Secret of Narcissist's Romantic Attraction: How YOU Self-destruct

H you look too cheerful I have to restore your reality testing and take you down a peg you think this is going to be a good year not if you keep watching my videos So today we're going to discuss romantic attraction why do you want to be intimate with the narcissist why do we want to create a couple or a diet with the narcissist in a previous video we discussed sexual attraction not romantic attraction now first of all before we proceed there's a big difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction sexual attraction is usually premised on sexual differentiation sexual orientation and sexual preference so for example you could be um bisexual sexually but heteroromantic in other words you could sleep with both sexes but you would have love affairs only with a member of the opposite sex the combinations the permutations are endless you could be homosexual and heteroromantic you could be asexual and heteroromantic etc etc so sexual attraction and romantic attraction have different manifestations in different e theologies ethology means reasons psychological reasons the psychodynamic processes involved in sexual attraction and romantic attractions are are very very different that's why I divided it into two videos why are you attracted to the narcissist sexually and now this video why are you attracted to the narcissis romantically and I'm not sure at all they you're going to like the answers and a propo romantic attraction to The Narcissist my name is sakin I'm the author of malignant self love narcissism Revisited I a former visiting professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of Cups which stands for Commonwealth Institute for advanced professional studies Cambridge United Kingdom Toronto Canada Outreach campus in Lagos Nigeria where else first of all before we before we enter the topic before we peruse the topic remember that the narcissist has two major instruments two major tools to get you involved in his life and in his shared fantasy to render you an accomplice and a collaborator and an element of the shared fantasy the first tool is called empathy the narcissist is able to scan you to spot your vulnerabilities and weaknesses and frailties and needs so the narcissist does possess empathy but it is only reflexive and cognitive the emotional component of empathy is missing in narcissism as well as in other disorders such as psychopathy and to some extent borderl so the narcissist C empathy allows him to map you create a map of you the terrain the topology the Hidden Treasures the streams the forests the hills the valleys and the narcissist gets acquainted with your topography psychological topography to the very minutus detail this of course allows naris to manipulate you to l leverage this knowledge this um intimate knowledge I would say to his benefit he presents to you a set of enticing incentives which you cannot resist for example the Hall of Mirrors The Narcissist broadcast to you come and see yourself idealized perfect through my gaze another element is the Dual Mothership I will be your mother says the narcissist I will love you unconditionally all you have to do is regress to infancy infantilize all you have to do is give up on your personal autonomy and dependence an agency and become a dependent a surrogate of me an extension so this is the Dual Mothership and then there's of course the shared fantasy which includ includes strong elements of evading avoiding and withdrawing from reality on the one hand and a promised Rosy pink future future that is blemishless and embodies and reifies the Perfection of the narcissist and of yourself your newly acquired Perfection through the narcissis gaze so the shed fantasy includes an element of a present it's a fantasy it's not a reality so it's not bruising it's not painful it's not hurtful it's not challenging and an element of the future which is going to be perfect you will live happily ever after all your wishes and dreams and aspirations will come true within the shared fantasy which would render you even more perfect if possible so these are the transmissions and messages of the narcissist and he tailors them to fit your profile he uses his cold empathy to delineate your Contours to peruse and study in depth your content so to speak your essence your quiddity who you truly are and then he generates sometimes on the fly a shared fantasy that fits you like hand in glove so this is mechanism number one the called empathy the second mechanism is entraining the narcissist ability by repeating structured sounds known as speech The Narcissist ability to condition you to reshape literally physically your brain rewire it create new Pathways and generate waves which tally which clone which replicate the waves of the narcissist brain this phenomenon is known as in training and it's been recently discovered in uh in music in the field of music but never mind the narcissist uses speech especially verbal abuse to render your brain an exact copy of his he clones you he entrains you he installs in your mind injects his own voice and his own voice in your mind is inject collaborates with other voices in your mind which are not friendly to you this is a coalition a hostile Coalition an axis of Evil operating inside your mind the Serpent's voice so these are the basic tools of the narcissist but why would you why would you gravitate towards something like this why would you consent to to such a pernicious nefarious deal why would you in a way subject yourself to mistreatment and torture and abuse more than willingly I would even say addictively I've mentioned some of the reasons maybe you're not happy with reality and so you want to escape reality avoid it run away from it the narcissist offers you a paracosm an alternative or virtual reality a metaverse where you can Encon yourself cocon yourself under the narcissist opes and firewall and protection and within this shared fantasy which is essentially kind of Matrix within the shared fantasy it's a womb within the shared fantasy you feel reborn it's an experience of a second childhood being loved unconditionally by a mother figure figure a maternal figure which is the narcissist something perhaps you have never had the chance to experience unmitigated self-love for a perfect being that you had become through the narcissist gaze a maternal maternal love this here's your chance to to your chance at a second childhood which maybe this time would end much better so these are strong motivations to collude with the narcissist to conspire with the neses to create together a space which would cater to these deep psychological needs pathologies deformities and deficiencies in you which is the the outcome of an autobiography Which is suboptimal less than optimal so it's a question of also a question of modeling in early childhood you're exposed to the examp ex Les of Role Models Role Models such as parental figures but also influential peers and maybe teachers mass media actors singers and so on so forth so you're exposed to role models in childhood especially early childhood the formative years up to age six and then later on well into the end of adolescence and modeling creates something called typing you become a type you become you but you usually conform to some type now Yung came up with the idea of archetypes that's not what I'm talking about I'm talking about a type of personality the five Factor um personality model tries to capture some of these elements to some extent the mbti and so on so forth so you become a type modeling which is social learning theory bandura and others starting in 1985 modeling leads to typing and so these are your formative years there are two periods 0 to six and then adolescence and maybe you have learned during this period that abuse is a normal acceptable mode of communication it's a way to manipulate other people and regulate them control them and accomplish favorable outcomes you come you have come to identify abuse with selfefficacy abuse becomes your comfort zone you feel good when you are being abused because you know the rules of the game you know the ropes you don't feel lost you know you can anticipate and predict behavior of people around you abuse becomes a preferable mode of existence existential mode so modeling and typing could lead you to become a perfect example a perfect sample or specimen of an Abus victim and you would be attracted to abusers because only abusers could provide you with this Ambience where you feel safe and stable and secure and protected this is one reason you would gravitate towards the narcissist and find him romantically irresistible resonate with him powerfully twin flames Soul soulmates and so on so forth don't forget that the narcissist has an advantage he comes from the very same environment typically not always he comes from the very same environment as you do he has had his own share of early childhood conflicts and Trauma and abuse so he understands you on a ve on a deep on a profound level he can engineer himself and reverse engineer you so that you click into each other like so many le Lego blocks and become a single symbiotic entity merger infusion in the worst sense of the word this is reason number one reason number two you may have a bad object inside you maybe inside you there are voices that keep informing you how un unworthy you are how unlovable you are how inadequate you are failure stupid ugly sluttish you name it voices inside you that are harsh sadistic inner critics super ego call it what you will and they keep chastising you putting you down criticizing you demeaning you debasing and degrading you challenging you doubting you this is known as a bad object this constellation of voices is known as a bad object and then the narcissist feels familiar it's as if the narcissist is your bed object externalized outsourced it's as if the narcissist resonates extremely powerfully with a bad object inside you concurs with the voices that keep telling you how unlovable you are or how imperfect you are or what a failure you are and so on so forth even in the love bombing phase even in the love bombing phase when you're being idealized totally idealized um and even then it it is a bad object strategy what does love bombing mean idealization ation it means the narcissist rejects you as you are the narcissist doesn't want you as you are imperfect sometimes ordinary unlovable atrabilious look it up uh traul um I don't know narcis doesn't I don't know argumentative opinionated The Narcissist teams up with you but then he doesn't see you he rejects you as you are the narcissist from the first second from the love bombing phase keeps broadcasting to you I don't want you as you are I want the idealized version of you I'm falling in love with your idealized version I'm internalizing your idealized version I'm going to continue to interact with your idealized version because you are not ideal you are imperfect you are not not good enough you're inadequate it's absolutely a bad object extension of the bad object externalization of the bad object so the narcissist is your bad object come alive and you find this irresistible you find the attraction inexorable cannot stop yourself from gravitating towards the narcissist and then becoming his play thing his instrument his tool is tension an object you can't help being objectified by The Narcissist because it feels like you are being understood so fully that it's Unique it will never happen again and you are understood so fully because the narcissist brings to the open to the surface surfaces your bed object your inerts this EXT ray vision of the narcissist and say oh my God he really gloms me he really digs me he really understands me no one has ever understood me the way he does and that's quite true but the narcissist aim The Narcissist purpose in getting to know you so well is in order to devalue and discard you it is an integral part of the shared fantasy it's ineluctable and inexorable outcome devaluation and discard are the equivalence of Separation individuation in the narcissist relationship with his mother of origin with his biological mother so whatever you do and whoever you may be narciss is going to discard you and devalue you and to do so he needs to understand how to hurt you the most he's converting you in his mind at the latest stages of the Shar fantasy into an enemy a persecutory object and he wants to eradicate you obliterate you evaporate you vaporize you I mean ruin you not because he's malevolent not because he's evil because he has to you stand in for his mother who had abused him and traumatized him and abandoned him or instrumentalized him parentified him did something bad to him and he inflicts his aggression and Punishment on you thereby allowing him to separate from you and become his own person acquire personhood and a semblance of self and ego which he lacks so this bad object validation The Narcissist validates your bad object this bad object validation feels like having found your perfect resonance and this is where all these leg Legends of twin flames and soulmates and I don't know what else um emerge from next The Narcissist offers you external regulation most partners of narcissist suffer from regulatory problems self regulatory problems there either they are emotionally disregulated like borderlines or they have problems with control like codependence or can't regulate themselves for a variety of reasons maybe they are in a vulnerable moment in time or they've just broken up with someone some bad things have happened to them I don't know their parents have died or whatever so they are in a vulnerable moment or but for what whatever the reason may be the partners of an narcissist have a self-regulatory deficit and he and this creates in them anxiety because in the absence of self-regulation there is dissonance there internal conflicts that erupt including cognitive dissonances and this creates anxiety you don't want to be disregulated disregulation means you're losing control of yourself of your life and of course this is very terrifying and creates anxiety so here comes the narcissis and he offers you external regulation he is so self-confident so self assured displays such a high self-esteem or or if he is overt and grandio or on the very contrary he is so humble he is so modest he presents as a safe Pair of Hands he stable that's the covert NIS either way you feel that he is trustworthy you feel that you can deposit yourself hand over yourself in his hands you feel that you're in good hands so he can then regulate you you externally he can stabilize your moods he can regulate your emotions he's a rock he's a safe place and a safe space this is particularly appealing to borderlines but not only also to codependence and other types and also to healthy people sometimes healthy people are tired of being so strong all the time they need to be weak for a while they need to be dependent and clinging for a while they need to let go of the need to control and master others for they even healthy strong resilient people need a break from time to time and here comes the narcissis and says leave it to me I will bear all the responsibility you will not be responsible anymore you will not pay the consequences of your actions it will be on me and so this is very anxiolytic this surrender of control mitigates a urates and modulates anxiety the narcissis becomes your anti- anxiety or anxiolytic medication you self you begin to self-medicate with the narcissist you begin to rely on him more and more refer to him more and more defer to his opinions more and more and perceive reality as mediated through him in other words The Narcissist impairs your reality testing but it's a very attractive package deal if you're with me says the narcissist you need worry no more the next reason you are attracted to the narcissist romantically is because you hate yourself not all partners of narcissist hate themselves I want to emphasize there is no type of partner everyone is attracted to the narcissist borderlines and codependence and other mentally disordered and mentally ill people of course but also healthy people in a bad period in their lives so but some people are attracted to the narcissist because the narcissist guarantees punishment he is punitive and they are self- punitive the bad object inside them informs them that they're deserving of penalty or punishment or sanctions because whatever they do is wrong insufficient misbehavior or misconduct and so on this is these are usually parental voices and this harsh inner critic pushes people towards a narcissist because abuse is guaranteed teaming up with a narcissist is a form of self harming trauma bonding is a form of self Haring self self trashing self-defeat and self-destruction it's like committing suicide by narcissist you know like suicide by cup suicide by narcissist I have been told that I should never use the word suicide that's one of the reasons I'm being Shadow banded on on YouTube because I don't use the idiotic word un alive suicide honees and bunnies suicide when you team up with a narcissist is because you are spiraling down you're out of control you're disregulated perhaps you have suicidal ideation you hate yourself you loath yourself your Abus substances you're going nowhere your life seems Bleak and destitute and hopeless and you just want to die and the narcissist is the agent of your self-destruction he is the Grim Reaper of your own he reaps your own self-loathing uh he harvests your self-hatred and so he amplifies it he magnifies it and he hurs it back at you and he becomes the perfect Fountain source of your disintegration it's a good reason to choose a narcissist and finally there's the issue of projective identification sometimes you choose a narcissist because the narcissist is a child and as an infant The Narcissist uses or deploys infantile primitive defense mechanisms such as splitting projection projective identification and others now this is very useful if you the manipulative type if you're the controlling type for example if you are codependent codependence control from the bottom codependents control their partners with their self-sacrificial helplessness and with her clinging and neediness it's a form of emotional blackmail it's much easier to emotionally blackmail The Narcissist for example because the narcissist is so invested cathected in the shared fantasy that he would assume any role you want him to assume just in order to actualize the fantasy it's easy to project on the narcissist and then to force him to behave the way you want him to behave and equally at the same time the narcissist does this to you it splits you so you become all good perfect Godlike a goddess a princess if you're a woman or a St or whatever if you're a man so the narcissist splits you and at the initial phases love bombing and so you're perfect because you're all good and narcissist projects on you so initially he would project on you only his good qualities and the narcissist then uses projective identification he this is what I call coercive snapshotting he takes a snapshot of you he then idealizes photoshops the snapshot and then he he forces you to become to conform to the snapshot to become the snapshot he doesn't want to see daylight between you in the snapshot he any Divergence or deviance from the snapshot provoke aggression provokes aggression so um many partners like this game they want to feel transformed at the same time they want to feel in control it's like owning um the latest smartphone or the latest car or something they perceive unconsciously they perceive The Narcissist as a kind of instrument of self transformation a lad to climb someone who can bring them places uh make them act self-actualize or realize the potential or simply someone who is going to be at their back and calls service them somehow so this is a minority of people who are attracted to narcissist and these are usually other narcissis or Psychopaths and similarly dark personalities personalities who are mellan and sub subclinically Psychopathic and subclinically narcissistic so narcissist very often end up with dark personalities and with borderlines and with codependence I agree but narcissist also end up with healthy people resilient people otherwise normal people um and only the combination of all the reasons that I've just explained can account for this fact the attraction the Romantic attraction to the narcissist is a very complex process because it involves self infatuation self-attraction autoerotism self love self-discovery self- exloration self-rejection of some parts on the one hand and on the other hand a fantasy pseudo or quasi psychotic space where it is the diad the combination with the narcissist that becomes a separate entity so the members of the couple the narcissist and his intimate partner are emotionally invested not in each other but in this join creation the shared fantasy and the grieving process is a grieving process of the shared fantasy the partners of narcissist never see the narcissist for who he is or at least um until very late in the relationship and the narcissist never sees the intimate partners for who they are both parties idealize each other and both parties enter the Twilight Zone of the shared fantasy and there both parties pursue their own agendas actually interacting with internal objects and figments in their own minds this is the amazing quality of the relationship with the narcissist it's a hallucination it's self- delusion it is a dream or a nightmare it is a dream state or a Dreamscape you the naris is not really there you're talking to yourself you're loving yourself you end up hating yourself you're arguing with voices in your head including his voice or the narcissist voice and similarly The Narcissist doesn't see you he sees an internal object that represents you in his mind which is totally divorced from reality and from you and yet he's able to Grant you access to his mind and to this object in his mind that's the reason you mistakenly believe that you're having a relationship with another person you're not you're resonating with and interacting with an inner internal object in the mind of an other person but this internal object is not that other person it's actually you

Channel: Prof. Sam Vaknin

Views: 25,817

Keywords: self-destructiveness, narcissist, shared fantasy, couple, realtionship, intimate partner, childhood, maternal, love, bad object, snapshotting, projection, splitting, defenses, projective identification, gaze, idealization, modeling, adolescence, self, regulation, borderline, codependent, healthy, normal, resilient, comfort zone, romantic, sexual, attraction, irresistible, reality, escape

Id: 2d3gQtG1Mvk

Length: 32min 10sec (1930 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 02 2024