13 Hours A Slave

hey guys I haven't streamed since Sakura was released right you know I thought it was gonna be like the next Dark Souls Jesus Christ was I wrong holy crap a pile of dog [ __ ] that turned out to be [Music] it won Game of the Year to us the worst part just because it's voted as really good doesn't mean it is you know you know who else won popular vote Hitler so since that stream it's been radio silence haven't streamed in over a year I decided it was better to do podcasts than crawl around on my hands and knees begging for bits on Twitch until the tarkov devs announced that they were doing twitch drops and they told me I was doing them yeah you heard right they didn't ask me they told me and like a good dog I obeyed because I may have the rugged posterior of a power top but baby on the inside I have the submissive attitude of a power bottom so first stream in a year I ended up being 13 hours long but most of it was spent in bullying aqua the other half probably organizing my stash two or three minutes a game play it's a blast and since you probably missed it here's the condensed highlight version that's still overly long but finest 9:20 a.m. we have to drop things enabled what is that it's so loud is there a way to make it shut up god I don't even see the audio source it's coming from it may seem like this is real shoot-from-the-hip but don't worry I have some stuff planned out look I got multiple camera angles and everything hi mom I got the kid I got the the game [ __ ] stop sobbing please that is really loud is there a way to just kill it to stab that little baby as soon as it pops up and makes a noise shrouds on the server shrouds on in this [ __ ] server bro we don't have to worry about him here this is this is twitch she's a mixer guy now he's in a totally different Island [ __ ] okay you know it's the first one of the day we all had to get a warm-up don't even worry about it I got the second half of my fortune cookie Dee it's a warm-up round what's my fortune sir your secret admirer is planning a surprise for you I hope it's like an alleyway stabbing or something to get me out of doing this [ __ ] stream don't pay attention to me loading in because I actually paid someone at twitch to track down every stream sniper and strangle them people thought pokey Maine had ties with twitch not nothing like me you actually pay extra for that look I I started this run I have a very specific way of doing each run right now each run but each wipe when it wipes I there and save up talking at the flea market then I buy keys right I sell everything I've collected until I get the flea market and then I buy keys and then I use those keys to earn my money back tenfold right so but I want to play with friends cuz you know I'm not an Aspie or some [ __ ] I'm not like a hermit right and I go out there to reserve and I I spent a million dollars on this key and and I turn it in the lock and the second I opened the door [ __ ] Brian buzzes past me and search snatch his [ __ ] off the shelves eat you're not you didn't pay for it [ __ ] guard the door or something dude I'll give you the scraps but like I paid for the [ __ ] key what's my key use my money and he [ __ ] steals everything everything I've seen him walk up to satellite arrays and just like fit it in his Jing co-brand jean pocket this is the biggest [ __ ] pocket I've ever seen puts an entire satellite array in it and walks out I gotta kill twelve scabs at Shoreline using the suppressed weapon I've already killed 7 wait this isn't suppressed it'll be early for these pills but it's time to take the edge off dude I don't know the stash is on this map look at these [ __ ] guys these guys are animals 2,400 viewers right I never had this many when I used to stream back in the day [ __ ] the gameplay for a second you're sitting here backseat gaming out the ass about me walking by stashes do I look like the kind of [ __ ] guy that plays shoreline this map is dog [ __ ] god I wish you were in this room do dog puppy right in the lip I'd give you a firm Italian slap Jesus where's that stash by the way I'm gonna [ __ ] find that thing what is it it so don't even think for a second I'm enjoying the fact that you guys are backseat gaming like a mother for oh I found the stash ok I'm pretty happy with you guys backseat gaming now depends how this loot turns out ok I'm pissed at you guys backseat gaming that's [ __ ] loot I kind of just want to get out slap a silencer on it and get back in here and I forgot this game's also populated with like milsim people you know and they're gonna be I exam it's not a silencer it's a suppressor that's a very important distinction to be made because it doesn't silence the bullet it suppresses the bullet like [ __ ] off for one second you ever [ __ ] meet those people that are doing like hey it's a magazine not a not a clip we get it Captain America you're in the [ __ ] Armed Forces uh-oh oh yeah yeah we got them on you guys wanna do you guys have any interest in seeing a PSA while we load in I look in the middle all this there's all these people going like yes yes no yes no there's just one guy that's like [ __ ] it why not huh [ __ ] it you know I'm just I'm here for the jobs I don't give a [ __ ] if I can spread your ass on stream I'm [ __ ] care public service announcement this one's a doozy all right I got two heard this one up I got my daughter soon okay in this hot political climate right social tensions are high every content creator out there is telling you donated this charity donate to that charity you know propaganda is everywhere you don't know what to believe do you believe that the right side where they are telling you to kill people and then the left side they're telling you to not kill people you know who knows what to think you know nobody knows what side to be on but let me tell you something instead of taking your hard-earned money and giving it to some charitable organization here at General Sam we're gonna tell you to take that money and put it in your pocket because I'm not sure if you guys noticed but there's this thing called a pandemic happening in the S&P 500 maybe soaring to new heights out of for [ __ ] no reason at all who knows Warren Buffett's giant clinched abs are holding it above everybody who knows but there's 40 million Americans without jobs right there's a recession coming I didn't have to get insider trading tips from [ __ ] goldman sachs to figure that one out there's a recession around the corner okay so so take that money right put in your pocket cuz let me make a wild guess you're around 20 years old you don't have a Roth IRA you don't have a 401k you don't have a stock portfolio you don't need to take your [ __ ] five dollars and give it to mr. beast so he can plan a [ __ ] poplar tree in his front yard alright you need to take that money and invest in yourself because let me tell you something would you rather have some money in the future or would you rather give to a charitable organization that you're probably going to be the beneficiary in a year whenever the [ __ ] hits the fan but right now you're flipping burgers bro you're the person that's supposed to be getting the charity you're not supposed to be giving the charity wow that one got a little bit serious yeah that was my that was my PSA okay so here's the thing right so I was like hey I got this stream thing coming up I'm gonna surprise everybody with a stream and so I go to do it right and I'm prepping for and I'm making all this [ __ ] and I'm getting so excited for it making all these like weird segments and and then I the day before I had a podcast with Welland you know well and I didn't prepare for that at all like the worst podcast known to man with him yesterday not only that but he kept clamming up because I kept asking him whether or not he thought the the Nazis uniforms were slick like Hugo Boss made those you know the designer and like everything else aside they'd a horrible [ __ ] they did a horrible [ __ ] across the board the [ __ ] disgusting humans but outfits were pretty slick let's be honest all right Jesus Christ what you can't say they had cool outfits okay is that so bad like people all the time no way you're [ __ ] though we're like che guevara t-shirts and [ __ ] that guy was executing people in Cuba left right front and center but they don't have problem with that you know but Che Guevara that was a handsome guy you know yeah you ever seen Stalin when he was young yeah I'd let him take over my country yeah I would let him annex me and then create a false famine you know for a chance a chance dinner with him okay so you guys are gonna see how not a man plays Tarka you're gonna see how someone less than a man plays target of a man willing to keep his chin down his shoulders slumped crawl through the muck in order to secure that bag you know no brave plays today let's be honest there's not gonna be any extravagant ass-kicking there's not gonna be any labs runs where I get a 360 no-scope you might see a swindle or two on the flea market that's gonna that's gonna be the high point I tried to keep my guy I consider my operator along the same physical level as me I try not to get his heart rate above 85 which is hard because his resting heart rate is about 83 you gotta keep your head on a swivel left right at all times does anybody actually if you could crank this like look at this [ __ ] thing look does your guy have like early onset like rheumatoid arthritis why can he only turn his head like [ __ ] 10 degrees in either direction crank that I want to be able to look like over my shoulder like peripheral like right here at least I should be able to look a little bit behind me there's apparently been this big hoopla with copyrighted music on twitch you know and I totally understand the plight of twitch streamers because they're like hey what the hell I can't use copyrighted music for commercial purposes like what gives this is a [ __ ] this is a scam I thought I could make [ __ ] loads of money off of Beyonce are you telling me that's illegal and you know so it's I really understand the plight of the streamers to be honest dude I'm sorry but our veterans out there I know you got like this chip on your shoulder you know like oh I sacrificed so much for this country and everything and I get that I do but you can't take the crown dude nobody gets PTSD more than people that play this game I swear to god I hear footsteps in my sleep have you guys ever sat in an apartment building in this game and just listened because you could have you could have swore you were like I heard something it wasn't the wind I'm just gonna sit in this room for 28 minutes to try to figure out if it happens again it turns out it was like your dog in the other room just shaking his collar for a second you know what aqua brought up I quit you know what he's good at though besides getting rid of the bodies of his victims but he's really good at his second biggest talent is observational comedy right his observational comedy is on point he pointed out to me he's like dude look at Jaeger this [ __ ] guy is so fat he's as giant dude all he wants is you to just shovel food into his mouth he just sits back in the woods and goes oh yeah yeah yeah yeah you bring me some tachanka look broomies lunch boxes like you always want some [ __ ] right and go look at that guy's tree stand go look at that thing it is this ramshackle piece of [ __ ] made out of four by fours that was built twenty-eight years ago it is on the Virgin that thing cannot hold his fat ass there is no way in a million years it can hold him up but that's his [ __ ] hunting Shack you can't lie to me you can't [ __ ] lie to me to tell me who lives in that [ __ ] the only thing that will support Jaeger is a concrete slab home man listen to this a harrowing story from Aqua FPS this guy damn fussen he said I saw equity s at Gregg's yesterday I told him how cool it was to meet him in person but he didn't want to but I didn't want to be a douche and bother him effort to ask for photos or anything he said oh like you're doing now I was taken aback and all I could say was huh but he kept cutting me off and going huh-huh-huh and closing his hand shut in front of my face I walked away and continued with my shopping I heard him chuckle as I walked off man I can't believe that that's a honestly that's part of the course for aqua I it's it's situations like that that eventually this this veil that he has this facade of being a nice affable young man is going to be lifted and you guys are going to see him for the monster he is please tell me you guys are good friends you know friends is a strong word you know I've hung out with aqua in person several times we've shared dinner before we're in each other's videos a lot but really I would consider him a friend the same way an alcoholic would consider their sponsor at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting their friend I'm there to help him and reform him but and I I really this falls on me it's not working Oh like I said there every second I think we're turning a corner in acqua you know making him into a better person he comes into the house with blood all over his hands and he got and he hands me a knife and he says hide this don't say that this [ __ ] guy uncle butters he says Sam I was exposed to a while back and and don't prefer to you be don't refer to you finding out I make videos and [ __ ] to being exposed to me it makes it sound like I'm a [ __ ] [Music] makes it sound like I'm a [ __ ] stick of uranium or something like I'm gonna give you a melanoma oh yeah if you guys get drops I want to know right here in the in the fight in the chat you tell me what you got because uh at this stream we tax it so if you get like two graphics cards I think a 50/50 split is an order you know [ __ ] come here [ __ ] now we're talking you ditched a mag yeah I know I ditched a mag bro did you not see the guy standing at the corner like that [ __ ] Michael Jackson image sorry I didn't go click but this is my rig pull out the other mag click no I was panicking I [ __ ] throw that [ __ ] on the ground there's a [ __ ] guy right there hiding behind the wall Jesus this guy's asking are you gonna stream or no this is a one-time thing you guys are driving me up the [ __ ] wall backseat gaming is why I don't drive because my wife is like in the passenger seat she's like um you know you have to take a right turn up here right yes [ __ ] I know I've lived in the city my whole [ __ ] life there's like 5,000 people that live here - wow that butt crack the craft of life is in the Edit not in the live entertainment because when you're streaming dude you're basically the equivalent of uh where those [ __ ] guys that you see in front of on the sidewalk in New York and they're they have the cup in their hand and they go so change so I need to eat and that there's two types two types of sugars there's those people and then there's the excuse me rent is coming up and you know what I'm gonna just turn off the webcam until I get enough donations because this is [ __ ] okay I didn't get this titty job just so you could throw me four dollars nine dollars and up for these donations will be realistic fellas be realistic okay there we go you've earned it I will I will undo one button now because we have paid my utility bill baboom baboom as much as like as entertaining as this is you know making 4,600 people may be mildly smile maybe smirk it weighs heavy on the soul knowing that you're like a beggar basically you know it is pornhub premium free whoa bonkers it's a dead guy quick take a [ __ ] oh [ __ ] Diet Coke what a puss all right everybody yo Parker's 30 it's this kind of [ __ ] mentality that makes people hate young people how about that this [ __ ] is black gold this is about as good as it gets man I used to drink that syrupy [ __ ] and then and then I realized the beauty of aspartame preserves the body like formaldehyde does to a mummy like it's weird it's one of those things like you know let's say like a black tar heroin you know you feel sickly and disgusting using it the first time but eventually you warm up to it it's great dude there's nothing better than a [ __ ] a nice brisk one right out of the mini-fridge yeah old old dude I picked up a generator because it's like hurricane season right so I bought like this little generator to run my refrigerator and yes lift with your legs now see I was trying to do it like this new way I heard about well you lift with like a twisting jerking motion with your back and that I wouldn't recommend it it's not a good way to do it and the old way is the best way see I told you this is why I brought the backpack tank battery and now I'm so heavy my guy is like the heaviest guy in town I left the OFC on the pallet dude if I go back there with this heavy backpack listen to me harm what's that guy's name mac and neck if I go back to that [ __ ] pallet with this heavy backpack and there ain't an ofc on it I am gonna flip so you know I'm gonna drop the backpack right here going back there you are in trouble mechanic it's not an ofc that's weapon parts not even close dumbass I gotta I'm just gonna give this guy the benefit of the doubt maybe he's got rat eyes that I don't have maybe he possesses some sort of unknown rat knowledge that I don't possess because that's not looking like a [ __ ] OFC mechanic that I didn't see one did you back a neck you [ __ ] up he said no my mistake that's right it takes it takes a real mess no it doesn't take a man it takes a rat to acknowledge that they've made a mistake at first I was upset but I forgive you my thought whoa methodical shooter that was a man did you see that guy oh you will not get my stuff [ __ ] he did not see my backpack dude that's called spite all right real men have spite running through their veins oh come on he got me from the suicide alley hey but you know what he's gonna find the body and he's gonna be oh you know I know tank battery here I could've swore he had a backpack at some point but let's not worry about that I got the loot I gotta loot it quick and get going yeah I was upset but then I got killed by this guy named caress my hips which is kind of a sensual sexy name stop exclamation points star lighting I don't I got no kids charity in here [ __ ] the kids this is the wrong stream for that buddy we here for drops the kids and every other day in the world but this week is ours they've been running [ __ ] kids charity since UNICEF 1978 you would think the kids would have enough I'm not one of those [ __ ] people that thinks like I'm gonna lose weight drinking diet coke I'm just saying if I drink regular coke I feel sick hey I don't want to it's just too much you know like when you're eating a chocolate chip cookie you drink milk right you're not gonna like eat a chocolate chip cookie and then wash it down with [ __ ] maple syrup yeah 6k people in here almost when it hits 6k we're gonna start holding public executions check this out check this out hey Linus tech tip watch this guy's on you preemptively bust out the light so that in the event that you come down this hallway here you guys pay attention hey pay attention in the event you come down this hallway and you see someone and you get into a scuffle a kerfuffle you can come down here to the end and not have your entire body lit up and silhouetted by light and you can get them jumping Ghats and then you do the alt in the E and then the lean weight where's the get and then you do the [ __ ] the lay down all e write these down are you guys writing these down I am not streaming 260 100 people for unite you guys not to have a composition pad filled by the end of this I'm gonna leave it up to you guys cuz I don't know what makes a popular nice entertaining stream should I stay and potentially lose it all or should I screw on out of here because if it was just me here I would be dumping [ __ ] into my rig hide the backpack in a small dark corner somewhere and make my way to the exit but I'll leave it up to you guys scurry scurry scurry okay I'm gonna scurry wait demand profits career at Lord I thought he was above me what the [ __ ] was that holy [ __ ] that wasn't that was up up to my left and then I heard the door and I was like ain't no [ __ ] doors up there what the H e double hockey sticks you doing bro things aren't looking good dead bodies everywhere crawl under the I got this one from pestle e you know he likes to act like he isn't a rap but this is the most rat [ __ ] I've ever seen you crawl under a truck to hide your [ __ ] your vital organs from getting shot from the mountain or from the other side that's rat [ __ ] don't even act like you are above us dude that is the radiused thing i've ever seen in my life he says there are talks down to me like you didn't make that [ __ ] up oh yeah I see a pistol hey Dad what the [ __ ] are you doing awake did you just have like a eighty-five hour stream or something go take a nap you psycho what's wrong with you your stream ended five hours ago didn't it get the [ __ ] out of here go take a [ __ ] nap at least occult you're gonna die like one of those [ __ ] Korean kids it gets a leg clot from sitting too long this is like let's say times are tough right things aren't going well I've been shot at I'm at a [ __ ] medication or whatever my Salette is empty I got bullet holes in both my thighs and no painkillers and I have to hobble with the tank battery on my back all the way to the [ __ ] extract and times are looking tough for I only got ten minutes left in the raid and I don't think I can do it daddy pestle he's here to help me check out what I made ready damn I believe in you you can do it that's that soothes the soul no in that bug and pestle e is here watching my back he believes in me you know hook line and stinker oops I hit the wrong button pestle II I don't need you now get out of here best elite Lord it's the UPS man I'll be right back I'm gonna leave you guys with a PSA if that's okay what do you guys want to learn about carpal tunnel let's do it okay guys gamers it's imperative that in order to maintain your supremacy on the piece people always talk about racial supremacy - I'm not about that year I'm not a gamer supremacy I honestly if I was to rank supremacy I would put racial they're here right but gamers some supremacy we're up here we're way better than those guys then those racists what was I talking about oh yeah so uh when you're gaming right in order to maintain your game or superiority you gotta make sure not to get carpal tunnel right dangerous stuff carpal tunnel and so you got to make sure to flex and move let's their little tendons in your wrist and I figured the best way of doing that is a mixture between grip strength and a twisting of the wrist in various ways and if you can combine the two into like this function if you can figure out one way of doing this for 30 to 180 seconds a day maybe five times a day you'll really prevent any sort of carpal tunnel for being an issue this joke was dead about ten seconds ago wasn't it hope you guys liked that PSA Oh dirty dog dicks we're here ah [ __ ] my palms are sweaty dude these weak arms are heavy did you see the [ __ ] guy the guy just jumped down into the tech room I don't think I've ever seen that from the outside he just looked like it looked like the building took a dump and he fell slowly out of the window but they already bullets get a take but I shot you in the face twice that's why I stopped shooting you see that if I didn't like shot him in the [ __ ] like cheeks both cheeks I gave him like a Italian Mother's greeting I went either side guy kept shooting that's unsettling anybody see that toolbox perched up there like a gargoyle pre-open that's got me a case of the Jimmy's just looking at it ah I [ __ ] like three times I got like a thread ripper right that's not unlucky that was me sucking farts straight out of that guy's [ __ ] that's what that was no luck had nothing to do with that but it's fine because Clark 99 killed me that man he's 21 years old he's got the world ahead of him he's a good guy he's got the name Clark that sounds like a man that's gotta be middle management at an investment firm I hope he does well for himself as a kid has a house with a white picket fence but then again Clark also sounds like the guy that would do all those things and then halfway through his life he would try to hold public office and they would find out that maybe at his sophomore party he had maybe done blackface and they would use that picture of him in blackface to smear his campaign and bring his entire house down with him his daughter ends up suicidal his wife leaves him for a better man and there goes the story of Clark 99 and none of that would have happened if he didn't [ __ ] shoot me in that goddamn server room that's all I'm saying he's in my stream Clark 99 you double [ __ ] to be honest with you guys I go out with nothing half the time I'm talking like I bring a gun some headphones a bad attitude that's what I leave the stash with you and hey this guy says his wife loves my vids do ya hey thumbs up for being a telethon ZUP for being part of the 0.01% of my audience that's female now that my gamers is a pause moment my female audience are people that are born male and then I get tit implants and start wearing dresses that's my female audience so tell your wife give her give your wife a nice and grab on the ass and say that this one's from Sam God are you drinking Samuel no muscle you know the alcoholism runs through my family and you know I cannot with good conscience drink I have a daughter now drinking is beneath me unless it's the weekends or maybe Friday or maybe Friday at 12:03 p.m. dude if if I've learned anything from from 20 20 men or from 2016 it's that it doesn't matter what I've said in the past I'm still technically electable keep in mind you might be looking at your next president you don't know I want to see the day where there's like some convicted rapists like actually like gone through trial and everything like he is a legit rapist in the Oval Office not even like repentant I'm talking like just a straight-up scumbag in the office the guys the guys like you know the secret I've learned the secret the secret is don't get caught like that's what he says at a press conference haha you dumbass Phil for the old sitting in the back of the truck hook line and stinker my guy AS VAL escape and scurry away not when there's a key to be opened you [ __ ] [ __ ] what's wrong with you there's potential Intel in here there's no Intel anair okay you're probably right we should get out of here oh yeah but never do what the [ __ ] was that oh [ __ ] I see him we run it now yabba-dabba [ __ ] your mom bro I'm getting Audi dude that guy came out there running up here like I [ __ ] his daughter man what the hell is that damn I knew I was out done the second I heard that [ __ ] shot hit the wall behind me all right I'm going down to the basement I got a key for here that's right daddy Sam say it doesn't matter what situation he's pushed into daddy Sam's always got a key baby where you need to go baby Oh what this little office don't worry I can get you in there now the real question is did he follow me because that would be [ __ ] terrifying did you hear the push while we're loading in do you guys want to listen to another PSA Hey public service announcement yeah there's an app on your phone that has like five downloads and it's called Odin I'll find it for you it's called tarkov map not tarkov maps just tarkov map just singular and when you click this bad boy it has all the quest item locations and stuff for all the locations all the maps except for reserve they're working on that one once again I'm not paid for that I didn't help develop this or anything I'm not some enough for that I don't have to [ __ ] tell you guys that no one was sitting at their computer going wow I bet you Sam developments do because just last week I [ __ ] forgot how to tie my shoes I just sit there and think about it you guys know I'm not smart enough for this [ __ ] oh yes you got the you got the map right all the quests locations and [ __ ] it completely interactive because let's say you're an interchange right we've all been there where you're going around the perimeter the outside of the mall too scared to go in because people know that mall and you haven't figured it out yet and and so you're just hovering around the outside and you hear just hell breaking loose in there gunfire left and right terrifying and and you're like man I wish I could get some loot well this this here app it'll show you where those hidden loot stashes are very handy information check it out Wow leave that that was an incredible PSA [Music] okay don't even you guys didn't see that don't worry about that the Boomer hands dude I got [ __ ] buck fever on that one my hands are shakin and quakin there's someone in the gymnasium I couldn't I can smell you around there I know it I knew I heard you [ __ ] I knew I heard I told you guys what I say you see that guy up in the window it's not salt it's saline in it yeah it's saline solution you know van if you're laying up in a hospital bed you don't go doc I'm dehydrated give me the salt it's fine it's saline solution bro it's like salty water yeah it's like tears I know it's salt water but it is not it is not the same thing if you go hey yo ma this Salsbury steak is a little bit bland needs some salt and she takes your Salisbury steak and dunks it into the [ __ ] into the ocean and puts it back on your plate don't you be like hey that kind of sucks I would prefer if you would just use salt instead of [ __ ] salt water the difference this guy's saying that drops are random battles they actually wanted me to stress to you guys that there is a man in a closet that is slowly hand picking items for you guys to have so if you have bad drops it's actually all one person's fault so they're not randomized at all this is a not and algorithmic process this is something that a guy is physically doing to you so if you get bad stuff it's because he hates you there is a man at battle state games that hates your guts your dude this guy who Lucky underscore omen he just said it dude right there I was sitting there ninety two hundred people watching and I said hey let's provide some content let's go for the fight and then he came in here and drop some knowledge dude he is like like a moment of clarity you know like the second cocaine enters your nostrils you get that snap out of it he just said he said dude you're full you got hit tab man look at this [ __ ] why fight that's what he said that guy he just I'm turning around I'm going to the [ __ ] exit oh man I almost let you down I'm out of here whoever sniping on top of this roof suck a fart [ __ ] I'm out of here bye bye Felicia check to the right check to the right nothing do the pastila special hide under the truck thank you omen round of applause for him thank you before we even do this I do want to go ahead and play that PSA I have for aqua before we play with them it's very important that you guys see this thing for any parents out there see a public service announcement the tarkoff streamer commonly known as aqua FPS this man is a menace did you know what the FPS and aqua FPS stands for I bet you didn't you see he's been trying to play it off as if it stands for first-person shooter the genre of games that he most commonly covers boy I'm not sure I even have the heart to tell you guys parents if you're out there and your child is watching this stream the FPS actually stands for he confessed this to me and he was ashamed it stands for fart pee [ __ ] not a very good role model for you kids out there so parents if your child is watching aqua fart pee [ __ ] do you really want them to watch him think about it that's power powerful stuff hey that was some really as a quality joke yeah yeah I enjoyed that [ __ ] you called it a joke oh yeah it was more of like a public service announcement I keep having the same cuz I'm like streaming right I don't have like the two rig setup I'm not uh you know I'm [ __ ] Thomas Edison I don't know how to fire up to streaming pcs or whatever yeah I don't want to climb either he's walking to mice and everything yeah that guy should be wearing a [ __ ] lab coat he's like it's like some kind of scientist in there dude when he's free it's like it's like when Jimmy Page comes out with the two necked guitar you know yeah I'm running one Mouse [ __ ] - was the whole thing I can't even wrap my head around these guys lied to me they said it was a hundred K and then now it's up for 89 K she's a massive difference what are you gonna do yeah I've decided to every time you guys give me false information me and aqua are gonna abduct one of you and beat you up in front of the rest that way we'll start getting some correct information hoggers that is a factual statement this guy Swami he says aqua does not tip the pizza guy that's not true at all I was a very generous tipper actually that's what he says in front of you guys I've actually seen it before he will actually order a pizza and then when the guy dinner together I'm telling story I'm telling a story here please the guy the beauty guy will be like hey this is your pizza like show you that it's there and then aqua will [ __ ] slap the bottom of the box so the pizza goes in the guy's face and then you'll just laugh and close the door yeah I've seen him doing multiple my building pick up the pizza sauce off the carpet and go hey none yeah I'm done I my drops are on the 17th the last day when people won't care [ __ ] advertise dude oh sorry working the 17th pencil that into your schedule [Laughter] Edward oh isn't this the thing isn't there a little hidey-hole stand there is this is the hard one to grab - not my little rat hands and he rounds oh my God look at a [ __ ] sick case you can have the weapons case okay I was aiming at your head I swear I've never I didn't even know you could find a sick case I'll give you the I'll give you my backpack on the way out do you have a grenade I'm watching the front door I have no grenade Sam come with me up the stairs we're going out the side let's do it baby okay slow this down dude slow this down yeah we're gonna bring it back like a jazz breakdown slow that bring in the alto sax we need to get a smooth baseline to recalibrate our heart rhythm doctor says my BPM isn't supposed to get above 98 or else I could suffer a stroke Wow yeah that was uh that's pretty good okay now you can release the Pawar's yeah dude it's time to celebrate yeah like uncork and a bottle of champagne let me get a zoom in on this one my camcorder zoom this [ __ ] in [Music] oh that's nice all right aqua sometimes I get asked to insult people's friends that you've never met or don't know oh yeah hey can you call my friend Joel a [ __ ] idiot you just go hey Joel maybe you should get some better friends so your friends suck oh [ __ ] staff is in here hey what's up staff I don't know if that's twitch staff or if that's a battle State game staff which one is it oh and twitch staff [ __ ] all right everybody be on their best behavior you get a twitch you can tell I'm a good guy cuz look my money case is named Obama because I Bhama was a good president right and then I have this case named black lives matter Oh clip me in the head sometimes you eat the bar sometimes the bar eats you you know I don't know what the [ __ ] you're talking about that's yeah I'm waiting 6:54 he's talking about buying hats and then all of a sudden I'm waiting I'm waiting so you're gonna keep streaming after this Shh we're in a gunfight bro can you zip your lip this [ __ ] enterprise zip I think he like laid down in the bush there is okay I'm getting a call from my dad [ __ ] off dad you look like [ __ ] Jon Lovitz get out here good talking to you right now I love you sighs [ __ ] this guy receives soap I'm here why is everybody receiving so hey battle State can I offer another fix to make this game kind of gooders don't if people are if you're advertising twitch drops don't make it soap that's the equivalent of your man giving you [ __ ] socks for Christmas and then we both died everywhere I [ __ ] look you shove your big fat head and fry em hey and lean great minds think alike you know dude look at this pimp down in floor she's making me wet I always lose money when I scream yeah it's not I try and like go bird plays and stuff and just die a lot more than normal I always assume when I'm when I'm streaming right that there's like one lady out there and I'm like wow you know what impresses ladies is doing an epic play on Tarka maybe I can reduce her if she sees me kill this scab with a 360 no-scope so I usually go for that kind of stuff by the way what should I have for lunch tits 223 I'm kind of hungry have you ever tried that intermittent fasting it's it's really like it's just skipping breakfast isn't it kind of depends on like house yeah you don't like eat after 7:00 and then you just don't eat breakfast and then you eat it like 12 yeah I do that a lot yeah well what I found out is it's like why do one big fast when you can do several small ones so like what I try to do is I eat three meals a day and then fast for like two or three hours in between Chubby's Chubby's chicken fingers Chubby's chicken okay let me tell you guys a story about Chubby's bro I went to chubbies right which is like a local chicken place and I was like hey I'm on my I might work I'm it's a lunch break I'll just pull in to chubbies really quick get some chicken so I ordered it and I had never been there before I heard it was great though Chubby's is like this tiny little like phone booth with a bunch of deep fryers in it and then one sweaty college kid I don't think it has AC like it has like a window unit AC unit that is just like on its last leg and so you pull up there and look at the college kids wearing like a wife beater that is just saturated with sweat and he's so greasy cuz he's standing around fryers it's like what what's that uh that shows Space Ghost Coast to Coast you know that show yeah remember the guy that has the 360 keyboard of like piano keys it's like that but just fryers like they are all around him every direction and like he just he stands there at the window and he goes yeah what do you want I'm like yeah I want some wings and he does this he legit just goes he goes uh he's at the window it slid open and he's like looking down at me just sweating and he goes okay and he just turns and I hear the fryer things lower and then he just turns back to me and he stands in the window goes there'll be about seven minutes he just stands there doesn't close the window get hot in there and so then I'm just sitting there like in my car I'm just sit there in my car like with this sweating guy just like there for seven minutes he's just standing there like looking down at me with the window open and I like tried to talk to him and he was like we're not talking I'm just here to fry up these wings and it was the most uncomfortable thing just standing there like an idiot or sitting there in my car I felt like just rolling up the window on them what about fort defender that's what people were telling me to get that's oh my god that's expensive what are you guys on it looks like what they used to train German shepherds so they don't bite your [ __ ] when you're like a police officer like a police dog outfit they do bite your [ __ ] yeah the only time I would do a u2's is they put a spring in the [ __ ] head so it's a bobble head because that's obviously what's trying to be but they're too cheap to put one in there and then if they made it like my body like an inch tall and then the rest would just be forehead forever and hole in the forehead is your forehead fables thing the head is so heavy and tall that the spring it doesn't even bobble like the springs just maxed out it's always just like hanging over like I made my next not strong enough what do you want to go awesome let's go to night building okay more great decision making from aqua you give me like half a second to answer your questions you like I swear like you're like a everybody looks like I'm [ __ ] old I swear to God you I ask you something and I can hear the square peg trying to go through the round hole in your mind for like an hour before you answer I I remember like I thought it was a latency thing with discord when we had dinner in Seattle I'm sitting there talking to you and I swear to god your mind just shut off behind your eyes you didn't say anything for like 20 seconds and bizzle looks at me and then we're like you're right and yours like huh yeah I'm fine like you're like early onset dementia like if people say I'm bad I'm telling it dude my hands are get so [ __ ] sweaty we got this we got that I need some of that gamer [ __ ] that makes your hands dry Chuck like you're gonna climb a rock wall yeah have like the widest dustiest gaming everything everything's guarded dust so dry what someone's been here though keep that in mind oh my god the doors the doors that are open should be closed and the doors that should be closed or open it's like a sick practical joke this is a poltergeist has been here right your video grain looks horrible yeah I just I just rub some golden star balm on me which by the way this is gonna be a complete disclaimer I have some golden IRL see this and I can assure you that it when you rub it on you it does not make everything grainy so I don't know this game supposed to be like a bastion of realism in today's crazy arcade life of gaming and I don't know where they got the idea that everything gets super grainy when you put this on but it doesn't I'm just gonna say it full review if you get shot in the gut with a 12-gauge shotgun this is not a good treatment for that where'd you get that it's called the internet dork learn about it I guess you never miss him you've got a boyfriend I bet he doesn't kiss y'all you know what that whole hit or miss girl I never understood the attraction to her now if we're gonna be talking about me and babes the the okay boomer girl and she's pretty hot I'll admit but hit-or-miss not doing it for me who was hit or miss that's the same / she's no she's some chick that's like [ __ ] really weirdly broad shoulders she's got like Brian Urlacher 'he's giant football shoulders with the cheerleading outfit on [ __ ] that girl okay boomergirl she's pretty hot Oh some guy says that that was a guy now and that would explain it explain these shoulders and that beard you had to sorry if that's transphobic or whatever I'm sorry just not into the shoulders a public service announcement don't be mad at twitch for titty streamers because I think I might be in the minority here titties are awesome that was short and sweet that one was I need to lose some loot I have insurance just burning a hole in my pocket alright I don't want to go out with you now is what I'm doing out to lose loot I want you to be like wanting to fight I want you to say let's go I want you to say Sam this is my last gear set by god I don't want to lose it we're gonna have to fight tooth and nail I am very attached to this gear well what is it dude what if like what if you were in you know the trenches right right before like World War one right before you run up into no-man's land and you look to your left and the guy to your left goes fine thank God I came to war I was suicidal before this [ __ ] all right let's go you can't count on that guy to get your back hit ready he doesn't [ __ ] care about his life like that's you die I don't [ __ ] give a [ __ ] about this gear set I went to take a piss what do you want from me these are these are long gamer hours I had a full bladder of gamer piss alright I came back incognita stew make sure you were actually entertaining these people were you berating these people take a piss excuse me fine he left he went to urinate when I was leaving no you're supposed to entertain these people what if I was like what you were like hey Sam can you watch my baby well I go first and I go fine I just walk away anything I got up before you I think I'm not gonna get angry because I don't I don't want my dog to see me this way yeah you heard it in the first place yeah I'm sorry if twitch staff is here I'm sorry that I just flashed my dog's [ __ ] right to the camera I didn't think about that it's the dog's fault for not wearing undies by the way my Chinese food is done would you would you have would you order yeah I didn't order [ __ ] it's leftovers bro another day what did you order oh is General Tso's and some progress classic classic pairing oh my god it's like like steak and Merlotte Morphew behind you I knew it okay I'm dead you died I did yeah he killed you with a silenced gun that [ __ ] was evil as hell dawg he got me right in the face if you're killed by a level 14 you noob yo aqua in front of 13,000 people what kind of porn you into talk tell the class although I get to anything that's like a touchy subject aqua just shuts down mentally what's his skill mr. Lutz shut up you can't multitask go get my Chinese I have to say Sam's new video was very funny it made me laugh multiple times throughout the whole thing I think it was his best target video yet si si when he gets up and walks away I say something nice when when I get up and walk away turns everybody against me alright sorry to leave you with that [ __ ] dork for so long 55 oh [ __ ] my guys low energy huh low-energy Biden that's why the aqua calls I love how you just come up with like [ __ ] up things like that and just pass it off I'm sooo every applying with it happens you're the one who thought of that you think of it I getting Trump out of it did he say that yeah it wasn't like he always comes up with stupid nicknames for people yeah like Low Energy Biden which is like the worst but it was sleepy I heard him say that oh yeah he always comes up with like stupid nicknames like he's at that point now he doesn't have to act presidential right you just go ha ha bye and you're [ __ ] old you old [ __ ] man I hate your guts like I just say that I doubt milania's [ __ ] them we have a moment of silence to think about how shitty it must be to be her right now cuz she signed up to just drink mimosas all day she and sign up for this [ __ ] I tried to give you a moment there there to be like compassionate and stuff towards mohani uh Trump and you did not accept the offer you know like she's a human being aqua mm-hmm uh this is factory take one this is my home Sam this is where I spend all my time you alright here let me Tod I'm gonna get him I took way too many bullets not happy with that he's not talking about people like he just came in here and executed this man and his only concern is how many bullets it took to kill him you know like oh that hit the bank account took away to me bullets to kill that man hey what about the man you know you probably had a family come on I walked in the other side oh I think I just shot you I'm sorry you leave 100% shot ah got him I'm fine yeah say you why do you do sub-only okay well it wasn't sub-only and then there was some what they say in the political world as bad actors you know that's when there's like an unruly mob and one guy decides to Molotov the local florists he's burn this local business to the ground yeah the bad actors we're in the [ __ ] chat spit up making a ski giant [ __ ] that were going everywhere apparently that's bad they don't twitch I don't like big [ __ ] they like I'm small and shriveled room sand room 209 excuse me could I get a price check on sand 209 East Wing key please thank you fifty-seven K whatever I also the the rapist oh he's there's two in there in the little shower I ran out of bullets and that sucks I'm also these antique axes so for a lot for some reason he knows that yeah I don't know why but yeah I sold one earlier for like 80k they do the most damage in the game out of any melee weapon Oh even more than the sword thing I don't know about that you know that sword yeah there's actually a W in that word it's called a sward oh that's right excuse me you know Stolte he has such as [ __ ] he has such a great just do that like obviously I know stalled yeah you always do that I do that because it's like it's a third-person technically like $13,000 okay I got ya so you know stop my editor for the people at home my editor that uh he has this great like radio voice and he [ __ ] squanders it because he says sward with the W yeah it's just like the ellipsis thing you find little things that dude that thing well it drives me up the wall cuz he also say ayran he'll say ayran like [ __ ] now MacDonald does alright that's too and so like if you play Minecraft with him he's like do you have an iron sword wait I also got Nikita you know the guy that made the game he said he sent me a word of encouragement to hold on Sam come on good good man I like your little head cover that's nice dude I'm tripping yeah both of us are so do you look a little too trihard you look like you're a ninja or something trying to be all cool and stealth I look like a gym teacher so you got like an Anne Jemima hat on [ __ ] you correct quando I can't tell if it's like a crack in the rock or like someone's gun that I see you can't keep up with talking about crack rocks cracking rocks what are you talking about crack rocks yeah crack rocks it's exactly yeah exactly I think man I love crack oh yeah I had an anecdote about aqua when you started talking about crack rocks it reminded me I was like I was talking to I was like hey really sucks I just burnt my mouth on pizza he's like oh I know the field yeah I just burnt my mouth on my crack pipe holy [ __ ] the same at all that was stupid he got me oh that sucks are you streaming no no okay just felt like doing it sky raid yeah I was wondering cuz uh you're so low energy I was like he surely he can't be streaming it's like I'm [ __ ] streaming on my grandpa you mean yeah you're off your conversation thing bro you're supposed to your mojo now for like the past two hours you talking about drink some coffee bro this is your stream don't rely on me even doing nothing but tear me down to chat stoned you smoked crack for energy row I'll allow it yeah why are your keys upside down [Music] the [ __ ] does that oh yeah yeah yeah I forgot I was like I was trying to you know I've always been a person that likes messing with people and so I was like hey what if I just take all some of my stuff that shouldn't be rotated and rotated slowly yeah slowly drive you guys insane like this my favorite is turns my on is doing cash is good doing this one's great look at that AI - if you rotate it it just barely changes it but it's off you're like something right about the AR - there Coubertin do you have drops enabled on your stream I can I didn't get or is it like ear you are good enough like you know like into anyone have them now not any money I just I knew you didn't have them I just wanted to hear you say I had to call in I had to call you in food because aqua like I'll say something to them and then you'll just sit there and like in silence like an idiot you have a weird you're weird rule you are in a raid and most people want you to be quiet and you didn't say anything you were just yammering about what loot you were cramming in your pockets you want me to be like oh yeah that's a good one that's a good piece of loot you should really like you should gamma that you know just know I'm just asking for some conversation that's it I've been talking you this whole time barely this guy has been harping about no I think the chat will get will agree this [ __ ] been like loti all [ __ ] afternoon I think I was brought in here to be kind of a mediator it sounds like you guys are having some issues we're having some Miriam is very difficult what do you mean oh like you just will say anything and yeah he finds fault in everything you know you can sit there in your stream and be like 4 beats per minute or what like a lizard laying on a rock like some [ __ ] conversation or something mmm apparently Stimpy hosted you before oh he didn't it didn't pop up it probably did pop up he just didn't see it I'm sorry stempel's he knows me my my chat the other day and said happy birthday he's a really nice guy he is yeah you know how nice he is is he he did the whole happy birthday thing and you brought it up you kept bringing it up around me just trying to bait me to say happy birthday to you and I refuse to bow to that level because he got it up he's like a by the way and I know you brought it like a week before you a my birthday Kitty's been doing to me all day poop all day streaming brings out the worst in him or do you want to run down the train and get all the way over to dorms I'm thinking four words since we came in you want to do some weird [ __ ] thing that makes no sense that Sam is saying and you have to take a second to figure out what the [ __ ] he's talking about no I didn't [ __ ] think so Oh early into this run had this kind of tension it's like a cute little old married couple when I was dreaming someone said that you guys are like a married couple and I was like no we're worse oh I say you that better got you okay as I say don't be doing that [ __ ] wiggle thinking I ain't gonna shoot man I think there's a guy at the end of the hallway yeah just drinking coffee oh god I can't see a darn thing ah now you show me Jack house fire that those flashes were intense made my Romans are burned out do you have meds they were telling me I didn't have meds but I forgot about it does anybody have a anything they can bandage me awfully quiet justic oh wait I have a car kit yeah that would be great Oh taking it over to the bathroom it's actually my only car kit this is me simulating a walk on a regular Friday night just sitting on the toilet throwing needles into his arm Sam use that whole car kit it's gone legit like this like on oh oh I [ __ ] up oh no never mind I can't wait if we play reserve I can I can bring you a medical building we get all the all the [ __ ] you want dude hey footsteps behind us yeah here stop moving stop coins door Wow he instantly knew I was there and killed me like as if it were all he knew he knew he [ __ ] yeah I'm gonna get out of here dude scram Thanks kicked you out no I know I was giving you a hard time all day but uh thanks for dropping by thanks for streaming to me you know I do but I was just thrashing into him for like four hours I was watching for a while I lose I felt bad at a couple of points so he I could just hear him sound so defeated he's like okay do you want to play a game play this game you know what or we could open up oh we could yeah wait for it we could open up Microsoft Paint and I could draw a profile shot of me kissing and you could draw a profile shot of you kissing and then we could join them together in Photoshop and it would be us kissing each other like I feel like you're [ __ ] with me but that would be so fun sorry it took awhile I'll subpoena a big one - yeah I'm gonna pee while we're in the loading screen I'll be back hey this is Sam's be right back screen he's gonna I'm sure he told you that he's gonna go do something now I don't know what it was but I can assure you it ain't whatever he said that man's gonna go take a [ __ ] he's been drinking coffee iced coffee and he drinks his coffee with a lot of cream in it and he's lactose intolerant he is blowing his [ __ ] over the toilet right now so whatever he said he was doing it isn't that I I'm telling you now his uh he does this daily he's got a [ __ ] schedule and his wife thinks he has some sort of crohn's disease you know on account of how much diarrhea he has but he said he won't let the doctor anywhere near his [ __ ] unless it's that doctor from the blink-182 album art he'd know which one I'm talking about another reason he's scared to go to the doctors because he's got like this porn addiction right and so he spends all day looking at these beautiful bleached pink buttholes and his looks like a nail it's gnarly it looks like a Peach Pit not good it's not good so anyways when he comes back just act like everything's cool you know but you really know where he was let's be honest you know exactly what he's doing so if he comes back with some beads of sweat on his forehead it disgruntled maeby just be considerate I'm gonna go pee this is show-and-tell part two I went scrounging through my office and I found a picture of my daughter that I think you guys are gonna love I've always wanted to show off my cute daughter but I felt like incorporating her and exposing her to the Internet was a bad thing but I've recently come over then I guess this is a beautiful picture of my daughter as you can tell she's probably gonna be some sort of supermodel eventually I took I took this picture right when I told it really dirty joke she was she was laughing at it the joke was like why do Jewish boys get circumcised well cuz Jewish girls won't touch anything that ain't 10% off and she did that she she thought it was funny I said that's kind of [ __ ] up that's not very funny I don't think my dad told me though I can't get in trouble for that right cuz like my dad told me that and he's like he's Jewish guy right now wait until his next joke I heard it from a black guy has the n-word in it but that's okay because he told me right Sam please keep streaming you're the best personality on Twitch excuse me I think you're you know [ __ ] while you're praising me you're also [ __ ] on the best streamer of all time aqua FPS okay the FOB tech Bob tanks also pretty good what about ninja he's gone is he gone doesn't Prince Harry is in he stream now they get kicked out of the little family he's like grasping for money like you okay screaming for tonight babe that is why I'm leaving the royal family to pursue my dream of being an epic gamer by the way I just want to say I might have been dying a lot but at least I didn't have to wait ten [ __ ] minutes in between raids back when I was playing by myself what is take on well that we have this local place that's like fight squad I told you about them they have like they only have Tallahassee and like like some other place anyways the the fights go at people they have like no corporate structure or anything or like things to do for like the pandemic so I the drivers would just get out and they'll just have your food in their hand here you go just like my box of food they'll have like their thumb under the lid and everything you know [ __ ] gay it's a grocery bag full of spaghetti I forgot the late I'm just gonna use my hands you go there I kept it warm I just hover everybody holding my hand over the top I used my warm breath to keep poop we're in the stinky Tower huh what do you talk are you going insane are you talking about inception I'd be watching movie recently are you in a dream right now I oh god I have to kick-start myself out or whatever whoo you need to wake up oh my god that coma who fall back in their chair fall back in you Tara wake you up [Music] she's like waving and I look over and instantly die he distracted me - you got it Brian we all died their blood is on your hands she doesn't seem too concerned what an [ __ ] yeah she's going out to go get ice cream apparently there's like an ice cream lady riding around the block Hey Yoko Sabrina said s is my mom's single dude is not only single but she's ready to mingle so if you want a woman that has a very stable job and is 60 years old as ran her way through three merit two marriages three May third one's a charm I think she's only been through two marriages her other ex-husbands are alive she didn't kill him or anything she actually her company was bought by a larger multinational company so she got stock options when that happened and since then that company has taken off so yeah she's very well prepared for retirement Brian I was thinking about this like you know you're one of my good friends and you yeah I know you got a girlfriend and everything but let's be honest your girlfriend doesn't have stock options you know yeah she's kind of like a [ __ ] migrant worker or something like that and so if if you wanna you know dumper and start dating my mom I'd love to call you daddy you know only if you stop going after Shiva's mom I don't want I don't wanna I don't want another dad that's [ __ ] sleeping around I want a stable daddy I want stable daddy plan B yeah let's go to the night building babe did you give me a choco taco did you give me anything you know yep yeah when I give you that money I didn't it was another parody I must have went a luchador calm and downloaded one of everything well we know this there's a guy up here to the left do you want to push him or is that too wacky for us do you do you have a magic 8-ball we can consult yeah I got this wait wait magic 8-ball calm someone hit it goal hey Google your [ __ ] [ __ ] back hello Google hey Google are you [ __ ] stupid baseball [ __ ] the 8 ball pool no what are we asking should we stay yeah should we push again yeah hold on I gotta watch his head better not tell you now oh my good god oh my god worthless my sources say no we shouldn't do it okay extract through that elevator ask again later yeah [ __ ] you yeah [ __ ] you sounds better than no eight-ball should I should I go out in the open and check was a Paul say very doubtful Wow wait that thing just wants us to sit here could poo go out there and check you may rely on it yes we may rely on it poop get out there check you know eight Ball says I think it's swimming back from what the room we were just in how do you know I need just got shot at but I could be wrong no that was the [ __ ] name it was a grenade exploding I can't hear them dude you were like you were just you got me cheese in I mean dude poop is just he's chief and all the weed I'm told like five times my entire stash that's that's what Labs is bro it's high-risk high-reward run you're getting your name worth like five times my entire stash a canvas longer that's that's what Labs is roads high-risk high-reward [Music]

Channel: General Sam

Views: 2,687,691

Rating: 4.912025 out of 5

Keywords: tarkov, funny, general sam, eft, escape from tarkov, highlights, memes, satire, aquafps

Id: hxQs9fYVTy8

Length: 81min 58sec (4918 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 30 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/Juicer05]

WHATS THE MINECRAFT REALM SEED SAM

[u/cancerous_potato1974]

The titty streamer PSA was quite informative.

[u/MelonSupreme]

Man I hope he streams again although I think he’s set on it being a one time thing

[u/xlwerner]

I loved watching this vid, the PSA’s were wonderful

[u/thinkB4WeSpeak]

This is a ploy to get more followers on twitch and it's working.

[u/FUNNY2217]

Does anyone know the name of the song he uses at the start of the video is? Or atleast what Jippy album its from? Thanks for your help.