Your Mom's House Podcast - Ep. 401 w/ Ari Shaffir

well welcome welcome to your palms house [Music] [Music] you should see me when we drive by a bike store you should see me when we drive by of ice [Music] there you go that's cool it was called stranger bikes and it's by C Nick and Steven snick and Steven it says I like that there you go you know I love it like that stranger bikes playing off the stranger things theme I can't wait for that show to come back it's coming back to when I guess there's a big uproar right now people are upset that they didn't renew since eight I couldn't get into that I tried and I couldn't did you try I don't I saw the pilot that's the only thing I saw I couldn't yeah well they did actually we had people all over the world right today just passed super powers like one guy can come a lot and then the other ladies I missed that episode entirely you didn't know that nope are they all going to come strike no I think you're confusing that with something else one of them can talk to Hitler no no no I don't think so I don't think that can happen we tried watching last Rock yes did you do your exercise this weekend while I was away yeah did work done how many did you get through I got 250 but that's getting that's progress your first if you drove you to get 300 spoken yeah and then I possibly have an orgasm just not ejaculate but have the orgasm happened on the inside how do you I hear that happens when you when you get sniped rah rah rah that you in the beginning I'll thank you but gawk anything and you get sniped when you get a vasectomy oh that you might not I don't think you make of a gawk at the beginning and then you make something no dr. drew was saying that he doesn't have any juice that comes out because he had a I wouldn't know he had Yetta as test if your cancer sorry nervous like to me oh yeah yeah because vasectomy you still see him but not the potent load yeah yeah no sperm there's no power minutes part of firms firms lay shrimps yeah firms yes people do miss pluralize that sperms shrimps a lot I hate that especially if they just had an expresso uh I gave that and I just came from the library the expresso one makes me the most upset because I hear servers and baristas yes I know anyone extra shot of espresso in that yeah how do you work here you should know and you've read it on the menu Overlord yeah stupid suck sperms man sperms so it was oh so we tried watching yesterday after porn ends to hoping to find yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh hoping to find some gems in there like we did with the other porno documentary yeah where she was like she did that hooker map segment remember it was the best to a DA he'll remember the math go ahead and math what I did Matt the Matt a hooker math was you get like I don't know five hundred dollars to shoot a scene right she's going over it she's yes but they offer you to let a guy come inside of you yeah an internal surprise an extra hundred dollars Ryan goes so get an extra hundred bucks he comes inside then you know a the morning-after pill the plan B is only forty dollars only 40 hours so that sixty bucks are going to keep in my pocket if the win-win is which all I gotta do is let this dude I don't know coming me on camera so that's needed to mortalized forever what's wrong with that what'd you get 60 bucks huh like I was telling you a bit if if she had been like and then for like a guy to finish inside you know I get another four hundred dollars really well you know that that makes sense you're like okay that makes sense 400 ollars will be worth a guy anyone that you just talking like what scumbags the like that industry is run by they don't even go like here's 140 so the four you get to plan because family get make $100 they're like you figure it out you're doing whatever whatever you got it on you maybe you want the kid who knows yeah don't you yeah so we were looking for some gems but apparently these porn stars they followed are too smart and they figured out how they were going I think we got to keep think we should finish it because if you notice they would go cue uplifting for me well they would go they would go different types of stories like up and down right so like they would do one person who was like it was bias back then and now I'm have you know I'm retired and and marry yeah dogs and then so like that's a kind of a sweeter story then you go to the guys like I have AIDS talk [ __ ] and then they go to the lady who was like I had a lot of fun doing it and you know it's crazy blah blah blah so I think we should I think if we keep watching we're going to get somewhere yeah you know maybe fun if it definitely wasn't hooker hilarious yeah give me those hard knocks stories I know his was like and his HIV story Jesus well to his credit he looks great like he really seems to maintain his body well and and he's working out a lot and he seems happy oh my god god that dude is like so extra yoked but I think you got to be juicing right to be on that body yes especially with an autoimmune disease definitely my dad was telling me about that about some of these bodies you see on people so like if you don't know top dog who's obviously been on the show a million times he was a competitive Olympic lifter for years I mean from the time he was 13 till about 29 or 30 and he was working out six days a week most of his workouts were like three hours plus like these guys were maniacs and he goes you know I was in great shape I was a two-time state champion I was ranked nationally because I didn't have a like the body that you see some of these guys have right oh wow that was somebody who's lifting eight every day and eating steak every day steak potatoes and every day this was before supplement creatine or vitamins no roids he's just like a workout I ate a steak data and that was was it but it's interesting because you see these days you see crazy bodies so especially in men like super sculpted you know statuesque bodies and but it's also the era of like people taking growth hormone and and and test out you know like sure access yeah access all writing stuff because with him like I've seen pictures of him and he's in his like super competitive lifting days and looks like a super fit guy they you don't see like muscles kind of falling don't really define in the veins and all that you and your dad are built like brick [ __ ] is I think not a [ __ ] brick house I was getting but you do say that a lot they but you guys are built for that you're very sturdy and Ellis has that back to you guys have brought those shoulders on the back for it we have the same blueprint my dad yeah in the direction of working hard at it yeah right but your genetic I mean you lived wage we've got with you know gym whatever I could I could pursue it more heat but like we we were talking about his work out some time and I was like [ __ ] that dude I mean yeah he was competitive not different I mean I wouldn't I don't have the desire you and I both have that lazy gene counteracts any sort of wanting I forced myself to swim and do Pilates that I hate it yelling rube this is the thing that they would lift as like a team yeah and he goes like if you left early or skipped any day the other guys would ride you so hard about it that you were like [ __ ] that like they would only go on dates after you know I mean so if it was like hey I'll pick you up on Friday and you go like seven I like Nam 9:30 after I'm done yeah when I'm done there's a plan Wow so they were so so that's cool though good cat in mind right now like in 30 sets you know folks claw like not to but if but your dad is the type of personality who really likes structure and Jesslyn and focus and like having that you know when I found an unrelated to this really interesting watching that documentary was she was an old lady now but she did like the devil and mrs. Jones or whatever that porno is the old ass one yeah by the way she'll uh [ __ ] way old huh good y'all too old huh she liked the rub rub guy yeah Letta so butt out they showed a picture of her and nude and I was startled by it because you're like oh yeah that's what human bodies looked like yeah prior a nice normal body no and I was beautiful like a but I forget what normal bodies look like in print yeah human bodies with natural breasts that just set that laid normal and they weren't enormous quadruple d [ __ ] my triple d [ __ ] wife tits I know I'm platinum blonde Wow yes please please please please looks like it's drawn on like she's in dead flesh is in shock and the eyebrows wonder what it is B pop like how did that I like looking at different looking women obviously you sure like a variety mate riot yeah and it's exciting to see you know but like hungry Ted why did it gets why it went to like as like that's hot because I don't feel like that is I don't know which committee decided that all porn chicks have to look identical because I mean like there are men who like hungry or tits and big shots and different shaped faces are interesting houses different you know all that [ __ ] is interesting you know what I think it is burnt hair I think the beginning was Pam Anderson honestly I think sometime around her era people went oh the gold standard is blonde is [ __ ] huge tits tiny tiny waist and Barbie it's essentially Barbie even actually know the porn stars body is bigger tits than what Barbie had Barbie was like a see sure these [ __ ] are quadruple T G eat it's super comfortable to [ __ ] do you know like we haven't even started what a girl look how many interesting topics we've already gotten we were to get out more fun maybe a hot ticket yeah do it let's do the show let's go let's go let's go hey get your [ __ ] camera out of here that's none of your [ __ ] business you talk bite unless you want trespass you get the [ __ ] out of here now get out of here now don't [ __ ] with me partner you know the tea our staff is you don't [ __ ] worry about who I'm with yes who is Randy don't bring anyone love into this no man welcome welcome your mom's house [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [ __ ] bite hey [ __ ] bite you're not part of ta staff are ya mm-hmm no he's not PR staff PR RT public creations you know part of the transsexual Oh adjustment staff are you transgendered which turn pronoun bro no no sorry fended are you what yeah you just assumed my pronouns sure I did really assume it when are we going to see non-binary porn I can't wait to see all that stuff the only that's kind of course assuming of course it's going to watch you pronoun I was on Instagram you know I love Instagram Instagram is my favorite song isn't it the best it is I like photos I like you know looking at a photo and deciding like that's enough information for me it's enough I like a nice caption a photo I'm done I like it because you really get insight into people's mental illness it's not you know one thing I saw the cursory that I realized is it's [ __ ] super weird to me hmm not weird it's just I go hmm hmm well I love cars you know I mean I've always been in love with cars since I was little boy I like playing with toy cars or like car magazines I just love cars yeah but you'll find somebody that has you know a photo like I say I found others guys in front of his car oh my god beautiful car go to his page and his page is nothing but him and his cars and you're like it's it's just like it's too much yeah and it's also like this guy defines himself entirely by what he has that's interesting there's that that's so that's how the guys do it yeah now the girls do the body the girls do the well what's interesting about the body thing is that they take half-naked pictures what oh my god what I got to show you I just got this text what the bottom read the bottom ah oh my god tonight oh my god what do I do uh I don't know love to figure this out should we press pause I think so all right I've got some exciting show businesses for Tom which we can't reveal yeah well I mean yeah I didn't mean to be so dramatic obviously you all uh you are basically it's I mean I can say this it's just like I had an audition yeah and they they want to see me again so it's next level so that's awesome and it's very exciting and will everybody everybody cross your sphincters for Tommy cross cross your B holes it's all good big excitement good good week for this grouse lot going on yeah what were we talking about before the surprise um budge Oh scamper snapples what were we talking about we're talking about well we're talking about the porno thing before the break bodies bodies and then I played this [ __ ] guy so do you want to know what that setup was for that yeah why that guy was flipping out yeah so apparently there was this uh this is okay I'll tell you what that the thing said here is that the guy there was an incident occurred at the International Longshore warehouse Union in Longview Washington and reporters were there to ask about a hostage situation that happened weeks prior so six guards were held hostage for a couple hours after 500 or more longshoremen broke down gates and smashed windows in the guard shack and this longshoreman is in no mood to answer these questions so in other words this is something that's been like in the news and this news reporter is just like hey I want to ask again you know or ask more about the incident that happened I think calls macaque bite which is really funny I've never heard that one alright is amazing talk bites that's great well I loved it you had that isolated already you knew that was a winner Yeah right yeah so a shark bite this is how the whole thing unfolds this is the guy showing up the news guy going like like oh hi I'm with the kohai of you and just wanted to know if there was anyone here want to talk to us about the situation from Black Sea aha tell you how they're [ __ ] the longshoremen around here oh that's the gentleman who gets more upset ant-man I guess you see that the cameraman one of them starts filming something that's printed out hey here's your [ __ ] camera out of here that's none of your [ __ ] business you talk bite less you a trespass you get the [ __ ] out of here now get it all so don't [ __ ] with me partner you know the PR staff are you like it I maintain a sense of humor yeah our stuff are you oh yeah I also think it's funny that the guy goes unless you want trespassing like not if you want to be charged with trespassing hmm like unless you want robbery right he just he he missed some conjugated no well yeah under stress all right so that's understandable I think he keeps saying it you want trespassing but you want something to drink listen trespassing with you [ __ ] out here that's none of your [ __ ] business your [ __ ] let's go i trapped a fee did I hear right you might be drunk we want your [ __ ] camera broke you [ __ ] I just wanted to hear yours I said by now or you're going to get trespassing you know you're gonna get trespassing you're gonna get charged with treasure our each other right or you you know I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna say you're trespassing or you again you are trust back you're gonna get trespassing is it you're gonna get it you're gonna get are going to give it to them the trespassing you're going to give you a shot at trespass look at the shrimps yeah the shrimps and the expressos all the shrimps the sperms and the expresses are going to get you guys messing and the liberry liberry you guys have a library here doing a paper off rip and we're leaving [ __ ] you art the [ __ ] sit there you know what you dumb [ __ ] you like your [ __ ] glasses don't [ __ ] threaten me you son of a [ __ ] you worried my friend get the [ __ ] out of this Park you're not right baby we'd like to go I mean later fellas get out of here now give it why is this guy [ __ ] with him I like the UH he has a great disposition though the camera yeah at least he's like I was doing this man yeah he's done this a 500 times yeah he's seen people lose their mom I don't you feel like I don't you don't get to hear people yell like this anymore you know you don't really get to see it [ __ ] bites and stuff I feel like I haven't seen people freak out like this in - yeah I miss it we just told these all the time you're right yes exciting to me yeah me too cuz I like seeing people get upset like that yeah yeah especially funny you know this guy's he's upset because there is a buildup of lasting this that you don't get to see in other words you when someone loses their mind it's not over something reasonable right it's because something builds up over time this guy's been asked these questions for six weeks it's the original trigger yes he's mad I you know I have this guy he's mad at the second yeah the first first hundred reporters okay yeah this is pretty much it so clean this is the exit edges I'm not going to touch that [ __ ] I [ __ ] coldcock him in a heartbeat goodbye get out of [ __ ] parking lot [ __ ] you you [ __ ] that's my name [ __ ] you - [ __ ] yeah yeah I did get him down that's his name [ __ ] you that's [ __ ] [ __ ] that's my name I miss the [ __ ] yeah we got to get more angry close again I forgot how fun these are and if we could go around the room and everybody just state your name you [ __ ] alright hi [ __ ] you you [ __ ] talk vice cardfight and I miss the racist ones remember and he's like you [ __ ] speck sorry huh screaming over the fence that was a good one I was great I wonder if it shocked my [ __ ] that was good we've been a while that guy was uh our kiss my [ __ ] yeah not suck my [ __ ] though [ __ ] it mother he's longshoremen I wouldn't [ __ ] with these guys well you know are you guys do real work yeah and a real real [ __ ] man well our old landlord one of our past landlords was a longshoreman and he was not he was a very gentle sweet guy but he would tell stories of is a co-worker's being gnarly dudes oh my real gnarly real gnarly where I worser [ __ ] just got white wash my I was at the aeropuerto yesterday bright and early and I was listening to people talk on their phones and the rage inside of me is kind of like that like the [ __ ] bite rage where you're like what are you doing [ __ ] you know especially in this era people feel okay about watching videos on their phone at full volume in public like who and nobody's correcting this behavior but the phone conversations insidious because you're on the receiving end of one side of a conversation yeah and I think when it's way worse er is when it's in a foreign language and now I don't even understand what the [ __ ] you're saying and your language sounds horrible to me and is it I think the worst language I don't know what he was I have been Vietnamese only because they don't have volume control I know it's so loud it's so I thought why do you know that you're in public yeah why are you [ __ ] it's it's and yelling in your language it's listen we spoke Hungarian growing up in my house but you know uh yeah well this has speakerphone feedback what we didn't do in public you speak Hungarian because it's rude and it excludes people yeah you know what I mean you speak [ __ ] English we would probably yeah you know the the speaking in another language in public because you really have a secret that you're excluding yeah yes it's disrespectful to you know I see this [ __ ] makes me oh no you got your life okay your life in front of them do I cop it right here right now stop it yeah go on at the airport yeah stop it yeah mmm-hmm yeah I know and you're like do you like know what this whole [ __ ] no and it's never about you know it's not it's not about who won the Nobel Prize or you know quantum theory it's always like we're gonna meet you down at the baggage claim all right okay well Susan gonna bring the cake yeah she's going to bring the cake like what are you doing it's total like it is that some people have total disregard for the world around them yeah for other people Livius I don't even know if the but I think some of it is conscious I think it is conscious like they say what they want you to hear what they're talking about sometimes you feel like it's uh something you know it's like I important yeah you're standing there and you're like huh yep interesting none of us are sitting here minding our own business that's the thing that stands out is that everyone literally everyone else in those situations is considerate of everyone else that's why that person stands out you're the only one the only one doing doesn't care dickbag so now I what's your least favorite language though let's get into that I'm going to go with I don't like Russian I have a bias so we all have biases right I don't like Russian because culturally that's my tribe ish they're my cousins yeah so that hard sounding Eastern Bloc [ __ ] like I my shoulders go up around there never by the way no connection doesn't sound good to me I don't address it [ __ ] yeah Bosnia only a cure to be really good oh yeah I like hearing I stopped I had to pick like I don't mind hearing the Romance languages it just sounds so pretty yeah I mean Portuguese oh come on let me go those are all like when do you get to hear Portuguese and pycelle them get you doing that but I'm saying like it's not but when you hear I'm headed I'm Alan two minute hammers cocking you have me Holland cover that's the one no and any language is ah that uh anyway Israeli they do that in Farsi all right go back to your [ __ ] country not that not it's not it's irregardless its regardless I'm saying yeah I don't give a sh I'm not talking specific cultures don't care that's a sounder language awful language yes what's father's Nigerian doesn't sound beautiful I'm not at all 10 then Arling no no nice that's not nice you're terrible yeah but uh but I need it yes anything I'll throw in yeah that somebody partly naturally speaking English like that is that's it why works is awful awful yeah yeah yeah we're gonna get at the market there's no onions and then you're like Jesus dude it's worse that you can understand it cuz you're like your conversation is so dumb so dumb yeah so boring people just repeat the same things to each other over and over and some it is there's a split there are people that are oblivious because you can look at someone [ __ ] are you doing here like what I don't know and then there's people that it's a what it is it's it's a an attempt to show power yeah because what you're saying is like yes a moment where I can I'm going to talk loudly yes in this I'm dominating the space with my voice you [ __ ] have to hear what I'm talking about yeah one time you and I were in a hotel we're coming out of a nice restaurant and there was a guy on his speakerphone I'm a fear memory but we were getting a valet we're waiting for the valet and full full volume like hey could I put that blah blah blah like something like ivory coast's something and so I mean actually I'll enjoyed him because I like that accent yeah but it's just you so loud yeah it's sowed it's just soda but when you're tired and you're in the airport you're like I don't want to want to hear your [ __ ] I don't want to hear you bro I agree a lot of uh basically I don't want to hear your conversation yeah area'd or your video or the music the worst one time I was third out of their mind sitting next to a girl watching Korean soap operas here's how easy Christ loud some people are I'm on a plane a week ago and a kid has his iPad or whatever or some toy beautiful people and I'm like hey I look over and then his parent was like I don't forget that one like was helping them yeah you're like oh I can tell your kid to turn that down or just give him headphones so ten thoughts the rest of us don't have to hear ppppp you it's obnoxious you are obnoxious one time I was on a plane and a guy was watching his movie but he had his earbuds in but the volume was pumping out full full volume and it was a late night flight and I'm I balling him eyeballing and finally I go excuse me get could you listen to that on your earphones and he goes oh I thought I was I'm so sorry and then he plugged it in that was a one time I did actually see a person last week do the same thing right I didn't correctly what happened was a couple of sitting next to each other and our war started oh and you can hear it in the cabin like dun dun dun time and I see them going with the headphones they're like and then and then I'll send the guy yeah we're not plugged in huh he said he meant you know plugged in but that was that's funny different right like he's trying to trying to be a civilized human people are [ __ ] psychos though it really is to the advent of the cellular phone yeah it's the iPhone etiquette we really haven't we haven't figured out yet what proper etiquette is for the phone yeah I think that'll be hopefully in the next few years people go alright at dinner it shouldn't be on the [ __ ] table yeah there should be an iPhone etiquette school or just societal norms that we should all adhere to you from now on agreed are you reading anything now by the way Hellboy I'm going to answer that that's a setup but why is it or no sure of course it is no it isn't I'm reading a book right now read notice what is it read notice there's a lot of pictures in there oh yeah thank you just reading it interesting uh-huh what's that about it's about this guy who his his grandfather started the Communist Party a law and then he went on it's a Russian basically real-life thriller so it's my enemy basically mm-hmm yeah but I feel about the Russians so I'm in the part right now where he's basically introducing how he came to work he's a businessman but in Eastern Europe oh very cool so I didn't know you were interested in that you should talk to my dad about that he loves communist stuff yeah so but you're not reading anything right now of course I read stuff all the time but what are you reading right now ah it's called the something of the gifted child the called the something of the gifted child yeah I read a child psychology book so I don't [ __ ] up our kid the drama of the gifted child this lady has a review of that right here okay here we go reading it oh [ __ ] she's not even talking yet oh that's my mistake okay here we go you have footage of me reading yeah you know I read Kindles I don't read them pretty good review right um is that what the doing out of the gifted child that's the same thing do we get fart misters calm I think we did laughing yeah I think we need to start doing some with it I'm surprised nobody had fart mistress I know I'm really do you really quit although it just goes to show that the women doing the far videos aren't that creative and that I can really put a dent in that industry why don't you really sell that to somebody you know fart mistress I mean to a real fart mistress I would love to hey anyone out there want fart mistress this one owns it I'll sell it to you for a reasonable price I mean wrong poof Wow that's her fart so they're really good one really crazy that's almost a stripper that's how my mother spoke English when she first got to the country yeah yeah like we call a fan of monster I remember that Oh monster yeah she's a monster because you didn't know how to take man big monsters make noise this lady said that her ass is like a monster is pretty neat kind of accurate now didn't you have quite a brown day I'm so glad you brought that up you may want to hit the all aboard Brown taco I would get in ok alright I didn't know that was coming hold on Nix Doc Brown doc he went along so I went to man Francisco this weekend thank you everybody that came out to my shows they were super fun it was really great I had a lot of fun but a lot of mommies and so anyways on Saturday I go have Thai food by my hotel on the Embarcadero there and I don't eat [ __ ] honky food you know I'm saying when I want flavor I get some goddamn flavor especially San Francisco I mean you have so many great choices in San Francisco to had to like eat real offense yeah I'd love the food there so I go to this Thai place i order my pan and curry and I was like you make that [ __ ] spicy and don't make it [ __ ] white girl spicy like I want legit heat on that [ __ ] well I actually have a bit in my act right now about that seriously yes seriously yeah yeah I'll tell you about is it because I ordered that way at Korean barbecue so much no no I demand that they give me spicy so not a bit about okay any whoodles I order it and I ask for spicy and they bring it out and I'm like oh [ __ ] like they really it was too much but I couldn't send it back because I demanded it you know what I mean so I had to eat the dish anyways and push through was it was hot as [ __ ] dude like they they didn't hold back on me at all so I have to do this like I can't have to save face so I eat it I forget about it I'm fine and then Showtime rolls around and the farts begin and I had forgotten what I'd eaten earlier I was like why these farts here you know when you do that where you kind of her like I'm farting but I'm not sure why and then it occurred to me I had that Thai food and it was like mystery solved so I sit down to make brown and I'm having so many pain it's so much pain because the farts are really violent like hard farts and I [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] and it's show time now I'm getting I'm getting text messages from the club like hey they show that 7:30 you know that remark yeah and I'm in my show outfit like tights dress and I'm like I'm [ __ ] and it's bad and it's like a multi wiper and I don't have time to go [ __ ] the shower because it's show time like I pay our key I just have to keep rub rub rub wipe swipe swipe swipe Neverending wipe there's I've leaky but there's so much toilet paper in the bowl there's so much Brown in the bowl it was so painful and then so I flush and I'm like Cole went down and then the water rises you do good and it starts to spill a little little little and then miraculously it slowly goes back down so it goes under when you told me that things she was turds on the ground Loretta and reminded me yes Jacksonville that's right that's where tours about the comedy zone and that's where I had turds on the ground and I had to tell the hotel staff that there were turds on yeah [Music] yeah around and everywhere what a classic dance yeah like my jam on the ground yeah yeah I got Tipler made that it was really good so I got really close to turds on the ground but no turrets on the ground at San Francisco but it was close dude tariff was bad and I like I said it was just like a leaky but situation all night I kept wiping it was terrible yeah do you get that - I forget what where you doing never-ending wipe we're like you just keep wiping all the whole thing that's so upsetting you know that brings up this actually came in you brought this up right now isn't bed look this email came in swear to God how do blind people know to stop waving hey Hitler's I've been a big fan of show since mommy Tina was in fart NICs a few months ago I've been binge listening 40 plus hours a week or he pries something every second of it I'm not all the way through but I've always wanted to know one thing I believe you're the people help me find out how do blind people know when develop wipe they don't how have we gone this long without knowing this age-old question thank you for everything you do look forward to the next time you are in fart Nicks oh you got see this is funniest thing we've never discussed I feel like we may have discussed it feels familiar I really do think we discuss if I think it's a long time how how do you pay now they I asked one time they wipe a bunch yeah and then they do a bare hand wipe and they smell wait I know what they have a dog do it again saying eye dog hell no no it's a reasonable question I think even dog sniffs your be hones is brown I think you know I think you just get a sense of it just like a seal because you're so cool you're so tied to your vision helping your senses eventually like I think what happens it becomes intuitive and they just go I'm done now that's a good theory well if you're blind I guess have someone write in for us for you or you could write in how do they do it they don't think it you don't write either they don't type in the email sure they do and they have Braille keyboard time oh yeah okay so use your Braille keyboard yeah and like let us know let us know how you white guy like mysteries and tell us about the learning curve tell us about bad you know times you guessed wrong don't just be like yeah of course I know how to do it tell us to give us a little insight yeah we're dumb know these things see this is so this is so important the work we're doing on your mom's house like don't know when I asked if [ __ ] people knew they're [ __ ] and now we're going to find out if blind people know how they're done wiping it's pretty really we're really helping Society we are helping a lot we haven't yet mentioned that pretty soon we're going to be joined by a guest today mr. Aristotle Schaffer is coming in is it really short for Aristotle no not his name definitely not no no Marisol wasn't Jewish no no Greek yeah it's a Greek name I know that I feel like I have more thoughts on this blind wiping situation though yeah okay we get any more opinions are you saying you can't stop thinking about it I feel like that's a wild okay oh here's what I was going to say because sometimes Browns are misleading like the other week I had what I thought would be a disastrous cleanup you know like it was hot and I was like oh this is going to be a nightmare and I went to wipin the paper was totally clean yeah so it's like it's not it's just not I assure a science you know yeah who are you texting arey what's he doing just letting him know to be on time I don't know I hate when people are late me too oh my god I just okay you know what I thought was funny and man friend disco the women were talking about because when I lived there in the 90s it was hard to find a boyfriend because all the dudes are gay now another not now they're not all gay now they're all nerds yeah I hear because of the tech industry moving up there that there's a lot more straight guys but that they're all socially not adept yeah oh they're all dorks big old dorks yeah the whole tech industry has moved into that area it completely changes also priced out basically the whole city oh yeah it's terrible it must be it was hard when I was living there now it's got to be why would I ever want to move to another city though yeah the thing yeah but then I go not LA like I just remember it's not LA right and then I go back here don't you ever want to live in a city city again though or no not with a kid I think it's just you're rid of them here's a part about SF is that just getting groceries you don't have a car there because it's so hard to have a car there's no parking you still want to live on the ocean though right ocean least you want to go Beach 100% you love Moran key I would live in Marin Marin County yeah across the the Golden Gate Bridge there that are here in LA County you live anywhere Beach beach side anywhere Mountain maribou yeah palisade Palisades I nodded Vanek at Santa Monica Montes Santino Redondo Venus Manhattan's for Denali man hands with - bro e sometimes for me it bros down her most is actually the mo bro that's too brilliant for life yeah give me the [ __ ] thing bro yeah but now I like more seclusion I don't like as many people at Alice Verdes yeah I love tells her to go far though right now where it is you know yeah on Oxnard's too far north I know the most desirable places are the ones here and they're so expensive I know Kai tell you where I want us to retire though we're Maui Maui we're all like the the nut bet like the Wayne Dyer's the Doreen Virtue is all these nut bags that I like yeah like where all the meditation retreats are with romnod America intimately I've never been there either but I feel like you and I would really enjoy it bro down I think you know I would really dig Hawaii is like a retirement I want not only went to lanai yeah that was crazy fun look yeah it was but I wouldn't live there because there's only like 3,000 people on that I know I don't want to live on an IE too small but now we thought that we've got it going on it's pretty except I can eat snack adamian nuts every day because they're there that's that's where they come from roll out of the ground they're there you just walk around and there's macadamia nut and every apples people just go join a glass of pineapple and they just give you a pineapple that's right guy you're so smart you're so smart can we talk about our dad day yeah and my Smurf day is okay yesterday you Sir Paul McCartney yep my niece Grayson yep some other kid was it Bella Rossellini all had birthdays yeah yeah Sir Paul McCartney that's what he likes me to call him and Sir Paul and I spent the morning stuck on a plane I woke up I slept for three hours is fun and but you got me this gorgeous ring yeah it's really outstanding going to wear it on my special job right you did a wonderful job you don't know when you buy jewelry for someone you like did I do well I don't know until they actually you can tell by the reaction you were like what you know why because I'm so Eastern Bloc that I immediately think how much did you pay for this I don't deserve this I don't want to wear something expensive well I gave a better of cars where Ellis is college yeah well we spend it wisely yes well I get I you know anything to go to Yale for four years or do you want a ring that's what I decided on I know I just get weird about jewel jewelry it's a nice ring jewelry that's how you say it not jewellery you know true jewelry was free I want in a contest you did I'd you get this the shootin hoops oh geez soon well then so you got me the super nice ring and you got me some PJ's I did good lad you're always like talking about PJs and you put your PJs on it oMG ever I'm not really a PJ guy no I like boxers and I've tried buying you them every year is one of those things do you ever have things where you go you imagine you want to be that thing yeah then you know I mean like yeah I'm the same way with robes basically yeah I see someone in a robe I'm like I want that room yeah and then I get a robe and I use it twice I know I lose it I forget where it is my house with PJs I see someone in it and like in a catalog wearing their pigeon like I looks so comfortable I like sleeping in boxers I feel about high heels like I'll buy a pair I wear them once oh yeah right the exception for the PJs thing is sometimes they make like sleep shorts or the real loose baggy the dick short shorts yeah yeah I like those too sleeping yeah I don't like an actual pajama ensemble you know I don't wear it well that's a little corny for guys some guys are into it yeah all those guys are I'm not buying you a word for those yes they're definitely challenging the intersectional narratives if you know what I mean I read about two thing I read that on hipster countries it's just like the gays somebody this orange is the new black actress is non-binary and somebody real number yeah she really is out and she's good really hey um hi how are you what's your name what did you pronoun you're gonna die you're gonna die look can I read you what she wrote today [ __ ] her name is a age' Kate Dylan she's one of the white girl white supremacist character tell me your name again Asia ASI asi Kate Dylan okay and she plays one of the like I said one of the white supremacist girls on orange is the new black so she wrote I think people received my message of being non-binary and feeling really pretty and she's a great actress I received my message of being non-binary and viewing gender identity as a spectrum better because I'm white was assigned female at birth and on a super popular television show aja answers honestly my friends who were assigned male at Birth people of color particularly those who identifies them have an incredibly hard time they are ostracized and there are very few safe spaces for them I'm grateful for my visibility and the conversations that are happening and I just I like the comment so someone Thank You Asia for complicating the narrative and keeping it intersectional I don't know that my sesame knew that I love it oh wait okay so she's on this new show she's the new non-binary are billions on billions yeah she's on she were calling her a she and we don't know if that's her preferred pronoun but you said her again to [ __ ] but this person is on both shows yes on billions and oh yeah she's killing it they are darling sorry they're killing it this other person writes there's also living in a country where the language doesn't gender neutral pronouns so you have to invent them and that makes it harder for people to understand alright so what else you got another thing John anything happening I don't know why I makes me laugh so hard I know God love them the God help these people remember that kid he's just crying Oh poopie kisses memory you wanted me to bring back poopie kisses yeah I made a note of it cuz we good yeah you said to me the other day why we got to bring back poopie kiss that's a nice way to spin so you're farting yeah you're farting mmm poopie gives the poopie kiss for your face I feel like I need to call airy colors I don't know let me see because he doesn't understand well he doesn't like text like a normal person he has like a flip phone yeah he's so weird yeah super annoying huh yes I was joking with me he's a little liner oh he's here let's stop for a second let's go get him let's challenge for alright yeah we had to we had to but we mentioned it earlier but it's official it's now a thing it's here [Music] our guest has arrived you Jew [ __ ] you Aristotle Schaffer so welcome ariari is that he's Mike you're not Mike that on sorry sorry hold on hold on hold on hold on give me a second give me a second um wait a minute no no how about now yeah work oh yeah I was just kidding yourself that's beautiful thank you no we got it work though is Ari uh Hebrew for like can I get a discount what does that actually mean what is it exactly I hope a blogger is reading this just go to town Oh I will no blogger ever defend the Jews now what is Airy short for it I'm sorry it is for our yeah our Arielle a yahoo aria it means Aria means a lion in Hebrew boy a lion yeah Wow my hair way more resemblance yeah unless your men have crazy hair yeah we're good right it was great great hair I remember that see people now that bushy [ __ ] you know ya ball and my god damn yeah what's your middle name David in English and in Hebrew sorry yeah oh yeah who are there but nothing who are you David if you ask any Jew if their name is not David if you were like what's your middle name just guess David yeah and by the waves are this always makes me crazy when people are as guests on podcast including when I've been guests on podcast yeah and it's like hey I have something and then we don't address it forever it offsetting at least once right out of the gate let's mention that on July 9 18 18 18 Ari Shaffir has a murmur Netflix special hmm set it called I'll take those two pennies and it's coming out it's double actually what else that would be a good name for the special I'll take those two pennies this is a double session I would actually work I didn't figure it is a double special about it does it work like the way Chappelle's does where it's like a collection and my one place yeah but repels are like I don't know why they did it like that they're unrelated completely but that is like that yours is actually two separate things we'll play yeah yeah Wow do that's incredible yeah I really envisioned it that way that's not douchey but I'll get to finish a special yeah start number two start over to take a break unreal man and they so I understand so you'll film a year apart or simultaneous I felt like some attached so I had I did at cap city and uh I changed clothing I finished it thank you good night and then they clapped and I was like hey don't go anywhere I forgot like a shitload left and then I changed clothes on stage he change the scattered off changes set up we left because I wanted to have a similar look so I change it to like the lighting so it's like distressed wood background and I change the backlighting and the foreground lighting I flipped them for the second one and I just went close interesting it's a little different I know but like well you tell them the kind of the concept yeah half of its about children my feelings of its or you guys are kids cute but ya know for me yeah right I figured that out yeah it's not exactly administration why would you let me touch them no germs or man I don't like to encourage stranger strange men going natural good boundary in other words yeah some kids I was age somebody goes like hey like that and they run up and hug them I discourage that now are anyway our kid doesn't distrust people oh yeah yeah remark are you looking for me yeah yeah great yeah I as you know have contacts at Netflix and I reached out and was able to obtain a clip oh well yeah so here's a little taste that a big Jews with the Western wanna know it's not okay [ __ ] doing I [ __ ] know [Laughter] this is not even Orthodox Bar Mitzvah is a woman doing it on a lot of my operating terrible now wild more about your upbringing later we are the children that not having care your feelings about children is one and then what's the other thing is about adulthood so it's just I give it up for kids a little bit yeah I understand small parts of them but then the other side is like a life where you really just can't have if you have like a wife and kids yeah what can I give you a perfect example yes that like it just shows you kind of different thoughts yeah you I'm going to New York yeah and you're like why aren't you staying for like a few days yeah right and it's the it's a normal thought for a single guy there doesn't have a family New York City but like any guy with the family would be like what do you time yeah why would I stay there for a few days I actually lived most of my life - you said it once where it's like oh man I wish I could do it I think was I moved to New York like I wish I could do that Mike why don't you like I'm married can do and I was like oh yeah yeah I mean I wish I could do it in the sense it's like I go wish I could [ __ ] go parasailing tomorrow - right right like it's an enjoyable kind of like oh that's cool you get to but I'm not going to do that yeah you know well there's you know it's funny when I think about Ellis there's only a couple of real things like I don't like about having a kid like and this is so stupid but I don't like not sleeping as much as we used to or sleeping in that part of motherhood is the only thing that really bought a phone number one I covered that in a special yeah that tiredness that all you guys that perfect but it I mean then you wait against the other thing called ambivalence where you're able to simultaneously have contradictory feelings I learned about the sincerity not everything is black and white right I didn't know that until I had a kid things are not and most people are not black right we tried to make everybody black and like that guy sucks he's great really please don't forget charity yeah but it kills minds like I know what the charity still work of course yeah most people are complicated right it's all but I also want to go to Fiji and that we're going to have to put off right and that's something we just can't literally do why don't you are oh and I'm parented I'm not selling out a parent your kid likes why don't you leave a bunch of food in a bowl like I don't that's a good point not cover up the sockets with a little guys over all righty teaching resilience self-sufficiency now your upbringing you are Orthodox Jews we know now did your mom wear a wig like is it that worth about yeah yeah my sister wears away all the time my mom would generally wear like a hat except like High Holidays and that you were wicked I had it I think I wonder if she had none of it anymore have you seen her natural like are you like yeah I brought the home she's fine and what was she a blonde or something naturally she's been dyeing her hair for so long I think she's great naturally is that possible no yeah I think she's blonde yeah no crazy yeah yeah you think I should take the 10:10 p.m. flight or the 11:15 p.m. place don't Oh what time you trying to get in that's the thing they get in about an hour apart either 6:45 or 7:40 can you check into your local traffic where you going to oh yeah you love whatever you can suck up and murder okay dude took me now I have to get to my hotel when I did Gotham oh it's just really not compute so I know why there's no good subway system I know why it's a cabs unions they want to allow the subway to go over there anyway my child so if you think it's rooted in your did you hate your childhood is that why I loved it I loved it seriously yeah Kyle is the best pretty public about our hands I oh yeah I didn't look crazy mom it was their way of it not trying to commit suicide in front of me oh yeah yeah no but continuing because you think that somebody with my background because I used to be like that to where I was afraid of I don't want a family I didn't really think I would end up married okay but now that I have it I love it because I wrote the stability and this you find us with most people oh right I have kids they're like guys what I like yeah so what like where what was a defining moment for you where you're like I know I thought for me I think it's more reason where I was like for a while I was like of course a lot of kids it's you supposed to do yeah you're 22 like I've lost my religion and it was like and I moved out here 25 and then I ask you this when we told me one time about no no about stopping the religious thing how much you research that [ __ ] I wrote I clip real quick okay go ahead so I was it a lightbulb moment what what what that like abandoning religion was it like a one like you like dates back to it to a thing it took me like a year like ponder in my head until I realized like oh but you really did ponder for a while then yeah and what was the Epiphany was it that God doesn't exist or that this particular system of religion is not it was and I don't have a belief in it the I first I was agnostic I was like I don't know it came it was sleeping in a dorm near Shiva in Israel and we hit a light bulb over the beds for reading and you could like twist it up and I remember this I do you see this is the story yeah yeah you could put a cup on top of it so Jonathan Lyte so the cool I can sleep but then the cup kept like sliding off because is like circular frame to it and he she kept sliding off as like maybe just turn the light off but my door was like my window was like right by the entrance to the dorm so I'm like people going to see if I turn my light off and it's everyone's like religious Jewish you can't do it I'm Friday night oh sorry but you weren't allowed to have a nice gift for carries electricity bit yeah you can leave it on all the whole time or you can turn it off the whole time oh go on can't go one or these so drowning it out is okay still are not changing the spark this is such weird [ __ ] but like that odd a distinction to make yeah it's funny too how many of those things are like tied to a practice and they become symbolic but but but their actual origin is not something like no it's not like like I'm saying like with food eating let's say like people stay away I don't know from certain foods but the origin of that was like a practical thing you know right they would say yeah like something like some foods wouldn't you know hold well for certain people get sick so they go we don't eat that and then years later they don't get sick that other thing is not either yeah yeah why like you did they become symbolic I'm just eating nothing I was always so the reason we don't eat stuff is not sort of like tapeworm or anything yes because God said oh well never mind no practical reason but that's probably if God was invented that's probably what one of the things is so so wait so we're in his epiphany though I don't know yeah okay so the thing would stay on I kept taking like I'll just turn my light off I just turn it off what you're not allowed to do but I was I can get it caught and then I thought about it later where's like Who am I worried about getting caught by right man or God right and if I really believed in God who didn't want me to do that then I'm saying wouldn't be a question you don't do that yeah so how's that why am i questioning it and it finally came to like I don't think I believe in God yeah I don't think it's in me and then once I figure that out I was like I think I should stop I went to talk about you turn that light off huh where were you [ __ ] CP University in New York and like uh Spanish Harlem 180 seconds ago you went to Taco Bell I want to talk about I bought yeah what did you order what was the honorary tacos for [ __ ] $1 I put up her too I don't know because the shitty food or guilt I'm not really sir we've been such big fans with Neil Hamburg yeah I'm so glad you're bringing this up set up uh what up right now Neil hamburgers yeah is he starting a chain kamil hand idea you know him right oh so funny his Twitter feed is great oh really he does this yeah semi-regularly um where i want to talk about this brown i had yeah make i know let's not let's not lose track of his uh his story here either but I have to just mention it I love him to get so much stuff going on you gotta like yeah right now so he finds people's tweets yeah about getting some Taco Bell really and research there's a lot of them oh my god like it's constantly go ahead read it out loud with you I want to talk about want to talk about left I had it I looked at the Taco Bell I work I got mice and bugs all over their place this thick of [ __ ] a [ __ ] gets food poisoning from talk about cuz I know that means because or cousin okay I did a presentation today I'm back on a bacteria causes food poisoning I think I got food wiser to talk about ironic as [ __ ] talk about getting read to cover talk about talk about for the people who say goodbye graduation I never use a wheel is broken well it's all food and learn it's a cutter all my 44 yeah these are all my cardboard dude and he does this every few months Wow one day it was like isolated over three years my J found a roach on my food and I went back they also wrote [ __ ] I'm a taco bell I'm a cart had a whole side ass ratchet chilled all of it so the talk about diarrhea thing is true all right here I go Taco Bell three years ago what's a Los Lunas New Mexico talk about found a hair on our dock today Thunder hair on our food before we close yeah oh my friend got ya so and went to the hospital went again the next day and got bad believe it I can't believe it Taco Bell never fails to give me food poisoning your nasty-ass food establishment gave me food poisoning as well never again to just search food the worst food poisoning a problem I think I think you said sisters taco let's talk about that oh yeah three different times okay creation I done went I so I want to talk about if I guess a Mount Vernon and I done got boys I go some [ __ ] like God bro really be [ __ ] yeah I am crazed on that account Oh Faneca I chose her I lost my heart but isn't the amount of them astounding like many people who are this is countless well I you know the meat is supposedly supposedly worse than president about this blessed one here I mean Taco Bell again that [ __ ] has a [ __ ] stick well XS I don't care for your choice of words but it's a sentiment I can oh damn that's right yeah I love what I could come up like that just centers on something I did you ever see Colin Quinn's like tongue in cheek like uber conservative tweets yes Oh his Twitter account never never lets her and I'm joking never know that would be like yes it's party you have to like really accept that that that there's many people out there that believe that you're serious yeah I think that's a real struggle for like a lot of comics and I think that he is so sure of everyone yes that he fully goes for it also if you don't fool people quite as fun exactly Eddie Kaufman how to get people like at the back on stage or do it I like his serious stuff like there's just nothing like hearing laughter out it is a human power of laughter like how last week like I said yeah yeah now that's a smart move because we would have done that with Rogen what see instead of covering about each other covering your phone oh I think that that might be true I don't think it's made for that exactly a mom summit for those hey dude what are you doing sorry your mom is made for hooking up my microphone Hanks well she anyway area I'm glad you're here because you and I we share a common bond that we both love to [ __ ] and shower yeah every time I mention it people like Oh Chris do you know Mike yeah I guess we drop a BA kindred poohbear really are yeah really oh we got this bidet toilet fast you go straight to the shower you save money on toilet paper first of all that's not the point but it is a definite thing second of all it's the cleanest you can get if the cleanest you know drawing your drawing now what led you to [ __ ] to shower I want to talk about your experience I believe the first time was kind of like my Epiphany with Judaism where just like it just sort of happens you know I was tied no toilet paper oh I looked under this book sink like I did yeah I think this at my old place on Sunset I just think I was like Nanak [ __ ] what am I gonna do huh and then it hit me straight to shower straight yeah that's interesting because necessity is the mother of invention is now with me it was that I have what is known as the never-ending wife I get leaky but where I Wi-Fi Wi-Fi wipe and the papers always brown and I found that the only way the Lord of it I would man stop the breath is if I shower my butthole then the brown stops coming down you get like greasy greasy leak really solid brown no no it's like a mush just like a like a smear oh yeah like I don't know I don't know what that is uh-huh like a sun-dried tomato cream cheese yeah but anyway we got this new toilet this robot toilet that those are great it's a wash lead it's a bidet in your turn and you don't have to go into the shower physically because some of that's annoying like I want take my pants off yeah I'll dry off this thing though missing what's amazing is you have different water pressure options Oh oscillating pulsating options what do you mean water temperature options yeah cold warm hot yep it's pretty amazing so basically you can you're done yeah you have a nice stream to kind of start kind of get your [ __ ] agenda yeah and then you can [ __ ] gas it up and have a fire Wow and really get finally that you can beat you can let that thing run for a minute put toilet paper back there nothing clean as a West yet and there's a dryer Kappa will explain this me once about wet wet wipe egg as opposed to dry wet you know what though I find what I said effective I don't think that's enough well just in general using water yeah right yeah he said he's no I just use total Cavey is back that and he was thought ID cash Tito there yeah and he was like look and he took some a little bit of coca-cola yeah put it on my table and then he goes okay let that sit for a minute I wipe it up with a dry towel and now seal the table I'm like hey a little sticky goes yeah a little sticky yeah Yeah right in water I didn't know that he was such an expert we have further questions for REM so fascinating yeah why not talk about Southeast Asia toilet but oh I can't okay wait we'll save it wait wait why been dying to talk to you about this okay so now when you do [ __ ] to shower in your world use you a cursory wipe an exploratory wipe or you literally dump your [ __ ] straight to shower without even a cursory wipe okay I'm going to ask you of your opinion later wouldn't you do okay occasionally I'll go nothing but he doesn't really I'll do matters no wife because it's like what did you drip on the way depends on by the bath mat there you have it I don't want to ruin a bath mat full dump hold up just stand up and go in the shower well I can reach over from the toward I turn the hot water on other place is a little harder but yeah just so full I think you get to watch all the [ __ ] run down this to sink like in psycho remember in psycho what she's bleeding out and I'm so drain blood yeah you got that you guys have run down your leg which is all usually horrible but it's not going to stick right your shower do you do okay now because that to me is a little bold Otis not all the time sacrament and I do live with someone so I try to be considered I wouldn't put Duke even rewards on the bathroom he's going to shower they're after me and I don't want [ __ ] in our shower really so I do an exploratory consideration wipe now sometimes I have just known like that wasn't a massive brown there's not there's nothing on my [ __ ] that was a clean break [Music] alright I feel yeah it's good this is the ticket to go to the journalists right again or even about white again I was like seven skew but uh yeah I'll only go if I'm confident that there's no brown on my butthole I will just go straight to shower if I'm confident and then sometimes I am never bleed out of my vagina yeah alright yeah that's normal yeah you are you still bleeding out of your [ __ ] not through my whole trip in Southeast Asia when I got back like the second day was full-blood ago no drippers really talk about this what do you do you think that I mean internal hemorrhoid ask the doctor there's like you're good that does Bloods too dark you see this in Asia so far yeah loot I don't know it's just why should any other silly place blue the other people oh holy [ __ ] other two seem shocked or animated flute was her regime why did you do that could you push out air that way no I've never been able to qui font command no okay he's loving it laughs he's like what the that's a real talent though yeah also playing a tune I'm just blowing out anyway he's also hitting beep that's right on it's a real skill anything like that you seen ah last time I went to Thailand like two years ago he puts a pop on the street in Thailand at with these katie's women that Bangkok yeah Bangkok they gave you a rolled-up piece of uh well first I gave you a balloon hold it above your head and you're like and then they shoot darts out of Aegina to pop your balloon Wow then you applaud for that ice oh yeah it's not sexual at all it's just talents it's not sexual then you roll up a piece of paper into a funnel hold that over your head what are you doing and then they start peeling bananas and you're like no no shoo bananas out and get it into a little cup you've made impossible what's the trick what's the there's there's got to be a circus trick there Roger no Carnegie Hall that can't be legit no way man that you think that's real out of there Jeremy out I've seen I'm gonna see too many of them yes pops out oh I don't have a giant I don't know wow we have to be able to suck air in before you put the object in because I've seen girls that can queef on command I've had friends that can do it yeah and you lay on your back and you suck in the air I don't know mate that that did that was [ __ ] really yeah yeah sure doubt stuff no no just the air thing but on like he would just get on he could do it on all fours lay on his back and just all day he goes really yeah wow what a town what a superhero it was really cool yeah yeah I wonder if I have like a wrestling style school for that for shooting somebody or vagina it's like not ready yet but I want to get my accreditation do this so let's talk about the toilets in Asia okay so they have these if they're not squat toilets I hate those yeah they're pretty bad and I hear that it's better for you blah blah yeah I love how much Revis committed to remove ourselves some people actually hiring us we just do stuff like that okay all right no apology necessary to local yeah somebody yeah I was an Asian person saying it so yeah it's not impressive yeah chong ching chong um they're just gonna have directions who knows so they have the squatters that's why I hate yeah a lot of times oh they have toilets and hostels without their toilets but that these bum guns which is just like you know I want to sink you'll get like the thing you get to pull out yeah we have that yeah but without the what's it called the spray yeah so it's just a stream and you put that into your but Georgia but you just spray it out and then like you said get that one wife but it's almost clean did you like that did you prefer that to the whole tower yeah you can't throw out I got used to it no [ __ ] showers the best but you can't throw out your toilet paper in the toilet right they also love to go in the trash can I file is [ __ ] it smells horrible I use words one of my good friend is married a woman from chaotic Oh oh my god Emily came they were throw stuff out the trash cans toilet paper like but like I used toilet paper toilet paper as you guys don't have a bomb guns like oh yeah so this is the stern ass big wads of [ __ ] ah like they're getting one last wife they're doing a whole thing here and he was like I'm not doing this and they just don't know habitual we're talking like they're 40 years of doing this yeah right like what sometimes yeah you bet Wow yeah that's that's the opposite of that in those hospitals like hey I know used to where you are and you can't flush clothes in there yeah uh hey I had a question oh hey we had an email today how do blind people know when to stop wiping what are your thoughts on that taste test okay their sense of taste is higher than most people yeah yeah yeah oh I really thought it was a thing where they eventually do a bare hand thing and then they just go oh there's nothing there yeah maybe but they'd have to like they couldn't go like half like go on how close I am right right like you look at toilet paper when you're out you don't have a shower you look at it you like okay about halfway there you look like recorders the way there yeah it's true you don't just keep going it's like this feel no I've been way down right right right maybe maybe you smell the toilet paper why you have to smell your bare hand oh I think in rail that's a great tweak what you just did right stepped up a great right right wait what you saying because I'm an observational person that you wide whities why do they have to smell their bare hand like you said why not smell the toilet paper oh I see so now I know because one of them told me that's what they do really oh so I got this for you I wish I could park with a Ryan O'Neal yeah and uh I mean tell me where Griffith Park someone she's walking around we're talking okay at a ten minutes in I was like fine [ __ ] this morning I have to shake haha he's like really Mike ah hold it hold it three more minutes like I'm not holding it man I gotta go he's like how you gonna wipe I'm like well he had a full bottle of water I'm like with that he said what do you what what do you mean no don't do this and I was like yeah I had the sports top no ah what edge is just kind of like one of these yeah Arrowhead bottle and then uh [ __ ] on a hill so really squat shot which I'm used to now I've got experience you get away from people ya got it out and down the hill little bit cut to it got to like a big bunch behind me so people are on the road I'm happy you're way down and you looked up you could for sure see a manic water if I was homeless I'd have a shirt on yeah yeah let's talk about the squatting technique because I imagine what's problematic is that you might [ __ ] on your jeans absolutely so how do you learn to lean backwards there's also I pulled your jeans forward yeah yeah demonstrate make sure to get this on yeah okay I don't know I want to watch everything your pants down I mean your your underwear down yeah I don't need to see that pretty much get the idea can we go around the corner they're good people okay sorry got his pants down right now he's got some mushroom boxer shorts on and he's standing and so uh yeah dude all right pulled his pants down and his underwear Dan please put them back on for the love of dogs in here okay he's showing I guess because of you please don't play your pencil is assumed that okay so you don't want to [ __ ] he just wanting be right into the pan he's squatting but you're squatting straight so everything's at a perfect angle okay so you're hanging answer no okay so you're really just cuter you squat back a little bit you're Scottish walk you squat full she wants back my balls right Tom touching the toilet is a real issue like big long balls that's an issue but I was on a hill and rivet Park no big deal right now when you are doing that at Griffith Park what about the weeds and the brush touching your dick in your balls in your butthole and all that dried leaves definitely touched ya didn't care for it so you're saying it's all about the lien like what you kind of did the way you are squatting is how I've seen like Chinese guys smoking in Chinatown yeah they're used to it they always sit like that yeah yeah this tougher goal hold back squats up with um tan you both are so big so very so then I pour water in my hand immediately as it's wet took it to the but it kind of wiped oh you think you did it with your hands yeah and then got more water wipe more water wife no didn't dig in with nails didn't want anything my nails ma'am and then I was forced by Ryan to wipe my hands in dirt afterwards okay and then you wash your hands later I'm hoping yeah how much like do you get a lot of ball attention when you're with like are they like oh these are great balls like you should be the big thing couple times yeah I've had a couple girls going man I love these balls really but like twice now are you really into your own balls then like is that a big like if you're making your list you're like definitely like play my balls I think immediately they're good weapons yeah how saggy they are yeah I mean if there were nice tight ones it wouldn't be as funny but I really well is it really a turn-on saying like if if you were like if a woman was like what what do you like what we're about to have sex we like definitely play my balls no not okay so now like your thing I don't mind it it's kind of nice actually but it's not like I need that it's not you need it no not at all you I mean I like it but I mean it's not like I wouldn't be like if you don't play my balls we had a problem jailbreaker how big were re balls they just live like I am NOT look what it looks like there was like six balls the left would hang about like a like a half matted pizza dough kind of thing I was just like I think we already didn't look too hairy down there a glimpse kind of like a teenager's beard occasionally you do a lot trimming or no nothing really zip oh my god I got to do a lot of that really why Georgia linear no no Argentinian what are you getting at Peruvian Peruvian yeah and I you know whatever but um it's a lot I don't know it's a lot of hair I'm not like actually I have one of my friends do you like it him fall down they're not bald I like a good clean up I think that it's to at least be a little hygienic yeah I don't like so much hair that it's annoying it too much yeah it can get away from you you know yeah it stops growing at some point though yeah it does but yeah I look down there my proof yeah I mean I just need like a haircut you don't want to talk yeah no nuts grows and then it's to Velcro II when it's too long sometimes look like the head just like peeking out of the woods you know like my dick just heard something like what's going on like Groundhog Day you know that if you without a few weeks of wheel back in yeah so your polyps is that what you have polyps is that in your butthole you said you have hemorrhoids remember next time I go and can you do something to stop them from oh no he said I could have surgeries is not worth it Kathy's like it might not work and it's just like invasive and you've never have you ever seen gieux clam excuse me are you gonna show I don't know I know no I don't know right now I can't do it doesn't sound good really it's so bad I thought in person I was like are you there wouldn't happen dude I was in a capsid I was in cap city yeah I'll try to really put that video out some of my special you know I gotta saw it and I remember that I pulled I was so traumatized that I pulled Brian aside that's the way like he needs a hostel I never dated like that okay no it's great but now how about really and that isn't a proud like that shouldn't be surgery yeah yeah whatever that just that you bleed a lot no I'm sorry [ __ ] Mike it's like I mean you really got to see it I don't need to I think we already have to blur one tough - episode yeah it's so great like his basically his you ever seen like a chimps ass yeah it's like bubbles that's like all big and like a prolapse yes yes Yoko Athena Phillips that happen elapsed vagina but that happened to him on camera Oh Gina I saw him turns when I thought I was like I literally oh that I had never seen anything like this I felt it's swollen Yanks sticking out of him like peach bread ha ha ha ha and it met it looked like I brought up look it wasn't like your real [ __ ] I've been trying to push out a [ __ ] for like the last like three four straight minutes and I thought that's what it was that [ __ ] was halfway out of my butt I wasn't trying to show you you saw it like because you knew that was what it looked like oh no I thought there was a piece of [ __ ] coming out of my butt and I was trying to show you that oh be the most of God I mean when you thought on yourself were you a little like oh my god like yeah yeah okay yeah like a little scary right it was like yeah yeah yeah yeah but I was like I can swim should have been there for a while but why did that that didn't feel good yeah you're right rain to wipe it it's fine it's pretty tough and then it just kind of goes back in goes back in yeah well see it all right I mean we've already said oh no is it what I gotta go do what not on YouTube I think like liveleak or something okay I don't know if I uncensored you clam so it's still like that re I can show you right now no no that's okay bubby yeah that's a terrible thing to lose I got it I got a bleep some punch drug ah oh I saw that on the I saw that yeah I'm tripolis think how that go did it hurt no a little warm a little little like heat on it but uh you get to see it before and after shot like so you can see why sheena before after it just seemed like the parts that he didn't bleach were just darker didn't look like it was lighter that's so fine that people are doing that is that real I mean if you're a porn star I get it but otherwise in civilian life why would you need to have your [ __ ] I mean let you go to an accident and you badly burned inside your [ __ ] aesthetics guys won't flag down won't play I'm just like I'm trying to play it and because I'm ugly yeah but it just says you know so I go hit play I'm hitting play right now the poly video gives it's horrific new today he can't be over there just won't play weird well this other one will play here's a reddit link to it maybe this will play maybe that this is fun our pizza dish hmm yeah I'm thinking again one of those bday things dude Amazon you don't have to [ __ ] to like get in the shower it's a truck did I haven't [ __ ] the shower I only do it in hotels now well yeah now I feel like a diminished degraded human when I have to [ __ ] on a toilet that doesn't have a good day I feel like it's I feel like trash so used to it oh it's going to change your life it's called the Toto wash let 350 e Washlet wash let wash lid I don't know what do you why you saying like that is it Tom is it wash let or Washlet Washlet oh I thought it was French maybe like to even an Ian wash look heck of a well I don't know if I could know but it'll really change your whole [ __ ] game yeah I might do that leave you blood and stuff down there you should work so now when you do that yeah then does it stop with a continuous wiping yeah it's good cleans it up well the water is what I need to stop the leaky but well I don't know why my Platt leaks have you ever before you got that you ever wipe say okay I think I'm good then go out and go I think I'm I think I got to go back to wipe that's how I've discovered my leaky blood problem yeah yeah and then like hours later I'll be like oh my god what why is there brown there these these summer days by the way and summer oh yeah I mean I'm Harry yeah like sometimes I'll be like itches and I'll write it down with paper yeah see if there's something there just like see so much Brown just like sweat and your your suit if you walk around New York City the same way and I just hot where are you going back then yeah I'm going back on a run back on Saturday it's kind place oh you are okay yeah so we going yeah I'm gonna be there like a couple weeks just hanging out if you want to come buddy really yeah stay indefinitely oh hey can we see what's up with Danny AK Danny AK yeah she's a lady she's got a following on good on YouTube bull yakimaniac yeah yeah haven't you know I just been thinking about her yeah well she does this thing or like she starts basically all of her are a lot of her videos like this you go hey what Hitler yeah she owes us a lot to Hitler how does that work oh really yeah yeah she's just addressing all this up to Hitler yeah it's a lot of Hitler is it a back then Hitler I think they did a lot good distinction okay yeah the historical Hitler Hitler of today and she gave him like blog type advice or she liked admonishing you for some of the stuff you've done or she's like how you doing she's like I need some help oh really yeah it's a cry for Wow yeah [Music] basically harassing my day accent he's harassing me he's a threatening and actually is Jonas buzz behind you come here Danny and a raper something P Q he's been suspended in my account like a thousand of times because he's overly jealous she's real a thousand of times she basically is obsessed with me he doesn't know anything about me right she's in no rush to get to a point hello girl time in the world any watching YouTube he loves you too you know what didn't patagonian I just wanted to tell what is YouTube all for the better can we see the update yeah how's uh thirty seven thousand views it's not that yeah that's it thank you we've been Pesci as she studied think to you guys um well not directly what should be upset you added you on your pocket I don't think I yeah real probably does she say anything if a Semitic or like I think she don't remember I don't remember honestly was it her that had an anti thousand upon I just want to let you know the people in San Antonio the ones just call me my Danny acts um they basically are chained up on the candy boat and which I've already and change them but I know I thought that we were one know if the title is all right right right with honest campy boat yeah shrimp scampi and I really need your help I'm saving them further well Hitler has to do it see ya I'll just on the boat but untied yeah we're never gonna do there that she hasn't already done she's a hero you're like this is the one I'm talking about I mean why aren't you I can't ask em scampi boat and getting turned into like but Guangzhou yeah especially from this date we don't hey I owe so is it good [Music] all right honest [ __ ] hey Leslie Deanie I just want to let you know there are at least the to my genius orally to a few my Danny actor on the shrimp scampi votes yesterday like they are like getting turned into lasagna so oh I am move on major help getting an ice cube out of triple bond and day yes they really need your help getting rescued so could you or hilly please please a send a rescue of but I won't to her point appreciated days okay babe they don't hit she she says Hitler she sang Hitler baby Oh for Christmas and she sings happy birthday baby Hitler and other people Hitler did have access to submarines that's right I mean it's not out of the realm of like [Music] Nicolas no bigger lips what's the video dog ever say yeah every birthday yeah [ __ ] lips yeah I don't know if she's saying that I know it's good and stuff Oh shrimp scampi boat problem yeah actually I do anything is to add please today hobby bye okay oh man that would have I would have made all those even movies way lamer yeah the thing I was looking for is do you remember her one of her og ones was about [ __ ] in around yeah I can't fly around and that's hard to find yeah we could be looking all day for that I know but she had a great one about what she was going to do to this guy when she she's gonna [ __ ] in his mouth and not around it she's like specified where she was going really yeah yeah you know Hitler could only get hard if you show us just no no you just talk about it like he had a small dick and then he had a yeah that's why I always heard where I was rubbing a latent homosexual and I was growing up around people who didn't like Hitler why not were the ones are from I think they were just not kind of the EU yeah nobody was trying to unite yeah alright you do would you rather with Harry would you rather yeah like the historical one the big one okay there's a couple I got I just think I'll be fun to play with them yeah would you rather only lasagna for the rest Eliza yeah or never have to never be able to eat anything with meat No one day one day at one meal a day how do we look pretty I feel like Lauren or no meat so layer by my brother Jim you always join sex when your sister thank you the face bitter distress grandmother Watson on you masturbating never have another orgasm I like what I want to I want to hear my options again it's either lasagna one meal a day for the rest of your life every day you have every day you and Marcy lose a lot behind that meat and veggies course good choice okay but you can anything else kind of like a little piece lasagna and like a salad is just was on you for a meal one meal a day yeah you have two pieces three pieces but for the rest of your life you get other meals dinner yeah that could be lunch okay but you don't have to like have another thing late you have to eat it it's a fill-up on it okay you know it's a it's a be the formula or your vegetarian oh you're saying no fish as a vegetarian no fish so no protein you basically have to be like a V you may have eggs I see I have to have that protein I feel I feel weary why I don't have protein yeah I'm gonna have to go with the lasagna once a day if I like lasagna like I feel like I could do that you don't feel like you'll be betraying lasagna by eventually hating it no okay no what do you say Tommy jeans I have to do this right now okay arrey what do you choose hmm I really think it what I said it do love meat but lasagna every day I know it's tough because you know when you make a lasagna you end up eating it for three or four days other than I like my day for you're just oh no yesterday so what was the other option besides of lasagna your chariot be a vegetarian no fish you can only have no bugs move now well I think I'd have to do lasagna every single day you know it'll say whatever you need a tiny square no no not alone you gotta have your very own feel serving yeah not allowed but here's the thing the variety provided to you and the other meals I think would we counter it yeah I feel weak when I don't eat meat so I like meats what if you had your lasagna for lunch got other way to go to a dinner party like we got lasagna today yeah it would kill someone yeah wait what would you choose I think I'd be a vegetarian okay I think I would get real sick lasagna and I'd start to go crazy that's true what could you have different lasagnas like with a bechamel sauce one day I'd have to be the standard tomato water feels the way I pictured it was the same exact recipe lasagna like when you said you make a finger lasagna keep eating it imagine like a 50 mile long one always lasagna you can have either fresh board heated up that's the only variety you got I put shaky cheese on it one day the next day no shaking I try to vary it I think I would have to do that just to be able to have whatever I want for the second or the third meal I agree I agree okay Airy ready yes I'm sorry god this is probably one of our most favorite would you rather Zahn the show very popular would you rather be [ __ ] hold on I'll stop you there I would love to I mean let's get another positive or be a millionaire that I don't know but like I would love really lack of responsibility you might feel would be so worth it you really good fulfilling I mean you know in the towel hi Oh who's gonna do that short well for sure not me right cuz I'm [ __ ] so for sure it's on me are you guys gonna side who's doing it but I'm out of this I just go pee corner what if they make you have a job like you have to go it's how many ice or glass racks myself in your little I thought that don't throw me away remember yeah we played it on the show really yeah you have to go work at the grocery story not the bag groceries George push carts yeah stuff like that you get a [ __ ] guy bagging your groceries the part of you feel like part of the solution yeah I like it I've said this on my face I love doing this to people I do this to my mother we were at a grocery store and they had [ __ ] guy bag in the grocery hmm and he was at this quarter so they walk you to the car - so they walk in a car and they loaded in and so he did he did all that there's no conversation and as we're getting in the content where we go it's almost different about that guy right [ __ ] doesn't know like any other DC things to say and she's I go no she was don't mean please I go he's fine and he was like off and clearly approach her - yeah and she just like just upset I do that also when I see like somebody walking like like you know you're go to [ __ ] with her no yeah like with them with my parents I'll be like drunk and that's about zero poly or so and she'll be like it but they don't like they don't go they don't get that I'm saying that I said jokes I do it seriously and then they'll be like that guy's severely today starring like he's [ __ ] oh I love it and I lie and I'm like he's drunk she could tell yeah I like it on my friend like oh look at this hot girl and I turn it's like some 80 year old [ __ ] [ __ ] because you're expecting to see somebody super hot you know I like what Tom does is when he sees a pregnant woman he'll be like yeah what's wrong with her stomach breaking down here I have a stupid I've posted it on Instagram before yeah and it's almost like that Colin Quinn thing we're talking about - blonde Kimberly was pregnant no did I post it with Adam West ugh yeah without I always I have this contract in my pants I was so a celebrity dies as soon as possible I will [ __ ] on as soon as they die as soon as I hear about it I will try to come with a funny tweet [ __ ] on them yeah not respecting their death yeah so for Adam West so they don't really have any problems at all with Adam West yeah I was like Adam West [ __ ] my grandmother it's four apartments at my father's found I saw that I'll never forgive him how about no dad Moshe kasher was like is that real Justin respond I just like an idiot no you're in luck we didn't [ __ ] my softe so our I tore my family apart but on the real though I mean I want you to be real serious your answer would you rather be [ __ ] or let your grandfather jerk you off on a ferris wheel but but and get you get a funnel cake I think it's choose the ferris wheel you got a pair of funnel cake yeah right so it's not a bad day all he does like he jerked you up on no one finds out they'll get an awesome fresh funnel cake yes go ahead does a funnel cake come before after the jerk-off from the first yeah after so it's like you're done right you're crying so those like you feel better right now like about - yeah and he goes like just our thing like don't tell anybody here's a song a final take yeah feel like the experience of having this on tape with with Papa would be uh sort of tainted from the jerk-off it is sure is but you here's the thing it's no confidence you have the final cake before it would be a nice moment my with my papa or my Saba but then afterwards would be like nothing to wash down at that feeling yeah the Saba like a Jew yeah that's Ben's grandfather got you bro we have a tough one see ya thank you know as my Saba going I survived the Holocaust for this but Philip would you rather from Christians but okay so but you're either [ __ ] your whole life or you do one bad incident on the ferris wheel but there's funnel cake I approved you and you got to consider that you might be get Y in to it and then wanna have that happen over and over that's not really but it's not just a one-time thing sure I don't I don't talk off to anime porn for that reason why is that what if I I don't want to go down that road right you know and then be like talk about the cartoons it's too dark a road other signs yeah yeah I think I would go with my I mean is it now or is he still alive they're both dead yes women they're still alive he's alive oh yeah yeah not dig it up his core he's always going this Ferris well this is an interesting distinction Ari's making because if it happened to you in your formative year your youth it could do long-lasting damage if it happens at what age are we talking your child and this happens are you an adolescent or are you 40 something year old also if you're an adolescent you're just 17 you're gonna come quick sure but now I mean you're going to be jerking me off for a while like I'd ever go to the guy running like run that back run that back we got another round on a ferris wheel right so well listening to saying oh you [ __ ] hands I hope there's air Lube is there Lube or is it just that rough Nana grandpa and rock yeah yeah ruff ruff all right now I think you know what I'm going to do with this one cuz I hadn't considered the age I don't want to scar you emotionally too much so I'm not going to attend to a child from now on I'm gonna go that's great 40 something you're always Mary you're an adult and your grandfather is like a couple years before he dies right we hold his hand all decrepit but also I get to have had 40 years of non [ __ ] life and yes right didn't go back and become always target right so you'll be born [ __ ] and whatever semester comes out like a mysimon [ __ ] and interview talking about it so why did you choose do a double special unlike TV I'm interesting they're like wrong with you right now I play would you rather I know this married couple the sort of fake and phony so now yeah I call it my grab my grip on something new it's not because if you just live the rest of his life return it that'll be really crazy oh wait is it not live us really well that's what I thought I assumed that you'd be born we'd go back in time and you're born [ __ ] but we got to make choices right now so you can convert that's all right now I think it might be funnier if from now on I think it's better though it's better to listen let's go from that from now on you're [ __ ] from now on you'll be hard too because I've gotten laid and then the amount of game I would not have and your careers then when I let you become the [ __ ] comedian now my intellect wouldn't be there to write the bits but here's the other thing we can hire dart getting do you start getting sympathy tale the officer yeah you don't look the same way people remember you before you walk into a bar and then they're like hey I saw your Netflix incoming Central okay you would get a bunch of women who would like we're already booked to me like whatever like but not enough yellow is my favorite yeah and then they like oh wow I kind of thing for a Tartar people yeah also he was a funny comic once this one's okay you give a whole new life your sex game with people take a big dive you would never think about pleasing somebody else know what you got also think I have [ __ ] strength yeah so and a [ __ ] libido don't forget they are very sexually and they took off constantly because they don't know like you're not supposed to do this like why would you not do good you have to try it what we got right we got hate mail about that really says she said that and some someone wrote in like I work with in special ed she's like they don't all jerk awful day you [ __ ] me that's cuz you've done a good job they're so mad everybody says we're going to get some mail on this okay think yeah but it's so we're the hate mails never like oh just you know some of them dudes that but generally that's like 510 percent you're off a little bit yeah [ __ ] you I thought yeah is really they go right thanks for not teaching let me ask you this though yeah you know you're gonna have a decision because yeah yeah yeah okay but then walk us through the logic I'm not here yet tell us your decision and tell us why you chose that yeah I think I would go with my grandfather jerk me off wow I just don't want to be [ __ ] man I just don't my [ __ ] and I thought some gross people before yeah this would be way more damaging but I wasn't that close with Papa or cassava how long do you think it would take you to finish it would take a while what I'm I try to draw off before the two guys in the oil Comedy Store the condo I try to work it up like real hard in the other room yeah and then come out and like jizz in front of them oh my god and yeah when I came out realize how ridiculous it was it I was about to come and then it was I know you got a five more minutes now and I need to go back for an hour made there curiously you too nervous was it the pressure of a performance it was just like ridiculous and funny teeth were they laughing with a one was laughing one was in horror yeah I think I choose the lab yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna go grandfather jerking me off Wow yeah it would be rough it would take a while it would definitely damage me oh man what does the thing is that it's going to go back the rest of your life I have a definitely a new I have a my parents have trouble looking at them yeah yeah especially telling it like you have to tell one day you know what you know what your dad did yeah the name should really be called would you least rather yeah of course not like what about this one it leads us into one of the classic would you rather and I know you're not obviously Christian but like the biggest celebratory day in your house would probably be like growing up would be passing like weight for celebration oh oh you mean like yet person was more like a family thing yeah Hannukah Hannukah your family there though but everyone see you know Passover Passover Rosh Hashanah okay that's a rehearsal for sure okay Passover yeah so it's Passover everybody gets together oh my god I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I am hodgepodge gosh I am Barris [ __ ] nah it's a good at that you leave a different but oh my god you guys are so disgusting so if you guys have your you know you said yeah you sacrifice your baby you do you're saying oh the time Jewish babies does right okay he's a grown man kill a dog you guys do you change black your prayer you know there's one drop of Jewish non Jewish baby blood in the matzo recipe if that's your burger with one drop it don't talk it's not a whole baby we for sure we killed the babies and put them out but like only one drop let's say you're way off base okay I don't know all the things but you do your coin flip everyone sits there and then at the end right is there like a big toast and everything - yes I'm bored Rosses along okay so there's all this wine then you say to your family you go guys I got to show you something and you everybody goes from the dining room allows this to the living I don't know about okay I already picture that so everybody is like how cool and they're like what is it did you shoot a new show what are you going to show us and you go just sit here and watch this and you put it a DVD so and they're all like waiting in their mom eating a Grammy and would it by the way is been faster do you say Happy Passover like what do you guys play so happy what there's a happy Pesach place Oscar okay that's a okay orchid yontiff good yontiff yeah okay so after all holidays so they're all sitting in front of the TV you press play your on screen and ten homeless guys are standing around you and they hold all over it's all over somehow it goes yeah this is one of the options of course it's a video of both no no no no it's one or the other oh my god sorry you're right I continue right go ahead divorced over know about that we go okay could be lazy here okay okay okay okay yeah yeah but their homeland mixture is homeless yes and they all masturbate to incompletion yeah I'm on it and he on you know and they're squirting or no no no one that's Owen oh yeah because it could be like Stuart and they're like yeah they're all really loud about it it's really uncomfortable oh my way Army's watching yes wait yes now when I use the lasso everybody ready yeah although the last one ends you turn the camera and you say happy place off yeah happy place off like that and then it cuts to black you turn back now what do you guys think it's either that or when you put the DVD in and you press play it's just you alone looking the camera and you masturbate to completion and you say happy face off yeah so it's the shame that it's either you doing the thing or having the thing done to you that's shameful I mean I there's so many different people in the family yeah well my mom and dad even was disappointed with me versus like I could explain to the nephews if I was just masturbating my sister's could be like okay you're going to live this eventually yet what all he was doing was called masturbation you'll do it when you get a little older do we have to take that can we take the children out of the room I think the children don't need to be privy I'm going to take one I no one needs to be privy well let's let's change it to just adults I don't think it's fair to put kids and that's in there so I'm picturing me when I was growing up they when I'm like 22 no one has it as being right those kids correct I've what's grown-up correct it's just adults only is what we've judged it to Tom children shouldn't watch the video because your mom is your dad it's your grandma grandpa everywhere their brother-sister they well there's no children okay yeah so that's all the dollars okay can I say a problem with this yeah I had can't use a DVD player on Ianto so it would be okay because I'm like I got to put this a DVD Alec what are you talking about no I have the caveat here it is it's a live performance guys kind of my friends they're all going to do this with me versus all right guys and actually the way I come to the backyard yeah we were actually originally the way I like this one is to send out a company-wide email guys come to my desk at 12:30 and everyone shows up your boss I'm in your life and then you that's a good way to masturbate that's a good way to quit your job but what would you guys do with grandfather or [ __ ] I'd rather go [ __ ] no I'd rather grandfather 100% yeah now we're I've lived a great life all but my son [ __ ] grandfather I have to raise my kid but I feel like it would like now that I think about it talking about with you it would take so long so I'll go somewhere like it's focused so intently on it you know just you have to block out like so hard it's a really mistake about sexual stuff yeah hard if you like at all pop up or if you get that smell bengay yeah and every time he's like Oh clean throwings like you know any wouldn't be good at it don't like Jesus I could lick his hand the way doesn't [Music] yeah and I hope you're like having trouble I go do your balls yes yes I do I need help you're my laughs like old times yeah you want me to do your balls yeah Craig - your balls man balls grabbed by my area so what's it going to be and everyone okay yeah so jerk off in front of my family or have ten girls kind of boot cocky you I mean originally it was ten homeless men but I feel like we adapt it for male but they're really a shame men and women homeless and they're being bored so if I'm Russ do it homeboy jay ellyiot suppose that's what it sounds like [Music] like on the backyard I mean they just get a watch I feel like I got not just what now everyone just watching her just like shocked yes service yeah so you're really thinking about the conversation afterwards caucus three you're thinking you okay you think about afterwards how to deal with you also think about if no one was there which I read it's like I don't want to have homeless people [ __ ] on me like it's not just about the reaction it's also like this is happening all right my interesting point and just a quick but can't you masturbate in front of your family that's another thing looking into your mother's eyes looking at your sister right right right yeah I mean like forget that the homeless people jizan on you and squirting on you that could be a would you rather if the family's not even involved because it's not even a good thing yeah but the family adds a nice little job for sure I'm saying it the facet but masturbation without my family is no big deal without your family your family that's a whole other level that's why it's such an important would you rather this is a seminal one if you know hmm I think I think I know but am I thinking is nothing thank you I could sort of know it off to them it was like rock I was fast to do this I wasn't the one doing it that's right that was a lot masturbating that's right though it's a more normal thing like obviously you know it's electrolyte but I do this when you're not around right and now the home Anthony it's a shoulder it's a shame displacement it's either the shaming is done to you or you're responsible for your shame so that's I think my psychologically very hawkish as I'm talking to him I just wish yeah I was gonna go get get judged on right but I think maybe now masturbating but then again to conversation afterwards I'd be like no you were doing that are you asked about why did you do it's past we asked you to stop we're saying hey please stop the other way it's like we asked the homeless people to please stop yeah and they did it alright get away from them but I'm on the ground I may have and they they take the responsibility right what's happening made him do this yeah oh they forced me alright I'm a I lost the border this is a really underline one the goals whenever you do a would you rather it does not have people go oh yeah hey or right yeah CF it's the dilemma yeah yeah I think getting masturbated on do you prefer that one I don't prefer I don't like using that word so it's your preference it's what you find enjoyable I think that but there would be that conversation of like I masturbated was you that in front of us but this like - what are you into look that's all that's an ending whatever in commerce of our son so that's interesting the shame of what are your sexual preferences are you into this is what our ease into versus we don't know what our ease into but he's masturbating in front of us I'm not I masturbated in their house while they were there when I was in Orthodox - right Alice times were you supposed to not do that oh for sure not there's no religion in the world that I know of no even that that does that allows it will you ever bring stuff like that up in that era would you be like I want to masturbate or they talk to you that stuff like that no no no even sexy ahead was how hardcore are your folks Orthodox Jewish they are yeah they have gotten to the point whether if we're out my dad's like can I get a burger you can get a burger oh really I would that like took a lot how are they with your you know success like I like my success they don't like the way I've achieved it like when I took my dick out on HBO my mother party I told people to watch you're gonna be on TV Larry why my mommy shouldn't watch it's tough it's exactly not free will they watch the special oh yeah they will yeah I got Comedy Central before they got cable just later watch me really yeah they're proud of me as my aunt once I was doing some jokes I like herpes at the BC improv yeah they were there and they left right afterwards when I was like what did they how did they feel about that she goes I think they just assumed you were joking about like to set up endless payoff oh that it's all made up yeah yeah that's good you're like I'm joking about having it though not having it [ __ ] excuse me making love to a woman so I could make love to a woman who had herpes on there like others just won't it's amazing how many people like will there like until you just made that whole thing up right no I just chose the funniest way to say amazing one to me is when people think you made up like a super detailed story like a story yeah like people can they're like so you may like I had a story about meeting Mike Tyson and they're like you write all that up you make that up really creative if you could do that I mean you kind of want to be like yeah I think I'm creative but like you think I mean I've made up all the beats of like our Congress like that why would I like that yeah but I guess if you don't do it then you just they don't know don't let them see behind the curtain guys come on I know but I just weird it like you just know I was like what is like Louis got a plan like me I just do oh look at me yeah now does your mom do the thing where she when she gets her period she goes to the water the jacuzzi lakpha yeah I like that a lot my mom hasn't gotten a period since before Obama for sure Oh probably back and I like that idea you have to make it what is it 40 almost of natural water it's a measurement of natural water you need okay after you have your period you need seven clean days so no spotting no nothing count one two like popcorn when it pops and you're like three seconds ago one to pop okay start again one two three pop want you know what so you get seven clean days no spotting everything again spot starts over when you get seven clean days in you go to the mikvah ritual bath you can also use a lake or ocean because it's got plenty of water in there natural water but not like a pool it's got to be like a natural heavy rain water coming in I always think about whenever I hear these things like that it's crazy right no just the amount of effort didn't effort I guess we're all well let me tell you this in terms of like what you said like practicality yeah so period looks like three five days depends falling yeah dead seven clean days now your date 12 yeah so you're going to ovulate soon the next day go to mikvah 13 and now you're you haven't [ __ ] your husband in 1314 and you're at your most fertile yeah it's great it's actually a way of making carry a baby boy juice and it's not so can you like yeah I think also like just relationship was you guys go to a road so when you're apart make sure that when you're exactly like oh I can't wait to see you again is true versus you've seen a lot of doubles miksa you should hunt I do I like what does you say okay I got some good [ __ ] yeah what are you privately do you do anything like symbolically anymore like to you anything sighs masturbate in front of your family the food sack I still get off on that because I grew up with it but it's on home I'll sing their songs with them oh you know it just sounds really at this point but do they is everybody hears nothing how are they as far as they have they accepted your they are generative but my dad wants to also sheet onto the shoulder mark you know come with friends we know I feel bad like I went home so you say the grace after meals there's this if you have three or more men above thirteen there's an extra player say and one person says that everyone like joins in so you say like it's in Hebrew but you say like bless it up for giving us food and I was like yeah for real though like Thanksgiving here is like - totally yeah it's a back and forth a little bit yeah my dad's like you want to leave this one like members he's like no you read another book and I was like my moms like do it I'm like ah no but then as soon as I didn't know like what the [ __ ] is wrong with me yeah just not you know I'm not I'm not converting I've done it if I was at a Buddhist thing and they said can you be this thing I would have done it yeah so it's like that's because it's family into traditions what I mean like I don't bad about it yeah okay can we get back to the [ __ ] question at hand yeah he hasn't chosen sorry so hard I've never had somebody somebody really mulled all there is already the before and it's a during that's a friend after the during the complaining to them it's like course domestic what you doing re why now it's masturbation so taboo yes it is for your house it's not a normal thing it's not a natural occurrence meaning that's the double thing of you having Orthodox parents real is that you know that's off the table discussion why yeah I like white trash parents like why are you doing that outside you know right hey what's your choice what is it pressure baby I I think it's the homeless people yeah yeah I do think that yes no I think I chose the other one I chose doing it myself he's got good parents I could tell them afterwards the whole G like I wasn't into that right right right right now I understood I mean I I got it I I just I thought I rejected all the other come no I displaced the shame I prefer to put the shame on the other people one of the I'm not lasting already one not me it's them the og would you rather yeah well it's great when you come across a good one you're like I gotta numbers for next time oh this one is like from yeah he's like a six or seven year old one now I have one for you for me yeah you could do this to area with it okay Tommy would you rather would you rather have your mouth smell like beef why do our dog our blind dog gives us smells like my smelly food is my I wish the other one I look for you oh you don't want to like it now it's like a halibut [ __ ] funny it's horrible yeah okay so would you have either your mouth smells like beef or my mouth smells like beef yours why white really yeah but then you have to live with me and I'll have a garbage mouth yeah I know I just have you just kiss other parts you know yeah but that we remember owner in terms of like her feelings the perfect woman you loved like it'll be easier for you right easier for me to have your mouth don't have to smell his horrible mouth he's going to have a bad smelling mouth anyways cuz dad's dad mouth you're going to have dad mouth in like when you're 50 right don't dad's mouth smell like [ __ ] anyway like older guys now like a weird face ya know like the deodorant I put it on and they and they look like like older guy mouths would look like they're just decomposing look at it I feel like you look like a [ __ ] it's like a corpse already yeah see I feel like it'd be I be like can I get it anyway I think we would get to the point I'd be like you know how your mouth is so you would be like hey can I get a kiss I'd be like this how your cheek you know you kiss you over there the thief's mouth smells horrendous it does you wouldn't be able to sleep next to me like I couldn't sleep with my head next to your head on the pillow oh no the other bedrooms yeah I would just no I just be like face the other what you know you know yeah you know you face your wall yeah I would have you smell like thieves man I would have the math your wife is ebooks or thing yeah yeah the other person has that you can get around your [ __ ] day yeah I can have my life I want your life I would be talking to pee and you could I mean if they had like my dog if I had my dog brother people good hoof Jesus man what you want to mint and Roma strong enough you wouldn't be able to do anything I don't like beef mint yeah I have a serious one for you guys okay I'm serious which round would you rather never do stand-up ever again we're to put up Oh God God because I mean I plotted people about comedians this is who we are at the core so like split up but just did divorce but we can still see each other like split up meaning you're done on paper you're nice to each other yeah baby [ __ ] once a year yeah yesterday Oh how's it going how's things going with you when you drop them off now you the kids fine she's both the parents you guys are both amicable I mean oh it sucked but I'd have to I want our family together I don't want my kid to grow up the way I did terrible fine what about that support no it's not at what it's not good yeah split up but babe what well here's the thing you make you make a good living doing Santa you would really have to find another I mean the podcast is great too but that would really ruin your livelihood and our livelihood and I like jewelry you know what I'm saying we are split up now I get massages and stuff so white diamonds of course I got it for yesterday really my birthday present anything I don't know your birthday was your summer February it's coming no one cares about February what do you want to go in this [ __ ] anyway what true oh yeah oh yeah yeah I heard ectopy guy talking about your trip Lopez I wasn't hiring though yeah thanks man unless you say I'm thank you is mine I bought it thank you furs no it's ma'am beautiful casinos there's taste in jewelry is amazing what stuff [ __ ] man so I talked to Bart yeah Crisler yeah and the the the the Rio beast yeah yeah Bart Chrysler yeah so what is your opinion on his weight gains is man I don't know I was trying to spin this even when he took a shirt off for that thing and weight himself I'd not obese he still looked obese as [ __ ] you mean at the actual way yeah January 3rd I guess that's when I was little we look you saw him you saw him with me a few days ago yeah what do you think he looked like you looked well he doesn't look like a [ __ ] workout guy right but he said he definitely cut wait for the weigh-in right well we both caught water horse but like there's you put the water back on yeah and exactly it says his face doesn't look much different than he did way before yeah he's just so gross and like we were talking weeks on the back yeah pushed out where it's a hard if he lost weight you should have that foot that fold over yeah saying a little bit a little bit right do you feel like because he was saying I mean I'd like to get him back on a scale maybe I will throwing uh is he going to skank fest I don't know where he's going he's he's on the road a lot yeah if you if you were to describe he said that he was really upset what that people were saying he gained the weight back yeah well he no but he's upset about is that he came to lay back right I don't know maybe and I was like well you know he goes I have no here's what he said yeah it's a lot and I go dude he goes heard you said hey did tell me he was like [ __ ] Tom who's throwing up again to give the bleep hook yeah and people have been tweeting him really yeah like why did you get fat again looks good I'm on a scale ago yeah but I don't know you saw him and at least for our audience for me to tell difference to 220 and 240 yeah you know he's a nice guy you understand that but he's a tall guy he's over six feet tall well over six feet tall well over six one you know well into the six six feet so I think he's just under six one you're just under six feet but he's well over six feet Mitch a liar I can't believe I can't believe after asking for the [ __ ] measurement when you were well over an inch shorter than you said you were there was no I said I was six feet who said you were six one I didn't say six one you still always said it take one he said he was six one which turned out to be also not true yes so then they had to do new BM eyes yes but you guys both narrated anyway but that being said he is fat again sorry yes she is obese again yeah how do we know Bert we don't know we don't know just look at him I mean he's not doing anything that he's supposed to be doing to lose the weight but he managed it before I don't know how he did it before it's legal only cram for test and still Magica A's yeah that this isn't the way it's gonna work but it does his vision is it the Mickey Mantle gene mukesh to him you know I thought was really funny was that that was the phrasing of it where you go what was it it was good just good out of abuse let's just get out of here that's all you ever do just don't be oh be be overweight be overweight yeah talking medically obese and by the way he lacks the Lance of fun of faith and either of us was also here to do the only one you can do it I don't know you both do it no way yeah it's like if you really did have a good work out of it yeah for sure but I didn't think I don't want a mic can I ask you one thing it's so dumb and it's like such a minor dumb question but I've been thinking about it there was a time during their weigh-ins where Joe called you and you were abroad and he kept calling you and calling you and like you know I was I was a with comedians in New York we're out eating trans career I would I'd left the next day why did you not just answer the phone like you kept answer and then you'd hang up oh it's because of this because I have the new feature my phone is just moved by little don't answer in my pocket oh this whole time I'm like why would I do that I don't know why you would do that to somebody was my last was the first way and I waited so I guess midway through the second part that's when I left so weird yeah that's all it wasn't when I finally thought oh what I was kind of drunk with the guys okay I know like what a jerk why you stay on the phone yeah well it was it was like let me show you the way in here's the numbers like wait wait I need to know what the BMI is like what do they have to be way more downloading got word that we were basically whatever at or near that were you like [ __ ] like did you go a little bit also fun but okay I'm all about competition yeah I'm like I want the exact measurement yeah it was like the I did it I'm like man could slow down slow down yeah we do have the we have waitress you do not it by by the way after your new weight your new height yeah five something I'm bleep unbelievable okay yeah you were point 1/5 of an inch above obese if you were point one five point one five if you were if you were five eleven point seven instead of five eleven point a five you would be obese yeah so for the next day it's like hey man if he gains a pound back yeah I win the bet so I'll say like let me see the [ __ ] competition oh my god I've never shirked on a goddamn single best nightlife so what are we gonna do though what should we do let's do something August aw man I'm free I have a pretty busy fall that's miles let me ask you a question what what about in November me and and Burt will be in New Orleans going that Joker's cruise will be launching from there yeah so maybe something is November football season I say it in really fun um nobody really you know what would be really fun we have to put it off obviously a little bit yeah would be in probably end of January yeah I don't even know where it is like a look it up yeah the national championship game that'd be fun to go to basketball no wait whatever college football college football yeah that'd be good your huge sells football fan yeah okay it's always on a Monday end of all right yes that's great yeah okay let's do it we could do that put your Tim fi see you they have no chance next year they do no I mean that there would be a sort they're going to be a preseason top top ten yeah so there's a chance yeah there's a chance and by the way because they also open the season against Alabama that'd be the show they'll get theirs they'll get a pretty good jump up if they went out and they stopped it off they win that yeah they'll be like my conversation yeah yeah yeah that'd be good i I didn't I like the idea of going to Barcelona I'll be on Steve that was rooted in truth yeah I also knew how I have [ __ ] it kind of like but then when it was like actually like when we were like hey let's do it I was like that'll be super fun super fun yeah well made like a big like an air baby together I thought that'd be fun in Barcelona or Bali because they were play and the games ended up being like crazy good game oh really one of the UH one of them was I think one of them well that there was a big shocker because I guess they had they had multiple remarked you know yeah can to paint one estanque yeah so there was one big upset or I think Paris beat Barcelona but no one was expecting on the first one and I think there's a game after that we're Barcelona when you play for Barcelona yes yeah yeah yeah wow yeah that would've been fun it would have been fun man but anyways when I by the way I had my plan set up cuz you like a Wi-Fi first class I'm like you know what is your flight that's fine and I was already had a set like you're flying first class at Burt and I are in the back yeah by the way I know they would have harassed me who would have Bert oh yeah he would have been like what'd he do it was good for exactly what I have no doubt to be told you can't be up here and he was been so upset to be in coach so upset I'm select the middle suit I was going to get him oh god the worst yeah we have to do we'll have to do like a so temperature K would be pretty me look at everything yeah me see what yeah absolutely okay is that soccer yeah now definitely split up that would be a cool one for sure and then I can finally stop getting comments on all my [ __ ] everything I posed that's gonna call me a well sure yeah an upcoming game it will be played in Atlanta Atlanta when you marry a hey can we go to the vortex and get that peanut butter banana burger absolutely and it's a new stadium like a new state of the art over a billion dollar stadium yeah [ __ ] you yeah that could be fun okay what is it January 31st January 8th dinner ace yes is that cold I think way early no no no that's right they do the New Year's Eve stuff I don't know it doesn't snow there in Atlanta it can vary it gets cold but not that cold not that cool oh yeah I'd like to what we're good yeah yeah okay you guys you want to go do that yeah that could be a thing yeah let's do it I'll not schedule everything ahead of time now all right so it'll probably go for like the week the weekend you gotta go for a couple days yeah yeah just land goes yeah championship game but yeah we'll go for earless even goes Sunday and then stay Monday Tuesday Wednesday something yeah two bandits banger because we do like the fishing or some I would have we can figure out so much okay hell yeah that'll be great okay nice right I hope I kill myself before that's what I'm actually pay it off so cheap oh so I might have to get two seats for Burke if he keeps going at this rate that's totally true no enormous yes he though I wonder if it's just that you know we always see him shirtless we never see him that was my theory by the way but windows true when he told me he goes when he said like everyone saying I go straight back I go dude every place you go you don't have a shirt on most people not even like forget obese like the average person shirtless is it isn't like wow you look great you know what can I tell you but maybe a retort to that yeah I'll take my shirt off constantly yeah Manhattan anywhere I see items shirts off for sure sun's out guns out you know yeah and uh when I have my shirt off especially after I got that beep like oh man you so tan jewel is wait right and with him there saying did you gain weight it's just because the baseline product isn't good right right alright so like like no same buddies before like you okay now I will say that I will say this yeah I walk around all the time shirtless yeah it's not going to be compliments men no it's not going to shine but it ya know but like most people have the sense - him wonder how the night waves I want I want to go to scale what would your guess be if you had a guess right now I don't know - 90 I don't think it's the way I even I know that's really hot man she's like is that got to be off by like 10 pounds I don't know man it's gotta be like - 78 to 80 I think that is that real so really every day the way back he's not above 240 yeah but but he waited it I think - 20 yeah no - 22 you had to - 19 the well the final day I was - 16 and 0 to 20 I think yeah yeah I would just love that she I didn't we did the BMI and Rover have to go [ __ ] the booth thing the boo thing that Evan grants for Carol yeah that's really hard if you lose weight and drink whenever I see a woman especially the comedy scene and suddenly it's like when I would seen them take some it's like hey you look great like what are you doing it's 90% of time stop stop drinking absolutely that's the one thing you can't you can't do both man you can't lose weight Anna I was I was gaining weight when I was traveling for the first like about month uh-huh and I was like my getting pudgy rs.10 making sense I mean like no processed foods I'm activist [ __ ] yeah and my friends like Chang wait drinking beers year two and year is really awesome it is like 20 ounces for like a dollar and he is a psycho though where he will go you know serialism okay if you if you go on his like Instagram it's like every night he's like I gotta borrow you 40 people have see buddy then up and the next day he goes and he runs he does yeah so he negates the damage he does that self regulating thing where he's like I'm brooding tonight but you're in California right okay I'll do the five miles yeah you can't exercise your liver though yeah yeah no I asked him two years from now oh god he's so great yeah it's a good car got it leasing them we shot a living memorial for him like a living funeral eggs we can really feel his friends come out yeah we should have you to do it before his heart attack what vulnerable but like let's how to living more in Atlanta but booking for a show I'm gonna do this show and then when he shows up just have like the big photo I mean I was underneath oh yeah that would be great and had people just have fun were music playing yeah the intervention is that it yeah you like you know this a real bummer to be so upset yeah for a little outf are gonna miss you yeah it's too real lows too close yeah the reality did you ever have like a horrible office corporate job yeah yeah templates up to the Health Network you guys are really like cool law firm stuff getting to know each other [Music] no look at the people fairly topic um and so everybody's doing this Wow all better overworked well guy wrote in the he had he had amenities he wrote in that he was like my name is Kevin yeah and I killed a man and he really did things stuck because he was in Afghanistan yeah but his like the first thing that came to mind was I killed a man he said it looks big for him at what and but like everyone stopped me like um me bro yeah we got through the ice yeah somebody hey sent a yeah booyah I knew one of these and now we're Shibuya [ __ ] dumb why people [ __ ] I hope you have a flip and I said [Applause] oh my god I mean and then it's like then he like says are we jeez you're going to be a cashier window yeah wow thanks thanks for the [ __ ] endorsement an old dad outfit by the way we bought my jeans tucked in yeah t-shirt and the Denver shoes those Denver rugged sneaks well see people wearing really good look awesome yeah man was my dog what is NEX I a thousand of of something oh yeah yeah all right a black man this guy they've all my dad jeans on look at this dork here with his wife sneakers dad Jean do you think the one next to that guy up to his right see that's it yeah no yeah that one no no the girl the lady yeah do you think uh I think she's like the office like [ __ ] yeah she's a hot girl people of hook up with our drama oh yeah there's always look at hockey oh my god one first I'd kill myself was so through I think oh we and then use here he did manage to make a verse that that held the it did good Kate and open everything yet yeah sure something really different you know it's a bummer I was it's like another marketing song from a convention for for convention showing you things you like gotta get engagement photos from my life my cat my kids some bacon my son and tweet it to you tell me grow my clouds a great boys hummus better is good so connect with me [Music] Wow I get my cat my kids someday social that guy does not have a though he wrote it he wrote that song oh really yeah Milli Vanilli oh sure yeah now the bummer I was going to say about that Walmart one yeah it's like look you take a job at Walmart at least I would for the chill factor like you know not a lot of heavy responsibility you clock in you clock out you don't have no one [ __ ] watching you and then to have to suffer through that corporate nonsense it takes the whole fun out of working there in the first place I would love at that point I would love to see the end of that video when he's like whatever class and somebody goes hey man I quit put your hand back down and walk out yeah the guy that goes like almost seen these [ __ ] songs yeah yeah yeah yeah that's enough to work here place that up yeah with that song over his like dude I won't do this Ronnie I'm your manager you don't do any 100k Zombo you know like a really enthusiastic thing I'm gonna be a cashier one day all right he was it better in terms of like letting you know because it should have been it was a real song is we like two more verses yes so he let me know with the hand off that this song is over he did a way better job in The Groundlings ooh yeah it's like ending something true he knew there was there was a time limit yeah yeah [Music] why did I go together that was really good I drew them later thank you very that is a two of them later why would he not know he does not sound good on that yeah social not very I'm trying to I had a I used to work at a company called world link that sold airtime for infomercials it was really bad 95 and I remember they used to just have us come in and on quarterly meetings and then they would go over the earnings and then we'd have to clap at the earnings and you'd like it but I'm making $5 an hour late I'm clapping for this [ __ ] CEO sixty-eight million in products like awesome man hahahahaha the guy's great but they didn't have these demeaning shibuya is in session shibuya we had icebreaker that was like in like dorm jobs well right although I hate situations where they go we're going to go around the room and say your name and like something I did in post-production like where you get the whole together and I go around you had Tom post coordinator hi and I like and what was your favorite thing to it's really just unduly punishes the introverts I had in yeah I took an acting class in college and we had to go around doing the same thing you split up into twos and then do something interesting about yourself where you from and then you report on the other person so I was like to the person the woman doing me I was like I want so I'm just gonna make something up like I don't sure whatever so I said that I wanted the price is right and I bid $1 and then there was still one got to go and he bid $2 and he ended up winning and there were two football players in the class yeah it was an easy a and so the lady said interviewed me was like okay Ari's once on The Price is Right he bid $1 and then the guy after the $2 and one and the full players like man [ __ ] because me a bad [ __ ] you know I was trying to do you know what I was trying to do oh my god well I mean it's fake but the rules would you shouldn't be doing $1.00 with the still people that they go yeah Wow we still worked up for me black eye yeah yeah sound like yeah figure someone bit but Danny ecwid sing too oh yeah Hitler pain black eye in my acting class you got something lips so humor caper uh the guy that did your mom's house song I don't we got a lot of songs but he did it like like an actual real song about he did another one but he shot like a video oh my god let's see it so this is it's alright going back to our house and we shot up the main mommy are you like when Tom Cruise calm now ranch calm your mom's house podcast calm suck your mom's house amazon banner eat up your mom's house go back to your mom's house go back to your mom's house I'm going through your mom how that was great yeah go all the of the lingo Oh max name what you Pro now I'm just asked it's not sexual I'm just glass and I'm trying to got damage they call me duct tape oh my non-binary [ __ ] lay on the crack like I don't wanna sing that can't barking I use the bathroom that your mom's had to hold my nose about I had to take a [ __ ] hold up I got something to say hey I really was just like the guest hey June huh show me how to run it [ __ ] like my Bristol stool chart on seven diamonds on the strip itself you push you over you denim I met your mama dip's ago wouldn't a handicaps all this was champion if I had becoming my boss I'm going to Wow now back to your mom's house go back to you mind going back to your mom's house I'm going into it or no I like to have in common laughing I'm I like that hilarious go back to your mom's house Jeanne rocking the bottle of peach your mama anyone believe I'll call you from the potty who's been talking [ __ ] we'll listen to some mommy music cool stuff take a five string water natural Michael oh yeah no one tell me know what I mean my dad's on the stuff in the winter machine mr. blocker girls had the better love life I got a bad bike she never on the come strike we [ __ ] at the modern-day coffee and a couple triple D's clucks no no my promo Danny I said I got a question want to ask y'all would you rather be [ __ ] get jerked by your grandpa there you go Wow go back to you Milo going back this is an amazing great I'm going to your mom mom going back to your mom's house go back to your mom's whistles I love that slow the winds off caper that was amazed that would really oh yeah yeah yeah breeds ahead of time he'd like to go to Amazon link and fun yeah what ideally he wrote us a note taking a [ __ ] I wrote a little song made a video hope you liked it had a blast recording filming writing editing it I hope it makes it on the show I left the third verse open for the mommy rappers to rap on I love you have any questions keep those jeans high and tight thanks for last word is fat again that's the new mantra burn fat again maybe the next name thank you so much paper that would really make his last name that again yeah burst out again per fat against love hey Ari I have a question for you you know how when you go to fart but you [ __ ] and it's called a shart but what about when you go to take a [ __ ] and you only fart what's that called not fit fit that's a good one we haven't read that one so what a thump apart dump yeah no son how does that happen to you guys a lot attendant do want to have there's new submissions oh in here there is something no I like in poster or Sharklets by the way somebody this is a new one are you ready for this someone said if you feel this [ __ ] but only fart you had yourself a fit yeah someone says it sorry someone says it's de Jean poo we call it a McConaughey do so failure to launch oh and this one's great jag wrote try areia favorite really I think it's try areia a few weeks of submission that is try real yeah I like impostor charlatans and try areia and posters really funny god yeah water ball huh water bowl for no you got to get yourself a dog they won't like oh my god do I go the road oh you you believe you don't don't send them to a kennel I have a guy on the east side do you live oh but you're in New York exclusively now yeah there's people that you can take me to its normal yeah well we'll talk fart mistress concept for you Oh number because you're going to do so here's the thing we're talking about is that I should be I should have been doing fart videos when we were poor in 2008 I easily could have done it and I was thinking of four videos yeah fart mistress calm no look for like just like part it's not sorry porn you just fart like feel like that lady easy meeting head yeah click $300 right there nice what do you put on on a website hey webcam stuff yeah money for nothing checks for free yeah I'd do that any um wow I mean I Wow yeah it's a great way to Mexico I'm saying and that guys want to see girls do do it anyway in any way home I have the perfect scenario for make to make you for your public queen a stripper debut you never find the longest escalator or moving sidewalk and I try to go the whole way I think they're saying both fart past people to get their reaction yes I did this before at Disney World and for man-ho Florida to several groups of unsuspecting mommies I would pay to watch this oh my god that farts shame and disgust all the making of real retirement you do the math bye mommy thanks gene Ethan fart the fart mistress will consider the submission yeah yeah I farted check it over try re I'm sorry here we go oh yeah you like to read uh uh-huh stomp she's looking at it again she just kept raising right I agree it would've been funnier though the next sentence in the [ __ ] story yeah yeah like a monster see this is easy peasy it is easy money it's not that I wouldn't you do it you should do it well it's very natural though right it's supposed to be fetish yeah I think you guys are onto something which was spark Metris idea a couple ideas I had a fart mistress Ford he gets pulled over and has to fart her way out of it we should write some fart fart like like long-form is fart misters pregnant or just gassy a trip to the doctor and fart mistress meets Bigfoot you'll never guess what happens next thanks for the taking the time to read this I wish you luck in your fart misters endeavors best regards the butt plug connoisseur man Cady hey have you ever gotten a colonoscopy no opposed to yeah and so I got one too look at those [ __ ] hemorrhoids yeah they blow air into your rectum so it's like wide open yeah and then I look at whatever they got a look at and then afterwards you just pull of hair and so you feel like if this ship you don't and then you fart for about two straight days really yeah just farting out air but crazy fart graze you should charge for your next one and have like a live feed of that fart and people can pay to watch not about it really alive what strange ona actually right from there and I was like I had to lie on the ground just fart the whole time oh you capitalized yeah oh thank god okay uh mention some of you guys yeah sure that I have drank a full glass of water and this full bottle of Fiji and you guys have not even come close well yeah but when you hydrate constantly I mean I had that and there's coffee nothing I peed already so like another one you know anyway huh I'm done whatever done been done for a minute okay was the trick current champion yeah I am oh really please I'm also the observation champ but that's another thing we'll go into later we're going to do we're going to wrap this up just let people know again the special coming out double negative children and adulthood on Netflix July July 1 8 sly 1 8 less hi and then are you working on are you already working on building your next night yeah ok my next special is gonna be all about Judaism I decided oh really yeah I'm going to really try to like flush that out and exercise it are you going to do it like in a Collin way where it's like a almost like one-man show yeah I'm going to look at it I mean I got to a couple years in Edinboro so I really sort of like been influenced by those one man was like see and type show yeah but I'm work out of clubs and like make it like funny like American stand-up yeah really all you want but like yeah Colin be a good one the way Neal Brennan did three mics is just interesting yeah I'll watch a lot of stuff like that and see how I'll figure out a mixture between like stories laws and like tradition great exciting awesome and foreign to that yeah I got about like 20 now it's pretty shitty early on but I mean but it's but it started and you know it'll get this yeah so wait what's the name of the new special say it again double- double negative and it's a double feature yeah yeah it's a double feature like a double album yeah will it play as one it'll plays to one stops to the next we'll just like automatically start playing almost like a new episode yeah it's forward if you just watch one and then leave the 45 and 45 so they're like manageable time smart to do not 60 60 yeah smart I think so yeah also it's too hard to get a crowd to like really be in for an hour yeah you talked about this right for now for two hours I mean two hours a lot yeah for comedy yeah yeah and then if you don't play it on Netflix when you come back like to want to resume playing you know just like any stop watching house of cards to presume that you want to resume are you sure those double negatives I would show house of cards I'm gonna heard of it kids right how's it far sorry and uh are you into the new season I stopped the first year oh you did some good of him talking to me just seemed like I really enjoy it yeah no it was good when I watched it I actually liked I just were yeah we can try like seven episodes is gasps in total no no I was the new season yeah all right we got to go that you guys can listen to the show thanks for having me you guys got a lot going on here wrong kind of houses ago or something a long life yeah I think I was on this podcast in three different places oh yeah Redbury apartment that's right all right your your beach house yeah yeah Redondo and uh yeah now and Silver Lake may be surreal no you are on I think was in the silver lake house and we had a Theo pian food wafting through because our neighbor was we shared walls right now at a place right yeah yeah yeah I was I was gonna go on the back it's fine that was a good time all right all times are good times are you gonna be on the road at all or no you just show nah I'll be in Montreal no I'll be my show the NASA show I'm hosting that show okay Jay Robert Kelly Godfrey Jimmy Carr it's a good show yeah it's a really good show yamaneika sweet all right I'll see you guys thanks for listening lots of love yeah I love you mommy so thanks [Music] talking real car that it's [Music] we're talking to your car but it's all start talking real part that it's not talking real car [Music] [Music] [Music] and we're talking real part at a five five five [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 933,583

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast, Ari Shaffir, jew clam, would you rather, abroad, welcher, bet, weight loss, bert kreischer, wiping, brown talk

Id: cl7k1zZbylI

Length: 162min 14sec (9734 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 20 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/CircleBoatBBQ]

VERY high and tight

[u/JLHumor]

Can't wait. Such dedication. Fires and Thanksgiving can't stop the mommies.