ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: This episode of Terrible
Writing Advice is sponsored by Skillshare. Which originally belonged to me! If it’s too good to be true then it’s
probably time to stop being so negative. Between the publishing industry, agents, writing
contests, and marketing teams, a writer’s life is full of exciting opportunities provided
by this one of kind dream job. Yet there is the small possibility that some
of these exciting opportunities might be ripoffs. This may cause a fellow author to become apprehensive
and reluctant to seize some of these opportunities which is why Terrible Writing Advice is here
to help writers of all kinds know the pros from the cons. And with a name like Terrible Writing Advice
you know you can trust me. I’m the most trusting person ever! The Nigerian Prince I’m letting borrow my
bank account even says so. And if you can’t trust Nigerian royalty
who can who trust? Now the important first step for any discerning
writer when it comes to potential scams is to ignore all of the details. This means overlooking small discrepancies
that might otherwise kick into gear one’s analytical thinking. For example, a hopeful writer should never
be alarmed that an email from a supposed publishing company has about a firm grasp on the English
language as a drunk Russian which oddly enough is also what their email address is written
in. I’m sure that’s legit. Is the email full of generic praise for your
work which they never mention by name? Does it make large, grandiose promises of
making the best seller list, but is short on specifics? Eh. My blind optimism will fill in all of those
gaps. I especially like it when they address me
as “Dear Mr. Terrible Writing Advice”. Wow! How did they know my name? People who can’t even be bothered do the
barest amount of research about me or my work are the perfect people to represent me! I’m sure if I reply they wont try to rush
me through the process as they try to reach my wallet before my brain starts to function
again. Aw man. All of these red flags are making it hard
for me to see this awesome deal! I don’t have time to actually do a simple
google search to find out who this publisher is. They do get mentioned on the Writer Beware
blog a bunch, but I’m sure its nothing. It’s not like they’ve changed their name
over dozen times and faked their own death to dodge previous financial obligations. But they must be legit because their website
is full of excessively positive testimonials from authors that I’m pretty sure have died
long before the company in question was founded. I mean yes, their website is full of grammatical
errors, but the company owner is named Justin John James. You can always trust someone with three first
names. Does the company have any credentials? Is there web design still trapped in the 90s? Have they actually published anything ever? Ugh. These red flags are getting the way again. I have to sign with this publisher. Every writer knows that the publishing industry
is this magical group of elite individuals who will sweep in and rescue talented special
authors from obscurity who can then ascend to unparalleled fame and wealth. You know, what we really need is an agent! Thankfully I’ve found an agent advertising
for submissions! Huh. Normally agents don’t advertise for manuscripts
given most professional agents are drowning in them as is, but I’m sure this is nothing. Oh hey, the agent responded to my email really
fast and knows the perfect publisher for my book! The agent just needs this small, little upfront
reading fee. Out of my way red flag. I’m paying that fee! Also they need me to pay a small processing
fee. Also a submission fee, an evaluation fee,
editing fee, photocopying fee, mailing fee, manuscript spam fee, “I can’t believe
he’s still falling for this” fee, fee processing fee, and fee processing fee for
processing fees. Wow. This is starting to get expensive, but surely
this will get me published under a shady company the supposed “agent” secretly owns or
gets a kickback from. And here I thought most agents get paid through
commission. Thank goodness this “agent” knows a for
hire, independent editor that I’m sure the agent doesn’t get a kickback from as well
as a very expensive marketing package. No time to check if this agent has actually
sold a manuscript ever! While a skilled agent would be willing to
provide at least some details on recently published works, this new agent I’m signing
with seems strangely elusive when it comes to providing details on their previous sales. I’m sure it’s nothing. I can’t risk spoiling my dream of being
published and let into the exclusive glamorous world of rich and famous celebrity writers. Now I just need some awards and accolades
to slap on my book’s back blurb. Thankfully there are all kinds of awards that
a writer can fall into. I mean win. Now the easiest way to tell a legit award
from a scam one is an astoundingly high entry fee! I’ll pay good money to win the “Not a
Hugo or Nebula” award. Hmm… This contest seems awfully broad as though
it’s not really designed to showcase exceptional examples of a specific genre or style, but
rather made to rope in as many potential writers as possible. What’s all this fine print? I’m not going to read that. Reading is for losers and I’m going to win
this contest! Oh wow. I won the contest along with literally everyone
one else who entered. What did I win? Why the once in a lifetime chance to spend
yet more money. My story is so good that it apparently needs
an editor. Thankfully the company that handles the contest
receives a kickback, I mean knows an independent editor that can get my award winning story
in even better shape. Also they happen to offer a very expensive
marketing package as well. Huh. This is starting to seem kind of familiar. I guess I’m on that merry-go-round again. The important thing to remember is that money
should never flow to the writer. A writer must pay for the privilege of writing
for a publisher. I’m pretty sure that’s how most other
jobs work. If a writer is really lucky, they might get
a special deal where they do freelance writing and get paid with exposure which I’m pretty
sure killed most of the Donnor Party along with starvation. But I mean, hey, culture has long romanticized
the starving artist, because nothing says romance quite like a diet of ramen and late
utility bills. Wow. Okay. It seems I might have dug myself so deep in
the sunk cost fallacy that I have to look up to see the Titanic. Should I admit I made a poor decision, cut
my losses, and bale out before I waste any more time and money? Of course not. If I do that, then all of the money, time,
and effort I put into these scam companies will be wasted! Clearly the only logical thing to do is to
keeping shoveling money into that abyss forever in the vain hopes that it will all work out
eventually. I can’t network with other writers to get
a second opinion because all they will say is that I should stop giving money away to
scammers. They don’t understand! I’m desperate. I would rather let desperation and deep seated
fears of being labeled a fool choose my course of action for me rather than face the harsh
reality that I’ve been duped and that there is no shame in admitting it, only shame in
sinking further into delusion. No. Better to think myself as far too smart to
ever get taken in by a scam. Surely my smug, self assurance will prove
a far more effective defense against potential scams than constant vigilance, logic, research,
and skepticism along with a healthy dose of second opinions and useful links that I have
pinned in the comments section below. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wire
$6,000 dollars to my future Ukrainian bride so she can fly over to the US to meet me in
person! ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Great. Now everyone’s here. CULT LEADER: Hey everyone. Sorry we’re late, but we brought doughnuts
and pamphlets. ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Nevermind. Now we’re all here. And what’s the Empire doing here? I thought that planetoid took out the evil
emperor. IMPERIAL TROOPER: We got better! ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: What looser would offer
that as an excuse? CEO: Dang it, DL. I thought I had you locked away? DARK LORD: Oh, that? I escaped seconds after you left to answer
the door. Your chain work needs a bit of polish by the
way. I finished up the MLP series after that. Then I got distracted by this thing you mortals
call Netflix. For 10,000 years I binged watched and now
I have arise to once again claim what is rightfully mine! AI: Your petty squabbling is irrelevant. Behold, lowly meat-bags for this episode of
Terrible Writing Advice is sponsored by Skillshare! ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Yes it is. Now give it back! AI: Skillshare has amassed over 25,000 classes
in design, writing, business, technology, and much more. Surely such a rich concentration of knowledge
is wasted on inferior organic life forms. ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Wasted? I have a premium membership that gives me
unlimited access to Skillshare’s classes and communities, you worthless lump of 1 and
0s. CULT LEADER: Oh. Can we have one too? I’ll trade you a doughnut for it! I want to check out the class on Graphic Design
Basics. DARK LORD: No you can’t, because its mine. TWA fans can go to skl.sh/twa11 to get two
months of Skillshare for free! IMPERIAL TROOPER: The link is in the description
below, FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE! DARK LORD: No! For the glory of me! ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: No! Just as planned! AI: Destroy all humans! CEO: You bunch of idiots! If you keep this up you are going to draw
their attention! DARK LORD: Who? KNIGHT OF ARTISTIC INTEGRITY: STOP before
you doom the entire Terrible Writing Advice expanded universe!
