IMPERIAL TROOPER: Glory to the empire and
to this video’s sponsor World Anvil! Hey guys. Don’t worry about me. I’m doing fine. Just here to give every writer a video on
writer self care. Because I’m like a master at self care. And writers tend to be really bad at it. In fact, everyone seems really bad at it these
days. But worry not, because I am here to lead all
writers to proper self care. Skeptical? [takes long swig of writer’s
tears] I’m a person on the internet. You can trust me. Clearly I’ve gotten everything together. Especially the cherry picked parts I chose
to put on social media that reinforce that image. It’s not like my entire life is a shallow
facade that could crack under even the most casual glance. No, I can hide all of that behind a thin veil
of false confidence. But hey! Most people won’t know the difference so
let’s do this! Now why do writers in particular need an episode
on self care? It is because writers are statistically more
prone to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and suicide? It is because that mainstream culture has
a bad habit of romanticizing the self-destruction and suffering of writers and other creative
types? Actually its because I care. I care so much that I’m going to exploit
this para-social relationship for my own ends! Which is good because being way too invested
in a para-social relationship is definitely the first good step on proper self care. It certainly isn’t because I plan to cynically
exploit the bottomless need for self help videos and articles that litter the internet
so I can get a piece of that pie! Besides, if they can pollute the internet
with useless fluff pieces on connecting with your feelings then so can I! Now we should first start with the basics. Proper self care is much like proper writing
in that the best practice is to take shortcuts and give in to impulse at every opportunity. Much like writing, proper self care doesn’t
require active effort and thought, but instead can be finessed in ways that allows one to
indulge without consideration of long term consequences. If this leads to poor results then don’t
worry, being a writer is all about being a brooding, miserable person because that’s
deep and complex. Because sitting around and feeling sorry for
yourself is super romantic in fiction and most definitely not a huge turn off in real
life. Not that I speak from experience or anything. I’m great at parties! The best thing about writing is that it can
be done at home in private. This means that the writer is free to neglect
every other aspect of their life. I can wear sweatpants to work! My job is the best. That also means that I can completely neglect
my hygiene and grooming. I can write and look like a slob while ignoring
that I’m slowly getting into the habit of looking like a slob 24/7! I haven’t bathed in like, I don’t know,
half a year, 2 years? And now people don’t want to talk to me
for some reason. Wonder why? Can’t be me. Now that my hygiene is a mess, the next best
step in self care is to transform my external environment to represent my internal one. Be sure to let your writing desk become increasingly
cluttered with junk and even food crumbs. Or even better, just leave half empty soda
cans on your workstation for weeks and weeks until the things living in them develop bronze
tools. For extra points, allow this slovenly lack
of housekeeping to extend to the entire house and let my living space descend into squalor. Unless I’m editing of course. Then all of the sudden household chores become
priority number 1 because at least I’m not editing. But its not enough to completely neglect both
body and environment, but a writer should also discard any concern about their mental
well being as well. And as we all know the internet is an easy
place maintain good mental health and isn’t a machine that has basically monetized suffering
on a global scale. It is important that all writing sessions
be constantly interrupted by frequent doom scrolling. It should be easy to maintain a positive outlook
in a place awash with poser cynics and alarmist doom mongering clickbait articles. Man all of this reality is bringing me down. Maybe I need way to cope? And by cope I mean pick up new bad habits. In the battle against self-destruction the
best strategy is to give self-destruction all of the weapons it needs to use against
you like drugs and alcohol. Besides I get super creative when I’m abusing
substances. Is this because drugs and alcohol often remove
inhibitions and thus dull my inner critic? Of course not. Obviously these substances just magically
make me more creative and not sound like a complete idiot who lacks a filter. You know, with all of these bottles piling
up I’m starting to think I might need professional help. Now the best thing about professional help
is to simply assume that the professionals will fix all of my problems for me without
any effort on my part! Surely I can just get a pill that can magic
away most of my problems! Best to assume that therapy will fix my deep
seated personality issues rather than simply provide me with a new perspective that might
allow me to better manage my conditions. Professionals can only meet me halfway and
then I can just sit at the halfway point before discarding all of their treatment plans. I don’t need ongoing treatment, I need an
instant fix that doesn’t require me to actually do anything myself. Just like I don’t need a consistent sleeping
schedule! Now working at night can actually be a pretty
good time to set aside for writing since no one is going to bother you. That of course means that it gives a writer
a great excuse to completely ruin their sleep schedule. And then wonder why I’m tired all the time. Can’t be that I vary my sleep patterns by
three to four hours every day and that the most exercise I’ve ever gotten was struggling
to open a candy bar wrapper. Sedentary lifestyle is the life! Nothing like sitting around and watching as
my mind and body wither from an excessive diet of junk food and reality television. Cook an actual decent meal every once in a
while? Actually pay my bills on time? Nah. Just let everything keep piling up until it
all comes crashing down in a beautiful cascade of self inflicted catastrophe. I’ll just be sure to alienate all friends
and family beforehand because safety nets are for weak willed losers who actually admit
vulnerability. Not like the cool collected cynic I am. Besides, I have to keep pretending I have
everything together by constantly posting how great everything is on social media and
give my audience the impression that I alone possess the secret to happiness and fulfillment. Though behind the veil I am in fact a self
destructive narcissistic mess that’s addicted to the cycle of positive reinforcement that
social media platforms use to maximize their ad revenue. I must have those internet points that are
worth a whole zero dollars and zero cents! How else will I judge my value as a person? Now if you have properly followed my instructions
a writer should be an exhausted, isolated, stressed out, anxious, substance abuser, with
numerous health issues, and on the verge of a complete meltdown. Some will obviously question my flawless advice
and point out that this is a bad thing because having a mental breakdown is the last thing
most people would want, especially a public meltdown. See. That’s where they’re wrong. The best thing about having a meltdown is
when it’s public because people will eat that up! Gather round! Gather round! And watch this fame addicted writer completely
lose it! Normally when having a complete breakdown,
the best thing to do is to back far far away from the internet, find a calm safe place
to process your emotions, call someone you trust, get some fresh air and just relax for
a moment, or if things are really bad then call a suicide hot line. But if I do that then I can’t monetize my
descent into madness as I rant my thoughts unfiltered onto the internet so they can be
preserved for all eternity, probably on a wiki somewhere. When in doubt, lash out! Not only does this drama drum up views and
attention, but it feeds an entire industry of people desperate to live vicariously through
internet drama. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m
feeling terrible about how awful the world is, nothing reignites my optimism quite like
watching another human being mentally implode. Yeah this will alleviate the bitter cynicism
that keeps my life stagnate and happiness out of my reach. Remember that one can’t simply pull themselves
up from a dark place without first pushing someone else down since mental stability is
a zero sum game. Clearly sanity in the modern world is something
that we have fight a battle royal for. Now with all this negativity is there any
way a writer can draw from these bad experiences for their own writing? Of course not! That would require introspection and the ability
to process negative emotions when the better method is to simply repress them! That’s 100% healthy. When people say “write what you know”
what they really mean is “write what I’ve already seen in other stories because it seemed
to work for them”. What a bad idea it would be to draw from dark
real life experiences as it might make my writing feel emotionally authentic and even
create empathy with the audience. Writing is at its worst when it makes people
actually feel something other than a vague sense of vicariously lived wished fulfillment. No one enjoys stories for emotional catharsis. This is why it’s far better as a writer
to completely isolate themselves from the world and just stay in inside all the time
pausing only to hiss at anyone who gets too close. Just like a feral caged animal, um… I mean a super focused writer! Yes humans are social creatures, but writers
have transcended humanity and thus no longer need to bother to go out in the world and
like talk to someone? Anyone? Even if just for a little bit? Now with all of this free time I can finally
spend almost all of my time writing right? Well no. I do plan to start writing again once my decades
long pity party is over. I’m sure I’ll find time to write rather
than making time to write. No big deal. It’s not like the act of writing is self
care. Expressing creativity or doing anything other
than sitting around and indulging in negative emotions and bad habits runs the risk of breaking
the self destructive cycle by replacing bad habits with good ones. This could lead to a high effort lifestyle
where I would have spend all of this time actually taking care of myself rather than
just sitting around waiting for things to magically get better. Proper self care is all about taking the right
approach and attitude. It’s all about accepting that the world
is a bleak and uncaring place and then stubbornly refuse to realize that same uncaring world
also has a lot of tools to build what you want. So long as one avoids using those tools and
taking an active approach when it comes to self care then the writer free to blame their
problems on “the world” or “society” and is thus free of all responsibility while
also sounding deep and soulful. Yes sometimes outside conditions beyond their
control do indeed trap people in self destructive cycles. But since I can’t control the whole world
I might as well give up trying to take care of myself as well as callously disregard the
feelings and well being of those around me! If my life is miserable I might as well spread
the misery around. Even better, failing at self care gives a
writer a way to weaponize their condition in order to shutdown all criticism, including
good faith criticism of their negative behavior. My condition excuses me from basic moral standards
no matter how many bridges I burn. Then when people do actually try to help me
they can eventually throw their hands up in frustration and walk away from the project
that never ends. Because that is what self care is which is
why only a sucker would bother with it. Best to shove that off on someone else and
then just keep jumping from relationship to relationship like a parasite that drains the
emotional well being of others. See all of those negative thoughts about myself
were right because of the actions I chose to do. I wonder if there is a way to do that in reverse
by choosing positive actions to achieve self care? What do you think bottle? The bottle says no. IMPERIAL GENERAL: My Emperor, we will arrive
shortly at Megacorp’s HQ! EMPEROR: Excellent! We made good time thanks to all of these new
recruits. You there! New recruit. What’s your name? DARK LORD: I am the DARK LORD!… Wait. What would a faceless minion say? Uh I mean I have no name. I am a disposable minion that will either
die by the hero’s hand to make them look cool or die by your hand to make you look
evil. EMPEROR: These new recruits are sharp. They have this minion thing down! DARK LORD: Huh. Is this what I’ve been doing to my minions
this entire time? No wonder they have no motivation. IMPERIAL GENERAL: My Emperor! A Federation battle fleet is approaching! GENERAL CHAINSAW: Yes! IMPERIAL GENERAL: Oh wait! Never mind. Looks like their budget ran out. They’re heading back. GENERAL CHAINSAW: NO! EMPEROR: Ha! Spineless bureaucrats! Speaking of which, contact Megacorp so that
I may demand their surrender before I blow up their planet. CULT LEADER: Don’t you mean to demand their
surrender “OR” you’ll blow up their planet? EMPEROR: I know what I said! MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE RECORDING: Thank you
for calling Megacorp customer service. All of our available operators are currently
busy and will be with you shortly. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance. Do you have a problem? Megacorp Zombies can solve that problem. Zombies solve all problems by turning them
into more zombies. Protect your investment by letting it multiply
and… MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Thank you for
calling Megacorp customer service, my name is Steve how can I assist you today? EMPEROR: I am the Emperor! My fleet will soon enter orbit over Megacorp
HQ! Surrender the sponsors to me and then be destroyed! MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Thank you for
your interest in Meagcorp defense products. So if I understand you correctly you need
assistance with our Megacorp death fleets? I am correct? Would you also be interested in a Megacorp
zombie bioweapon? EMPEROR: What? No! MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Understood. I’ll add a zombie to your total. So far you have a Mega Fleet, Mega Zombie
starter pack, as well as a 4 year protection plan on all Mega products. EMPEROR: I didn’t want the protection plan! MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Of course sir. I’ll up that to an 8 year protection plan
no problem. That also comes with a complete premium subscription
to our Mega service. With our Mega service you can... EMPEROR: Look, Steve. I’m just here to take the source of the
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40 % off any 12 month membership. Link is in the description below. Do you see now, Steve? Do you think Megacorp can stand against such
power? You shall share the same fate as all those
foolish enough to follow in the path of customer service. Death! MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: Sir, as a Megacorp
Custom Service Representative, I pray for the sweet release of death. However if you have a complaint I can switch
you over to someone better able assist you. EMPEROR: Finally. MEGACORP CUSTOM SERVICE REP: I’ll switch
over to the zombie department. MEGACORP ZOMBIE: Brains…. EMPEROR: This is getting us nowhere! General! Prepare your troops for a ground assault!
