Why Narcissist Hates Good Partners: Sado-maso "Love" (plus Mood Disorders)

good afternoon wherever you are this is your true blue former visiting professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of seaops today we are going to discuss the narcissists love narcissists interpret certain situations certain emotions mainly negative emotions in certain psychological internal processes they misinterpret them they mislabel them is love but actually this is the unfolding of the narcissist sadistic and masochistic impulses the narcissist is a subtle masohist a combination of sadist and mazukis no not all narcissists are say this and not all narcissists Amazon but all narcissists are sadistic masochistic when it comes to relationships with intimate partners with insignificant others with other participants in the shared fantasy to whom a role is allocated by The Narcissist the narcissist's love revolves around pain it's infliction its management the gratification that it brings and the ability to regulate and modulate it is a proxy for regulating and modulating the narcissist's emotions and the narcissists moods The Narcissist in short is a borderline who has learned to self-regulate Via pain whereas the classic borderline avoids pain at all costs is terrified of pain and tries to for stall pain to evoke to prevent pain into some pain via the agency of an intimate partner she relegates the classic borderline relegates and outsources several very important ego functions in internal processes to the outside partner something I call external regulation The Narcissist uses pain pain received and pain given in order to accomplish the same outcome stability equilibrium homeostasis or in short survival so this is me senwachnin together with my shalom and this unfortunate mug as well and let us delve writing but before we do actually sorry before we dance writing um yesterday's video created a bit of a confusion people keep asking me so what do you deny the existence of mood disorders because this is the thing I said in yesterday's video I said the depression is not or should not be conceived of as a mood disorder it's actually a cognitive distortion and people wrote to me so you deny the existence of mood disorders are you aware of bipolar are you aware yes I'm aware of everything I used to teach psychology and I still do so yes I am aware of everything thank you very much for the instant education on the impeccable resource YouTube but I didn't say that there are no there are no such things as mood disorders I said the depression highly specifically depression is a cognitive distortion now what is what is the difference between a mood disorder and a cognitive distortion mood disorders exist when the changes in one's mood are not secondary they are not derivatives they're not mediated via a cognitive distortion such as grandiosity or catastrophizing when the changes in mood are autonomous when the changes follow each other according to a rhythm which is biologically dictated for example in bipolar disorder or with a small change in mood the mood is totally stable and is not a company but not accompanied by any meaningful cognition example dysthymia these are mood disorders but when the change in mood follows a change in cognition cognition that filters out falsifies and reframes reality counter factually an example of such cognitive distortion is grandiosity another example is catastrophizing so when we have such cognitive distortions and then they are followed by changes in mood then the changes in mood are reactive and secondary and they are not endogenous they are in many respects exogenous in the sense that they are reacting to a to a factor external to themselves so this is the difference between mood disorders and cognitive distortions which are which yield mood disorders cognitive distortions can yield many things they can yield mood disorders they can yield aggression they can yield substance abuse disorders I mean cognitive distortions detach the individual from the world divorce you from reality and when this happens Anything Can Happen including changes in mood okay I hope I made it clear and if I haven't please let me know in the comments and maybe I will dedicate a video to this boring topic before we proceed I would recommend that you watch three previous videos that I've made the narcissist betrayal fantasy painful mummy separation The Narcissist pays a heavy price for the Betrayal fantasy it's another video and the third video is the masochistic covert anti-narcissist yes there is such a video and there is such a suggested clinical subtype of narcissism the anti-narcissist fascinating very interesting video I recommend that you watch it the narcissists like every other living organism experiences his internal landscape now we don't know that about animals but we do see reactivity in animals which signifies that they do have an internal world the same with the narcissist the same with any other with any other human being we have no access to anyone's mind we can just observe behaviors and make deductions about what's happening inside what has caused these behaviors same with the narcissists is an inner landscape inside that internal landscape many things are happening internal objects are dialoguing talking to each other um ups and downs vicissitudes or liability of mood a bit of a dysregulated environment when grandiosity is challenged or narcissistic Supply is deficient mood changes which are attendant upon narcissistic injuries and multiplication suicidal ideation from time to time many many things are happening and very frequently the narcissist mislabels these things he attributes to them emotional labels and emotional content which are wrong so he he The Narcissist would label something as love when it's actually not love It's a combination of dependency and coercion similar process happens with the borderline and I have a video here dedicated to how the borderline mislabors her emotions or his emotions of course fifty percent of all Border Lines are men so and for the continuation of this video when I say he you can add an S and it becomes a she valid for both genders so the narcissist mislabens many things as love especially within the shared fantasy many many processes internal experiences and even cognitions are mislabeled as Love by The Narcissist but actually the narcissist is love so-called love is Sado masochistic it includes very distinct very powerful very fundamental and very profound sadistic and masochistic elements why is that because in early childhood as a child as an infant The Narcissist has been conditioned to associate love maternal love with betrayal absence withdrawal avoidance hurt and frustration so the narcissist mother is likely to have been and not good enough mother or even a dead mother in the emotional sense of course so and I have again videos dedicated to the dead mother the the concept of the dead mother Andre Green's concert so when the narcissist as a child is confronted with this ineluctable constant of repeated constantly repeated linkage between love because his mother professes to love him his mother says I love you so when the narcissist is faced as a child with this linkage between love and all these negative emotions shame fear guilt anger narcissist learns to associate love with negative effectivity love is a negative thing love is about being hurt getting hurt now of course when you get hurt even if you are 18 months old when you get hurt you become angry betrayal avoidance withdrawal absence or hurt pain all these yield lead to aggression the infant becomes aggressive but it is illegitimate to be angry at mummy it is even unsafe if you rage at mother she may abandon you she may mistreat you she may neglect you and you may end up being a dead angry child because you will not have been fed you will not have been sheltered you will not have been attended to so being angry at mother at an early age is a risky unwise and forbidden proposition so what happens to this aggression when the child when the mother constantly hurts the child ignores the child abuses the child uses the child instrumentalizes parentifies the child what happens when child reacts with anger enrage it not being allowed to become himself or herself and so what happens to this rage it's internalized because it cannot be directed at Mommy so child redirects the anger at itself anger and aggression which are internalized interior eyes anger and rejection which are directed at the self rather than at others that's a great definition of depression depression is a form of self-directed aggression self-directed aggression also leads to masochism self-hatred self-loathing the child feels helpless hopeless the child feels impotent even is anger adds to the child's predicament the anger and the rage and the aggression rather than modify mother's Behavior they add to the internal distress of the child because they become depressive it's a depressive schizoid phase and so that this kind of child becomes masochistic the child learns the child who is abused and traumatized in early childhood especially by the maternal figure by mother or mother substitute like a grandmother whoever raises the child this kind of child grows up with two lessons in mind and these lessons are ineradicable immutable they're lifelong they characterize the narcissist until the day he dies they lead to an insecure attachment Style but more importantly the two lessons are anyone who loves me would hurt me the proof of love is pain inflicted someone who loves me is gonna damage me it's gonna break me it's gonna attack me it's gonna hurt me someone who loves me is Gonna Hate Me ambivalence lesson number one lesson number two I deserve all this I deserve to be punished I deserve to be damaged I deserve to be broken I deserve to be eradicated and demolished and vitiated and negated and hurt and abused I deserve all this deserve all this because I'm a bad object I'm Unworthy of love how do I know that my own mother did not love me so here is the narcissist in his relationship much later relationship in adulthood with an intimate partner rather than engage in healthy object relations the narcissists attempts to do two things one he pushes his partner to abuse him because if the narcissist is not abused when the narcissist is not mistreated he doesn't feel loved in his mind love equals pain so he pushes his partner to hurt him at that moment there is gratification because the narcissist internal dialogue has been validated I deserve all this I deserve the pain so pain is gratifying The Narcissist using projective identification coerces his partner to lash out to abuse to hurt to betray him to punish him and that's a narcissist betrayal fantasy The Narcissist needs to coerce the partner to hurt him within this fantasy framework role of her maternal reenactment she is a mother to The Narcissist the intimate partner is another mother not only another mother but the mother and so he needs to force her he needs to coerce her he needs to convince her to brainwash her to entrain her to persuade her to cajoled I mean anything it takes he needs to make sure that she acts the maternal role that she is the mother that he is used to the traitorous mother the absent mother the selfish mother the depressive mother the dead mother he wants his partner to hurt him within the shirt fantasy framework because of her role and her role is to reenact his mother his original mother only by reenacting his early childhood does the narcissist stand a chance of resolving the ancient conflict and separating and individuating from other The Narcissist needs his intimate partner to emulate his original mother because he needs to time travel to the period where he has failed to separate from Mommy and to become an individual if he finds a clone of mummy a copy of mother indistinguishable from the original he stands a chance this time to get it right to separate from mother to become his own person to acquire personhood and so the narcissist abuses his intimate partner is part and parcel of the project of projective identification and reaction formation this is a tool primitive infantile defense mechanisms are not going to them right now he uses abuse to force his partner to abuse him he engenders in his partner reactive abuse only when his partner abuses him is she a real mother is she recognizable as a mother only when she hurts him does she fulfill her role Faithfully only then does she create the preconditions and the conditions for ultimate separation and individuation so the narcissist abusive misconduct The Narcissist sadism is ironically self-punitive it's anticipatory The Narcissist abuses his intimate partner because he wants her to abuse him back so his sadism his sadistic abuse and the narcissist abuse is massively sadistic thoroughly sadistic narcissistic abuse is the most horrifying form of abuse I'm aware of that's why I coined the phrase in the early 90s to describe a different kind of abuse an abuse that annihilates and Analysis Department an abuse that kills the department in effect so the narcissistic narcissistic abuse is self-punitive in the sense that the narcissist seeks to punish himself via the agency of his intimate partner it's like committing suicide by a cop you know it's going to a cup and slapping the cup and trying to take his his gun of course the couple shoot you and kill you that is suicide by cop same with the narcissist self-abuse by intimate partner self-destruction by intimate partner so the narcissists sadism is motivational wants to motivate his father to behave in a highly channeled and specified way he wants to mold and control his partner so as to make sure that her behavioral Repertory is limited to his needs and so his sadism losses sadism is anticipatory he anticipates the reactive abuse he anticipates being abused by his intimate partner when the narcissist abuses his partner narcissistically when he inflicts narcissistic abuse on his partner when he hurts her when he pains her when he puts her through Agony and worse he knows that he's pushing her to the Limit he knows he's gonna be punished for this Behavior one way or another she's going to abandon him she's going to lash out she's going to go to the police I don't know she's going to punish him somehow he knows it and this is what he anticipates he anticipates this with joy in gratification and Glee narcissistic sadism is anticipatory it engenders the very masochistic pleasure of being punished and agonized and this is actually sadistic Supply that's why narcissists are not classical sadists as I have said repeatedly in many videos the narcissist is not a classical series the classical Sadies sadist enjoys other people's pain humiliation and discomfort so he triggers in them pain humiliation and discomfort that's the classic sadist the narcissist uses sadism to self-punish to self-destruct to self-defeat to self-handica ultimately to self-annihilate The Narcissist sadistic Supply the fact that the narcissist enjoys being a sadist is because he knows that punishment is on its way his sadism is self-punity he enjoys and delights in being destroyed in being punished so The Narcissist sadistic Supply is camouflaged masochistic Supply he when he sees other when he Witnesses other people his intimate partner especially writhing in pain falling apart crying destroyed he cut he's he's elated he is elated not because she's in pain not because she's falling apart not because she's destroyed actually that makes him feel bad in many narcissists feel bad about this they say to myself oh my god what have I done you know or I shouldn't have done it all you know they feel bad they feel out of control no the the joy the gratification the happiness the elation because they know what's coming what's coming is act two of this theater play act two where the narcissist is no more destroyed the so the analysis is sadistic Supply is predicated upon and conditioned on the responsiveness of the intimate partner forces the intimate partner to become an abuser and even sadistic evil without conscience without compunction without compassion The Narcissist pushes an intimate partner is intimate partner to become psychopathic an animal devoid of any empathy when the partner refuses to fulfill this role a assigned to her by the narcissist when she insists on her empathy on her Humanity on her compassion on her morality when she insists in short to remain a good person that frustrates the narcissist the intimate the narcissist the The Narcissist intimate partner when she is compliant when she is submissive when she refuses to engage in her assigned role as The Narcissist Scourge as the narcissist divinely mitted punishment when she won't be pushed by the narcissist to behave as a narcissist when the narcissists can't make her lose her empathy and compassion for him when the narcissist fails to somehow quench her love for him when she doesn't become his hater his enemy the persecutory object in his mind when she remains a good person despite all the narcissist's efforts to convert her into a sadistic abuser narcissist perceives this is the passive aggressive denial of his gratification I want you to understand this Twisted logic The Narcissist pushes you to become a sadistic abuser or an abusive sadist narcissist wants you to punish him without empathy without compunction without remorse without anything compassion nothing narcissist wants you to hate him narcissists love to be hated they understand the language of hate they descend only the language of rejection and avoidance and withdrawal and pain they associate it with love if you love me hurt me if you love me punish me says the narcissist and if you refuse to cause me pain and if you refuse to penalize me and you if you want to participate in this game of mine and you are denying me my happiness and my gratification you are being passive aggressive you are you're being unfriendly The Narcissist in order to separate from you and individuate in order to reenact the early conflict with his mother of origin The Narcissist needs you to become his enemy he needs to convert you in his mind to a per secondary object and for you to become a persecretary object in the narcissist mind you need to persecute him and if you do not persecute him if you do not do not hunt him down if you do not attempt to take him down if you don't hate him if you don't punish him if you have empathy and compassion for him if your conscience is still in operation if you avoid doing certain things because there are too much Beyond The Pale if you don't become cruel and aggressive and sadistic you are withholding you're withholding what the narcissist needs from you you're denying him his most essential psychological need and dynamic separating from you to devalue you you must become evil in bed in an enemy in the narcissist mind only then can he devalue you and then once he has devalued you he is free to go you're denying by remaining a good friend a faithful spouse a loving girlfriend you're denying The Narcissist his freedom you're denying him his freedom you're keeping him Shackled captured you're enslaving him the narcissist's freedom consists in his ability to separate from you but how can it separate from you if you don't give him reasons to separate from you if you don't play out the part in the script of the shared fantasy and so if you if you stay if you remain a good person and you want you won't hurt the narcissist if you don't seek The Narcissist destruction ruination something is wrong with you as far as the narcissist is concerned and this leads the narcissist to escalate is abusive sadism to push the envelope to cross every boundary to exaggerate to the extreme or the extremists his abusive sadism knows no bounds and stops at nothing it can become and very often does become very dangerous if you frustrate the narcissist Quest to shatter his life against your rock you know to crash his life against your rock if you deny him this if you frustrate him if you're being passive aggressive in his eyes if you're being punitive by not punishing him you are not allowing him to separate then you are a kidnapper a kidnapper he's a hostage and so his hatred knows no bounds and he feels legitimized in seeking your destruction by any means possible in killing you not maybe figuratively but not maybe literally but figure it metaphorically submissiveness the intimate partner submissiveness and compliance and meekness and loving caring attitude and compassion and empathy and understanding and acceptance the bed the narcissist is hate zombies hates all this because it prevents you from regarding you as the enemy and then you can all separate from submissiveness also leads to escalation in the narcissist abuse and sadism because this growing tolerance and desensitization the abnormal becomes The New Normal so both of you develop a habit as the narcissist abuses you sadistically it becomes routine it becomes accepted it becomes nothing to write home about you wake up in the morning you're being shouted at after 10 years you know you expect it to happen it doesn't Shout At You something's wrong you learn to adopt the narcissist's point of view that abuse is love at least he notices you he pays attention to you so this decent sensitization this tolerance increasing tolerance the bar is lifted higher or shall I say lower and lower abysmally lower so at some point verbal aggression becomes physical aggression and physical aggression becomes life-threatening this escalation knows no bounds as long as you don't put a stop to it and enforce firm communicable boundaries a reactively abusive partner or even an abusive partner not reactively just being just abusing a predatory Parton is perceived by the narcissist is a good enough mother topsy-turvy the world turned on its head the narcissist's ideal intimate partner is an abuser a predator a sadist a hater The Narcissist perceives these kind of Partners as maternally loving and caring because that's the only model of a mother he has ever had this is the modeling theory of bandura it allies The Narcissist modeled himself on his mother and created an internal working model in a view of the world in a theory of mind the theory of how what makes other people tick and how their minds operate so the narcissist generates these theories based initially on the only sample he has and the only sample he has is his mother and his mother has been anything but loving and caring but she communicated to him that this is love this is care abuse is love Newspeak George Orwell's 1984. abuse his love punishment is caring tough love you know the concept so the narcissists seeks to recreate his mother in every new intimate partner and this is known as repetition compulsion he identifies he identifies a good loving caring attentive mother in a partner who inflicts pain on him hurts him frustrates him avoids him withdraws penalizes him threatens him and acts on the threats of course this when the narcissist is in a couple in a diet with this kind of partner a partner which is reminiscent of his original mother and there therefore allows him to recreate the Early Childhood environment and to proceed to separation and individuation this ameliorates The Narcissist abuse the narcissist is far less abusive towards Partners who are abusive to him he is far more abusing towards Partners who are submissive compliant or just loving and caring in the true sense of the world the narcissist abuse is reduced diminished when the narcissist's partner emulates latest original mother allowing him to convert her in his mind into an enemy a demon a persecretary object and therefore conveniently to devalue her and separate from her this is the kind of partner The Narcissist once this is the kind of partner The Narcissist needs this is the kind of partner the shared fantasy is all about the narcissists is far less abusive with these kind of Partners but at the same time he has a much heightened abandonment anxiety and infantile regressive dependency on masochistic Supply this kind of partner usually also cheats on the narcissist she's unfaithful she triangulates she hurts him in many ways so the narcissist is terrified of losing her prematurely prematurely before the separation in the idealization phase the love bombing phase nonsense is terrified of losing experiences abandonment anxiety becomes dependent as an infant is so it's a kind of infantile regressive dependency and derives from her masochistic Supply he feels justly punished he he Revels and celebrates his own self-destruction narcissists enjoy the process of safety structure because it validates everything they've learned about relationships about maternal figures about themselves and about the world it makes them feel safe self-destruction self-punishment self-punitive environments and situations make them feel safe they know the ropes this is their comfort zone narcissist is in one of two states in the shared fantasy sadomasochistically gratified by a punitive mother figure an intimate partner that is a punitive mother figure so then he is gratified satisfied that situation number one or sadomasochistically frustrated by a truly loving or mature partner So within the shared fantasy shed fantasy is an instrument it's a tool it is intended to secure separation individuation that's the only role of the shepherd so when the partner colludes and collaborates in this when the partner becomes the enemy when the partner becomes demonic when the partner becomes punitive hateful and the partner becomes threatening great the shared fantasy is working the valuation sits sits in and separation becomes possible when the partner on the other hand is submissive and compliant and meek and loving and caring and so on so forth there's no way to convert the intimate partner effectively into a persecutory object it's a very contorted process in any case and then separation individuation becomes becoming possible the Russian fantasy collapses so these are the two situations two outcomes of the shared funders the first outcome ironically when the intimate partner is hateful in punitive and threatening and colludes with the narcissist in separation individuation in that outcome this leads this outcome leads to attachment The Narcissist becomes attached to this partner in the idealization phase and even in the devaluation phase she is she guarantees his ability to separate and become an individual of course he's the most important person in his life and then he emotionally invests in her he is affected the risk affixes he gets attached to her because she's like Mommy any is emotionally invested or is basically committed and he develops dependency and then he attempts separation individuation from the maternal figure via devaluation and discard and very frequently if there's no multiplication involved he tries to Hoover this kind of partner in the future the second outcome when the internet partner refuses to collaborate with the narcissist refuses to become the enemy refuses to persecute the narcissist and threaten the narcissist and you know he refuses to be the democrite sword above the narcissist's head this kind of partner leads to sadistic and coercive narcissistic abuse in a power play The Narcissist must have his way with the intimate partner or Annihilator is a frustrating object either she collaborates or she's dead these are the two options so when the intimate partner is punitive and abusive and collaborates with the narcissist in order to yield separation when she makes it easy for the narcissist to devalue her and consider her as an enemy in a hate object the narcissists get attached to this partner emotionally invest in her catheter becomes dependent on when the partner is truly loving and good and empathic The Narcissist hates her guts because she frustrates him so he enhances and increases and amplifies and magnifies his coercion his abuse his sadism it becomes a power play he's gonna break her he's gonna domesticate her he's gonna tame her he's gonna make her what he wants her to be his enemy he's gonna have his way and if she wants to come and if she won't transform and if she won't collaborate include losses is going to destroy her he's going to ruin her it's going to annihilate her he's gonna to kill her metaphorically or in rare cases figurative uh literally she is a frustrating object she must be doing this on purpose she's passive aggressive aggressive this she hates him she doesn't love him her love is masqueraded hate because that she loved him truly she would have abused you and she loved him truly she would have caused him pain she would have punished him the way his original mother did had she loved him truly she would have given him his freedom to separate from them to individuate from her no she she doesn't do any of these things through her fake love and caring through her feigned empathy and compassion she keeps him hostage she keeps him she makes him um she she takes away his independence and autonomy and agency she's a kidnapper and so he hates her The Narcissist loves those who hate him and hates those who love him because the narcissist strives and prospers and flourishes in an environment that is replete with and suffused with hatred rejection threat and avoidance the narcissist is an absence there's nobody there and of course he resonates best with another absence when you try to be there for him you're threatening his essence and he hates your guts forever

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 128,253

Keywords: narcissist, mother, abuse, emulating, empathy, emotions, abandonment anxiety, mate, self-control, relationships, intimate partner, dependent, passive-aggressive, frustrating, persecutory object, enemy, devaluation, discard, separation-individuation, caring, loving, pain, hurt, avoidance, withdrawal, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, object relations, shared fantasy, defenses, bad object, aggression, anger, rage, personhood, dependency, regulation, idealization, childhood, internalization, agency, autonomy

Id: suq2H_FyaHI

Length: 44min 51sec (2691 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 19 2023