[upbeat music] Mama. Mama. - This is the stage that you are the world.
- Baby, I love you so much. Yes, that's true. [upbeat music] I think the last time we saw each other,
without exaggerating: 10 years ago. In person like this? - More than 12 years ago.
- Actually, that's true. I think 2008 was the last year
when we actively saw each other. On ASAP? - I forgot.
- You know my last memory? - What is it?
- Cibo with ABS-CBN. That was my last memory that we're together. We consider her as our elder sister in ABS-CBN. - Actually, when I transferred to ABS-CBN,
- I'm embarrassed. - "I was starstrucked at her."
- [laughs] Because oftentimes during my auditions,
when I was about thirteen, she's also young that time.
(not like fifty) - She started young in showbiz.
- You've made me like a veteran. Like Gloria-Romero levels, really? No, but of course, you were the "Ang TV stars." - That's true.
- So when we were starting... they were the ones that you aspire to be. "I want to be on ABS-CBN and Ang TV." "I want to be seen on ASAP." They were the stars that we watch then. While in-line for an audition in GMA... I heard: "Hey, we saw Rica at Mars yesterday." - I heard them at my back.
- [laughs] "We saw Rica at Mars." Before Embassy [club], - "Mars is the place to go!"
- I know! - You know, what I always say:
- In Makati. "Good thing there was no social media then." Whatever they captured there. Oh my gosh! I was thinking: "What did they saw there?"
"Did they saw me drunk?" True. First time I've seen you
was at Robinsons Galleria, - buying in Auntie Anne's.
- [laughs] - It was Sunday, you had makeup on.
- You know, all of these? Very outdated.
"Mars??" You know the Auntie Anne's in Robinsons? It is not there anymore. We saw you in the line;
it was Sunday, 3 PM, sabi ko: - "She came from ASAP, Cathy."
- I know! Exactly! - "Rica just passed us."
- Oh my gosh! - Correct!
- That's our memory of you. Third time seeing you was
in the dressing room of ASAP. - Then I said: "OMG, it's Rica."
- I love it. You know it all. When I was new in ASAP, it was "Rated R." I know, right? That's really you in those extreme dances? [laughs] - Rated R is just different.
- Thank you for bringing up... - "my past."
- That's Rica Peralejo! You know, that's not what I felt. Maybe because we're in a group, so I felt like... I'm just a part of it. I mean, of course, I wouldn't deny, you know, there is some popularity
and then you're enjoying also that ...kind of stature, right? For me, those who were there: Like Jolina, Kristine Hermosa,
and Claudine Barretto— For me, it's like... - like I'm only second lead.
- Huh, are you sure? You look at yourself differently
compared to us, right? Yes. Plus all the insecurities I had
during those times. When I felt that "you're never enough." That you weren't actually that good. - I had those.
- It's not obvious. Was that your battle during that time? I didn't really know it back then, plus the fact that our industry is so...
"It's fast-paced." Super fast.
You don't have time to reflect, so I don't really understand myself. All that was on my mind was just "survive." When you are in that industry,
"Just do your best." And hopefully you last. When was the time you thought... "I'm ready to walk away from all of this"? Wow, I love the question because it's the same. When I really walked away. You're good, huh? Because I really felt like... I don't have a concrete plan, it was just more of like burned-out at 25. It's like all I ever think upon
waking up was my work. Then I become exhausted,
but I still think of my work. And I don't have much to look forward in life. And there was a point where I thought,
you know, the only way that this would stop ...is if something happens to me. If I got sick for example
that would prevent me from work. So that was the start of my musings. And then all around me, I saw my nephews
and my sister go back to school. And I saw how normal and happy their life is. So that built up in my thoughts. And then I said, "I kinda want a normal life." So I got a tutor, I said: "You teach me." "Let us do the whole 4 years of high school." - Ah, really?
- We studied! - Were you still active in showbiz?
- Slight. I did not leave completely
because financially I was not ready. And then I took the PEP Test,
and I passed it. After passing, I applied for college. Then you went to Ateneo. - Yes. So I passed in Ateneo.
- That's great! It's never too late to start over again.
That's your story: To restart your life. To reset. To know yourself again. But the reason why I really wanted
to catch up also with you is because I told you, isn't it?
That I saw your testimony. A long journey and I love how you
related the story of the bleeding woman ...to your story.
- Right. What did that story do to you, and how did
you relate to the bleeding woman? Well, okay. That started, of course... you all saw my life before;
I didn't have God in my life before. If ever I mentioned something it was
really a superficial knowledge that... ...there is a God, and to attend church.
- I know that feeling. So people would invite me to church,
would invite me to small groups, to have a Bible study. I remember saying to them: "Bible study, can't we just go for a drink?" Really, you said that? I felt it was corny if we went to a Bible study. So I didn't go with them. Until, this unforgettable moment with Sam Milby. His role was that he tricked me
into going to church. (not by accident) But I think it was really a divine
appointment because that day, I said: "Hey! You're here. Hi!" And he said:
"Sis! What are you going to do later?" I said: "Nothing much." And I realize: "Oh my gosh, Sunday?" - "He will invite me to their church."
- [laughs] In my mind, I said:
"Silly, why did I said nothing much?" So I was cornered and
finally went with him to church; that's when I heard the bleeding woman. After hearing the bleeding woman, I was like: "Why am I about to cry
even if I don't understand it?" I don't cry easily; I always fight my tears. I always have this outer
appearance of being tough because I felt like that was
the only way to survive. What part of the story touched your heart? The bleeding woman has been
bleeding for 12 years. And then when I counted, it was already 12 years of being
in the industry and being so lost. So I felt like it really matched... ...with my number. But aside from that, the bleeding woman
has been bleeding for 12 years, shunned by the community, was so afraid to come up to Jesus
but she fought though it. Went to different doctors, right? That's really unforgettable because... it really matched my life
because I've tried different things. I've tried... ...I've tried alcohol. I mean, like stuff for you to get by
and to tell yourself you're "okay." Alcohol. Relationships that became toxic. I also tried going to
a soul searching retreat. And I cannot forget that one time,
I went to this place, and I said: "I'll be alone." "I will not be with anyone." and I will... "I will just try to find the peace for myself." I woke up in the middle of the night;
I'm alone in my room. I ran to the bathroom. And I was looking for something, and I said: "Rica, Rica, where are you?" - "Rica!"
- Were you dreaming? It's real; I woke up like that. - You were looking for Rica?
- I was looking for Rica. Then I said: "Oh my gosh, am I that lost
for me to look for myself?" I woke up just to look for myself? So I was really taken aback by that experience.
And I said, "What's the meaning of this?" And really I was a lost person
and I was a bleeding person. People are shocked when I tell them that I find it harder to quit smoking
than quitting toxic relationships... ...but I was really addicted to it. I think, I was really
just looking for things that would help me calm down but there
was this rage inside of me; - I was really lost.
- Brokenness. Yes, I'm really broken. So, that's what I felt when I met Jesus... I've tried a lot of things... but He's the only one that I need. If you look back, can you now
answer what broke you? I do remember I have like
an awesome childhood, until I entered the industry. I think that's really what kinda
sealed the deal for me... made me super duper broken; you can relate how hard our industry is. And I entered when I was only twelve. Very young. I didn't know much when I was young. And I now understand that... the decisions I made within that
time period, "usually weren't mine." Because I was still considered
like a young person, and my mom also didn't know any better, so she was just really trying her best
given what was in front of us. And you know, we made decisions
according to the world, (the world that we're in) because I did not have the Word of God. Neither one of us trusted
to follow the Word of God, and the Wisdom of God
versus the ways of this world. And so that was really a major
cause of my brokenness. When I entered the industry,
I still knew who I am: I wanted to sing. I wanted to perform. But as I get older,
and they would tell you... "You need a change of image." That's when doubt creeps in... Honestly, when I was told
the offer for sexy movies. I said, "Me?" I was very thin back then. If you remember how thin I was before.
I thought: - "Me, going sexy? How?"
- What made you say yes? I didn't just enter without a plan,
you know, I was just doing this for myself; part of it was because
I need to support my family. And having that in the back of my head... Of course, every day I wake up, thinking: I need to work properly and
I need to do this to keep this position. So my career will not fade... not only do I want to be famous,
but I also want to provide for my family. I never had dreams of being famous... because I only wanted to perform. So if there's anybody watching us right now, like those of us who wanted
to enter the industry, like their idea of getting into the industry
is because they wanna be rich and famous because they think... that's where my "value" will be found
or this will bring me happiness. "I think it's dangerous." Those are good dreams. Even to be popular... ...and to perform and all that, "That's all good." But if you think that's going to
fulfill you and make you whole, "That messes you up." Because every workplace,
every industry has brokenness. That was a big source,
I guess, of my brokenness... I thought that, you know, this job,
this fame, this popularity, this career, ...will actually be "it." - Like this is all I need.
- The life. Yes. I mean don't get me wrong,
it has its perks. You know that, right?... we get to ride first-class seats, we get to travel the world,
we get to buy things that we like; but when you get there at the top,
and this is a bit cliché... - because we've heard it amongst us.
- Many times. But it is real. Remember what Paul said in the Bible,
I know what it is to be in lack and I know what it is to have plenty? That's what I felt... I've experienced having many things, and I have I have I have I have plenty. I've experienced having none at all.
(both ends of the spectrum) And I can really only say that
having gone through both, it's not through material things
or position or ambition where you'll find fulfillment or even healing. That wholeness that were
really looking for in our lives, can't be found with those things... ...like achieving your ambitions, or marrying the person you've been
really praying for, right? Even if you say "I'm a Christian, I prayed for it." Don't you ever think that it will... - Complete you.
- Complete you. - I don't believe in it.
- "You complete me." I don't really get the words
"you complete me" because... ...both of you are broken. And I think that is the beauty of
getting married, isn't it? It's two imperfect people coming
together and going to a perfect God. Saying: "Lord, we need you
because without you in life..." "...we could end up hurting ourselves." So when did you feel that "Now, I am enough." "I am whole. I am healed." When was that point? So being whole, I think, comes in stages. The first was when I got saved. And then I realize that, you know, there is
a possibility of being a new creation in God. That's the beginning of me turning away;
like you said "I walked away." It was tough, Toni. I thought to myself:
"Shocks! I will downgrade my life." It was okay for me to downgrade,
but seeing them downgrade as well was the most painful thing for me. My family will no longer enjoy
the benefits of me being an actress. - So that was the beginning and it was very hard.
- Were you scared when you walked away, like what will happen in my life,
how will I provide for my family? Of course, I am really scared. More than anything else,
it was really what they were gonna eat and how they were gonna live. If it's just my career... I'm like... "So what if I will be forgotten by people?" - I didn't care much.
- So there's fear when you walked away? Yeah, I was really in fear but... ...also at the same time I was in faith. But of course, I will not lie that
it's not easy because people will not and not everyone will respect. I do remember... when I was about to be married to my husband
and they knew we haven't kissed, and we're only going to kiss on our
wedding day; which is not... It's not "religious" or it's not even in the Bible
saying don't kiss before marriage. It's okay to kiss before marriage. We didn't do it because
it might awaken something, we are just protecting ourselves. But I do remember somebody said
"Oh, you don't kiss?" I said: "Yes, we really don't kiss." That is so not you! - [gasp]
- She told me. I said: "That's why it's in the past." I said. I just gave a simple answer, and it gave me a mental note that
"Ah, people are gonna do this to you." Will remind you who you are before
or who you were before. When you're trying to change, there's going to be that evil thing
that's going to provoke you. And it will really try to... ...try to discourage you. While you change yourself,
you'll that voice say: "That's so not you!" It will tell you... "You're too hopeless."
"Don't do it." "Because that's who you are
and you can't change it." I've read something like: So you come as you are. Exactly! Not only will other people
remind you of who you were, but you also have the tendency to
think that you can't change yourself. Like my smoking habit? It took me a while... before I could say
"I don't have a desire for it." But you know, I lived by the grace of God
and I think that's the beauty of... having Jesus as our God... "You don't have to be perfect
when you come to Him." No. Actually, come as you are. "Are you imperfect?" "Come here; I will perfect you with my love." And that's what I really loved about
just getting to know God... because I don't have to come clean
before coming to the Lord. Who is the "old" Rica,
and the "new" Rica now? The "old" Rica worshiped her work. She worshiped... ideals that she need to support her family. Actually, she worshiped herself because
she bore the weight of the world. That was one of the things I realized: "Why am I too afraid for my family?" The provider of my family is not me;
the provider of my family is God. And you know, true enough when I let go of that... notion that everything was dependent on me, it launch them off to like have
great lives for themselves. When I was supporting them,
I was holding back... what God really wanted for their lives. Now they're doing so well;
quite the opposite. They're the ones giving gifts to me now, unlike before when it's the opposite. Now it's like overflowing gifts
for me and my kids. And that was, you know,
born out of a decision to say... "I'm gonna stop believing that
the world depends on me." So that was the "old" Rica,
the "new" Rica is just this one: Just living by faith... living under the grace of God,
by the mercy of God, just so blessed and not "blessed" because we have this notion
of being "blessed" means riches. Big mansions, lots of cars, huge fame. - Having new shows.
- Yes. "This new show is God's blessing!" I am so blessed because of my shows. - Funny how I thought like that before.
- Life standards. Yes. But, now blessing for me is like... Thankful for my kids and our good health. I love and enjoy them,
I enjoy my husband, I love my family. It's that simple. Again, very cliché what
I learned about life: "Things that are cliché have real value." And all you need is "this." I don't like people to think... "Just because I did this or this happened to me,
doesn't mean it's for everyone." I think... if anything, I would say... And He has that story for you. and say, "If Ms. Toni did this,
then I will do it as well." A lot of people are coming up to me... "Life goals." "I want your marriage story." I said, "Don't wish for our marriage." "Pray for God's marriage for you." In your life right now,
what do you consider is important? What is important? It is to know... I couldn't keep myself together anymore. And I was so surprised that, you know,
even when you're a mess, (lost in life) And that's what I'm holding on to... "The Lord is able: What I can't, He can." And who am I to think that
I can do it all, I'm not God. And that frees you because,
"You're gonna stop trying."
