know where you are I've always known say Let's uh let's cut right to chapter four shall we did you just meow me there you meowed me you went meow your legs are here they are also they they tend to bring me wow I mean they don't just get you around they you're traveling in style they're getaway sticks yeah there you got a that's you're well done I you got your is that the shorts you've got on there yeah I'm wearing shorts mhm I noticed yep yeah thank you I like is your dress got bits cut in it that you can see through uh-huh great it's one of it's it's a magical illusion though you think you can see through it you can't I'm happy with thinking I can see through it oh love jazz love blues and I heard you play a mouth organ that I want you to blow a little bit later I also play the harmonica no you are you really are a fan of jazz yeah no I am I did this uh I did this movie in New Orleans last summer and I got really into the blues and every now we went to out to a different jazz blues bar and the harmonica just really kind of just got into my blood yeah it's good do you play yourself and I no I just got one though and I want to learn so maybe you could be my teacher no no I can't maybe I could is that the sore leg yes the doctor told me to elevate it so here we go no this is the late L show right it is now yeah I imagine a box in my head but I don't know what's in it only Jeff knows what's in the box okay you try and guess what's in it if you're right he'll tell you if you're wrong you have to pay a for feet what what's that mean means that something sexy happens to you to me or with with [Laughter] you last time I was here I had a red dress on oh I remember oh yeah do you like this one I really I pi to dress for you no it's really very very sexy it's got a kind of cority feel and then is that a oh it's a microphone oh right yeah I always walk with a microphone that's good in case you need to report to someone see when you have to put a microphone on like that backstage do our sound men put it on you or do you do your um no he was in there he unzipped my back of my dress it gets very intimate yeah I got the wrong job here and it's even fish like fish bumping against me I I don't know why I think they would bump against me thought I I dive uh often did they bump against you yeah and often times they go up and go have you seen Emily I wouldn't mind bumping against her and they all have slightly well they're pervy and they have kind of cogne accents which is weird they welcome to Hawaii they say and then you swim away you should try it's awesome but I do like that ring yeah thanks yeah yeah it's good I don't think it would fit you no it wouldn't fit me I've got big sausy fingers on your pinky even my pinkie is a bit sausy it's like I've got 2bs of sausages is that working out for you some girls like it yeah fantastic may I say that look at C wow that green dress that draws the eye than I'll be honest the green dress on its own would not draw my eye but with you in it suddenly there I am with my eyes drawn I'm Danish actually ah right like bacon yes like bacon I I thought oh must ask her if she likes bacon I thought you saying Danish like bacon Danish do like bacon actually yes I like bacon oh good I like bacon when it's extra crispy or am I thinking of Canadian bacon I think you're thinking of Canadian bacon you know what kind of bacon I'm talking about what is Canadian bacon like a ham right Canadian bacon doesn't have any fat in it hey hey hey hey um bacon no I what's frustrating is like when you date sometimes we guys think that just cuz you're the girl and like just CU I go on a date with you or or kiss you or have sex with you that all of a sudden I want to be with you forever because I just fainted inside the guys think that because they think oh you're the girl and I'm the guy and and I just the thing is that sometimes you're the girl and I'm the guy that's just how it is sometimes like I don't really want it sometimes I just need you to sometimes you want them to be quiet be like sh stop talking so much be pretty I love you I believe the children are our future te yes give them a I know I love that you you in gospel on me I had a few love affairs I'm known to be the international I like you already so you like to have international love affairs did tell me did any of your Spanish boyfriends have a mustache one actually I dated Mr Madrid for like a half a second right and then I dated a matador you dated a m i did indeed shut up girl that is awesome I mean I can't believe it did did did he have the big tight pants he did and he wore them like you did back in Florida which all kind of like I am in this yeah no it looks good it looks better on you than it does on a Mador now but the many people are yeah that's right yeah with the with the swinging and the T yeah we needed you as a guest star on that one I I would have you can do that for as long as you like CU you look great great I mean wow thanks I wore this just for you thank you so I can match your mug that it's a snake BRAC hand what is that a hand bracelet it's a really classy handcuff should we get a safety word going how have you been what have you been up to my God what the hell is that look at that thing God what jeez I get something on your neck there I can have a snake too what the hell is that it's a necklace it's fantastic thank you what wow can can would you mind if I tried that on oh really yeah sure thanks oh thanks very much oh my God oh my God yeah I have one word for you what Liberace I you know what I think mayor of San Francisco I bet you is that is that little studs up here that's an easy access button yeah yeah I'm always happy when you make it to the show it it makes me yeah that's right but the shoes stay on is that is good yeah that's very good come on yes yes ladies the shoes stay on the clothes come off what is that that looks like a pilot on your desk what is that well in a way is it's a large snake because I'm insecure about my penis have you ever come across that in man before have I ever come across your penis well have you Chelsea no have you no but you're one of the comedians that I would have had sex with I know you're a married man now so I would never do that now of course neither would you I hope and I but I I thought you were very sexy the first time I came on I did and then I found out you were sober and I was like oh forget it oh come on so you're not wearing a bra I love this really well that's good we're having a good time already no we are I I'm having an excellent time although I'm wearing a bra because but I'm older than you yeah that's what happens with age I I I love you had two children I have had two children they start to you need a little more help I think mine were doing that before the kids came along really how are are you rubbing in my chair like this is that is is that a bond villain thing you'd be a good Bond villain actually I think this is you know you I'm subliminally maybe doing what I whoa there might be oh no he does need a bra he does let me Flex let me Flex look here's here's the thing let's let's do a little role play here I like role play all right I'm the studio head right and you're pitching me this movie about hitchers all right you ready okay okay go can I do something sexual hey depends if you want your movie made or not I really have to pitch it now I'm horrible at this though I'm that's not my job I'm an actress I go in and just do the lines they tell me to do all right then you don't have to pitch you just do something sexual see you again you are indeed a shimmering Beacon of beauty this evening may I say thank you very much you look very very nice buried alive yes buried alive yeah who would do that a very bad man Craig you wouldn't know anything about it I think you'd be surprised and very good did you ever take an improv class no but I know that rule well that's the Only Rule I know and apparently the Only Rule there is really what yes you don't stop it don't stop stop but you can stop the flow and it still works okay no hence the awkward pause the awkward pause which is the deconstruction of the lame idea that improv can only be done with yes hand which it can't always be done with yes it can some times be done with just a look or a gesture or a smell my finger should we prove it right I will yes and no we're not doing this do you want to do the awward PA I mean it is about time let's not do the awkward you don't want to do the awkward Parts it's so awkward what do you want to do then I want to feel comfortable yeah come over here then hey hey my arms don't work but I got a lot of spirit d man I don't know I don't think that's appropriate Jeff I know this young lady's parents yeah I'm terribly sorry yeah me too actually um the way you talk girl yeah yeah like that dress it's got like lattice work on it I knew this dress would take some work that lattice Alice feeling a bit left out sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry about that have you ever rude have you ever rude a day in particular any day in particular not a day that has been something as you say part of my free will or or something that I've had a part in deciding the days that I Ru are the days that you know bad things happen that were out of my control right but that's not a that's not a a factor in whether there's free will or not that's the universe and the chance and the chance that you're outside of it's outside of you so no you're right Free Will does exist because otherwise yes you're so we agree then no I think I think you're right I think we agree that Free Will exists I think we agree that Free Will exists well enjoy the product advertise me for it I like your necklace thing are you looking at my necklace or yeah okay wow sorry I couldn't tell I was looking at your necklace okay well it's right there I mean what you know it's you know you can't not see the it it they them no I didn't say them I said it I thought them but I said it okay okay what's that uh it's a Scarab a Scarab it's an actual Egyptian Scarab look there's hieroglyphics on the back right on a second to try to concentrate I can read hieroglyphics you know you can I can what does that say boobies well done do you know what it says I have no idea you should get it translated may be something evil I need to find awesome I'm now wearing a curse no I'm not saying you're wearing a curse I'm just saying you might be you know you don't go want to get involved in things you don't understand baby Superstition yes well that Stevie Wonder said [Laughter] that thank you anyway we're about done here yeah are you booting me off I'm not booting you off we just you know we have to show commercials that I get fired okay I talk to you all night these bastards want me to sell crap that's I don't think you want me off your show I don't want you off the show you can come here and do the show every night if you want all right I'll take you up on that yeah okay you you say that and then you'll get a movie and then it'll be oh so long I just kind of I did a movie just now it's called Legion yeah but that that movie's done you can't live on that movie forever you got to do another movie I just did another movie what's the other movie Red Dawn the Remake Red Dawn the remake of what the first Red Dawn how'd you know it's a again he's pretty it's okay I do we uh we we really we really have to go okay all right all right but I wouldn't mind seeing your uh Scarab back here at some point all right all right thank you all right we'll be right [Music] back I've kissed a lot of women on screen God that's great really yeah well and W re Hill no cuz I'm like really not there I should watch that more no not there but and it's weird cuz when we're out together a lot of people are like we you just kiss each other again and I'm like really are we still like what's going on here like I don't think men grow out of that no we don't no well you see what it is is the the Allure and the the mystery of you know lesbian sex for men is this it's like girls who are sexually aroused without another dude in there wasting it for you that's what heterosexual men think so when you see two women like you know making out it's like look they're kissing and there's no guy involved that I could be the one to help them out yeah right yeah so I could get in there and you know man it up for everybody

Channel: Bite-Sized Betterment

Views: 51,765

Keywords:

Id: qo4cUucpmYk

Length: 22min 14sec (1334 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 31 2024