Worst Dates in History (3-Hour Reddit Compilation)

last night i witnessed a horrible first date i'm sure my story can be topped i was at a fairly empty cafe one evening couple came in and sat so close that i had to move my chair to les m pass wtf he looked a bit adam levineish except with a mad stare in his eyes she was a very petite woman who turned out to be from spain he then spent ages lamenting how awful british women are and how exotic she looked alternating between how his ex-gfs had treated him badly and dumped him and gushing about how feminine and perfect she was he didn't seem to notice how quiet she was getting he then said god i absolutely hated it when my ex used the wrong chopping board for fruit again wtf and she replied in a heavy accent i do not like you and walked off he sat there for a bit and then eventually left too no doubt to carry on his quest to find someone to put up with his appalling personality she's my new hero i had a very awkward date a few years back i ran into an old high school friend i hadn't seen in years we sit down and chit chat a bit and he asks me out he seems like a very cool guy and i said sure he takes me out to the sonic drive through no big deal i like their shakes and burgers he asks me what i want and orders nothing but what i asked for which struck me odd i thought we would stay parked but we ended up eating as he drove us around which was awkward i offered some of my burger to him and he finished it off for me i felt a little bad guess he didn't have much money i would have gladly paid for my own way and then the conversation turned to freaking out of the blue he asks me so when do you think it's appropriate for someone to start freaking after dating i said well i'm an absolute prude i thought he was just messing around but he was actually quite serious he kept pushing it then all of a sudden at a red light he leans in grabs the back of my head and kisses me he slammed his slobbering tongue in my mouth and starts whirling it around his hot breath smelled of burgers i pulled away and asked to be taken home he takes me home chit-chatting like nothing happened and still about freaking and other inappropriate topics when we got home he asked me to call him later and i didn't i went on a date with a phone sx operator yes you heard me right it was senior year of high school and one of my friends at the time was starting to get into online dating naturally as a teenager i was intrigued by the idea of meeting a woman online and possibly having physical relations with her my friend had met this girl who was pretty cute and told me she had a friend who was also looking a jackpot i asked him to hook me up and the girl instantly agreed we had a group date for the end of the week but as the days went on i realized i had no idea who this girl was or what she looked like my friend told me she had a steamy voice and was a phone sx operator but i didn't even know how old she was or anything so i asked my friend a couple questions how old is she 24 he says hum that's a little old i was only 17 at the time what does she look like she's a little chubby but she's not too bad you want to talk to her well yeah that'd be good calls her up and i talked to her hottest voice ever everything seems cool and i wait until saturday saturday comes and my friend comes with me and gets me to go pick up the girls first his girlfriend who is like i said pretty good looking a little chubby but cute in the face and her figure is well proportioned then we go pick up my date holy jabba the hut this girl was large definitely over 400 pounds my friend said she was light enough to sit in my lap i see now he meant that figuratively she was very unattractive which sounds mean to say but she was her hair was very frizzy and unmanaged her clothes were very tight fitting and too revealing and she smelled terrible not bo but just way way way too much perfume it choked you as she approached well she gets in the car and we head off now where do you think we're going to see a movie go to lunch walk on the beach perhaps number we go to walmart this is my dates idea of a good time i guess well that's kind of lame but i say nothing i hope this might be interesting well it was but not in the way i'd been hoping turns out we were going to walmart because she needed to get some things jewelry feminine hygiene products a couple dvds that sort of thing oh and we weren't paying for this stuff i guess yes that's right my date brought us to walmart a freaking shoplift and they were all three of them doing this by this point i am completely checked out we go back to the car and start heading back she says now she needs to go to target and then they can head back to her place for some fun nope i'm out i tell her i need to get home to help make dinner she says they can all come drop me off at my house i say the park is fine so they take me to the park and drop me off and i freaking run home i never spoke to that friend again tl dr went shoplifting for a first date with fat phone sx operator row talk about how jabba started his criminal empire one walmart at a time so i went on a date with this guy he was 45 minutes late i should have no right then to head home but i looked cute and i was already downtown he finally shows up we head to her pub and he is feeding me beers like i haven't had two sips of this beer yet so after about three beers he asks me what i'm doing after this and i tell him i'm heading home he kept asking me to come over i continuously said no then he says he is heading out for a smoke never comes back i kept waiting for the camera crews to jump out they didn't worst date of my life wow frick that guy i got one met a girl in one of my classes and we hit it off pretty quickly same major from the same area same interests and so on she was a few years older but i figured what the heck she's cute and we get along so i asked her out that friday she meets me at my local hangout and we have a great time so great that after a couple of beers we decide to roll to my place we leave her car there and head out at my place things start off great we are in bed doing our thing and just before i take the panties off she tells me by the way i have herpes now i give her props for telling me she didn't have to and she wasn't having an outbreak so i wouldn't have noticed but i wish she told me earlier but that's cool we can just chill till her phone rings which we ignore and then it rings again and again and again finally she listens to her voicemail and things get even more interesting her boyfriend of 10 years who was watching her kid that i was unaware of has tracked her phone's gps and is trolling my block with a loaded 0.45 looking for us fortunately i parked in the garage and her car was at the bar so he never found out which house i was in and gave up so now it's time for some answers she tells me she really likes me and wants to leave her boyfriend for me she also tells me he owns the house so her and her daughter are going to need a place to stay and she doesn't work i explain to her that this is not what i'm looking for and after a bit she seems to accept it i take her to her car and drop her off crisis averted right number for the next three days i receive walls of texts about how perfect we are for each other and how great things would be if i allow it how good of a role model i could be to her kid after three days it devolves into begging and then into messages about how it can just be about freaking with no emotional ties and on and on and on skip to the morning of our next class together there is no way in heck i'm going five minutes into the class and my phone starts blowing up constantly eventually i send her a text and tell her i am sick and would like to get some rest could she please stop calling texting within 20 minutes my doorbell rings and i have absolutely no intention of answering it after a few rings there is tapping on my window frick all that noise eventually she leaves and sends me a text letting me know there if chicken soup from fresh and easy on my doorstep along with some cold medicine holy frick that means she left class and after everything thinking that all was great and i was going to let her in it was weeks before the text stopped and i only went back to that class for the final it was quite the first date tldr first date almost results in herpes and a gunshot wound but ends instead with some delicious chicken soup i would not have eaten the soup i visited l.a by myself and witnessed a pretty stereotypically bad la date i went to this pretty expensive restaurant on a lark later learned it apparently has a bit of a reputation for bringing in people who are big shits and stars if that paints a good picture the table beside mine is a 45 year old man and a young early twenties woman i'm reading my book chilling out waiting for my entree to come just eavesdropping shamelessly he apparently picked her up in a coffee shop where she's a barista he dates too much and unsuccessfully all she talks about is this friggin coffee shop and boring minutiae and he's just looking at her being quietly bored to tears she's also ordered arguably one of the most expensive things on the menu and is just picking at it finally though she finishes and a waiter comes over asking if they'd like the bill he lights up and just as he's saying yes she cuts him off and asks for the dessert menu on what is already probably a 250 plus bill he looked like someone crap on his birthday cake long story short i really enjoyed my meal there that just made me feel so sad that poor man i once sat next to a couple on a date at a teppanaki show dinner they had barely said a word to each other when i hear the guy ask her so have you seen the movie phone booth she replied no they sat there in silence dodging flying egg for the rest of the show a friend of mine kept insisting that i meet a friend of hers for a date because she thinks we would go well together perfect for me she says so i'll let myself get talked into meeting him at my favorite bar in town i show up and within five minutes i know that he is not interested in women to top it off she ended up inviting herself and sat between us i ended up being the third wheel on my own date with a gay man he came out of the closet a few months later which was fine with me it only sucks that i have such a track record of dating men that later come out of the closet that my family now says oh she likes him he must be gay went on a blind date with a girl from facebook super safe i know well when we show up my cousin appears out of nowhere saying he was going to be my wingman i told him to frick off but he didn't listen and just followed us around all night we were sitting in the theater and he wouldn't stop whispering for us to make out i turned to her to say i was sorry and she stuck her tongue down my throat i wasn't planning on kissing her and since i was still kind of new at it got really confused i tried to put my arm around her during and ended up hitting her in the face she pulled away screamed and the entire theater turned and got quiet my cousin just whispered okay now grab her boob sorry for the cliffhanger ending but after everyone had turned back around she got up and went to the bathroom for the whole movie so no boob grabbing happened but do not fear editors my day did come three years later i finally got that boob grab and i have to say that victory was oh so sweet i used to work in a local bar down the road my friend was going on his first date with a girl and he took her to the bar i worked my friend is also notorious for his alcohol consumption he and his date sat at the bar and at first sight it looked like the date was going rather well about two hours later i look over at my mate sitting on a bar stool with both feet propped on the bar absolutely wasted and lets out a huge fart and he wafts it in the direction of his date's face saying smell that the girl's mortified i nearly wet myself from laughing and thought there's not a chance in heck he's going to get laid now i was wrong he brought her home that night standards some peoples go pretty low who the frick brings a laptop on a date my reaction was more along the lines of who the frick brings aleppo she plays wow well all right wasn't a first date but a few weeks ago i was in buffalo wild wings freak yes mango habanero and some guy renewed his vows with his wife of seven years he got on the loudspeaker and everything she wasn't exactly thrilled whenever i see crap like that i always think it's all for the guy's ego and not a girl's pleasure met a girl online she lives one town over she was looking mainly for a frick buddy and at the time that's exactly what i wanted the first red flag was that she had only two profile pics and they were both black and white of the same angle i agree to meet her as she's coming to my town that weekend i meet her and her weird-looking friend in a car out in front of this house her weird friend immediately tries to hit me up for gas money i refuse and they say that's okay but they want to hit up a store for some reason as this initial conversation is taking place i get a quick look at the girl i'm supposed to be seeing she's a bit thicker than her profile pics would make it seem but really not too bad she was smoking when i walked up to the car and as soon as the first sig was dead she lit up another one so she was obviously a chain smoker add another demerit we get to this grocery store and now the girl gets out of the car to where i can see her more fully it's than that i really notice her outfit she's wearing a two sizes too small mighty morphin power rangers jacket brown slacks that my grandpa would have worn in the 80s and these funky shoes okay now i realize she has no idea how to dress or present herself she walks with me through the parking lot and as she gets closer i start to detect a whiff of some kind of funk then it hits me she has b.o and keep in mind that we're outside and the wind is blowing yet i can still smell her funk it's at this point that i decide i need to abandon ship as i'm thinking this she turns directly towards me and it's them that i realize the icing on the cake she has a lazy eye i've posted this before and people with a lazy eye get really pee keep in mind the context that this girl's qualities were just going downhill at light speed and the eye was just kind of straw on an already broken camel's back i ended up calling my friend in the bathroom of the grocery store and telling him to call me informing me that i was late for a made-up obligation that i had forgotten about weird friend had to leave suddenly so i drove back smelly girl on the drive to where she was staying she told me a story about stabbing another girl in high school needless to say i ran a couple of stop signs on the way to her place finally a story about me i witnessed a really good one while bartending a few years ago a guy came in expecting it to be a first date from an online site it was actually his very pregnant wife girlfriend who was sitting at the table her friend was sitting at the bar filling me in i guess the friend came to give her pregnant and newly single friend a ride home after she broke up with the douche it was beautifully awkward this is why i want to be a bartender i'm a shameless gossip invited me at a hotel for a sleepover after a really expensive dinner boyfriend decided to surprise her at eight o'clock in the morning i was sitting at a hotel bar having a few drinks before heading up to my room it was pretty empty there was a sailor to my left who i ended up drinking with after the events below and a couple halfway down the bar to the right a very beautiful potty looking girl and a reasonably good-looking well-dressed fellow both probably late 20s early 30s at first i thought they were on a terrible first date but it soon became clear that they were in the tail end of a failed relationship this was not the stage where things are slowly degrading toward an inevitable breakup i mean they should have been broken up last month but there they were having a drink together in the smoking wreckage of their relationship the girl didn't say anything the entire hour or so that i watched them with cringing fascination every time the guy spoke she made a little snort of disgusted annoyance and stared pointedly away from him i was both disappointed and incredibly relieved when they finally left and i promised myself that i would never stay with a girl past the point when we were no longer on speaking terms sounds like married couple post argument been there went to a movie with a girl in high school her older sister shows up before the movie even starts and apparently that means i can't sit next to the girl i left this is the case of her not being allowed to date the elder sister was sent to make sure she was not on a date i took a girl to back to her place once after a first date it turns out she was a hoarder i use the bathroom and kitty litter is everywhere piles are in the corner i come out she's naked on the bed being a guy i say what the heck it's not until i'm naked when i realize there's kittly litter on the bed she we start going at it i look down and there's tampon strings hanging out she's on her period i realize just how unsanitary and freaked up this whole thing is and i start to back away that's she starts biting me one the collarbone i get her to back off she rolls over and turns off the lights and passes out drunk for six hours i'm awake on this bed with the smell of kitty litter all over the entire apartment i can't grab my clothes because they're mixed in with the crap all over the floor as soon as sunlight hits i start to grab my clothes and dress and get the heck out of there i had to shower for about 45 minutes to get the smell of kitty off of me once i got home [Music] when i was 16 i went on a blind date with this guy two hours away from my hometown i got there by train and had always the option to meet and call a friend who lived nearby this town so i was there a bit too early and started walking around a bit finally it was 4 p.m and we met he was 23 at that time student and working unfortunately he was just as tall as me and extremely skinny so not really my type of guy at that time but nevertheless we went to grab some food and had a good time at around 7pm he wanted to head home and asked me if i wanted to get home with him i wasn't sure but on the other hand i also didn't want to stay with my friend and i think i was still in my own i am so cool phase combined with teenage insecurity and the desperate wish to have someone so i told him i will come with him i knew that he still lived with his parents but he told me that they won't be around when we arrived at his place his parents were home and i was greeted by a happy mom who referred happily to me as my son's first girlfriend i was shocked but i also couldn't leave since the next train station was miles away and at that time no more trains would have gone back to my hometown so i stayed 30 minutes later we had dinner with the whole family mother father and sister and everyone asked me so many questions afterwards we all sat down to play card games and my date didn't seem to realize that i felt completely uncomfortable three hours later we were finally alone in his room and he just jumped in his pajamas made me a bed on a single mattress and proceeded to sleep in his bed i tried to kiss him or just hold his hand but he did not respond to anything so i also went to sleep and in the next morning we had breakfast with his parents and sister again his parents had this expecting look on their face and his dad even started to make obscene jokes luckily my date had to work that day and dropped me off at the train station before though he finally kissed me and whispered oh i love you into my ear and that he is happy that i get along so well with his family i just ran for my train i felt physically awkward just reading that yikes i once took a girl to a bar christmas party for a first date open bar free food etc knowing that i was only 18 at the time and rarely drank the employees proceeded to get me crap face drunk in front of my new lady friend i then promptly passed out in a pile of cooking grease and had to get carried to my car driven home carried to my bed by my sister's boyfriend during this entire scene i apparently kept telling everyone that i was going to get laid that night it made a complete butt of myself i married her four years later and she's still freaking awesome first date with the current girlfriend she goes to the bathroom and this guy leans in through the door which we were seated next to and asked something weird like do you know if that place over the road is open i turn around and look where he pointed turn back and say how the frick would i know mate he mumbles something and walks away i then get a sinking feeling he's stolen something i run outside and can't see where he went turns out he stole her brand new iphone off the table where she just loves keeping it when dining luckily she has insurance and is dang cool cause she didn't mind too much great start huh this is why you always take your electronics with you to the toilets well that and rid it set up on a date by my best friend's girl with a friend of hers i knew only casually had hung out as part of a group of friends several times we meet for dinner at a decent italian place halfway through dinner after the typical get to know you chitchat her so what will our kids look like me they won't i nope the heck out of there right quick paid the bill and left crazy didn't get the hint called me repeatedly i made it very clear i wasn't interested and certainly not going to be her baby daddy later i find she had a scrapbook with photoshopped pictures of me think face swap and was telling people we were involved etc eventually this escalated to driving by my house stalking my job ring and run pranks on my doorbell weird disjointed letters left in my mailbox finally had to get police involved restraining order order of protection etc tl dr sometimes you don't have to stick your dong in it to get crazy driving home one evening i stopped to help a motorist who had lost a tire off his vehicle it turns out he was on his way to a first date blind nonetheless i ask if he needs a ride somewhere and he says well if you wouldn't mind taking me to pick her up and dropping us off at my house now this is a bit weird but i guess i don't mind he directs me to her house turns out she is in the us as part of a study abroad program she is originally from brazil now i know being picked up by your date and a complete stranger could be awkward but this guy smoothed it right over by using this opening gem so you're from brazil huh what was it like growing up without electricity five minutes of this line of questioning i decided to jump in and try to save the poor kid by asking questions about brazil's perception of the us versus her experience easier conversation begins to flow he's feeling a bit more comfortable ready to jump back and he asks i bet you were excited to try mcdonald's how clearly someone was getting lucky tonight this is about the time i arrived at his trailer to drop them off poor girl the first date i ever went on was when i was around 12 or 13 early in my dating career and i didn't understand a lot of the essential rules like rule number one when going on a date never let her bring her entourage of friends that was mistake one i was a kid with a rather messy face and no love for those spinny carnival rights but i was also a kid with a deep need to get his date on as it were hormones won out on this one much to my eventual demise my facial inconsistencies weed cold sores came in when one of her friends asked me what was on the corner of my mouth i said i stabbed myself while eating and managed to pass that one off pretty well but the seeds of caution were planted my date wanted to go on some of the more gastrointestinally disastrous carnival rides although logic was virtually throttling my testicles the tiny tim twins won out and i ended up getting on a ride fast forward to getting off the ride when it was over my hand covered in vomit and a good deal of her covered in it as well as we ran off to clean up my stomach's cocktail of hot dogs and funnel cake my first words to her were i guess we aren't going to kiss now one time i went on a date with a dude i had been into for about a year we had classes together he finally agrees we go to a bar i proceed to get hammered really embarrassingly so i essentially poured myself into his car when we wrapped up at the bar the last thing i said to him as i got out of the car at my place look i know i'm hammered but i've been wanting to rest a drink on that end table but for seven months is this happening needless to say it didn't you at least had good taste in the dude he didn't take advantage of her inebriated girl i met a guy at a bar he was with a group of people and they all invited me to hang with them we went back to his apartment and hung out for a few hours that visit the place was a little messy but not too bad at the end of the evening he asked me out on a proper date and i accepted date night rolled around and i met him at his place as agreed when i walked in he immediately pointed out that he had cleaned up for me i had to nod appropriately then indicated i was ready to go halfway out the door he asked me if i had ever seen the movie 40 year old virgin i said i had and he replied you know that part where she asks him to blow in the tube to start the car yeah so can you drive okay fair enough we all make mistakes i drove we had some wings and beer and then went out to the patio to smoke he was screwing with his phone throughout dinner but whatever who doesn't a few minutes after sitting down on the patio though an older black man approached our table and sat down my date introduced the man as his ex-girlfriend's father and his drug dealer he proceeded to conduct a deal right there in front of god and everyone okay fine so i know this is going nowhere but i am painfully nice so i agreed to return to his place to watch a movie before heading home i was having a hard time getting comfortable on the sofa so i lifted the throw pillow to fluff it rearrange it beneath the pillow i discovered a huge purple celeb now at this point there were a number of things he could have said that may or may not have been cute funny or even a little classy his choice i like the way it feels on my balls when i jerk off you probably want to leave now huh any one of these things wouldn't kill a date for me it all combined on a first date it was a little much forgot to tldr first date had a sobriety check on his car conducted a drug deal with his ex joel fiend's father and forgot to put away his big purple celeb he used to massage his balls while masturbating by massage his balls he really meant shove up my poop shoot have you ever left in the middle of a date if so why i told her i was color blind she recoiled and said it was gross and sat there looking at me like i had the plague or something i just sort of got up and left it was really odd we were already dating but i thought it would be nice to take her for a meal one evening she walked in followed by her sister then her best friend and their respective boyfriends all of whom had no money she got upset when i said i didn't have enough money to feed six when a meal for two would have set me back 40 pounds or more so i left she sent me a text on my way home saying we were over i didn't bother replying to this day i have no idea why she thought it was socially acceptable to bring four more people to our date without telling me first she didn't think it was okay she didn't really like you and wanted to see how much she could use you for met girl online she shows up for our first date drunk with a drunk friend and one month old son that she had forgot to mention baby was sober i think i excused myself to the restroom and ran like my butt was on fire she started talking about our wedding and our future kids on our first date she wasn't joking around and when i told her that it was way too sudden to be talking about that she looked at me quizzically and said don't you want to get married first online date i'd ever gone on plenty of awkward ones after that including the girl who got drunk then admitted she had an infant son and lived with her ex-husband but that one took the cake he brought another girl with him guy from occupied a few years back takes me to a five-star restaurant i try to stick to the middle of the road drinks food as it's a first date dinner went really well so we decide to go for post-dinner drinks i get to the point where i feel i should stop drinking since it's a first date and i wasn't really ready for him to see me trashed he orders me another drink and then invites me over to his house because his wife is out of town date over we met online she brought her sister on our first date she never spoke and all her sister did was drill me about my plans and my intentions after ordering she said i hope you're planning on paying that's what a real man would do on a first date so i said true but this wasn't a date it was a job interview i dropped my half in cash and walked out btw i drove us there never heard from them again such a perfect retort i'm picturing you walking away from the restaurant while it explodes blind date indian restaurant first thing he does is produce a folder of photos of him and various celebrities shows me them one by one he keeps clutching at me after about 15 minutes of this i say this isn't really i don't think we're compatible i think i should go and get up to leave he stood up too and shouted at me as i left no i did not look back he was 45 minutes late got mad that another guy had started chatting me up at the bar while i waited then proceeded to tell me about the hidden satanic messages in the opening ceremony of the olympics yes went to get coffee to test the waters with someone new first thing he did was ask me to turn around and lift my shirt so he can see my butt i got up turned around and walked out the door i was in my late teens and went on a date with a friend of a friend he seemed nice and i got the okay from my bff so i anticipated a pleasant quiet evening we were just going for frozen yogurt and tv at his house after all well everything's going smooth and he seems really sweet he tells me he likes to write poetry and my teenage girl brain is thinking wow a sensitive guy how refreshing then he tells me that he wants to show me something i assumed it was a poem he wrote because we had just talked about it me okay what is it him well it's not ready yet but it will be in a couple minutes as he leans over on his side away from me me confused because i'm expecting a poem is he going to write a poem in a couple minutes this is going to be awkward then he starts making all these innuendos about what it is i get annoyed because he sounds like he's describing his dong and the joke is dying fast finally just to shut him up i say if it's your dong then now i don't want to see it him oh okay then and he sits back normally on the couch i'm super confused and think he's pulling my leg i ask if he's kidding and says no he seriously wanted to whip out his junk and show me me what the heck am i supposed to say to you while your dong is out him well my last girlfriend told me she'd been waiting to see it all night me stunned silence then oh kay being the awkward teen i was i sat back into the couch not touching him we had been cuddling up until that conversation and uncomfortably waited out the remainder of whatever show was on tv and then bolted after i got home i called my bff and frantically told her what had happened her response oh yeah i forgot to tell you he likes to do that oh cupid date emailed back and forth had some common interests seemed like we would get along we met up and got food a couple drinks seemed to be getting along well then he starts talking about how good he is at karaoke he's been in contests and won first place he and his friends go all the time etc i tell him i've only done karaoke a few times when very drunk and with a big group of friends i also mentioned that i'm pretty sure i'm tone deaf he tells me there is a karaoke place only one block away i tell him i'm not interested he tells me you get your own little booth no one else will even hear you you can pick whatever songs you want no waiting while other people sing it's clear he's not giving up so i grab two shots of vodka and say fine i'll try it we go to the karaoke lounge and get our booth and he does three or four songs perfectly i start my first song and he starts criticizing me and pointing out what i'm doing wrong while i'm trying to sing then he picks up the other mic and starts singing over me i say frick this and just get up to leave he chases after me and tells me i need you to pay for half of this it's sixty dollars i look in my wallet take out the only cash i had and said here's twenty dollars and you can go frick yourself then he follows me to the bus stop and tried to make idle chit-chat while i wait to get the frick away from him had joined a new sports club and there was one guy who was quiet and kind of just hung around the periphery of the group i felt kind of bad for him so was always trying to bring him into conversations and talk to him one night we all went out for drinks after the game and i talked to him for a while conversation was hard work but he seemed like a nice guy he texted and asked me if i wanted to go out for coffee i wasn't really interested but knew given how quiet he was that it probably took a ton of nerve to text me that and i thought maybe in a one one environment he would be more comfortable and i could get to know him a little more we met at the coffee shop and he had a big backpack with him we ordered drinks then chatted with me again doing most of the talking he rarely initiated but would answer questions about one stroke two hour and he said he had a few things to show me to let me get to know him better he then did a show and tell from his backpack pulling out various items and pictures and telling me about them some were kind of interesting a family trip and some i had no idea how to respond to here is a picture of how i had my hair cut in grade eight he had stuffed animals and lots of items from his childhood i kept trying to bring the conversation to the present to find out if the item linked to a current interest or hobby but he kind of had the story about each item rehearsed and he would go right back to the show and tell eventually the table was full of stuff and i tried to politely say that i had seen enough and change the topic he told me had still had more to show me i ended up saying i felt sick and left i felt kind of bad but it was just getting too weird poor dude he was trying so hard to form a connection but he just didn't know how i left in the middle of a movie once the date was going great but i forgot that i had left a pod pie in the oven in my apartment only broke college guys and old people eat pot pies i remembered a few minutes in and whispered something along the lines of gotta get my pot pie out of the oven so i don't burn down my apartment i'll be right back i did return but she was mad thought we could go see the pot pie and have a laugh arrived at my previously empty apartment to find my brother and the neighbor girls drunk and naked in my living room showed her the pot pie and she said something along the lines of you and butthole take me home that's just hilarious i would have stayed around for a second dates to at least see what else happened i've had a girl walk out on me took me weeks to realize why this was day three we'd met initially at a nightclub randomly kinda just said hi and our groups merged the boys and her girls met up a week later at a carnival and had a great time this day in particular we met up for a basic lunch at a nice little spot near my place and just had nothing to talk about which was odd she seemed semi-vacant lunch goes by with small talk we pay separately and she asks to come back to my place no problems there she's an attractive girl and i have a dong anyhow we get back to my place she throws on a dvd while i snack up the coffee table and we start talking about pet peeves with the opposite gender usual things come up first like toilet seat positioning and get ready time for outings somehow it leads on to a story about this girl i knew who was dating me whilst having an actual boyfriend on the side and how disrespectful it was in the end she just goes pale white grabs her stuff and makes some excuse about forgetting something at home i thought i'd maybe sounded a bit cocky or come across like a douchebag kinda felt like and but for a day or so and moved on my housemate ran into her and her boyfriend shopping a week later that was awkward she probably thought you knew and panicked he scraped the bottom of his load to the ground car on my driveway he took it and me straight to a mechanic to look at the damage he told me that if it was a quick fix he would only make me pay half i said my brother is a mechanic let me go call him left and called for a ride frick that she brought up politics and religion attacked my stance on both then pestered me about my financial stability all before the brought out the bread we had been on a couple of dates and he invited me to his house to watch a movie i showed up and he immediately brings me an ice pick i don't like vodka and i wasn't in the mood to drink but i thanked him for the drink and i sipped on it a little he commented that i wasn't drinking fast enough i said oh well i'm not really in the drinking mood he kept pressuring me to drink i inspected my glass to make sure there was no residue or anything else in it there wasn't but when i finished he made me another without asking i thanked him but said that i really didn't want another he told me not be rude and that i should have drinks with him if he's making them for me when i finished that one i said i really don't want another he brings me another it's obvious that he's trying to get me drunk he keeps trying to make out with me and i said that i really wanted to watch the movie he keeps literally pulling my face towards him and shoving his tongue down my throat i turned the other way on the couch so i had my feet down by him and he couldn't get to my face he then gets on the floor and walks on his mouth african knees to my face and starts trying to kiss me again i said i needed to go to the bathroom i quietly called my best friend and told her i need her to call me back with something urgent in a couple of minutes so i could get out of a bad date she did and i took off after that he kept trying to call and text me a lot and i just told him look you were obviously trying to get me drunk and kept forcing kisses after i said i wanted to watch the movie this is not gonna work out this was a third date he was a nice enough guy an editor at the local newspaper we're at his house and he's made me dinner and suddenly he drops a normal conversation that is fetish is freaking girls that are unconscious i immediately stopped eating stopped drinking and made my exit i did not get roofed but dang was i scared that it was in the cards for that night so this is about 10 years ago a few friends in another city introduced me and this girl we call each other chat on instant messenger and text a bit i tell i'm going to see my friends in a couple weeks and we set up a dinner date we met at the restaurant big hug and huge grin from her we sit down chat and are talking a bit when two of her friends get seated diagonally from us as she gets up to go say hi never introduces me and proceeds to have the waiter drop her food off at their table her friends ask why she's leaving me alone and without any shame she says he's fine waiter comes to pick up my plate i'd already ordered and i didn't want to be a dong and screw the waiter and drops off my check then hands are her own check i just shrugged it off handed the guy a 20 saying keep the change and left she calls me on my way back to my buddy's house be me out then had the balls to ask if i'd buy her alcohol to take to her party i was 21 she was 19. i laughed she called me a dong and hung up then i questioned why i answered the call in the first place she would not stop talking about babies her friends had them her sisters had them her brothers had them and made sure it was perfectly crystal clear she did not have one yikes met a guy online who lived about an hour away we agreed to meet up closer to me and he told me he was just going to stay in town that night i figured he had friends here or whatever he gets to the date and he is clearly about 15 years older than his pictures represented i figured i would finish the meal then fo after dinner he insisted on walking me to my car and then said okay so i'll just follow you back to your place then i was quite shocked and a little scared for my safety so i said okay and then ripped out of that parking lot before he could get to his car he text me an hour later and told me he was home lol never heard from him after that she started doing blow halfway through had been on a couple of dates with this guy at his place watching a movie he climbs on top of me i tell him i'm not comfortable he does it again adding i like shy girls date over you're pretty smart for a woman it was an occupied date and we met for coffee after talking a while he had a sour look on his face when i got there so i wasn't expecting too much when our coffee came out he said i'm glad you didn't ask me to pay for that because i don't think you should be drinking something with that many calories i'm a fat person but he was way fatter than me so i thought he was being self-deprecating i was prepared to roll my eyes and let it go but then he ranted for about 15 minutes about how women were getting too fat and how they should be pressured to lose more weight eventually i stopped him with you saw my picture why did you even agree to coffee his answer was i was hoping you had lost weight since the picture was taken because no one would put themselves on a dating app in that condition row just wow picked up a girl for a first date on the drive to eat she's tapping away on her phone a few times get to the place to eat sits down tapping away texting a few minutes later texting again i excuse myself to use the bathroom and leave you could have at least texted her i took a girl once to my favorite mexican restaurant she proceeded to pretty much give me a rundown of her past five boyfriends why the relationship failed how each was in bed what they all did for a living where they all took her for vacations my eyes started to cross and my blood was starting to boil i was relegated to one husband wow that guy is in butthole responses she seemed very disinterested in anything i had to say and i was freaking done as i was about to get up and walk out the waiter brought my fajitas so you know what i just rolled with it started asking questions about her ex-boyfriends all the while i was stuffing my face with tasty tasty fajitas honestly most of the dudes sounded like pretty good guys but i put on a brave face and crap talk them in between bites once i was full i got up said i needed to go to the bathroom paid for my half of the meal at the register and just left she was busy texting someone and didn't even notice on my way home she texted me and asked me where i was told her that i left and that maybe she should ask one of her ex-boyfriends to come and pick her up since she spent the last 45 minutes doing nothing but talking about them got a couple freakies you're in butthole texts on the drive home but it's been radio silent ever since t l d dr dammit now i want steak for heaters yeah just complain about me to your next date it was the second date he was complaining because i wasn't wearing a low cut top so frick him i straight up left i just got back from a first date where my date tried to tip the parking valley with a daryl reddit have you ever had someone do weird crap on a first date she invited me to her place where she began smashing mirrors with a ball peen hammer for some crafty therapeutic mosaic she was working on after a call and argument with the downstairs neighbors the cops arrived one cop took me aside and said we get calls about this lady all the time you may want to reconsider hanging out with her i don't know if this is weird as much as just disastrous but years ago i took a girl from a class i was in out to the movies at the local indie cineplex they were showing two movies boys don't cry and high fidelity i said oh high fidelity that's supposed to be great let's see that she says no let's see boys don't cry i said well that's supposed to be a good movie but it's really dark let's see something funny she looks at me and says no i want to see boys don't cry although sure enough while it is an amazing film she is sobbing sobbing stroke three of the way through it like body shaking tears pouring down her face hunched over sobbing i think i could have drowned puppies in front of her and not gotten that level of reaction now i'll cry at a movie now and again but only when the time is right and certainly not when i'm wildly uncomfortable that this girl i barely know is hysterical next to me i do my best to console her and after the movie her first question is why aren't you crying well i was kind of worried about you it distracted me seriously why aren't you crying i'm serious it was an incredibly upsetting scene but i was worried you weren't okay this goes on and she gets visibly annoyed that i didn't cry should have bailed then but i decided to try to salvage things and said hey tell you what it's still early let's go get a drink relax a little talk about the movie we go around the corner to my local irish pub i walk in bartender says haynes it oh the usual and my date turns and looks at me in complete disgust and says what are you some kind of alcoholic you should have told her that boys don't cry i'd met a really nice guy near where i work we went for coffee during the week everything seemed to move along great he invited me to dinner on a sunday he picked me up and we went to a nice place we had just got our menus when his wife showed up i had no idea he was married it wasn't like divorced or separated or anything like that she went off on him right there in the middle of the restaurant i've never been so embarrassed i just walked outside and called my sister to pick me up god yes the date was arranged by the college newspaper where i was attending school i had never met nor seen the person who i would be courting that night i was only told that all expenses would be paid for i was a college student how could i turn down free food we met up at a local greek place while being followed by a film crew she was great charming cute funny and could hold her own in a conversation however much like that exact lego piece that you really need in a tub full of legos her crazy was well hidden after the meal we went for a long walk on the beach a few minutes and she leans in close and whispers let's ditch the film crew when a fairly hot girl asks you to find a way to get to a secluded place logic is overtaken by hormones the second they turned their heads we made a dash for it we found a lifeguard tower that wasn't in use and made our way up the ramp it was perfectly secluded and it had the tactical advantage of being able to see if anyone was approaching i leaned enough for a kiss expecting that was what she wanted she put a hand to my chest and held me back wait she said she was excited at this point and she made no effort to hide it you want to see my scars no biggie i've had creepier things said to me and i figured it was an excuse she was making to eventually get us undressed i was game sure she took off her shirt not her bra but it didn't matter as i was no longer fascinated with her boobs all across her stomach we deep crazy scars that scored her abdomen like corduroy scars so deep they didn't just change the tone of the skin but changed the underlying shape of it and how it flowed want to give me one i a what what are these from memories give me one she pulls out a hunting knife from her purse the crazy was no longer hidden she actually wanted me to cut her abdomen open i've done it before we'll just say that i fell while we were climbing the lifeguard tower i i think that the film crew found us they were a good 50 yards away and were oblivious to the fact that we were there i stood up and waved faked a blush like we were being naughty as this half-naked chick with a knife was hidden below me she was not pleased and had a knife i was mentally saying goodbye to my currently not stabbed body and was praying it would stay that way the cameras were on though she knew she had to play nice lest her crazy be known to all she hid the knife stood up and giggled the date continued we played laser tag i elected not to give her my number at the end of the night i have never felt so normal after dinner as we're walking to the car he puts his arm around my shoulders i'm wearing a tank top therefore have bare arms he strokes my arm and looks at me completely serious mind you your skin is so soft i wish i could cut this piece out of you so i could feel it all the time big wtf moment for me and no we didn't see each other again after that night not even the first date i was at a party and started talking to a friend's attractive co-worker everything was going fine but it got a bit weird when she said if we're gonna be friends you're gonna have to buy me some jewelry she seemed to have a really dry sense of humor so i didn't even consider that she might be serious i laughed and played along by asking what she wanted but then she started talking about the specific piece of jewelry she wanted somewhere during her detailed description i started to realize that she was being dead serious then she told me the price i excused myself confirmed it later with my friend she's batshit everything had been smooth sailing so far no odd stairs or pauses i was really digging this chick we start talking about our upbringings and we get to church and religion i tell her i went to catholic church but was more of an app either by then she says oh i hate the catholic church i asked why oh they killed my husband what keep in mind we're both about 16 oh yes they sent him off to israel during the second crusade to atone for us and he didn't even really commit i thought about asking some follow-up questions and then decided that i was not ready to deal with the life baggage of most 16 year old girls much less the baggage from previous lives sounds like the plot of the medieval a team i have three one on my first date ever i pulled the chair out for her she didn't see and fell to the ground you know those times where you aren't supposed to laugh turns out that was one of those times the two i met a woman at a restaurant on a blind date we ordered and she turned to me and said so when are you going to propose my answer of well this is our first date so i haven't thought further than dinner upset her so she left 10 minutes later she came back and said well you upset me but you can still buy me dinner again my answer upset her i can i won't three i went to pick up a girl for our first date and she was dressed in a stormtrooper outfit it was not halloween nor was it some sort of event that one would expect a dress in costume we went to red robin the funniest part of that story is that i showed up to a date where a woman was wearing a stormtrooper outfit and said hey what the heck i went out once with one of my customers while i was working in a video store the date started out really nice he actually made a picnic and we went to a nearby park and set it up the conversation flowed well food was good then he asked me if i had roommates i said yes told him about the dorms etc before politely returning the question and asking him if he was living with any roommates completely nonchalantly he replied yes too i live with my wife and daughter and then proceeded to change the subject as if this was just kind of no big deal i thought he was joking at first so i sort of sat there dumbstruck until i finally confirmed that he was indeed married with a daughter when i asked him what was wrong with him and told him i wasn't interested he replied by asking me if i'd just please suck his dong i sort of laughed a little and shook my head before i quickly hightailed it to my car and i never saw him come into the store again at least he told you up front i can't count the number of married guys i've gone out with that were hiding it i was 17 he was 24 and x marine set up through mutual acquaintances and was assured that he was a nice guy but kind of quiet btw this was my first actual date so i didn't have a sense until later how freaked up it actually was i should have had a clue when we were talking on the phone and he casually revealed that he lets his dog hump his leg to completion because it's just easier than trying to stop him and that it's hard for him to remember things so his room in his grandmother's house is covered in post-it notes with reminders rolled up in his grandmother's lincoln with dish towels on the seats i started to remove them but he insisted that they stay on because his dog rides in the car and his grandmother doesn't like the hair on the seats so i sit on the dog hair dish towels as we go to the movie theater he offered me a stick of fruit stripe gum strangely packaged in only clear plastic and it crumbled instantly in my mouth to many small non-adherent bits as he explained he had gotten the gum years ago in a cereal box and was saving it for someone special then when i opened my car door instead of waiting for him to do it he got very angry and said i was too independent on the way home he talked about his ukrainian decorated egg collection and presented me with one a hand-painted wooden egg and two a 12k gold angel pendant that he got for doing a cancer marathon for charity he had apparently been saving these gifts presented to me in a crumpled brown paper lunch bag for the right girl i tried hard to refuse to take them but he was getting upset so i had him drop me off a few blocks from where i actually lived and never spoke to him again i have to we were 23 he was hot tall ripped not very smart but heck i was frisky our first date consisted of no conversation at dinner not one word other than food orders i gave up talking and decided to enjoy the meal figuring this was over before it started we finished and then we go outside to the beach i start to say bye when he suddenly pulls me to him and starts kissing me then he pushes me away and starts sobbing like gasping gulping sobs that echoed around the beach he kneels in the sand and i get down by him pretty concerned thinking that maybe someone died or something traumatic had happened then he starts talking his previous gf of two whole weeks had decided to see other people his crying got louder and he started pounding the sand with his fists i tried to calm him down at least and shut him up and ended up playing counsellor for a few hours he called me every night for a week after that and wouldn't talk just cry the second was recent first meeting was awesome hit it off great so we moved to the first actual date conversation is flowing good times are had it's late and he drops me off he moves in for the kiss and suddenly becomes insanely aggressive he pushes me up against the door and starts gnawing on my lip biting insanely hard i try to push him away but he seems to think i like it and keeps saying one more he goes in again and bites me so hard i hit him in the chest he just smiles at me and i go inside without really saying anything in the bathroom i discover that he bit through my lip blood is actually dripping from the corner of my mouth and my entire bottom lip is swollen looking like hamburger i told him a thanks but no thanks that weekend feeling completely weirded out about the tooth marks in my lip he goes on to tell me that i liked it number no i didn't as as guy i have to say guys freaking terrify me if i was female i would know so much kung fu blind date she kept murmuring encouragement to herself this is going okay see you can do this okay everything is still fine sounds to me like she was just really shy and had a therapist tell her to remember above and say them to herself then miss the fact that she was supposed to say said things to herself in her head equals p yes my wife of 21 years got pregnant on our first date more like one shot one baby i got hooked up by a friend with a chick who seemed decent until i realized she was illiterate and her kid came out of nowhere and started calling me daddy she then told me she was a vampire princess but she was serious also driving her around she started having road rage while a passenger while far away from any traffic i went back to see her again and apparently the family at her house flipped out thinking i was child protective services trying to take her kid away it was awkward you went on a date with the gigallo wouldn't be surprised to find me in here i smelt a hideous smell she also smelt it i looked around in a clockwise circle trying to pinpoint the smell and i ended up looking straight at her she instantly yelled well it obviously wasn't me to which my stupidly fast thinking brain goes obviously don't you fart no i don't i started laughing everyone farts well i don't out in public i save them until i get home i'm in hysterics at this point while the girl is furious the date didn't last much longer and i went home but she told all her friends who were friends with mine that we tried to have sex but because my penis was too small we didn't bother now she's just saying that cause she was embarrassed about crying from the pain when i put it in her i went on a date with a guy who took me to the movies and then back to his parents house after the movie he barely talked to me other than to show me his room of instruments and show me how he could play the spongebob squarepants theme on a penny whistle after he dropped me back off at my house her sent me a ton of messages about how he was sexually frustrated and wished he would have sucked on my face instead of the popsicle he had to bite to relieve all of his pent-up sexual desires you stay class high school guys went on a date where the girl started talking before the food got there and didn't stop until after i was done eating i am not sure she even breathed that wasn't the weird part the weird part was that the entire one-sided conversation revolved around how fricked up her family was like her brother who was in federal prison for running drugs and whose wife constantly tried to kill him had successfully shot him a few times she had been present when the d busted his house in and had to care for his three daughters for eight months as a result he wanted her to pay him 50 k and wanted to kill her i didn't understand either or the mother with early onset alzheimer's who had gotten the girl date raped when she was 16 and then refused to allow an abortion and then testified against her daughter for being a [ __ ] just so she could get with the father of the guy who had raped her daughter at gunpoint or the aunt who blew up her own sister's trailer when her sister upset her only problem was that the sister wasn't in the trailer the crazy aunt's niece and nephew were they died no charges filed after all that i was still young and stupid enough to go back girls what is your he seemed normal on the first date but after that things got weird story nsw we met at a party he was very funny and good looking first date was amazing we went to dinner saw live band and went stargazing next date he becomes extremely pushy about sex and starts to go downhill from there he tells me he can't wait to get me pregnant he has fantasies about sucking my breasts while i'm lactating and in overalls didn't last much longer than that turns out he was starting to use m2 sucking my breasts while i'm lactating and in overalls at least he has goals right after he picked me up he ran into walgreens really quick and asked to put his bag in my purse naughtily i assumed he bought candy since we were going to the movies nope right after the opening previews started he pulled out a brand new hairbrush rips the packaging off does the you want to put his arm around me while holding the brush and starts brushing my hair i didn't move because i was shocked that it was happening and didn't know what the frick to do he then leans his head on my shoulder while still brushing my hair and start smelling my hair that was the last time i did not drive and meet on first dates if you're into something weird like that don't be a dong and pull that crap on a first date at the movies without talking to them about it at least it was a new brush and didn't have his previous victim's hair in it i joined occupant right around the time it started and talked to a seemingly nice guy on there for a little over a week before exchanging phone numbers he had a good job was attractive and funny and just seemed like a cool guy all around but the first time we went out we met at an art museum for a few hours and had great conversation i left feeling good about it and we both agreed we should see each other again soon apparently his definition of soon was literally the next day i had classes all the next day and didn't really get a chance to look at my phone but when i did i had five missed calls and at least 20 texts from this dude the latter texts included things along the lines of be who the frick do you think you are to ignore me and waste my time you're fat and ugly anyway and i never would have freaked you i bet you have herpes you dirty b i was just like why it just happened ah the old i'm desperate to talk to you and we'll text you 20 times but you're fat ugly b and i'd never freak you context my dad is a police officer and i had a very sheltered possibly a little goodie two shoes of a childhood in a little town full of elderly folks and young families met him at a party and we hit it off because we're from the same little town first date went really well wonderful dinner and a movie thing i was really excited to have found someone after a rather long spell of singleness so i agreed to a second date with no hesitation after date two sushi and drinks i get in his car for him to take me home and he tells me he lives with his grandmother because his mom has a serious age problem and will disappear four weeks at a time getting high and selling herself for money to feed her addiction i thought that was already a pretty big bombshell for a second date but he proceeded to tell me both his brothers were pretty deep into one of the chicago gangs and had been arrested relating to crimes up to and including murder several times i sat there for a beat shocked and he informed me that he'd told his brothers all about his new girlfriend and they wanted to meet me that weekend i told him i wasn't comfortable with that and he started screaming at me about being a judgmental bee and i promptly fled and blocked him on every platform i could think guy begged and whined for sex i told him he sounded like a five-year-old and i was going home because it wasn't pressuring or pushing like some men do he was like a five-year-old wanting to go to the circus at bedtime or something we were in our thirties to the guy's credit i saw him out at an event and was just going to act like i didn't see him no skin off my back he didn't offend or hurt me or even scare me it was just weird but he came up to me and apologized for his behavior even started off with something like hey i'm not going to bother you or anything i just want to apologize followed by a legit apology what he did was messed up and why and then he left me alone kudos for owning up to it and apologizing when he could have just ignored me as it was a big event and it would have been easy to avoid each other and it was unlikely we'd see each other again he went from acting like a kid to acting like a super mature adult this one is pretty mild but i didn't actually make it through the first date we were at a coffee shop attached to a bookstore and everything started out pretty well he was a little quiet shy or nervous i assumed but i coaxed some conversation out of him after drinks we started wandering around the bookstore discussing our various interests he asks me if i like lord of the rings it's the first non-prompted question he'd asked i say oh yeah like it my favorite movie is the first one the other two got a bit repetitive with the battles he's silent for a moment lord of the rings are my favorite movies ever and the books as well i read the books too i reply conversationally they weren't bad but not my favorites he's silent again lord of the rings is very important to me i'm a little confused now i like them they are just not my all-time favorite thing you know another long pause his stare is oddly intense lord of the rings is very important to me and it's very important to me that you like it too well you know i say slowly a bit cautious we don't have to have exactly matching interests to be compatible and i do like lord of the rings i'm just not super passionate about it that strangely cutting stare intensifies it's really important to me that you like lord of the rings at this point i simply shrugged and resumed browsing but let me tell you i wrapped that date up fast and lost his number immediately but luckily my lack of intense passion for lotto was enough of a turn off that he didn't try for a second date i don't know exactly what kind of bullet i dodged there but i definitely dodged something after my ex and i hooked up for the first time he whipped out this carne hair brush and went to town on his balls apparently he had had it for years said the bristles were nice and broken in he said it was the only thing that could really give him a satisfying ball scratch he would just lay in bed pulling the skin out like a bad wing or something i have never encountered another guy to do this so for me it was pretty weird but kudos for problem solving on his part definitely the nazi he seemed like a normal guy pretty average pleasant enough good conversationalist we both had an interest in distilling and we swung by his place after dinner to check out his absinthe setup it wasn't one of those please come up and see my etchings sort of things either it really was just going in to see his setup as we walk through his trailer to get to the workshop where he made his spirits i glanced at the pictures on the wall every one of them was historical photos of nazis with himself photoshopped into them the one i clearly remember was himself pointing out some sort of design element on a model tank or something to hitler a guy took me to an amusement park where he ended up flirting with 13 year olds mind you i was 18 but he was still creepy especially since he was 46. guy took me out for drinks seemed great then asked me to move in two weeks later then asked me for money for his phone bill then bought me an ipad and then i realized he was a drug dealer oops reading that was like going on an adventure i had a couple normal dates with this guy i met on tinder the first we went to dinner and just walked around the city a bit and listening to music and rode on a ferris wheel but the second i went over to his place and cooked us lasagna and we watched dr horrible's sing-along blog when we were planning the third date he randomly says he can't make it after all and sends me this it's just that i forgot that i'm a crap person i'm in butthole and a liar i'm boring i hate literally everybody i don't give a crap about anything i don't care what happens to anyone including myself i think i'm better than everyone but also hate myself bad person isn't defective like a malfunctioning car engine is a bad engine i though he was just out with some friends and one of them was playing a really bad prank but nope that was the last i heard from him this sounds familiar i've known people who can shift dramatically into a deep depression when good things happen to them they feel they don't deserve happiness and deliberately sabotage it they simply hate themselves with such vigor that they truly believe that being happy is a bad thing to be avoided granted that one's pretty dramatic but it happens i honestly wish i knew what caused it he introduced me to his six-year-old daughter on our second date and noted he was worried she would have to marry a mexican no third date our daughter marrying mexicans a big problem over there i went out on a date with someone i met off puff he was cute seemed fairly normal we met for coffee went back to my place yada yada yada it was a good time about a week later a friend of mine in another state posted about how she found a high school classmate of hers on her state sex offender registry i decided to see if anyone i knew was on it or if there were any living near me so i did a search of my state's registry well three guesses who i found on it he has a common name but i knew it was him because the picture on the registry was the same one he used on plenty of fish there was no second date wait he used his sex offender registry picture as his profile on poff this was more than one date but it was still pretty early in the relationship and is so weird i thought it was worth sharing hope you guys agree not my story but happened to a friend sister friend and i were in college sister was mid-twenties and getting serious with a new guy he seemed fantastic and she was starting to think he was the one after a few months things started getting serious and he told her there was something important he needed to share she's thinking he wants to move in or pop the question and getting pretty excited goes over to his place on the big night barely able to contain her excitement at which point he shows her his secret room it was really a walk-in closet but he had it set up with a huge replica of smurf village and liked to play there in his free time like all of his free time more than hanging out with friends or anything acting out storylines with his smurfs and pretending he was one too it was a big part of his life and he hoped she was as into it as he was she was not fifty shades of blue i don't even know how to describe this date because it was so ridiculous our date was basically a two-hour power walk around our town i like walking as much as the next guy but this guy insisted we keep walking the entire date because he thought sitting was a waste of time over the course of 1.5 hours i learned that he hated noise despite choosing to move to a noisy area fat people and would divorce his future wife if she ever started freeloading or got fat how he's so smart how people owe him because he was so nice to them his car how crappy and boring everything else was how much he hated almost all music how he thought everything was dirty and disgusting part way through the date i started laughing every time he said he hated something which made him mad which made me laugh more which made him more mad finally he started taking digs at me despite having already made it clear that he thought everything i was doing was dumb and that my arms were kind of hairy for a girl that's when i tried to note the frick out his car was parked near my house so we walked there together and that's when he invited me to sit down apparently he wanted to wait the 30-some minutes until the meter ran out and didn't want to be by himself best date ever he seemed normal or not cupid we had chatted a few times on skype and watched doctor who in the span of a week then i met him in person and it went downhill he talked to me about what we would be doing for the holidays and what we would name our kids and outlined our future i'm into some interesting things he tried pulling my hair in public i was super not happy with that he even showed me a picture of a piece of jewelry he had bought me with my name on it when i told him i didn't think it was going to work out he called and asked me to give him another chance and he wanted to know what he would do with the necklace he bought me and if i still wanted him to give it to me the next day i got a call from a lady friend of his that told me he had gotten in a car crash he was the one hit and that he had mentioned my name so she thought we were super close and dating and asked if i wanted to visit him in the hospital i felt awful but i didn't go i knew if i did it would only encourage or justify his feelings for me pfft there was no car crash okay so i was first introduced to him as my parents friend's son and my parents were gushing about how he's such a great church-going guy and will definitely take care of me and make sure i'll behave while i was alone in la for college i was 16 and had no family there he was 20 we hung out a couple of times seems normal he asked me out and i said yes as a frick you to my parents first date was okay he seemed normal really quiet shy and awkward but it was adorable second date he comes off as pretty intense told me he attempted suicide just because his ex dumped him she wasn't cheating or anything it just didn't work out okay a bit tmi but still okay we kissed at the end of the night and he told me he wanted to put a baby in me i crap you not his exact words were i want to put a baby in here rubs my stomach oh heck number i was pretty creeped out by now so i was trying to figure out how to dump him gently i was still 16 so i was still nervous about dumping people plus he was the only person i knew in the u.s since i just moved all my friends were still overseas so i emailed them for help the next day i was walking in between classes when i ran into him my college is in la he lives in irvine and that's about one two h drive away i never told him my class schedule apparently from stalking my facebook wall snippets of conversation i had with him and checking the university's list of classes he figured out what classes i was taking and where they were located what the frick he proudly told me this as if it's the most romantic thing ever i told him i'm not skipping calc 2 for him since that class is dang hard but he wouldn't leave until we hung out he asked if he could borrow my laptop to finish some homework so i dumped him in my dorm room he actually read through my emails i forgot to log out and found the email i wrote to my friends where i told them how creepy he was i came back to the room he promptly threatened suicide i was stuck with him for three more months before i finally can't give a frick anymore and dumped him he did attempt suicide and sent me pictures of it as well as a long essay detailing what he did i wish i can feel guilty but i really have no fricks left to give started talking about marriage and what he expected out of a good wife i knew him for two weeks tops it wasn't even like a passionate omg i need to have you kind of thing he was just methodically and surgically trying to wife me went out with a guy who seemed normal i'm private so he didn't know where i lived social media nothing but my phone number which was just a burner as i was living in paris and needed something cheap to communicate end of the first date we start discussing politics and religion we held different viewpoints but were both calm and rational it never got heated next day he sends me multiple long paragraph texts saying he didn't like argumentative women that i was dumb barking cmw who needs to get raped no man wants a woman who debates him legit quote flooded my whatsapp with extremely long paragraphs of that nature i lean on the detached side so i laughed and blocked him an hour later he sent me more deranged messages on facebook again he didn't have any of my social media info and my fb is under a different name with a random email address frick you be don't ignore me freaking cm dumpster w skank blah blah slightly alarmed i blocked him next day my email the one i use for friends and family is flooded with messages by him my instagram not connected with my email or facebook and is under random username was flooded with his comments somehow he gets my real us phone number and sends me text saying he found out where my metro stop was knew the area my house was in that freaked me out somewhere in there he mentioned how he hates american bee how the last american w put him in jail when he was last in the u.s studying as an international student anyway i would have went to the police but i was leaving for portugal the following week so i just kept him blocked on everything and changed my us number when i read stories like this it just amazes me how freaking stupid and scary people can be i once went on a date with a guy who i'd known from high school he was a dong at the time but hey people change thought i'd give him a chance he spent the whole time telling me all about the takedown techniques he learned in his failed attempt to become an rcmp officer i'm sorry but telling a girl how you could literally kill her in five seconds isn't great first date conversation literally kill her in five seconds did you reply i wish you would we get back to my apartment he drove we're sitting in the parking lot and he asks me to grab his phone out of the glove department i open it up and there's a gun and two knives i begin getting out of the car and he gets out as well i assumed he was walking me to my door but then he follows me inside and sits down on the couch he asks me to sit next to him and begins twirling my hair and singing a lullaby i told him that i had some plans later and thanked him for the date to which he responds perfect i'd love to go to the get-together with you i then panic and tell my mom to call me and ask me to come over she calls and i tell him i have to go he says he'll drive i'll let him know that it's a family emergency and that i should go alone he seems rather pee about this but says okay we both go outside and i drive away my roommate texts me and asks what's going on because he's sitting in the parking lot outside on the hood of his car i wait at my parents house for an hour and he's still sitting in our parking lot but in his car now i end up spending the night at my parents house and he slept in his car waiting for emmy i came home the next morning and he is awake and sitting on the hood of his car again and asks me if i'm ready to get breakfast together i had met a guy online and everything seemed to go okay we chatted and it turned out we had a lot in common he wasn't a drinker so we met at starbucks for coffee he seemed like a nice guy friendly and was definitely up there in second date territory suddenly he asked me if my boobs were real or fake it was so abrupt i was more weirded out than anything i didn't think that was a pertinent question so i brushed it off he went off on a 30-minute speech on how fake boobs were a sin on girls and why they were the downfall of the female gender i wondered how scarred was he by breast implants and he declared that if we wanted to embark on a relationship i couldn't lie to him about my breasts because you know everyone always makes long-term plans on the first date i was about to duck out when he reached over to verify that mine were real when i smacked his hand away he got super offended and i booked it home texts of apology and request for another date came up but i ignored him thank goodness my following online encounter wound up in a more positive note first date he tried to fill me up and go for it i was like nah he was like but i think i love you nope nope nope classic schmosby my time has finally come i casually dated this friend of a friend they said he had recently broken up with his gf though they had been in an ldr for a while i attributed some of his early behavior to that he seemed nice enough pretty shy on our first two dates said he was a bartender at a pretty hot bar in our city i found out later he was two seconds from getting fired from his dishwashing giga to bill miller's he said he lived in some studio apartments downtown he lived with his grandparents these were all pretty big lies but my birthday was when things came to a head he told me he was taking me to a nice place for lunch he took me to an ihop i was disappointed but ate without saying anything he ate a ludicrous amount of food then told me he didn't have any money i was payoff but we had taken my car and he said he wanted to make it up to me i said he could by letting me do what i wanted all day he said he couldn't go home then and could i please take him with me i ended up driving to a yarn shop downtown he was twitchy and uncomfortable every step of the way i finally asked him wtf was wrong he said i killed a man and this neighbor his brother's been looking for me around here ever since it's why i try to stay away from downtown at all times at that point i just said i thought you lived and worked in this area he came up with some fast excuses but i'd had enough and he was honestly starting to freak me out so i just dropped him off at our friend's place and told him i couldn't deal with him anymore honestly it was more like hanging around a troubled kid than any kind of romantic situation that is far from the only story i have okay he tells you he killed a man and you're calling him out on lying about where he works pretty soon after ending a long-term relationship i started getting to know this guy on tinder he seemed sweet and our first few dates were actually pretty wonderful it seemed like he was trying to do the whole rom-com date style snowy walks in town ending in snowball fights and hot cocoa etc about a month into seeing him i left for australia where i was contracted to work for four months during that time one of my close friends from high school killed himself when i told the guy he got upset because i wouldn't skype him saying things that direct quote i was wallowing too much and that suicide was stupid and only cowards did it i stopped talking to him for a while i ended up speaking to him one more time once i was more comfortable with the events that unfolded he then proceeded to tell me i'd be more attractive if i wore more makeup and changed my naturally curly hair for straight hair and to wear jeans instead of my normal skirts and dresses needless to say i wasn't interested in a relationship with him anymore he still messages me on facebook trying to get my sext him what a scumbag when i moved into my first walk up in the city i had a rear bedroom that looked out onto the backs of a bunch of other buildings i was new to urban living and not as diligent about curtin security as i should have been and one day glanced out the window as i was getting dressed to see one of my fellow rear-facing neighbors jacking it i might have squealed and dived for a towel but this dude just cheerfully waves to me and keeps going with the other hand because of the frame i couldn't really see his face but i noted what window it was in this ivy covered building and warned my roommate about it i got better about closing the curtains maybe six months later i'm sitting in this local bakery having a coffee and reading cloud atlas a guy very politely excuses himself for interrupting but says he's a huge david mitchell fan and we end up talking about books over caffeine for a few hours literate polite easy on the eyes asked me out for wine a few days later first dude in the city that's asked me out sober this meat cute is already becoming cannon in my head we have our date it starts well but he is slamming down the sauce we had ordered a bottle of wine and by the time i finished my first glass the bottle was gone and he was part way into another maybe first date nerves but he starts slurring and giggling and i get annoyed i tell him i have an early meeting and he insists on walking me out i figure out exactly how drunk he is when he falls down the gosh darned restaurant stairs i'm trying to help him up and he just keeps saying you're so pretty so pretty prettier than i thought okay rude much i tell him no one wants to hear that boo makes them more appealing and he gets all apologetic but that was not what he meant the first time i saw you in your apartment i thought you were good looking but it's hard to see through the glass then i met you in the coffee shop and you're really pretty what do you mean through the glass the idiot is still sitting on the sidewalk by the way remember you saw me and i waved oh lord i just went on a date with my own neighborhood publicly masturbating peeping tom what's the weirdest encounter you've had that ultimately led to sex brought a bucket of legos to a house party who doesn't love to play drunk legos so i'm laying on the floor s faced building a boat and this stacked girl comes sits next to me and starts building a spaceship we now live together this is the only freaking tactic i've ever heard that i actually like if it doesn't work fricken you got legos absolutely true story 1986 i was six years old stealing sampling candy out of a bin at the sunnah mount produce market in sunnyvale ca ten feet away i notice a cute blonde girl about my age watching me and i shot her a smile her mother came flying around the corner and very loudly scolded me so that the whole store could hear unfortunately my oft absentee father was too busy checking out artichokes to notice flash forward 10 years and this girl and i go to the same high school and have become friends during one of our marathon conversations we stumbled onto the candy bin story somehow and connected the dots realizing we met so long ago she said she remembered thinking i was kinda cute as soon as i got my driver's license we were off to my mom's house every day for lunch we coordinated our free class periods before and after and had epic three hour lunches and frick like rabbits our 10-year wedding anniversary is next month t dr meta chick when i was 6 ended up having sex 10 years later been married for 10 years and together for 15 ps my mother-in-law is still a miserable b i got to i was six years old and immediately skipped to the tl dr yeah once i realized it wasn't weird i finished reading btw that's not weird that's freaking awesome hopeless romantic i lost my virginity playing madden 2005. it was my first weekend back from college in this high school girl alex who'd been with three four of my friends prior wanted to hang out she was pretty blunt and i was still a virgin in college so i agreed 15 minutes later i get a call on my cell phone that she was outside i come out and her freaking dad is standing there he looks at me and says i like to know who my daughter is hanging out with we exchange on pleasantries and alex comes upstairs being an awkward guy i suggest we play video games for some inexplicable reason she wants to play madden which she informs me she has never played before thinking on my toes i tell her we should put some stakes on it we agree that for everyday touchdown i score she takes a piece of clothing off for every touchdown she scores i do the same it doesn't take a genius to figure out that i was going to beat her soundly she would ask madden every play when she would do so a cursor would blink on the screen for which play madden suggested alex would then hit the corresponding button since i could see this too i knew exactly what plays she would be running and call the perfect offense or defense to counter it it was like the real life packers playing a ragtag group of autistic children i was up around 28-0 she was as bit naked as the day she was born and i realized how stupid i'd been i was fully clothed with a hot naked girl next to me i called a punt formation while she had the ball and let her complete a pass she ran it up the sideline for a touchdown i let her do this about three more times i don't know if she knew i was letting her score but it didn't matter we were literally both naked and playing the game yes i was still that scared to make a move when she looked me dead in the eyes and asked wanna have sex nonchalantly i said sure best five seconds of sex ever doesn't matter had sex i opened a beer can turned the tag around 180 degrees flicked it away and it landed square down in the cleavage of a hot girl sitting a few meters away that got talking had sex keith stone always smooth walking around montreal trying to find nutmeg i didn't speak french well she didn't speak english well we spent an hour also walking around the city trying to find fresh nutmeg eventually we gave up and went for coffee over coffee we made the sexy eyes and tried to figure out that the other was saying she invited me back to her place we freaked the crap out of one another repeatedly we took a shower i got dressed and left i ultimately made it back to my friend's apartment six hours later still with no nutmeg additional info i think her name was mary maybe marie this is a story that should have ended in marriage and been told to grandchildren back in the day i was hanging out with my fabulous male friends at a dance club i am a non-fabulous male dancing drinking having a good time suddenly i'm being assaulted on the dance floor by a guy grinding groping i let him know that i'm not homosexual and he laughs apologizes and backs off about 20 minutes later at the bar i'm getting a drink and the assailant comes over to me with a gorgeous brunette girl on his arm he introduces me to the lady and buys a drink for myself and her then he smiles and leaves us ended up going on a few dates with her and then having freaky porno sex in her living room bedroom car bathroom etc didn't last long though maybe eight weeks tl dr groped on the dance floor by a homosexual introduced me to his friend to apologize freaky dutch porno sex with girl at a later date that is a coolest freak dude right there a few summers ago i painted houses i was a skinny 20 year old and needed a summer job well come july my buddy and i started to paint this huge beautiful house complete with hot tub cool and full-sized basketball court the owners were super nice and let us swim in the pool after work they also had a super hot daughter that was 23. well one day the owners left for vacation and i'm up on a 20-plus feet ladder painting the dormer of the hot girl's bedroom she comes in her room sees me and proceeds to walk over to the window to tell me something the windows were the kind that you crank and they open up away from you she starts cranking the window but doesn't see that it's going to hit my ladder murphy's law the window hits my ladder makes it unsteady and i proceed to slide down the side of her house two floors up holding on for dear life to this ladder the ladder stops and him flung off and land on my back and nail my head on the concrete i was knocked out for a while and next thing i remember i wake up in the hospital with a broken back and a major concussion needless to say she felt bad and stayed by my bed until i could leave stayed there for four days until i could go home my buddy finished painting the house and i was bedridden for almost a month the girl always brought me flowers and gifts and we ended up dating and having great apology sex her parents even gave me an extra 500 for painting tl dr painted a hot girl's house she inadvertently knocks me off the ladder breaking my back and leaving my concussed we date and i get some awesome apology sex and then i painted her face eii out of the office when i was about 25 26 i was at the local bar i hung out at there was an unfamiliar group of girls to which i chatted to for about five minutes top earlier in the evening i noticed all but one of the girls left and the one that stayed came up to the bar where i was a bartender calls last call and being quite buzzed i turned to her and say kind of jokingly buttoned it how about you and i head back to my place for some sex everyone at the bar heard it and kind of chuckled until she says sure i have never done this before but let's go you could have heard a pin drop next time i went there i got a standing ovation from the regulars that were there everyone that wasn't asked what was going on so the word spread which led to another strange girl approached me with a score i actually rode that wave about three more times shameless one stage that event one time with a female friend two get standing ovation when i return three recurring sex i posted a comment in a thread on reddit about the weirdest encounter you've had that ultimately led to sex crosses fingers hey one time i struck up a conversation with a cute girl in a bar the conversation went pretty well and i ended up taking her back to her place such a thing has never happened before or since was it whit it was for emmy maybe this will be lost at the bottom maybe not in high school i was frequently at my good friend's house because his parents were cool and gave us a fair amount of freedom one night we're all hanging out and it's him his girlfriend my friend and i my friend was this girl who i met while on the swim team and she swam for a different school i met her sophomore year and she was introduced to me as a lesbian but that mattered not to me she was cool as frick she kissed me junior a year which was awesome but not really all that sexual just a good kiss well senior year arrives and we're hanging out at my friend's house we decide to go in a hot tub and my friend and his girlfriend take up his bedroom getting changed into their bathing suits the girl and i figure we can take the bathroom all we're doing is getting changed surely adults like us can handle that we get naked and then bam i was inside of her and we were violating every square foot of floor and counter space in my friend's bathroom the sex was welcomed but completely unexpected tldr met friend in high school who preferred girls i spatulaed her onto the other team one day while preparing for hot tubbing i used to be an emt i only worked as one for a year but in that time a girl from my college fell down some stairs and got a concussion she was so pleased with me taking her to the hospital that she got my number then sex the first two girls you push down the stairs didn't have sex with you but the third one did due to the memory loss from the brain damage the night before my 18th birthday i was at a party in the woods of a nearby development common place to have bonfire parties at the time if someone sees lights at the entrance of the trail and it turns out the cops had found out about the party and were coming to bust it up everyone scatters off in different directions through the woods as i had drank quite a bit i didn't want to drive i then tried calling a few of my friends but everyone was either drunk or asleep i then received a text 20 years was super hot and said that she and tori 21 years less hot it has a set of big olay melons wanted to see me for my birthday i told them that if they really wanted to see me they could come rescue me as i was hiding in the bushes waiting for the cops to go away they said yes about a half an hour later they live far away they come pick me up ancillary details emitted we then drive around for a bit talking about nothing important and then they drive to the park we end up getting out and walking around and they give me a car that was one of those silly poems on the last line however it said something about now we can hook up with you so with having at least a six-pack of confidence in my belly i say so is it gonna be just one or both of you tonight then they laughed but then as we got back in the car they asked me to go outside for a bit i obliged and when i got back and they asked me if i had a place to go i couldn't go home because my parents were home but i said we could go to my friends frank house frank doesn't have a cell phone so i went there on faith but he also has a mom that doesn't give a crap what he does so it wasn't that much of a leap when i get there i go in by myself at first to find that he is asleep i wake him up and say frank i have two girls in the car that want a freak i need your bed please frank pulled one of the greatest wingman moves ever for me that night he got up went to his garage and slept in his car i proceeded to have the best welcoming to adulthood a person could ask for by having a threesome on his bed it was good tl dr i ran from the cops was rescued by two girls and as a birthday present they had a threesome with me on my friend's bed whom i woke up and sent to his car buy that man his beer for the rest of his life i spent a night at hotel with a girl woke up hungover a little so i went to 7-eleven to buy some stuff met a girl in line at 7-eleven and took her to a different hotel a block down from the original hotel i high-fived myself teach me your ways bro i was at a house party with this guy i had been seeing at least i thought we had been seeing each other turns out he has a girlfriend and she shows up to this same party she finds out about me she wants to fight me i apologize over and over to her even though her d-bag boyfriend told me he was single she's crying i'm crying and apologizing i go into the other room to get away from the situation where this guy comes up to me and starts trying to calm me down i had talked to him previously in the evening but couldn't remember for the life of me what his name was he and i end up leaving and going back to his place sexy time ensues afterward i try and duck out without him waking up he wakes up and asks if i want breakfast we dated for two months one night after my friends abandoned me at a nightclub we got separated and neither party could locate each other as it was rather crowded i found myself walking briskly home quite drunk and a short while after i found myself crossing the street next to this girl who was pretty good looking after about half a block i used probably the worst pickup line that ever came out of my mouth you sure walk fast as i tend to walk at a fast pace her complimenting walking speed and my slight inebriation spawned this one line that sparked a great conversation she ended up taking me out to pizza at one of her favorite places on granville because she liked my vibe then after drunkenly ambling through downtown we made our way back to her place because she wanted to smoke some weed instead of smoking we ended up freaking for quite some time after waking in the morning i got her number and an invitation to hang out whenever i walk the two blocks home ate breakfast and have never seen her again oddly i remember only her middle name while it's not your fault i want you to know that i hate you do you know that i've been out jogging nearly i don't know a few times and not once has it led to an anonymous steamy penthouse letters hookup sometimes mother luck just throws you a bone i do still feel like crap for hitting the dog though a noise complaint about my band mid 1990s in a punk band that kinda rocked at the height of the green day offspring craze we were doing something a lot closer to the clash and dead kennedys unfortunately the storage unit we had for practice went out of business and we couldn't afford another for a month we decided to risk using our drummer's uncle's garage out in a rural neighborhood outside of granbury he had a few neighbors but we figured we wouldn't be loud enough to pee them off the neighbor's houses were at least 100 yards from the garage ha right so we're practicing about five songs in trying not to be too loud when the garage access door opens and a punk rock sheriff's deputy walks in i later found out she wasn't actually punk rock just kinda looked that way at first glance mid thirties pumpkin orange fingernail polish butch why haircut like an old blondie fan platinum bleached an array of very small hoop earrings in each ear big blue eyes she walked in smiling and just stood near the garage door we stopped mid-june of course law enforcement uniforms were a red flag she shook her head and told us to finish the song nervously we did she clapped once it was done and shook her head again then she apologized and mentioned that the neighbors had complained she seemed to really like our music asked where we were from since she didn't recognize any of us asked me if we were playing anywhere i started to tell her about a party gig coming up then stuttered to a halt when i realized she might bust the party she laughed and gave me her card said to call her and let her know the next time we had a gig a few months went by we had our first gig at a large bar in featuring worth near a college tipsy the night before my drummer joked that i should invite a cop i still had her card in my wallet so i called i didn't actually see her during the show realized later that i was looking for a uniform which she wouldn't be wearing but she came up after the set and gave me a beer said the music was a little raw for her tastes but she liked our act we got to talking through the night she actually drank too much to drive but i promised to take her home turned out she lived about a mile from me once i delivered her home she offered coffee and we talked more until sunrise kissing several times during then she said she had to go to bed and asked me to go with we dated for a couple weeks but it turned out she had an old boyfriend who was a cop that she wanted to get back with to this day i suspect i was a rebound lay nevertheless a noise complaint turned into the only time i've nailed a cop frick the police got an invite to a newly built house no furnishings just lighting and running water met this weird emaciated girl around 20 years old and chatted her up while drinking her body language after about her fourth drink was obvious she wanted to do the deed so not wanting to waste an opportunity i asked her when and where to which she replied your call as i knew the owners of the house and there wasn't much to worry about but for locking the doors behind me i got this idea that we could crawl into the lower kitchen cupboards and do the nasty we did with not much room to spare either now it just so happened that there were a few aluminum candy bowls and such in that cupboard and they tended to rattle and ring some while we were doing it who cared i figured the house was empty well as we extricated ourselves from the cupboard s i glanced up to see my friend the house owner in the archway arms folded and his wife y died and staring i took the girl creature in hand nonchalantly grabbed a half bottle of tequila from the counter and bad them a see you tomorrow look just when i thought it was over this emaciated girl leads me behind the building housing a print shop behind the building they had this refuse room where they would store large mounds of shredded and waste paper but she leads me into a mound and proceeds to really jump my bones all over again it was like some sort of swashbuckling event with me laying embedded in a mound of paper and her riding the frick out of me while i take an occasional swig of tequila all said and done she tells me she lives nearby and exits for home and i wave down a taxi and head to the bars for some good times some friends at a bar start laughing and tell me i have an assortment of what looks to be ink splotches on my clothes and skin a trip to the bathroom didn't help much to remove it either told them the story drinks were free for the night almost two weeks later i find this same girl while delivering a package to a lawyer's office she proceeds to invite me to the parking garage for some fun in the back seat delivery s done i mention how nice her car is her car know the boss's car tyvn exit met her a couple of times in passing after that her boyfriend is a lawyer at another firm a rather large and serious kind of guy we passed each other with a knowing glance and pretended we never met tldr mother hubbard loved the cupboard she was a print shop pro i waved down a taxi you son of a b head to the bars for some good times hugh bel air averted a friend of mine bought a desk from ikea and figured that since i knew swedish i'd be an asset in helping build said desk so after work one saturday i bought it over to his house he has the base built but is struggling with the keyboard tray i took over and screwed it in only to later realize that it's upside down we were both frustrated and decided that smoking a bowl would be a great way to calm ourselves down before proceeding after smoking we returned to the desk i picked up the instructions and asked him if he remembered what step we were on he responded with i want to know what step you're on at that point it was pretty obvious what step he was on we ended up having sex and completed the desk while wearing only underwear comma completed the desk a happy ending back in 2000 i was an assistant manager at a big chain bookstore we mailed books and magazines for people at a discounted rate as long as they bought them from us and we did a booming trade in prison mailings back then the shipping process was pretty arcane and any such transaction required a manager to complete it one day i get a call to come do a ship as i approached the registers my eyes fell on one of the most beautiful women i'd ever seen as luck would of it she was the one needing help i chatted her up a bit and found out her boyfriend was in prison awaiting trial oh nevertheless i helped her every time she came in once or twice a month for more than a year and we got to be pretty friendly one day she comes in comes over to me and starts bawling i bought her a cup of coffee and a sandwich and we talked about it her bf hadn't beaten the charges and was going away for a lung time 20-plus years she was a mess understandably but after a few hours she calmed down enough to be able to drive home i was her first stop on the way home apparently i gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed anything no matter what or when flash forward to 1am when i get a call from her she needs a friend she can't sleep and wants to talk i'm omw home at this point but i turn around and follow her directions we stay on the phone and the talk is getting pretty hot when i get there she tells me to come in she's naked and absolutely stunning her body was perfect without doubt the best i've ever laid hands on she tells me she's been faithful to her man in the year he's been locked up but she's probably never going to see him again and it's time to move on what was i supposed to do we fricked wild all night and the next day like cage lions we bit and scratched and pounded each other and screamed like banshees all the while freaking awesome when we'd got it out of our systems she told me about why her boyfriend was locked up he was a drug trafficker and got pulled over with 15 or so kilos of coke it was late at night on a not busy highway so he beat the cop unconscious and sped off leaving his license behind she told me he was a jealous type i still saw her for almost a year after she was awesome in and out of the sack d t l d r i frictor connected narco traffickers girlfriend while he was in prison after meeting her on his behalf in my first year in college i was kinda seeing this girl from back home it was on and off because of the distance i could get away with mingling she was in the year below me and attended the girls convent in my hometown it was her last year in school i dibbled and dabbled with her for about three months during the college year and as a result she asked me to her school debs prom formal as you know for most girls this is a massive night so she was constantly insisting how i should get to know the family well to make things more comfortable on the big night you would swear it was a wedding after she sat her final school exams and i moved home for the summer we started to hang out in each other's family homes regularly because i was spending a lot of time over in the house i ended up talking to her mum a good bit one to one initially i just thought she was friendly flirty but friendly but the touching of the legs arms head compliments on hairstyle clothes after shave comments on my facebook photos yes so mum added me on facebook did not stop anyway the big night eventually arrives 11 of her girlfriends and their dates and parents are at the pre-drink session it runs smoothly families hit it off at the pre-drinks in-house meal goes well hand job under table then back to hers for the after party we partied until about 5 a.m by this time most had passed out etc until i was left in the sitting room with my dad's mother and one of the other girls mothers a divorcee the mother again starts feeling me up and paying me compliments the divorcee remarks to date's mother i'd be all over that and then leaves the room yeah this is when i fricked her mum tl doctor went to a girl's prom and flicked her mama the after-party this classmate and i were both big fans of portal 2 which was a surprise to me seeing as she was a beautiful girl that had only played about two other games in her life one night she came over and out of nowhere i started saying space hey hey lady space she started laughing and joined in space space after giggling like idiots i grabbed her playfully and said can we go to space she replied space i pulled her close and said quietly let's go to space and then we had sex i crap you not there was nothing else to it no dirty words no sexy talk just space cave johnson we're done here tldr i used nothing but quotes from portal 2 to get laid waiters i've read it what's the worst first date you've ever seen well i didn't technically see it but it must have been pretty bad i work at a hospital and i answered a call on the ward from a patient's son he asked how his mum was going then asked if i could call him back in a few minutes because he was losing reception i called him back and the woman answered i said hello this is damnation 182 from the rendit hospital is xxx there she passed the phone over to the same man i spoke to a few minutes earlier and gave him a quick rundown and he said thank you and hung up didn't think anything of it until the next day when i saw the patient's son on the ward he thanked me for calling him back because he was apparently on the worst date ever where the woman wouldn't stop talking about her ex-boyfriends all of their flaws and how much he hates men he apparently called from the bathroom went back and left the phone on the table then went to the bar to get drinks i called the bad date answered and he told her his mum had been in a car accident and he had to go asap his mum was there for a routine tonsillectomy braavosa i was working in a small restaurant with two floors a woman and a man came in and i had a table for them upstairs it looked like they had a first date because they were asking those getting to know each other questions after ordering food the woman had to go to the toilet which is downstairs as she walked to the stairs the food arrived she walked down tripped and fell all the way down knocking her head on the ground two colleagues immediately rushed over to her to see how she was doing she was unconscious and bleeding from her head so they called an ambulance i went to the man while he already started eating and told him his partner didn't know how to call her fell down the stairs and that she was unconscious and that an ambulance was on the way he walked to the stairs looked down and walked back to his table to finish his food later the ambulance arrived and i asked him if he wanted to go with him to the hospital and he said no while finishing her food as well it was so awkward he just sat there for another 45 minutes eating drinking paid the bill and left i still don't know what kind of relationship they had and whether the woman is okay i definitely have seen a lot of awkward last dates i used to work at a very small neighborhood restaurant everyone that came in was a regular most were couples in their 40s 50s out for a quiet dinner but there was one standout a very handsome man in his early 30s would come in it seems only to break up with women about twice a month he would come in with a beautiful woman and partway through their meal she would be crying i always tried to clean the tables near them for as long as possible but i never heard much of his speech he always tipped well and was super nice to me and my co-workers it was just brutal seeing him bring in a new lady and knowing what she was about to go through plot twist he is an oncologist who takes terminally ill patients out for a nice meal to hear their diagnosis i work in an italian restaurant a few years ago i waited on a guy and girl who met for the first time upon arriving at the restaurant there were awkward pleasantries exchanged at the door and then they were seated when i was taking their order the guy asked if we had soup because he had mouth surgery a few days prior and chewing food was still a little rough we don't have soup so i explained that the softest food on the menu was knocky he ordered the house hockey and proceeded to cut each tiny dumpling into four or more pieces and slowly chew each piece he ate that entire dish over a three-hour period and the girl stuck it out for the whole thing she looked miserable and i'm pretty sure they never saw each other again man and woman cozy in a booth different woman storms in through the front door literally dragging two kids behind her right past the hostess station to stand defiantly in front of the couple and proceeds to be dude was nailed oh man those kids though i couldn't imagine the terror they had to sit through the rest of the night dude would not stop eating her freaking food other table actually noticed and we casually people watched the day together girl looked miserable asked if she wanted the rest of her food boxed up and she said no but the guy was like actually yes it was painful more a story of an on date i worked at a cafe and it was a small local chain so there were two other locations in the city this guy sits down for about an hour and comes up to the counter and asks if we can call around to the other locations to see if this girl was there because they had a date planned and he was sure she must have just gone to the wrong location we called to the other two locations and they said they never saw anyone fitting that description the guy stuck around for another couple hours buying two more drinks and a sandwich just waiting until we finally closed for the night i felt so awful for him he seemed so crushed he made a comment to her about how he's not due why so she should order whatever she wanted she was jewish spent the rest of the evening in silence as he went on about how his ex-girlfriend was anorexic and so annoying about food he was happy to be on a date with a woman who could eat like a normal person so weird i work at ihop about once a week two middle school early high school age kids come in and sit a table away from each of their parents and kiss and hug each other excessively one time i think the guy was getting a handy underneath the table the parents just maintain conversation and pretend not to notice the kid is also a huger served a couple a few months ago every time i walked over he would always be the one talking and she would just be sitting there not having a good time at the end i asked if it was one bill or separate and she immediately piped up separate i go and take his payment and as i hand over the debit machine to the girl i see the guy take his phone out and start swiping through tinder i was bartending in ny and watched this couple that had met on tinder have their first date sitting at my bar the girl was a complete maniac kept bringing up the fact that the dude she was with could be a psychopath and could murder her he had given no indication of this and went on tinder while he was still sitting beside her at the bar i kept telling him he was lucky that she agreed to meet him at all and she didn't think he'd be this boring she ordered about five or six lits and several shots he literally just had two beers she made him pay for everything my favorite part of this crap show was that he excused himself to go to the bathroom and left through the fire escape absolutely brilliant to be clear there was only one official entrance and exit this dude escaped out the back and she went searching for him straight up thought he had disappeared out of the bar had an obvious first date where the lady was grilling the guy on how much money he makes and he didn't really want to answer it was awkward serving steak and salad during an interrogation olive garden around 2014 or so from like 7 30 close on a week night middle-aged man of sub-average attractiveness was sitting alone at a table with a glass of water insisting that his date would be just a few minutes there's traffic at around 9 15 manager had to come out and let him know that the restaurant would close at 10 and if he'd like to place a food order he should probably do it now he ordered a brew sketer appetizer and said again that his date was on her way and they'd order when she got there 9 45 this beautiful woman walks in and awkwardly stands by his table i couldn't hear the conversation they had but the man then asked for a box for the appetizer and they wound up leaving together without her even sitting down i was working at a mexican restaurant at the time i was waiting on a couple and i could tell it was a first date by the questions i heard them asking each other anyway towards the end of their meal there was this hispanic girl sweeping next to their table and the woman looks at her holds out the remains on her plate and says would you like to take this home to feed your kids i stood there in complete shock this woman spoke no english but she could tell this random woman was completely degrading her but the sad thing is she seemed like she really thought she was doing a good deed her date looked so embarrassed i used to work at a little crappy diner place definitely not the type of place to bring a first date there was this guy who'd come in every friday with a different girl he was a very good looking dude and was always super polite and very nice to me but he was super awkward the girls would look kind of skeptical as they walked in probably because of the crappy diner scene every week about halfway through the meal like clockwork the girls would develop these get me the frick out of here faces that's when i would bring the chick they always boxed up their food and left right away i had the chance to talk to one of them while he was in the restroom apparently he wasn't harmful there was just something off about him that the girls didn't like his persistence is on point though once witnessed her date where the dude talked about how special he was and how his mind wasn't like other people's for the entire date the girl was politely nodding along and every time she tried to get a word in he'd cut her off absolutely brutal i'm sure he thought the date went wonderful too i work at a japanese restaurant and one couple comes to mind it was the worst for everyone else involved we offered private rooms that have sliding doors and this couple clearly was hitting off very well to the point that after a few drinks she had moved to his side of the table and they just went to each other's faces and bodies for about two hours they could have done all that with the doors closed and it would have been less cringy still cringy nonetheless but no the sliding doors were wide open for all the patrons to see kids big groups of people wait staff runners etc if i remember correctly they tipped pretty bad too so it was not a fun time a guy got stood up he then drank a magnum bottle of red wine eight glasses of wine and ate three apps out of depression his date called him and he started cutting her out he asked for more wine and then i had to cut him off so he got up and tried to run out of the restaurant with a bottle he grabbed from a rack an off-duty cop tackled him in the lobby and then he crap his pants in front of everyone waiting for a table he lied there screaming with the guy holding him down until the cops arrived and arrested him this is my fondest memory of being a bartender at olive garden i work at a country club that is up to its ears in old money that uses said old money to make more new money the membership fees cost more than a year at my university to say money is not an issue there would be an understatement anyways i was serving a young couple and the power imbalance was phenomenal she was the daughter of one of the board members and the entire staff knew her reid her father's club account was major money and the gent well he wasn't a member and certainly looked like he was just the average broke college student he was wearing plain but nice clothes and she was dressed to the nines in fashion the dates seem to go smoothly enough nothing out of the ordinary until she gets up and leaves the table before i have brought out the bill i bring the bill to the counter knowing it is well over 300 worth of food and drinks all things she insisted on ordering two bottles of top shelf wine neither finished two steaks when he asked for the chicken and she insisted on him eating steak like a man and he solemnly goes to pull out his wallet and starts tearing up apologizing that he won't be able to tip i mean i've never had a customer cry over not being able to tip and he further explained he was a server too and that she didn't know he wasn't rich and she left because he had told her about his scholarship i was flabbergasted and kindly reminded him that at this country club we do not take credit cards no cash we only charge two accounts and so her father got a hefty bill rest assured he signed a handsome tip to me in her name it was entirely satisfying last i heard her father cut her off i can't help but smile at all the life lessons she is learning like working to go on dates worked at applebee's this woman was the worst woman i've ever waited on she was needy and slurped down her iced tea like there was a worldwide shortage he was silent he didn't talk once except to order his quesadilla burger and she just kept going and going prattling on and she was mean too talking down about how people were losers to be servers and how much better it was to work in a shop at the end he went to the bathroom and just never came back he apparently jetted out the side door where the tigger girls worked and gave them a 20 to give to me worst woman was just sitting there and waiting for him to come back i stood there at the service station just waiting for her to realize he wasn't coming back so after 10 minutes she just started crying pushes her chair over and flounced out i didn't get a tip but it made my night so there was this couple on a first date seated at a table in the back at first i didn't think much of it wasn't even aware that it was a first date until the restaurant's phone rang a man called to let me know his son was there on his very first date ever the son was in his late 20s obviously this was a big deal to him and he called the restaurant to make sure we would do our best to make sure they have a pleasant evening my boss heard and instantly went to the kitchen in order to make sure they would get a special treatment what followed was plates with rose petals red hearts etc etc way i over the top when serving the plates my boss even mentioned the phone call to finish it off the dessert came complete with fireworks and all that the idea was sweet but obviously this was way too much for a first date of two people who were basically just getting to know each other as the evening progressed the girl was visually put off by my boss trying too hard poor guy up until then he had been doing quite well the pair seemed to have a lovely evening until my tryhard boss entered the scene that is the girl was polite towards the end of their date but it was obvious there was not going to be a second date and it wasn't even the guy's fault other people ruined it for him i felt so sorry for that dude i once had a guy come sit at my bar who was waiting for his blind date he orders a couple of drinks to calm his nerves well he probably should have slowed it down to keep his mouth from working faster than his brain in the ho she shows up and is wearing out of his league she is absolutely beautiful she orders a drink and they start talking i come back to check on them and i hear him talking about how much he hates children he was saying things like how he hopes he never has any and that he will never be stuck taking care of them and how he wishes that kids couldn't be taken into public places so that he wouldn't have to be around them she looked him dead in the eye and said well i have a daughter and i love her very much she grabbed her purse and walked out on him the look on his face was absolutely priceless i work at a fairly nice italian restaurant where we do a lot of business one night a man who i was not even serving came up to me while i was punching an order in on the computer and hands me 20 dollars and a napkin with a phone number on it he proceeds to tell me i am on the worst date of my life this woman is horrendous and i have to get out of here take this twenty dollars and please go to the nearest phone and call me and tell me that i have to get home right away i don't care what excuse you make up i just gotta get the heck out of here initially i thought he was kidding until two minutes later the guy who was serving him came up to me to tell me how wicked this woman was and how he could tell the guy didn't want to be there i promptly called that guy as soon as i had a free minute one of my shining achievements as a server it was one of my first dates where the waiter definitely could sense the awkwardness i was a junior in high school i had been flirting with a senior for a couple months and asked her out the day i got my license i picked her up from her house and within one minute of being in the car she got a phone call one of her best friends died of a brain aneurysm earlier that day i told her that we could delay the date and offered to take her home but she declined and insisted we carry on we get to the restaurant and she is crying at the table i didn't say any words to her other than are you okay the whole day because she was either texting her group of friends or couldn't make out words due to being so hysterical the waiter kept coming by and sensed how awkward i was feeling out of all my restaurant experiences i have never received my entree in check so fast the waiter was a true bro waiters and waitresses what are some signs you are serving a first date staying way beyond being done with their meal and drinks usually because they don't want to try to figure out if they're meant to be going home together or not when they come in and ask for tables separately then sit across the restaurant from each other for 10 minutes before realizing the other was there it was a blind date one time i had a couple who were talking about what they had been doing the previous summer indicating that they didn't know each other until recently they ordered a bottle of 100 red wine and when i came back with the bottle the guy had started telling a growth story about how he was so hungover on vacation that his friends had to carry him inside the airport where he had puked multiple times on various people things etc before she even finished her first glass of wine the girl left the restaurant and the guy stayed and drank the whole thing himself without ordering any food the best worst part was when he also chugged down her half-finished glass before he left as well hey there was like ten dollars worth of wine in there honestly can't usually tell i have made it awkward before by saying you guys are so cute how long have you been together before to get the response of their on their first date whoops they'd exit you gave them both approval that could work the biggest sign is when they order something the other doesn't expect them to get i'll have a guinness oh you like guinness no i don't know why i'm ordering this when he leaves before the food he ordered is made i brought it out and she asked for the bill because he left brutal experience she had to pay for his drinks and food she didn't even want to pack his dinner up to eat later this was not a cheap restaurant but the tables were close together so it must have been mortifying i gave her the employee discount you a real one for giving her the discount though till just how much waiters listen to their customers conversations when i worked as one i swear i never heard a dang thing my tables were seeing that's picasso you need to listen to the people at the tables not the tables themselves on my first date with my now wife our waiter figured it out for us we had been acquaintances for years through mutual friends and when we agreed to grab dinner that night neither of us were sure if the other was in it for a date or just dinner with an acquaintance friend i guess we were being just awkward and giggly enough that our waiter who had known us separately as regulars at this restaurant blurted out oh man are you guys on a date we both just started laughing nervously while looking at each other and flop sweating the waiter felt the awkwardness multiply and backed away like homer simpson into a hedge nine years later we're married the restaurant went out of business and i'm still not sure if it was a date or not i'm not a waiter anymore but one time i was at a place and the waiter came over when my girlfriend went the toilet he said how he thought things were going well and asked if this was our first or second date we had literally been together over five years at that point haha so yeah you guys aren't always right me and my current girlfriend had a patron at a bar come over and asked if she could cold read our relationship we said sure go ahead the patron guessed that we were on our second or third date and i had just gotten back from a deployment in the military me and my girl had been together for three years at the time and i've never been in the military zero points awarded they arrive separately and confirm that the other person is the one they are supposed to be on the date with it's also really obvious from someone's reaction if the other person doesn't look like their profile picture that would be a fun setup for a comedy two tinder dates where the partners look pair why is similar and the dates don't confirm identity they have a good time until they notice they actually matched over cross by accident and go to their actual prospective partners then both dates go badly from there no idea what happens after some star crossed crap probably colin d when i was on my first date nearly five years ago with my now fiance we went to this nice italian place as drinks salad entree definitely indulging cause you know first date i wanted to have a good time with this girl and before we even asked for the check a fine looking plate of cake came out and the waitress said that our bill was covered by someone who wants to remain anonymous all she would tell me is that the person said we were looking like we were having a good time and made them smile i gotta tell you i was blown away by this act of kindness and i also think that played a good role in me snagging a second date with the love of my life we're still trying to pay the act forward and find an obvious first date out at a restaurant one of these days we will but yeah didn't really answer your question but some patron noticed us and ended up paying a hefty bill on our behalf super wholesome and mad respect to the person who did it they look a teeny bit relieved every time you disturb them until things change then if it's going well you may as well have disappeared if it's going badly you're either surrogate friend fallout shelter or worst enemy that part is actually more fun talking about the menu way ii2 in detail to fill silences or using it to make conversation i think i'll get mashed potatoes as my side tell me about your view on mashed potatoes i think mashed potatoes are great very nutritious but they smell like death weird lulls in the conversation that consists of information friends partners should already know like how many siblings they have dessert island movies etc not a waitress but someone assumed me and my bf of seven years were on a first hinder date i could hear them say it from the table next to us so i reached over took huge sips from his drink and ate off his plate just for shoots and giggles i texted him about what and why i was doing this and he laughed grabbed my drink and said so where are you from abd sat my drink back down in front of me good times one time someone asked if my husband and i were together so i pulled him close gave him a kiss on the lips and said no we're brother and sister i had the opportunity and i took it highlight of my life that giddy little laugh at jokes that aren't funny the look of new love the awkward trying to get close but shyness overpowers and maintains a distance also had a few women straight up tell me so i'd help get them out of it one woman paid me fifty dollars to spill a drink on her so she'd have to leave lol yes i did spill the drink on her when he was in the bathroom she prompted me for help it was an iced tea i had zero intention of charging get to help her when i did it the guy went nuts on me up until then he seemed like a nice guy he was terrifying had me in tears she left he paid after more yelling and complaining to my manager who was in on it then left she returned and tipped me the 50 her phone was lit up with messages from him he was quite aggressive totally dodged a bullet there we have since become friends she always brings first dates to my work and we have a code worked out now although she's currently dating a good friend of mine they are super cute together we also have a note in the woman's room that explains if you order xxxx drink changes regularly we will help you leave without causing a scene we have a similar note in the men's room with completely different appetizer instead of drink yes men need an out now and them too thanks for all the upvotes i went on a first date once ah the heady days of youth and the girl kept her coat on i asked her why and she said she was cold halfway through the meal she took it off and i asked her if she was warmer now and her answer was something like no but i don't think i am going to need to make a stealthy getaway now i have got to know you a bit it was a compliment i think they take forever to order because they haven't even looked at the menus even though they have been sitting at the table for 30 minutes this is a sign of a great first date d i had one of these recently well so this happened last week had a couple and they were fine i could tell they didn't want me around for longer than what was necessary so i gave them their space it was close to closing time but i had a bunch of stuff to do so i just let them gab two girls come in and are greeted by my co-worker tell her that they are this girl's friend and just want to see what the guy looks like she seats them with an eye shot but they are disguised with some ball caps and whatnot they seem sketchy when i go up to them and mention that the guy looks like jeffrey dahmer and proceed to rag on him before i even ask them what they want i walk right over to the couple and ask if they know these people the girls bolt out the door as they go past the window outside they are yelling at the girl s w you name it she goes off to the bathroom crying and he asks for the check turned out to be his ex and her friend who had been stalking him for two months he also mentioned that this had happened before and he thought he was in the clear after he stopped using social media he did look kinda like jeffrey dahmer though pay attention to body language at first they are probably mirroring each other a couple who is comfortable together and have been together will sit however they want a first date will usually sit up like at attention if it's going well they might lean in towards each other if it's not they will likely put their hands in their lap if it's bad look for arms crossed or drinks thrown drinks thrown that escalated quickly served a couple the other day the boys parents came in and we had their tables next to each other by coincidence evreen had a good laugh and they moved tables this almost happened to me on my first date with my now husband we walked and as we approached the restaurant he said hang on a second texted someone i totally thought he was trying to get out if the date but then he told me his parents car was outside the place and that he'd just texted his mom to see if they were in there we went to pizza person walks in alone says they're waiting for one more person who should be here any minute handshake or awkward hug when other person walks in followed by apologies for being late not ready to order because they're too busy talking not looking at the menu fine by me a conversation generally seems to be revolving around very basic info what do you do for work did you grow up around here not going crazy on the drinks separate checks not always but it is a lot more common now as soon as both get up and leave one turns right back around and comes and sits at the bar to debrief the bartender on their awful and awkward tinder date i once waited an obvious first date where the guy was very shy and nervous the girl that was with him was absolutely stunning he kept his hands under the table and fumbled them around a lot whenever i came to the table they visibly loosen up so i talked to them for a minute and maybe told a joke or something because they seem to enjoy it i hope my boy got laid that tonight because i tried my best arguments being bryce not a waiter but i work at starbucks i can tell when a guy and girl meet shake hands in front of the register they order together the guy pays then they sit together talking laughing in the cafe for the next couple hours not sure why they're meeting at the register but it happens a lot if i was meeting a girl at bucks for a first date i'd meet at the door or a table and then go up and order together i always text hey i just arrived let me know when you're here and i try to meet them walking up i hate the awkward looking around especially when sometimes it's hard to spot them based off the pictures they used bc they always spot me before i spot them i'm 6 feet 6 inches so a pretty easy indicator in most situations i'm not a waitress but i hope that somehow the hostess waiter that served my first date with my husband reads this and reminisces at my awkwardness i met my husband on okcupid we talked for a few days and i'd seen a few pictures but it's hard to be sure what someone will look like in person we were supposed to meet at a restaurant that's like a small step up from chili's so he texts me that he got there first and had been seated already awkward but okay i walk in and stammer to the waitress something about meeting a date that had already been seated but she told me i could go look for him i then awkwardly stammered about how i'd never actually met him and didn't know exactly who i was looking for she laughed and pointed me in the direction of someone who had been seated waiting on a date hum looks a bit like the pictures but cuter actually i get to the table and make eye contact and he's like poodle mama and i'm like hey yeah that's me and we shook hands oh my it was awkward found out he thought there was a wait so he put us on the list but then they did have a table for two so they made him sit that was the reason for that awkwardness so we wound up talking for three hours until they were closing it was a great date now we've been married almost two years we still joke about the first time we shook hands it's usually about the banter first date conversations usually involve a lot of where are you from what do you do what's your family like etc it physically they have no connection yet they're very different from new couple who are all over each other or longer term couples who are just comfortable with each other the way they will talk about the food always indicates if they have just met they order safe date things apps that can be shared without too much touching serving women default to salads almost always although that's true in general i worked in sushi for a while and while the food is communal there's a lot of trepidation around using chopsticks not touching the others piece etc my favorite are the first dates between a white guy and asian woman the assumption she knows everything about sushi but she's vietnamese is hilarious to see also i also worked in a place men would bring their sugar babies and that's pretty easy to spot too and totally different i was a bartender at a wine bar that was a perfect date spot sure sign of a first date a well-dressed guy arrives alone and down to beer at the bar pretty quickly sure enough within 15 minutes the date shows up some guys just need a little liquid courage side story a few years after i graduated high school i was serving one of the bullies from my class i could tell he was on a first date and when he tried to pay with a card i told him his card was denied he had a second card and i decided to run it so his date wouldn't have to pay this is next level revenge in my experience which is mostly casual dining one of them turns up a half hour early and has a nerve calming drink before the other gets there it's fun watching a couple starts to open up their body language when they've been chatting a while less fun to watch one of them cower away while the other just doesn't stop talking at them when the other person is running late you really have no choice but to drink alone until they get there no physical contact sitting exactly across the table from each other will fall on eye contact awkward broken conversation friends will actually do the most amount of laughing and touching each other people who are dating for a while will be people watching and making jokes about the menu married people are complaining or whisper arguing not a first date but i did have a couple sit in silence the whole meal the boyfriend was stone cold silence to me and appeared like he was overheating thought about how awkward he was being and assumed it was a first date i work in a fine dining restaurant so they would dress pretty fancy i close out their bill and they leave so this was on a friday and the bar near our restaurant hosts a karaoke this bar is our local pub and it has a dive bar environment crappy food crappy pool table crappy jukebox and most of the time filled with trashy individuals our whole staff came to the pub after our shift and who is there my table that was acting weird they are sitting by themselves in the same silent way and they stand out as they are dressed very sharp i'm enjoying friendship and at all pbr when all of a sudden i hear cheering i look behind me and see the guy proposing to his girlfriend she said yes they got free beer and then sat and were now smiling then it all made sense to me that poor man must have been so nervous at the restaurant where i can only assume he was originally going to ask the question my husband and i like to make comments while out eating like you look nothing like your tinder profile picture i wonder if anyone has actually heard us and our stupid fake conversations i have a first time date tomorrow and i'm eagerly hoping for one of those under the table hand jobs everyone keeps raving on about you can usually tell by attitude toward one another or when they approach the host stand or how they order their food you can always tell when you're getting ready to drop the bill and asking them if they're splitting the check or not when girls are playing with their hair a lot if i find tons of hair on the seat i know they were nervously playing with their hair or if they need their water refilled for the third time and the appetizers haven't even arrived yet i do the same things when i'm nervous guy orders both meals then asks if she wants anything else she looks down shyly at the menu and he asks did you want cheesy bread and her face lit up but she said yes cute crap everyone wants cheesy bread i work at a restaurant bar in a mall a loot of first dates come into my place usually it's instantly obvious just through body language almost always the guy is sitting with his legs toward the date and the woman is sitting with her legs toward the bar conversation is almost always about pop culture shows music movies or other upcoming events maybe i've just seen a lot of awkward first dates but i have to imagine picking a subpar italian restaurant bar in a shopping mall leads to a not great first date these responses are pretty hilarious half are waiters convinced they know what a first date looks like in the other half are people in long relationships whose waiters were convinced they were on a first date excellent thread confirmed waiters have no clue they ask something to share but at the end the food remains untouched they dress way too nicely for the place the whole interaction is awkward not a waiter but once when i was at a restaurant there was two people eating their food in silence they would occasionally look up at each other but never more than a second then the guy clears his throat and says him to the effects of so have you seen the new space movie i think it was interstellar but i forgot she looks up and says nope and continues to eat in silence i knew that it was a first date that wasn't going too well i wasn't waitressing yet just to host this at the time at a barbecue restaurant not a fancy place but we were featured on you gotta read here so it was quite popular especially when they showed a re-run of the episode we were featured on anyways i saw a couple that wouldn't stop smiling at each other it was a mixture of cute and forced to look nice after i saw the guy eating his ribs with a fork and knife that was what completely gave it away for me he didn't even finish his plate oftentimes people especially males end up making the comment oh man i need a wheelbarrow just to get to the car they're old and they're talking about their respective kids and other tedious bulls at the bar then go into the dining room spend three hours eating two courses return to the bar for a night cap proceed to talk over empty glasses of ice until the place has been empty for an hour and i kick them out when they're overly courteous and flirty about whether or not to get an appetizer me would we like to start off with an appetizer this evening person one all smiley and sweet would you like an appetizer person too oh it's up to you and it just goes on for way too long the guy literally told me before the woman had came then asked what the highest abv beer was cause he likes to get drunk but wants to appear as if he is only casually drinking beer the date shows up and periodically through serving the table i hear him asking her about coming back to his place so they can do it convincing her that he is an amazing kisser walk by and schmad at him for being too forward the most surprising part was i saw them together not but a week or two later on a second date for our first date we went to taco bell we both enjoyed it and he turned me on to my now all-time favorite chicken quesadillas goater gets them with extra creamy jalapeno sauce though we ate in his car in a parking lot neither one of us like the awkwardness of eating in at fast food restaurants we still eat our to-go meals in our car first date was a disaster though i was too shy and young barely spoke he thought i hated him in reality i'd had a crush on him for two years so finally going out with him was just mind-blowing to me love this man so gosh darn much i didn't answer the question but i wanted to share when i greet the table and ask if they'd like drinks appetizers and the guy says so do you like mozzarella sticks no i'm vegan it's usually the case if someone wants to wait on their guest before ordering a drink i can always tell off the greeting to be sure it's 100 if the guy arrives first and asks my name immediately he'll use it throughout the night and we're apparently friends i bartend what first date behavior is a deal breaker regardless of other qualities the only tinder date i have ever been on things were fine until i noticed that the tops of her feet were tattooed with portraits of john wayne gacy and charles manson across her toes were the words party dudes when i asked her what was up with that she said i just think they were really intelligent misunderstood guys had a date with the guy who owned the sports bar we were at he repeatedly suggested we go to his office or try to go someplace quieter date only lasted a couple hours and that was only because i got on the topic of dogs with one of his friends went on a date with someone that i exchanged numbers with after crossing paths with them at a local market we texted for about a week before finally meeting up and exchanged a lot of texts covering a wide array of subjects and personal stories she's new to the area and doesn't get out much day before the date i ask her if she has anything in mind or any special requests for the date she says it's up to me she'll be down for anything a local fancy beer bar is having a tap take over from a japanese brewery on this night plus is in an area where there's lots of other cool things to do other than drink just in case we meet up and i attempt to tell her what the plan is but she insists on wanting to be surprised we make our way to the bar and she immediately clams up and sits defensively with me i asked her if this was a bad choice and she proceeds to berate me for choosing a bar as a date spot and goes on to tell me she's a recovering alcoholic and age addict so i've ruined her night i mentioned that never once in our converse was avoiding a bar brought up and reminded her that i tried to tell her what i had planned but she wanted to be surprised she called me and butthole and i walked out on her mid-sentence i went on a date with a girl who stole the salt and pepper pots from the restaurant when we left after our meal bruh not just talking about an ex because we're adults and everyone has a past but continuously calling ex is crazy and blaming them for their relationships ending great point when everyone else is crazy maybe honestly talking too much crap about others a little is fine if you're telling a story but too much and i assume you're a drama llama upvote for drama llama making a really big deal about something really small not only for the reason of it showing their personality but that it shows you two have inherently different priorities common not only for the reason of it showing their personality but that it shows you two have inherently different priorities oh my freaking god that's so freaking obvious but i never thought of it that way you have no idea how much grief you just saved me cheers i had a guy offer me coke on the first date once i mean if i was into that it would have been a nice gesture i suppose but i'll pass i went on a date with this girl and i asked what she had done that day she said hung out with her ex fine some people remain friends i know i do she said don't worry we didn't have sex i only blew him i excused myself to go to the bathroom found our waiter and paid the bill after finishing my drink i bailed nope nope nope only i would have bailed too loli posted this on another forum i went on a date with all the red flags dude showed up half an hour late he did tell me he would be late when i got there but then told me he's always late to everything he talked about how he used to be addicted to drugs and lost everything he talked about his ex-wife he talked about how his kids hate him and refused to speak to him he would only compliment my looks instead of anything i had to say he would interrupt me he tried to convince me to get in his car and go with him to a house he doesn't even own or rent he talked about how he looks good in a purple silk shirt and leather gains it was the worst freaking date i'd ever had talking about how people never sleep with you a awkward conversation b makes me wonder why what don't i know yet c makes me think the only reason i'm here is for you to try and sleep with me stop complaining about people not sleeping with you to someone you might someday sleep with it's super weird sounds like you found an intel one showing me a picture of his penis why do you have a picture of your penis is this normal am i naive two grabbing my boob three talked about all his money he arrived with a bottle of homemade massage oil he wanted to take back to my place to use because he still lived with his parents he parked his motorcycle in the handicapped spot and insisted on sitting next to a window so he could keep an eye on it he told me he hoped i would wear a low-cut shirt to the date he said i needed to pay him back for dinner by buying him some beers he was still mad at his high school he was in his 30s for expelling him because they knew he was the only one smart enough to build a bomb and he would if he wanted to holy crap that is also bizarre sounds like the beginning of a comedy film talking about how wild and crazy they used to be but they really want to try and date a normal guy this agitated me greatly it's okay to be a normie for me it's pushing boundaries if a guy keeps trying to do or pressure me to do something i've said i'm uncomfortable with even if it's something that seems like no big deal i'm out apart from the fact that it's a clear sign of incompatibility it also raises the question of whether i can trust that person to respect more serious boundaries recently saw a meme thing on facebook yo i know facebook is crap that went along the lines of if you try to shove a finger upper guys but without asking you find out that they really do understand the concept of ongoing consent and sexual boundaries ask that i rub calamine lotion on a rash she had behind her knees didn't ever really expect that to be a thing a date would ask me to do i left a recent tinder date practically demanded to see my credit score this was the first date so i was put off quite a bit by the request when i protested and assured her that my finances were sound she went off on an epic tirade on how her last boyfriend and most men are leech is looking for women to take care of them she did meet me at my office she saw my new car when i pulled up i paid for the first round of drinks because the waitress was cashing out and wanted to clear out check i thought that was more than enough initially to show that hey i'm a financially responsible adult i eventually showed her my credit score on my phone it's sitting at 780-ish because i had just bought a car she asked to see my phone to make sure it wasn't a screenshot of someone else's report i texted her the next day and told her that we weren't going to work row that's a lot of nerve or not enough tact or both late and doesn't tell you they are going to be late until they're actually late that or cancels last minute and doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with that both of which are signs of lack of respect and i can do that to myself thank you are very much lol not only lack of respect it's also a sign that they don't have their crap together and can not be relied on being rude to wait staff or treating them like slaves once went on a date with a lovely funny and handsome man he was from a pretty well-off family so he was a little bit pretentious but he seemed so nice and down to earth so i agreed to go on a date with him it was a nice restaurant but it was quite busy i used to work in a restaurant as a waiter so i understand how difficult a busy night can be for waiters got maybe an hour into the date before i left he was so rude to our waitress treating her like his own personal maid and giving out to her for things beyond her control when i confronted him about it he said it's what she is paid for he wanted her to prioritize us above all her other tables called her over while she would be taking other orders or delivering other food and get pissy when she wouldn't come straight to us while delivering to other tables called her some pretty crappy names expecting me to laugh he treated her like dirt the poor girl looked like she wanted to cry and i have no doubt that he not only delayed everyone else's meals but our own as well he gave me a disgusted look when i told him i used to be a waiter and he was being a total butthole i got up and left the prick with the bill handed the girl 30 euros tip before i left i was planning to use it to split the bill with a guy but she deserved it more i contacted he restaurant the next day in case the guy decided to complain about the girl let them know she was very professional and lovely and the guy was justin butthole edit thank you everyone for being so kind i am still a kind of waiter at a high-end wine bar it's nice to know that people are kind to people like me ro went to sleep and woke up to this being my most popular comment ever and thank you for the gold kind stranger it's much appreciated wow you are a really nice person that guy sounds like a total douchebag his mates just so happened to be at the same bar we were meeting up at one friend proceeded to question me on why i was a nurse and not a doctor the date refused to buy me a drink when his friends joked about it because he didn't believe in buying the girl's drinks on the first date i have no problem getting my own drinks he was just so weird about it and when he went to get himself a drink his mate told me to never contact the date again for my own good well he contacted me a couple weeks later letting me know he was an alcoholic with no job excellent nice friend if they start talking about how excited they are to find someone like you because you're so perfect and they've been waiting all their life to find someone they feel this connected to run in my experience there's a reason people do this and moving quickly i was too stupid and trusting with someone who was a manipulator i'm legally blind so these are probably going to be different from some of whiles inviting me to a movie knowing full well i can't see any of it i'll be bored and antsy the whole way through not getting along with my service animal if it's you or the dog i'm choosing the dog every time and i'm not sorry messy living spaces most everyone has clutter and i'm no stranger to tripping over everything but if you leave your priceless anything on the floor please be aware that it's liable to be stepped on incompatible taste in music i like pretty much everything and as long as we can compromise it's cool if you insist on listening to crappy pop country all the time you're done i have three senses damaged olfactory nerve no smell either so if you're going to crap on one of the few things i can actually enjoy we won't last long insisting on me drinking on a first date i like to have a good time like anyone else but i have no way to know if you're putting something in my drink i am sorry about this one but it takes a lot of trust before i'll drink with a new person all i can think about after reading your comment is illegally blind people when they speak i listen ask questions etc when i speak he looks around the room and glances at his watch oh sorry didn't realize i was just here to hold the mirror i'm not saying this is what happened but when someone talks to me i often discover that i have no idea what i should be looking at if i look straight at her the whole time that's kind of intense i met a dude i met on a dating site once and he did sure many things wrong despite the fact that we made a deal that we meet in public he insisted that i come to his house i refused and he was half an hour late i came in dressed in sweatpants and an old sweater i mean i am not asking for a tux but at least put some effort ffs i spent the whole time talking i barely got to say two words started bringing up weird heavy crap his ex and how he is ready to have kids was very pushy for physical stuff tl dr don't be that guy one hinting at what my salary or financial status is two sizing me up and down right asking if i was i'm a baby maker i'm a guy i recently went on a date with a girl i met online who brought her mom along i mean her mom wasn't along the entire time but she want present in the building we went to see a movie the entire time i kind of understand how online dating can be scary but if you are so afraid you have to bring your mom along don't do it i was talking to a girl online once and we were discussing going out on a date i think we were both mid to late 20s and she had been incredibly sheltered she still lived at home didn't have a driver's license etc we never met up because she insisted that her parents had to meet me first i promptly told her that i wasn't in high school anymore and note out of the conversation demand that i pay for our date not ask or expect but demand and then talk about how you never ever pay when you go out with people i paid and never spoke to her again any signs of poor hygiene i don't care how interesting you are or even how good you look it cancels everything out immediately for me i can't imagine touching a person like that or what their living environment must look like i had a guy show me his dong pics in his car while his phone was on the dash for gps then he showed me nudes pictures of other women had sent him all on the dashboard awkwardly extremely creepy shows you have no respect for me or those girls picks and have no boundaries he was attractive and we had a lot of shared interests but got the frick out of the car by the next corner we sat down at a restaurant and i ordered a beer after the waiter brought it she says using that to hide your insecurities mentally noped out of that date and ordered a second and third now i was hoping it would make you attractive refusing to acknowledge that my opinions knowledge or experience mean anything i've had a few of these here's one of the worst i'm a british woman and two of my interests are football and real ale i was a member of camera the campaign for relay so this guy says i'll take you to a real pub you'll love it there were loads of really excellent pubs in the area we were planning to meet and so i suggested two or three of the best dude says no he'd take me to this other place he knew now i did quite a lot of work for camera at the time and was pretty sure i knew all the decent pubs in that area but i'd never heard of this one and would have heard of any new openings but whatever maybe it was an amazingly well hidden gem okay i decided to keep an open mind well it was a complete dive and the beer no choice of ales was horrible i thought hey it was sweet of him to try although i was slightly annoyed he didn't listen to me when i suggested good places but then he started quizzing me about football every time i expressed an opinion he'd try to shoot it down not because he knew more about it but because i was female he asked how i got into it was it my dad or an old boyfriend neither it was me by myself okay then prove you know your football explain the offside rule name every england captain since 1966 for context i follow my team home and away and have done since 1996. i've missed one away match in 14 years and no home ones since 1998. i know football he then argued with me because i ordered salmon when we went to eat and he didn't like salmon bringing your seven month old girl to the first date and then saying what a good father i'd be and she needed a little brother or sister as soon as possible being on their phone the entire time i get having to check every now and then or responding to an important text taking a call but the amount of times i've seen people sit on their phones for an entire date confuses the heck out of me that's not confusing to me at all they're not interested might as well save both people time and just call it an evening insisting on physical intimate contact on the first date is pretty lame especially when you've known each other for a short amount of time i went on a date with a guy who spent the whole time talking about what kind of fancy car he is going to buy soon and how expensive it is because he is doing so well at work making over six figures he just did not stop talking about material things and it was such a turn off he was also extremely upset when i told him later i didn't want a second date had a date with girl a few years back within 10 minutes of meeting her she already described something i did as you do that like in to be fair she was from north west indiana long long time ago i went on a date with this gal she wanted to be the one to take me out okay cool as she's driving i get an unexpected yawn that i tried my hardest to hold him but it appeared while i was mid-sentence she immediately insists that she thinks it's best we cancel so i can go home and rest it's freaking 7 p.m on a friday night and i just worked a full day excuse me for yawning not that she was boring just totally unexpected i insist that i am fine and it came out of nowhere and not worry about it nope b turns around and heads back to my place i ask her if she would rather chill at my place and we get food delivered and watch a movie or something she replies in a quiet voice i don't know and begins to speed once i noticed she was pee off over a freaking yawn and began to speed i started to be a dong in hopes she would speed faster so we would get pulled over and she could get a ticket well it worked but while telling her how pathetic she's being over a yawn i guess we ran a red light and a cop was on the other side of traffic lights start flashing behind us and the sounds of the siren got louder as he caught up she literally locked up her brakes as she pulled over huge red flag to the cop him and his partner draw guns on us and shout for us to get out and have our hands up totally don't blame them i was scared and freaking happy karma caught up with her once the questioning was over and i explained to the cops what was going on they were pretty chill with me with her expired license expired insurance expired registration speeding running a red light danger to the public some other charges and a date gone to heck over a freaking yawn cops gave me a ride home after their backup took her away into her car towed they thought the yawn issue was pretty funny except everything else she did afterwards well dang that escalated quickly humble breaking exaggerating flat out lying unless it's a blind date i've usually done some form of research to be able to tell it's a turn off because it makes me think this person is okay with lying and this is just the first date frick you i did invent cheese i am surprised that how many issues i would regard as miner are concerned deal breakers looking down this post that is on a first date a person is typically on their best behavior if they act crappy that early on then it'll only get worse from there i haven't dated in about 12 years but i remember going on a date and having a girl ask me about a tv show i was only vaguely familiar with the program she took it upon herself to walk me through the entire plot of the first season after are you going to watch it you should totally watch it i never did watch the show and only saw her once or twice after that looking through these replies the one that springs to mind for me is when i can sense i'm being tested dates can actually be sure horror kind of fun if both sides are a not massive creeps b not holding the other dirty to ridiculously high standard c open-minded and willing to learn about another person way of life culture if you're reading these comments and it's making you feel anxious about dating just be the most respectful decent and attentive version of yourself and you'll be 100 fine the rest is personal choice one that falls under the same line of excess excesses trying to pry information out of someone i was out of a relationship and was trying to put myself out there it was a nice date however he asked me what's a cute guy like you doing single i kinda laughed it off and told him it was a long story and didn't want to talk about it truth was my last ex was a pose and it ended really bad like cops involved really bad talking about it can open the floodgates and i didn't want an unload on this guy the thing was he kept prying for information until i told him and by that time i was not feeling too great there was no second date this will probably be buried but in my single days i had a couple of first and never against thanos the first one that comes to mind she was foreign from a latin american country i speak very little spanish but that's okay between her broken english and my broken spanish we got on nicely she was very pretty we went out to a restaurant for dinner there was music and dancing after dinner service too so i was pretty excited for this date would have been a lot of fun except almost as soon as we were seated she disappeared to the ladies room she returned after 40 minutes at this point i had already asked for the check saying i think i've been ditched to the unquestionably understanding and discreet waiter yeah he got an awesome tip too while she was gone the table filled she came back and weirdly her english was much better almost fluent actually i didn't know she could teach her language she explained she met a friend of hers outside of the bathroom she was bouncing off the walls when she came back and then accused me of hitting on the girl sitting next to me berated me in public over it actually i stayed the course i did not want to walk out on her if she was high i'd at least make sure she got in a cab we ate made small talk i didn't really care at this point any interest in her went out the crazy door and then danced for a bit after another she talked about herself the whole night i didn't even get a chance to ask any questions it was a non-stop monologue at 115 normal playback speed she went on a rant about just wanting a normal guy normal usual hobbies 9-5 job homebody while she was not likes long walks on the beach and not much else type of guy when the evening was over she asked if thread be a second date and i said something along the lines of i don't think so you're looking for a normal guy and i'm not that at all i'm really quite outside of your definition of normal and one last one for today the athletic redhead looking for her soul mate with 10 year old photos that did not show the extra 200 pounds of weight she'd gained since they were taken i'm not sure if the extra weight came with her absolutely over-the-top racism or not i actually excused myself from that meal and left the restaurant without saying anything to answer a bit differently than most people not being talkative does it for me and no i don't mean if you're a bit shy nervous i am too but when i'm trying so much to make you talk i pick different topics ask you questions and you're just there answering in a word or two it sucks and you could say wow but what if you are the boring one well then you try and pick up a subject i really feel like i'm a nice person and i can talk about anything just shoot also another red flag you tell me you're in a relationship really if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 282,317

Keywords: worst date ever, worst date ever story time, worst date, worst date story time, worst date stories, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap, reddit stories 2021

Id: UBhFkJF-QhU

Length: 178min 58sec (10738 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 24 2021