Your Mom's House Podcast - Ep. 451 w/ Chris D'Elia

this episode of your mom's house is brought to you by satva luxury mattress the only online mattress company that provides free delivery setup and mattress removal [Music] [Music] [Music] what the beep so you uh you're done with Vegas but we don't know how you feel about it because it hasn't happened yet we're recording from the past into the future time travel recording time travel sure I was feeling it went great I have a feeling it went superbly well yeah and I'm I'm excited to be chillin now and just hanging out until this baby comes I got a month left and you were able to incorporate those jokes I wrote for you yeah those are a real hit I opened on well let me my second kid is about to wreck this shop my [ __ ] is the Twin Towers and these babies are hijackers number one into al-qaeda you done [ __ ] up downtown again I mean it was winter Netflix is really stoked it must be stoked about that they love al-qaeda jokes this is such such a degenerate joke yeah well that's great very excited obviously for you that's that's that now where are you gonna be coming up gene November 24th House of Blues in man Diego Wow and then I start doing the road in December December 8th at the Gramercy Theater in Jew Dork tittays and that's it for now until we add some more that's great I mentioned this last week brass balls Beach Saturday was close to going I don't know if it's gone yet Brea which is in August has opened up like a hundred tickets each show because they have a new location and a new size new capacity so if you didn't get tickets they are now some tickets available to each of the five shows let's see I think that that one's going oh there's some tickets left for the second show in Boise Bal Sacramento California at the community center theater [ __ ] dough I mean Fresno she's October 26 Bakersfield October 27th Jack me--off Phil Florida in November Orlando the day after that fill her up Delphia oh and Eugene Eugene Oregon was added also in October you can get all those tickets at Tom Segura dot-com click on the tour page tickets all right Jean let's get into our show let's get into our show there's so much to go over we have a great guest on the way it's gonna be a lot of fun today OMG she loves Memorial Day people like her the moon soup lady they live for three-day weekends oh yeah moussah blade is is uh is definitely celebrating she's one of those she's got the picnic she's doing that she's hosting the bar see now it's confusing to people because it's way past Memorial Day oh [ __ ] sorry guys we're recording for the viola state we're recording on Memorial Day I'm aware that yeah she the moon soup lady loves those kind of holidays like oh yeah you know she's hosting all the parties really celebrating the day off you know yeah kind of [ __ ] alright here we go hates her day job a lot I need some dick badly I'm [ __ ] tired of wasting this good ass [ __ ] [ __ ] oh yeah I'm [ __ ] tired of it I'm [ __ ] tired of my [ __ ] just [ __ ] wife Cindy bringing love into this dude I know who you are when you do that do when you play air guitar yeah you're the [ __ ] dude from the Bruce Springsteen band the Easy Street yeah who became an actor oh yeah little Stevie you're that guy yeah little Steven you look just like him when you do it like you got the dad yeah yeah feeling that hush I hate that band yeah I also I think Frank Sinatra yeah we hate Springsteen and Bob Dylan the three people I hate them up I hate those people too and that's why we are married now there are some things we digress on yeah of course as well I think I would rather bring back some dictators if it meant we could get rid of those three so I mean obviously one's dead sorry I think I have a hard time buying that cuz he's a millionaire millionaire three times over yeah yeah yeah that's kind of hard I don't like Bob Dylan either just cuz it doesn't make something good then in the bag and listen I just don't really I just don't understand pretending to think it's good maybe a very first time I heard I was like this is dog [ __ ] who's this Bob doing it this is what people talk about yeah this guy is who celebrated I tell you though there's people listening right now that their heads are exploding because they absolutely they love these people they're in treatment they don't know what the [ __ ] going on Adri yeah we hate I don't hate him as much as I hate the others don't hate him I just don't like to pretend that it's like real singing that's not singing it sing songy yeah that's gonna lucky guy be so lucky it's just shocking it's [ __ ] sing talking yeah yeah gonna did it boo I'm a luckiest guy on the block okay I know we've talked about this there's a lot of stuff that people like that I hate most most current music I don't understand I can get it every time we're in the in the the country club and they're pumping some [ __ ] through that I'm like what is this I will say that I like new discoveries when they're good like anybody would write somebody says try this food you like what the [ __ ] is it like so music wise you know I guy I got into Thundercat over the weekend you played that for me and I was like this feels like Stevie Wonder it feels it feels familiar but to me is a new discovery I was really excited you like Daft Punk lately I'd have I like that new Pusha T album Daytona which I mean I knew I obviously knew who he was but I'm saying it's like when something new comes out that you can get excited behind I really much I mean Kanye made the beats and it just it further proved my point when everyone was accusing him of like whatever he might be going nuts or whatever I was like yeah but they won't care if he makes drops that he don't think good yeah and those those beats were insane I like cardi B there you go she and I sure do day thank you guys by the way for tweeting her yeah a lot of tweets and that is exactly what we wanted to bombard cardi B with with tweets about oh my god you set up the pregnancy with Christina yes and she on Instagram posted a video she's like I just got to thank my baby for giving me this luscious hair and these big boobs you know I'm saying like she really is all about it right now and I I agree she and I are you know pregnancy besties your pregnancy besties yeah I like I love my hair - my hair doesn't get that good but anyway it's interesting she and I share a due date it's very we're going to have I mean a little different she might do barter births together she's gonna fly out here she might do a actually announced agenda we're going a little different route you know what's your pronoun you don't and believe in an inflicting that kind of thing it's for them to decide yeah our nursery is totally gender neutral mm-hmm yellows greens orange I don't believe in specific toys either I also believe in asking every day yeah when you feel like today what are you today especially starting around six months old I ask for consent when I change their diaper always ask for consent each a diaper feed you know pick them up bathe them and then cuz that works right we're asking I mean after all we have experiences with one so far and they they're really good at signaling when they want to do things that are there are the word yes we hear the word yes a lot from a toddler yeah yeah it's one of their first words yes I'm thinking about it maybe let me consider the options they're very rational you know creatures so well that's one of the reasons I don't have baby showers I don't believe in having that binary structure yeah on gender people giving me generate specific things I will say it is rare but always a treat when well first of all when like for instance when a couple weeks ago when the female listeners sent in their try it out videos which is a really a spectacular treat and then now when we get a video like this where it's a woman saying she wants the sexes I'll let you know a little secret there's no shortage of men out there who make requests like this but when it's a lady it's it's a very special thing well it's a role reversal we're generally not that forward about our sexual needs this is a major forward is is a understatement for this I think yeah I want to get [ __ ] Neil okay I should be able to get [ __ ] when I want to get [ __ ] she's right okay I worked so [ __ ] hard and I ain't never got no second time to get no [ __ ] dick like this [ __ ] is yeah well she does have a point look she's a very attractive woman she works I feel like women it's easier for us to get laid she should be able to walk what's her problem - walk into like a park and go who wants to [ __ ] and then a guy that I think maybe she has like like is the problem that she's going after unattainable men or cuz no kidding nah she's going after losers that's the problem losers but she's not even getting it from losers he's getting it from scumbags my thinking is she's attracting the wrong kinds but she said [ __ ] me okay I should be able to get [ __ ] when I want to get [ __ ] did she say she can't get it period know what's happening I mean is she lined to the right places are you going to bars I don't know where we go - Ellie I deserve to be getting my face [ __ ] right me a world your face rock in my tote yeah yeah yeah suffocate me [ __ ] die and go to [ __ ] cabin and [ __ ] who I want to [ __ ] up there - mmhmm she might have some it's a new new doctor drew [ __ ] me lady yeah by the way I always uh as always a huge thanks to dr. drew people loved it he loved it yeah I mean when he's here he thinks I'm being a little is it sadistic one year he was I was really happy because he was getting on you more than me this yeah he really he thinks that I'm laughing at his uncomfortability and upon further speculation alysus I think some of its that but I think some of it is also the inappropriateness playing somebody so overqualified like a legit doctor he's also been you know 40 years treating people the day like he's really overqualified and having him watch our ridiculous videos of course that's oh it's such a joy for me comedy and I get giddy knowing that we're asking him to analyze these ridiculous videos yeah it's just it's my most favorite thing so there's one or two things going on here this is either a smart lady who realizes the comedy in doing this and she's doing it because she knows it'll get tons of you yeah sure or it's a very mentally unstable person she should give out her address like the guide does try it out guy she would get lots of responses yeah you got a phone number yeah if she wants to respond let's see cuz I so far I mean see here's my point like there's no way this lady can't get someone to she's clear this dingdong and her throat yeah that's easy-peasy yeah why does that be a challenge you know she's like no one will do it [ __ ] you do it they do it right now if she was in the other room I just walk in there and do it because it's what you needed yes so yeah and it's a silly thing it's they can't be true I can't do this no I need some [ __ ] dick like this I can't live like this like what the [ __ ] yeah I got some good ass [ __ ] I got some good Olympian throat Olympian oh just lipstick I can suck this is the world starting okay there it is that's the reason ma troll that's why I mean she's an angel I don't understand what well the the overt crazy is a deterrent yeah it might be the problem but still see I would still go in there at least for one when not yeah by with her it's not one that cuz you know she's gonna blow up your phone there's gonna be multiple texts there's gonna be follow-up calls she might find your [ __ ] home and stalk you and this [ __ ] is too crazy well you know you walk you go to her place you give her a fake number I mean what's up second it's like that thirty five thousand text girl she's too cray that's that's the problem yeah you love all that stuff you joke about second wife yeah that's good be it this is dalmatian way this might be my Dalmatian she'd be good at the boys great mom yeah it's all I'm thinking about ya know speaking of love affairs particularly yours and mine yesterday you came downstairs you've been fighting this cold getting over it yeah and in the morning we have some coffee before we pick up LJ from the crib and you were working and bringing up your phlegm in the kitchen as we were talking and drinking in it and I look over and I'm like it's okay alright I held my tongue and then you got up you didn't really you got all right I didn't when I did when I saw you horking a loogie into her kitchen sink the second sink the bars still it's somewhere that we wash our hands we wash glasses the kid plays and like not really an ideal place for working like a sick loogie mm-hmm and I called it tension I was like do you think you can maybe not do that in the kitchen and do that in the bathroom and I swear it the look on your face was like what like you were indignant like righteous indignation like I can't believe this [ __ ] is telling me I can't hock a loogie in my kitchen saying it was it was you know it's kind of annoying back in the life it's annoying yeah it's because that bathrooms like five whole steps from where hocked on yeah five steps I mean here's the thing you know when you're when you're getting through fighting through and getting out of a sick of bronchial thing worst time is definitely the morning for cleaning it because what happens is you sit there I know and that stuff just drips all night so you wake up and it's just it's like you're coming you're really coming through some some dog [ __ ] so you know the first thing is you take your morning piss I know I know now with you it's a medley of sound I know you know it's interesting cuz I know what you're doing in the next room just based on sounds yeah other day I was like are you scratching your nuts and you're like how'd you know my cuz I can hear it I know other I know what each one means like a deeper oh that's a but scratch a lighter sound is the front scratch so when you get up to pee and there's multiple farts that's a morning pee generally yeah not a night so specifically a morning sure so when I got down there I was ready to drink my coffee but then you know I I just kind of took a deep breath was like oh there's some stuff to bring up and I brought it up I wasn't really thinking you know yeah no I know I know you weren't no before that you had a paper towel that you would like like a dirty paper towel you'd found on the kitchen table and then that one you were spitting into god block that one out I almost bought I almost vomited and I thought surely he can't take this further and that's when you got up and you well I think we're jumping over the fact when I first got up I was like I got a pretty big boner right now right which is kind of normal for you but then your choice of like courting me and getting me on board with the boner yeah what's the hock and [ __ ] can make these sounds yeah be disgusting so like in your mind you're like oh I got this boner I left my wife to help me out with it like and then every flower blooms differently yeah you know every color I got this boner yeah so gross like how you're like why don't you give me [ __ ] I'm like mom you know seven half months pregnant I just barf into my own mouth all day which I'm fine with it's really not what I want to do I know but I mean I don't I wouldn't let it I wouldn't be bothered by it no I would oh it's a constant heartburn my bad yeah anyways that was our sexy life yesterday yeah then we watch a sexy movie yeah Molly's been avoiding this movie no I don't know why I think it's just I'm not a fan of the the artwork I might've found a trailer yeah movies much better than the artwork or the trailer well the artwork you know why you don't like it cuz it looks like it's marketed to women because they use a pink font I think and so I'm sure guys are like I don't want to watch some great chick movie and it's not really a chick movie I'm really not at all chick movie right she's a woman who is doing extraordinary things and it's interesting but yeah they didn't market it correctly it's Jessica Chastain and she plays Molly bloom who was an Olympic skier who then ended up running a poker games like exclusive poker games in Los Angeles and later New York Jew dark titties yeah and anyways it's a great it's a really cool story it's really well done movie I mean yes about gambling but it's more about our tits well her tits were spectacular they were out the entire movie the entire there wasn't a movie there was one scene where they covered them up and I thought I wonder why they're covering them up now it's the kind of it's the kind of movie and the kind of tits where you're wondering why there isn't a more in-depth conversation about her in the move right because he does bring it up once her attorney is like you may want to dress down for court later that's right I thought he was gonna be like that judge is gonna ask the SEC on your tips or something and I have to say as a cisgendered woman yeah heterosexual I didn't I normally don't I'm not fascinated by tits the whole I was like enraptured looking at only that you right away started the conversation you go you think they're real and my immediate feedback was 100% I think they're real now see what let's talk about this because there she's very petite she's very tiny it's very rare to have such big cans on such a small body I could tell that there was a lot of help in in giving out that type of cleavage in other words right there was a supportive bra and my tight clothes up top pressing those people up so photographs of people watching can see what you're talking about first of all she's very beautiful she's very made-up in this film I think every single scene she's got full hair full makeup yeah well after yeah at a certain point yeah it's just super super made-up and every dress is like a titty showcase dress yeah even court she's wearing like a titty you see there's her tits there her tits are there see I do think they're real life they're real I think they're real they have a natural they have a natural drop to them yeah and then they're just exposed more and this bra is just lifting them up and pushing them together which giving this you know the cleavage which is really nice now the thing I will tell you the occurred room here's how you can tell by the way this is the real good girl right here where the real girl and she's got big tits ooh yeah so the thing is she looks like she definitely is down she's real pretty too she's the real girl is prettier than Jessica Chastain I there see now here's this interesting is that that looks like a faker faker it does you right here's how you can tell if tits are real mm-hmm if when you put them in a bra they mash together okay that that like fat lady cleavage where the tits are yeah real tits mushed together because it's squishy fakers separate yeah they're apart there's a big cavern between the two now I could it could just be her brah ya see I can't tell cuz they're all those look like real hangars yeah yeah but then sometimes they look fake cuz she's so petite now this is all the movie stuff this is her at a premiere right here and they look well it's already like casual to pictures so this is her at a movie premiere she got the side spillage here that looks like real tit meat as my tip meat will do that cuz fake tits you'll kind of see the bag like they're hard and you look like those for real see how they push together in the middle there nice ya know the perfect he's got real nice tits until she pops out a couple of kids think we can get her on the show join them now talk about it I would love a look is the articles about her cleavage oh cool keeping it classy Oh show she's still she's 40 damn really mm-hmm she ain't got no kids that's why little titties look old no there's no kids I'm just assuming maybe she had him lifted after yeah some [ __ ] are lucky they have kids are tits pop right back yeah mine mine two state troopers for life I gotta get some switch with a second kid it's a disaster now ya see that size outfit she wears in court and then they're real the whole everything is about those tits Molly yeah game was played ways it's a good movie if you guys are looking for a move you haven't seen it I think it's it it's definitely entertaining man tits yeah and you like tits these this is the kind of show you're gonna like if you got a wife it doesn't let you look at stuff you can be like let's watch Molly yeah I heard it was a really cool story there it's no interesting analysis Tom but here's the thing so I I texted this fine of ours he works as a stylist he styled Styles all these celebrities you know huh I said do you know Jessica Chastain you work with her he goes I don't style her I asked him do you think those tits are real he goes oh yeah yeah those are real I've seen her before mm-hmm and you're right and he's a gay guy so guys they know these stuff they really know um according to this I don't I don't think she has kids yeah that's why those titties look nice yeah yeah she 40 she had tests like that ain't got no kids it doesn't say here I mean it says that she's uh she's married looks like to a real [ __ ] Guinea Gianluca bossy that but I still see an actor he's a normal person I'm just yeah anyways yeah but those hits are they're really something and her teeth are nice and white too like she's really white teeth I admire that yeah she has really nice teeth those are important especially as a movie star now you know you're a movie star now do you think you'll get yours whitened there's still a little yeah I was right by the way this this Italian guy he's the count of the bus see that but at both pseudo noble family she account yeah that's cool he is an executive for Montclair and she married him at his family's estate and got a banana II thought he Wow Wow what's your title my name is Sir Thomas testes the reigning king of working working and farting farting and burping here lookin gross that's me I'm in charge ya know I know this is yeah apparently my son from my previous relationship oh [ __ ] Segura hit at the face oh my goodness girls down do you know that mmm 25 times a week people send me a link to Jean Segura yes I get it too on Twitter and stuff for a year have you ever heard of this guy I'm like do you know that you are the eight thousands person to send me that Nick Hundley the catcher immediately went again to the Brewers dugout that is not a good sign for Jean Segura okay now and there's a body builder named Maria Segura yeah I get sent out every now and off-speed pitch it came in at 80 miles an hour but still at all nothing to get out of the way almost sounded like it hit part of the helmet [ __ ] yeah hit with a baseball team it's got her to his feet walking the first base that's a great sign have a helmet on he did right he did yes yeah when we were you know my previous girlfriend yeah we were always telling the wear his helmet so I'm glad he did yeah means yeah I've been hit in the head with a while playing doubles tennis my partner was serving and she served the ball right into my head the back of my head that was really horrible that happens it does it's not good I hit my cousin Jeanette with a baseball bat what yeah why I was a t-ball and yeah I and I hit then I hit Brian neither kinda the same bat maybe you should I was pretty bad at it and we were kids we were probably seven eight and on the backswing I hit Jeanette in the head why the [ __ ] was she standing so close to you I don't know so that was a whole ordeal she went inside there's a lot of Tears it was like alright try it this time and this time I went and I hit the ball off the tee and on the followed like on the swing through I clocked Brian in the jaw yeah that's bad yeah there were a lot of tears and then I ran home because I was so [ __ ] upset and scared that's terrible I thought I killed my two cousins yeah I hope you stop playing t-ball after that that was it that was the last time I ever picked up a bat yeah that sounds [ __ ] hope our kid doesn't play t-ball it sounds like the most boring [ __ ] to watch it sounds pretty terrible so baseball is so slow man that's one smart I can't really watch for long that's pretty bad yeah I'm not into it at all what can we get him into that involves indoors air conditioning you know like swimming swimming is great right easy running now it's outdoors [ __ ] or the indoor sports I don't know but I want to be able to be comfortable in this in the warmer months here water polo yeah water polo okay that's good hockey you can do indoors that's dangerous I don't like hockey no way hockey's danger I saw yeah um no no archery my real sport oh you get them into martial arts what's always that's good yeah that's our condition yeah comfortable seating that's what you want right yeah so what we'll show them we'll show them like we'll get a pamphlet ready yeah I've only indoor sports yeah that's comfortable seating air-conditioning like and no traveling I don't want to have to get on airplanes on the weekends to take him to games and other stuff okay places this is like mother of the year stuff you and then when he goes sakharova it's impossible sorry it's an outdoors work and also I don't want to have to bring snacks for the entire team or be involved in any way what kind of sports do they have for that yeah I think you're you're really excluding a lot of sports a lot left yeah soccer soccer is okay right he can't definitely outdoors and there's definitely traveling that's the leave whoo yeah yeah [ __ ] he can't get hurt that bad right with soccer you can get hurt for sure you sprained your ankle or some [ __ ] no football no people get [ __ ] up playing soccer not every not every game but I mean people get kicked in the head knees to the head you know hey breaking but he's not gonna play soccer because he's gonna have your built in your stature and your body you're not built for soccer you're you're built for couch what else what sports you've been lifting things heavy things yeah his grandfather was a good Olympics I'm saying he's got your bill the Segura build so what kind of weightlifting there you go yeah wait that's safe oh that's indoors that's indoors great seating tonight yeah not snacks no I have to bake anything yeah there you go weightlifting we found the sport there you go I like this hours of time yeah what else are you guys good at that's pretty much it just lifting heavy [ __ ] that's what he was best at I do both of you are good at they have broad shoulders really good yeah he was a dashing top Doug yeah he called you from the toilet the other day yeah he did he showed me that he was using a handicap stall he always takes pride in that what is this here somebody sent me this this app done yeah [Laughter] yeah I'm the same way I don't care doesn't bother me yeah yeah let me beat me yeah do you think that guy's a fan of your mom's house I don't know now on that footage I don't know it's unaired footage so this is our old one oh yeah no that's the only yeah I still have all this artwork up here pretty nice yeah so it's like Topp Dogg's trying it out before they try it out thing he started it we got some more try it out bid you want to see him real quick horse okay here's a one right here good you're a hot black guy you want to [ __ ] me 2395 [ __ ] me like a 70s detective actor big yeah he's doing like the real dramatic read yeah I may be [ __ ] a lot man free food free rent anything else man you mean I'm from jail homeless [ __ ] thug you want to move in you Frank the movie was doing free it always the key [ __ ] me baby come on you know seem you want to try it off I can try it out [ __ ] try it out try to [ __ ] piss let me try it out series that look it's only [ __ ] let's [ __ ] man I'm looking for hardcore guys meaning oh I want to [ __ ] delivery I'm a high white-trash calm down what's for really good you know a lot of times actors are looking for monologues to perform for class yeah I mean you can see it or for stage this is definitely something that we've shown to be very versatile as a piece you take this into an acting class I guarantee you your acting coaches attention [Laughter] that's an interpretation yeah you should just say you know you gotta give it credibility so say I was an indie film I saw I was watching this thing on YouTube and there's this indie film this guy man yeah it's really he's kind of make up a name you know dude could you imagine if some kid brought this to his acting class oh my god yeah it's amazing he's so [ __ ] great I bet our guest that I could do a real readable oh we should have him do it slots you can defeat once felish mom has her shots a tournament good science percent nookie of Domino's person as you can put him using it as made of mesh me to give mishmash recipients for in town Christmas for Flemish come for my man phobia sauce so HD color hardcore man young see stance man myself Sean management's s1 let's [ __ ] oh wow I heard that was it uh what is it black his farts Schwarz is bad I heard it hit that we get into you good good stuff guys International submissions now um so that is a [ __ ] Hakeem so how you say it a him love him it doesn't stop getting five in the building try it out run and find out man I'm just looking for some hot black do it [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] got a mental illness love it it's so funny if you wanna learn [Music] you gotta do [Music] I need you [ __ ] a lot oh my god holy [ __ ] oh my god that's Cal a thousand remaining Callay kalle I I mean the auto-tune and some of that's called auto - yeah that is amazing really great man why my calm down it's so fun he took that line that we tried to figure I goes what the [ __ ] is that damn that was brilliant you guys still every singing yesterday send me home yeah now it's definitely how a man out oh yeah I'm home I'm home here right now I totally know I mean who knew that that one video would spawn so much creative material so much sound a song and black guys to love to [ __ ] guys that worse got caught trying to do it I love the work ones that was Derek I'm building my car do the black guys you wanna [ __ ] you think you can [ __ ] me out of breath for you right try to piss on me beep you try it over for stroke gang member try it out yeah as long as you're willing to [ __ ] fat like Burt try it out I'm here on 2395 no but I'll be home later pull me out that's mine out that was great he's actually on a jog that's amazing and then what is this this is another animation that came in black guys love to [ __ ] you wanna [ __ ] me at 2390 look I'm nasty looks pretty terrible [ __ ] now I need I need to be [ __ ] up doing free food free rent and everything else and yet here's the deal Anna man from Jay homeless sir you're a thug not come move in Franklin movements two men better ghost toast well your teeth are way too weight in that animation okay the stuttering I love when they get the frantic sputtering and the yeah yeah movie I'm hot white trash come to us yeah what's interesting about Drew's last appearance well there's a few things that but also that the mental illness and the drug use it's hard to tell which is which yeah which was kind of a revelation like oh it is it math or is it just he's mentally ill sure so lots of think about yeah why don't we take a short break here and prepare for our guests yeah sure sure is about to arrive and farts push the [ __ ] out March push the [ __ ] out was huge and he really felt I like that he got a little defensive he's like well hold on a second let me let me address this like he wasn't just gonna let that slide no because he does not believe that farts push the [ __ ] or that [ __ ] shits push the farts out he yeah Wow we learned something every time with dr. drew maybe sure do many thanks to him all right we'll be back shortly you won't know as always that we paused and we're back from the pause you never knew about and joining us is long overdue it's really long overdue you may know him from stand-up specials television shows and you may have mispronounced his name for years you know I've seen it I've seen it in person I've heard you say that before like people say I was with her yeah I was with them on the street it's funny when someone says I love you that yeah I love you yeah they D'Elia yeah it's D'Elia and it won't matter that I said that though because it will still happen all the time I say it I make sure to say it I said posture fees aren't I know it messes it really is if ranch no it's a lien come on I know I'm I'm a [ __ ] I don't know no it it's Italian and they they just say I mean people everyday d'lai are you crystal Arlen hell yeah it's like there's one [ __ ] isn't that funny like someone sees a symbol and they're like I don't want to [ __ ] with that yeah I know I then you go like just it's phonetic dude just I know that Alya yeah I guess Delia I guess I could understand but people [ __ ] it up way worse I mean I've been on the phone with people where they go like mr. uh that blame yours mine because they go I think what happens is you know mines not as intimidating but you know to some people G just sound it out exactly the way your last name is completely phonetic totally for there's no way to screw that it's a that's why I go by Pete just the letter P I'm not [ __ ] I'm I always I've said it I always knew I was dating her for real like I was like I liked this girl when I could spell it like her that's true only my diehard friend my real friends can spell my last name as your is your mom Italian officer my mom is Italian yeah but she's her maiden name is Dombrowski she's polish yes mmm dubrovsky oh is she from the old contrary no her parents and my parents parents and [ __ ] like that oh she's got that deep trauma that Eastern yeah I don't know I don't know how much I don't know how much trauma is it I don't know how much rum is in her family like early like like way back where Paul locks are they Jews to know okay polish yeah I met the hung out with the daliyah's you did yeah we're in Vancouver yeah there's when he shot his last but yeah yeah yeah you were there the night before I something like that I might yeah oh right yeah that was there the day after you oh you were yeah so you'd shot your special I got a Friday okay gotcha mine was Saturday and they didn't change the marquee which no really yeah they gave they're giving me [ __ ] about not doing the alt show after my show oh yes oh and I was like I'm being it be [ __ ] about doing it after shooting my special eyes again I'm not gonna do that you know yeah and the guy was like we can't we're counting on you I'm like for the alt show yeah yeah and they were like cuz and then when when they were like you know like agents and managers were kind of giving [ __ ] back they're like do you haven't even changed the marquee all right all right all right our bad on that yeah I remember Josh Majer would always just be like oh I remember he would just be like you can doing it you know they really want look they want you to do it I'll tell him no I could you know I'm like dude I'm not going and by the way by the way by the way though me as me by the way he did I did I was talking about him on my podcast and they apparently like every like week like somebody's like dude crystal you talk to like through in the business people like from CAA or like dude have you heard this he's like I've heard it because you would always say dude every time I would pitch a [ __ ] idea to him he be like look there's a show in there he would say and dude like no it's the [ __ ] show dude it's the show so sure I get started to the work [Laughter] [Laughter] yeah a lot of years we've been hearing those [ __ ] phrase I mean me and you were like his first yeah two of the first I remember I remember meeting you in front of the Melrose improv this has got to be like oh seven Wow and I remember asking you I actually remember asking like oh you guys are do you work with him and you're like oh he's like helping me out Oh was that I was like what do you mean you're like I don't even know what that meant you're like like he's helping me out but I'm not yeah so it was probably so what happened was I I had started doing stand-up in 2005 and I before that I was like like a writer like I had made money optioning scripts and [ __ ] really yeah yeah and and I I started doing stand-up and my manager at three arts named Stephanie Davis it's great she would always be like you should do stand-up and I would be like yeah I've always wanted to stand up like that's Amaya was your reaction in my yeah in my ever since I was a kid I was like the goal is to do stand-up oh yeah 100% but it was always like I was always like and I didn't know how dumb that was this was then but like I was like I'll get in I'll get famous first which is like everyone would hate me comics would hate you but ya know that's like the worst thing to do is just you got it you got a you know grind and hit the trenches but but but so so I so Stephanie was like my literary manager and she was like she was like try stand-up and I tried I did stand-up and I did it for a few months and because I was at this point out because also my things that were getting optioned none of it was getting made so I was like oh this is writing screenplays yeah yeah yeah yeah I like I had a movie Kevin Spacey was gonna produce hit yeah anyway you must have been like I was 22 and did you have I was wondering this like did you because your dad was a director yeah did you have you read just dozens and dozens of scripts so you kinda yeah I grew up in it yeah so I knew what it was all about what a [ __ ] script was and yeah yeah but also but also like like you know how like you know I go up so much I do stand-up so much like when I'm focused on something I'm so [ __ ] like I would I would literally sit and write for eight hours a day yeah I know I I can't even [ __ ] believe I did that you still do this ever no because it cuz it's all about stand-up now you know what I mean like I if like if I'm pitching a show like I'll develop the idea and [ __ ] but I'm never like I'm never like I'm always like oh I got a show tonight you know and I want to do this new joke or or develop this or say this new thing so it's more like I'm a [ __ ] and yeah exactly my energy yeah can I just say I'm so impressed with your you're such a great performer you're always up great like I you're always great onstage when I see like I'll pop at the store and I'll see you doing but Intellivision too like you've done these sitcoms and I'm always blown away ain't you look great on camera and be you can deliver sometimes these jokes that like are not technically hard jokes and they're funny in your context like how [ __ ] hard is that because I took a sick hum act in class recently and it's really hard it's not easy to do sitcom act yeah well first of all things I feel like um I feel like it the thing you know I don't know but I think that it's it's it's totally different like it's just it's not I think when you try to bring the same like I was talking about this like because kimete because comedians will be like because they'll ask me about like social media they'll be like how did you get a following and [ __ ] like you can't like do the same tone on different mediums you know what I mean like like if you're yeah if you're a comedian on stage doing stand-up like that's not the same thing as being a character in a show on a sitcom even though there's an audience there and I always think about this like like when you're shooting is especially for me because I'm real animated on stage but like when I go and I do a show in the car at the Comedy Store I know there's people in the [ __ ] back yeah you know what I mean so I can be as animated as I as I need to be but like when I'm shooting a special I always have it in the back of my mind that most people are gonna be watching this on their [ __ ] TV so I don't really change much but like I know I'm in the back of my head I'm like there will be close-ups so like you can't like put like I've seen comedians I've seen comedians who I [ __ ] love I think they're some of the top comedians and they're specials just they they're just like excited that they're doing the special and you could see it on their [ __ ] face on the clothesline it's two minute and it doesn't it yeah it's not their best performance and so so even in stand-up it's a different thing like if you're shooting something so if you're doing something as a an actor on a sitcom or even if you're on a show you know some drama or whatever the [ __ ] it is it's all different and even on social media like you can't do the same [ __ ] you do on stage on like it's all different it's all different so I think that when you try to bring the same energy it just doesn't work you're talking about acting in a comedy versus the drama you're like you said that the dramas are the worst because like you're there all day and then you're like hey what that's that's the fun yeah he's actually to say that's the yeah it's it's it's it's really like I mean when you're doing a comedy like you do you you're literally like I don't know man when I shot this movie called flock of dudes and it was with like all of these great comedians that are you know like Kemal Hannibal I mean Brett Gelman was in it was just we were we were crying laughing shooting the [ __ ] movie and and then you do like a drama like you know I mean I was on the good doctor last year and it was just like you don't have that you know every time you do a take on on a comedy it's like you find out oh this is funny too or this is funny we'll do it again this is funny till you do it seven times whatever is so funny every time but you know I'm talking to this doctor about like I'm the doctors neighbor and I'm like oh cool yeah so how was work it's like yeah it's like yeah if you're not unless you're doing like a real like the doctor role is cool you know what I mean like cuz he's like it feeds him artistically and he's playing this real role and he's got like but like when you're the neighbor in a drama yeah yeah and and and I I did this this movie I think if that's every week - that's what I said I actually started doing it on stage like though my I started talking about how like my worst nightmare job is to be on like CSI and for eight seasons be Rich's [ __ ] but be that [ __ ] guy where you're like I'm Way ahead a I type in my brains that I flew with what's the guy that played Christoph played me oh yeah yeah and that Sex in the City so we were talking all about this stuff and he goes he said he's like he's like you know that role is like it was fine or whatever and then he goes he was on Law & Order yeah yeah how was you know how did you like that he goes well he's like it you know gave me a lot of finance right but he's like every week it's the same Garant and you just go like you're like we need to talk to that guy now just repeat every week he's like there's nothing there he's like you know what I was I was like Downton Abbey like you know where there's like actual real things happening yeah there's a there's the drama swells and he's like it's just like brilliant riding he's like this Law & Order [ __ ] yeah who freaked out that he was on the plane because like you know women it's women know him she saw him she started to shake and he was like god damn it he's like he's like not with American Airlines this [ __ ] Delta [ __ ] they're obviously not professional when she did that he should have just said sit out sit down then they're asking her for pictures he's like some professional oh geez oh oh the actual that's hilarious yeah actually by the tennis pro yeah I don't we were talking about this me and you we don't cuz Burt likes it when we talk about when people come up we don't like it right yeah I'm like I first of all I'm super nice to everybody of course yeah anybody says anything to me I'm always nice of course I'm saying that he relishes may I yeah he quartz it is a quartz it's it we went to the national championship game uh-huh with re and men would be like hey Burt like you want a picture if they want a pic and then they'd be like all right it was totally yeah I don't think I don't like is that because it ends up on the internet and you look like [ __ ] for a minute you know what I mean I never think that I guess for a woman that that's a brutal [ __ ] makeup on I'm always just like I don't I I I'm I don't know what is um I'm putting expectations of the person I'm assuming them so I'm always like wondering where where you're expecting this to go in other words like oh like you know sometimes I'll walk in there like come have a drink with us I don't know you're a stranger this is one of the first things you'll learn no yeah well and Burt well like invite people back to his hotel the Hyatt that's great yeah yeah one time he did it to the audience of the show he was like there's a performer he's like oh so if you guys want to come Anna and they came in like drove oh my especially cuz they we can party with the party guy yeah well that's the whole brand then the bartender was left ran out of [ __ ] like we don't even have the alcohol anymore dude I like I have like in my head I have like I like these rules where it's like first of all I think I was telling you like I don't know what it is with me but I think and I'm this is not an exaggeration eight or nine out of ten times they come up they say something insulting oh right realize it and I understand I understand you know we lose trackers we're around people that we think are funny all the time but they're like oh oh this is the only this is I get to see a comedian I like I never have seen that right yeah yeah so I get that they get the motormouth thing whatever you wanna call it but like they'll be like oh my god like oh like man oh dude I always try to forget my friends [ __ ] hate you and always but I always stick up for you like that and i and i'm and i know but and so if that happens I'm not nice to you because you have to understand that what you just did yeah yeah yeah so I say did you just come up here to tell me a bunch of people don't like me but I do yeah exactly no I'll try to say oh man and just say you're sir then at that point just say oh [ __ ] I'm sorry I didn't know what to say but that never happens they're like no no I just yeah and I don't you you remind you know you remind me of like what you know you remind me of who that guy from The Hangover I'm like Zach Galifianakis yeah I'm like why because we have beards yeah they're funny people yeah they think are actually funnier than yeah yeah yeah you know who's really funny yeah oh yeah oh yeah that's what agents and managers like to do too yeah I don't even like but there's also like little ones with that art that are like that kind of irked me like aw dude my my [ __ ] brothers a huge fan can I get a picture forever always yes like you know it's like my friend loves you can i he's gonna be good crazy that I took a picture yeah I always say oh not you huh oh no no I mean I like you too but yeah I like you cristela yeah we'll do like a sold out The Wiltern you like yeah that's great you had a woman come up to me once after his set at the Comedy Store I I still to this day don't know what she was getting at but she said hey and I was like ah what's up and she was like you're really funny I was like oh thanks a lot I appreciate that and so so far right the compliment really well yeah yeah she says yeah like super super funny I was like oh thanks a lot like also that's the other thing how many times do people say it a few times and you're like listen I got it the first time you know yeah you're like hey dude you're so funny oh thanks like really oh thanks no no no like seriously I believed you the first time doing I don't know you were you trying to take this right yeah exactly so so she was doing that she did it like twice and then I said oh thanks a lot and and then she said I mean you know and I said uh I said uh I I said what what you know and she said I mean you know you're not like amazingly funny and I was like and I couldn't believe it and I said what and she said no no no no funny you're really funny but you're not like and she would do that and I said I don't know what you're what what we're supposed to go and then she the the way it ended was I mean you're not like Eddie Murphy nobody's that's what she said and I said okay yeah fine I said you're just being rude yeah why are you pointing this out it was a wider levels just say the compliment and then I thought weirdest one I ever had because it lasted too long and she kept she kept not saying things and I was like what come on spit it out but man one time I remember this guy came up to me outside of the Comedy Store he has them on deck yeah yeah cuz cuz I cuz I come up to me is this looking kid he's in his 20s and he was like hey man dude my friends [ __ ] always talk [ __ ] about you they don't think you're funny but I think you're the [ __ ] funniest guy go like this [ __ ] you right in his [ __ ] face yeah I go [ __ ] you bro and he had his phone out to take a picture and I walked in and he was like yeah why do you think that bothers you so it sounds like the compliment of like the my friends hate you but I like you that seems to be the one that because here's what it is here's what yeah because because they think that they think that there's they're saying like you know there's that whole thing like it's kind of like saying like all that band's great oh yeah I like them before their album came out I like them they want they want to be in on the on the thing that other people aren't in on you know that [ __ ] bugs the [ __ ] out of me dude there's one thing to say I love your work thank you you're great that's it and you know what other thing other part of this is that there's lost on some people is that they don't make that same concession to their compliment to other types of artists it's like if they saw the actor it's true I'm the thing they wouldn't be like you're a decent enough act yes I love you no one goes up Jenna [ __ ] band and is like kind of a good band there's another baby yeah we're also out on the [ __ ] patio and [ __ ] like it's a sudden of brenards and he was like dude think about like if you love comedy and you're and you're like and you and you live in Iowa and you're on Netflix you're like oh these guys are amazing you go to the comedy store you could just be like hey what's up Burch was saying it's like it's like you go and you [ __ ] see you go you go see Derek Jeter at the [ __ ] you're at the Yankees game in you're like oh hey what's up arrogance okay what's up let me just think I'm trying to think from the perspective of the audience member who's like hey my friends don't like you I think they're trying to be like just wanting to know I'm going against all odds here like I'm kind of telling my friends to go [ __ ] themselves that's how much I'm on a bat for you you're a guy a positive way of thinking about it however you have to understand that that's not how it's going to come across he's right though I mean you know till he is right you're actually right - yeah you're right but I'm trying to think like why would someone be like that because they're like I argue with my friends I defend you oh my god I think there's also there's just one there's this thing that happens in people's heads that they're not even fully aware of when they meet a comedian and that is that especially one that they just saw they're like you just made all these people laugh I have a moment with you right and they want to say something either really funny to you or insightful or memorable Shirin so they they kind of go like this sit and they it's a verbal diarrhea and let you know I had one holy [ __ ] that was [ __ ] hilarious [Laughter] and then her friends are like she's a [ __ ] idiot yo she said that thing don't I got no no no it's fine yeah I've had a bunch of those man I've had a bunch of those that you're just there just like you kind of wanna go do you know I also my pet peeve one what is I find it super annoying is like you walk let's say from a club into like the [ __ ] barroom most people are gone yeah people know or maybe it's like the hotel across the street and like somebody will be like oh yeah they go pretty funny Oh knowledge that I'll be like yeah that drives me nuts because it's like yo uh they're in my head they're like I got [ __ ] - yeah I mean I'm good at my job yeah like oh you're cool now I just bought a ticket to see me and you left your ass off and now you're gonna be cool it'll be cool me that to me is the equivalent of literally looking at someone and being like you're not bad-looking and you're like what oh yeah pretty good is so dismissive I think I get that from men but never from men say competing with me guys girls hey guys Oh like you don't want to feel like they're bowing to you right reserved I will say I bet Chris gets it more because he's your to me it seems like a lot of like young girls like you because you're you know what I'm saying like your demo is maybe like cuter hotter not like tom was a savage I get guys that look like me yeah guys that come to my show look like they have health problems I always talk about I'm like I've never see theirs listen Chris Delia's audience is significantly better looking than yours like let's just absolutely in court would be proven correct so I'm imagining that you have these like cute girls by the way sorry in the clouds and they'll be like Thalia was here whoa all good-looking so the guys must [ __ ] hate you it's got to be hate daggers I get I do get it I do get like sometimes like the guys are like like 12 like dude dudes come out to see me like together and they're like we win the [ __ ] thing and you're like oh god they think I'm like them I'm like so not that guy you know I mean like but um but you can't believe how big a place get into Twitter battles grand slammer right yeah because I don't pay attention to much but imagine you be one of those people that would engage it's just he doesn't let it slide people say to me like you know you should really let that go you know like we blur like you're better than that and I'm like there is no [ __ ] way I'm better than that I'm that good however good you think that is that's exactly the level dude I just my one of my fate and people are like you shouldn't let it get to you it's not even that it gets to me and I'm not saying it never does of course sometimes it does but it's it's so fun dude that's the whole thing I think it comes across that you're having fun oh okay good good good to know you know what's your what are you what what turns you this is what I love about it dude this is what I [ __ ] love about it because first of all we live in the age of the Internet which is [ __ ] [ __ ] okay because a guy who's not even close to me who I don't know should not be able to say anything to me that's it the rule he's not in the room with me I don't know him he shouldn't be able to talk to me okay we live in a world where everybody like that can talk to me okay and and that's in my head [ __ ] up alright so so the fact that that person can just like dude okay and it's hard to do this without sounding like pompous or whatever but like if I if when I was a kid if I could reach out to like people that I like oh my goodness I'd have blown my mind like I remember I met Jim Carrey once and I didn't wash my hands for like four days but now people were just like let me just tweet him [ __ ] in this movie but so so now so now when the fact that somebody can do that okay is and the fact that I can tweet you know whoever uh Tom Hardy it's a it's a it's a luxury it's a privilege okay yeah so if you're gonna be able to do that they think I'm just this guy nobody's gonna see you know he's gonna see this no [ __ ] that I'm retweeting it now you get to see how my life is dude yeah I'm retweeting this and I'm just giving you a [ __ ] I'm giving you a shot or whatever the [ __ ] you want to call it and now everybody gets to talk [ __ ] to you yeah this is all dude what the [ __ ] is not cool this is my life [ __ ] yeah this is how it is this is this is that you've entered this is exactly what you wanted right this is what life is this is the Internet you get to talk to me oh really it's talk to you now I wish I was crazy too when somebody will talk [ __ ] and then they go they talk [ __ ] and if you put them on blast then they're like it's really not cool the way ya shared it with everybody and you're like wait what you shared it with everyone as soon as you tweeted it it's the internet X so what what specific freaks you out the most what what gets under your skin on Twitter well here's the other thing all go look at my name I don't look at I don't just because I want to see the negative [ __ ] so I'll just type in my name I'm truly all right the other side genomic I look at my name because I was like I can't wait to retweet some of these guys and like talk [ __ ] they don't think because they don't think they have like 36 followers and they're like I'm just going to say it [ __ ] it and then I loved I love to think of them going to sleep and then wake and being like what the [ __ ] they're like having just replies and then because I know I know they get I know their their heart beats a little bit okay I've seen you do it tomorrow people obviously the biggest one ever was this local woman which I know you've probably discussed as an ad nauseam but just two people never let's go out yeah that's the the YouTube guy the young guy he's like [ __ ] crazy is nearly one-in-four and he has like millions millions of subscribers on YouTube millions and millions of people follow him on social media he's a very young demographic yeah and he gotten a lot of [ __ ] obviously when he went to Japan rhymin vlogs and he made one where he went into like the suicide forest filmed the dead body coach and then you know made his video and then people around the world were just like dude you need to reevaluate your whole Evan you know he went off for a while anyways so he beats out that he has a video that like everyone needs to see or something and Chris just goes like no they don't and this guy is like oh yeah I'm laughing because I know why your comedy career took a dive okay which so that's what this guy says back now when you see that that's the name of the file is a week comes back so when you see it though yeah you see it your your Adrenaline's going right like he has me excited when I saw that I was like I I like yeah I was like so like own I almost was like oh no like this guy like what is he doing so you had a very calm assessment it was very calm yeah it was very calm but it was excited yeah in my in my in between this and you wouldn't put what is soon to be the greatest the grand slam Grand Slam of all time how long did it take it it was but it was a few it was not like a few minutes yeah yeah yeah and then when you drafted it you knew you had a [ __ ] I I that was just the one I knew I knew I was like that's just what I was like that this is what this is what the the joke is like there's not like that's look at this so this is what Chris responds me at least when my career dies you can film it put it up on YouTube he's retweeted 150 thousand times oh my god and liked 665 thousand times razy I said I got it I didn't think it would do that right I said anyone else India no no you're like is a good one yeah I was like this is the right thing to say it's funny you know I would think it was funny if I imagined someone else say about oh yeah oh wow well it is like when you know like when you've done roasts roasts you know most like the the real experienced roast writers will tell you when you're gonna when you what the approach to writing a roast joke is actually do the thing that you think of when you think of that person in other words if you're roasting a giant fat guy right you go in there like if you've every one thinks up well that guy's enormous yeah that's the wheelhouse because then it becomes a relatable joke right yeah so if the person is if the person so it's like it's like a perfect grain roast joke cause it's like it's a put-down but it's not like a to address yeah I don't want to be person I mean I guess it's a little bit personal but not really but like I wasn't yeah but it but yeah and then I and then I went to bed and then I woke up and it was like you know 200,000 likes and [ __ ] no and you and then like you must be getting texts from people and oh yeah yeah yeah dude it it was like doing the Tonight Show in the 80s people I would be walking on this people like a man got you back from Logan so funny it was like he tries to come back yeah and then and then I started to be like dude I just like like don't know why he's losing laid so like I was like yeah I was like I don't want to keep going I didn't want to really keep going but I will because I'm me and I'm like I love it you know I mean your thanks and how does it feel to have your name finally attached to something fun oh my goodness but people it was like the it was it was it was not even really the credit goes to how much he people didn't like him right now that was what people were retweeting that's not necessarily well you know it's the joke but it's it's because it's attached to somebody yeah who's done something get wholly unlockable and you're yeah but I mean he he was like he like people didn't people hated him before that Japan [ __ ] and now there was a reason where it was like oh great does he mean he would go and annoy the [ __ ] out of people and be disrespectful India he was like the the that the Tom green but the tongue green was funny I mean like but like who was like okay but be funny yes many like follow up this whole thing and anything that like as far as like somebody reach out to you from that knows him or anything like that or no no not really no I mean he you know I don't know the guy I'm yeah well I know he's in in the on his phone just like oh this is funny I was falling I'm yeah maybe is and I'm if I met the guy and he was nice [ __ ] out who cares like yeah I'm not a you know I mean like if you do something [ __ ] up which that was pretty [ __ ] up what he did yeah um you know may-maybe he genuinely doesn't you know he feels terrible and he's it who knows maybe he's a [ __ ] reformed good guy I don't know but uh but like I you know I I [ __ ] up you [ __ ] up of course but it's like on Twitter it's like did you hear from anybody who you've never heard from in like supportive in other words it was like oh my god like famous yeah I don't know I saw some people that retweeted it that I was like oh wow that's funny like cameraman I can remember who but like when I do know what I posted it on Instagram yeah I posted it on Instagram the screenshot and like people like like Steve the guy with Steve Urkel was like wow man oh yeah yeah like that kind of [ __ ] that's great um yeah so stuff like that people like I don't want no part of you man I don't want any business with this yeah like Dylan McDermott was like nice hey so give us you we were watching this to tell your your assessment of what's going on with this girl I need some dick badly I'm [ __ ] tired a wasting this good ass [ __ ] [ __ ] oh yeah I'm [ __ ] tired of it I'm [ __ ] tired of my [ __ ] just [ __ ] wife spinning so do you feel like would you ever have sympathy sex with someone like would you should throw someone a bone that you're not that attracted to well she's attractive I'm saying I'm relating something that's not necessarily really do this I'm miss saying would you would you ever throw like I don't know I'd never have um you never like yeah you know I'm not she's not but she's you have cuz that's not where my brain was going with this and I was thinking of like this real homely girl one time on a cruise that I was like yeah I knew I knew it was because it personal experience some girl you bone on a cruise some peg completed it 13 years 14 years what am I gonna bring it up talk about all I want to know so it was she real fat was she ugly no she was just like I want to she was just kind of like you know yeah yeah yeah lagging behind I was like kind of what talk to her and because she looks broken and know what everyone else oh I said what happened was the next day when homely was like hey I was like and then and then I I got a direct line to the one I wanted to okay how old are you young yeah this has to be 35 36 I was a twenty-one oh wow yeah very sounds like a real dick thing to do my dad was on the cruise - no he well he kind of knew he was like he was you could tell it was like he he was keeping it you know he wasn't being like gross he was like it's funny like to watch you like you kind of like lay back because he would see me before he would go he'd turn in real early you know but he's like oh I see what you do you kind of like lay back and you kind of like assess like a like a hyena things like then you kind of make your move after you've assessed the room and I'm like yeah I guess Marcus is calm I'm alone I'm alone with my dad we call vulture yeah they know the meat is fresh and yeah I'm gonna wait I wasn't one of these guys who was like because some of the guys especially that age you know what I'd really like yeah yeah I would like wait so okay so I was related yet so I need so I'm never sure I've never done that but I don't think I don't think I would I don't know I don't know yeah so this animal does she I don't know we're trying to I was first we were trying we were like playing him thinking about her as being real then I was like maybe she's doing a bit like cuz she knows she knows yet but then I want to get [ __ ] Neil okay I should be able to get [ __ ] when I want to get [ __ ] just cocaine I work so [ __ ] hard I deserve to be getting my face [ __ ] right now okay big [ __ ] in my throat yeah yeah suffocate me suck and die and go to [ __ ] cabin and [ __ ] who I want to [ __ ] up there - but wouldn't that my whole thing with this is like how are you having a problem getting yeah yeah well because she's doing it for views I mean you don't think it's a legitimate request for dicks in her throat no I mean there's plenty of I would do that I don't it's like if you're gonna be a [ __ ] be a [ __ ] for real you know I mean don't don't joke around about this [ __ ] [ __ ] is real those real [ __ ] get offended when yeah thanks this is the game dude yeah yeah if you you know you can't be all oh you you know go go to Target and say this [ __ ] right [ __ ] my face damn we'll see cuz that's what I'm saying it's not hard for a woman to get that like you can I get you want you want you do you don't just want any guy to [ __ ] your face sounds like she does yeah but if she but she would go do I mean she could go outside there's no like a homeless guy guys out of jail yeah even guys that she isn't feeling you know it's like she wants yeah that is annoying as [ __ ] cuz it's it's like four views and all that and and that that is just I mean talk about the internet that to me this like that's what's wrong it's like that's another thing wrong with it just like just a little taste it or whatever the [ __ ] you've seen it lillte yeah well she's like nine years old she's like I'm nine years old I got more money than you [ __ ] oh yeah yeah yeah really gross were your parents yeah alright they're probably posting it yeah they are I'm sure but like what are you doing what are you doing and then and then and then the the how about now cash me outside girl yeah saw her on dr. Phil and was like oh I want to see her rap she has an album now like 10 million I looked I look yesterday 13.5 the [ __ ] I get like you know you know in ten years are gonna be nobody but like ten years that's that's generous that's generous yeah but I mean like okay well yeah maybe you're right but I mean I hope so but like it's like dude you're the glorifying the idiocy of America I guess but it's like it's so [ __ ] weird man that somebody would look at that cash me outside girl and be like what else you got you're a real talent that's so weird to me I know know it says you're saying you wouldn't f that girl we just saw me on that girl yeah no way that would be [ __ ] in it in no way you could well first of all she's crazy yeah I can tell right there she's crazy yeah you know because we see these videos so much so I'm like I can't tell is that mental illness is a tragedy that would put that on there is a crazy person yeah yeah yeah well I've been dated since the 90s so you know I'm right Friendster was relatively I know that that yeah I don't know this [ __ ] anymore yeah I was trying to Tom was getting on cruises was it a Carnival cruise but it's real bottom of the barrel today and cruises are horrible you know well yeah I went on to I had one good time I was 21 and I went with a girl and it was so fun and then I went on a [ __ ] cruise on a bachelor party and I want to jump off have you ever done the gig on the cruise no have you I won't no no no no I came real close yeah I got a call and I you know I didn't have that much money and and the agent was like no you have to do like this welcome aboard thing and then you'll have to do like to clean sets oh the thing you get to do one dirty set get to yeah and it was like a thousand dollars more than I was used to making right I think I remember this is a seven and I feel like something came up like an international gig where I was like oh I actually can turn this up it was relief it was when I turned it down I was like oh my god Wow I wasn't prepared to turn it down really yeah yeah they were I was this close to getting an offer to do Olivia cruises the the lesbian one oh really this is like it was when we were living rampart division yeah there was talk of it and I was like I don't know I'm not gay am I exactly what I'm talking about the god shouts out I would love to see the person just shooting it just so like okay but by the way those people unless her parents are rich like she's not making that much money no there's no [ __ ] way they're not it doesn't I like what what it's like it's like these girls on Instagram that are like have like 10 million followers that are like were there like by this tea or [ __ ] coffee scrub body [ __ ] it's like there first of all uh their followers are all men so they can't sell [ __ ] to ladies they're not making that much money that what is what brand is paying her like what what what brand is paying her what would what is is Windex paying her no it's it's what brand it's like now and there's no there's also that's like the you know the big thing is like there's obviously no skill set there well yeah yeah yeah well and I get and I get that's if you're 12 who cares you want to watch that [ __ ] but like there this is the the the following of a spectacle you just walked right back to write it that that is just oh my god man you guys have kids it's like imagine yeah no III by obviously but I mean just imagine if you had that kid that was like I wanna go see a girl she's gonna be at the House of Blues that's the thing is that they all have these tours come on we're all going now obviously the next day I'd be like I bought you eight books last night yeah yes so she said you know saying a lot this is apparently somebody who drops everything like that a lot which was not good for us but I mean everyone had their nerves going everything like that and then which we were glad to just keep him to want and everything like that then we went back just talked about what we need to fix and everything like that stick to the game plan get back on it and everything like that so yeah I got a nice long text room this morning saying don't let the atmosphere you know getting there shaking up and everything like that great game I can't wait to play them I know they're doing good only one loss on the season I believe and everything like that here we did it for him here's a bunch of your everything's like that man everything like that and everything like that everything like that everything like that everything like that you think like that you know everything like that Jesus he's probably not doing I guess you know what seeing that makes me feel a lot better for people come out giving me backhanded compliment especially you know with uh with with people with athletes period at any level it's like sometimes we we expect a just a better hero yeah and also just somebody to be as articulate as a broadcaster sure it's just a guy that [ __ ] skates and bangs his head against [ __ ] and then he's like and everything like that and we're like how come you talk cause I I hit stuff and everything like that no oh is that a new thing I think so oh man that's hilarious 2016 man that's something that's so funny yes have been his friends at times that's soft you know what sucks if not famous and then you become famous for at least with like you guys it's like oh yeah but we got a body of work you know might help me from but like oh my god that guy just being a being the [ __ ] or being the guy who like fell down and got [ __ ] on his eyes yeah or like that's your or being I mean this is a more dramatic example but this this lawyer in New York yeah who's uh you know he was like screaming at people for speaking Spanish and like that now it's that's you forever like you're the racist lawyer no matter what he ever does he'll never get away from that white lady who was who called the police on those my people and she deserves it that's even smart people are like well you deserve that you know what I mean like that's their barbecue man that when and then when and then when everybody went and had the barbecue the next day it was the it was so that [ __ ] is just so awesome in that thing but I think reminded me of kids where remember where like when you're a kid you can tattle-tale and then if somebody or somebody goes like this isn't something that's attitude about you get emotional because you kind of know ya did something wrong yeah there's a camera on her someone's filming her when the police arrive and she's like because she knows yes she knows it's she's [ __ ] she's fine I miss that but she but she starts to twist it as the mean like Obama and Michelle kissing and she's in the background yeah [ __ ] the internet is so great though never lose that [ __ ] yeah that and the Royal Wedding we love those memes that came out like people were cutting in coming to America because they had the black preacher and they laid what's-his-name Arsenio Hall yeah as the preachers audio and it logo it kind of matched very own of Randy what sucks is like I try so hard to come up with jokes and be so funny and it's just I just feel like it you'll never be I'll never be as funny some [ __ ] but that's a tower that's a skill - I know I know yeah [ __ ] that's that's so funny it's pretty great so wait where's this Oh check out this this is a lady who definitely has I don't know what the [ __ ] is going on with her but she goes into Taco Bell and it's already funny when's the last time you ain't talking but I know I know the answer okay I was 19 it was a long [ __ ] time ago and it was in Union Square in New York City and what made it the last time I ate Taco Bell I walked I ate it all at the Taco Bell I walked out and I thought I thought I wasn't that that wasn't it wasn't that good yeah and and it doesn't feel that good and I thought I'm never gonna eat Taco Bell ever again yeah and I thought you know how everyone always says they're not gonna do something but then they always end up doing it again yeah this time I'm not gonna do that see and I haven't eaten it in [ __ ] almost 20 years because that resolution to stop eating - well I - had it in was in 2011 I drank three glasses of red wine and Taco Bell was the only thing open I hate when that [ __ ] yeah and I had a Mexican pizza mm-hmm and a bean and cheese burrito great they're great and I won I tried to sleep at 2:30 in the morning and I wanted to vomit all night long and I did the same thing I never get a never again never again O'Neal hamburger I don't know him personally but you know about have you seen the Taco Bell thing no so what Neal does semi-regularly yeah is he will go on Twitter and use the search function - and he'll just type in like Cobell yeah and retweet what people are writing really about Taco Bell and it's all [ __ ] like I threw him out I talked about talked about got me feeling I feel like I've been poisoned I think talk about poison me [ __ ] you talk about just puke Taco Bell [Laughter] it's yeah it's absolutely fantastic yeah he he [ __ ] man is that him by the way yeah that's him Jesus you know what he looked like well he does that um is he the guy that goes hamburger knows that that's hamburger Jones okay yeah that [ __ ] kills me yeah I remember seeing that on Def Jam like the first time I saw that I was on the floor oh yeah yeah yeah and I was like I also had that thing I'm like there's no way he's gonna keep this up yeah yeah yeah and then I came to find out like that's 100% is that that's so funny cuz he doesn't curse so every time really verse he says hamburger yeah I mean yeah so it's like he I'll never be that funny to hamburger yeah I mean it's [ __ ] like that that makes want to quit I'm like alright well I give up then we're talking about earthquake doing a gig where uh and my agent your agent to was like he's like man it was like so devastating the level he was killing it oh he was like you know it was like like the building was good yeah calm I fall down and he goes you'll never kill that hard and and I go oh I know and then I could tell he was like I mean I didn't mean like you won't kill I was like dude I know exactly what yeah and by the way I will never right right right right yeah I've been in rooms where all dude I went to you know Donnell Rawlings right yeah like just I mean planes could be crashing into the Improv and you wouldn't notice that's how hard he's killing yeah right so I remember I they wanted me to do and i i i i i don't it's not my favorite game but i like doing it because i know sometimes the students want want like guys that they like and [ __ ] and i know sometimes they asked for me but like the the the rose bowl shows at the improv you ever do those okay so I guess people don't know at home but like every every year whoever's in the Rose Bowl football team the football teams they'll have two shows one for each team and they're always that like five pm yeah and you know they'll reach out sometimes I guess if a coach was you know the coach will be like these are the comedian's we want or something and so they asked me and you know if I'm in town I'll do it because you know it's cool there's kids or their students you know what I mean like there so I go in and I uh and I'm like who's on the lineup and I don't even really asked this all the time but I was like who was on the line they're like--they O Donnell a few other guys and I was like great I was like she was like this is the lineup she sends it and it's gonna be I just wanna last three was gonna be Theo me and then done out and I was like I was like oh cool I don't want to follow dunno right yeah cuz that guy just murders yeah yeah but I won't if the lineup were to come out and say hey it's gonna be done l and then you I wouldn't have said can I go before Donnell because I part of me is like I want to see if I could do it right you know what I mean sure so so so I get there and I'm arrived and as I arrive I'm walking into the improv and I hear utter destruction on stage okay so I'm like oh this is a great crowd because whoever's on is murdering here from the p.m. yes and and I go up - and by the way Theo's [ __ ] hilarious yeah I follow Theo all the time I know how to do it I don't follow Donnell all the time okay so I've never done it so so I'm on after Theo and I go in and as the destruction is I'm like it's probably Theo on stage right now because I'm showing up almost at my spot time as this is happening the destruction out of the showroom walks Theo he's like oh it's up and I'm like hey what's up I was like oh [ __ ] man they're running behind huh and he's like nah nah Darnell's on and I was like oh [ __ ] so he got here early he's he was like now I was like so you're going on next it's like now I went on and I was like oh so uh there's only one more comic and it's me huh and he was like yeah yeah yeah you can crush though man and I opened the door to the improv I mean every single all men 260 plus pounds because of the football team yeah they're all standing up there standing up going like they're all screaming jumping up and down shirts like this and Donnell is singing he's just like it's like it's like a it's like the joke of a black church whatever it would be right he's a and then you Nana na Nana Nana nanana that's what he's doing and they're [ __ ] people are on shoulders they're [ __ ] losing their minds and I say I go I walk and read a kind of society right dude Rita Rita though you know there she comes up and she's like she literally is like you're gonna do great and I'm like you're only saying that because you know I'm gonna eat my [ __ ] dick I'm gonna nobody can follow this I'm gonna eat my [ __ ] dick I was like just end the show ended yeah yeah but but part of me is like [ __ ] it I'm like I haven't bombed in a while [ __ ] it I'll just go bomb who gives a [ __ ] but then like you don't want these kit you want to like make these kids happy you know sounds like I'll [ __ ] go up and Thea was like oh you know what open up with that thing about how cuz it was happening I just have a bit about how one black people laugh they relocate I know they get up and they move around totally do it and that's what they were literally doing so was like oh I'll [ __ ] open with that thanks Theo by the way I haven't done the joke in seven years there's my first special so I was like I'll just do that I guess it's kind of annoying that I got to do that but [ __ ] and I can and you know I don't feel confident enough but I went up and that that bit ended up doing that bit did really well and then but then it like it like was like I was like thank God I'm only doing 15 minutes because I was like there's no way I could sustain as it was like yeah it was like he murdered he murdered and it was just like petering out very slowly and I was like I had to do crowd work I was doing crowd work and but man I mean like I'm good at that though well thanks I mean I had to do that but dude I mean I I don't think I've there's been maybe two or three times I've seen someone crushed that hard I cannot believe what Donna Rowling does not on Rowling's yeah I've seen no there's no feeling to especially when you're like it's it's so when it's like this is going perfectly for that person like so yeah like every line and like the audience has absolutely losing their minds and I definitely want to go like now yeah yeah well I'm filming this the DeGeneres of comedy oh yeah that's right that's awesome and they added the sixth person and you know how it [ __ ] is Brad [ __ ] Williams and the first thing I tied to Josh I go I am NOT following Brad yeah he crushes like that to where there's nothing nope you can't follow brown ones there's no following that easy there are some guys like that that are just like I mean Joey Diaz he's gonna go last he's gone he has to go but I mean like yeah [ __ ] I man one one time I was walking yeah it's funny dude I walk into the comedy store once enjoy Diaz is just like I know they're [ __ ] [ __ ] and everyone's just like and I'm like and I walk in and I literally walk and I go oh for [ __ ] sake like cuz I'm next you know it's so funny I love that though cuz it's so like I failing is so funny man you know what I mean like that especially when you're gonna be the guy [ __ ] you know it's coming you know it's coming I also feel like after you've done this a while like when when you're like looking back I feel like you you you think of more adjustments oddly enough earlier on for me I totally agree with you doing like now if I'm like if I'm after someone just lighten the place yeah fire I'd be like I'm still just gonna go up there and it's either gonna work yeah where it's not gonna yeah it's and I'm like a follow someone killing a lot of times people will be like I don't know what you're doing like it takes maybe for a few minutes yeah but yeah you've always been like that though is that you've always known exactly who you are and what you're doing you don't adjust for anybody I don't I don't never had don't make any choice and like people who like like my dad who doesn't know [ __ ] about kind of like he's been to shows where he's like how come you don't like making fried and you know that's such a character strength and that's something I wish I would have learned earlier because I I'm the monkey that's like well I'm gonna do it this way how about this way you know I don't do it as much now but oh my god the hardest I ever bummed I followed a black guy we're basically doing a black guy come from but yeah black guys really who it was a guy in Canada and it was a Canadian show all white audience obviously yeah and his name is tricks and Wow and in them and like 10 15 minutes into my set somebody goes bring back the black guy they actually yell that Wow and then I mean it went downhill real it wouldn't really be really bomb like boo-booed me off oh really ask me to leave yeah yeah when it was 2013 it was a week I always remember this detail it was a week to the day that I shot my first special laughter so I was so interesting that like yeah time your career highlight wining a one-hour special one week to the day later booed offstage Oh later it was afternoon Wow that's the neat part about stand-up I know that you can feel great about yourself one minute and then you can feel like a total piece of [ __ ] then oh that's really great like showcase okay then it could be the people shoot you're special with the special like with the material that is your special oh dude that actually makes me feel better because it's like that's intricate it's so cuz you're specialist [ __ ] cuz you're hilarious oh thank you but to be that funny and then to just have it not work it makes me feel better like when it happens to me no I mean like there's nothing like bombing no one you're never better than the room you know what I mean it's like how the other by the way the other person who I've never seen anybody killed this hard in this room I've seen people kill yeah that good sets there at the comedy magic club sure most of the rod man have you ever seen him oh I know that guy who's that oh wait who is that this guy oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah he was on last calm yes yes that's how I know he did us he did a couple sets murder really like the kind of [ __ ] we're talking about we're like he's closing this out right yeah like well now he is all this show over yeah yeah they did it to me when I was starting to headline the Improv does they always put a black eye as my feature act I guess for diversity yeah it's not like guys do not [ __ ] fun to play yeah are so [ __ ] funny yeah so hard yeah they're [ __ ] so funny all right so check out this live even watch this before this lady yes [Music] okay so those lady goes in there there's a camera rolling so she's she's dead wrong she's wrong there's no at this point you go oh my bad yeah let me get a taco or I'm gonna go find Burger King yes is where she takes it anything that's help by the way so for people listening she's wearing like a workout you know like a like a sports bra her belly is exposed right it's got headphones around her neck adidas track pants yeah I mean you're like all right I was coming from the Jews doing her post-workout Taco Bell or Burger King eating but but anyways it's been the lady the person working there has handled it correctly oh definitely we don't have french fries this isn't Burger King so far she's being helpful [Music] [Music] okay also still she's like you're just yeah but she's getting irritated yeah a person but she's also like like I know this lady's trying to say what do you sell that's like French right yeah that is what you said is right okay and the lady the lady behind the counter is like the menu is above my head as it is in all of these types of right and by the way you don't have to read it there's pictures right yeah there's no extra thing that we don't have that's up there so you can read there anything that's like a french fry that you think you can get that okay here's how the turn is going to okay come back to that guy the girl who was asking for fries said this is racism at its finest Wow and then other patrons of this Taco Bell were like they have tacos and burritos yeah that's what they had so you know Wow and now this girl is first of all she's getting emotional about she wants something yeah it's either/or it's really a game of like is it mental illness or drugs yeah I mean which is bad good this guy's good so again the other the patron was like would you go to Burger King in order to laugh yeah he's pretty good yeah which I love it's a very specific fish yes a lot pretty good very light fish something else I'm gonna go mental illness yeah maybe not drugs maybe yeah because he doesn't seem an action illness it makes it less funny and I usually doesn't deter us yeah I mean she's definitely going through something some maybe baby it's she's just went through a bad breakup and she's just yeah you know that's funny her guy and who love French always like and then she's best is that she asks somebody else if they were french fries that she just gave away and that other person was like yeah you're at Taco Bell okay now all right so if you were in the Taco Bell at this point huh what was you be doing you would be doing nothing right just watching you smile but you would stay I think I would have to say so she said something let's say like right now because this turns like unstable emotional behavior turns me off big time where I got I don't want to be but I'm thrilled I'm amused at the people interacting if she says something really [ __ ] up or insulting let's say to the workers yes then I would jump in right right right right yeah no crazy unraveling I step back and I enjoy if it's crazy if I know it's crazy then I want in engage but if I'm like you know but she's probably like same thing [ __ ] you [ __ ] get me fries I'd be like hey yeah yeah yeah yeah there's no fries even on the block like yeah I mean wow she really handled it really well yeah the cashier yeah she really did Wow Wow wait is that viral now people are gonna be going and asking for french fries yes you guys hey guys go ahead and send us your videos asking for french fries now del Taco or Taco Bell I think probably Taco Bell's better del Taco I've probably had in my late in my early 20s but I was have you heard the burger at Del Taco ever it was kind of good but I haven't eaten fast food and I mean I've eaten in and out but besides Eid clean are you pretty I mean dude I honestly here's what it is I eat pretty clean until 11:00 p.m. and then I just I'm Holly Rowe comics I was like I gotta get something to eat all the time are you going to bed usually - yeah - you sleep in usually if yeah if I have nothing to do yeah like even even this I was like even this when you were like 11 o'clock Monday I was like oh good this way I have a reason to get up to get up yeah Wow yeah but you have you know you have a young yeah yeah we've been making fun of scat singing oh yeah you know the scat man right there but a lot of things you need to do to learn to scat right listen no learning it's not a skill especially though it's not even a skill right my son does this he's two-and-a-half he's a pro is so serious about super serious and now there's you know what hamboning is I know that word what is though this guy's a ham boner and he also incorporates I think he incorporates scatting into it too it's just gonna anger me I know it the combination you're good [Laughter] completely useless skills combine the internet people will just fight yeah it's like you can do anything and just have a fanbase absolutely don't know what this is I want you to be don't be don't be able I've seen this guy do this I bet a couple minutes his balls smell better than his beers I've seen this I you know I just you know why I've seen this guy why somebody made a meme about it I forget what it was but it was really funny oh he can go [ __ ] himself because I don't think this is a [ __ ] talent either oh [ __ ] about what this sells more tickets than I do all three of us oh for God's sake oh [ __ ] off I just hit him since they're doing it at what point in his life did was he he's old is this his career was this is like he was the because that makes sense in 1930 right instrument yeah but it's not it makes me so annoyed when they laugh yeah me too oh no it's your drunk grandpa at Christmas it's not a [ __ ] skill but this [ __ ] smile look how impressed he is that guy it's his fault what is like I want to know what that guy sees all the time that that this makes him smile what does he see just war all of the time just people getting hit by cars you know what nothing nothing bro I hope he gets shot at the end of this I think I literally think an hour I could do in an hour I kept going over this I could figure out so come to 80% of this yeah I'll [ __ ] off do they sell CDs afterwards okay guys I have a question for you who is more talentless yeah the person on instagram who's just like the model and then they do meet and greets and they make like like Cameron Dallas for instance right like he's millions of followers and they do these tours where they just meet great right or this [ __ ] [ __ ] like who's more town who's less town I think I I think well just to remind you like what's more infuriating the hambone I'm inclined to be like Cameron's a good question like the internet model like that okay it's beauty is an innate thing you're you're blessed with it let's see it's useless though just like that once you it's a it's a good question it's a tough question who's more talent list yeah like who makes you angry or let's go with the feeling well that's different this guy makes me angry yeah but he said he's handsome he's a model Zoe model well okay no let's put it this way modeling to skeleton Obama modeling is a skill I I think people buy tickets to meet that kid to me him yeah this people people buy tickets to watch him do that I think that [ __ ] this guy well if there's this guy I mean I'm just trying to find the argument here but this guy at least figured out something to do that's it you know the other guy and and trick people is that coming this yeah who's the real [ __ ] I guess yeah I mean I mean three of us went like how we would be crying and had to eat okay okay Tom who's more talented him or the stay in the line stay in the line show what's that you'll see okay yeah it's a good idea but I'll in the meantime you know let's let's go through the logic here see that is the other like Cameron Dallas right that's his name see this guy do this where is he I think he lives outside but I'm going by the forehead lines and not all I feel like he's more talented than that [ __ ] I like this war yeah put it this way if you were watching a movie yeah and over the soundtrack this came on be way more interesting what is this or if you walk into a really like what is this [ __ ] you walked into a room and there's a small stage and this guy was doing this yeah like I know that song [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] but this guy this guy's got charisma the guy's got an angle the other guy feel like is a hood link I feel like he's been brutal with me that's that's a good shift when I see this the old [ __ ] wire you know what the intention is and you know if you're doing it well see because you know the song you know the rhythm so [Laughter] well I bet I guarantee you there's other ham bonus that are like yeah this guy's [ __ ] stuff and they're more mad that we are they're like this is the [ __ ] guy you know that is my thing yeah yeah it's true but I've been doing that a long time and then yeah and he didn't even pop on that one yeah but the amount of this is intricate too there's a lot of moving parts he's got to sing the song he's got to do the lung infection part [Laughter] [Laughter] but that's why it's so amazing he's a medical marvel he's working against he looks like the last guy he's like he's one of those guys that if you saw if you were standing there and you had lose cash in your pocket yeah he's doing this you might be like yeah there's also a just on a behind his face you know you're like you feel for him yeah the other guy is like smug yeah and you're like this [ __ ] guy yeah this guy you want you are like oh I can see behind his face he's like maybe you know maybe he's crazy but like you're like I feel for him like he wants to entertain you and I feel like you're something yes warmth that's what it is yeah this guy wants to put on a good show yeah the lung infection day yeah but the other guy the other but yeah the the [ __ ] sake dude that's funny do you but you saw that lady the the Tim Hortons oh right take a [ __ ] in Tim Hortons oh yeah I saw you I saw from your thing you repost it oh really yeah so crazy and you know in my head the I was like I was talking about opener and he was like what the what the [ __ ] you think happened and I I like I was like oh she's saying I need to use the bathroom they're saying no you can't but you need to buy something and then I just like the only thing we discovered up first of all you're right cuz we looked at oh is it yeah how can happen but the thing that also came out is that the reason they said no to her specifically is because she was a known problematic so like it's like she came in like hey ya know then it's then it yeah she's well it's a crime no matter what but if I didn't know that if it was just me doing it and say I need to use about him know you know I feel I would I my thought would be like I should [ __ ] on their floor and then give him the business and we'll see what's up yeah yeah so I I could understand her but if she was a known person than nah yeah that's crazy she I mean everybody's been we've been talking about this everyone's been sending in their there try it out videos you know what I'm talking about now try so many original so yet so this is your show yeah yeah so this guy has a video that we play Oh try it out yeah oh yes no I know I know about it yeah what is it it's this guy black guys who love to [ __ ] [ __ ] good if you're a hot black guy and you want to [ __ ] me at 2395 if you wanna move in you come move in but you gotta [ __ ] but you gotta funny I need to be [ __ ] a lot ya get ripped free food free wrench and everything else man has a deal man your thug want to come move in a friend come home with you man free rent you get a lease and a cake [ __ ] me piss somebody beat me at home you know you see me when I come over today and try it out try it out man okay my building try it out it looks like a piss let me try it out she had applied only as [ __ ] man I'm look at the hardcore gosh I mean if you want to do it and I want to deliver it I'm a hot while buy trash come down [ __ ] that guy yeah god yes wait where do you find it well now people find a man they find it find it for us it comes to us so yeah it's it's been oh my god it's been so much since since that came in so what was the thing you're trying to people were trying to do it well we want to you we want people to use it as a monologue and kind of be creative with it you know what acting class really bring in a monologue that's kind of yeah yeah yes so people have been just you know doing their versions of it you're a hot black guy you won't [ __ ] me they start sending these in black guys to love the [ __ ] States I'm building my cardio for black guys who wanna [ __ ] you look good you think you can [ __ ] me out of breath this guy did it you can't stylish mom listen house of shots I kind of miss the whole speech in German so and then the week before we had a bunch of women did it you know black guys who like to [ __ ] [ __ ] good for a hot black guy black guys that look nice props wardrobe guys loved a [ __ ] [ __ ] good you're a hot black guy you know really animated yeah a lot of energy getting [ __ ] yet will you do one for us sure you know camera yeah I'll set it I'll send it over if you want to shoot a good dough I'm gonna use like a real camera yeah yeah I would love to see you do it I mean people become real dramatic yeah like a real interpretation yeah yeah sure I get a get a lot get a live studio and I'll do sitcom acting how would you do it okay black guys yeah black guys like the [ __ ] [ __ ] good yeah try it out I like to try it out is really I feel like honestly the guy was just winging it but I think that getting to the try it out part earlier yeah yeah you know I mean cuz I don't know how long that is but if you got it to it like a 35 second banger yeah that would just be moving you're moving your [ __ ] what accent is that what do you think it is that's a good right cuz we're kind of places it's not like moving me it's my titties Coast for sure yeah doesn't try it out try that hot out yeah you wanna know the big mystery what so we we played this audio for a lot of people there's one where he goes it's he goes piss on me beat me piss on me beat me home yeah now that last part home in oh so a lot of people thought he was saying home man out like piss on me beat me homie on out Oh a man out hold on out hold me on out like he's like oh hold me on out or homie homie on it oh hello me on out yeah or something beat me at home ya know and and then there was just like all types of submissions to what he's saying now and then we we we decided that he must be saying he's like rambling through it and he's saying home here now cuz he gave out his address before piss on me beat me I'm like you can do it right now yeah could be home now home here now like I have forensics on yeah we have Reza Khan it is like that yeah knee Laurel did you find out do you know what it was actually was being said I know what it is actually Laurel yeah well it well they say that if you're old enough you can't hear the higher frequency and the higher frequency but he recorded OH reported saying Laurel oh really so he was on an interview he goes we said Laurel but you're right in that it's also divided you were a Yanni right I was a hundred my Annie I was Laurel it was uh he said he's saying Laurel but the pitch either that you naturally here or the pitch that your device is playing so if it's a higher pitch yeah cuz I play somebody played on their own is like wait what that sounds again II yeah but how funny would it be if he was talking and somebody was just like oh yeah yeah knee you know what are you a [ __ ] lunatic yeah like I said Laura that's insane it's insane I'm home here right now moving in there he says comment you in the building yeah he said he's ever first are you in the building if you're in the building 2395 yeah no I'm here right now yeah I'm home and he also cuts his own homeless Orem dog he says men from jail here's my address man from jail yeah yeah and bring a friend which is yeah I make a move on you a sneaky June how weird is like sexual desire and preference like you have no control over it that's the craziest thing it is if you want to get [ __ ] by a bunch of jail people in jail and that's what turns you on oh well yeah that is how the cards fell yeah you like just cut it out of my brain then because that's what I feel I know yeah well dr. drew says it's a lot of trauma yeah I've got a lot of trauma and he's kind of you know dealing yeah but you're right that's that's the hard parts the hard wiring with the trauma that's a good samurai I told my [ __ ] intern to make a sound bird it's the [ __ ] worst thing in the world it's the worst thing in the world oh really you just click it in a habit I click it I'm waiting 20 seconds and I'm talking about something else and that's like okay I [ __ ] by in black all right yeah oh by that time it's over yeah all right let me pull this up Chris did we do how long have we been doing this we've been we're over the two-hour mark Luba that was so fun you need to come back you're such a great yes yeah I can't wait for you guys to ask me I'm never the guys like I'm gonna do podcast you know but I I know I want to do so few podcasts but obviously I wanted to do yours well no we're so happy you came chris is on a big tour right now he's doing a lot of venues go to Chris D'Elia calm click on the tour and you can see he's coming up in we see the Count Basie Theatre in Red Bank Wilmington Delaware Reading Pennsylvania Tulsa looks like he's gonna be close to or OKC Midwest City Dallas they're all at Chris D'Elia calm how's the tour been goin fun it's fun yeah so far it's good I mean I kind of just started but it's been it's been good to do theaters again cuz I stopped I did it like years ago I did a theater tour and then I was like I want to do club we were talking about this yeah I want to do clubs but then I was doing like 40 shows and like a DC improv yeah cool yeah very cool have you done yet no all right so that's it and then of course congratulations is the podcast yeah I have a lot of fun doing that I didn't think I will I didn't know I mean you're one of the few people that could pull off the solo podcast you yeah yeah yeah I was like I'm I when I started I was like oh I don't want to do I don't wanna have to rely on getting guests yeah of course we had no guests for two years oh really that's the reason oh that's queer like let's just do it ah yeah wait and then so why'd you start getting guests just because we had the studio but you can do it by yourself right you still do sometimes yeah yeah yeah that's cool yeah I don't know and then I was like I'm just gonna do it and I was like and I was like do people do it solo and I was like I knew bird did it solo and then I think like Theo started doing it around the same time I did it and we were like oh yeah you do it by yourself too and but it but then I was like because I I was like I don't think I can do an hour talking but then after like two episodes I was like oh I get it what do you do do you go in with like a kind of like just like I mean sometimes nothing with it but but sometimes I'll have like three or four things like you know like this happened I'm gonna talk about yeah like if I if I like yeah exactly like the Taco Bell thing or if I saw her like you know or like the Met Gala I'll talk about that it's basically like a riff thing yeah and I get bits out of it too which is cool that's cool yeah yeah yeah for sure it's Grom and your Instagram is very funny oh thanks great I like that I'd like those highlights to from the pocket oh cool Johnny Thanks yeah so go see Chris live or of course he's at the Comedy Store all the time listen to congratulation come see all of us at the Commodore all this is a song let's see this is therapy breakthrough by pete's sake to take us out and I think it has a bunch of a trying on out they try it out I'm dr. drew being perfect oh I love it great all right thanks guys we'll see you next week bye jeans [Music] [Laughter] [Music] you would all like this is one sick twisted [Music] mr. brenek indeed she's a complete black [Music] tilda hooker and you can cure serial killers both I swear to God screaming is like [Music] it makes me screaming is like [Music] Faison is really using screaming [Music] so I'm becoming totally [Music] I've never considered that no psychological training pick that up everything is psycho played out of my mind that's right crazy you know when you just get like real rage like kill the guys would use a kid twisting rabbit six would you do as a kid twisting around [Music] figure it [ __ ] shrink right now don't go there when you're talking to a sick person oh really piss him off and then he'll let him cut me out and I know that you suspect that my husband is a psycho she's a functioning psycho get the other half verbal tics something's really wrong with me verbal tics something's really wrong with me verbal tics something's really wrong between verbal [Music] three meters [Music] no just looking it makes you know the screaming [Music] sweetie [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Music]

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 1,228,652

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast, congratulations, chris delia, chris d'elia, congratulations podcast, twitter, twitter beef, jake paul, tim hortons, try it out, logan paul, youtubers, lil tay, the comedy store, comedians, stand up comedy, the improv, comedy club, netflix, whitney cummings, undateable, whitney, sitcoms, tv shows, opening, closing, jokes

Id: J9in7rFRA6E

Length: 133min 57sec (8037 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 05 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Zombieking25]

song was amaze.

[u/Dithyrab]

shit was straight cash

[u/Drams89]

They usually upload fan music on their YouTube page but they haven't done it for a few weeks. I've been waiting on them to do a song from a few weeks ago

[u/Lank3033]

That shit was legit. We need a link jeans!

[u/iloveyouDrZaius]

♪ Free food... A lease and a key, all you gotta do is piss and beat on me ♪

[u/EngagingFears]

This one is a good contender for Fan Song of the Year imo if it's a little longer than what they played on the show.

Timestamp from the episode where the song starts: https://youtu.be/J9in7rFRA6E?t=34m38s

The artist is Kalei to help people find it if they uploaded it elsewhere.

[u/MetalHivemind]

Been looking for it as well!