A long sigh is a great way to start an apology
video! So some of you may have expected my usual
colorful, animated style, but for an apology video I feel I needed to address my audience
in a more ‘genuine’ way. Because nothing says genuine and authentic
quite like the acting classes I took! Now some might also be wondering why a channel
that deals in terrible writing advice would make a video on apologies. I’m just getting ahead since I will no doubt
inevitably screw up in the PR department and be forced to issue a career saving apology. Perhaps I let fly a racial slur and only the
blood of my career with sate the righteous anger if the internet’s denizens. Perhaps I suffered a concussion and thought
that a Terrible Writing Advice on sexual assault tropes was great idea! Maybe someone finally found the beaten and
starving ghost writers I keep chained up in my basement that write these episodes. Regardless of the reasons I need to apologize
to save my hide and I thought I might as well teach other writers to do their own apology
videos because in these times absolutely no one is too obscure that one day they might
wake up to find an internet hate mob at their door. I’m sorry, but must teach everyone how to
do an apology video. Now after the long the sigh, the first thing
needed for an apology video is to not apologize. This is very important. The first point in any apology video is to
state that I am very sorry that other people were offended by what I did or said. The important thing to remember is that I
am always the victim here and that I am entitled to everyone’s sympathy. What needs to be done to earn this sympathy? By being the victim obviously and certainly
not by explaining any extenuating circumstances in a clear and easy to understand way! People on the internet said very mean things
about me after all and that is totally equivalent to misleading millions of under aged fans
to a gambling website or using a position of power and authority to solicit young women
through blackmail. Speaking of those awful things, the next phase
of the apology video should be filled to the brim with weak excuses and shallow justifications. There is no excuse for what I did, but I’m
going to offer those excuses anyway. It’s okay that I embezzled hundreds of thousands
of dollars because I deserved it since the company was dumb enough to let me manage their
money. Yes I emotionally abused my employees, but
they shouldn’t have been so weak. And I had no idea that exposing yourself to
fan during a private meetup in a hotel room wasn’t okay. I mean, how was I suppose to know that? It’s not like our culture has a deep, shared
taboo of nudity that would have given me the context needed to understand my behavior was
inappropriate. Everyone else was doing it so that makes it
okay when I do it! Young men in their late 50s just didn’t
know any better. Wait! I got it. I’m depressed. Hiding behind depression can be a very important
go to tactic when it comes to staving off the Internet's vengeance and provide an easy
out for any and all reprehensible actions. I’m not worried about real people who suffer
from depression calling me out. What are they going going to do? They’re depressed. Speaking of depressing, let’s check that
like to dislike bar to see how things are going. Whoa! Not so good. Maybe I should pick something else? Something obscure. I know everyone is angry about that video
where I made a homeless man twerk while I’ll rained dollar bills on him, but in my defense
I suffer from Eosinophilic esophagitis? Well that sounds bad so I’m sure it will
win me lots of sympathy points and easily wave away any and all past transgressions. Wow. I sure am looking around a lot almost like
I am searching for a way out, anyway out of this freaking mess! Too bad for me that I need to stretch out
this video for more ads. Is it tasteless to use an apology video to
generate ad revenue? You bet. Shameless even, but I’m going to do it anyway
because apology videos, like most online drama, is solid freaking gold in terms of views and
traffic. After all, I’m not here to really apologize
for the thing I did, but to add another notch to my precious brand. Speaking of which, let’s check the engagement,
um I mean dislike bar again. Oh man, this still isn’t going very well. I don’t think people are buying it and might
see through my self-serving ad placements and the petty rationalizations. I need a new tactic. Well what I did might be bad, but other people
have done worse! See. I just deflected onto someone else. Pick another pseudo celebrity to rail against,
preferably someone high profile with a lot of baggage, who can make me look good in comparison. The modern world is full of awful people that
can help me lower that apology bar so I can step right over it. Yes whatever my transgression is will not
be erased, but that’s not the point. The point is to distract everyone. This can also be just as easily accomplished
by talking about some other greater societal ill or problem. Just remember to not accidentally and concisely
frame your transgression against real problems in a way that sets everything into perspective. The goal is to deflect externally, not reflect
internally. That not working? Well that was just the first punch. Now for the follow up. You see, I may be an immoral scumbag who did
something unspeakable, but I intend to use this experience to grow as a person. You see I learned a lot about not getting
caught and where I need to look to improve myself and to help those around me. I am truly awakened to full harm I have caused
and I will change for the better. I mean I won’t, but that doesn’t sound
as good. Okay. Let’s see if that worked! Nope! I need to break out the big guns! Better bring on the tears! Crocodile tears is the best bet for swaying
the audience. Bawling like a bratty child is an instant
method to win over a group of people sick of your immature antics. Admittedly, this mostly works if you are cute
and a girl. Guys just have to settle for speaking with
a shaky voice. Can’t cry on command? Just watch Shawshank Redemption, that always
turns on the waterworks. There is got to be an Adobe After Effects
plugin that makes fake tears. Has all of that failed? Is creating a video to apologize too much
work? Well then its time to turn to the corporate
apology. We deeply apologize for the harm we have caused. The actions of those who did this are not
in line with our core values. We will strive to do better in the future
and set in place systems to prevent such an occurrence from happening again. See! You can fit that into a tweet. I’m am sure those 230 characters will make
up for the tens of thousands of children our company poisoned because we greased a few
palms in the FDA to push our product through without proper testing. Which brings us to the best way to handle
an apology video. You see, there is an easy trick of escaping
this whole mess without the need for an apology video at all. To do this, the first and most important step,
don’t skip this part, is to be a mega, super rich billionaire. Uh, so get on that. Then all one has to do is build a massive
wall made out of cash and man that wall with the best PR department and spin doctors money
can buy all while hiding your identity behind a large, faceless corporation. This is what we call ‘easy mode’. If things get really bad, then ruthlessly
sacrifice… um I mean ‘let go’ of a couple middle managers. Yeah, just throw a couple of stooges to the
wolves. That should placate the Internet's endless
career blood lust for a few days at least. See? That was painless... for me. Boy. It’s a good thing that doesn’t happen
to people without access to near endless financial resources or who lack a pre established audience. That would be near impossible to comeback
from especially if they have no experience understanding narratives. Because creating an apology video is all about
controlling the narrative and the narrative that needs to be cultivated is one that shows
weakness and confirms guilt not one that lays out the evidence in a clear and concise manner
and allows for the audience to make up their own mind. But what if one finds themselves having to
make an apology video even though no heinous act was committed? I know this is far fetched. When has the majority been in the wrong before? That would never happen just like the people
on the internet loosing all sense of perspective. Still, theoretically, If one sincerely believes
that they didn’t do anything wrong then the best thing to do is to abandon one’s
principles as soon as possible and grovel like the spineless, greedy brand slave that
they are! Because an apology video isn’t about apologizing,
but rather a stopgap public relations measure to patch up the short term subscriber loss. No one makes an apology video to defend their
values, principles, morals, choices, or anything else. They are here to defend something far more
important; the brand! But uh, I really do sincerely feel bad for
whatever horrible thing I did to merit making an apology video. I am so so sorry. I promise to do better. I swear to you from the bottom of my heart
that from this moment on, I will not be greedy, petty, or self serving. That I truly have changed into someone who
is authentic and honest. I would never cynically use an apology video
to push my brand because I am above that. Because I have apologized. So don’t forget to check out my merch. Also be sure to like and subscribe! Ring that notification button! Should I have spaced those out more?
